Hear Voices Jokes
114 hear voices jokes and hilarious hear voices puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about hear voices that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Hear Voices Short Jokes
Short hear voices jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The hear voices humour may include short voices in my head jokes also.
- I told my psychiatrist that I've been hearing voices in my head. He told me that I don't have a psychiatrist.
- I was trying to convince my therapist that I don't hear voices in my head. Eventually she pointed out that I don't have a therapist.
- My doctor diagnosed me with schizophrenia and ADHD. Which means I hear voices but not for long enough to drive me insane.
- I hear voices telling me to do things I don't want to do "Take out the trash"
"Do the dishes"
"Clean the litter box"
Why did I get married? - If you hear a supernatural voice in your head telling you to destroy statues of the Ten Commandments, you might be mentally ill. But if the voice tells you to create them instead, you might be Moses.
- A psychiatrist and their patient were talking. Psychiatrist: Do you hear any voices in your head?
*tell him no.*
Patient: No. - I've been a little worried about the voices I hear in my head,.. .. luckily one of them is a therapist and he's been helping me through it.
- Read this in a pirate voice Did ye hear what happened to Captain Bluebeard when he fell overboard in the Red Sea?
He got Marooned! - I like how when people in the Bible, like Noah, hear voices, it's "God speaking to them" But when I hear voices I'm "Clinically insane"
- My wife says that she still hears her grandmother's voice sometimes before she goes to sleep at night. But only when I forget to lock the basement.
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Hear Voices One Liners
Which hear voices one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with hear voices? I can suggest the ones about lost voice and voice.
- My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough. Now he can hear the voices too.
- DID you hear about The pig that lost its voice?
It was disgruntled! - I hear voices in my head But only when I wear headphones.
- Whenever I take a dump I hear voices inside my head... I think I might have shitsophrenia
- What's it like to have voices in your head? I hear you ask.
- Psychiatrist- Do you hear voices in your head? - Tell him no.
- No I don't. - What are the voices in my head saying, I hear you all ask...
- I've had to stop answering my phone Everytime I answer it I hear voices in my head
- I always hear voices when I go for a p**.... Shitzophrenia.
Charming Humor Hear Voices Jokes with Loads of Fun
What funny jokes about hear voices you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean losing voice jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make hear voices pranks.
Alfie was listening to his sister practice her singing.
"Sis," he said, "I wish you'd sing Christmas carols."
"Thats nice of you, Alfie," she replied, "but why?"
Alfie replied, "Because then I'd only have to hear your voice once a year!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Me: Sometimes I hear a voice and I think it might be an evil spirit, should I be afraid?
**Therapist:** That's actually quite common, sometimes I hear a whiny b**... girly voice.
**Me:** What do you mean?
**Therapist:** There it goes again.
A ten-year-old boy called his school office and disguised his voice.
Speaking with as much baritone as he could muster he said, "Timmy Smith is very sick and he can't come to school today." The school secretary said, "I'm sorry to hear that. Who is this?" And the boy said, "This is my Dad."
A large group of Russian soldiers...
A large group of Russian soldiers in the border area in 1939 are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a small hill: "One Finnish soldier is better than ten Russian". The Russian commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over the hill where a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence. The voice once again calls out: "One Finn is better than one hundred Russians."
Furious, the Russian commander sends his next best 100 troops over the hill and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.
The calm Finnish voice calls out again: "One Finn is better than one thousand Russians!"
The enraged Russian commander musters 1000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the hill. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought.... Then silence.
Eventually one badly wounded Russian fighter crawls back over the hill and with his dying words tells his commander,
"Don't send any more men......it's a trap. There are two of them."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Semper Fi, Motherf*****
A Taliban division is patrolling the desert when, over a nearby dune, they hear a voice call out "One Marine is worth 10 Taliban." The Taliban commander sends 10 of his men over the dune, and a gun battle ensues, then silence.
Then the voice laughs and says "One marine is tougher than 100 Taliban." Angered, the commander sends 100 of his troops over the dune. A fierce gun battle breaks out, then silence.
Then the voice once again calls out: "The Taliban are wimps. One Marine can smash 1000 of you cowards!" Enraged, the commander sends 1000 of his best men over the dune. Bullets are flying everywhere, grenades exploding left and right, and then silence again.
Then, through the smoke, one badly wounded Taliban soldier crawls back over the dune. He looks at his commander and says "Don't send any more men, it's a trap. There are actually TWO of them!"
Mental health hotline.
Hello, welcome to the mental health hotline.
If you have obsessive compulsive disorder, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personality syndrome, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you suffer from paranoid schizophrenia, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transfered to the mothership.
If you are hearing voices, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which button you press. No one will answer anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 96969696969696.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound button until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's and grandmother's maiden names.
If you have post traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 911.
If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep. Or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short term memory loss, please try you call again in a few minutes.
If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our representatives are busy.
Jesus knows you're here
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shines his flashlight around the house looking for valuables when a voice in the dark says "Jesus knows you're here." Freaked out, he turns his flashlight off and freezes, but hears nothing more so shakes his head and continues. As he is disconnecting cables from the TV, he hears very clearly "Jesus is watching you." Startled, he shines his light around frantically looking for the source of the voice. In the corner of the room he spots a Parrot. "Did you say that?" he asks. "Yes," the parrot confessed, "I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you." The burglar laughs a bit, "warn me huh? Who in the world are you!" "Moses." The bird replies. With a now humorous tone, the burglar asks "What kind of person would name a bird Moses?" The bird replies "the same kind of people who would name a rottweiler Jesus."
Snow wife.
One winter morning while listening to the radio, Bob and his wife hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 4-6 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."
Bob's wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 6-8 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."
Bob's wife goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 8-10 inches of snow today. You must park..." then the electric power goes out.
Bob's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?"
With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Bob says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A grandfather and his grandson in the supermarket
A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved three-year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle and for cereal and soda in the other aisles.
Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long, easy, boy."
Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say: "It's OK, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."
At the checkout, the little t**... is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice: "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William."
Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says to the elderly gentleman: "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be OK. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."
"Thanks," said the grandfather, "but I'm William. The little s**...'s name is Kevin."
An atheist in the forest...
stumbles upon a bear. The bear rears up to attack and the atheist yells "oh god no!" time stops and he hears the voice of god say "you called for me my son?" the atheist responds "I would ask you to save me, but that would be hypocritical, so instead, can you make the bear a christian?" he hears "I shall do this for you my son". Time resumes and the bear stops, puts his paws together and says "God in the heavens.... thank you for this meal you have provided me with today, amen"
Blondes and Blind Cowboy
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender,
'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair,
Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
* The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
* The bouncer is a blonde girl.
* I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in
karate.
* The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
* The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head
and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times
A burglar breaks into a house...
He starts searching the house for valuables and comes across some jewelery, which he begins to stuff into his bag. Just then a menacing voice echoes through the house moaning "Jesus is watching you". The burglar looks around, sees no one and decides his imagination is just playing tricks on him. As the burglar continues his search he finds some electronics, but before he can stuff them in his bag he hears the voice again moaning "Jesus is watching you". This time the burglar takes a good look around the room he's in and realizes that there is a bird cage with a parrot in it. He walks up to the parrot and asks, "Did you say that?". The parrot stares at him for a second and replies "yes". The burglar realizes that the parrot is somewhat intelligent so he asks "What's your name?". The parrot squawks "Moses".
"What kinda guy names his parrot Moses?"
"The same kinda guy who names his vicious rottweiler Jesus"
Blonde Co-Pilot
This is the story of the poor dizzy blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.
He has a heart attack and dies. She, frantic, calls out for help.
"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"
She hears a voice over the radio saying:
"This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! First, give me your height and position."
She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat."
"O.K." says the voice on the radio.... "repeat after me: Our Father...Who art in Heaven....."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A doctor had s**......
A doctor had s**... with one of his female patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal of his patient were overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have s**... with one of his patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."
But, invariably, another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering...
"You're a veterinarian, you sick s**... fiend."
A man was passing by a small courtyard when he starting hearing...
...voices and murmuring. He went in and saw an altar with a large zero in the middle and a banner that said, "NIL."
White-robed people were kneeling before the altar chanting hymns to The Great Nullity and The Blessed Emptiness.
The man turned to a white-robed observer beside him and asked, "Is Nothing Sacred?"
A man walks into a bar...
and sits down.
There is nobody else in the place except him and the bartender. He orders a drink and the bartender goes off to make it.
While he is sitting there he hears a voice say " Nice shoes". The man looks around and finds nobody around. He shakes his head and continues to wait for his drink.
Right away another voice says " Great shirt". Now the man gets up and gives a quick look around the bar. Still nobody around.
As soon as he sits back down he hears another voice say "Love your hair"
Now the guy is freaked out. The bartender comes back and places his drink down. The guy says " I have been hearing these voices. They were saying things like " Nice shoes, Great shirt and love your hair". I think I am losing my mind!
The bartender gives a quick chuckle as he points to a full pale on the bar. He says " Its the peanuts! They are complimentary"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Irish sectarianism joke
An American is visiting Ireland, and walking back to his hotel from the local pub. Suddenly he hears a voice behind him, demanding, "Are you a protestant or a catholic??". The American is well aware of the sectarian issues in Ireland and is understandably afraid to admit to either affiliation. In a flash of inspiration he responds, "neither, in Jewish!". And the voice comes back, "I must be the luckiest Palestinian in all of Ireland!"
A teacher picks up his phone...
"I wanted to tell you that Frank can't come to school today", he hears, "...he is sick."
The teacher asks:
"Alright, but who is on the phone?"
The voice answers:
"My father."
A man is walking on a sidewalk past...
An insane asylum. He hears voices on the inside chanting "thirteen,thirteen, thirteen".
He is curious why they are chanting that. He looks around and finds a hole that allows himself to look inside the fence. As he puts his eye on the hole a stick jabs him in the eye. And the chant changes to "fourteen, fourteen, fourteen".
My dad tells this joke all the time.
A U-Boat is hit by a depth charge...
...the Kapitan gets to the radio and yells 'Commandant, Commandant!!! Ve are sinking.'
The radio is silent for a few seconds and finally the Kapitan hears a voice break through the static. 'Vhat are you sinking about?'
A man goes ice fishing...
He takes out his ice pick and begins to hack away. Suddenly, he hears a booming voice from above say, "There are no fish there."
He moves to a new spot and begins again. Again comes the voice, There are no fish there either."
He tries a third spot, and again the voice informs him, "Not there either."
Frightened, the man calls out, "Is that you, God?"
"No," the voice booms, "I'm the rink manager."
Six weeks ago, my brother was deployed by Afghanistan...
And today he called home.
He asked me how things were back here, and so I took a deep breath and told him the truth.
"Your cat died."
My brother was aghast, especially at how coldly I said it.
"Joe, that's not how you break bad news." Miles away, I could hear the frustration in his voice. He sighed and explained:
"You should've started with something innocent and then gone from there. Don't open with the worst news. Say something like 'Well, the cat got on the roof... we tried to get her... then she slipped and we couldn't save her'. Understand?"
I told him I understood and thanked him for the advice.
"Alright," he said, "How's mom doing?"
"Well, she got on the roof..."
Two Jewish mothers are at lunch...
During the meal, one of the mothers says to her friend, "I have some distressing news. I sent my son to Israel to become a better Jew, but he came back a Christian."
Her friend looks up in surprise and says, "Funny story! I also sent my son to Israel to become a better Jew, and he came back a Christian! Let us go and talk to the Rabbi."
The two mothers stroll down to the local synagogue and lay their problems before the Rabbi, whom, upon hearing their Lamentations replies, "Funny story! I also sent my son to Israel to become a Jew, and he came back a Christian! Let us pray for guidance."
The three of them kneel in prayer, and are answered by the voice of God: "What troubles you, my children?" He says.
"Father," says the Rabbi, "Each of us sent our sons to Israel to become better Jews, and each of them has become a Christian."
To which God replies:
"Funny story..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Women don't want to hear a man's opinion...
...They just want to hear their own in a deeper voice.
(Credit to Jeff Foxworthy)
Selfless until the end.
For Pontius Pilate's birthday, the Roman soldiers lined the street to his house with Jews nailed to crosses. Walking slowly, Pilate was admiring the gesture, when he spotted Jesus on the last cross... he was was muttering something. Pilot exclaimed "fetch me a ladder! if the King of the Jews has something to say, I want to hear it!" Reaching the top of the ladder, Pilate moves in close to hear Jesus in a dry, half-audible voice, singing "Happy birthday to you..."
Two men are hiking in the woods.
Suddenly, one of the them drops to the ground and doesn't appear to be breathing.
Luckily, the other man has his cell phone and dials 911.
"911! 911! My friend is dead! What should I do?" he asks.
"Slow down," the operator says. "Don't worry, okay? Now, let's make sure he's actually dead, okay?"
The operator hears silence, and then a sound like an axe hitting a watermelon. Then the man's voice comes back on the line.
"Okay, now what?"
The prisoners
During WWI, a german soldier sits in his trench, minding his own business, when he hears a voice from the trench next to him:
"Franz, come quickly! I took 10 frenchmen as prisoners!"
"That's great, bring them over in my trench!"
I can't! They won't let me go!"
Did you hear about the case of the schizophrenic ventriloquist?
Everyone *around* him heard voices.
Irishman and a Texan
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back. The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer.
One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. Is your bet still good? , asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone? .
The Irishman replies, Oh…I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first .
Good news everyone! I've found another person who's voice you can hear in your head when reading one single phrase....
AND HIS NAME IS JOHN CENA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A Texan walks into an Irish pub...
and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."
The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Ten minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 10 minutes you were gone?"
The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".
A man is walking home late at night when he hears a woman's voice….
...from the shadow call out, Twenty bucks?
The man takes the mystery woman up on the offer. They've been going at it for a few minutes when a police officer points his flashlight at them and demands to know what's going on.
Do you mind? I'm making love to my wife, replies the man.
Sorry, says the cop, I didn't know.
The man replies, Neither did I, until you turned on the flashlight.
Did You Know That If You Play Jackson 5 Records Backwards You Can Hear The Voice Of A Dead Kid?
But the same is true if you play it regularly.
Did you hear about the guy who had ADD and schizophrenia?
He heard voices, but could never pay attention long enough to them to do anything crazy.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I found myself in a pub in Cork, Ireland.
A group of American tourists came in.
One of the Americans said, in a loud voice, "I hear you Irish think you're great drinkers. I bet $5,000 that no one here can drink 20 pints of Guinness in 30 minutes."
The bar was silent, but the American noticed one Irishman leaving. No one took up the bet.
40 minutes later, the Irishman who left returned and said, "Hey y**..., is yer bet still on?"
"Sure" said the American, "20 pints in 30 minutes for a bet of $5,000 ."
"Grand, " replied the Irishman, "so pour the pints and start the clock."
It was very close but the last drop was consumed with 2 seconds to spare.
OK y**..., pay up." said the Irishman.
"I'm happy to pay, here's your money" said the American. "But tell me, when I first offered the wager, I saw you leave. Where did you go?'
"Well sir", replied the Irishman, "$5,000 is a lot of money to a man like me, so I went to the pub across the road to see if I could do it.
An office worker opened his pay envelope to find
his check was short $100. He called the accounting department to voice his complaint.
"You're right, we made a mistake," said the clerk, "but last week we overpaid you $100 and we didn't hear you complaining then."
"Look," said the man, "I can overlook one mistake. But two weeks in a row?"
An old, blind cowboy wanders into a bar....
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter,
"Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a, very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
"Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler
"Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Make sure that she is really dead
A doctor gets a phone call from his best friend, and the frantic voice at the other end says "God, oh God, my wife's dead! I shot her! What do I do!?" The doc tells his friend to calm down. "OK, now the first thing is, you have to be sure that she's really dead." He hears silence at the other end, then a single gunshot. "OK, what now?!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy is lost in the mall and start shouting for his wife.
Alice! Alice!, suddenly he hears another voice shouting the same name Alice!! Alice!, he turns and looks at him and shouts HEY! is your wife named Alice too? No but I guess since shes b**... a guy like you I got a shot. Alice!
I used to be a telemarketer
I phone up one of my usual numbers and a little boy answers the phone.
"Are you parents home, young man?" I ask.
I hear him drop the phone and burst into tears. I wait a few seconds until someone pick up the phone. An elderly voice at the end of the line barks back at me:
"For the last time, this is an orphanage. PLEASE stop calling."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
God's race
One day a black kid and a white kid were debating whether god was black or white. Their debate was turning heated when suddenly the heavens opened and a booming voice and God said "I am what I am!"
Upon hearing this, the black kid gave up his argument and agreed that God is white. The white kid was puzzled and asked the black kid why he changed his mind. The black kid said, "God just said 'I am what I am' if he was black he would've said 'I is what I is'"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Guy walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only Saran Wrap...
Guy: doctor, I've been hearing voices. Can you help?
Doctor: I'll try to diagnose but I can clearly see your nuts
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
s**...
A h**...'s Angel is doing the deed with his girl in the back seat of a car. He hears a tap-tap-tap on the window, looks up, sees a flashlight shine on a badge and then into the back seat, and a gravely voice say, "I'm next."
He starts quivering and shaking, and his girl asks him what is the matter.
He says, "I never done it with a cop!"
A blind man walks into a bar
After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender,
Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?
The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice,the woman next to him says,
Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde and I'm a 6′ tall, 200 pound blonde with a black belt in karate. What's more, the fella sitting next to me is blonde and he's a weightlifter. The woman to your right is a blonde, and she's a pro wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister. You still wanna tell that blonde joke?
The blind guy says, Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.
There's an old man on his deathbed...
... sensing his time is near he beckens for his wife to join his side. She sits down next to him and clutches his hand and leans in to hear what he has to say.
In a shakey voice he says: "Maybel, when I die, I want you to marry Jenkins."
Taken back a moment, she looks at her husband and says: "Jenkins?! Why, I thought you hated him!"
The old man cackles and in his last breath he says "AND I STILL DO!"
My friend who bought an old house says sometimes he hears a melancholy voice at night.
Particularly one that whispers, "Sigh, I guess these new tenants will have to do."
I told him to ignore the noises. That it's just natural. It's just the old house - settling.
A man walks into a bar...
He sits down and asks the bartender for a drink. As he takes a sip he hears a voice say, "Hey there, you're looking rather handsome today!"
He looks around but can't find the person who made the comment. So he turns to the bartender and asks, "Who said that?"
The bartender said, "The peanuts. They're complimentary."
Knock Knock
A man is sitting at home watching TV when he hears a knock at the door. Begrudgingly, he hits pause on the remote and makes his way to the door. Once at the door, he hears a woman's voice from outside.
Woman: Knock knock!
Man: Who's there?
Woman: Cliffhanger.
Man: Cliffhanger who?
The man stood at the door for hours, anxiously awaiting a response, but there was none.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Do you think they can hear us having s**...?
"No, no, no, we can't," said a voice with reassurance on the other side of the wall. "But you'd probably be quieter if she went on top."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man has just died.
As his soul leaves his body and begins to float towards the clouds, he hears a loud, booming voice.
**"Come. Come towards the light, my son."**
And so he does.
Meanwhile, atop his cloud, God laughs, as another human hits his bug zapper.
Did you hear about Tom Hiddleston's secret audition to be in the next Marvel movie? Apparently he dropped his voice an octave to throw the casting director off balance...
He was auditioning as a low key, low-key, Loki.
A guy prays to god. please let me win the lottery .
Nothing happens and the next week he prays again I really need the money, please let me win the lottery .
Another week passes and still nothing so he goes to the top of a mountain and screams out if I don't win the lottery, I'm going to jump! . And then he hears a booming voice...
Buy a ticket!
Harry prays to God:
Dear lord, please make me win the lottery.
The next day Harry begs the lord again: please God, make me win the lottery!
The next day Harry begs the lord yet again: please, please dear lord, make me win the lottery!
Then suddenly he hears a voice from above: Harry, would you kindly go and buy yourself a lottery ticket?
When I see chocolate, I always hear two voices in my head.
The first voice says, You need to eat that chocolate.
The second voice says, You heard the first voice. Now go ahead and eat that chocolate!
Did you hear about the guy whose vocal cords were damaged in an accident, so they had to do a transplant from a puppy?
He's doing okay but his voice is a little husky now.
Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people.
Others have no imagination whatsoever.
The crusty old managing partner finally passed away, but his firm kept receiving calls asking to speak with him.
"I'm sorry, he's dead," was the standard answer.
Finally, the receptionist who fielded the calls began to realize it was always the same voice, so she asked who it was and why he kept calling.
The reply: "I used to be one of his junior associates, and I just like to hear you say it."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
While having a bath, a woman hears the doorbell.
"Who is it?" The woman asks.
"It's me! Your blind neighbour!" Replies a manly voice.
The woman thinks to herself "well if it's the blind man, I don't need to put anything on." And opens the door n**....
The blind man in complete shock says "I..... I just came here to tell you that my operation was successful and I can see everything now."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
It's 4AM and I keep hearing voices...
Though that's probably because I'm listening to music.
--
Sorry this s**... and is more like an antijoke, I have a midterm in a couple hours and I'm tired.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A midget smoked so much w**... he could hear the voices of the dead.
The drugs made him medium.
A golfer is playing golf by himself one Sunday morning. He comes to a par 3 that goes over a lake.
Dejectedly he takes an old scruffed up ball out of his bag and tees it up.
Suddenly he hears a loud , commanding voice from above say: TEE UP A NEW BALL.
He looks around surprised, then opens a brand new sleeve of Titleist and tees one up.
He hears the voice again: TAKE A PRACTICE SWING .
So he steps back and takes his best practice swing.
He hears the voice again: TEE UP AN OLD BALL.
An old man was walking down the street.
He hears a voice, Kiss me and I'll turn into a beautiful woman!
He looks around but doesn't see anything. He hears it again, Kiss me and I'll turn into a beautiful woman!
He looks down and sees a frog. He picks it up, looks at it, then puts it in his front pocket. The frog yelled, Did you hear me?! I'll turn into a beautiful woman if you kiss me!
He replies, At my age, I'd rather have a talking frog.
A crying jewish man goes to the synagogue
He stumbles to the floor and just lies there, sobbing and crying.
Suddenly he hears a voice from above: "What's wrong my child?".
"Oh", cries the man, "it is horrible. My son got baptized."
"Happened to me too", says the voice. "In the end I had to write a New Testament".
PS: Translation of a German joke, I hope it still works in English.
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
Guy : Baby, sometimes I want to call you late at night for a long chat.
Gf : So why don't you?
Guy : I always try to, but I hear a voice saying something.
Gf : what voice? What does it say?
Guy : 'Sorry, You Have Insufficient Balance In Your Account To Make This Call! '
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Doctor, I keep hearing voices coming from my underpants ...
Oh, that's nothing to worry about, they're just talking b**...
A man is driving down a country road...
... and his car suddenly breaks down. He pulls over and starts to look under the hood when he hears a voice from behind.
"Looks like your timing chain broke"
He turns around and is surprised to see a horse standing there and nobody else around.
The man runs away scared and reaches a farm house about a mile down.
A farmer comes to the door and the man tells him what just happened. He tells him that horse spoke and told him the timing chain broke.
"What?" The farmer asks "wait, was it a brown horse with a white spot on his face?"
"Yes! That's the one!" The man replies.
Farmer: "oh don't listen to him, he doesn't know anything about cars"