The Best 87 Heard Jokes

Following is our collection of funniest Heard jokes. There are some heard misheard jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these heard noise puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Funny Heard Jokes and Puns

I was banging this hot chick on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open

She said "it's my husband!. Quick, try the backdoor!"

Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that every day.

I was pretty excited when I heard Logan Paul went into a suicide forest

A little upset to find out he came back

I was having sex with my friend's wife, the phone rang. I heard it was her husband and I quickly started to get dressed.

She told me not to worry. He was out drinking with me...

Heard joke, I was having sex with my friend's wife, the phone rang. I heard it was her husband and I quickly sta

I've often heard that "icy" is the easiest word to spell

Looking at it now, I see why

I heard my son say his first words to me today...

"where have you been the last 20 years?"


"I own a small allotment...", So far I'm the only person I've heard laugh at this joke.

I own a small allotment. Every night someone throws soil in on top of in. I've absolutely no idea why.

The plot thickens.

Have you guys heard about the new restaurant on the moon?

Early critics say the food is good, but there's no atmosphere.

Heard joke, Have you guys heard about the new restaurant on the moon?

Why did the snowman take his pants off?

He heard the snow blower was coming.

So there's a fly...

and a gnat lands on its back.

The fly says, "is there a gnat on my back?"

The gnat says, "gnat at all."

The fly says, "that's the worst pun I've ever heard."

The gnat goes, "what do you expect, I just made it up on the fly!"

Have you heard about the man who got cooled to absolute zero??

He's 0K now.

Smith & Wesson Joke

A customer came in to where I work told me this one. Thought I'd share:

Have you heard Smith & Wesson is making a pair of revolvers to commemorate the government shutdown? They will be called The Congressman and The Senator respectively. They don't actually do anything and you can't fire them.

You can explore heard made reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean heard howl dad jokes. There are also heard puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


I heard a bunch of Chinese people chanting "We want rights! We want rights!"

They must be scared of the dark or something.

As she watches the news, an elderly woman calls her husband in concern.

She knows he is driving home, so she calls his cell phone.

"Dear, please be careful on the road today! I just heard on the radio that there is a driver going the wrong way down the highway."

Her husband replies, "Oh, it's not just one. There are hundreds of them!"

I heard a swimmer shout "Help shark help!!

I just laughed. I knew the shark wasn't going to help him!

(Nerdy joke) Two chicks walk into a bar...

Two chicks walk into a bar. One says to the other,"Have you ever heard of the Bechdel test?" The other says,"Yeah, my boyfriend was telling me about it the other day."

I heard some guy tell two terrible Malaysian Airline jokes...

The first one got no response and the second one was shot down in flames

Heard joke, I heard some guy tell two terrible Malaysian Airline jokes...

The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?"

Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"

Must be one-of-a-kind...

Years ago, my older friend told me a joke that I have never heard from anyone else to this day. The joke itself is brilliantly stupid.

"What did the egg say to the pot of boiling water?"

"It's going to take a moment for me to get hard; I just got laid by some chick."

Have you heard my joke about the Ebola outbreak yet?

Eh... Nevermind. You probably won't get it.


My wife left me for an Indian guy

It's okay, I know he's going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows

Marriage, the real story

A husband walks into the bedroom to see his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, "What are you doing?"

She answers, "I'm moving to Nevada . I heard that prostitutes there get paid $400.00 for what I'm doing for YOU for FREE!"

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he's going, he replies,

"I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800.00 a year."

So I heard that the hackers "Anonymous" are waging war on ISIS and al-Qaeda...

Quite ironic that 72 virgins will be attacking the terrorists!

Worst joke I've ever heard

What is the difference between Hitler and the Boston Bombers?

One of them actually ended a race.

If a man's signature is called a "John Hancock" what do you call a woman's?

Historically insignificant.

Full disclosure: Heard on the radio this morning on my way to work.

I heard a statistic that there are more men named David in charge of companies than there are women.

Well obviously. How many women do you know named David?

[NSFW/Slightly Offensive] What is the best thing about having sex with a Transvestite?

Reaching around and pretending it went all the way through.

*This is my first post here, and I hope I didn't offend anyone too much. I heard this joke in a pub in central Australia and found it way to funny.*

A man walks into a bar...

...and loses the international limbo championship.

(I feel like this is probably really old, but I hadn't heard it before.)

I was having sex with a friends wife, the phone rang. heard it was her husband. I freaked & started getting dressed

She hung up, told me not to worry. He told her he was gonna be late, he was out drinking with me.

The sonicare toothbrush is named after the words I never heard my father say.

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his cell phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "My dear husband, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 10. Please be careful!"

"Heck," said the husband, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

A senior citizen called her husband during his drive home.

"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 90, Please be careful!"

Herman said, "It's not just one car. There's hundreds of them!"

My 4 year old son just got me with a dad joke I hadn't heard before.

My son was playing with his teenage mutant ninja turtle action figures, and was making them fight each other.

Me: "Where are their weapons? Are they just fighting with their bare hands?"

Son: "No, they are fighting with their turtle hands."

Doesn't have a clue why I was laughing so hard.

Why are there no coups in the US?

It is the only country without a US embassy.

(heard from a Brazilian friend)

A joke I heard at mass

A priest is baptizing a man. He dips him 3 times in water and says "Craig, from now on you will be known as Michael. From this day forth you are to shed your sinful ways and that includes no more gambling or alcohol"

The man later that day goes home and heads straight for the fridge. He then grabs a can of coors light and dips it in the sink. As he does it he says "from this day on, you will be known as green tea"

A kid asks his dad, "what's the difference between 'realistically' and 'potentially'"?

His dad responds, "realistically you've heard this joke before, potentially, you will hear it again".

If I were a farmer, how would I measure my height?

From my head, tomatoes.

Hope no one has heard this before, thought of it while driving.

A woman heard that her blonde friend was in the hospital

She went to visit her, and found her propped up in bed with bandages over both her ears.

"What in the world happened to you?" she asked.

"It was the craziest thing," said the blonde. "I was ironing clothes when the phone rang. Without thinking I held the iron up to my ear and said 'hello?'"

"But what happened to your other ear?"

"I had to call the ambulance, didn't I?"

I actually heard this joke in a dream this morning

What do you call a little square that hasn't developed its new dimension yet?

Precubescent

Two rednecks are admiring their firearms.

One says, I keep these around for hunting, home protection, and to defend my 2nd amendment rights. The second says, I just like shooting cans.

That's a lot of firepower just for shooting cans.

Well, there's so many of them: Mexi-cans, Afri-cans, Puerto Ri-cans...

An old one. What lies on the bottom of the sea and shakes?

A nervous wreck!

I first heard this at xmas 1952 (64 years ago) and it still makes me smile.

Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys

Well not to brag or anything but
I'm bad at everything

United States

Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between their country and the U.S. One of them mentions he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.' The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend.
"Which part did you get?"

Interviewer: "I heard you were extremely quick at math"

Me: "yes, as a matter of fact I am"

Interviewer: "Whats 14x27"

Me: "49"

Interviewer: "that's not even close"

me: "yeah, but it was fast"

Are you guys OK?

I haven't heard from you all year.

A man cheats with his wife's sister

Man: Calm down! You haven't heard my side of the story!

Wife: You slept with my sister!

Man: When i got to work she was just laying there naked on my table! What was I supposed to do?!

Wife: The autopsy!

PS: Didnt make this up

I heard Starbucks is trying to hire a lot more refugees

Those poor art majors are going to suffer, then

Boy: Grandpa! Grandpa! Make a noise like a frog!

Grandpa: Why would I do that?
Boy: I heard mum telling dad, "We'll move to a bigger house once your father croaks."

Have you heard of the Saudi Arabia gay pride anthem?

We will, we will rock you!

I just heard that my grandma has finally stopped smoking.....

We can collect her ashes tomorrow.

A old man was driving down the freeway when his wife called his cell phone.

"Herbert, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!"

"It's not just one car," said Herbert, "It's hundreds of them!"

Why was Roy Moore waiting outside the liquor store when it opened?

He heard they had a 14 year old Brandy

I heard a rumour about the Canadian Prime Minister

Not sure if it's Trudeau.

I heard its easy to convince women not to eat tide pods..

but it's a lot harder to **deter gents**.

Heard you were looking for a stud...

I got the STD, now all I need is u.

Cole's Law

"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"

"Yeah."

"What is it?"

"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."

"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"

"No, what is it?"

"Thinly sliced cabbage."

(I remember hearing this from my dad, and to this day it makes me giggle like an idiot.)

I heard 8/10 Americans are bad at math...

Glad to know I'm in the other 2%.

Have you guys heard the one about the vegan transgender?

He was a her-before

Have you heard about the guy with 5 penises?

His underwear fits like a glove.

SMS

I was on sofa next to my wife who was eating and typing on her phone. So I heard my phone ringing at the kitchen where I was charging it. So I went to check , the sms was from my wife and she wrote "bring the salt on your way back."

I was at a bar one night when I heard the most amazing rendition of Free Bird being played. I headed to the stage to find my local magistrate behind the guitar & on the mic. I was so impressed that I hired him to play my wedding, but he insisted on playing his original music which was terrible.

Just goes to show, never book a judge by his cover.

You've heard of alphabet soup. Now get ready for

Times new ramen

It is my first time in court and I heard the judge shouting, "Order!!"

So I replied fried chicken, mac and cheese and cola. Now I'm being escorted out by two officers. I think we are going to a restaurant.

Joke I heard from a 109 year old Holocaust survivor

A Jew gets to heaven after passing and meets god. The Jew tells god a Holocaust joke, but god doesn't laugh. The Jew shrugs and says, "I guess you had to be there to understand".

Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers?

I heard he made a mint.

Two new recruits were on the deck of a ship.

One turns to other and says, "Its awfully quiet on deck tonight. Isn't it?"

Other recruit replies, "Everyone must be watching the band."

"There is no band on this ship."

"No, I definitely heard the captain say, a band on ship."

I've heard the Canadian Prime-Minister has a French last name.

Is this Trudeau?

Mexican and African jokes are all pretty much the same....

Once you've heard Juan, you've heard Jamal...

I was talking to a feminist today when she told me about the Dwayne Johnson Rule.

I'd never heard of it before but apparently in order to determine if a particular comment is appropriate to say to a woman, you should first ask yourself, Would I be comfortable saying this to Dwayne Johnson? If not, don't say it.

I thought this sounded like a great rule, so I told her, Your chest is epic.

So I was having sex with this woman...

I had her bent over her kitchen table, giving it to her good. When all of a sudden we heard a car door slam out front.

Oh god, she said, it's my husband. Quick, use the back door!

Well, I probably should have left at that point, but it's not an offer you get everyday...

Tom was not home at his usual hour and his wife was fuming.

Finally around 3am she heard a noise at the front door and, as she stood at the top of the stairs, there was her husband, drunk as a skunk, trying to navigate the stairs.

Do you realise what time it is?!? she stammered.

He answered, "Don't get excited, I'm late because I bought something for the house.

Immediately her attitude changed, and running down the stairs to meet him halfway, she asked What did you buy for the house, dear?"

Tom answered A round of drinks!"

I know several jokes in sign language

I guarantee nobody has ever heard them.

Two years ago we'd never heard of gender reveal parties.

Now they're spreading like wildfire.

Hey, bug on my back, asked a fly. Are you a mite?

I mite be, giggled the mite.

The fly groaned. That's the worst joke I've ever heard!

Well, what did you expect? said the mite. I came up with it on the fly.

Everyone has heard of the historical figure, Karl Marx.

But no one remembers his sister, Onya, who invented the starting pistol.

I heard Miley Cyrus is in the new Silence of the Lambs reboot

She plays Hannibal Montannibal.

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's key in the door. Stay where you are, she whispered. He's so drunk he won't even notice you're in bed with me.

The husband lurched into bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife: Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What's going on?

You're so drunk you miscounted, said the wife. "Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there."

The husband climbed out of bed and counted again: "One, two, three, four. Oh, you're right."

For my first cake day I want to share a joke my dad told me when I was probably too young to really understand it. How does an elephant hide in the jungle?

Climbs to the top of a cherry tree and paints his balls red.

What's the loudest sound in the jungle?

Giraffes eating cherries!

(Apologies if you've heard it before fellow Redditors! Maybe by next cake day I'll get better material)

I just saw that Chuck Yeager has died

...and then I heard it a few seconds later

The son of a bitch

Henry was doing maths homework, saying to himself...

"2+5, the son of a bitch is 7"

"3+6, the son of a bitch is 9"

His mother heard this & asked, " Henry ! What is this nonsense you are doing?"

"Oh Mom. Don't disturb. I am doing my maths homework"

Mom: "Is this how your teacher taught you?"

"Yes mom "

Infuriated mother picked up her cell phone and called the teacher:

"Are you teaching maths to children by saying... 2+2, the son of a bitch is 4?"

There was silence for a moment

Then the teacher started laughing :

"What I taught them was... 2+2 THE SUM OF WHICH IS 4."

***

Any of you heard about the midget phycic that escaped from prison

He's a small medium at large

I just heard that Tony Bennett has Alzheimers.

He left his heart in San Diego.

So you've probably heard

So you've probably heard the Brazilian variant of COVID is a bit more infectious than what we have here up north.

Don't worry, I hear things are going to clear up a lot down south when they get a Brazilian Vax.

Have you guys heard about this new birth control method?

It's a rock. You put it in your shoe, it makes you limp.

Lost track of my work because I just heard my car was involved in a drive-by

My Focus is shot.

Some people say the difference between animals and humans is that animals never go to war.

They've never heard of Eric Burdon.

I heard becoming a gynecologist

I heard becoming a gynecologist is easier than ever...
Because there are so many openings!!!

Surely you have heard of Murphy's Law?

Murphy's Law is simply "whatever can go wrong, will go wrong". But have you ever heard of Cole's Law?...

No? Well, cole's law is simply thinly sliced cabbage and carrots served cold with mayonnaise.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the heard hark jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working heard listen piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes