Heaven Golf Jokes
18 heaven golf jokes and hilarious heaven golf puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about heaven golf that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Heaven Golf Short Jokes
Short heaven golf jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The heaven golf humour may include short heaven jokes also.
- Golfer: "I'd move heaven & earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven; you've already moved most of the earth."
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Heaven Golf Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about heaven golf you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean golf jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make heaven golf pranks.
On the back of u/baldillin
A young Rabbi is a very avid golfer. He even goes out on Yom Kippur, the holiest day of the year to play some holes. On his last hole the wind carries the ball and he sinks an amazing hole in one.
In Heaven an angel complains to God, this Rabbi is playing golf on Yom Kippur and you give him a hole in one as punishment!?
Of course, God says, who can he tell?
An old one: A rabbi and a priest go golfing, but the rabbi keeps missing his shots.
Whenever this happens, he angrily exclaims, g**..., I missed! At each hole, the rabbi swears, and at each hole, the priest shakes his head. Finally, on the final hole, the exasperated priest declares, Rabbi, if you continue with this disrespect for the Lord's name, so help me, may He strike you down right here on the green. The rabbi swings, misses, and swears. Suddenly, a lightning bolt descends and incinerates the priest. A heavenly voice then cries out, g**..., I missed!
A golfer went to a fortuneteller
He asked, "can you tell me if there are golf courses in Heaven?"
The fortuneteller entered a trance to ponder his question. After several minutes she responded- "I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is, the golf courses in Heaven are beautiful beyond any earthly imagination."
"That's wonderful!" said the golfer.
"And you'll be teeing off at eight-thirty next Friday."
John is playing golf with the vicar
He misses a three foot putt, and says "d**..., missed the buggar."
The vicar warns him "keep talking like that and God will open up the heavens and strike you dead with lightning."
John then misses a two foot putt, and repeats "d**..., missed the buggar."
Sure enough, God opens the heavens and sends down a lightning bolt, but it strikes the vicar and he falls over dead.
"d**..., missed the buggar." God says.
A man asks a fortune teller what Heaven is like.
The fortune teller gazes into her crystal ball and says "Hmmm, I see good news and bad news. The good news is that Heaven has many golf courses and they are all incredibly beautiful".
"Great!" says the man. "What's the bad news?"
"You have an 8:30 tee time tomorrow morning".
Golfing on the sabbath
One day, a man named David decides to skip church to play golf. Up in heaven, Saint Peter sees this and reports David's sin to God. God says, "I will punish him accordingly." David plays a perfect game and goes home really pleased. Saint Peter sees this and goes to God and says, "What gives? You said you would punish him, yet he gets a perfect score." God smiles and says, "Who can he tell?"
A priest is playing golf with a sailor.
The sailor uses salty language each time he misses. "g**..., I missed!"
The priest warns him not to curse in God's name.
The sailor misses again. "g**... I missed!"
The priest cautions him again.
The sailor misses a third time. "g**... I missed!"
The skies open up and the hand of God casts down a bolt of furious vengeance which completely obliterates... the priest.
The sailor looks up into the sky.
A booming voice from heaven says "g**..., I missed!"
A man and a priest are playing golf...
... the man is putting and misses his shot. "g**..., I missed," the man says.
The priest tells him to not take the Lord's name in vain, or God would strike him down.
The man swings and misses again.
"g**..., I missed."
The priest, again, reminds him that God would strike him down, if he uses the Lord's name in vain.
The man swings and misses a third time. He says, "g**..., I missed."
All of a sudden, there's thunder and dark clouds fill the sky over the golf course. A flash of lightning strikes down from the heavens and hits the priest. A deep voice coming from the clouds says, "g**..., I missed."
So an elderly golfer dies on the course and arrives at the pearly gates...
St. Peter looks upon his life and deems him worthy to enter heaven. But first, St. Peter asks him to recall the moments leading to his demise.
"I went out to the golf course, like i do every so often, and I was having a particularly great round. I was even on target to set a new personal best!"
Peter, confused, asks him, "So what happened? how did you end up here?"
The golfer looks at him and states, "I had a bad s**......"
Moses is out playing golf with two of his buddies in heaven.
He takes a few swings and gets par on the current hole. The next guy swings and gets a hole in one. Moses says to the guy "Hey, Jesus you're pretty good!" The third guy takes a swing and misses completely hitting a tree and bouncing into the pond. Then a fish jumps out of the water with the golf ball and the fish is snatched by an eagle. The eagle flies over and the fish drops the golf straight into the hole. Moses looks at Jesus and exclaims "This is why I never play with your dad. He always cheats."
A Rabbi on Yom Kippur
Rabbi Ben Simmons was fed up with his congregation. So, he decided to skip the services on Yom Kippur, the holiest day on the Jewish calendar, and instead go play golf.
Moses was looking down from heaven and saw the rabbi on the golf course. He naturally reported it to God. Moses suggested God punish the rabbi severely.
As he watched, Moses saw the rabbi Ben Simmons playing the best game he had ever played. The rabbi got a hole-in-one on the toughest hole on the course and then again on the next hole.
Moses turned to God and asked, 'I thought you were going to punish him. Do you call this punishment?'
God replied, 'Who can he tell?'
s**... After Death
A couple made a deal that whomever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife.
Their biggest fear was that there was no after life.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact, 'Judy ..Judy.':
'Is that you, Steve?'
'Yes, I've come back like we agreed.'
That's wonderful! What's it like?'
'Well, I get up in the morning, I have s**... I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have s**... again, bathe in the warm sun and then have s**... a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens) another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have s**... the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more s**... until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again.'
'Oh, Steve you surely must be in Heaven!'
'Not exactly . I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona.'
A preacher feigns illness one Sunday morning.
His weekly sermon goes untold as the preacher slips out the back door of his house and makes his way to the golf course, all alone, as everyone else is in church.
The preacher's first shot from tee sails beautifully, curves gently in the wind, as if by divine intervention, hits the green and rolls into the cup. It's the preacher's first ever hole-in-one. He's absolutely ecstatic about it.
St. Peter watched the whole thing from Heaven's gate. He turns to God. "I saw that," Peter tells God. "That wind wasn't natural. Why would you help him like that? He should be preaching your word right now, not hitting holes-in-ones."
God shrugs. "Who's he going to tell?"
The most cruel punishment
A rabbi is out of town on Yom Kippur. Since nobody knows who he is, he decides to play a round of golf. Up in heaven, God sees him and decides to punish the rabbi for his transgression. However, before God does anything, Moses stops him and says, "Let me take care of this.'' God thinks about it for a moment and say "Ok.''
The rabbi tes off on the first hole, and from above, Moses causes the ball to be a perfect hole in one. This is repeated for the second hole, the third hole, in fact, for every hole on the course. The rabbi has hit a perfect game.
God turns to Moses and says "I thought you were going to punish him?'', to which Moses replies, "Who's he going to tell?''
s**... After Death
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is s**... after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact:
"Marion .... Marion"
"Is that you, Bob?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have s**.... I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have s**... again, bathe in the warm sun and then have s**... a couple of more times.. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have s**... the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course again. Then it's more s**... until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep, and then, the next day it starts all over again!
"Oh, Bob! Are you in Heaven?"
"No -- I'm a rabbit somewhere in South Carolina.
skipping church
Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally
beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he
told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and persuaded him to say Mass
for him that day.
As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town
to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't
accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee,
he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!
At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from
the heavens and exclaimed "You're not going to let him get away with this, are
you?"
The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."
Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin,
dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole.
IT WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!
St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?" The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"
Reincarnation.
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is s**... after death.
Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.
True to his word, he made the first contact:
"Marion... Marion"
"Is that you, Bob?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have s**..., breakfast and then it's off to the golf course then I have s**... again, bathe in the warm sun, then have s**... a couple of more times."
"Then I have lunch (You'd be proud - lots of greens) another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have s**... the rest of the afternoon."
"After supper it's back to the golf course again, then it's more s**... until late at night, where I catch some much needed sleep, and then the next day it starts all over again."
"Oh, Bob are you in Heaven?"
"No...! I'm a rabbit in Arizona!"