Hearing Test Jokes
50 hearing test jokes and hilarious hearing test puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about hearing test that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Hearing Test Short Jokes
Short hearing test jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The hearing test humour may include short hearing problem jokes also.
- Did you hear about the Pepsi delivery drivers who were fired? They tested positive for coke.
- Did you hear Stephen Miller's wife tested positive for COVID? It turns out swallowing vampire is as dangerous as eating bat.
- [OC] Did you hear about that new Anatomically Correct Elmo doll they're working on? Before they sell it to the kids, they're gonna give it two test tickles.
- Did you hear about the doctor who was studying ways of making people laugh? He was known for his test tickles.
- I hear they're using lawyers in laboratory testing instead of rats.. apparently you don't get that attached to them as you do with the rats.
- You hear about the kid that threw his biology test in the trash, yet still managed to pass? Turns out, it was bio-D-gradable.
- Airpods are linked to causing AIDS Multiple reports verified hearing AIDS among test subjects. I'll see myself out.
- I did a Fire Marshall course at work today Got one of test questions wrong, apparently the steps you take when hearing the fire alarm aren't great big ones.......
- Did you hear about the changes that are being made to the SAT? They should rename the test from "SAT" to just "T" since they're dropping the essay.
- I invented a new ap, it listens to people talking and if it hears an obscenity it makes a loud tone so no one can hear it. Everyone who beta tested it said it's " fu [BEEP]in annoying. "
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Hearing Test One Liners
Which hearing test one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with hearing test? I can suggest the ones about hearing and hearing loss.
- How much does it cost to get a hearing test from a pirate? A bucaneer!
- Didja hear dogs are being trained to smell the virus? That will be an enjoyable Lab test.
- How do you test if two Central Europeans can hear you? Czech 1, Chez 2
Hearing Test Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about hearing test you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean hearing related jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make hearing test pranks.
A man is talking to the family doctor, "Doc, I think my wife’s going deaf.
"
The doctor answers, "Well, here’s something you can try on her to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn’t answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers. Then you’ll be able to tell just how hard of hearing she really is."
The man goes home and tries it out.
He walks in the door and says, "Honey, what’s for dinner?"
He doesn’t hear an answer, so he moves closer to her.
"Honey, what’s for dinner?"
Still no answer.
He repeats this several times, until he’s standing just a few feet away from her.
Finally, she answers,
"For the eleventh time, I said we’re having MEATLOAF!"
So a guy goes to his doctor...
...and the doctor says I'm glad to see you because your tests came back. Unfortunately, I have some bad news and some really bad news. Which one would you like to hear first?
The man, taken aback, asks the doctor to tell him the bad news first.
"Well, I'm sorry to tell you but you only have two days left to live."
"Oh my God doctor. If that's the bad news what's the really bad news?"
"I forgot to call you yesterday."
A Test For Heaven
There was a man who was only killing lawyers in a big city, and all day St. Peter was hearing excuses from them about why they HAD to do the things they did. He was sick of it.
Then, another lawyer showed up at the gates, and St. Peter did not want to deal with hearing his excuses, so he told him, "Heaven is starting to get a little crowded today, so there is now going to be a test to see if you can get in. I'll ask one question, get it right and your in."
After he finished telling the lawyer, St. Peter saw that a cop and a priest were at the gates as well and they heard everything. Knowing that he couldn't just give the test to the lawyer now that they all heard it, he thinks and finally says it's time to star the test.
First he asks the priest, "What early 20th century ship met its demise by hitting an ice berg during its maiden voyage?" The priest says, "The Titanic" and St. Peter lets him into Heaven.
Then, he goes to the cop and asks, "How many people died during the demise of the Titanic?" The cop thinks for a second before replying, "around 2000," and St. Peter says, "close enough," before letting him in.
Finally he goes to the lawyer and says, "name them."
The Longest Memory in the World
One day, a young man takes a trip out West and comes across a little Native American village. He decides, what the heck, he'll stop and look around. One of the Native women, seeing that he's not from around, tells the man he should visit the Chief, who she says has the longest and best memory in the world. So the man decides to go visit the Chief and asks: "So I hear you have the greatest memory in the world." The Chief answers "I do. I can remember every single detail of my entire life." The man figures he should test this, and asks the Chief "What did you have for breakfast on April the 27th, 1959?" After stopping to think for a second, the chief answers "two eggs." Satisfied, the man says goodbye to the Chief and eventually leaves the village.
Twenty years later, the man takes another trip out West and comes across the same village. He's amazed when he notices the Chief, still alive after all these years. The man, stops and says hello, so he raises his hand and says, "How" and the Chief replies "fried."
A right-wing law firm is trying to overturn Roe v Wade.
They find their test plaintiff, a man whose daughter had gotten an abortion after he forbade it. The firm sues the doctors, and the appeals go all the way to the Supreme Court, exactly as intended. The Court even agrees to hear the case ... only to uphold Roe v Wade, 5 - 4.
All in all, it was a classic case of abort, retry, fail.
An old man doesn't feel well...
So he and his wife go to the doctors office. When they meet with the doctor he says "We need to do a full workup and run some tests. I'm going to need a u**... sample, a stool sample and a s**... sample". The old man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and says "eh?". His wife just rolls her eyes and says "Frank, just give him your underwear!"
Hearing concerns
A man tells his doctor that he's concerned about his wife's hearing. The doctor tells him that there's an easy test for this: stand far away from her and ask her a question and keep getting closer until she hears him.
So the man goes home and sees his wife cooking dinner. He asks, "What's for dinner, honey?" There's no reply so he moves forward and asks, "What's for dinner, honey?" Again, he hears nothing and moves forward, "What's for dinner honey?"
She shouts, "For the third time, spaghetti!"
Bob goes to the doctor...
Bob goes to the doctor for tests and is
diagnosed with an extremely rare illness that
can only be cured if he drinks a quantity of
fresh mother's milk. When he gets home, he asks his mother, but she just tells him not to be daft. Then his mother tells him that the girl upstairs has just given birth and the husband is away at sea, so he should go up and ask her nicely. The girl is just about to go to bed when Bob arrives, but she agrees to his request and, with a mischievous smile, invites him through to the bedroom. "You can't get it any fresher," she says, presenting her left breast to his lips. Bob feels a bit awkward, but he is only following doctor's orders after all. As he slurps at his medication, he hears a few soft moans and sighs. She gently pulls his head away from her breast, looks at him and murmurs, "Is there anything else I could offer you?" Overwhelmed by her generosity, he wipes his lips and says, . . . . . . . "Well, a biscuit would be very nice."
Which tire was flat?
Two students decide to go skiing for the weekend, and are having such a good time they decide to blow off the (calculus, I believe) exam that they have scheduled for Monday morning in order to get some final runs in before they head back to school. They decide to tell the prof that they got a flat tire and therefore deserve to take the exam at a rescheduled time.
Hearing the story, said professor agrees that it really was just bad luck, and of course they can take the exam later. At the appointed time, the prof greets them and places them in two separate rooms to take the exam.
The few questions on the first page are worth a minor 10% of the overall grade, and are quite easy. Each student grows progressively confident as they take the test, sure that they have gotten away with fooling the professor. However, when they turn to the second page they discover that they really haven't.
The only question on the page, worth 90% of the exam, reads: "Which tire was flat?"
An elderly couple go to the doctor......
for the husbands annual physical. The husband is hard of hearing and he and the wife sit at the doctors desk after his exam. The doctor starts talking and tells the husband he is ordering some tests, and he'll need to provide a u**... sample, a stool sample, and a blood sample.
The husband looks over to his wife and asks: "what did he just say?" The wife replies "give him your underwear".
The FBI and the Blonde
The year is 2001, and it's post-9/11. The United States is devastated for the tragic event that happened in their country and wants to increase their security. In result, the FBI agrees with recruiting agents in the general public.
A blonde hears about this and signs up for FBI. She enters the room and their is a man in a black suit sitting on one side of the table. The blonde sits down. The FBI agent says:
"In this test, you be given a picture of a man. I will show you this for 5 seconds and you must describe everything that you remember of this man."
The agent pulls out a picture. It's a picture of the side of a man's face. He puts the picture down.
"What do you remember?" said the FBI agent
"Well... that man had one eye!" said the blonde
"No no no!" the FBI agent yelled frustrated. "Lets try this again.
The FBI agent pulls out the SAME picture of the man. Then puts it away.
"Now what do you remember?" he said.
The blonde thought for a while then said.
"Um... that man had one ear!"
"No no no! Wrong! I'll give you one last try"
The FBI agent pulls out the SAME picture of the man again.
"NOW what did you see?" said the FBI agent
"Um... That man wears contacts!" said the blonde.
"Uh.. What?"
The FBI agent pulled out a piece of paper and examined it for 10 minutes.
"Wow! He does wear contacts! I never knew that! How did you know?"
"Well with one eye and one ear, you can't wear glasses, duh!"
The Spy Test
Three candidates for being a spy are given the final test. Each one is given a gun and taken to a house with orders to kill whoever is in there. Unbeknownst to the candidates, at that house is each candidate's wife and the gun is filled with blanks.
The first candidate goes in and the spy masters wait outside listening. There is silence and moments later the candidate exits and apologizes, having not fired the gun, saying he couldn't do it. They thank him but inform him he has failed.
The second candidate goes in and the spy masters wait outside listening. There is silence and moments later the candidate exits and apologizes, having not fired the gun, saying he couldn't do it. They thank him but inform him he has failed.
The third candidate goes in and the spy masters wait outside listening. Moments later, they hear shots fired. Pleased with themselves they wait for him to exit. They sit and wait and after a while he finally exits. They congratulate him on passing the test.
One asks "So what took you so long after you shot at your wife?"
"Well the gun didn't work. So I had to strangle her and that took a little while."
So an elderly woman thinks her husband is starting to go deaf...
The woman decides to test her theory. She stands about 30 feet way and calls to her husband:
"Oh Harry!"
She gets no response. She then stands 20 feet away and calls out to him again:
"Oh Harry!"
She is surprised that he STILL doesn't hear her call so she tries again, this time from 10 feet away:
"Oh Harry!"
Harry exclaims: "For the 3rd time Bertha! What do you want!?"
Two students go skiing..
Two students decide to go skiing for the weekend, and are having such a good time they decide to blow off the (calculus, I believe) exam that they have scheduled for Monday morning in order to get some final runs in before they head back to school. They decide to tell the prof that they got a flat tire and therefore deserve to take the exam at a rescheduled time.
Hearing the story, said professor agrees that it really was just bad luck, and of course they can take the exam later. At the appointed time, the prof greets them and places them in two separate rooms to take the exam.
The few questions on the first page are worth a minor 10% of the overall grade, and are quite easy. Each student grows progressively confident as they take the test, sure that they have gotten away with fooling the professor. However, when they turn to the second page they discover that they really haven't.
The only question on the page, worth 90% of the exam, reads: "Which tire was flat?"
An English man, a Welsh man and an Irish man sign up for the SAS...
An English man, a Welsh man and an Irish man sign up for the SAS. The commander decides to put them to the test to see if they have what it takes.
He gives the English man a gun and says 'through that door is your wife, kill her.' The English man looks appalled and says 'I can't do that I love her and we have two children'
He gives the gun to the Welsh man and says 'through that door is your wife, kill her.' The Welsh man walks through the door but walks out immediately 'I can't kill my wife, I love her and we have 3 children.'
The commander gives the gun to the Irish man and says 'through that door is your wife, kill her.' The Irish man walks through the door and the commander hears three shots fired and then a lot of grunting and groaning.
The Irish man comes out of the room and the commander says 'what happened?' The Irish man replied 'Well commander the gun was full of blanks so I had to strangle her."
Old man's wife has hearing problems
An old man goes to his doctor.
Old man: Hey Doc, my wife's hearing is becoming terrible, is there anything you can give me to help her out?
Doc: Well, how bad is it?
Old Man: We rarely talk any more, Doc, and I love her more than anything.
Doc: Try the distance test. When you get home, Call her name and if she doesn't hear you, get closer and closer until she does. This will give me a good sense of how bad her hearing actually is.
Old Man: Okay, thanks Doc. See you soon.
So, the Old Man goes home, opens his front door and shouts "EDNA?! WHAT'S FOR DINNER?!"
Nothing.
He walks through his hall and once more shouts "EDNA?! WHAT'S FOR DINNER?!"
Nothing.
He walks to the door to his kitchen and sees his dearest wife over the oven cooking dinner. "EDNA?! WHAT'S FOR DINNER?!"
Nothing.
Frustrated, the Old Man walks right up to his wife and shouts in her ear "EDNA?! WHAT'S FOR DINNER?!".
"FOR THE FOURTH TIME, CHICKEN!"
A guy goes to the doctor with a sore leg....
The doctor runs the normal tests and takes some x-rays. Unable to find the problem he finally decides to listen to the leg with his stethoscope, at the knee he hears "hey give me $5" at the calf he hears "hey give me $10" at the ankle he hears "hey give me$15". He takes off the stethoscope, looks up the patient and says " I have some bad news, your leg is broke in three places"
pair of your underwear
A doctor tells an old couple at his office he needs to get a stool sample, a u**... sample, and a blood test from the old man.
Hard of hearing, the old man asks his wife what the doctor said.
The wife replies, "He needs a pair of your underwear."
Black t**...
An older man is in the hospital. A nurse walks in and he asks, "Are my t**... black?" The nurse, taken by surprise replies, "I'm sorry?" So he asks again "Are my t**... black?" Nurse shakes her head but decides to check for him, after all she is a nurse. She lifts his robe, takes his t**... in hand, lifts and inspect them. She lowers his robe, raises back up to him and says " Mr. Johnson, you'll be happy to hear your t**... aren't black." He looks at her, removing his oxygen mask and says, "That's great and all but are my test results back?"
I hear Donald Trump wants every welfare recipient to take a drug test...
I don't even what to know what he's planning to do with all those u**... samples.
I think my wife's going deaf," Joe told their doctor.
"Try to test her hearing at home and let me know how severe her problem is before you bring her in for treatment," the doctor said.
So that evening, when his wife was preparing dinner, Joe stood 15 feet behind her and said, "What's for dinner, honey?"
No response.
He moved to ten feet behind her and asked again.
No response.
Then he stood five feet in back of her and tried again but still got no answer. Finally, he stood directly behind her and asked, "Honey, what's for supper?"
She turned around. "For the fourth time—I said chicken!"
An old man goes to the doctor to complain about his problem gas.
"It's non-stop," the man tells his doctor. "I just have this *constant* stream of silent gas pouring out of me. It might shock you to know that it's even been happening since I came into your office."
"OK," replies the doctor. "The first thing I'm going to recommend is a hearing test."
A man goes to the doctors to find a cure for his lack of hearing
The doctor prescribed a hearing apparatus, and scheduled him in for surgery in December.
After the surgery was complete, the man asked the doctor if everything went well. The doctor responded, "everything is fine sir. We've run our tests and you're ready to be discharged. Merry Christmas, and a happy new ear.
p**... was at the doctor's office the other day..
He said to the doctor "Doc, I'm half deaf all of a sudden. I'm having trouble hearing."
The doctor replied "Right, we'll test if you're half deaf or not. Go out and stand in the room at the end of the hall and I'll shout a number and if you can hear it, shout it back."
p**... walked out and into the room.
The doctor shouted "88!"
p**... replied "44!"
Paul and two other men want to be nuns, but to prove they really all have no s**... desires, they are put in a room n**... and bells are placed on the end of their p**......
The most beautiful girl is then brought into the room, completely n**... and the test begins.
This goes on for 10 minutes with no reaction from Paul but then the girl comes very close and Paul's bell rings,
Completely embarrassed Paul bends over to pull up his pants as he is doing that he hears the light jingle of two bells behind him...
Three Homemade Jokes (Puns) ENJOY
Two worms are going through a pantry. They go through some apples, pears, and other things. After a while, they get STUCK, in something hard and green. One says to the other, "Man, we really got ourselves into a pickle."
An archaeologist is going through an underground cave and comes across a woman, frozen, and preserved in time. He instantly fell in love with her. However, after a while of trying the relationship, he realized it wouldn't work out. He just couldn't break the ice.
Did you hear about the boy who ate his exam? Three hours later and he still hadn't passed his test.
The other day I went to get my eyes tested.
I am quite an anxious person and thought I would try to crack a joke to break the awkward silence.
'Would you like to hear a joke?' I asked
The optometrist replied 'Sure! The cornea the better.'
A man goes to his doctor for an annual checkup
"Doc, I feel great, my headaches are gone, my hearing is better and I can finally stand uo straight."
"That's good to hear, here your test results say that your body has miraculously improved. For a 50 year old man like you, you have the physical abilities of a 30 year old."
"Thanks doc."
"Tell me, how did you make such a recovery."
"My wife's been giving me the silent treatment for a month"
My doctor gave me my test results
Looks like all those years of phone s**... finally caught up with me.
Now I have hearing AIDS.
A soldier was having a psychiatric test prior to discharge.
The psychiatrist asked, "Tell me, Private, what would happen if I cut off one of your ears?"
"It would be hard to hear", replied the soldier.
"Good", said the psychiatrist. "What would happen If I cut off your other ear?"
"I wouldn't be able to see."
"That's interesting , why do you say that?"
"Because my cap would fall over my eyes."
Three men apply for a spy position
Three men apply for a spy position.
Its the final test
Interviewer: "I have your SO in this room. Your mission is to kill them. Here's a gun."
First candidate: " You can't be serious?"
Interviewer: " Then this job is not for you."
Second candidate comes out 5 minutes later: "I can't do this."
Interviewer hears shots fired, screaming and b**... in the last room.
Last candidate: "The gun just had blanks. I had to beat her with the chair."
An elderly man suspected his wife was losing her hearing
So he decided to test his suspicions. He stood about 20 feet behind her and asked, Can you hear me, my love? But she didn't respond.
So he got about 10 feet away from her and asked her again, Can you hear me, sweetie?
When she didn't say anything, he got up to 5 feet from her and asked her again, Dear, can you hear me?
She still didn't say anything so finally he crept up right behind her and said in her ear, Do you hear me?!
His wife irritably turns to him and says, For the fourth time now, yes! I can hear you!
So two men are in coffins, one of them hears a sound, so he says to the other: are you coffin in there?
Fun fact: this is how they tested if my laughing gas was working at the dentist. I laughed my but off so they knew it was working.
And elderly man suspected his wife was losing her hearing.
To test this, he snuck up about 20 feet behind her and said in a normal voice can you hear me, honey? No response. He walked to 15 feet away: can you hear me now? Still no answer. He moved to ten feet away and asked, and then to five feet away, still with no answer. Finally he came up right behind her and said in her ear honey, can you hear me now?
Yes! She replied in frustration. For the fifth time, I can hear you!