Comical & Quirky Hear Jokes for a Roaring Good Time
What Asian stereo type do you hear the most?
Personally I've got a Sony surround sound system.
Did you hear Mary Poppins stopped wearing lipstick whilst giving head?
Apparently the super colour fragile lipstick makes the d**... atrocious.
Isn't it annoying when engineering students call themselves engineers?
It's s**.... You don't hear medical students calling themselves doctors or arts students calling themselves baristas.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it...
...then my i**... logging business is a success.
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl pee?
Because they're dead
Did you hear about the drummer who gave all his daughters the same name?
Anna 1
Anna 2
Anna 3
Anna 4
I've often heard that "icy" is the easiest word to spell
Looking at it now, I see why
Did you hear about the mathematician who's afraid of negative numbers?
He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.
I heard my son say his first words to me today...
"where have you been the last 20 years?"
My friend said to me, Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression!? I said, Go on, then. He shouted, NOT THE KRYPTONITE! I said, That's Superman.
He said, Thanks man, I've been practicing a lot.
Did you hear about McDonald's trying to get into the high end steakhouse market?
It was a Big Mcsteak
You can explore hear ear reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean hear things you will never hear a man say dad jokes. There are also hear puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Did you hear that NYC paid Hillary Clinton $2,000,000 as a consultant for New Years Eve?
They wanted an expert on dropping the ball at the last second.
If Al Gore tried his hand as a musician, his album would be called...
**Algorithms.**
Girlfriend thought of this while doing dishes earlier.... I could hear her laughing to herself in the other room for almost 10 minutes.
I heard some guy tell two terrible Malaysian Airline jokes...
The first one got no response and the second one was shot down in flames
Did you hear about the limo driver who was in business for 25 years without a single customer?
All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.
I'm pretty sure this is the joke that will yield me my fortune.
Sometimes I hide my wife's inhaler....
The neighbours think I am a stud when they hear her panting heavily "give it to me!"
Have you heard my joke about the Ebola outbreak yet?
Eh... Nevermind. You probably won't get it.
During a f**......
The pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall and hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find out that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for 10 more years and then dies. There is another f**... for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.
As they are walking out, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"
So I heard that the hackers "Anonymous" are waging war on ISIS and al-Qaeda...
Quite ironic that 72 virgins will be attacking the terrorists!
Letter from 7 to 6
Dear 6,
Please stop spreading rumors about me eating 9. You shouldn't be talking. I hear you two do some pretty n**... things together.
Sincerely,
7
DIVORCED & DRUNK
A man and his wife are at a restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin at a nearby table.
His wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," sighs the husband. "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says the wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?
Because they are dead.
Did you hear about the pessimist who hates sausage?
They say he fears the wurst
Did you hear that Auschwitz had to ask visitors to stop playing Pokemon Go?
They got tired of people pretending to be Ash.
Did you hear the shocking news about Yahoo this morning?
Apparently they still have 500 million users.
The funny thing about teen pregnancy is that before it happens all you hear is "Don't do it! You'll regret it! You'll lose your freedom! Make the responsible choice!" Then after it happens, they say "We're a still disappointed, but we can still make the best of this. It's not the end of the world."
s**... auto-correct: I meant "Trump's presidency" not "teen pregnancy".
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere
Did you hear what NASA's new slogan will be once their budget is cut?
"NASA: The Sky's The Limit"
If light travels faster than the speed of sound...
how come I can hear the guy in the BMW behind me honk before the light turns green?
If I owned a race horse, I would name it My Face
Just to hear the crowed chant "COME ON! COME ON MY FACE!"
"...and here comes My Face coming up from the rear!"
-Credit goes to my mother
-
I took an epileptic girl to a rave
I jokingly told her, "I hear this place has rave reviews", but she just rolled her eyes at me.
My girlfriend "Dad joked" me on a hike.
I asked my girlfriend what she thought trees would sound like if they talked while on a hike.
She said "I bet we couldn't understand them"
I said "why do you think that?"
She said "because they probably only bark"
She then laughed the next half mile down the trail barking occasionally and saying "shh, shh, do you hear that? Thats a tree talking in the distance"
A struggling artist gets his first painting in to an art gallery
A struggling artist gets his first painting in to an art gallery. An art critic approaches him:
-Would you like to hear my professional opinion on your painting?
-Sure.
-It's pretty much worthless.
-I don't mind, you can tell me anyway.
A woman wants to find a husband so she puts out an ad "I'm looking for a man that won't hit me, won't run away, and can satisfy me."
A week later she hears a very loud knock at the door. She answers it and it is a man with no arms or legs, he says "I won't beat you, I have no arms. I won't run away, I have no legs."
She replies "And how do you know you can satisfy me?"
He grins and says "Did you hear me knocking?"
Did you hear the news that Trump's personal library burnt down?
Unfortunately, both books were permanently destroyed.
Do you know the what the real tragedy is?
He didn't even finish colouring the second one.
My mom just told me this one
Mom: did you hear about the actress that stabbed her husband?!?
Me: really? Who?
Mom: I can't remember her name, it was Reese something...
Me: Witherspoon?
Mom: no, with her knife
Some say that if you play Nickelback backwards you'll hear Satan.
Even worse, if you play it forwards you'll hear Nickelback.
Did you hear about the gay French baker?
Faguette
I heard its easy to convince women not to eat tide pods..
but it's a lot harder to **deter gents**.
Did you hear about the vegan transgender?
He was a herbefore.
Have you heard about the guy with 5 p**...?
His underwear fits like a glove.
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.
My wife was surprised to hear that I actually enjoyed her punishment of making me sleeping on the sofa. I said that it made me feel manly, like I was camping...
...with a really angry bear somewhere close by...
You've heard of alphabet soup. Now get ready for
Times new ramen
After my prostate exam, the doctor left. The nurse came in later, with a worried look on her face, and said the three words I was dreading to hear.
Who was that?
Did you hear about what happened to the really offensive joke about cows?
[remooved]
"Jesus loves you" is a wonderful thing to hear in church.
But a horrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.
Did you hear of the man with the same first and last name?
It was a Nguyen, Nguyen situation.
Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers?
I heard he made a mint.
Want to hear a joke about construction?
Sorry, I'm still working on it.
Did you hear about the Irishman who was impervious to bullets?
His name was Rick O'Shea
Guy: I'm hungover
Girl: Stop flirting with me on the walkie talkies, someone's gonna hear us. Over.
Did you hear about the guy who was shot with a starter p**...?
Police think it is race-related
Old German joke
An eight-year old boy had never spoken a word. One afternoon, as he sat eating his lunch he turned to his mother and said, The soup is cold."
His astonished mother exclaimed, Son, I've waited so long to hear you speak. But all these years you never said a thing. Why haven't you spoken before?"
The boy looked at her and replied, Up until now, everything has been satisfactory."
n**... painting
The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes.
So the one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door."
So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?"
"Blind man!"
The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind, he can't see. What could it hurt."
They let him in.
The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice t**.... Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"
Did you ever hear about the Mexican train killer?
He had locomotives
2 foreign immigrants have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other,
''"I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. "Two dogs, please," she says. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the companions hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs." One of them opens the foil and begins to blush. Staring at it for a moment, she turns to her friend and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"
Everyone has heard of the historical figure, Karl Marx.
But no one remembers his sister, Onya, who invented the starting p**....
Did you hear about that group where only Trump supporters are allowed?
Everyone else is forbiden
Dave was getting robbed in the desert
he gave the robber his money and asked the robber shoot a few bullets in his hat to make it believable to his wife that he was robbed.
he then asked," shoot a few bullets in the coat while you're at it, I want to look like I fought you and not look like a coward"
after the robber shot the coat, he said, "shoot a few holes-"
"please, no more holes, I'm out of bullets"
"that's what I wanted to hear. now give me back the wallet and some more money for the hat and coat you destroyed before I beat you black and blue"
For cake day, I wanted to share my grandpa's favorite joke when I was growing up: Wanna hear a dirty joke?
-A man fell in a mud puddle.
Wanna hear a clean joke?
-The man took a bath with bubbles.
Wanna hear a dirtier joke?
-Bubbles was the woman next door.
Did you hear? There's this app that lets you see which of your family members would have been n**... in WWII...
It's called Facebook.
Did you hear about the house the l**... built?
Not a stud in the place, it's all tongue 'n' groove
A man goes to the white house and asks to talk to president Trump.
A guard tells him that Trump is no longer president. The man then leaves.
The man comes back the next day and again asks to speak to president Trump. The guard says "like I already told you he is no longer president".
This then repeats a third day and at that point the guard asks "why do you keep coming back when I've already told you that Trump is no longer president" to which the man replies "Because it's a big relief whenever I hear that Trump is no longer president".
I saw a woman drop her purse in the high street this morning, so…
I quickly followed her. As I was just about to tap her on the shoulder she started running for a bus. So I ran after her shouting, "You dropped your purse! You dropped your purse!"
She didn't hear me and proceeded to get onto the bus, so I got on the bus too. As I walked to the back of the bus I breathlessly said, "You dropped your purse on the floor outside McDonald's."
"Thank you so much" she said, "Where is it?"
I said, "I've just told you, on the floor outside McDonald's."
Did you hear that the US bobsled team put Donald Trump's picture on the front of the sled?
Apparently nobody else can make America go downhill faster.
Dropped my best ever dad joke & no one was around to hear it
I'm a Refuse Driver (Garbage man) & today I was on food waste. After I'd tipped I was checking the wagon for any defects when I spotted a lone pea balanced on the lifts.
I said "hey look, an escaPEA"
No one near me but it didn't half make me laugh for a good hour or so!
Whats the worst thing to hear during open heart surgery?
Anything
Did you hear Jeff Bezos is buying Crunchyroll?
He is renaming it to Amazon Weeb Services.
Alexa, tell me a joke
Alexa, tell me a joke. ...Alexa? Alexa?
Sorry, I wasn't listening. I thought you deserved some privacy.
Really? Well, that's nic-
Would you like to hear another joke?
Did you hear the one about the non binary gold prospector
They dug a fortune out of them/their hills.
Vladimir Putin was being briefed by one of his top generals.
"I've good news and bad news for you this morning, sir."
"Let's hear the good news," the president replied.
"Intelligence reports indicate that the latest additions to the Ukranian arsenal are damaged and outdated, and many won't pose any threat to us at all."
"That's excellent! Finally, things might be starting to turn our way! What's the bad the news?"
The general shifted in his seat and looked down at the table. "A large amount of our best weapons and munitions have just been captured, sir."
Wife: "I have good news and bad news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Husband: "The good news."
Wife: "The good news is that your car's airbag worked perfectly."
Did you hear the one about the guy who owned 40 cats and a pet boa constrictor?
Sorry... 39 cats and a pet boa constrictor...
Did you hear what happened to the top pole-valter in North Korea?
He became the top pole-valter in South Korea.
Did you hear about the new frog movie?
I hear it's ribbiting.
Did you hear the one about the knife?
It's a cut down.
Did you hear about the priest who gave his congregation noodles instead of wafers for communion?
He was a Ramen Catholic.
Have you heard about the guy stealing wheels of police cars?
The police are working tirelessly to catch him.
Did you hear about the cannibal who made a belt out of a man's intestines?
What a waist of food.
Did you hear about the Israeli barista?
He brews
