Heard Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

Joke I heard from a 109 year old Holocaust survivor

A Jew gets to heaven after passing and meets god. The Jew tells god a Holocaust joke, but god doesn't laugh. The Jew shrugs and says, "I guess you had to be there to understand".

I was banging this hot chick on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open

She said "it's my husband!. Quick, try the backdoor!"

Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don't get offers like that every day.

I was pretty excited when I heard Logan Paul went into a suicide forest

A little upset to find out he came back

I was having sex with my friend's wife, the phone rang. I heard it was her husband and I quickly started to get dressed.

She told me not to worry. He was out drinking with me...

I've often heard that "icy" is the easiest word to spell

Looking at it now, I see why

I heard my son say his first words to me today...

"where have you been the last 20 years?"

Interviewer: "I heard you were extremely quick at math"

Me: "yes, as a matter of fact I am"

Interviewer: "Whats 14x27"

Me: "49"

Interviewer: "that's not even close"

me: "yeah, but it was fast"

Have you heard about the guy with 5 penises?

His underwear fits like a glove.

I was at a bar one night when I heard the most amazing rendition of Free Bird being played. I headed to the stage to find my local magistrate behind the guitar & on the mic. I was so impressed that I hired him to play my wedding, but he insisted on playing his original music which was terrible.

Just goes to show, never book a judge by his cover.

You've heard of alphabet soup. Now get ready for

Times new ramen

Have you heard of the sexual maneuver called the "Reverse Hitler"?

It's where you ejaculate inside of an anus. i.e. create 6 million lives in a gas chamber.

I was having sex with a friends wife, the phone rang. heard it was her husband. I freaked & started getting dressed

She hung up, told me not to worry. He told her he was gonna be late, he was out drinking with me.

My 4 year old son just got me with a dad joke I hadn't heard before.

My son was playing with his teenage mutant ninja turtle action figures, and was making them fight each other.

Me: "Where are their weapons? Are they just fighting with their bare hands?"

Son: "No, they are fighting with their turtle hands."

Doesn't have a clue why I was laughing so hard.

So I heard that the hackers "Anonymous" are waging war on ISIS and al-Qaeda...

Quite ironic that 72 virgins will be attacking the terrorists!

The Best Actually Racist Joke I know

*I hate myself for repeating this. But I heard this when I was living in Texas.*

Two rednecks are admiring their firearms. One says, I keep these around for hunting, home protection, and to defend my 2nd amendment rights. The second says, I just like shooting cans.

That's a lot of firepower just for shooting cans.

Well, there's so many of them: Mexi-cans, Afri-cans, Puerto Ri-cans...

Marriage, the real story

A husband walks into the bedroom to see his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, "What are you doing?"

She answers, "I'm moving to Nevada . I heard that prostitutes there get paid $400.00 for what I'm doing for YOU for FREE!"

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he's going, he replies,

"I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800.00 a year."

[NSFW/Slightly Offensive] What is the best thing about having sex with a Transvestite?

Reaching around and pretending it went all the way through.

*This is my first post here, and I hope I didn't offend anyone too much. I heard this joke in a pub in central Australia and found it way to funny.*

A senior citizen called her husband during his drive home.

"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 90, Please be careful!"

Herman said, "It's not just one car. There's hundreds of them!"

My wife left me for an Indian guy

It's okay, I know he's going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows

I met this girl the other day and she

took me back to her house where things got hot and heavy very quickly.

I bent her over the kitchen table and started going at it when suddenly we heard the front door open.

Oh shit , it's my boyfriend ! she exclaimed Quick, use the backdoor .

Now it's at about this time I probably should have left.....
......but you just don't get an offer like that every day.

A man cheats with his wife's sister

Man: Calm down! You haven't heard my side of the story!

Wife: You slept with my sister!

Man: When i got to work she was just laying there naked on my table! What was I supposed to do?!

Wife: The autopsy!

PS: Didnt make this up

I heard some guy tell two terrible Malaysian Airline jokes...

The first one got no response and the second one was shot down in flames

I heard my daughter say her first words to me today...

"where have you been in the last 20 years?"

I heard its easy to convince women not to eat tide pods..

but it's a lot harder to **deter gents**.

If I were a farmer, how would I measure my height?

From my head, tomatoes.

Hope no one has heard this before, thought of it while driving.

The sonicare toothbrush is named after the words I never heard my father say.

So I picked up this girl the other day.....

and she took me back to her house where things got hot and heavy very quickly. I bent her over the kitchen table and started going at it when suddenly we heard the front door open. "Oh shit , it's my boyfriend ! " she exclaimed "Quick, use the backdoor" .

Now it's at about this time I probably should have left but you just don't get an offer like that every day.

(Nerdy joke) Two chicks walk into a bar...

Two chicks walk into a bar. One says to the other,"Have you ever heard of the Bechdel test?" The other says,"Yeah, my boyfriend was telling me about it the other day."

Have you heard my joke about the Ebola outbreak yet?

Eh... Nevermind. You probably won't get it.

Two new recruits were on the deck of a ship.

One turns to other and says, "Its awfully quiet on deck tonight. Isn't it?"

Other recruit replies, "Everyone must be watching the band."

"There is no band on this ship."

"No, I definitely heard the captain say, a band on ship."

A guy with a gun enters a bar..

'Who the fuck had sex with my wife?'


A voice was heard in the background 'You don`t have enough bullets mate!'

I actually heard this joke in a dream this morning

What do you call a little square that hasn't developed its new dimension yet?

Precubescent

I heard 8/10 Americans are bad at math...

Glad to know I'm in the other 2%.

The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?"

Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"

Have you heard of the Saudi Arabia gay pride anthem?

We will, we will rock you!

A joke I heard at mass

A priest is baptizing a man. He dips him 3 times in water and says "Craig, from now on you will be known as Michael. From this day forth you are to shed your sinful ways and that includes no more gambling or alcohol"

The man later that day goes home and heads straight for the fridge. He then grabs a can of coors light and dips it in the sink. As he does it he says "from this day on, you will be known as green tea"

I heard a rumour about the Canadian Prime Minister

Not sure if it's Trudeau.

I heard a statistic that there are more men named David in charge of companies than there are women.

Well obviously. How many women do you know named David?

Her Him

Her: I'm Susan, but you can call me Sue. 

Him: I'm Dave, but everyone calls me Dick


Her: Really? How do you get Dick from Dave?

Him: You ask nicely.


I heard this today!

So there's a fly...

and a gnat lands on its back.

The fly says, "is there a gnat on my back?"

The gnat says, "gnat at all."

The fly says, "that's the worst pun I've ever heard."

The gnat goes, "what do you expect, I just made it up on the fly!"

Are you guys OK?

I haven't heard from you all year.

Have you heard about the man who got cooled to absolute zero??

He's 0K now.

Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys

Well not to brag or anything but
I'm bad at everything

As she watches the news, an elderly woman calls her husband in concern.

She knows he is driving home, so she calls his cell phone.

"Dear, please be careful on the road today! I just heard on the radio that there is a driver going the wrong way down the highway."

Her husband replies, "Oh, it's not just one. There are hundreds of them!"

I've heard the Canadian Prime-Minister has a French last name.

Is this Trudeau?

It is my first time in court and I heard the judge shouting, "Order!!"

So I replied fried chicken, mac and cheese and cola. Now I'm being escorted out by two officers. I think we are going to a restaurant.

"I own a small allotment...", So far I'm the only person I've heard laugh at this joke.

I own a small allotment. Every night someone throws soil in on top of in. I've absolutely no idea why.

The plot thickens.

United States

Two immigrants from Africa arrive in the United States and are discussing the difference between their country and the U.S. One of them mentions he's heard that people in the U.S. eat dogs, and if they're going to fit in, they better eat dogs as well. So they head to the nearest hot dog stand and order two 'dogs.' The first guy unwraps his, looks at it, and nervously looks at his friend.
"Which part did you get?"

Heard you were looking for a stud...

I got the STD, now all I need is u.

I heard a bunch of Chinese people chanting "We want rights! We want rights!"

They must be scared of the dark or something.

Must be one-of-a-kind...

Years ago, my older friend told me a joke that I have never heard from anyone else to this day. The joke itself is brilliantly stupid.

"What did the egg say to the pot of boiling water?"

"It's going to take a moment for me to get hard; I just got laid by some chick."

A woman heard that her blonde friend was in the hospital

She went to visit her, and found her propped up in bed with bandages over both her ears.

"What in the world happened to you?" she asked.

"It was the craziest thing," said the blonde. "I was ironing clothes when the phone rang. Without thinking I held the iron up to my ear and said 'hello?'"

"But what happened to your other ear?"

"I had to call the ambulance, didn't I?"

Why did the snowman take his pants off?

He heard the snow blower was coming.

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his cell phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "My dear husband, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 10. Please be careful!"

"Heck," said the husband, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

Worst joke I've ever heard

What is the difference between Hitler and the Boston Bombers?

One of them actually ended a race.

A man walks into a bar...

...and loses the international limbo championship.

(I feel like this is probably really old, but I hadn't heard it before.)

As blond woman, I've heard them all. But this is my favorite blond joke.

A blonde is driving down the highway when she looks out the window to see another blonde in a rowboat, in the middle of a field, rowing as hard as she can.

She pulls over, gets out of her car, runs to the edge of the field and yells as loud as she can, 'It's bitches like you that give blondes a bad name and if I could swim, I'd come out there and beat your ass!'

A old man was driving down the freeway when his wife called his cell phone.

"Herbert, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!"

"It's not just one car," said Herbert, "It's hundreds of them!"

Son, I heard you got punished for saying the F-word in class. That wasn't fun, was it?

No Dad, it was Fuck.

Cole's Law

"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"

"Yeah."

"What is it?"

"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."

"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"

"No, what is it?"

"Thinly sliced cabbage."

(I remember hearing this from my dad, and to this day it makes me giggle like an idiot.)

A little boy was doing his math homework

...saying to himself, 2+5 the son of bitch is 7,

3+6 the son of bitch is 9

His mother heard this & asked "Why are you swearing?"

Boy, "Mom this is how the teacher taught us all."

Furious, the mother called the teacher: "Are u teaching math to children by saying 2+2, the son of bitch is 4?"

The teacher started laughing & answered: "What I taught them was, 2+2, the sum of which is 4"

A kid asks his dad, "what's the difference between 'realistically' and 'potentially'"?

His dad responds, "realistically you've heard this joke before, potentially, you will hear it again".

Why was Roy Moore waiting outside the liquor store when it opened?

He heard they had a 14 year old Brandy

A woman is cooking dinner and her husband walks in the door, shaking his head and laughing...

"You'll never believe the bullshit I heard at work today. Bill Jenkins was bragging that he's fucked every woman on our street but one."

His wife smirks, stirring the gravy. "I bet it's that snooty old Cathy Anderson."

Boy: Grandpa! Grandpa! Make a noise like a frog!

Grandpa: Why would I do that?
Boy: I heard mum telling dad, "We'll move to a bigger house once your father croaks."

I heard a swimmer shout "Help shark help!!

I just laughed. I knew the shark wasn't going to help him!

The bravest thing I ever did

I went to a Transgender Alliance Support Meeting.

I waited over an hour to speak.

Heard all the stories.

Finally it was my turn.

"Sometimes I feel like a man trapped in a woman's body" I said.

Everyone nodded.

"That's how tight my girlfriends pussy is."

A man comes home to find his wife's suitcase packed. NSFW

He asks her, "Where are you going?"

She says, "Las Vegas, I heard I can make 300 bucks for giving blowjobs, so I figured I could make some money doing what I do for you for free."

The husband chuckles and starts to pack his suitcase, and his wife asks what he's doing.

He says, "Coming with you. I want to see how you survive on $600 a year."

Have you guys heard about the new restaurant on the moon?

Early critics say the food is good, but there's no atmosphere.

Have you heard about the Viagra shipment that was stolen?

The police are on the lookout for hardened criminals.

Have you guys heard the one about the vegan transgender?

He was a her-before

I just heard that my grandma has finally stopped smoking.....

We can collect her ashes tomorrow.

Why are there no coups in the US?

It is the only country without a US embassy.

(heard from a Brazilian friend)

An old one. What lies on the bottom of the sea and shakes?

A nervous wreck!

I first heard this at xmas 1952 (64 years ago) and it still makes me smile.

I heard Starbucks is trying to hire a lot more refugees

Those poor art majors are going to suffer, then

Smith & Wesson Joke

A customer came in to where I work told me this one. Thought I'd share:

Have you heard Smith & Wesson is making a pair of revolvers to commemorate the government shutdown? They will be called The Congressman and The Senator respectively. They don't actually do anything and you can't fire them.

If a man's signature is called a "John Hancock" what do you call a woman's?

Historically insignificant.

Full disclosure: Heard on the radio this morning on my way to work.

SMS

I was on sofa next to my wife who was eating and typing on her phone. So I heard my phone ringing at the kitchen where I was charging it. So I went to check , the sms was from my wife and she wrote "bring the salt on your way back."

I heard about this new sex position that I really want to try.

It's called:

With another person.

What are the funniest heard jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Heard? Well, here are the best Heard puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Heard pick up lines to share with friends.

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