Heaven All Night Jokes

Following is our collection of funnies and chistes working better than reddit. They include Heaven All Night puns, dirty or clean gags suitable for kids, that are actually fun like the best witze.

The Best jokes about Heaven All Night

A nun was fired from her job in heaven...

A nun was fired from her job in heaven, so she came down to earth and started looking for a job. One night, when she is filling out a job application, there is a question that asks her to check the boxes next to the jobs that she has previously worked at. She looks at the answers for a second, and then checks the box marked, "Nun of the above."

Just heard this on the radio. May the censors have mercy on their soul. [NSFW]

On a Sunday school, the teacher asks the class: "Class, what body party goes to heaven first?"

One kid answers, "It's the feet!"

"Why is it the feet?" the confused teacher asks.

The kid replies, "Because last night I found Mommy with her feet in the air screaming 'Oh God yes...heaven...I'm coming!' "

A nun asked in church class, which part of the body comes to heaven first?!

So Johnny immediately replied: "Must be the legs!"
The nun is startled and asks: "Why do you think that, Johnny?"
And Johnny replies: "Last night I saw mom in bed with her legs in the air screaming "Oh, god... I'm coming!!!". If dad hadn't been pounding her to the bed so furiously, we would lose her forever!"

Two nuns are walking down a dark alley one night.

Two men suddenly jump out of the shadows and start to rape them. The first nun looks up toward heaven and says, "Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they are doing."

The second nun looks up and says,
"This one does!"

Driving Home Drunk

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?" "Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening." "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

A blonde finds herself in serious money trouble...

Lost her job and she's in dire financial straits.

She's desperate so she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my job and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery."

Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.

She again prays... "God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my job, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.

Once again, she prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my job, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I've always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open.

The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself...."Sweetheart, work with Me on this.... Buy a ticket."

Sex After Death

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact:

"Marion .... Marion"

"Is that you, Bob?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep, and then, the next day it starts all over again!

"Oh, Bob! Are you in Heaven?"


"No -- I'm a rabbit somewhere in South Carolina.

Reincarnation.

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.
Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.
True to his word, he made the first contact:
"Marion... Marion"
"Is that you, Bob?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, breakfast and then it's off to the golf course then I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun, then have sex a couple of more times."
"Then I have lunch (You'd be proud - lots of greens) another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon."
"After supper it's back to the golf course again, then it's more sex until late at night, where I catch some much needed sleep, and then the next day it starts all over again."

"Oh, Bob are you in Heaven?"
"No...! I'm a rabbit in Arizona!"

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there."

Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you.

Shortly after that, Joe passes on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike--Mike."

"Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Mike--it's me, Joe."

"You're not Joe. Joe just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice.

"Joe! Where are you?"

"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.

"The good news," Joe says," is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired."

That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?

"You're on the team for this Saturday's match!"

Little Johnny is in Sunday School,

and little Mary Margaret in the front row pipes up, "Sister Jean, what part of our body gets to heaven first?"

And the sister Jean smiles and asks, "Well what do you think, class? What part of your body gets to heaven first?"

Tommy raises his hand, "I think it's your hands, 'cuz that's what you pray with."

"Oh lovely, Thomas." says sister Jean

Then little Mary Margaret chimes in again "I think it's your heart, 'cuz that's where Jesus lives"

Sister Jean clutches her chest, "Beautiful, dear."

But then Johnny shouts, "It's your LEGS!"

Sister Jean looks stunned, "Your legs, John? Why?!"

"Last night I went in my mommy and daddy's room, and mommy was on the bed, with her legs in the air going 'OH GOD, I'M COMING!'"

Three Nuns cross the road...

They get hit by a bus, die and go to heaven.
They reach the pearly gates and St. Peter is there waiting for them.
As they line up, St. Peter says "Right ladies, in order for you to get into heaven you must answer a question each." The Nuns nod and agree.

St. Peter turns to the first Nun and asks "Who was the first man on earth?" the first nun replies "That's easy, Adam!"
"Correct, collect your wings and halo and come on in"

St. Peter turns to the second nun and asks "Who was the first woman on earth?"
"Easy!" replies the nun "Eve."
"Correct collect your wings and halo and in you go"

St.Peter then turns to the last nun and says "Now this question is a little more difficult, since you are mother superior"

The nun says "Fire away I'm ready"

"OK, what did Eve say to Adam on the first night they met?"

The nun looking puzzled, says "Hmmmmm now that's a hard one."

St. Peter replies "Correct! collect your wings and halo and in you go!"

The hippy and the nun

A hippy gets on the bus. When he sees a nun he likes, he walks up to her and says "Wanna have sex with me?" The nun replies "Heavens no!" and runs off the bus. When the hippy gets off the bus at the next stop, the bus driver says "See that grave over there? That nun goes over there every night at 8:30. If you dress up as a ghost, then she will have no option, other than to have sex with you". The hippy nods and gets off the bus.

At 8:30, the hippy goes to to the graveyard, dressed as a ghost, and hides behind the grave. The nun then comes, and starts praying. Then, th hippy stands up and says "I command you to have sex with me!" The nun replies "Oh.. Ok then.. But I have an oath of virginity, so it will have to be from err.. Behind." They then go back to the hippies apartment.

Afterwards, the hippy runs away going "Haha I am the hippy!", and the nun runs away going "Haha I am the bus driver!"

Today's Top Joke

Tom was at the hospital visiting with his best friend Larry who was dying. Tom asked, "If there is baseball in heaven will you come back and tell me?" Larry nodded yes just as he passed away. That night while Tom was sleeping, he heard Larry's voice in a dream, "Tom..." "Larry! What is it?!" asked Tom. "I have good news and bad news from heaven." "What's the good news?" "There is baseball in heaven after all, but the bad news is you're pitching on Tuesday."

Sex After Death

A couple made a deal that whomever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife.

Their biggest fear was that there was no after life.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact, 'Judy ..Judy.':

'Is that you, Steve?'

'Yes, I've come back like we agreed.'

That's wonderful! What's it like?'

'Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens) another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again.'

'Oh, Steve you surely must be in Heaven!'

'Not exactly . I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona.'

A Greek boyfriend

A chaste, young reverend's daughter marries a strapping young Greek man. Her conservative mother worries, and, considering herself a bit more worldly than her daughter, was worried about their...nightly nuptials.

"So, um," starts the mother, "Have you two been...you know...having intimate relations?"

"Yes, mother," says the daughter.

"He...he...hasn't been trying to do it in...in the...other hole, has he?"

"No, mother."

"Oh, thank heavens."

"He says you can get pregnant that way."

A man goes to confession at his church

He kneels before the priest and says, "Father, I'm afraid to confess something."

"Speak, my son," the priest consoles. The man looks nervous, but begins.

"Last night, my wife and I were having dinner together for the first time in a while. At one point, right in the middle of the meal, I looked up and noticed how ravishing she looked in her dress. Our eyes locked and a spark flew between us that hasn't existed in years and I couldn't help myself: I just grabbed her and tore off her clothes and we made love right there on the table."

"There is no sin in being passionate with your wife, my son," the priest says. "You have nothing to confess."

The man looks surprised. "Really? You're not going to kick us out of the church?"

"Heavens, no! Why would I do that?"

"Well they kicked us out of the restaurant."

Bob and Jim.

Bob and Jim have always been bestfriends and grew up together playing baseball. They both loved baseball their whole lives and had always had a passion for the game. In the end of their life Jim is with bob on his death bed. Jim says to Bob, "After you go, can you send me a sign to tell me if there is baseball in heaven or not?" Bob agrees and passes soon after. A week goes by and Jim wakes up in the middle of the night with Bobs ghost standing in front of him. Bob says, "Jim, I have some good news and some bad news." Jim replies, "What's the good news? Is there baseball in heaven?" "Yes." says Bob. "So then what could be the bad news?!" asks Jim. Bob answers, "You're pitching Tuesday."

A Heavenly Wedding.

Betty and Tim die in a car accident the night before their wedding. In heaven, they ask St. Peter if they can still be married. Well, let me find out if this is possible. Stay here and I will be right back.
Six months pass and St. Peter returns. Yes, we can do this for you.
The couple says, Well, as we have spent so much time together waiting for your answer, we need to knowβ€”if things don't work out, is there a possibility that we can get divorced?
St. Peter answers, It took me six months to find a priest up hereβ€”how long do you think it will take me to find a lawyer?

A woman had a terrible skin disease

That covered her legs. She went to a dermatologist and he said

"What you have is very rare but easily cured. Take a bath in milk for 3 nights and it will go away."

The woman went home and called the local grocery store and said
"I would like to buy 40 gallons of milk to bathe in."

The man on the phone exclaimed "40 gallons pasturized!?"

She said "heavens no... Just past my waist."

A little boy goes to his grandma and asks:

"Granny is mom going to heaven?"

Grandmother:"Why would you think that?"

Little Boy:"I heard her screaming, "Oh god I'm coming!", last night."

One night the Pope is saying his bedtime prayers...

...when God Himself comes down from heaven to listen to them. Then, sitting on the Pope's bed, He says, "Listen, you've been such a good Pope and devoted follower that I'm going to grant any wish you'd like."
The Pope is overcome with emotion, and for a little while he can't think of anything to say, but then he confesses to one thing that really gets to him. "As you know, God," he says, "I'm very attached to my country of origin. And one thing that really irritates me sometimes is all those stupid Polish jokes."
"No problem," says God magnanimously. "From this moment on, there shall be no more Polish jokes." Smiling, He says, "Listen, I have to be getting back to heaven, but before I take off, is there anything else I can do?"
The Pope thinks and thinks, finally coming out with it. "M&M's, " he pronounces.
"M&M's?" says God. "Gee, I've always thought they were harmless enough, melting in your mouth and all that...but I'll be glad to abolish them if it really means a lot to you."
Well you see," says the Pope, "I'm not getting any younger, and it's getting harder and harder to peel them."

An old man and an old woman...

An old man and an old woman are living alone. They make a pact that the one that dies first will come back and tell the other one about the afterlife.

Wouldn't you know it, one day the old man dies.

One night the old woman is laying in bed and she sees the old man floating above her. "So?" she says, "what's it like?"

"It's great!" says the old man. "I get up in the morning and have sex. Then I eat breakfast. Then I have more sex until lunch. After lunch I have more sex; that gets me to dinner. After dinner I have sex until I pass out. I wake up the next morning and do it all again."

The old woman can't believe it. "Heaven is nothing but eating and sex all day?"

"Heaven?" says the old man. "I'm a rabbit in Kansas."

The Chinese emperor went out on a guys night.

It was the man-date of heaven.

Nice try hippy

So there is a hippy who gets on a bus. After getting on the bus, he spots a nun sitting by herself. He goes to sit with her and asks her, "Will you have sex with me?" And then the nun responds, "Oh, Heavens no." The hippy reaches his stop and passes by the bus driver on his way out. "Hey buddy, I know how you can have sex with that nun," says the bus driver. "How?" asks the hippy. "You see that grave at the top of that hill over there? She goes to pray there at 8:00 PM every night. Just dress up as a ghost and tell her to have sex with you as the dead man from the grave for his last wish. She'll have to do it," says the bus driver. Later that night at about 8:00, the hippy dresses up as a ghost and hides behind the grave until sure enough, the nun shows up and starts praying. The hippy jumps out and tells her to have sex with her as a dead man's last wish. She does and after they finish, the hippy pulls off his costume.

"Ha! I'm the hippy!" He exclaims.

"Ha! I'm the bus driver!" says the nun.

There was a support group for ugly people.

and each month when they would meet, there would be a small bus to pick them all up and take them to the meeting. Well one stormy night after picking everyone up the bus driver lost control of the bus on a bridge and it plummeted into the water and all of those hideous ugly people drowned.

So they go to heaven and St. Peter is there and he says

"Wow, you guys had it rough! I mean look at you!"
and then he says
"You know what? I am going to give each of you one wish, and then send you back to earth, here line up and tell me what your wish is."

So the ugly people lined up and the person in the front of the line says

"Oh I got it!, I want to be beautiful!"
So St. Peter complied.

The next person in line sees what happened to the first person
and says "Make me beautiful too!"

So he did.

At that moment, there seemed to be someone giggling from the end of the line. St. Peter didn't know what was so funny but he kept on granting wishes and one by one each person in line asked to be beautiful.

Finally St Peter gets to the end of the line and the last person is just about to explode with laughter. He can hardly contain himself.

St Peter says... "Ok.. what is your wish?"

and the man says

"Make em' all ugly again!"

Will you enjoy heaven?

Mark goes to heaven and is stupid worried if he will like it or not so he talks to St. Peter at the gate.

Mark: Im not sure if I'm going to like it here. I don't like most things people like.

St. Peter.:Do you like drinking?

Mark: Yes I absolutely love drinking!

St. Peter: You are going to love Monday it's beer night!

St. Peter: Do you like gambling?

Mark: Absolutely! I love the slot machines.

St. Peter: You will love Tuesday! It's Casino Night.

St. Peter: Are you gay?

Mark: No sir!

St. Peter: Well you aren't going to like Wednesdays!

A mechanic who worked out of his home had a dog named Mace...

Mace had a bad habit of eating all the grass on the mechanic's lawn, so the mechanic had to keep Mace inside. The grass eventually became overgrown.
One day the mechanic was working on a car in the backyard and dropped his wrench, losing it in the tall grass. He couldn't find it for the life of him, so he decided to call it a day.
That night, Mace escaped from the house and ate all the grass in the backyard. The next morning the mechanic went outside and saw his wrench glinting in the sunlight. Realizing what had happened he looked toward the heavens and proclaimed,
"A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me!

There are these two guys named John and Cliff.


They were best friends and were so obsessed with baseball that they would go to 60 games a year and analyze every scoreboard.
They even promised each other that when one of them goes to heaven, the deceased one would come back and tell the other whether there was baseball in heaven or not.
One night Cliff dies in his sleep after watching a Chicago White Sox game β€” Chicago won, so at least he died a happy man.
The next day Cliff returns to earth to see his friend.
"Hi, John.”"
"Cliff, is it really you?"
"Hey, I told you I’d be back to tell you what’s up. And, you know John, there’s good news and bad news."
"Okay. What’s the good news?"
"There is baseball in heaven."
"The bad news?"
"You’re pitching tomorrow night."

Billy and Joe were huge baseball fans.


One day, both Billy and Joe made a pact that if either of them were to die; they had to come back to the other in the form of a ghost to let the other know if baseball was played in heaven.
Sure enough, Billy dies and eventually comes to Joe one night in the form of a ghost.
A startled Joe realizes it is the ghost of his deceased friend and says "Billy, it is so good to see you...so tell me, is there baseball in Heaven?".
"Well", Billy says, "I have some good news and bad news for ya.
First the good news...YES, there is baseball in heaven!".
"Thank God!" Joe shouts...
"What is the bad news?!".
"You're pitching tomorrow."

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife.


Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.
After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word he made contact, β€œMary. Mary.”
β€œIs that you, Fred?”
β€œYes, I’ve come back like we agreed.”
β€œWhat’s it like?”
β€œWell, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again.”
β€œOh, Fred you surely must be in heaven.”
β€œNot exactly, I’m a sheep in Wales.”

A cat died and went to heaven. St. Peter said to the cat, "Is there anything I can do to make your stay here better?"
The cat said, "I've been sleeping on a cold floor and I'd love a warm pillow to sleep on.
St. Peter gave a pillow to the cat, and the cat headed off to bed.
Later, some mice came to St. Peter. They wanted roller skates to get around faster so St. Peter gave them their skates and the mice went off.
The next evening St. Peter checks in on the cat. "How was your night last night?"
The cat said "That pillow you gave me is really nice, but what I like the most about heaven is the Meals on Wheels."

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends.

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