Heart Beats Jokes
37 heart beats jokes and hilarious heart beats puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about heart beats that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Heart Beats Short Jokes
Short heart beats jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The heart beats humour may include short heart rate jokes also.
- My girlfriend left a note on my PS4 today. My heart stopped beating because it said "This isn't working" Imagine my relief when I turned it on and it worked just fine.
- Do you know why the Police is the heart of modern society? Because it keeps on beating, and beating, and beating!
- Joke dad did with doc and got a brief confused look before a chuckle After saying the heart rate out loud (in beats per minute) dad asked if that was metric or imperial values.
- I was having trouble with my gf and I asked my friends what I should do. They told me to listen to my heart. So
I beat, beat, beat. - Boy Monster: Did you get the big red heart I sent you for Valentine's?
Girl Monster: Yes, I did. Thank you.
Boy Monster: Is it still beating?
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Heart Beats One Liners
Which heart beats one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with heart beats? I can suggest the ones about heart monitor and heart break.
- I think my heart is angry. It's trying to beat me to death.
- Are you the medulla? Because you make my heart beat.
- What do you call it when a DJ get's a heart attack? A beat drop.
- So this girl asked me what I look for in women I told her, "3 holes and a heart beat"
- Reports are in that Michael Jackson died...... I guess his heart couldn't....beat it!
- ..... If i said my heart was beating loud.....
- Men are like hearts... The more they love the harder they beat.
- Does anybody know whats heart does? Beats me
- They say the heart is the most resilient o**...... it can really take a beating.
Comical Heart Beats Jokes to Spread Joy and Laughter
What funny jokes about heart beats you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean heart condition jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make heart beats pranks.
An old romanian joke that my grandfather keeps telling .
During the communist era in Romania the Security (secret police) was like the heart of the country.
They were just beating, and beating and beating.
John was at a party...
John was at a party, sitting alone. There were a lot of people, but his eyes were fixed on a perticular girl. She was absolutely stunning, dancing freely, laughing and chatting with others.
Suddenly, the girl turned her head towards John, and a smile appeared on her lips. As she started to walk towards John, his heart started beating faster.
The girl was now in front of John, and with the sweetest voice ever, she asked, "Do you wanna' dance?"
John was speechless, he couldn't believe his ears. He somehow managed to say, "Y...ya"
"Well then get out of that chair, I need to sit down"
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Did you know? There is a species of frog in Alaska
There is a species of frog in Alaska that freezes during the winter and while frozen, the frog stops breathing, its heart stops beating, its palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there's v**... on its sweater already, mom's spaghetti.
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An elderly man had a massive s**... and his family drove him to the hospital.
After a while, the doctor appeared wearing a long face.
Doctor: I'm afraid Grandpa is brain-dead, but his heart is still beating.
"Oh dear God," cried his wife, we've never had a liberal in the family before!"
My father told me that whenever I find myself having trouble with my partner I should stop and listen to my heart.
My heart says, "BEAT BEAT BEAT!"
^^^For ^^^real ^^^though, ^^^don't ^^^beat ^^^your ^^^lovers.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
After my grandfather recovered from his second heart attack at 64, he went to the doctor.
The doctor told him - "It's safe for you to resume normal s**... activity."
Without skipping a beat my grandfather replied - "Oh thank god, I was getting sore from the wife's k**... stuff."
Heart jokes
What did one human heart say to the other? I got a heart on
What did one Jamaican heart say to the other? That's a nice beat mon
What is the human hearts favorite kind of shirt? A wife beater
What did the coach say at Heart University? Come on guys let's get pumped
What did the police officer say to the human heart? You're under cardiac arrest
What did the heart say after he was assaulted? Man I sure took a beating
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
After realizing i had become totally addicted to m**...
I decided to follow my heart instead of my brain
now i beat 72 times a minute
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Leatherface gets a bad rap but deep down he is a true romantic trying to help others.
He's just trying to Stihl their beating hearts.
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At an international medical conference:
A British doctor brags to colleagues: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we removed a man's backbone, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he was looking for work."
The German surgeon replies; In Germany we removed a section of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he too is looking for work."
The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we took a beating heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he started a new job."
The American doctor sighs, saying; "You are all still behind us. A few months ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no backbone and he got a job overnight, as our President."
-Maura Obrien from Quora
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Trumpcare
A British doctor brags to colleagues: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we removed a man's backbone, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he was looking for work."
The German surgeon replies; In Germany we removed a section of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he too is looking for work."
The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we took a beating heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he started a new job."
The American doctor sighs, saying; "You are all still behind us. A few months ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no backbone and he got a job overnight, as our President."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Texan, a Californian and a Seattlite were all drinking in a bar.
After a while, the Texan grabbed a bottle of tequila, threw it in the air and shot it into a thousand pieces. "Don't you boys worry about it," said the Texan, "we have plenty of tequila deep in the heart of Texas."
The Californian, not wanting to be outdone, selected a bottle of fine wine, tossed it up, and shot it into smitherines. "Hey, don't sweat it dudes," chirped the Californian, "There's zillions of bottles of wine in Cali."
The Seattlite, following suit, guzzled down a bottle of micro-brewed beer, chucked it towards the rafters, shot the Californian, and (without missing a beat) pulled out his hand and caught the beer bottle. Everyone in the bar stood frozen in shock.
"Relax," said the Seattlite c**..., "Up in Seattle, there's a freakin' s**... of Californians. No big deal."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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A woman was in a coma,
and she had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath.
One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was a small, recognisable movement.
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little o**... s**... will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."
The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that with the curtains closed for privacy, and his co-operation it might just work. He finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
A few minutes passed and then the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart beat, alarms ringing, the nurses burst into the room. "What happened?" they cried.
The husband said, "I'm not sure, maybe she choked".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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A woman is sick and tired of having bad relationships...
She's had the worst of the worst. Men who would run out on her, beat her, and men who were downright terrible on bed. In an attempt to better future relationships she decided to give online dating a try.
She filled out her profile and specified she was looking for a good hearted man who would never leave or a**... her who was also an efficient lover. It wasn't long after she had posted her profile that she was getting replies. She met with a few of them, but none of them felt like they truly met her requirements.
She was about to give up hope when she had a knock at her door. She opened it to find a man with no arms, and no legs there waiting.
"i'm here about your dating ad," he said.
The woman, who could barely believe what was in front of her replied, "you've got to be kidding me!"
Before she could slam the door the man interjected, "before you turn me away, hear me out. I've got no legs so I couldn't possibly run out on you and I've got no arms so I couldn't possibly hit you."
Still not convinced the woman asked, "oh? And how are you in bed with no arms or legs?"
"honey, how do you think I knocked in the door?"