Hearted Jokes
32 hearted jokes and hilarious hearted puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about hearted that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Hearted Short Jokes
Short hearted jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The hearted humour may include short heart jokes also.
- Vaccinated babies are 10 times more likely to die from heart disease, cancer, and alzheimer's. Keep kids from dying from old age, stop vaccinating today.
- Son: Dad why is our food so cold and bland? Dad: It's because your mother put her heart and soul into it.
- "The best way to a mans heart is through his stomach." The surgeon was fired later that day.
- Although Steve Irwin was known as the crocodile hunter ....he will always have soft spot in his heart for stingrays
- My uncle was the first man to be fitted with a lead pacemaker. He died last week. We buried him with a heavy heart.
- My Dad has the heart of a lion and so much hate mail he had to shut down his dental practice
- My in-laws couldn't cope when their cat unexpectedly had 9 kittens, so my wife told me to put them in a sack and throw them in the river… I did it but it broke my heart.
I quite liked her dad… - It makes my heart race when my GF puts her head in my lap during long road trips So now I only let her do it when it's my turn to drive
- My wife thinks it's seductive to bite her lip. I haven't the heart to tell her it's supposed to be the bottom one.
- It's a shame Carrie Fisher was on a United Airlines flight when she had her heart attack. If she was on another airline there might have been a doctor on board.
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Hearted One Liners
Which hearted one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with hearted? I can suggest the ones about brave and heartless.
- Whats the worst thing to hear during open heart surgery? Anything
- I have the heart of a lion, the eyes of an eagle... ..and a lifetime ban from the zoo. 😕
- I'm so dumb and out of shape My resting heart rate is higher than my IQ
- What is the worst time to have a heart attack? During a game of charades
- How many hearts can the belgium football team break at once? About a brazilian...
- My grandfather has a heart of a tiger. He also has a lifetime ban at the zoo.
- Steve Irwin died the way he lived. With animals in his heart.
- How does a male farmer win the heart of a female farmer? Attract her.
- If I ever need a heart transplant.. I'd want my ex's. It's never been used.
- Finally took that warning on the cigarette pack to heart and stopped littering
- My grandfather died at auschwitz He had a heart attack after he saw the gift shop prices.
- "I think i'm having a heart attack. Quick! Dad, call me a doctor..." "You're a Doctor."
- I love my ribcage. It is very close to my heart.
- Why do your heart, liver and lungs all fit in your body? Because they are well organized
- What do you call a black guy having a heart attack? An ambulance.
Light Hearted Jokes
Here is a list of funny light hearted jokes and even better light hearted puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What's the winter solstice's favorite type of movie? "Light-hearted" comedies.
- We optical engineers are often called "narrow-focused" and "myopic". But, when viewed through the right lens, we represent a diverse spectrum of light-hearted people.
- Sleep patterns are fascinating. There's light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can't easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
- "Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart ". Does that mean Iron Man is the most beautiful person on earth?
- Have you ever had beef hearts? They're delicious So light and airy
- Why aren't Tyler Perry movies for the light-hearted? They're dark comedies.
Uproarious Hearted Jokes to Have a Laugh Out Loud Good Time
What funny jokes about hearted you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean light hearted jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make hearted pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Fella rescued a damsel in distress.
Fella was heading home when he saw a lady beside the road with a flat tire. Being kind hearted, Fella stopped to change the tire for her. Lady was so thankful she invited Fella back to her place for a thank you drink. One thing lead to another and soon they were in the sack together. He realized the time and jumped up with a start. Running around getting his clothes on, he said, "What am I going to tell my wife?" "Wait, do you have any baby powder" he asked. "Certainly" she replied. He dusted his hands with the powder and headed home.
Walking in the door, he was greeted by his wife demanding to know where he had been. So he told her the truth, how he had stopped to change a woman's tire then wound up spending the afternoon in bed with her.
His wife looked at him for a moment, then grabbed his hands looking at them. She screamed at him, "You s**..., you spent the day playing pool again, didn't you?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Once Papa Bear, Mama Bear and Baby Bear had upset stomachs.
They went to the doctor who gave Papa Bear a big dose, Mama Bear a medium dose, and Baby Bear a little dose, and asked them to come again the next day.
The next day, the doctor asked them about the condition of their stomach.
Papa Bear said, "Me very thankful, me did a tankful."
Mama Bear said, "Me very grateful, me did a plateful."
Baby Bear said, "Me broken hearted, me only f**...."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a b**... rat that steals all your food?
A Rat-c**...
Hope you guys are light hearted enough to not be offended.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Who does a lobster have in common with a broken hearted c**...?
They are both crustaceans.
What do you call a cold hearted person who finally cries?
Cryogenic.
He thought Hoof Hearted would be a great name for a horse
Until he said it out loud
Is it just a coincidence that...
We agree more with Thanos and Donald Trump rather than good hearted world saving people.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Here I sit, broken hearted
Tried to f**...,
But then I sharted.
hoof hearted?
my dixie wrecked
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman is sick and tired of having bad relationships...
She's had the worst of the worst. Men who would run out on her, beat her, and men who were downright terrible on bed. In an attempt to better future relationships she decided to give online dating a try.
She filled out her profile and specified she was looking for a good hearted man who would never leave or a**... her who was also an efficient lover. It wasn't long after she had posted her profile that she was getting replies. She met with a few of them, but none of them felt like they truly met her requirements.
She was about to give up hope when she had a knock at her door. She opened it to find a man with no arms, and no legs there waiting.
"i'm here about your dating ad," he said.
The woman, who could barely believe what was in front of her replied, "you've got to be kidding me!"
Before she could slam the door the man interjected, "before you turn me away, hear me out. I've got no legs so I couldn't possibly run out on you and I've got no arms so I couldn't possibly hit you."
Still not convinced the woman asked, "oh? And how are you in bed with no arms or legs?"
"honey, how do you think I knocked in the door?"
A Soviet Russian food collector and a farmer
A Soviet official in charge of collecting food from farms goes to a local farm and is greatly warmly by the farmer.
After some light hearted conversation, the official says, "Anyways, I am here to collect the potatoes you have grown."
The farmer replies, "Oh, yes. This has been a marvelous year. We have grown so many potatoes, that if we put them all into a pile, it would reach the foot of God."
The official replies, "That is ridiculous. You know that in Soviet Russia, there is no God."
The farmer responds, "That is fine. We have no potatoes either."
