Heart Jokes
175 heart jokes and hilarious heart puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about heart that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Need some humorous heart jokes to share with the special someone in your life this Valentine's Day? Check out our collection of rib-tickling cardiac puns and comical puns about the human heart!
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Funniest Heart Short Jokes
Short heart jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The heart humour may include short hart jokes also.
- Vaccinated babies are 10 times more likely to die from heart disease, cancer, and alzheimer's. Keep kids from dying from old age, stop vaccinating today.
- Son: Dad why is our food so cold and bland? Dad: It's because your mother put her heart and soul into it.
- "The best way to a mans heart is through his stomach." The surgeon was fired later that day.
- Although Steve Irwin was known as the crocodile hunter ....he will always have soft spot in his heart for stingrays
- My uncle was the first man to be fitted with a lead pacemaker. He died last week. We buried him with a heavy heart.
- My Dad has the heart of a lion and so much hate mail he had to shut down his dental practice
- My in-laws couldn't cope when their cat unexpectedly had 9 kittens, so my wife told me to put them in a sack and throw them in the river… I did it but it broke my heart.
I quite liked her dad… - It makes my heart race when my GF puts her head in my lap during long road trips So now I only let her do it when it's my turn to drive
- My wife thinks it's seductive to bite her lip. I haven't the heart to tell her it's supposed to be the bottom one.
- It's a shame Carrie Fisher was on a United Airlines flight when she had her heart attack. If she was on another airline there might have been a doctor on board.
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Heart One Liners
Which heart one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with heart? I can suggest the ones about chest and pulse.
- Whats the worst thing to hear during open heart surgery? Anything
- I have the heart of a lion, the eyes of an eagle... ..and a lifetime ban from the zoo. 😕
- I'm so dumb and out of shape My resting heart rate is higher than my IQ
- What is the worst time to have a heart attack? During a game of charades
- How many hearts can the belgium football team break at once? About a brazilian...
- My grandfather has a heart of a tiger. He also has a lifetime ban at the zoo.
- Steve Irwin died the way he lived. With animals in his heart.
- How does a male farmer win the heart of a female farmer? Attract her.
- If I ever need a heart transplant.. I'd want my ex's. It's never been used.
- Finally took that warning on the cigarette pack to heart and stopped littering
- My grandfather died at auschwitz He had a heart attack after he saw the gift shop prices.
- "I think i'm having a heart attack. Quick! Dad, call me a doctor..." "You're a Doctor."
- I love my ribcage. It is very close to my heart.
- Why do your heart, liver and lungs all fit in your body? Because they are well organized
- What do you call a black guy having a heart attack? An ambulance.
Heart Attack Jokes
Here is a list of funny heart attack jokes and even better heart attack puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A woman has a heart attack in a plane. The stewardess asks "Is there a doctor on board?".
A person comes forward and announces "I'm a vegan." - Heart-Attacks are overrated I mean your heart works non-stop all of your life, would it kill you if the poor guy took a break for 5 minutes ?
- Do you know cat owners are 50% less likely to suffer from a heart attack mainly because their hearts are already broken
- I pushed a random old guy's Life Alert to see what would happen. He got so angry, he had a heart attack.
Good thing the ambulance was already on it's way. - What happens when an American has a heart attack and survives? A 'murical.
- How do you revive a homeless American from a heart attack? You threaten to call an ambulance.
- Many claim that heart attacks are one of the worst ways to go, but I disagree... Bear attacks are definitely worse.
- What causes a pirate to have a heart attack? Something clogged their arrrrrrteries
- What's the worst thing to hear at an antivax rally? "He's having a heart attack! Is anyone here a doctor?"
- I don't think my wife likes me very much when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.
Heart Doctor Jokes
Here is a list of funny heart doctor jokes and even better heart doctor puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why did Dracula become a vegetarian? Because his doctor said stakes were bad for his heart.
source: My 7 year-old. - So a 14 year old girl goes to the doctor for a checkup... He puts the stethoscope up to her heart and says,
"Big breaths."
And she says,
"Thankth! I grew them mythelf!" - I went to the doctor to get a cognitive test. The cardiologist told me You're not very bright but your hearts in the right place.
- I had to be rushed in for an emergency open heart surgery today, My doctor grinned as he handed me a scalpel, "Fixing your heart yourself would give you a sense of pride and accomplishm-..."
- What do doctors call a tiny heart? Kevin
- My doctor told me to drink hard alcohol for my depression... Turns out absinthe makes the heart grow fonder.
- My grandfather was telling me about his Purple Heart. I told him he should really see a doctor.
- Doctor to Patient: "Don’t worry about your heart. It will function as long as you live."
- What did the polar bear say to the doctor 'Is my son going to make it from his heart surgery because right now I'm living on ice.'
- I like to say I'm a child at heart... but my doctor adamantly disagrees.
Heart Break Jokes
Here is a list of funny heart break jokes and even better heart break puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- The England Football Team visited an Orphanage in Russia yesterday.. "It's heart breaking to see their little faces with no hope", said Vladimir, aged 6.
- As a Dad, it breaks my heart to see how quick my kids are to blame others. They get that from their mother.
- The Argentina team visited an orphanage in Russia - It breaks my heart to see those poor eyes filled with sadness and hopelessness..
said one of the orphans. - My heart sank when i received a text from my gf " I can't take this anymore,let's break up " You can imagine the tears of joy I had when i received a follow up message
"Sorry ,wrong number" - Someone asked me to sing a line from "Don't go breaking my heart" I couldn't if I tried.
- My grandma is very conservative. It would break her heart if she knew I was bi -partisan.
- A tongue has no bones but it is strong enough to break a heart and.. is also strong enough to lift the pelvic bone.
- There's a limit on how many hearts you can break Its <3
- My heart sank when I received the text message "I am breaking up with you. It's over between us" from my partner. But "Sorry, wrong number baby" came afterwards. Whew, what a relief!
- What four words would break Reddit's heart? Mr. Rogers touched me.
Heart Transplant Jokes
Here is a list of funny heart transplant jokes and even better heart transplant puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I'm looking for someone with a good heart, not someone with good looks. Please I really need that heart transplant
- The guy who received the first pig heart transplant gave a radio interview yesterday I tried to listen, but I could only hear crackling
- We have a first successful pig heart transplant. Bacon is now both the cause and the solution of our heart problems.
- I used to think that cardiac transplant surgery wasn't for me But then I had a change of heart
- Last Christmas, I gave you my heart But the very next day, your body rejected the transplant
- My cousin was going to get a heart transplant But then he had a change of heart.
- I gave her my heart but what she really needed was kidney transplant...
- Losing my virginity was alot like performing a heart transplant operation. Someone had to die for it to happen.
- After my heart transplant I've really had a change of heart.
- Something went wrong with my heart transplant The Surgeon said his heart wasn't in the right place.
That makes two of us.
Comical Puns & Laughs: Enjoy Fun, Witty Heart Jokes with Friends.
What funny jokes about heart you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean card jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make heart pranks.
A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital.
He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses.
Am I in heaven? asks the disoriented priest.
No says one of the nurses. We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward.
My Lesbian neighbours Eva and Julia asked me to help them conceive a child recently.
They said they wouldn't mind if we did it the old fashioned way as they weren't man haters!
For six months now we've been trying but I just don't have the heart to tell them I had a vasectomy last year.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Frank and Harry are at their golf club...
As Frank gets set to take his swing, a f**... procession goes by. He steps back, takes his hat off and holds it over his heart. Harry walks over, puts his hand on Frank's shoulder and says "That was a thoughtful thing to do". To which Frank replies "It was the least I could do, we were married for 30 years."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Heart Attack
THE HEART ATTACK
A blonde gets home from work early & hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.
She rushes upstairs only to find her husband n**... lying on the bed,
sweating and panting.
'What's up?' she asks.
'I think I'm having a heart attack,' - cries the husband..
The blonde rushes downstairs to use the phone, but just as she's dialling, her four-year-old son says
"Mummy mummy, aunty Shirley is hiding in the wardrobe & she has no clothes on"
The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom
right past her husband..rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is
her sister, totally n**... and cowering on the floor.
'You rotten b**...', she screams.
'My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around
n**... playing hide and seek with the kids!!'
the case for the lost bicycle
A Methodist preacher and a Baptist preacher live in a small southern town. Every day, they pass each other on their bycycles as they ride to their respective churches. One day, the Methodist notices the Baptist walking.
He says "Brother, where is your bicycle?"
"My heart is heavy, for I fear that a member of my congregation has stolen it" replied the Baptist.
"That's horrible." Thinking for a moment, the Methodist has an idea. "I know how we might get your bike back. This Sunday, you should preach the ten commandments. When you get to thou shalt not steal, really bear down on it. Maybe the theif will feel guilty and return your bike."
"That's a great idea, I'll try it!"
Sure enough, the following Monday, the Methodist preacher sees the Baptist Preacher riding his bike.
"I see my plan worked" said the Methodist.
"Well, not exactly" replied the Baptist. "I did like you said, and gave a real fire and brimstone sermon on the ten commandments. However, when I got to thou shalt no commit adultery, I remembered where I left my bike."
Little Billy had been blind since birth...
...and one night his mom tells him "If you pray extra hard tonight God will allow you see in the morning."
So little Billy prayed his heart out before going to sleep that night. The next morning he opened his eyes and to his surprise he screamed out.
"Mommy I still can't see!"
"I know son, April fools."
Somebody told me that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach...
I'm really glad I went for a second opinion before my surgery.
So it's little Johnny's turn to present for show and tell...
So it's little Johnny's turn to present for show and tell. He goes up to the chalkboard and draws a period. The teacher then asks "What is so special about a period?" Little Johnny replies "I don't know, but when my sister said she missed hers my mom fainted, my dad had a heart attack, and the neighbor shot himself!"
I was hungover this morning so I phoned work and said to the boss...
.. "I'm afraid I won't be in today, my father had a massive heart attack and died last night."
"That was your last chance Dave," he said, "I'm taking the 'and son' off the shop sign."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Careful what you wish for!
I don't think I ever got over
my grandmother's death when I was a kid.
My grandmother died from a heart attack
during my ninth birthday party.
Literally while she was eating cake.
And I guess that must have s**... me up a little bit.
I mean, I still have birthday parties.
But now I'm just careful what I wish for.
—Anthony Jeselnik
Why do you make more money?
A heart surgeon takes his Cadillac to his mechanic to get his engine fixed. When he returns a few days after to pick up the car, the mechanic calls him over to show him something. He says, "Okay Doc, I've changed the seals out and fixed everything up but I have one question. The engine is to the car as the heart is to the body. Why is it that you make some much more money than me?"
The doctor examines the engine carefully and says, "try fixing it while the engine is running."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Oldie but a Goodie
Two guys were out fishing on the lake when a hearse and f**... procession passed the boat on a nearby road. One of them stood up and held his fishing hat over his heart as the hearse passed. His buddy commented, "Gee, Harry, that was really nice and respectful!"
To which Harry replied, "Well, after all we were married 40 years."
Did you hear about the one about the heart and stomach?
Nevermind, it's an inside joke.
Blonde Co-Pilot
This is the story of the poor dizzy blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.
He has a heart attack and dies. She, frantic, calls out for help.
"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"
She hears a voice over the radio saying:
"This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! First, give me your height and position."
She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat."
"O.K." says the voice on the radio.... "repeat after me: Our Father...Who art in Heaven....."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Ending It All
A very old woman realizes that she's seen and done everything and the time has come to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she decides to shoot herself through the heart.
Not wanting to make a mistake, she phones her doctor and asks him the exact location of the heart. He tells her that the heart is located two inches below the left n**....
The old woman hangs up the phone, takes careful aim and shoots herself in the left knee.
An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery.
But prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood in case a need arose.
As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so the call went out.
Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.
After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW motorcycle, diamonds and a substantial sum of money.
A couple of days later, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery.
His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates.
The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.
He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me another motorcycle, diamonds & money... but you only gave me a thank-you card & a box of Quality Street chocolates."
To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Sunday Morning s**...
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having s**... would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the d**...." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
Cardiologist
A heart surgeon had died and at his funural the coffin was placed above a heart made of flowers. After everyone had said goodbye the coffin was lowered into the heart, during which someone began laughing really loud. 'What is wrong with you?' the person sitting next to the laughing man asked. 'I just thought of my own funural' he replied. 'What's so funny about that?' Still chuckling the man answered: 'Well, you see, I'm a gynaecologist'.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
During a lady's medical examination...
The doctor says: "Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine. Now let me see the bit that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."
The lady starts taking off her underwear but is interrupted by the doctor.
"No! No! Don't t**... clothes. Just stick out your tongue!"
Two women meet in heaven...
There's these two women meeting for the first time in heaven who's names are Carol and Lydia. Carol leans over and asks Lydia what the cause of her death was. Lydia says, "Well I froze to death. How did you die?" To which Carol replies "I died of a massive heart attack." Very concerned, Lydia asks "What caused the heart attack?" Carol starts then explaining on how she thought her husband was cheating on her. And how she had come home early to catch him in the act but, to her surprise, only found her husband sitting in the den reading a book. But convinced there was another women in the house, she frantically started destroying the house looking for the other women until she was so exhausted that her heart just stopped working. Amazed at the story, Lydia looks at Carol and says, "If you would have looked in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."
Let's make it Aussie joke day.
A man on vacation in Queensland suffers a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. On waking, he weakly asks the nurse, "Was I brought here to die?" The nurse replies, "No, they brought you in yesterday."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My Grandma E-Mailed me this one
When you drink v**... over ice, it can give you kidney failure.
When you drink r**... over ice, it can give you liver failure.
When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems.
When you drink gin over ice, it can give you brain problems.
Apparently, ice is really bad for you. Warn all your friends.
My rabbi told me this one.
An orthodox Jewish man is about to go through heart surgery.
Before his doctor begins, he asks the Jewish man if he's ever had a surgical operation before, and if so, how it went.
The Jewish man responds, "I've only had surgery one time, and I couldn't walk for a year and a half."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My son just got a tattoo of a heart, a s**..., a club, and a diamond, all without my permission.
I guess I'll deal with him later.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
m**... while hooked up to a heart monitor can really mess with a hospital staff
They never know if you're coming or going
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Did you hear about the 80 year old woman that tried to kill herself?
She was told that the most effective way would be to shoot herself through the heart, just below her left breast... She woke up in hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
Little Johnny... Finding Jesus
A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven."
Mary answers, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!"
The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.
"Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'"
The vaccine conspiracy
Linda had a heart attack and was brought to the emergency room while in clinical death. The doctors managed to revive her, but during her coma she saw a bright light and God appeared to her. She asked him:
"Tell me, God, is it true that vaccines could cause autism?"
"No, autism is a condition that develops during pregnancy"
After getting well, she met her friends and told them about her experience:
"Girls, I have awful news: the conspiracy goes way higher than we've thought"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Maturbating when hooked up to a heart monitor really gets the nurses running around. They never know if you are coming or going.
Two Women Talking in Heaven
1 Woman: Hi, Wandal
2 Woman: Hi, Sylvia! How'd you die?
1 Woman: I froze to death.
2 Woman: How horrible!
1 Woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2 Woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. Instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1 Woman: So what happened?
2 Woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1 Woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer-we'd both still be alive.
Three pregnant women were knitting tops for their soon-to-be born.
One posh one says "I'm taking vitamin A, as I want my baby to have strong bones and teeth". The other posh one says "I'm taking vitamin C, as I want my baby to have a good constitution and good heart". The chavvy one says "I'm taking Thalidomide cos I can't knit arms".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"What do you do for a living?" "I'm an o**... trafficker."
"Oh my God, do you have no heart?"
"Are you criticizing me or making an order?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What gave h**... a heart attack?
Seeing his gas bill
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman is in the hospital in a coma...
and the husband is in the waiting room. The doctor comes out and tells the husband every time he gets near her c**..., her heart rate increases, and tells the husband he believes o**... s**... will bring her out of the coma.
The husband enters the room. Shortly after, the doctor hears a flatline and rushes into the room, asking what happened. The husband replies, "I dont know, Doc. I think she choked."
a husband is about to die...
he goes out with his friends to give them the bad news. he tells them he has an announcement to make
-" i wanted to thank you guys for being there for me, i want to inform you that i have AIDS and i will die in a week. "
everyone was devastated cried and left with their heart a little broken.
when the man arrived home, he told his wife everything. after finishing she screamed:
-"AIDS! why did you tell them you have AIDS? you have cancer, not aids!"
the man turns to his wife and says.
-"im going to die, but im going to make sure no one goes to bed with you too".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Marriage is like a deck of cards
At the start all you need is a heart and a diamond.
By the end you just want a club and a s**...
I regret falling in love with my British girlfriend.
You give your heart to her and she Brexit into a million parts.
A jew in his deathbed...
A jew in his deathbed is surrounded by his family. He asks if the wife is there; she was. He asks if his son was there; he was. He asked if his daughter was there, and she was.
As he finds out everyone's there, he has a heart attack. His final words were:
-Why... is no one... in the shop...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Brainless Lawyers
In a m**... trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:
"Before you signed the death certificate, did you take the pulse, listen to the heart or check for breathing?"
"No."
"So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?"
"Well, the man's brain was in a jar on my desk, but I suppose he could have still been practicing law for a living."
The Pope is teaching a Sunday school class
"Children" begins the Pope. "Where's Jesus today?"
Little Tommy says: "He's in my heart."
Little Barry says: "He's in Heaven."
Little Davey says: "He's in our bathroom."
The surprised Pope asks Little Davey how he knows this.
"Well," says Little Davey, "every day my Dad bangs on our bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Hopefully George Michael was an o**... donor...
... so on his last Christmas he gave someone his heart
The Truth About The Beatles
John was the brain
Paul was the heart
George was the spirit
Ringo was the drummer
I finally saved up enough money that I could afford to listen to my heart.
It turns out that's just a metaphor.
Anyway, I have a stethoscope for sale.
My grandpa has got the heart of a lion
and a life time ban from the zoo.
Most people think I'm sick and twisted...
But I'm not! I have the heart of a little girl.
In a jar.
On my desk.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Last night a man attacked me.
Last night when i was coming home from work a man attacked me. He silently put the knife to my t**... with his hand covering my mouth.. I think that's it, I'm done. He takes out his business card, gives it to me and leaves. With a pounding heart and shortness of breath, I read it.
It said : *Self-defense courses.*
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A pilot bailed out of his crashing plane and landed on an uncharted island.
He soon found himself surrounded by natives with spears. A big native adorned with decorations points at the pilot.
I'm s**..., says the pilot.
God opens up the clouds and says to the pilot, No, you're not s**.... Grab the closest spear and throw it through the leader's heart.
The pilot does this.
NOW you're s**..., says God.
I'm 24 and she's 13. She wants me - what do I do?
I've been playing an online game with a woman. I'm up to level 24, but she's only on level 13. She really wants me in her clan to help her level, but I cant find the heart to tell her that she's only going to hold me back from leveling up myself.
Instead of Traveling to Oz, the Tin Man, the Lion, and The Scarecrow should run for Congress
As they lack a heart, mind, and courage
A hunter and his guide were deep in the mountains when they stopped to rest.
The hunter gazed at his companion and mused, "You know, I'm a pretty big fellow. If I had a heart attack or broke a leg, how would you get me out?"
"Last year, I shot a sixteen hundred pound moose way back there and got it out all right," the guide replied.
"How'd you manage that?"
"Twelve trips."
My mom says that the best way to a man's heart is through his stomach.
Her malpractice suit isn't going so well.
My dad said people shouldn't get ribbons just for participating because it rewards them for losing.
So I took the Purple Heart that he got in Vietnam.
He was so mad he threw his prosthetic leg at me.
My husband cheated
I caught my husband cheating. I'm not going to lie, I didn't handle it in the most mature way possible. I threw an iron at him and took quite a bit of money from him.
Then later we had a heart to heart and decided never to play Monopoly again. Lesson learned.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Having s**... while camping is NOT for the faint of heart.
It's f**...' in tents
People say my wife only married me because she was drunk...
I say, hey, absinthe makes the heart grow fonder!
A woman helps a man who is having a heart attack.
The woman asks the gathering crowd, "Any doctor here?" One man answered, "I'm a doctor, what's going on?" The woman says, "He's having a heart attack, can you help?" The man says, "I'm a doctor in philosophy." The woman says, "He is going to die!!". The doctor replies, "We are all going to die."
Today my son threw a quarter in the well at the mall and said "I wish my dad was dead." And because of his attitide we went home without buying anything.
When we got to our house we saw an ambulance and the coroner at Jim's house, apparently he had a freak heart attack about thirty minutes before hand, it was odd because he was a personal trainer and in great shape, my wife seemed real upset by his passing. Though it was strange because I've never even seen them speak to eachother.
Last Request
Two convicts who were about to be executed, The warden says to the first one, 'Do you have a last request?'
The convict says, 'Yes, I'd like to hear the song Achy Breaky Heart one last time.'The Warden says, 'OK, I think we can arrange that.' Then he says to the second convict, 'How about you?' The second convict says, 'Yeah, kill me first.'
An elderly couple were on vacation in Israel
While they were there the wife suddenly dies of a heart attack.
A local mortitian explains the husband that it would cost him 100$ to bury her in Israel but it would cost him 3.000$ to have her transported to America tp have her buried at home.
The husband thinks about it for a while and then says to the mortitian that he would like to have her transported home.
The mortitian asks the why he wouldn't let her be buried in Israel when he could save a lot of money!
The husband then says "well I've heard of a guy who died and was buried here many years ago and he came back after three days. I'm not gonna risk that!"
I played "My Heart Will Go On" on a public piano and people yelled at me.
Can't wait till this cruise is over.
