The Best 46 Hearts Jokes

Following is our collection of funniest Hearts jokes. There are some hearts coronary jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these hearts heart attack puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Funny Hearts Jokes and Puns

Marriage.....

......... is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end you'll wish you had a club and a spade

What does marriage have in common with a deck of cards?

In the beginning, you only need two hearts and a diamond.

Later on, a club and a spade.

Heart jokes

What did one human heart say to the other? I got a heart on

What did one Jamaican heart say to the other? That's a nice beat mon

What is the human hearts favorite kind of shirt? A wife beater

What did the coach say at Heart University? Come on guys let's get pumped

What did the police officer say to the human heart? You're under cardiac arrest

What did the heart say after he was assaulted? Man I sure took a beating

Hearts joke, Heart jokes

Do you know cat owners are 50% less likely to suffer from a heart attack

mainly because their hearts are already broken

Marriage

Dad pulled this one out of nowhere while watching a married couple argue on tv last night...

'Ahh marriage - it's like a new deck of cards.

At first, it's all diamonds and hearts.

After a while, you'll be looking for a club and a spade!'


What has 13 hearts, but no other organs?

A deck of playing cards.

Marrage is like poker...

In the beginning your looking for 2 hearts and a diamond, and in the end you look for a club and a spade

Hearts joke, Marrage is like poker...

The Pope and Hillary Clinton

The Pope and Hillary Clinton are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leans towards Hillary and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in the crowd go wild with joy? The joy will not be a momentary display , but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice."

Hillary replied, "I seriously doubt that with one little wave of your hand that is possible; show me."

His Holiness then backhanded Hillary and knocked her off the stage! The crowd roared and cheered wildly and there was happiness throughout the land.

Hear about the serial killer who was actually quite sensitive?

He wore other people's hearts on his sleeve.

Marriage is like a card game.

At first, you have two Hearts and a Diamond, but at the end, you'll want a Club and a Spade.

The local Cardiologist just died.

And everyone showed up at the funeral with hearts. Hearts of all kinds were put on his casket.

Little Johnny says "Boy, I'm not gonna miss the Gynecologist's funeral!"

You can explore hearts arteries reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean hearts minds dad jokes. There are also hearts puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


My friend sent her photo to the lonely hearts club

They sent it back saying they weren't *that* lonely

An Irish Prayer

May those that love us, love us.
And those that don't love us,
May God turn their hearts.
And if He doesn't turn their hearts,
May He turn their ankles
So we will know them by their limping.

"Our hearts go out to everybody in need of a transplant." - Every organ donor ever

I've been doing so much cardio that I'm going to have a heart attack

And my hearts gonna win.

I don't want to live on in the hearts of my countrymen,

I want to live on in my apartment.

Hearts joke, I don't want to live on in the hearts of my countrymen,

My marriage is like a game of cards

It started out with two hearts and a diamond, now all I want is a club and a spade.

At the post office....

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'" "But why?" asks the man. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

Marriage is like a game of cards

At first, it's all diamonds and hearts.

Later on, it's a club and a spade.


How is a marriage similar to a deck of cards?

Starting off with 2 hearts and a diamond seems great but by the end all you want is a club and a spade.

How can Euchre and Marriage be similar?

Sometimes you start out all hearts and diamonds, but end up wishing you had a club and a spade.

'American Police' playing cards.

I bought a deck of 'American Police' playing cards yesterday.

There's no hearts or diamonds in it. Just one spade and fifty one clubs.

A marriage is a lot like a card game

In the beginning there's two hearts and a diamond but by the end you're looking for a club and a spade.

Our hearts and prayers are with...

... all the people who were notified today of a loved one that over dosed on marijuana yesterday.

A rich man gave a basket of trash to a poor man[translated from hebrew]

The poor man smiled to the rich man and went on his way.

After emptying cleaning and filling it with flowers the poor man returned to the rich man and gave him basket.

Supreized the rich man asks: "why did you give me a basket of flowers after i gave you a basket of trash?"

The poor man replies:
"We all give what's in our hearts".

That priest from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom was actually a really inspirational guy.

He touched so many hearts.

The Pope and Donald Trump are standing in front of a crowd...

The Pope turns to Trump and says, "Did you know that with a single wave of my hand, I can make this entire crowd go wild? Their joy will not be a momentary passing emotion either, but will live on in their hearts each time they tell someone of this day."

Trump replies, "What?! With one wave of your SAD hand? I doubt it."

So the Pope slapped him.

Hearts, diamonds, clubs, spades... oh? Looks like this house of cards has a fifth suit.

Sexual harassment suit.

Marriage is like a deck of cards. At first it's all hearts and diamonds

Then you are in your garage looking for a club and a spade.

Marriage is like a card game. You start with two hearts and a diamond...

But in the end you need a club and a spade...

What do humans and vampires have in common?

Both die when you stick a wooden stake in their hearts

A relationship is like playing cards

First you have hearts and diamonds then at the end is clubs and spades

The Heart-Shaped Herb has been responsible for granting superhuman powers to every King of Wakanda in the line.

It blessed the reigns down in Africa.

How many hearts can the Belgium football team break at once?

About a brazilian...

I'm really grateful that I had parents who opened their hearts to me when I was a boy.

It made it easier for me to accept my cannibalistic nature.

Marriage is like a deck of cards

You start with two hearts and a diamond and end up wishing you had a club and a spade.

Leatherface gets a bad rap but deep down he is a true romantic trying to help others.

He's just trying to Stihl their beating hearts.

My fortune cookie read You will touch the hearts of many.

Jokes on them. I'm a heart surgeon.

Who does the Queen of Hearts send to cut down a tree?

The Lumber-Jack.

What has 13 hearts but no organs?

A deck of cards.

The Pope and Donald Trump are standing in front of a large crowd.

The Pope says to Trump, Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!

Trump replies, I seriously doubt that, with one wave of your hand? Show me!

So the Pope slapped him.

I went to the doctor to get a cognitive test.

The cardiologist told me You're not very bright but your hearts in the right place.

Joe Biden and Donald Trump are standing in front of a large crowd.

As they are waving to everyone, Biden leans towards Trump saying,

Did you know, that with one little wave of my hand, I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? Also, this joy will not be merely a momentary display, like that of your followers, but will go deep into their hearts, and for the rest of their lives, whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!

Trump replies, I seriously doubt that, with one wave of your hand? Come on, show me!

So Biden slapped him.

Whenever I see some initials carved into a tree with some hearts, I also think it's romantic.

Two lovers on a date in the wood and one of them carrying a knife for some reason.

A surgeon offers a patient his choice of two hearts for transplant.

The 1st heart belonged to a 22 year old Olympian in peak physical condition who died tragically.

The 2nd heart belonged to an 80 year old obese sedentary politician.

Without thinking twice, the patient chooses the 2nd heart.
Shocked by his choice, the surgeon asks Why did you choose that heart?

The patient responds Because I know that heart has never been used.

Jellyfish and politicians are pretty similar.

They don't have hearts or brains only stomachs.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the hearts cardiac jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working hearts countrymen piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes