Hearing Jokes

Following is our collection of sinuses puns and things you will never hear a man say one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Hearing jokes for adults, dirty ear jokes and clean aural dad gags for kids.

The Best Hearing Puns

A little girl runs up to her mother and says "mummy, daddy hanged himself in the basement!"

Upon hearing the news the mother breaks down in tears and, shakily, makes her way into the basement.

When they get there, the woman cannot see the father's corpse.
The little girl then exclaims "April fools! Daddy did it in the garage"

At the parole hearing, the officer asked, "Tell me, why should you be released early?" The inmate responded, "It's bec..."

Officer: Yes?

Inmate: I think I have..

Officer: Go on.

Inmate: Can I Please finish my sentence?

Officer: Sure. Parole denied.

[At a parole hearing] Officer: Tell me, why should you be released early?

Inmate: It's bec..

Officer: Yes?

Inmate: I think I have..

Officer: Go on.

Inmate: Can I Please finish my sentence?

Officer: Sure. Parole denied.

Hearing joke, [At a parole hearing] Officer: Tell me, why should you be released early?

An elderly couple is in church. The wife says to the husband, "I've let out one of those silent farts, what do I do?"

The husband says, "Change the battery in your hearing aid."

A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses' wife instead: "I'm afraid he died last week," she explains.

The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss. "I told you," the wife replies, "he died last week." The day after he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss. By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts: "I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?"

"Cos" He replies laughing, "I just love hearing it..."


A politicians promise

A politician visited a village and asked what their needs were.

We have 2 basic needs sir, replied the villager.

Firstly, we have a hospital, but there's no doctor.

On hearing this, politician whipped out his cellphone, and after speaking for a while he reassured the village leader that the doctor would be there the next day. He then asked about the second problem.

Secondly sir, there is no cellphone coverage anywhere in this village.

"Silent farts that don't stink..."

An old woman visits the doctor for a routine check-up.


"Doctor, I have constant gas, but the farts are always silent and they don't stink!"


The doctor prescribes her some pills and sends her on her way.


Two weeks later she returns for a follow-up.


"Doctor, I still have constant silent farts, but now they stink!"


Doctor replies, "Alright, so we have cleared out those sinuses, now for your hearing..."

Hearing joke, "Silent farts that don't stink..."

A redneck finds out his girlfriend is a virgin...

A redneck finds out his girlfriend is a virgin. Upon hearing this, he stands up, turns away from her, and leaves without a word.

Later, when his buddies at the bar ask what went wrong, he explains...

"If she ain't good enough for her daddy, her uncle, her brother, and her cousin, she ain't good enough for me!!"

I went to the doctors with hearing problems...

He said "Can you describe the symptoms?"
So I replied "Homers fat, and Marge has blue hair"

An elderly couple are at the cinema...

About halfway through the film, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'


He replies, 'You should put a new battery in your hearing aid.'

All my years of phone sex finally caught up with me

I have hearing aids


Yet another redneck finds out his girlfriend is a virgin...

A redneck finds out his girlfriend is a virgin. Upon hearing this, he stands up, turns away from her, and leaves without a word.

Later, when his buddies see him sad at the bar they ask what went wrong, he explains...

"My mom just told me I'm adopted"

An Elderly Couple

An elderly couple Pauline & Frank were recently attending a church service at their retirement village.

About halfway through the service, Pauline took a pen and paper out of her purse, and wrote a note and handed it to Frank.

The note said:" I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?"

Frank scribbled back: "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

A boy is loudly praying, "God please give me a bicycle."

His mom asks, "why are you praying so loudly? God isn't hard of hearing."
The boy replies, "yes but grandma is."

All those years of phone sex has caught up with me...

I now have hearing aids

An old couple is sitting in church

The wife turns to the husband and says, "I just let out a silent fart. What should I do."

"Put new batteries in your hearing aids."

Hearing joke, An old couple is sitting in church

Bringing her home to meet mother

I told my new girlfriend that my mother was very hard of hearing and that she should speak loud and slow. I told my mother that my girlfriend was mentally challenged and to please be polite.
I'm looking forward to Christmas dinner.

I told my psychiatrist that I've been hearing voices in my head.

He told me that I don't have a psychiatrist.

A little boy was doing his math homework and practicing out loud, Two plus six, that son of a bitch is eight...

Three plus seven, that son of a bitch is ten."

Hearing what he was saying, his mother asked him what he was doing. He answered that he was doing his math homework.

"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" she asked her son to which he replied yes.

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher what she is teaching in math class. The teacher said, "Right now, we are learning addition."

The mother asked if she was teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four.

Laughing, the teacher replied, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."


At the parole hearing, the officer asked, "Tell me, why should you be released early?"

Inmate: it's bec..

Officer: Yes?

Inmate: I think i have..

Officer: Go on.

Inmate: Can i please finish my sentence?

Officer: Sure. Parole denied.

Cole's Law

"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"

"Yeah."

"What is it?"

"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."

"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"

"No, what is it?"

"Thinly sliced cabbage."

(I remember hearing this from my dad, and to this day it makes me giggle like an idiot.)

The Silent Fart

An old couple were sitting in Church and the wife noticed that people were staring at her.

She leaned across to her husband and whispered, "I've just let go a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"

He said, "I think you should get fresh batteries for your hearing aid."

A husband asks his wife...

Husband: Darling, if I lost my vision would you be my eyes?

Wife: Honey, of course I would.

Husband: If I lost my hearing would you be my ears?

Wife: Absolutely sweetheart.

Husband: If I lost my legs would you push me around in a wheelchair?

Wife: You don't need to ask. Why all the questions?

Husband: I just sprained my wrist...

I tried phone sex today

I ended up with hearing aids

A woman walks into a dry cleaner...

and says "I've got another dress for you"
The man behind the counter, whose a little hard of hearing, reply "come again?"
The woman responds with "No this time its mustard"

An elderly man thinks his wife is losing her hearing so he calls their doctor.

The doctor tells him "We need to figure out how bad her hearing is. Using a normal tone, talk to her at various distances until she can hear you."

That night the man decides to try this. He estimates he is sitting about 30 feet from his wife and asks her, "What's for dinner?"

He hears nothing so he moves a little closer; about 20 feet away. He asks her again, "What's for dinner?" Still nothing.

Finally, he gets right next to her and asks, "What's for dinner?"

She finally hears him and responds "For the third time, chicken!"

If a deaf person goes to court

Is it still a hearing?

At the hearings, Kavanaugh was asked how he would prefer to cross a waist deep river, in a rowboat or simply walk across it

He said he doesn't want to give an opinion on Row Vs. Wade

George W. Bush was sitting in the Oval Office when...

...his secretary walks in with a phone in his hand.

He says, "Three Brazilian soldiers were killed today in Iraq."

Upon hearing this The President says, "Oh my God!" and he buries his head in his hands.

The entire Cabinet was stunned. Usually George Bush showed no reaction whatsoever to these types of reports.

Just then, Bush looked up and said, "How many is a Brazilian??"

Donald Trump, Queen Elizabeth II and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.

Satan decides to let each of them to call their own countries, but at a cost. Queen Elizabeth speaks to the U.K Government for 30 minutes and pays 1 million dollars. Vladimir Putin speaks with the Russian Government for an hour and pays 2 million dollars. Donald Trump speaks with the American Government for 2 hours and only pays 300 dollars.

Upon hearing this, Putin went ballistic and demanded that Satan tell him why Donald had to pay so less but get to talk more. Satan answered simply, "Ever since Donald Trump became U.S President, he has turned America into a hell-hole, so it's a local call."

An elderly couple sits in church

The old lady leans over and whispers, "I just let out a really big silent fart, what should I do? "
The old man says, "you should replace the batteries in your hearing aid. "

Old couple in church...

An old couple is sitting in church one morning, listening to a sermon, when the wife whispers, "I just let out a silent fart. What should I do?"

Her husband whispers back, "Well, for starters, you can put a new battery in your hearing aid."

What's the hardest part about hearing your sister has AIDS?

Acting surprised

So my friend had some issue with his hearing....

My friend was having some issues with his hearing, so he booked a doctor's appointment. The doctor checked him over and had a look in his ears. The doctor said "okay. So, describe the symptoms". My friend said "well, there's homer. He's the dad. And there's Marge, she's got big blue hair..."

Lindsay Lohan got her blouse dirty...

..and had to take it to the dry cleaners. She says "I need to get this cleaned" to the man behind the counter. The man who was hard of hearing replies "come again?", Lindsay responds "No, mustard".

After hearing Kim and Kanye are having a kid via in vitro fertilization...

Of course Kanye picked the option where he could have sex with himself and still have a kid.

A lady walks into a dry cleaners...

...she's carrying a beautiful black dress. She tells the clerk, "I'll need to pick this up tomorrow."

The clerk, hard of hearing and distracted, innocently asks, "come again?"

Unfazed, she replies, "No. Vanilla ice cream this time."

My dad bought himself a new hearing aid.

"It's state of the art," he boasted. "Cost me a fortune."

"Awesome," I replied. "What kind is it?"

"Two-thirty."

A group of deaf people get together to protest

The group begins chanting

What do we want?

Hearing aids!

When do we want them?

Hearing aids!

A young woman walks into a dry cleaner

She asks the elderly owner inspecting her blouse how long it would take to clean.
Hard of hearing the man asks, "come again?"

She responds, "No, it's yogurt"

A politician visited a village in India..

A politician visited an Indian village and asked what their needs were.
We have 2 basic needs sir, replied the villager.
Firstly, we have a hospital, but there's no doctor.

On hearing this, the politician whipped out his cellphone, and after speaking for a while he reassured the village leader that the doctor would be there the next day. He then asked about the second problem.

Secondly sir, there is no cellphone coverage anywhere in the village.

Dry Cleaning

Monica Lewinsky walks into her dry cleaning store and tells the guy, "I've got another dress for you to clean."

Slightly hard of hearing, the clerk replies, "Come again?"

"No," says Monica. "Mustard this time."

I had unprotected phone sex once...

Now I have hearing aids.

Dry cleaners.

A hot blond walks into a Dry cleaners. She tells the teller "I need to get a stain removed from my sweater. The teller being a little hard of hearing asks "Come again?" To which she replied " No, its mustard."

Doctor... there's something wrong with my hearing!

Describe the symptoms....

Uh...Well Marge has blue hair....homer is fat...

Does anyone know any good Groundhog Day jokes?

Because I keep hearing the same ones over and over

The hard of hearing stoner...

got really disappointed when he finally arrived at his uncle's wheat farm.

I went to the psychiatrist today

I told him that I have started hearing voices.

He told me that I don't have a psychiatrist.

I told my therapist I keep hearing voices in my head.

She told me I don't have a therapist.

Harry Potter woke up in a hospital.

A little confused he asked "where am I?"

Doctor: "why you were in a coma and just awoke in this fine hospital"

"Why am I in a muggle Hospital?" he mumbled to himself

slightly hearing him the doctor spoke " Son, Take it easy, you ran face first into a wall and have been in a coma for 8 years"

my grandma talking to my dad about her new hearing aid

"it's the most expensive one u can buy, it cost me $4,000.

my dad: "what kind is it?"

my grandma: "it's 4:15pm"

"What do we want?"

"HEARING AIDS!"

"When do we want them?"

"HEARING AIDS!"

Army commando recruitment - from India

A Man was being interviewed for the post of a Commando in Army.

Interviewer: "We want a person with a suspicious mind; always alert, merciless; ready to attack; high sense of hearing & most importantly; having a killer instinct. So Do you think you are eligible?"

Man: "No Sir; but can my Wife apply?"

An elderly couple are sitting in a church

The man lets out a silent fart while the priest is talking.

He then says to his wife "I've let out a silent fart, everyone here will smell it. What do I do?"

His wife then says to him, "You get your hearing aids fixed"

Which STD is transmitted through sound?

Hearing aids

An American and a Russian were talking in a bar

The American began to boast about his country, claiming it's the land of the free.

"I could walk straight up to the White House and shout "Death to the American President" and nothing happens to me."

Hearing this the Russian smirked

"I too can walk up to the Kremlin and shout " Death to the American President", nothing bad happens to me either"

What do you get from having too much phone sex?

hearing AIDS

Johnny became a mailman after hearing how they always slept with women as part of the punchline of jokes. He figured he'd tell the jokes to mothers as he dropped of the mail and then sleep with them. He dropped off package after package and told joke after joke, but no mothers ever slept with him.

One day he asked a mother if he's been mislead by the jokes. Maybe mother's really never slept with the mailmen and the jokes were misleading.

The mother said, oh honey, it's not the jokes, it your delivery.

A man walked into a bar and sat down, ordered a beer and drank it

Suddenly he heard a voice...

"Nice tie." *Nobody was there except him and the bartender.*

"Really cool shirt, too." *He thought he must be losing his mind.*

"I like your hair that way."

He said to the bartender, "I keep hearing this voice."

"Those are the peanuts, sir. They're complimentary."

Soviet Breadline

At one of USSR's breadlines during the Perestroika, a man in the crowd is mumbling to himself. "No bread, no milk, no meat, what a shame".
Two policemen walking the beat hearing his mumbling walk up to him, and say:

"Comrade, if you said that 40 years ago you'd be shot, so just shut up and stand in line like everybody else"

As the policemen leave, the man turns back to the crowd and says:

"Not only we don't have bread or milk, but I was just told we ran out of bullets too."

If a blind couple breaks up...

would they start hearing other people?

Went to the doctor today and my many years of phone sex has finally caught up with me.

I have hearing AIDS now.

An elderly couple was sitting together in church...

The wife leans over to the husband and says "I just let out a really long and silent fart. What should I do?"
The husband replies "Change the battery in your hearing aid."

There is an abundance of earplugs jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 63 funniest jokes and hearing puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any commotion witze you can hear about hearing.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes