Hearing Jokes
160 hearing jokes and hilarious hearing puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about hearing that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Discover the funniest hearing jokes and make yourself the life of the party! Whether you have hearing loss, hearing related problems, or just love to listen, there's a joke here for you. Get ready to laugh with hearing aid and sinus related jokes, jokes about marge, and much more. Learn more now!
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Funniest Hearing Short Jokes
Short hearing jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The hearing humour may include short hears jokes also.
- What asian stereo type do you hear the most? Personally I've got a Sony surround sound system.
- Did you hear about the drummer who gave all his daughters the same name? Anna 1
Anna 2
Anna 3
Anna 4 - Did you hear about the mathematician who's afraid of negative number? He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.
- Did you hear about McDonald's trying to get into the high end steakhouse market? It was a Big Mcsteak
- Did you hear that NYC paid hillary clinton $2,000,000 as a consultant for New Years Eve? They wanted an expert on dropping the ball at the last second.
- An elderly couple is in church. The wife says to the husband, "I've let out one of those silent farts, what do I do?" The husband says, "Change the battery in your hearing aid."
- Some say that if you play Nickelback backwards you'll hear Satan. Even worse, if you play it forwards you'll hear nickelback.
- I took an epileptic girl to a rave I jokingly told her, "I hear this place has rave reviews", but she just rolled her eyes at me.
- Did you hear what NASA's new slogan will be once their budget is cut? "NASA: The Sky's The Limit"
- "Jesus loves you" is a wonderful thing to hear in church. But a horrible thing to hear in a mexican prison.
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Hearing One Liners
Which hearing one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with hearing? I can suggest the ones about deaf and sight.
- Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? I heard he made a mint.
- Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!
- Why can't you hear a pterodactyl pee? Because they're dead
- Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere
- Want to hear a joke about construction? Sorry, I'm still working on it.
- Did you hear about the Irishman who was impervious to bullets? His name was Rick O'Shea
- Did you ever hear about the Mexican train killer? He had locomotives
- Whats the worst thing to hear during open heart surgery? Anything
- Did you hear about what happened to the really offensive joke about cows? [remooved]
- Did you hear about the pessimist who hates sausage? They say he fears the wurst
- Did you hear about the gay French baker? Faguette
- Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because they are dead.
- Did you hear Jeff Bezos is buying Crunchyroll? He is renaming it to Amazon Weeb Services.
- Did you hear about the vegan transgender? He was a herbefore.
- Anyone need a job? I hear Malaysia Airlines is looking for people.
^im ^so ^sorry
Hearing Voices Jokes
Here is a list of funny hearing voices jokes and even better hearing voices puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I told my psychiatrist that I've been hearing voices in my head. He told me that I don't have a psychiatrist.
- My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough. Now he can hear the voices too.
- I was trying to convince my therapist that I don't hear voices in my head. Eventually she pointed out that I don't have a therapist.
- I told my therapist I keep hearing voices in my head. She told me I don't have a therapist.
- I went to the psychiatrist today I told him that I have started hearing voices.
He told me that I don't have a psychiatrist. - My doctor diagnosed me with schizophrenia and ADHD. Which means I hear voices but not for long enough to drive me insane.
- I hear voices telling me to do things I don't want to do "Take out the trash"
"Do the dishes"
"Clean the litter box"
Why did I get married? - My doctor diagnosed me with schizophrenia and ADHD. I hear voices, but not for long enough to drive me insane.
- I told my psychiatrist I was hearing voices. He told me I don't have a psychiatrist.
- If you hear a supernatural voice in your head telling you to destroy statues of the Ten Commandments, you might be mentally ill. But if the voice tells you to create them instead, you might be Moses.
Hearing Aids Jokes
Here is a list of funny hearing aids jokes and even better hearing aids puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What's the hardest part about hearing your sister has AIDS? Acting surprised
- My dad bought himself a new hearing aid. "It's state of the art," he boasted. "Cost me a fortune."
"Awesome," I replied. "What kind is it?"
"Two-thirty." - A group of deaf people get together to protest The group begins chanting
What do we want?
Hearing aids!
When do we want them?
Hearing aids! - My grandma got a new hearing aid. It was $5, she said.
What kind is it? I asked.
Ten-o-clock. - my grandma talking to my dad about her new hearing aid "it's the most expensive one u can buy, it cost me $4,000.
my dad: "what kind is it?"
my grandma: "it's 4:15pm" - "What do we want?" "HEARING AIDS!"
"When do we want them?"
"HEARING AIDS!" - Which STD is transmitted through sound? Hearing aids
- The hearing-aid A man is dining in a restaurant and speaks to a waiter.
Man: Excuse me sir, I found a hearing-aid on my plate.
Waiter: What? - I sent my hearing aids in for repairs three weeks ago I haven't heard anything since
- Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears? So she wouldn't get hearing aids.
Hard Of Hearing Jokes
Here is a list of funny hard of hearing jokes and even better hard of hearing puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What do you call a little boy made of pasta who comes to life? Pi-gnocchi-o
(I really wish you could hear how hard I'm laughing to myself) - A boy is loudly praying, "God please give me a bicycle." His mom asks, "why are you praying so loudly? God isn't hard of hearing."
The boy replies, "yes but grandma is." - Went to the doctor's today, he told me I was going deaf That news was hard for me to hear
- My doctor told me I am begining to lose my hearing. It was very hard to hear that.
- A young woman walks into a dry cleaner She asks the elderly owner inspecting her blouse how long it would take to clean.
Hard of hearing the man asks, "come again?"
She responds, "No, it's yogurt" - Did you know? If you put a hard hat up to your ear... ...you can hear the OSHA
- I hear cancer is hard to beat No one got past stage 4.
- Did you hear about the alligator who couldn't get a hard-on? He had a reptile dysfunction.
- Went to see my doctor today, he said I'm going deaf, That's hard to hear.
- Did you hear about the two mute people who were telling each other jokes? They laughed so hard they broke their fingers.
Hearing Problem Jokes
Here is a list of funny hearing problem jokes and even better hearing problem puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I went to the doctors with hearing problems... He said "Can you describe the symptoms?"
So I replied "Homers fat, and Marge has blue hair" - A man goes to the doctor Man: doctor I'm having problems with my hearing
Doc: can you describe the symptoms?
Man: marge has blue hair and homer is a fat guy - Gal Gadot's husband has a problem I hear he's been doing heroine...
- Apparently mime on mime violence is a real problem, you just don't hear about it.
- Guy goes to the doctor with hearing problems... Doctor: Can you describe the symptoms?
Guy: Yeah, Homers the fat one and Marge has big blue hair - Went to the doctors yesterday... ..I said: "doc, im having problems with my hearing"...."really? Can you describe the symptons?" he replied I said "yes, Marge has blue hair and Homers a fat bloke"
- The problem is I'm really tired... But I hear there's a nap for that.
- You close the fridge door and hear something fall inside... That, my friends, is the sound of someone else's problem.
- Did you hear about the problem at the Indian bread factory? Turns out it was a naan issue.
- Did anyone hear about that country who started using balloons as currency? They ended up with a massive inflation problem.
Hearing Aid Jokes
Here is a list of funny hearing aid jokes and even better hearing aid puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A group of hard of hearing people are protesting "What do we want?"
"Hearing aids!"
"When do we want it?"
"Hearing aids!" - Did you hear about the new Black Barbie? It comes with 12 kids, AIDS and a welfare check.
- A week ago I sent my hearing aid to be repaired... I haven't heard anything since.
- People think listening to a really great song and having an eargasm is great Thats until you get hearing aids
- Did you hear that David Copperfield has aids now? Yea, he was doing Magic.
- My new hearing aids are so good, they're restored my hearing fully - That's awesome, how long have you had them?
- About 200$ - When a cougar gets so old she needs a hearing aid... ... she becomes a Def Leppard
- Why does the grim reaper need a hearing aid? Because he's deaf.
- A grandma is bragging to her daughter about new hearing aid that cost her $2000 The daughter asks "What kind is it?"
"It's 5:45 dear" - Would the man who lost his hearing aid PLEASE come and retrieve it at the lost and found
Happy Hearing Jokes for a Lighthearted Night with Friends
What funny jokes about hearing you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean sound jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make hearing pranks.
[At a parole hearing] Officer: Tell me, why should you be released early?
Inmate: It's bec..
Officer: Yes?
Inmate: I think I have..
Officer: Go on.
Inmate: Can I Please finish my sentence?
Officer: Sure. Parole denied.
The Silent f**...
An old couple were sitting in Church and the wife noticed that people were staring at her.
She leaned across to her husband and whispered, "I've just let go a silent f**.... What do you think I should do?"
He said, "I think you should get fresh batteries for your hearing aid."
A Pakistani living in England (offensive)
A Pakistani who had recently moved to England had been feeling extremely ill for a week and so decided to visit the doctor. The doctor asked what was wrong with him and the Pakistani complained of a terrible headache and sickness. Upon hearing this the doctor told him to get a bucket at home and fill it with fish, human f**... and milk and leave it out in the sun for a couple of days before putting it next to his bed as he slept at night and taking it everywhere with him. Astounded, the Pakistani left and did what he was told despite being surprised that he should do such a thing.
Three days later the Pakistani returned to the doctor "It's a miracle!" he exclaimed"I got better overnight! How could have it worked?" to which the doctor replied "It was simple, you were homesick."
Dry Cleaning
Monica Lewinsky walks into her dry cleaning store and tells the guy, "I've got another dress for you to clean."
Slightly hard of hearing, the clerk replies, "Come again?"
"No," says Monica. "Mustard this time."
Dry cleaners.
A hot blond walks into a Dry cleaners. She tells the teller "I need to get a stain removed from my sweater. The teller being a little hard of hearing asks "Come again?" To which she replied " No, its mustard."
A man buys his wife a beautiful diamond ring for xmas.
After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles."
"She did," he replied. "But where was I going to find a fake Jeep?"
A woman walks into a dry cleaner...
and says "I've got another dress for you"
The man behind the counter, whose a little hard of hearing, reply "come again?"
The woman responds with "No this time its mustard"
An old man doesn't feel well...
So he and his wife go to the doctors office. When they meet with the doctor he says "We need to do a full workup and run some tests. I'm going to need a u**... sample, a stool sample and a s**... sample". The old man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and says "eh?". His wife just rolls her eyes and says "Frank, just give him your underwear!"
Old couple in church...
An old couple is sitting in church one morning, listening to a sermon, when the wife whispers, "I just let out a silent f**.... What should I do?"
Her husband whispers back, "Well, for starters, you can put a new battery in your hearing aid."
Sunday Morning s**...
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having s**... would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the d**...." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
Army commando recruitment - from India
A Man was being interviewed for the post of a Commando in Army.
Interviewer: "We want a person with a suspicious mind; always alert, merciless; ready to attack; high sense of hearing & most importantly; having a killer instinct. So Do you think you are eligible?"
Man: "No Sir; but can my Wife apply?"
An Elderly Couple
An elderly couple Pauline & Frank were recently attending a church service at their retirement village.
About halfway through the service, Pauline took a pen and paper out of her purse, and wrote a note and handed it to Frank.
The note said:" I just let out a silent f**..., what do you think I should do?"
Frank scribbled back: "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
Monica Lewinsky walks into a cleaners....
with a dress and yells at the old owner who is hard of hearing
"I need to dry clean my dress"
The owner cups his hand next to his ear
"come again"
"No it's ketchup this time"
George W. Bush was sitting in the Oval Office when...
...his secretary walks in with a phone in his hand.
He says, "Three Brazilian soldiers were killed today in Iraq."
Upon hearing this The President says, "Oh my God!" and he buries his head in his hands.
The entire Cabinet was stunned. Usually George Bush showed no reaction whatsoever to these types of reports.
Just then, Bush looked up and said, "How many is a Brazilian??"
Lindsay Lohan got her blouse dirty...
..and had to take it to the dry cleaners. She says "I need to get this cleaned" to the man behind the counter. The man who was hard of hearing replies "come again?", Lindsay responds "No, mustard".
An elderly couple was sitting together in church...
The wife leans over to the husband and says "I just let out a really long and silent f**.... What should I do?"
The husband replies "Change the battery in your hearing aid."
After hearing Kim and Kanye are having a kid via in vitro fertilization...
Of course Kanye picked the option where he could have s**... with himself and still have a kid.
An elderly couple sits in church
The old lady leans over and whispers, "I just let out a really big silent f**..., what should I do? "
The old man says, "you should replace the batteries in your hearing aid. "
A lady walks into a dry cleaners...
...she's carrying a beautiful black dress. She tells the clerk, "I'll need to pick this up tomorrow."
The clerk, hard of hearing and distracted, innocently asks, "come again?"
Unfazed, she replies, "No. Vanilla ice cream this time."
A husband asks his wife...
Husband: Darling, if I lost my vision would you be my eyes?
Wife: Honey, of course I would.
Husband: If I lost my hearing would you be my ears?
Wife: Absolutely sweetheart.
Husband: If I lost my legs would you push me around in a wheelchair?
Wife: You don't need to ask. Why all the questions?
Husband: I just sprained my wrist...
I had unprotected phone s**... once...
Now I have hearing aids.
I tried phone s**... today
I ended up with hearing aids
"Silent farts that don't stink..."
An old woman visits the doctor for a routine check-up.
"Doctor, I have constant gas, but the farts are always silent and they don't stink!"
The doctor prescribes her some pills and sends her on her way.
Two weeks later she returns for a follow-up.
"Doctor, I still have constant silent farts, but now they stink!"
Doctor replies, "Alright, so we have cleared out those sinuses, now for your hearing..."
So my friend had some issue with his hearing....
My friend was having some issues with his hearing, so he booked a doctor's appointment. The doctor checked him over and had a look in his ears. The doctor said "okay. So, describe the symptoms". My friend said "well, there's homer. He's the dad. And there's Marge, she's got big blue hair..."
A man walked into a bar and sat down, ordered a beer and drank it
Suddenly he heard a voice...
"Nice tie." *Nobody was there except him and the bartender.*
"Really cool shirt, too." *He thought he must be losing his mind.*
"I like your hair that way."
He said to the bartender, "I keep hearing this voice."
"Those are the peanuts, sir. They're complimentary."
An elderly couple are at the cinema...
About halfway through the film, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent f**...; what do you think I should do?'
He replies, 'You should put a new battery in your hearing aid.'
A r**... finds out his girlfriend is a v**......
A r**... finds out his girlfriend is a v**.... Upon hearing this, he stands up, turns away from her, and leaves without a word.
Later, when his buddies at the bar ask what went wrong, he explains...
"If she ain't good enough for her daddy, her uncle, her brother, and her cousin, she ain't good enough for me!!"
Yet another r**... finds out his girlfriend is a v**......
A r**... finds out his girlfriend is a v**.... Upon hearing this, he stands up, turns away from her, and leaves without a word.
Later, when his buddies see him sad at the bar they ask what went wrong, he explains...
"My mom just told me I'm adopted"
Went to the doctor today and my many years of phone s**... has finally caught up with me.
I have hearing AIDS now.
An elderly couple are sitting in a church
The man lets out a silent f**... while the priest is talking.
He then says to his wife "I've let out a silent f**..., everyone here will smell it. What do I do?"
His wife then says to him, "You get your hearing aids fixed"
If a blind couple breaks up...
would they start hearing other people?
If you lose your hearing,...
is it ear replaceable?
Jesus may have been offended
Elderly couple in church during Easter mass. Wife turns to husband and says, "I have just done a silent f**..., what should I do?" Husband says, "put new batteries in your hearing aid!"
An old couple is sitting in church
The wife turns to the husband and says, "I just let out a silent f**.... What should I do."
"Put new batteries in your hearing aids."
All those years of phone s**... has caught up with me...
I now have hearing aids
If a deaf person goes to court
Is it still a hearing?
You have to be careful if you're going to have phone s**....
You might get hearing aids.
Soviet Breadline
At one of USSR's breadlines during the Perestroika, a man in the crowd is mumbling to himself. "No bread, no milk, no meat, what a shame".
Two policemen walking the beat hearing his mumbling walk up to him, and say:
"Comrade, if you said that 40 years ago you'd be shot, so just shut up and stand in line like everybody else"
As the policemen leave, the man turns back to the crowd and says:
"Not only we don't have bread or milk, but I was just told we ran out of bullets too."
What do you get from having too much phone s**...?
hearing AIDS
Old lady in a fancy restaurant leans over to her hubby and says , I've done a silent f**... what should I do?
Husband says 'change the batteries in your hearing aids
The hard of hearing s**......
got really disappointed when he finally arrived at his uncle's wheat farm.
Bringing her home to meet mother
I told my new girlfriend that my mother was very hard of hearing and that she should speak loud and slow. I told my mother that my girlfriend was mentally challenged and to please be polite.
I'm looking forward to Christmas dinner.
A woman turns to her husband sitting in church one Sunday morning and quietly says,
I've just let a silent f**.... What should I do?
Her husband leans over to her and replies, Get a new battery for your hearing aid.
Cole's Law
"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
(I remember hearing this from my dad, and to this day it makes me giggle like an idiot.)
Harry Potter woke up in a hospital.
A little confused he asked "where am I?"
Doctor: "why you were in a coma and just awoke in this fine hospital"
"Why am I in a muggle Hospital?" he mumbled to himself
slightly hearing him the doctor spoke " Son, Take it easy, you ran face first into a wall and have been in a coma for 8 years"
Doctor... there's something wrong with my hearing!
Describe the symptoms....
Uh...Well Marge has blue hair....homer is fat...
Guy walks into bar
Wanting to know who owns the Great Dane t**... outside because his dog just killed said Great Dane.
A man at the bar stands up obviously perplexed and says what kind of dog do you have that it just killed my Great Dane?
Other man responds proudly he owns a Chiwawa.
You're saying your Chiwawa killed my Great Dane? Not really believing what he was hearing.
Yes other man responds my dog got lodged in your dogs t**...
At the hearings, Kavanaugh was asked how he would prefer to cross a waist deep river, in a rowboat or simply walk across it
He said he doesn't want to give an opinion on Row Vs. Wade
Johnny became a mailman after hearing how they always slept with women as part of the punchline of jokes. He figured he'd tell the jokes to mothers as he dropped of the mail and then sleep with them. He dropped off package after package and told joke after joke, but no mothers ever slept with him.
One day he asked a mother if he's been mislead by the jokes. Maybe mother's really never slept with the mailmen and the jokes were misleading.
The mother said, oh honey, it's not the jokes, it your delivery.
A politicians promise
A politician visited a village and asked what their needs were.
We have 2 basic needs sir, replied the villager.
Firstly, we have a hospital, but there's no doctor.
On hearing this, politician whipped out his cellphone, and after speaking for a while he reassured the village leader that the doctor would be there the next day. He then asked about the second problem.
Secondly sir, there is no cellphone coverage anywhere in this village.
All my years of phone s**... finally caught up with me
I have hearing aids
A little boy was doing his math homework and practicing out loud, Two plus six, that son of a b**... is eight...
Three plus seven, that son of a b**... is ten."
Hearing what he was saying, his mother asked him what he was doing. He answered that he was doing his math homework.
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" she asked her son to which he replied yes.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher what she is teaching in math class. The teacher said, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked if she was teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a b**... is four.
Laughing, the teacher replied, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
A little girl runs up to her mother and says "mummy, daddy hanged himself in the basement!"
Upon hearing the news the mother breaks down in tears and, shakily, makes her way into the basement.
When they get there, the woman cannot see the father's corpse.
The little girl then exclaims "April fools! Daddy did it in the garage"
A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses' wife instead: "I'm afraid he died last week," she explains.
The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss. "I told you," the wife replies, "he died last week." The day after he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss. By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts: "I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?"
"Cos" He replies laughing, "I just love hearing it..."
At the parole hearing, the officer asked, "Tell me, why should you be released early?" The inmate responded, "It's bec..."
Officer: Yes?
Inmate: I think I have..
Officer: Go on.
Inmate: Can I Please finish my sentence?
Officer: Sure. Parole denied.
An elderly man thinks his wife is losing her hearing so he calls their doctor.
The doctor tells him "We need to figure out how bad her hearing is. Using a normal tone, talk to her at various distances until she can hear you."
That night the man decides to try this. He estimates he is sitting about 30 feet from his wife and asks her, "What's for dinner?"
He hears nothing so he moves a little closer; about 20 feet away. He asks her again, "What's for dinner?" Still nothing.
Finally, he gets right next to her and asks, "What's for dinner?"
She finally hears him and responds "For the third time, chicken!"
A politician visited a village in India..
A politician visited an Indian village and asked what their needs were.
We have 2 basic needs sir, replied the villager.
Firstly, we have a hospital, but there's no doctor.
On hearing this, the politician whipped out his cellphone, and after speaking for a while he reassured the village leader that the doctor would be there the next day. He then asked about the second problem.
Secondly sir, there is no cellphone coverage anywhere in the village.
Donald Trump, Queen Elizabeth II and Vladimir Putin all die and go to h**....
Satan decides to let each of them to call their own countries, but at a cost. Queen Elizabeth speaks to the U.K Government for 30 minutes and pays 1 million dollars. Vladimir Putin speaks with the Russian Government for an hour and pays 2 million dollars. Donald Trump speaks with the American Government for 2 hours and only pays 300 dollars.
Upon hearing this, Putin went ballistic and demanded that Satan tell him why Donald had to pay so less but get to talk more. Satan answered simply, "Ever since Donald Trump became U.S President, he has turned America into a h**...-hole, so it's a local call."
At the parole hearing, the officer asked, "Tell me, why should you be released early?"
Inmate: it's bec..
Officer: Yes?
Inmate: I think i have..
Officer: Go on.
Inmate: Can i please finish my sentence?
Officer: Sure. Parole denied.
An American and a Russian were talking in a bar
The American began to boast about his country, claiming it's the land of the free.
"I could walk straight up to the White House and shout "Death to the American President" and nothing happens to me."
Hearing this the Russian smirked
"I too can walk up to the Kremlin and shout " Death to the American President", nothing bad happens to me either"
An elderly man suspected his wife was losing her hearing
So he decided to test his suspicions. He stood about 20 feet behind her and asked, Can you hear me, my love? But she didn't respond.
So he got about 10 feet away from her and asked her again, Can you hear me, sweetie?
When she didn't say anything, he got up to 5 feet from her and asked her again, Dear, can you hear me?
She still didn't say anything so finally he crept up right behind her and said in her ear, Do you hear me?!
His wife irritably turns to him and says, For the fourth time now, yes! I can hear you!
A man walked into a bar and sat down, ordered a beer and drank it until suddenly he heard a voice.
Voice: *Nice tie.*
The man looked around. Nobody was there except him and the bartender.
Voice: *Really cool shirt, too.*
The man was concerned. He thought he must be losing his mind.
Voice: *I like your hair like that!*
Finally concerned, the man said to the bartender, "I keep hearing this voice."
The bartender replied, Those are the peanuts, sir. They're complimentary.
A man goes to the Doctor
and tells him he's been having terrible gas, but his farts don't smell and they are always silent, so nobody seems to notice.
The Doctor prescribes him a pill and asks tells him to come back in a week.
The man returns a week later and the Doctor asks if there had been any change in his condition.
Yes! The man says. I still have terrible gas, but now my farts smell horrible!!
Great! Says the Doctor. Now that we have your sinuses cleared up, let's work on your hearing!
Elderly couple in church. Wife turns to husband and says "I've just done a silent f**..., what should I do?"
Husband says "put new batteries in your hearing aid."
A POLITICIAN visited a village and asked what their needs were
We have 2 basic needs, sir, replied the villager.
Firstly, we have a hospital, but there's not the doctor.
On hearing this, the politician whipped out his cellphone, and after speaking for a while he reassured the village leader that the doctor would be there the next day. He then asked about the second problem.
Secondly sir, there is no cellphone coverage anywhere in this village.
After dying h**... arrives at the gates of heaven
God asks him his name and on hearing "h**..." instantly remarks that he should be sent to h**.... h**... pleads to God to atleast consider some merit for him in heaven. To this God rumbles " You persecuted millions of Jews, led a second world war to happen and caused the German people to suffer a lot. On what possible merit would we consider admitting you into heaven ?"
h**... calmly replies "My Lord, I am also responsible for killing that man"
A man living in the Soviet union is queuing up for bread...
when he gets to the front he is told there is none left.
Annoyed, the man goes on a tirade, complaining about the poor conditions and the incompetence of the government.
A soldier, hearing this, says to him, "you better be careful. In the old days it would have been...", the soldier points his gun at the man's head, "...bang!"
The man apologises and shuffles off. When he gets back home his wife asks him, "husband, your hands are empty! Have they run out of bread again?"
To which the man replies, "it's even worse than that. They've run out of bullets!"
During prayer request I asked the preacher to pray for my hearing.
He decided to bring me up in front of the church anoint me with oil and have the elders lay hands and pray over me.
When they finished the Precher asked how's my hearing?
I said idk it isn't til next week.
