Heart Surgery Jokes
32 heart surgery jokes and hilarious heart surgery puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about heart surgery that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
If you're looking for a good laugh, check out our collection of heart surgery jokes. From funny jokes about heart transplants to clever quips about cardiac bypass surgery, we've got something for everyone. So whether you're a doctor, nurse, or patient, be sure to lighten the mood with one of our hilarious heart surgery jokes.
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Funniest Heart Surgery Short Jokes
Short heart surgery jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The heart surgery humour may include short heart attack jokes also.
- Somebody told me that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach... I'm really glad I went for a second opinion before my surgery.
- I used to think that cardiac transplant surgery wasn't for me But then I had a change of heart
- I had to be rushed in for an emergency open heart surgery today, My doctor grinned as he handed me a scalpel, "Fixing your heart yourself would give you a sense of pride and accomplishm-..."
- "The way to a woman's heart is through her stomach" ... is apparently not true when you're performing cardiac surgery.
- What did the polar bear say to the doctor 'Is my son going to make it from his heart surgery because right now I'm living on ice.'
- A guy named Michael was rushed to the emergency room one night and had to have heart surgery.. I guess you could say it was open Mike night.
- I woke up on the table in the middle of my heart surgery. The nurse just said, maybe cardiology isn't for you.
- RIP Bill Paxton The only guy to be killed by a predator, a terminator, an alien, and a botched heart surgery.
- A rich friend of mine had lots of cosmetic surgery and even had a number of her organs repositioned. Still, her heart's in the right place.
- The best part about my work is how my patients can get appendectomies, cesarian sections and even heart surgery free of charge. I love being a kindergarten teacher.
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Heart Surgery One Liners
Which heart surgery one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with heart surgery? I can suggest the ones about heart condition and heart doctor.
- Whats the worst thing to hear during open heart surgery? Anything
- "I'm gonna steal her heart.." Is not that romantic when you say it during a surgery.
- My grandfather has the heart of a lion... ...and a lifetime of pain from the surgery.
Heartwarming Heart Surgery Jokes that Make You Laugh
What funny jokes about heart surgery you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean heart break jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make heart surgery pranks.
My rabbi told me this one.
An orthodox Jewish man is about to go through heart surgery.
Before his doctor begins, he asks the Jewish man if he's ever had a surgical operation before, and if so, how it went.
The Jewish man responds, "I've only had surgery one time, and I couldn't walk for a year and a half."
An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery.
But prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood in case a need arose.
As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so the call went out.
Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.
After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW motorcycle, diamonds and a substantial sum of money.
A couple of days later, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery.
His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates.
The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.
He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me another motorcycle, diamonds & money... but you only gave me a thank-you card & a box of Quality Street chocolates."
To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins".
Hospital statistics
A recent study has identified the hospital operations with highest rate of mortality.
In the United States it's open heart surgery.
In Australia it's liver transplants.
And in Russia it's opening a window…
I saw saw a few n**... surgery .gifs with open-o**... operation.
I don't really like surgery videos, but there's nothing I can do, totally clips of the heart.
It's the girls heart surgery today.
BOY: Is your heart surgery today?
GIRL: Yeah.
BOY: Just remember that I LOVE YOU so much.
GIRL: I LOVE YOU more. Thank you.
After the heart surgery, the girl was saddened to see only her father who was sitting beside her as she woke up
GIRL: Dad, where is he?
DAD: YOU DID NOT KNOW WHO DONATED YOUR HEART!?
GIRL: Oh my God!
And the girl started to cry.
DAD: JOKE! He's just in the CR, p**....
A girl says, "I'm having heart surgery today.
" The boy says, "I know." The girl says, "I love you!" The boy says, "I love you more, much much more!" After the surgery, when the girl woke up, only her father was next to her bed. The girl says, "Where is he?" The father responded, "You don't know who gave you the heart?" The girl says, "What???" and starts crying. The father says, "I'm just kidding, he went to the bathroom."
I am eternally grateful to whoever donated organs for my surgery...
I'll always hold a little piece of them close to my heart.
An Arab needed a heart transplant
, but prior to the surgery the doctors needed to store his blood type in case the need arises. Because the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally. So the calls went out to a number of countries.
Finally, a Jew was located who had the same blood type and who was willing to donate his blood to the Arab.
After the surgery, the Arab sent the Jew a Thank-You Card for giving his blood along with an Expensive Diamond and a New Rolls-Royce car as a token of his appreciation. The Jew was very happy. Unfortunately, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery once again. His doctors called the Jew who was more than happy to donate his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Jew a Thank-You Card and a box of Dates (Qurma) Candies.
The Jew was shocked to see that the Arab this time did not acknowledge the Jew's find gesture in the same way as he had done the first time. So he phoned the Arab and asked him why he had expressed his appreciation in not a very generous manner. The Arab replied: "Ya habibi !!! I have Jewish blood now, remember?
Playing with fate
In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. Will I die? she asks.
God says, No. You have 30 more years to live.
With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. Since she's in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She looks great! The day she's discharged, she exits the hospital with a swagger, crosses the street, and is immediately hit by an ambulance and killed. Up in heaven, she sees God. You said I had 30 more years to live, she complains.
That's true, says God.
So what happened? she asks.
God shrugs. I didn't recognize you.
I once received a purple heart.
My doctor told me that it was the weirdest surgery he had ever seen.
A middle aged woman suffers a heart attack...
... and meets God before being revived. He tells her not to worry; she's got at least 40 more years of life ahead of her.
Upon waking from surgery, she decides that with all that time left, and since she's at the hospital anyway, she'll get some cosmetic surgery... a face lift, a nose job, breast implants, liposuction, the works.
After recovering from all that, she is on her way home and is hit by a bus and killed. Seeing God again, she cries, "You said I had 40 more years!"
God says, "Sorry, I didn't recognize you".
Hospital Bill
A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store clerk called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.
The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms & a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.
"Do you have health insurance?" she asked.
He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"
He replied, "No money in the bank."
'Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.
He said, "I only have a spinster sister & she's a nun."
The nun became agitated & announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."
The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law".
:D
More grandfather jokes.
I've seen a few people posting their grandfather's jokes here recently. Mine is in the hospital right now recovering from heart surgery, so I figured I'd share a few he told me.
There was a Mexican man who was a huge baseball fan. It was his dream in life just to be in the stands at a World Series game. So, he saves up for years, travels to the US, but when he gets there he finds that the game is sold out. He tells his story to a ticket agent, who is sympathetic.
"Here's what I can do for you. I can sneak you in, but the only place you'll be able to sit is on top of the flag pole. I have to warn you, though, the view is awful." The Mexican man agrees, excited at the opportunity to even see the game.
After it ends, the Mexican man goes and finds the ticket agent, and thanks him profusely.
"This has been the best day of my life! Everyone in the stadium was so friendly! Right before the game started, everyone turned to me and asked, Jose, can you see?"
A 54 year old woman had a heart atack.
She was taken to the hospital for surgery. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up yet?" God said, "No, you have another 34 years to live". Upon recovery the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, tummy tuck, and changed her hair color. Finally she was released from the hospital. While crossing the road on her way home she was killed by a truck. Arriving in front of God in heaven she asked "You said I had another 34 years to live, why didn't you save me from the truck?" God said "I could not recognize you"
Cheating for "Good" Reasons
An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"
Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.
Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?'"
Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage.
Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"
Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"
Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."
"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."
"Alright," Martha said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?"
An Arab needed a heart transplant
, but prior to the surgery the doctors needed to store his blood type in case the need arises. Because the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally. So the calls went out to a number of countries.
Finally, a Jew was located who had the same blood type and who was willing to donate his blood to the Arab.
After the surgery, the Arab sent the Jew a Thank-You Card for giving his blood along with an Expensive Diamond and a New Rolls-Royce car as a token of his appreciation. The Jew was very happy. Unfortunately, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery once again. His doctors called the Jew who was more than happy to donate his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Jew a Thank-You Card and a box of Dates (Qurma) Candies.
The Jew was shocked to see that the Arab this time did not acknowledge the Jew's find gesture in the same way as he had done the first time. So he phoned the Arab and asked him why he had expressed his appreciation in not a very generous manner. The Arab replied: "Ya habibi !!! I have Jewish blood now, remember?