A Jew gets to heaven after passing and meets god. The Jew tells god a Holocaust joke, but god doesn't laugh. The Jew shrugs and says, "I guess you had to be there to understand".
He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses.
Am I in heaven? asks the disoriented priest.
No says one of the nurses. We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward.
St. Peter greets them at the Pearly gates and asks if there is anything in the universe they'd like to know before meeting God. The fist guy asks, "What was really in Hillary's emails?"
"Nothing incriminating really", replies St. Peter.
The other guy turns and whispers, "Wow, this goes higher than we thought."
Now that they have the chance to ask any question of God, one of them asks "Who was REALLY responsible for 9/11?". God responds "A group of Al-Qaeda terrorists led by Osama Bin Laden and Khalid Sheikh Mohammed."
The conspiracy theorist gulps and turns to his friend. "Fuck. This goes even higher up than we thought."
When he got there, he approached St. Peter at the pearly gates.
St. Peter asked "What, in your opinion, was your most noble deed?"
"Uh, well, I saw some huge bikers harassing an old lady outside a bar once, so I went up to the biggest, baddest guy and ripped out his nose ring."
Impressed, St. Peter asked, "Well, when was all this?"
"Uh, about 5 minutes ago."
He sees two doors. One is labeled free will, and the other is predestination. He walks through the predestination door and an angel asks him why he was here. The Calvanist replies, "I saw this door and decided to walk through it." The angel replies, "You can't be here, you chose this."
Dejected, he goes into the other door. Its angel asks him why he was here.
He replies, "I had no choice"
And wait for the 72 virgins in heaven... When you could become a catholic preist and have them now!
Source: Jimmy Carr
Billy Mays is up in Heaven partying like it's $19.99.
There's an administrative mix up in purgatory and the Pope is sent to Hell and Clinton to Heaven.
After 20 minutes the mistake is discovered and the mistake rectified. As they're heading down the escalator Clinton down, the Pope up, the pope says to Clinton "I'm really looking forward to meeting the virgin Mary".
To which Clinton replies "You're about five minutes too late"
Girl: What?
Boy: When you fell from heaven.
Girl: Awwwwwwwwww. How did you know?
Boy: Your face looks fucked up.
One woman asked the other, "how did you die?" The woman replied, "I froze to death." She asked the same question to the other woman, she replied, "I suspected that my husband was cheating on me and looked everywhere in my house for evidence. I couldn't find anything and I dropped dead from exhaustion." The other woman replied "maybe if you had checked the freezer we would both be alive."
Pedro was driving down the Panjim street in a swift because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.
Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up my whiskey. I will give up gambling and womanising too!!"
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Pedro looked up again and said," Never mind, I found one ! Sorry I bothered you !!"
Her teacher asked her "What's that?"
"It's Jonah inside the belly of the whale from the Bible." She replied
The teacher, an atheist, told her "You know that didn't really happen."
She kept drawing "When I get to heaven I'll just ask Jonah."
"What if he's not in heaven? The teacher admonished.
The girl, still drawing "Then you ask him"
A husband died.
A few years later, his wife died.
As she got to heaven she saw her husband and ran up to him with tears in her eyes.
"Darling, oh how I've missed you!"
The husband extends his arms, stopping her from embracing him and says,
"Woah there woman. The contract was until death."
The only celebrity I could get in touch with was Stephen Hawkings.
I asked him a few questions including why he was a ghost and not gone to the after life yet.
Turns out Led Zeppelin was right all along,
there is a stairway to heaven.
The flat earther looks at the other and says "this goes higher than we thought".
a match made in heaven .-.
Cuz Jesus was raised in a barn!
Merry Christmas everyone!
He arrives at the Pearly Gates and he sees two signs. The first sign reads, "MEN WHO CONTROLLED BY THEIR WIVES". The old man looks and sees that this line is about 10 miles long. So the old man looks at the second sign. It reads "MEN WHO WERE NOT CONTROLLED BY THEIR WIVES". There's only one guy in this line. Slowly the old man walks over to him, "Tell me, why are you standing over here?". The guy looks at him and says "I don't know, my wife told me to."
His wife gets curious one day and asks why he leaves his money in the attic.
The husband replies, " So I can use it to pay rent in heaven."
A few years later the husband dies and the wife goes upstairs to see if the money is gone, and sure enough the money is still where he left it. The wife says to herself, " I knew he should have put it in the basement."
The Jew was studying Hebrew in his cell when the guard sneered at him, "Why are you wasting your time studying that language? You know you'll die here."
The Jew replied, "It is said that Hebrew is the language spoken in Heaven."
The Guard asked, "What if you go to hell?"
To which the Jew said, "Well, I already know Russian..."
*joke not meant to disparage Russians
Hell is where the chefs are British, the mechanics French, the
lover's Swiss, the police German and it's all organised by the Italians.
When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, God is there to receive him. "Welcome. You are permitted to ask me one question, which I will answer truthfully."
Without hesitating, the conspiracy theorist asks, "Who really shot Kennedy?"
God replies, "Lee Harvey Oswald shot him from sixth floor of the Texas School Book Depository. There were no accomplices. He acted alone"
The conspiracy theorist pauses, thinks to himself, then says "Shit! This goes higher up than I thought..."
"Children" begins the Pope. "Where's Jesus today?"
Little Tommy says: "He's in my heart."
Little Barry says: "He's in Heaven."
Little Davey says: "He's in our bathroom."
The surprised Pope asks Little Davey how he knows this.
"Well," says Little Davey, "every day my Dad bangs on our bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?"
Saint Peter tells them "Before you may enter the gates of Heaven, if you have ever touched a mans penis, place that body part in this bowl of holy water so you may be cleansed." The first Nun steps up and places her hand in the water, then walks into Heaven. The third Nun jumps in front of the second Nun and asks "can I gargle the water before she sticks her butt in it?"
On arrival in heaven, the Holocaust survivor tells God a Holocaust joke. God says, "that's not funny." The survivor replies, "ah, well, you had to be there."
Both appear at roughly the same time at the pearly gates. The priest is given some wine and cheese. The taxi driver is given a yacht, a boat, a mansion and a box of diamonds.
The priest looks at St. Peter and says: "I was a priest for many years but all I get is a little house and some food. This guy gets all this stuff and he drove a taxi."
St. Peter says "Yes, but we go by results. When you gave sermons people slept, when he drove people prayed."
They say that gambling is wrong, but they bet their entire life on there being a heaven.
… When you get to Heaven they will make you have sex with a suicide bomber.
St. Peter asks Queen Elizabeth what makes her special enough to enter Heaven. Elizabeth takes out a douche bottle and douches herself.
St. Peter asks Dolly what makes her special enough to get into Heaven. Dolly opens up her shirt and flashes her chest.
St. Peter lets Queen Elizabeth in instead of Dolly, because a royal flush always beats a good pair.
A nun was fired from her job in heaven, so she came down to earth and started looking for a job. One night, when she is filling out a job application, there is a question that asks her to check the boxes next to the jobs that she has previously worked at. She looks at the answers for a second, and then checks the box marked, "Nun of the above."
Nina comes home after school and asks her mother "mommy, why do people go to heaven with their legs up?". Mother responds: "I don't think that's true, Nina. Why do you think so?". "Because I just walked past the neighbours house" Nina says "and the lady was screaming 'Oh God, i'm coming', so it was a good thing daddy was lying on top of her, otherwise she would have really gone too!"
Just kidding.
... where the police are British,
the cooks are Italian,
the mechanics are German,
the lovers are French
and it is all organised by the Swiss.
Hell is where the police are German,
the cooks are English,
the mechanics are French,
the lovers are Swiss,
and it is all organised by the Italians.
St Peter was looking after him by showing him the various facilities that were available. At the end of the tour, St Peter asked the man if he had any questions.
The man could only think of one. He pointed to a long wall running along one side. "Why do you have a wall there?" asked the man.
St Peter sighed and said, "That is for the Catholics. They`re on the other side. They like to think that they are the only ones here."
He heard it was a pair of dice.
Courtesy of my 8 year old. I'm a bad parent.
"There must be some mistake," the lawyer argues. "I'm too young to die. I'm only 49."
"49?" says St. Peter. "No, according to our calculations, you're 83."
"How did you figure that?" the lawyer asks.
"We added up your time sheets," answered St. Peter.
The priest approaches the bouncer aka St. Peter.
After perusing the list, Peter can't find the priest's name, and tells him to go downstairs to the waiting room until further notice.
Meanwhile, a taxi driver who died at the same time approached the gates.
St. Peter welcomes him with open arms and lets him straight into Heaven.
The priest is dumbfounded. I've preached to thousands of people throughout my life! I've baptized children and converted many to the church! I've lived a holy life!
St. Peter shakes his head and responds:
When you preached, people slept...
When he drove, people prayed.
lawyer dies in his sleep and arrives at the gates of heaven.
He asks St Peter "Why am I here? I was healthy, and so young!"
St Peter replies "Young? You were 103 years old!"
The lawyer says "What? No! I was 36!!"
St Peter looks at his ledger and then says "Ahh, I see the problem. We were going by hours billed."
Because it's a stairway to heaven, not a ramp.
At the gate, St. Peter says, "because your beautiful voice and amazing talent brought happiness to so many people, we'll grant you one wish".
Chris thought about it for a moment and replied, "I'd like the world to be a kinder, better place".
So St. Peter killed Roger Ailes.
Upon his arrival, Satan inspects the CEO's rap sheet, casts his eyes to Heaven, and shouts, "Thank you Jesus! You fucking *finally* brought my replacement down here!"
But a highway to hell says alot about anticipated traffic numbers
They both want to see if their powers still work
so moses splits the lake, walks right through, and says "alright jesus, now you try it"
So jesus tries to walk atop the waters but winks right through, and swims to the other side.
"What happened?" Moses asks, "Did you lose balance or something?"
"Well last time I didn't have holes in my feet"
Since then I have kicked a puppy, stole from 4 shops and set fire to an orphanage.!
St. Peter greets them. He takes the taxi driver to a large mansion. St. Peter than takes the priest to a slightly less nice house. "Wait," said the priest,"Why does the taxi driver get a nicer house than me?" St. Peter looked at his book and said,"It says here that when you preached, people slept, but when he drove, people prayed!"
In Heaven the soldiers are British, the food is French, the lovers are Italian and everything is organized by the Germans.
In Hell the soldiers are French, the food is British, the lovers are German and everything is organized by the Italians.
One day a boy asked his father, Dad, what is between moms legs?
The father reply, The door to heaven!
Then what is between yours? – the boy asked. The father said, The key to the door!
Then the boy said, I think you should change the lock because our neighbor has the spare key.
European heaven is where:
All the soldiers are British,
All the wine is French,
All the cars are German,
All the lovers are Italian,
The weather is Greek,
And everything is organized by the Swiss
European hell is where:
All the soldiers are French,
All the wine is German,
All the cars are Greek,
All the lovers are Swiss,
The weather is British,
And everything is organized by the Italians
Now to get to heaven these girls have to go up 100 steps. On each step there is a joke. If you laugh at a joke you fall straight to hell.
Now the brunet girl gets to about 25 steps then laughs hysterically at a joke about a dyslexic man.
The black haired girl goes much farther to about step 75 but then let's out a little chuckle at a joke about a cowboy.
But the blond girl almost goes all the way until she was just about to step on the 100th step and then she begins to laugh. God asks her "why are you laughing you were just about to make it into heaven."
"Because, I finally got the first joke"
She looked puzzled, so I continued. "Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?" She lifted her head slightly and whispered, "Please... call... an ambulance..."
That's when I looked up and realized she's actually fallen out of a window.
When it dies it becomes immortal.
∞
They must hear 100 jokes before they get to heaven, if they laugh, they go to hell. The brunette laughs at the 6th joke and goes to hell. The redhead laughs at the 58th joke and goes to hell. The blonde makes it all the way to the 98th joke before laughing, God, puzzled, asks why she laughed when she was so close to heaven. The blonde replies with, "I finally understood the 1st joke!"
On a Sunday school, the teacher asks the class: "Class, what body party goes to heaven first?"
One kid answers, "It's the feet!"
"Why is it the feet?" the confused teacher asks.
The kid replies, "Because last night I found Mommy with her feet in the air screaming 'Oh God yes...heaven...I'm coming!' "
My daughter came up to me and said "daddy when my cat died why were its legs in the air?" I replied "well that's so Jesus can grab it to take it to heaven." "That means mummy nearly died this morning!" She said, I asked "how?"
"well when I looked in her bedroom she was screaming "Jesus I'm coming!" And if it wasn't for the postman holding her down he would have got her."
Haha just kidding.
They ask God who did 911. God replies, "It was perpetrated by members of the Islamic terrorist group Al Qaeda."
One whispers to the other, "Dude, this goes way higher than I thought."
New research shows that the distance between heaven and hell is closer than we previous thought.
It only takes 3 cm in the wrong direction for a woman to go "Oh my God!" to "WHAT THE HELL!"
So Johnny immediately replied: "Must be the legs!"
The nun is startled and asks: "Why do you think that, Johnny?"
And Johnny replies: "Last night I saw mom in bed with her legs in the air screaming "Oh, god... I'm coming!!!". If dad hadn't been pounding her to the bed so furiously, we would lose her forever!"
"Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? [pause while smiling] Because it looks like you landed on your face"
I'd love to hear some of yours.
He meets God and has the opportunity to ask him any question, so he asks who shot JFK. God replies that Oswald acted alone. The conspiracy theorist thinks, "damn, this goes deeper than I thought..."
In heaven, the Brits are the police, the Germans are mechanics and the French are cooks.
In hell, the Germans are the police, the French are the mechanics and the Brits are the cooks.
Definitely not earth, God said. Last time I went there, I got a girl pregnant and they still haven't stopped taking about it.
Two men suddenly jump out of the shadows and start to rape them. The first nun looks up toward heaven and says, "Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they are doing."
The second nun looks up and says,
"This one does!"
But all he sees are other men just like himself.
Confused, he asks one of them where his virgins are.
The man replies, "Brother, we are all virgins."
God tells the men that if they do not step on a duck, he will give them a hot wife. The first man goes and steps on a duck and is taken to his ugly wife.
The second man does the same and is also taken to an ugly wife.
The third man was determined not to do anything so he didn't move. Eventually God came back with a hot woman and the man asked, "What did I do to deserve this?"
God replied, "You did nothing, she just stepped on a duck."
God lets the bus driver in, but denies entry for the priest. The priest exclaims:
-Why was that man let in? He gambles, drinks, sheats on his wife and is a bad father figure to his kids.
I on the other hand have served you my entire life.
God replies:
-That might be, but when you preach, everybody falls asleep in the church. When he drives the bus, all the passengers pray.
A nun went to her Mother Superior and asked her to hear a confession.
"Mother, today I experienced the pleasures of the flesh. Father Saunders came to me and told me I had the gates to Heaven between my legs. He then told me he had the key to Heaven and put it in the gates."
"Why that lying ba***rd !" the Mother Superior screamed. "For years he has told me it was Gabriel's trumpet and I've been blowing it!"
Debbie Dingell had asked Trump for A-plus treatment after her husband's death John Dingell.
Trump: Ok.
Debbie Dingell: Thank you so much. John would be so thrilled. He's looking down.
Trump: That's OK. Don't worry about it. Maybe he's looking up. I don't know.
Saint Peter is sitting at the Pearly Gates when 3 black guys arrive.
St. Pete looked out through the Gates and said "Wait here. I will be right back."
St. Pete goes over to God's office and chambers and tells him who is waiting for entrance.
God says to Pete: "How many times do I have to tell you, you can't be racist and judgmental here. This is heaven. All are loved. All are brothers. Go back and let them in!"
St. Pete goes back to the Gates, looks around, and lets out a heavy sigh. He returns to God's chambers and says "Well, they're gone."
"Who. The black guys?" asked God.
"No. The Gates."
St. Peter walks up to the firsts, and he says: "You have lived a good life, but you have cheated on your wife many times. Confess here before your friends, and you will be allowed into heaven."
The man says: "I slept with a different woman every week of my ten-year marriage. I beg for forgiveness."
St. Peter forgives him, and gives him a bicycle. He tells him that he must travel for a thousand miles as penance, and think about his sin.
The second man says:"I was married for five years, and I slept with a different woman as a lover each year. I beg for forgiveness."
St. Peter forgives him, and gives him a motorcycle. He tells him that he must travel for a thousand miles as penance, and think about his sin.
The third man says: "I was married for a month, and stayed faithful throughout. Then my wife died, so I committed suicide so I may be with her."
St. Peter tells him: "I know. Follow me." He then leads him to a helicopter, and tells him to enjoy the ride. The man soon enough passes the other two men, who see him land a short distance away. They eventually catch up to him, and see he is crying.
The first two men ask him: "Why are you crying? You have no sins to atone for!"
The third says: "I just saw my wife... She was skateboarding."
Three women die in a car accident and go to heaven when they are at the gate god tells them that there is only one rule and that is that you may not step on a duck. They women enter and do their best to enjoy heaven while being cautious about where they step for there are ducks everywhere. After about a week one of the three women steps on a duck and suddenly this old, smelly, repulsive and hairy man is chained to her for life. This only makes the other women more careful and another month passes by when a second of the three women steps on a duck. Then chained to her is a man more repulsive then the first. The third woman becomes ever so cautious and make it a whole year without treading upon a duck. Chained to her is a handsom, muscular and wonderful gentleman. She says to him "What happened to you?" he replies " I stepped on a duck..."
Three men end up at the pearly gates at the same time. St. Peter remarks that he was behind schedule and needed each to explain how they died.
The first guy said he was driving to work and he suddenly got the feeling that his wife was cheating on him. He turned around and went straight home and made a complete search of his house. His wife continually denied the affair, and with each denial he grew angrier. Finally, he pushed his refrigerator out his apartment window. His wife was suddenly scared and confessed her affair. The guy was so distraught, he jumped out the very same window to his death.
St. Peter said the death was understandable and let him in.
When the second guy steps up, St. Peter asks how he did. The second guy says, "I was just walking down the street, minding my own business when a refrigerator fell on me. St. Peter lets him in.
The third guy is asked the same question. His response: "I was just sitting in a refrigerator, minding my own business..."
"You think we still got it, Jesus?"
"Oh, sure. I don't think our ability to perform miracles just goes away, do you?"
"Let's find out!"
Jesus and Moses head down to Earth and are at the edge of the Red Sea. Sure enough, Moses lifts his hands and the water parts, leaving a clear path across. He smirks at Jesus, and Jesus steps up for his turn.
He stepped out into the water and immediately sank. Moses looked at him confused and said "I guess the ability does go away!"
Jesus smiled and said "Last time I did this, I didn't have these fuckin holes in my feet!"
Four nuns are in a car on a road trip but die in a car accident on the way.
They arrive at the pearly gates in heaven, where St. Peter says "I'm sure you ladies were all good since you're nuns, but you still gotta confess your sins and come clean before I can let you in" as he takes out a bucket of water.
St. Peter asks the first nun "what are you sins?" And the nun confesses that she gave a someone handjob once.
"Which hand?"
"My left hand"
"Place your left hand in this bucket of water and you shall be absolved of your sins"
Then St. Peter asks the 2nd nun the same question.
"I too gave a man a handjob once. With my right hand"
"Place your right hand in this bucket of water and you too shall be absolved of all your sins"
St Peter then asks the 3rd nun about her sins, but the 4th nun cuts him off...
"If you think I'm gargling the water in that bucket after she sticks her ass in it, you're crazy!"
When an old man approaches.
"Well, what have you done to deserve entry to Heaven?" Asks St Peter.
"To be honest." replies the man, "I am merely a simple carpenter. It was my son who was truly great. Although he wasn't my biological son... his birth was miraculous, still I loved him very much. Later in life he went through many trials and transformations. He spread joy and his story is told all over the world even to this day."
Jesus looks at the man, with a tear in his eye, and says "Father?"
The man looks back; "... Pinocchio?"
He asked St Peter what is with all the clocks?
St Peter responded, These are the clocks of lies. Each person has a clock. Every time they lied on Earth the clock moves one tick.
The man noticed a clock that wasn't moving. "Whose clock is that?" He asked.
St Peter said that was Mother Teresa. She never told a lie.
Whose is that? Abe Lincoln's. It moved two ticks. Showing he lied twice.
Understanding the system, he asked, Where's Donald Trump's clock?
St. Peter responded It's in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan.
A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven."
Mary answers, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!"
The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.
"Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'"
Some time passes after the 2016 US Presidential election, and Barack Obama passes away from old age. He gets bored after a while in heaven, and asks God if he can return to Earth for a while to see how the good ole' US of A is turning out. God agrees.
Obama returns to Brooklyn, and walks into a bar, ordering a beer. He asks the barkeep "How's the country? How are foreign affairs? Any problems currently being faced?"
"Oh, nothing at all, sir. We're an empire now. We're successful."
"But what about Iraq and Afghanistan? Those were terrorist hotspots not too long ago?"
"We control it now. We're an empire. Everything is good."
"But what about Europe, Asia, and their financial crises?"
"That too has been taken care of. We are now finally an empire."
Pleased at the outlook of the country he once led, Obama asks the bartender for the bill:
"65 rubles, sir", replies the bartender.
An old lady was chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling screams.
"Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "It's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings."
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams.
"Oh my God", says the old lady, "Now what is happening?"
"Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo."
"I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell."
"You can't go there", says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized."
"Maybe so", says the old lady, "but I already have the holes for that".
Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Heaven? Well, here are the best Heaven puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Heaven pick up lines to share with friends.