Heart Doctor Jokes
108 heart doctor jokes and hilarious heart doctor puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about heart doctor that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Heart Doctor Short Jokes
Short heart doctor jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The heart doctor humour may include short cardiologist jokes also.
- It's a shame Carrie Fisher was on a United Airlines flight when she had her heart attack. If she was on another airline there might have been a doctor on board.
- A woman has a heart attack in a plane. The stewardess asks "Is there a doctor on board?".
A person comes forward and announces "I'm a vegan." - Why did Dracula become a vegetarian? Because his doctor said stakes were bad for his heart.
source: My 7 year-old. - So a 14 year old girl goes to the doctor for a checkup... He puts the stethoscope up to her heart and says,
"Big breaths."
And she says,
"Thankth! I grew them mythelf!" - What's the worst thing to hear at an antivax rally? "He's having a heart attack! Is anyone here a doctor?"
- I went to the doctor to get a cognitive test. The cardiologist told me You're not very bright but your hearts in the right place.
- I had to be rushed in for an emergency open heart surgery today, My doctor grinned as he handed me a scalpel, "Fixing your heart yourself would give you a sense of pride and accomplishm-..."
- My doctor told me to drink hard alcohol for my depression... Turns out absinthe makes the heart grow fonder.
- My grandfather was telling me about his Purple Heart. I told him he should really see a doctor.
- What did the polar bear say to the doctor 'Is my son going to make it from his heart surgery because right now I'm living on ice.'
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Heart Doctor One Liners
Which heart doctor one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with heart doctor? I can suggest the ones about medical doctor and doctor specialist.
- "I think i'm having a heart attack. Quick! Dad, call me a doctor..." "You're a Doctor."
- What do doctors call a tiny heart? Kevin
- Doctor to Patient: "Don’t worry about your heart. It will function as long as you live."
- I like to say I'm a child at heart... but my doctor adamantly disagrees.
- What do you call a heart doctor that likes modern rap music? A Cardi-B-ologist
- I fell in love with a doctor today And she stole my heart.
Gather Around for Heartwarming Heart Doctor Jokes and Uplifting Humor
What funny jokes about heart doctor you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean heart surgery jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make heart doctor pranks.
A woman came to his doctor with a left knee that was shot through.
The doctor asked her: "What does it mean? Why did you shoot accurately your left knee?"
The woman tells him only: "Sorry, but, you doctor, have told me that the heart is located two thumbs under my left breast."
You are in my heart, you are in my blood, you are in all my body.
Alas, my doc says: "You are a parasite!"
Sorry to have missed you, but I'm at the doctor's having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A doctor and a patient
-You have a very weak heart. Do you practice any sport?
-Ehm... is s**... a sport?
-well ... yes.
-No, I don't practice sports ...
Two with sausage and meatballs, two without
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. "But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked. He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.
Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means." The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you."
Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart
attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife.
He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read, "'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.'"
Golfers wife has a heart attack
A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack!
"Help me dear," she groans to her husband.
The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt.
His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him.
"I'm dying here and you're putting?"
"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you.
"Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly.
"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."
Why do you make more money?
A heart surgeon takes his Cadillac to his mechanic to get his engine fixed. When he returns a few days after to pick up the car, the mechanic calls him over to show him something. He says, "Okay Doc, I've changed the seals out and fixed everything up but I have one question. The engine is to the car as the heart is to the body. Why is it that you make some much more money than me?"
The doctor examines the engine carefully and says, "try fixing it while the engine is running."
An Arab needed a heart transplant
, but prior to the surgery the doctors needed to store his blood type in case the need arises. Because the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally. So the calls went out to a number of countries.
Finally, a Jew was located who had the same blood type and who was willing to donate his blood to the Arab.
After the surgery, the Arab sent the Jew a Thank-You Card for giving his blood along with an Expensive Diamond and a New Rolls-Royce car as a token of his appreciation. The Jew was very happy. Unfortunately, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery once again. His doctors called the Jew who was more than happy to donate his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Jew a Thank-You Card and a box of Dates (Qurma) Candies.
The Jew was shocked to see that the Arab this time did not acknowledge the Jew's find gesture in the same way as he had done the first time. So he phoned the Arab and asked him why he had expressed his appreciation in not a very generous manner. The Arab replied: "Ya habibi !!! I have Jewish blood now, remember?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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Ending It All
A very old woman realizes that she's seen and done everything and the time has come to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she decides to shoot herself through the heart.
Not wanting to make a mistake, she phones her doctor and asks him the exact location of the heart. He tells her that the heart is located two inches below the left n**....
The old woman hangs up the phone, takes careful aim and shoots herself in the left knee.
A Child's Prayer
One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."
The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.
The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."
The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.
Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy."
Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this morning!"
An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery.
But prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood in case a need arose.
As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so the call went out.
Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.
After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW motorcycle, diamonds and a substantial sum of money.
A couple of days later, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery.
His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates.
The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.
He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me another motorcycle, diamonds & money... but you only gave me a thank-you card & a box of Quality Street chocolates."
To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
During a lady's medical examination...
The doctor says: "Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine. Now let me see the bit that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."
The lady starts taking off her underwear but is interrupted by the doctor.
"No! No! Don't t**... clothes. Just stick out your tongue!"
Cheating for "Good" Reasons
An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"
Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.
Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?'"
Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage.
Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"
Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"
Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."
"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."
"Alright," Martha said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?"
A man becomes suspicious that his wife is cheating on him
So he confronts her and she admits that there have been three points of time that she has been unfaithful.
He asks her what the first time was, and she says, "remember when you had your heart attack but couldn't figure out how we paid the doctor?"
He says, "I guess you saved my life, I have to forgive you for that. What was the second time?"
"Well, do you remember when you lost your job, and couldn't figure out how we made house payments?"
"I guess I can't fault you for that time. You saved our house. But what was the third time?"
"Well, do you remember when you were running for president of your golf league and needed 79 more votes?"
3 old men...
3 old men are talking in the park. "I had awfull problems with my liver, but I also know a realy good doctor who cured me." says the first one. "I had terible problems with my heart, but a realy good doctor cured me" says the second one. "I had some problems with my memory, but I'm now just like an elephant thanks to my doctor!"says the first one. "Realy?"said the other 2"What's his name?" "Well, ummm..... what's that white plant that starts with an 'M' called?" "What? Do you mean Margaret?" Yes!"says the first one again and quickly pulls out his phone and calls his wife"Hello, Margaret dear? What was the name of the doctor that cured me?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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What did he say???
Old Frank has a doctor's appointment for a checkup, but his hearing is bad so his wife Loretta goes with him.
"I'm going to check your blood pressure, Frank," the doctor says.
"What did he say?"; Frank asked Loretta.
"Your blood pressure, Frank!" she yelled in his ear, "He wants to check your blood pressure!"
"Now I'm going to listen to your heart, Frank," the doctor said.
"What did he say?" Frank asked Loretta.
"Your heart, Frank, he wants to listen to your heart!" she yells in his ear.
"Okay, Frank, now I need a u**... sample and a f**... sample, " the doctor said.
"What did he say?" Frank asked Loretta.
"Your shorts, Frank! He wants your shorts!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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So a man's wife is in a coma...
...and the nurse notices that when she bed-bathes the woman's g**..., there are small fleeting signs of life.
So the doctor explains to the husband and suggests that perhaps if he performed o**... s**... on her, it might bring her out of the coma.
So the husband goes in, but after a minute or so the woman's heart monitor flatlines and all the staff rush in to find her dead.
"What happened?" the doctor screams to the man.
"I'm not sure..." he says,
"...I think she choked"
Just after Jane Fonda was born..
..the doctor approached her father Henry with bad news.
'I'm afraid your new baby daughter has an underdeveloped heart, we're going to have to inject her with pus and create an abscess.'
Henry is shocked.
'I've never heard of the like, what quackery do you call this?!?'
'Well, an abscess makes the heart grow, Fonda!'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
After my grandfather recovered from his second heart attack at 64, he went to the doctor.
The doctor told him - "It's safe for you to resume normal s**... activity."
Without skipping a beat my grandfather replied - "Oh thank god, I was getting sore from the wife's k**... stuff."
My rabbi told me this one.
An orthodox Jewish man is about to go through heart surgery.
Before his doctor begins, he asks the Jewish man if he's ever had a surgical operation before, and if so, how it went.
The Jewish man responds, "I've only had surgery one time, and I couldn't walk for a year and a half."
A dad walks by his son's bedroom...
And hears the kid praying. "God bless mommy, daddy and grandma. Tata, grandpa." The dad can't help but scratch his head. Still, he was glad his kid was praying. And so he went to bed.
The next morning, Grandpa was found dead on the floor of a heart attack. The dad is weirded out again, but decides it's just coincidence.
That night, the kid prayed again. "God bless mommy and daddy. Tata, grandma." He is a little worried, but decides to brush it off.
The next morning, grandma is dead. He is starting to freak out now, and decides to wait by the bedroom door when the kid prays again.
"God bless mommy. Tata, daddy." He absolutely flipped out, stayed awake that night and went to the doctor in the morning. When he got back, he found his wife waiting for him. And she said,
"Thank god you're here! I found the milkman dead on the porch this morning!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Heart transplant
One of the city's homeless women needed a heart transplant, but when they finally had found a donor, she was very nervous. "What if my body rejects this o**...?" She asked the surgeon.
"Well, you have very good health, apart from the heart," replied the surgeon. "What kind of job do you really?"
"Actually I have been a p**... since I was 18," said the woman. "But what has that to do with it?"
"Well," said the doctor. "If you have not rejected a o**... the past ten years, it is very unlikely that it would happen now."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So a cardiologist in a small town died
He was very well loved in the town, and every other doctor in the area came to his f**.... At the end they lowered him into the ground in a wondrous mahogany casket, shaped like a heart, lined with red velvet. It was a beautiful affair, but marred by a woman in the front row who couldn't stop laughing. After he was in the ground, she apologized, wiping her eyes, "I'm so sorry, it's just, I'm a gynecologist and I was imagining my own f**...."
Everyone had a good laugh, but then the proctologist fainted.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An elderly couple
A sweet elderly couple show up at the doctor's office. The doctor asks, What can I do for you? After a minute of shyly staring down at his shoes, the husband looks up with an embarrassed expression and says, I can't seem to get an e**....
The doctor says, I'm going to give you some blue pills. Here's what I want you to do: Take one pill and then skip a day. Then take another pill and skip the next day. Just keep doing this and I think you should see some results.
A few months later the doctor sees the wife on the street. He approaches her and asks how things are going with her husband. The wife replies, Oh, Arnold passed away last week. A heart attack.
I'm so sorry. I did worry that maybe he was too old for s**... activity.
The wife says, Oh no. It wasn't the s**.... It was all that skipping what killed him.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My niece was born with no eyelids, bless her heart, but the doctors were able to replace them with surgically removed f**......
Only side effect is she's a little c**...-eyed now.
The doctor is coming to help you . . .
A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack.
"Help me dear," she groans to her husband.
The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt.
His wife raises her head off the green, stares at him and says, "I'm dying here and you're putting?
"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you.
"Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly.
"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."
The vaccine conspiracy
Linda had a heart attack and was brought to the emergency room while in clinical death. The doctors managed to revive her, but during her coma she saw a bright light and God appeared to her. She asked him:
"Tell me, God, is it true that vaccines could cause autism?"
"No, autism is a condition that develops during pregnancy"
After getting well, she met her friends and told them about her experience:
"Girls, I have awful news: the conspiracy goes way higher than we've thought"
Listen, I might be 320 pounds but my doctor says I have the heart of a 20 year old athlete.
Thank god he'd signed a donor card.
On the street a person has a heart attack.
On the street a person has a heart attack.
Someone shouts:
- Is there a doctor?
Vegan:
- I am a vegan.
A man on an airplane was having a heart attack
The stewardess asked if anyone on board was a doctor. A man replies, "I'm a vegan!"
A man has a heart attack on a plane.
The man who was sitting next to him stood up and shouted"Is anyone here a doctor"
The woman in front of them then stood up and shouted "I'm a vegan!".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An older man was married to a younger woman.
An older man was married to a younger woman. After several years of a very happy marriage, he had a heart attack. The doctor advised him that to prolong his life they should cut out s**.... He and his wife discussed the matter and decided that he should sleep in the family room downstairs to save them both from temptation.
One night, after several weeks, he decided that life without s**... wasn't worth living. So he headed upstairs. He met his wife on the staircase and said, "I was coming up to die."
She laughed and replied, "I was coming down to kill you!"
A wife accompanies her husband to a follow up appointment at his doctor.
Things go normally, but as they are about to leave the doctor asks if he can talk to her privately. The husband goes to the waiting room.
The doctor tells the woman, "I didn't want to scare him, but your husband has a very serious heart condition. As long as he is treated properly, he should live a long life."
"What do we need to do?" says the wife.
"Well, you are going to have to keep him calm and relaxed at all times. Don't make him do anything around the house. Message him if he feels stressed. Cook his favorite meals. Let him watch what he wants on TV. Anything you can do to keep him happy and relaxed."
The wife leaves the office and her and her husband get in the car.
"I'm dying to know, what did he want to say to you?" says the husband.
"You have two weeks to live."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A fat r**... went to a doctor to check on his heart condition.
The doctor advised him to stop eating meat with high fat contents, while low fat meat are still OK to eat. The r**... was confused which are which, so the doctor gave simple explanation; "You may only eat animal which swims in the water, like fishes for example."
A week later, the doctor went to the r**... house to check on him. The doctor found him around a pool in the back of his trailer. The doctor asked "What are you doing here?". r**... answered "Oh hi mister doctor, I'm just teachin ma cow to swim."
Doctor has a point.
A Lexus mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a LS460 when he spotted
a well-known cardiologist in his shop.
The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car
when the mechanic shouted across the garage,
"Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"
The cardiologist, a bit surprised walked over to where the mechanic was working.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked,
"So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged,
and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new.
So how is it that I make $48,000 a year and you make $1.7M when you and I are doing
basically the same work?
The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic.
"Try doing it with the engine running."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An old woman's husband dies
She wants to kill herself but she can't find her heart so she goes to the doctor and asks him, "Doctor where is my heart?" The doctor says, "Right behind your left breast." She goes home gets n**... and shoots herself in the knee.
My doctor says I have the resting heart rate of an Olympic athlete,
after they won the 100m.
A Geeky One
Why would The Doctor and Storm get along?
Because he is the heart of the storm.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman is in the hospital in a coma...
and the husband is in the waiting room. The doctor comes out and tells the husband every time he gets near her c**..., her heart rate increases, and tells the husband he believes o**... s**... will bring her out of the coma.
The husband enters the room. Shortly after, the doctor hears a flatline and rushes into the room, asking what happened. The husband replies, "I dont know, Doc. I think she choked."
A man notices a pig with a wooden leg
He calls out to the farmer and asks,"why's the pig got a wooden leg?"
The farmer replies, "it's amazing that pig, once I fell in the pond and was drowning. The pig came trotting along, jumped in and pulled me out."
"Wow, that is amazing." said the man.
"and another time I fell asleep on the sofa. Dropped my cigarette and set the whole farmhouse on fire. The pig knocked down the front door, crawled through the smoke and pulled me out into the farmyard."
"That's absolutely extraordinary." exclaimed the man.
"And, a couple of months ago I had a heart attack whilst driving the tractor. The pig trotted alongside, jumped up and grabbed the wheel in his snout, steered it safely to a halt, then ran 12 miles to get me a doctor."
"That is truly amazing. Unbelievable." Said the man, "but what's with the wooden leg?"
"Ah", said the farmer, "you don't eat a pig like that all at once."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl.
She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army p**... and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart.
Not wanting to miss the vital o**... and become a burden to someone, she called her doctor to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.
"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An Israeli doctor says
"In Israel, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver put them on another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for work."
The German doctor says: "That's nothing,
in Germany we take part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."
The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we take half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."
The American doctor laughs: "You all are behind us. Two days ago, we took a man with no brains, no heart, and no liver and made him President.
Now, the whole country is looking for work!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Israeli, German, Russian, and American doctors were talking ...
An Israeli doctor says: "In Israel, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver put them on another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for work."
The German doctor says: "That's nothing,
in Germany we take part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."
The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we take half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."
The American doctor laughs:
"You all are behind us. Two days ago, we took a man with no brains, no heart, and no liver and made him President...Now, the whole country is looking for work!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Aging Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl.
She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army p**... and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital o**... and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.
"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman goes with her husband to the doctor for his exam.
After the exam, the doctor pulls the wife aside and says: "Your husband is suffering from severe long term stress, and he is a good candidate for a heart attack or s**.... If you don't do the following three things he will surely die.
First, every morning fix him a healthy breakfast.
Second, when he gets home make him a warm, nutritious dinner and don't burden him with house hold chores.
Third, have s**... with him several times a week."
On the way home, the husband asks the wife " I saw the doctor talking to you and he looked serious. What did he say?"
Wife: " He says you're gonna die."
I have the heart of a lion, feet of a kangaroo, and the spirit of a wild stallion.
The heart and feet were easy to get, but it took three witch doctors to help me with the last one.
The real troublemaker ...
While examining a female patient, doctor tells her:
Ur heart, lungs, pulse, BP are fine. Now let me see that cute little thing which gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble.
Woman immediately started taking off her top and jeans..
Doc shocked said:
No! No! Plz put on ur clothes.
Just show me your tongue..."
Three doctors are talking about death
The first, a dentist, says, When I die, I think I'd like my tombstone to be shaped like a tooth made of white marble.
Hey, adds the cardiologist, that's not a bad idea, I'd love my tombstone to be shaped as a heart…
The gynecologist is silent for a bit, then says, I think scattering of the ashes is my option.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Once Papa Bear, Mama Bear and Baby Bear had upset stomachs.
They went to the doctor who gave Papa Bear a big dose, Mama Bear a medium dose, and Baby Bear a little dose, and asked them to come again the next day.
The next day, the doctor asked them about the condition of their stomach.
Papa Bear said, "Me very thankful, me did a tankful."
Mama Bear said, "Me very grateful, me did a plateful."
Baby Bear said, "Me broken hearted, me only f**...."
Imagine my surprise when
Imagine my surprise when I went to Tipler Army Medical Center for a heart bypass operation and discovered my surgeon's name was Dr. Eror.
"What a name for a doctor," I said, not sure whether to laugh or cry.
"Yeah," he agreed. "You can imagine the reaction I got when I was a major."
Juan, if you fell ill, what would you do?
Teacher: "Juan, if you fell ill, what would you do?"
Juan: "Go to bed."
Teacher: "But... before that?"
Juan: "I take the clothes off!"
Teacher: "Wouldn't you go to the doctor?"
Juan: "No, no doctor! Doctor killed my uncle in Madrid!"
Teacher: "Really?"
Juan: "Si! My uncle, he has pain in the chest, he go see doctor. Doctor say: 'It's all right!' Ten minutes later in the street my uncle: bght – Finito!"
Teacher: "Was it a heart-attack?"
Juan: "No. Motor-car!"
Teacher: "Well, you can hardly blame the doctor for that."
Juan: "Si! The doctor – he was driving the motor-car!"
So a horse walks into a bar and has a heart attack...
He gets rushed to the hospital and a friend comes to visit.
"is he okay?" The friend asks.
The doctor replies "He's in a stable condition."
I once received a purple heart.
My doctor told me that it was the weirdest surgery he had ever seen.
Adam gets into a terrible car accident.
He wakes up in the hospital, and the doctor explains, "You went straight through the windshield, but you are going to make a full recovery. Part of your ribcage was broken and started putting pressure on your heart, so we carefully removed it while you were under." Adam thinks on this, then asks the Doctor, "So does this mean I get another wife?"
Doctor: I'm afraid you have a blockage in your coronary artery
Patient: Is that to do with the heart
Doctor: Yes
Patient: Ah, aorta know that
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Trumpcare
A British doctor brags to colleagues: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we removed a man's backbone, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he was looking for work."
The German surgeon replies; In Germany we removed a section of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he too is looking for work."
The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we took a beating heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he started a new job."
The American doctor sighs, saying; "You are all still behind us. A few months ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no backbone and he got a job overnight, as our President."
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At an international medical conference:
A British doctor brags to colleagues: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we removed a man's backbone, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he was looking for work."
The German surgeon replies; In Germany we removed a section of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he too is looking for work."
The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we took a beating heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he started a new job."
The American doctor sighs, saying; "You are all still behind us. A few months ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no backbone and he got a job overnight, as our President."
-Maura Obrien from Quora
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Medicine is so advanced
A British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for a job."
The German doctor says: "That's nothing,
in Germany we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for a job."
The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for a job."
The American doctor laughs: "You are all behind us. A few months ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no liver and made him President.
Now, the whole country is looking for a job!"
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An old woman calls the doctor, and ask him where's the heart, the doctor tells her that its next to the n**....
She came with a gut wound
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An elderly man had a massive s**... and his family drove him to the hospital.
After a while, the doctor appeared wearing a long face.
Doctor: I'm afraid Grandpa is brain-dead, but his heart is still beating.
"Oh dear God," cried his wife, we've never had a liberal in the family before!"
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The good doctor
Dr. Jones was having mixed feeling after having i**... with a patient. One voice kept saying "follow your heart" another kept saying "remember, you're a vet"
A Chinese man has a mild heart attack.
Doctor: Take care of yourself or next one will be spicy.
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A woman patient in a hospital had been in a coma for a number of years. Each day a nurse gave her a bed bath. One day while washing her private parts she notices that the monitor shows an increase in heart rate.
The nurse tells a Doctor, He considers the results and calls her husband. When he arrives the Doctor suggests that o**... s**... may help. The husband agrees and they pull the curtain around the bed for privacy.
30 minutes later the monitor shows her heart and breathing has stopped, then she flatlines and is obviously dead. The Dr rushes in and asks the husband what happened, he looks at the doctor and says I don't know, maybe she choked.
A heart transplant
A patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor. The doctor said, "We have 3 possible donors; the 1st is a young, healthy athlete who died in a car accident, the 2nd is a 35 year old businessman who never drank or smoked and who died flying his private jet. The 3rd is an attorney who died after practicing law for 30 years. Which do you want?"
"I'll take the lawyer's heart," said the patient.
After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the donor he did. "It was easy," said the patient, "I wanted a heart that hadn't been used."
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An 85 year old woman was mourning her husband's death.
She decided to commit s**....
So she thinks about it, wondering "how do you kill an 85 year old woman?", and she comes to the conclusion that she would shoot herself with her husband's gun.
She pondered,"where would you shoot an 85 year old woman?" And she realized, "in the heart".
So, not being very educated, she calls her doctor asking where an 85 year old woman's heart is located. He said,"behind the left breast"
The next day, the woman calls her son from the hospital, where she was recovering from a bullet in her left knee.
No climbing stairs
A woman went to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor said there seemed to be a slight heart problem and advised her to take some pills for two weeks and then come back.
"Most of all, don't climb any stairs," advised the doctor.
"But we have a two story house," protested the patient.
"Well, I understand that," said the doctor, "but it's important that you don't climb any stairs."
Two weeks later, she came back and the doctor pronounced her hale and healthy.
"Can I climb stairs again?" she asked.
"Of course," answered the doctor.
"Good," said replied, "because I was getting tired of climbing up that drainpipe every night."
A woman helps a man who is having a heart attack.
The woman asks the gathering crowd, "Any doctor here?" One man answered, "I'm a doctor, what's going on?" The woman says, "He's having a heart attack, can you help?" The man says, "I'm a doctor in philosophy." The woman says, "He is going to die!!". The doctor replies, "We are all going to die."
My doctor told me that I have the biggest heart he had ever seen.
Actually, he said "enlarged". Same thing, right?
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Before prescribing erectile-distinction, medicine doctors often ask if one's heart is ready for s**.... That's actually really deep
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My doctor said my heart's not healthy enough for s**... so d**..., I'm gonna die doing what I love:
Traumatizing my wife!
