heart Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious heart puns

(NSFW) A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital. He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses. "Am I in heaven?" asks the disoriented priest.

"No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward".

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital. He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses. "Am I in heaven?" asks the disoriented priest.

"No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward".

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" he says.

"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.

You rotten bastard," says the husband,"my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!!!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital.

He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses.

Am I in heaven? asks the disoriented priest.

No says one of the nurses. We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man accidentally elbows a woman's boob

as she is standing behind him in a hotel lobby. The man apologizes profusely and says "if your heart is as soft as your breasts, I know you'll forgive me."

To which the woman replied "if your dick is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 318."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My Lesbian neighbours Eva and Julia asked me to help them conceive a child recently.


They said they wouldn't mind if we did it the old fashioned way as they weren't man haters!

For six months now we've been trying but I just don't have the heart to tell them I had a vasectomy last year.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Today my son threw a quarter in the well at the mall and said "I wish my dad was dead." And because of his attitide we went home without buying anything.

When we got to our house we saw an ambulance and the coroner at Jim's house, apparently he had a freak heart attack about thirty minutes before hand, it was odd because he was a personal trainer and in great shape, my wife seemed real upset by his passing. Though it was strange because I've never even seen them speak to eachother.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Stranger guy with a sexy women in a hotel lobby.

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room no 99.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Vaccinated babies are 10 times more likely to die from heart disease, cancer, and alzheimer's.

Keep kids from dying from old age, stop vaccinating today.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Blonde guy gets home from work...

Hears his wife screaming, coming from their bedroom upstairs. He sprints up, and opens the door to see his wife laying naked on their bed, sweating and panting.

"Honey! Help! I'm having a heart attack!"

He runs back down the stairs and starts dialing the ambulance, when his son and daughter tell him:

"Dad! Uncle Terry's upstairs! And he's naked!"

He slams down the phone, sprints back up the stairs, runs past his wife and opens the wardrobe. Sure enough, there was his brother crouching in the corner naked.

"WHAT THE HELL TERRY! My wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My mother used to say the way to a mans heart is through his stomach. Lovely woman.

Useless surgeon.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Man in ecstasy...

He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again, back and forth, back and forth...in and out...in and out.

It was going on 20 minutes at this point...

Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed...then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.

Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted:

*"OK, OK! I can't park the damn car! You do it, you smug bastard!"*

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A woman is in the hospital in a coma...

and the husband is in the waiting room. The doctor comes out and tells the husband every time he gets near her crotch, her heart rate increases, and tells the husband he believes oral sex will bring her out of the coma.

The husband enters the room. Shortly after, the doctor hears a flatline and rushes into the room, asking what happened. The husband replies, "I dont know, Doc. I think she choked."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A husband and his wife were always fighting each other.

When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.

The woman would shout - 'When I die, I will dig my way up, out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life..'

Neighbours feared her and the woman liked the fact that she was feared..

To everyone's relief, she died of a heart attack when she was 58. Her husband had a closed casket at the wake..

After the burial, he went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow. His neighbours, concerned for his safety, asked - 'Aren't you afraid that she may indeed be able to dig her way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life??'

The husband put down his drink and said - 'Let her dig. I had her buried upside down..'

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Having sex while camping is NOT for the faint of heart.

It's fuckin' in tents

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Morning sex

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A woman patient in a hospital had been in a coma for a number of years. Each day a nurse gave her a bed bath. One day while washing her private parts she notices that the monitor shows an increase in heart rate.

The nurse tells a Doctor, He considers the results and calls her husband. When he arrives the Doctor suggests that oral sex may help. The husband agrees and they pull the curtain around the bed for privacy.

30 minutes later the monitor shows her heart and breathing has stopped, then she flatlines and is obviously dead. The Dr rushes in and asks the husband what happened, he looks at the doctor and says I don't know, maybe she choked.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Little Johnny puts a dot on the blackboard (NSFW)

The teacher in her first grade class asks her students to come to the chalkboard and draw something that causes a lot of excitement and commotion. Little Johnny comes up and simply puts a dot on the chalkboard. The teacher asks "what is that?" Little Johnny replies, "it's a period." The teacher says "why does it cause excitement and commotion?" Little Johnny says "it doesn't, but my sister said she missed one this morning and my mom fainted, my dad had a heart attack, and the guy next door shot himself"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Sunday Morning Sex

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Man in ecstasy

He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again, back and forth, back and forth...in and out...in and out.

It was going on 20 minutes at this point...

Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed...then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder. Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted:

*"OK, OK! I can't park the damn car! You do it, you smug bastard!"*

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Two girls die and go to Heaven...

They meet up there, realizing they know each other and are surprised to see the other one dead.

"Wow! What happened to you?" Asks the firs one.

"Hypothermia.. It was soo cold, but after a while I just wanted to sleep and looks like I am never waking up. How about you?"

"Heart attack"

"Whaat! You are in your twenties! What happened? "

"Well, for a while now I've been suspecting that my husband cheats on me. So this one night I told him I was gonna be working late, but I came home early. I was damn sure there was a girl there. I looked everywhere, but to no avail. Under the bed, in the closet, in the bathroom, in the basement. I was so frustrated by the end, that my heart just collapsed."

"Well" said the other one "Had you checked the fridge, we both would've been alive right now"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My wife bites her lip to look sexy

I just don't have the heart to tell her you're meant to bite the bottom lip.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Middle age texting

The middle-aged couple had finally learned how to send and receive texts on their cell phones.

The wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day that she'd send her husband a text while she was out of the house having coffee with a friend.

She texted:

If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.

The husband, being a no-nonsense sort of guy, texted back:

I'm on the toilet. Please advise.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

They say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach...

Unless he's a vegan. Then you can get there through his vagina.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Cardiologist's Funeral

Β A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral attended by fellow physicians, family members, friends.
A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral ....I'm a gynecologist."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

An older man was married to a younger woman.

An older man was married to a younger woman. After several years of a very happy marriage, he had a heart attack. The doctor advised him that to prolong his life they should cut out sex. He and his wife discussed the matter and decided that he should sleep in the family room downstairs to save them both from temptation.
One night, after several weeks, he decided that life without sex wasn't worth living. So he headed upstairs. He met his wife on the staircase and said, "I was coming up to die."

She laughed and replied, "I was coming down to kill you!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Ending It All

A very old woman realizes that she's seen and done everything and the time has come to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she decides to shoot herself through the heart.

Not wanting to make a mistake, she phones her doctor and asks him the exact location of the heart. He tells her that the heart is located two inches below the left nipple.

The old woman hangs up the phone, takes careful aim and shoots herself in the left knee.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Maturbating when hooked up to a heart monitor really gets the nurses running around. They never know if you are coming or going.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

As I looked into her eyes across the candlelit table, I felt my knees go weak, my heart began to race and my stomach turned to butterflies...

That's when I realized I drugged the wrong glass!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face,...

...as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again, back and forth, back and forth...in and out...in and out.

It was going on 20 minutes at this point...

Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed...then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.

Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted:

"OK, OK! I can't park the damn car! You do it, you smug bastard!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A jew in his deathbed...

A jew in his deathbed is surrounded by his family. He asks if the wife is there; she was. He asks if his son was there; he was. He asked if his daughter was there, and she was.

As he finds out everyone's there, he has a heart attack. His final words were:
-Why... is no one... in the shop...

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Ladies, When a guy calls you hot,he's looking at your body,When a guy calls you pretty,he's looking at your face, When a guy calls you Beautiful,he's looking at your heart

All 3 guys still want to fuck you,though

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A dad walks by his son's bedroom...

And hears the kid praying. "God bless mommy, daddy and grandma. Tata, grandpa." The dad can't help but scratch his head. Still, he was glad his kid was praying. And so he went to bed.

The next morning, Grandpa was found dead on the floor of a heart attack. The dad is weirded out again, but decides it's just coincidence.

That night, the kid prayed again. "God bless mommy and daddy. Tata, grandma." He is a little worried, but decides to brush it off.

The next morning, grandma is dead. He is starting to freak out now, and decides to wait by the bedroom door when the kid prays again.

"God bless mommy. Tata, daddy." He absolutely flipped out, stayed awake that night and went to the doctor in the morning. When he got back, he found his wife waiting for him. And she said,

"Thank god you're here! I found the milkman dead on the porch this morning!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A regular at a local bar is drinking heavily one night, and expectedly has a heart attack and dies.

The patrons are dismayed. They know someone's got to call his wife, but no one feels up to the task.

The drunk at the end of the bar unexpectedly says he'll do it, and he picks up the phone.

Hello, is this Mrs Jamison? Ma'am…I have some good news, and some bad news for you

What's that? She asks suspiciously

The bad news is your husband lost $20,000 to me playing poker.

What! She screams. I'm going to kill him!

The drunk replies Well, that's the good news…

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The vaccine conspiracy

Linda had a heart attack and was brought to the emergency room while in clinical death. The doctors managed to revive her, but during her coma she saw a bright light and God appeared to her. She asked him:

"Tell me, God, is it true that vaccines could cause autism?"

"No, autism is a condition that develops during pregnancy"

After getting well, she met her friends and told them about her experience:

"Girls, I have awful news: the conspiracy goes way higher than we've thought"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A famous heart surgeon died and everyone was gathered at his funeral. A coffin was displayed in front of a huge heart. When the minister finished with the sermon and after everyone had paid their respects, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.

Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing. The guy next to him said, control yourself man.

I'm sorry, he replied, I was thinking about my own funeral.

What's so funny about that?

I'm aΒ gynecologist.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A very christian woman

A very Christian woman marries a very Christian man. Following the words of the Bible, "Be fruitful and multiply," they have many children. 16 over the course of 18 years, to be exact.

A few years later, the husband dies suddenly of a heart attack. The lady remarries another man, and they have 17 children over the course of 22 years. The woman's second husband dies of old age.

The woman herself dies a few years later. At her funeral, her sister remarks, "Well, at least they're finally together."

"Who? She and her husbands?" asks the pastor.

"No," says the sister. "Her legs."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

This woman is at her 95 year old fathers funeral

and she is sitting next to her 95 year old mother. While the eulogy is being read, the daughter leans over to her mother and says "Mom, you were there when dad died weren't you?" The mother said "Yes." The daughter asked, "Mom, how did he die?" The mother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were having sex." The daughter said "Mom! Don't you think that 95 years old is a little old to be having sex?! Don't you think that is a little irresponsible?!" The mother said "Well no, we found that the perfect time to do it was on Sunday because from our bedroom we could hear the church bells ringing. This was his perfect rhythm. He would go in on ding and out on dong, in on ding and out on dong. And he would still be alive today if that damn ice cream truck hadn't rolled by."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My mother always used to say, "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach!" Lovely woman...

...useless surgeon.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man wakes up with a huge hangover after getting blackout drunk the night before

painfully opens his eyes, looks around - "phew! At least I'm home". On the nightstand he sees a glass of water, an aspirin and a note saying "Honey, breakfast is ready, I love you with all my heart - xoxo, your wife".

Not understanding a thing, he walks to the kitchen and realizes that the house is sparkling clean. He sees his son in the living room and asks him about what had happened the night before. The son says:

β€” Well, you came home as usual, blackout drunk, threw up in the corridor, peed all over the bathroom, gave mom a black eye and went to bed. Then, when she started to pull off your pants, you screamed:

"Get away from me, bitch, I'm married!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

An old lady was tired of her hard life and wanted to commit suicide.

She decided the best way to die was to shoot herself through the heart, but she doesn't know where the heart is. So she called her doctor and asked.

The doctor told her the heart is located 2 inches below the left nipple.

The old lady hung up and shot herself in her knee.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A heart of gold.

A local charity had never received a donation from the town's banker, so the director made a phone call. Our records show you make $500,000 a year, yet you haven't given a penny to charity, the director began. Wouldn't you like to help the community?

The banker replied, Did your research show that my mother is ill, with extremely expensive medical bills?

Um, no, mumbled the director.

Or that my brother is unemployed? Or that my sister's husband left, leaving her broke with four kids?

I … I … I had no idea.

So, said the banker, if I don't give them any money, why would I give any to you?

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Son: Dad why is our food so cold and bland?

Dad: It's because your mother put her heart and soul into it.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

As I looked into her eyes...

...across the candlelit table, I felt my knees go weak.
My heart began to race and my stomach turned to butterflies...

That's when I realised that I'd drugged the wrong glass.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Donald Trump dies in Israel

After too much effort during a state visit in Israel, Trump collapses of a heart attack. The Israeli officials take the body and tell the Americans : " There's two options."

" The first one, you pay $5,000,000 and we send the body back to the United States so he can be buried there. "

" Second option, you pay $100,000 and we bury him here in the sacred land of Israel"

After much debating, the Americans decided to pay the larger fee and repatriate the body. Surprised, the Israelis ask them why they chose the bigger figure.

" Well, the last time you buried someone he came back after three days so we're not taking any chances !"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My Lesbian Neighbours Asked Me...

My Lesbian neighbours Eva and Julia asked me to help them conceive a child recently. They said they wouldn't mind if we did it the "old fashioned way" as they were pretty outgoing. For 3 months now we've been trying but I just don't have the heart to tell them I had a vasectomy last year...

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My father has the heart of a lion...

And also a lifetime ban from the zoo.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

After my wife died of a heart attack, I didn't want to settle down again right away. I wanted to have some fun first, so I went online to find a young girl with big tits that I could have casual sex with. Needless to say, my in laws weren't impressed...

They thought I should have called an ambulance first...

πŸ‘πŸΌ

It's Only A Game?

At the golf course one Sunday, Bernie's about to putt, when a funeral procession turns the corner just off the course and begins to roll by. Bernie straightens up from his putter, takes his hat off, and holds it over his heart. He stands there silently like that, facing the procession, until it passes. Then he bends over again and makes his putt.
Β Β Β Β Β  "That was a very thoughtful gesture," a member of his foursome says to him as they walk towards the next tee. "You are one compassionate guy."
Β Β Β Β Β "Thank you," replies Bernie. "We would have been married 25 years next Tuesday."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

To all of you idiots out there that drive loud cars, we hate you and get off our roads.

We don't care how many heart attack victims you have to take to the hospital.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl.

She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.


Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a burden to someone, she called her doctor to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.


"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I have the heart of a lion, the dick of a horse,

and a lifetime ban from the city zoo.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

An old cowboy told his grandson...

An old cowboy told his grandson "The secret to a long, healthy life is to put a pinch of gunpowder in your oatmeal every morning." The grandson took this advice to heart, and everyday for the rest of his life put a pinch of gunpowder in his oatmeal every morning. When he died at the age of 132 he left behind 5 children, 12 grandchildren, 35 great grandchildren, 78 great great grandchildren, and a 50 foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The sky was blue, the moon was high, we were together, just her and I...

The sky was blue, the moon was high, we were together, just her and I.

Her hair was brown, her eyes baby blue, I knew exactly what she wanted to do.

And so, with courage, I did my best and laid my hand upon her breast.

Her face was light, her body fine, I ran my finger down her spine.

I trembled in shock, I felt her heart, slowly she spread her legs apart.

I knew she was ready... but I didn't know how, for this was my first experience at milking a cow.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My first time. [SFW]

The sky was dark, the moon was high. All alone just she and I. Her hair was soft, her eyes were blue, I knew just what she wanted to do. Her skin so soft, Her legs so fine. I ran my fingers down her spine. I didn't know how, but I tried my best I placed my hand upon her breast. I remember my fear, my fast beating heart, but slowly she spread her legs apart. And when I did it I felt no shame. All at once, the white stuff came. At last it's finished; It's all over now. My first time. Milking a cow.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

So an old lady's husband dies...

The old lady depressed and wants to kill herself goes to the doctor and asks him "Where is the heart located?" The doctor tells her it is under the left breast. The old lady goes to the gun store and buys a gun, goes home and puts the gun under her left breast and pulls the trigger. The old lady was soon admitted to the hospital with a bullet wound to her left knee.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Why do you make more money?

A heart surgeon takes his Cadillac to his mechanic to get his engine fixed. When he returns a few days after to pick up the car, the mechanic calls him over to show him something. He says, "Okay Doc, I've changed the seals out and fixed everything up but I have one question. The engine is to the car as the heart is to the body. Why is it that you make some much more money than me?"

The doctor examines the engine carefully and says, "try fixing it while the engine is running."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks ...

'Excuthe me, do you have any widdle wabbits?'
The shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees
so that he's on her level, and says, 'Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft, fwuffy bwack wabbit, or one like that widdle bwown wabbit over there?'
The little girl blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and whispers ...
'I don't weally fink my pyfon gives a phuk!!..

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A lawyer undergoes heart surgury, and is in bed in the recovery area

As he wakes up, he notices the room is dark, and a doctor is standing there. He asks the doctor, "Why did you close all the window shades?"

The doctor says, "There was a large fire across the street, and we didn't want you to think you didn't survive the operation."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A priest has a heart attack and is rushed to hospital

When he wakes up, he is being raced through the corridors on a gurney. Disoriented, he asks, "am I in heaven?"

"No, replies the nurse. "We're just taking a shortcut through the children's ward."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Marriage is like a deck of cards

At the start all you need is a heart and a diamond.

By the end you just want a club and a spade

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My uncle was the first man to be fitted with a lead pacemaker. He died last week.

We buried him with a heavy heart.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

"It's impossible" said Pride. "It's risky" said Experience. "It's pointless" said Reason. "Give it a try" whispered Heart. (NSFW)

"What the hell is that!" screamed the anus.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What gave Hitler a heart attack?

Seeing his gas bill

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A person sees an old man crying on a park bench...

Their heart breaks for the man and they walk up so see if he's ok.

"What's matter?"

"I have a beautiful wife," says the man.

"Um, ah ok, but"

"She's young and beautiful" the man repeats and continues sobbing.

"Ok, ok but why are you crying?"

"She cleans the house, cooks delicious dinners, we even had sex ever other day"

"I'm sorry, I really don't understand why would things make you cry. Your wife sounds amazing"

"I can't remember where I live..."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My grandfather has the heart of a lion, ...

and a lifetime ban from Edinburgh zoo.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The Pope is teaching a Sunday school class

"Children" begins the Pope. "Where's Jesus today?"

Little Tommy says: "He's in my heart."

Little Barry says: "He's in Heaven."

Little Davey says: "He's in our bathroom."

The surprised Pope asks Little Davey how he knows this.

"Well," says Little Davey, "every day my Dad bangs on our bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I have the eyes of a hawk, the heart of a lion, the ears of a fox

And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My Dad has the heart of a lion

and so much hate mail he had to shut down his dental practice

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My Math Professor Told Us This Joke Today.

A mathematician had a change of heart and decided to embark on a career change to become a fire fighter. He walks into a fire station, approaches the supervisor and demands to be hired.

Even though there were positions open, the supervisor doesn't consider the mathematician very practical and decides to give him two tests before he hired the mathematician.

The supervisor takes the mathematician to the back of the station and lights the dumpster on fire, saying "What do you do?" The mathematician immediately picks up a hose and puts the fire out.

The supervisor now asks his final question, "Now that the dumpster is not on fire, what do you do?"

The mathematician thinks and says "This problem can be reduced to a problem with a known solution." and lights the dumpster on fire.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The way to a man's heart is through his stomach.

Unless he's a Vegetarian. Then you can get there through his vagina.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Did you hear about the 80 year old woman that tried to kill herself?

She was told that the most effective way would be to shoot herself through the heart, just below her left breast... She woke up in hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

a husband is about to die...

he goes out with his friends to give them the bad news. he tells them he has an announcement to make

-" i wanted to thank you guys for being there for me, i want to inform you that i have AIDS and i will die in a week. "

everyone was devastated cried and left with their heart a little broken.

when the man arrived home, he told his wife everything. after finishing she screamed:

-"AIDS! why did you tell them you have AIDS? you have cancer, not aids!"

the man turns to his wife and says.

-"im going to die, but im going to make sure no one goes to bed with you too".

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My in-laws couldn't cope when their cat unexpectedly had 9 kittens, so my wife told me to put them in a sack and throw them in the river…

I did it but it broke my heart.

I quite liked her dad…

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Fred gets home from his weekly golf game....

and his wife asks how it went. Fred says: "It was terrible. George had a heart attack and died on the 11th fairway. It was awful." His wife is understandably shaken and says: "That's terrible, poor George." Fred says fuck George, poor me! The whole back side of the course it was hit the ball, drag George, hit the ball, drag George.........."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Yo mama so fat...

...she had an heart attack while running an app.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Pet shop

A little girl walks in to a pet shop and ask the owner for a rabbit the owner heart melts and says what kind of rabbit do you want a white rabbit a brown rabbit or a grey rabbit and the little girl says "I don't think my python gives a fuck "

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Three surgeons...

...are discussing what kinds of patients are the easiest for operations.

The first surgeon said, "Electricians are the easiest. Everything inside is color coded."

The second surgeon said, "No, librarians are the easiest. Everything inside is in alphabetical order."

The third surgeon said, "No, politicians are by far the easiest. There's no heart, no guts, no spine, no brain, and no balls. Plus, the head and ass are interchangeable."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

An old woman wants to commit suicide...

...by shooting herself in the heart, but she doesn't really know where the heart is.

She goes to the local doctor and asks;

"Doctor, can you please tell me where the heart is?"

"Oh, it's just below your left breast."

So the old woman walked home and shot herself in the knee.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

It makes my heart race when my GF puts her head in my lap during long road trips

So now I only let her do it when it's my turn to drive

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Two ladies meet in heaven

Woman 1 turns to woman 2 and says, "Susan! You're here too? How'd you die?"
Susan: "Beverly! Yep, I'm dead. I froze to death."
Beverly: "That sounds horrible..."
Susan: "No, actually it's quite peaceful. Once you get past the cold, you just fall asleep and die. What about you? How'd you die?
Beverly: "Oh, I had a heart attack."
Susan: "Really? What happened?"
Beverly: "I was certain my husband was cheating on me, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But when I got home, I found him in the den, watching TV."
Susan: "And...?"
Beverly: "I was so sure there was another woman, I ran around the house frantically searching. I checked the attic, the basement, under all the beds, in all the closets. Eventually, I just keeled over and died from a massive heart attack."
Susan: "Too bad you didn't look in the freezer. We'd both still be alive."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Pastor and the Housekeeper

In France, the young assistant pastors do not live in
the main rectory. That is reserved for the Pastor and
his housekeeper. One day the pastor invited his new
young assistant pastor to have dinner at the rectory.
While being served, the young pastor noticed how shapely
and lovely the housekeeper was and down deep in his
heart he wondered if there was more between the pastor
and the housekeeper.

After the meal was over, the middle-aged pastor assured
the young priest that everything was purely professional...that
she was the housekeeper and cook and that was that.
About a week later the housekeeper came to the pastor
and said, "Father, ever since the new assistant came
for dinner I have not been able to find the beautiful
silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it, do
you?" The Pastor said, "Well, I doubt it but I'll write
him a letter."

So he sat down and wrote, "Dear Father, I'm not saying
you did take the gravy ladle and I'm not saying you
did not take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that
it has been missing since you were here for dinner."

The young assistant received the letter and he answered
it as follows: "Dear Father Pastor, I'm not saying that
you do sleep with the housekeeper and I'm not saying
that you do not sleep with the housekeeper. But I do
know for sure that if you slept in your own bed you
would find the gravy ladle."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What part of the body goes to heaven first?

In Sunday school, Sister Mary asked the class: "What part of the body goes to heaven first?"

In the back of the class, nasty Billy waved his hand frantically, but Sister Mary, suspecting a wrong answer, turned to another child.

"Yes, Susan?"

"The heart goes to heaven first because that's where God's love lives."

"Excellent," said Sister Mary, "and you, Charlotte?"

"The soul, Sister Mary, because that's the part that lives beyond death."

"Very good, Charlotte," said the Sister, as she noticed Billy's hand still waving in desperation."

"OK, Billy, what do you think?"

"It's the feet that go first, Sister, the feet."

"That's a strange answer Billy. Why the feet?"

Billy answered, "Because I saw my mom with her feet up in the air, shouting, 'God, I'm coming, I'm coming!'"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A little girl goes to a pet shop and asks "Excuthe me do you have any widdle wabbits?"

The shop keepers heart melts.

He gets down on his knees so that he is on her level and says, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft, fuffy, bwack wabbit, or one like that widdle bwown one over there..?"

The little girl blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and whispers . . . "I don't wealy fink my pyfon gives a phuc..

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Aging Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl.

She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.


Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.


"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A Texan, a Californian and a Seattlite were all drinking in a bar.

After a while, the Texan grabbed a bottle of tequila, threw it in the air and shot it into a thousand pieces. "Don't you boys worry about it," said the Texan, "we have plenty of tequila deep in the heart of Texas."

The Californian, not wanting to be outdone, selected a bottle of fine wine, tossed it up, and shot it into smitherines. "Hey, don't sweat it dudes," chirped the Californian, "There's zillions of bottles of wine in Cali."

The Seattlite, following suit, guzzled down a bottle of micro-brewed beer, chucked it towards the rafters, shot the Californian, and (without missing a beat) pulled out his hand and caught the beer bottle. Everyone in the bar stood frozen in shock.

"Relax," said the Seattlite cooly, "Up in Seattle, there's a freakin' shitload of Californians. No big deal."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

[NSFW] At breakfast, a husband says to his wife, "I want to try doggy tonight."

Surprisingly enough, the wife agrees.

So that night, both quite excited, the husband cooks his wife a lovely dinner. After enjoying the meal they head upstairs and get into bed. The husband leans over to his wife, kisses her on the cheek and says, "night night sweet heart"

The wife turns on her bedside lamp, confused, and says, "what? What about doggy?"

The husband replies, "honey, I can't believe you enjoyed it so much you want more. I'm sorry, but there's none left, I'll cook it again for you next week."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Bumping into People

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both startled and he says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A lawyer, A priest and a scout Leader with his troupe are on a plane.

The pilot dies of a heart attack and the plane begins to go down.

Scout Leader "There aren't enough parachutes, we must give them to the children!"

Lawyer "Fuck the children!"

Priest "Do you think there's time?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My wife thinks it's seductive to bite her lip.

I haven't the heart to tell her it's supposed to be the bottom one.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

So I was walking downstairs from my apartment and my elbow hit the chest of a girl whom I had never seen.

"Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your chest then you will forgive me", I said to her.

"If your dick is as hard as your elbow, I live on the 4th floor", she replied.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Last night a man attacked me.

Last night when i was coming home from work a man attacked me. He silently put the knife to my throat with his hand covering my mouth.. I think that's it, I'm done. He takes out his business card, gives it to me and leaves. With a pounding heart and shortness of breath, I read it.

It said : *Self-defense courses.*

πŸ‘πŸΌ

An old woman reaches the end of her life..

A very old woman realizes that she's seen and done everything and the time has come to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she decides to shoot herself through the heart.

Not wanting to make a mistake, she phones her doctor and asks him the exact location of the heart. He tells her that the heart is located two inches below the left nipple.

The old woman hangs up the phone, takes careful aim and shoots herself in the left knee.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The way to a man's heart is through his stomach...

...that way, you don't have to break open that stupid ribcage.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

It's a shame Carrie Fisher was on a United Airlines flight when she had her heart attack.

If she was on another airline there might have been a doctor on board.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I've got the eye of the tiger, heart of a lion, and...

a lifetime ban from the zoo.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A boy asks his father: "Dad, why is the food so cold and bland?" The dad replies:

Your mum put her heart and soul into it.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Golfers wife has a heart attack

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack!

"Help me dear," she groans to her husband.

The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt.

His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him.

"I'm dying here and you're putting?"

"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you.

"Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly.

"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I have the heart of a lion

And a lifetime ban from the local zoo

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I've got the eye of the tiger, the heart of the lion...

And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I have the heart of a lion, the eyes of an eagle and

A lifetime ban from the zoo

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I think my friend is a vampire

I stabbed him in the heart with a wooden stake and he died

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My grandfather has the heart of a lion.

And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I have the heart of a lion...

and a lifelong ban from the zoo.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The England Football Team visited an Orphanage in Russia yesterday..

"It's heart breaking to see their little faces with no hope", said Vladimir, aged 6.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The husband was filled with pleasure...

...with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again, back and forth, back and forth...in and out...in and out.
It was going on 20 minutes at this point...
Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed...then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.
Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted:
"OK, OK! I can't park the damn car! You do it, you smug bastard!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What is a pirate's favorite letter?

You'd think it'd be "R", but me heart belongs to the "C".

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The incredible human machine

* It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

* One human hair can support 6.6 pounds.

* The average man's penis is two times the length of his thumb.

* Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

* A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

* There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

* Women blink twice as often as men.

* The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

* Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

* If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.


* Women will be finished reading this by now.

* Men are still busy checking their thumbs.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What is the worst time to have a heart attack?

During a game of charades

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A little girl walked into a pet shop and asked in the sweetest lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shop keeper's heart melted, he got down on his knees to her level, asking: "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like this cute widdle bwown wabbit over here?"
The little girl leaned forward and said: "I don't fink my pet python weally gives a thit."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Most people think I'm sick and twisted...

But I'm not! I have the heart of a little girl.

In a jar.

On my desk.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

How many hearts can the Belgium football team break at once?

About a brazilian...

πŸ‘πŸΌ


I was hungover this morning so I phoned work and said to the boss...

.. "I'm afraid I won't be in today, my father had a massive heart attack and died last night."

"That was your last chance Dave," he said, "I'm taking the 'and son' off the shop sign."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Heart of a lion

My grandad has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from Edinburgh zoo.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My grandpa has the heart of a lion,

And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A Man Has a Heart Attack on a Plane...

Stewardess: Is **anybody** here a doctor?!

Man: (Raising Hand) I'm a vegan.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Steve Irwin died the way he lived.

With animals in his heart.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A Child's Prayer

One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."
The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.
The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."
The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.
Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy."
Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this morning!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My in-laws couldn't cope when their cat had 9 kittens, so my wife told me to put them in a sack and dump them in the river.

I did it, but it broke my heart. I quite liked her dad.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

"It is impossible.", said pride. "It is risky.", said experience. "It is pointless.", said reason. "Give it a try.", whispered the heart.

"**WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?**", screamed the anus two minutes later.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A woman was standing in a crowded lift

A woman was standing in a crowded lift of the hotel she was staying in. When a man got in and accidentally elbowed her in the breast. The man said, "I'm sorry! But if your heart is as soft as your tit, you'll forgive me." so the woman replies, "If your dick is as hard as your elbow then I am staying in room 113."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A Very Nice Golfer

There are two men playing golf, at the end of the range you can see a funeral procession going by. As the hearse drives by followed by a few cars one man kneels down, takes off his hat and puts it over his heart, and says a prayer.

The man next to him says, "Well that's the nicest thing I've ever seen a golfer do!" The man stands up says "Well it's the least I could do, I was married to her for 35 years..."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

All of the organs are deciding who should be in charge

"I should be in charge," said the brain , "I run all the body's systems, without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the heart , "I circulate oxygen and nutrients all over."

"No! I should be in charge," said the stomach, "I process the food that gives us energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs, "without me the body couldn't go anywhere."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "I allow the body to see where it goes."

"I should be in charge," said the anus, "I am responsible for waste removal."

All of the other body parts laughed at the anus and insulted him. So he shut down. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the heart pumped toxic blood. They all decided that the anus should be the boss.

What is the moral of the story? Even though everybody else does all of the work the ass hole is usually in charge.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A woman gets into a car accident and goes into a coma...

The doctors and nurses do everything to try and help her but no response. They call in her husband to give him the news when a nurse comes running out and pulls the doctor aside. She says; "Doctor while I was giving the woman a sponge bath I washed her vagina and her heart rate and brain activity increased." The doctor thinks about this for a second and goes back to the husband. He then tells him; "Sir, your wife is very injured and nothing has seemed to work until five minutes ago. I know this will sound unorthodox but I recommend oral sex as it seems to be the only thing she has responded to." The husband seems very uneasy about this and the doctor continues to ask him to do this assuring him that it will be private and no one will interrupt him. The husband agrees and walks into the room to help his wife. A few minutes later the woman flat lines and the husband rushes out of the room. The doctor asks him what has happened and the man replies. "I think she choked."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The Heart Attack

THE HEART ATTACK

A blonde gets home from work early & hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.
She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed,
sweating and panting.
'What's up?' she asks.

'I think I'm having a heart attack,' - cries the husband..
The blonde rushes downstairs to use the phone, but just as she's dialling, her four-year-old son says
"Mummy mummy, aunty Shirley is hiding in the wardrobe & she has no clothes on"

The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom
right past her husband..rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is
her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor.
'You rotten Bitch', she screams.
'My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around
naked playing hide and seek with the kids!!'

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A woman has a heart attack in a plane.

The stewardess asks "Is there a doctor on board?".

A person comes forward and announces "I'm a vegan."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A 55 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital...

While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

God replied: "I didn't bloody recognise you!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

If I ever need a heart transplant..

I'd want my ex's. It's never been used.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

the case for the lost bicycle

A Methodist preacher and a Baptist preacher live in a small southern town. Every day, they pass each other on their bycycles as they ride to their respective churches. One day, the Methodist notices the Baptist walking.

He says "Brother, where is your bicycle?"

"My heart is heavy, for I fear that a member of my congregation has stolen it" replied the Baptist.

"That's horrible." Thinking for a moment, the Methodist has an idea. "I know how we might get your bike back. This Sunday, you should preach the ten commandments. When you get to thou shalt not steal, really bear down on it. Maybe the theif will feel guilty and return your bike."

"That's a great idea, I'll try it!"

Sure enough, the following Monday, the Methodist preacher sees the Baptist Preacher riding his bike.

"I see my plan worked" said the Methodist.

"Well, not exactly" replied the Baptist. "I did like you said, and gave a real fire and brimstone sermon on the ten commandments. However, when I got to thou shalt no commit adultery, I remembered where I left my bike."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Two Women Talking in Heaven

1 Woman: Hi, Wandal

2 Woman: Hi, Sylvia! How'd you die?

1 Woman: I froze to death.

2 Woman: How horrible!

1 Woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2 Woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. Instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1 Woman: So what happened?

2 Woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1 Woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer-we'd both still be alive.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My grandpa has a heart of a lion...

... and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Boy: Why is the food so cold and bland?

Dad: Because your mother put her heart and soul into it.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

The Amazing Human Body

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.Β 

One human hair can support 6.6 pounds.Β 

The average man's penis is two times the length of his thumb.Β 

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.Β 

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.Β 

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.Β 

Women blink twice as often as men.Β 

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.Β 

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women
will be finished reading this by now.Β 


Men
are still busy checking their thumbs.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A man walked into a woman.

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both startled and he says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A husband find his wife in bed with no clothes and sweating and he says

What's wrong honey? A HEART ATTACK, the wife says.
So he runs out to call for help when he trips with his 3 year old kid and the kid screams "Daddy daddy there's a monster in my closet" So the dad quickly goes to the kid's closet and finds his best friend naked and the dad says, - Johnny!! you son of a bitch... my wife is having a heart attack and here you are scaring my kid!

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My grandfather has the heart of a lion

and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face

as his wife moved forwards, then backwards, then forwards, then backwards again. Back and
forth, in and out, back and forth...

Her heart was pounding, her face was flushed. Then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder. Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted,

"Okay, Okay! I can't park the bloody car! You do it, you smug bastard!"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My wife tried to be sexy by biting her lips at me...

...I didn't have the heart to tell her that you're supposed to bite your *bottom* lips

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My mom says that the best way to a man's heart is through his stomach.

Her malpractice suit isn't going so well.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Widdle wabbits

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits? "
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks,
"Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there? "
She in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't fink my pet python weally gives a thit. "

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Frank and Harry are at their golf club...

As Frank gets set to take his swing, a funeral procession goes by. He steps back, takes his hat off and holds it over his heart. Harry walks over, puts his hand on Frank's shoulder and says "That was a thoughtful thing to do". To which Frank replies "It was the least I could do, we were married for 30 years."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What does an orgasm and a heart rate have in common?

I don't care whether she has one.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I'm in room 1221."

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both startled and he says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

My son just got a tattoo of a heart, a spade, a club, and a diamond, all without my permission.

I guess I'll deal with him later.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Finally took that warning on the cigarette pack to heart

and stopped littering

πŸ‘πŸΌ

I have the heart of a lion...

and a lifetime ban from the San Diego zoo.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Widdel Wabbits

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth,

"Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks,

"Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice,

"I don't think my python weally gives a thit."

πŸ‘πŸΌ

7 mildly offensive jokes

**What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? **

A speech impediment.

**What's the Cuban National Anthem? **

Row row row your boat.

**What's the fastest way to a man's heart? **

Through his chest with a sharp knife.

**Did you hear about the Chinese couple who had a retarded baby? **

They named him Sum Ting Wong.

**Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking? **

Because those men already have boyfriends.

**What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? **

After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

**What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? **

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A heartwarming conversation between a son and his
father.

Son: Dad do you remember your first blowjob?

Dad: Ohhh yeah I do!

Son: How did it taste?

Dad: Get out.

πŸ‘πŸΌ

A little girl walks into a pet store and says to the owner...

"Pwease sir can i have a wabbit?"

The store owner looks at the angelic creature in front of him and his heart melts.

"Of course little girl, would you like a white one, or a black one" He asks.

"Well to be honest mithter" replies the girl "I dont weally think my python gives a fuck".

πŸ‘πŸΌ

What are the best Heart puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Heart? Well, here are the best jokes about Heart to have fun with.

Joko Jokes