Hear Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

What Asian stereo type do you hear the most?

Personally I've got a Sony surround sound system.

Did you hear Mary Poppins stopped wearing lipstick whilst giving head?

Apparently the super colour fragile lipstick makes the dicks atrocious.

Isn't it annoying when engineering students call themselves engineers?

It's stupid. You don't hear medical students calling themselves doctors or arts students calling themselves baristas.

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it...

...then my illegal logging business is a success.

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl pee?

Because they're dead

Did you know if you hold your ear up too a strangers leg

You can actually hear them say "what the fuck are you doing?

Did you hear about the drummer who gave all his daughters the same name?

Anna 1
Anna 2
Anna 3
Anna 4

I've often heard that "icy" is the easiest word to spell

Looking at it now, I see why

This is 911, what's your emergency? the operator asked.

I masturbate too much, the man replied.

Sir, that's not really a problem, the operator said.

The man shouted, Did you hear that, Mom? Now get off my case.

Did you hear about the mathematician who's afraid of negative numbers?

He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.

I heard my son say his first words to me today...

"where have you been the last 20 years?"

My friend said to me, Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression!? I said, Go on, then. He shouted, NOT THE KRYPTONITE! I said, That's Superman.


He said, Thanks man, I've been practicing a lot.

Did you hear about McDonald's trying to get into the high end steakhouse market?

It was a Big Mcsteak

Did you hear that NYC paid Hillary Clinton $2,000,000 as a consultant for New Years Eve?

They wanted an expert on dropping the ball at the last second.

On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me...

"If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you alive. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either."

"Fucking great." I thought, "First day in here and I'm already married."

Did you hear about the guy who was shot with a starter pistol?

Police think it is race-related

Some say that if you play Nickelback backwards you'll hear Satan.

Even worse, if you play it forwards you'll hear Nickelback.

My mom just told me this one

Mom: did you hear about the actress that stabbed her husband?!?

Me: really? Who?

Mom: I can't remember her name, it was Reese something...

Me: Witherspoon?

Mom: no, with her knife

I took an epileptic girl to a rave

I jokingly told her, "I hear this place has rave reviews", but she just rolled her eyes at me.

Did you hear what NASA's new slogan will be once their budget is cut?

"NASA: The Sky's The Limit"

"Jesus loves you" is a wonderful thing to hear in church.

But a horrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

Did you hear about the penis-less man who ejaculated ?

He just came out of nowhere.

Have you heard about the guy with 5 penises?

His underwear fits like a glove.

Did you hear the news that Trump's personal library burnt down?

Unfortunately, both books were permanently destroyed.


Do you know the what the real tragedy is?
He didn't even finish colouring the second one.

Did you hear about the Irishman who was impervious to bullets?

His name was Rick O'Shea

If light travels faster than the speed of sound...

how come I can hear the guy in the BMW behind me honk before the light turns green?

The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested

I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.

Did you hear of the man with the same first and last name?

It was a Nguyen, Nguyen situation.

You've heard of alphabet soup. Now get ready for

Times new ramen

Have you heard of the sexual maneuver called the "Reverse Hitler"?

It's where you ejaculate inside of an anus. i.e. create 6 million lives in a gas chamber.

The funny thing about teen pregnancy is that before it happens all you hear is "Don't do it! You'll regret it! You'll lose your freedom! Make the responsible choice!" Then after it happens, they say "We're a still disappointed, but we can still make the best of this. It's not the end of the world."

Stupid auto-correct: I meant "Trump's presidency" not "teen pregnancy".

My girlfriend "Dad joked" me on a hike.

I asked my girlfriend what she thought trees would sound like if they talked while on a hike.
She said "I bet we couldn't understand them"
I said "why do you think that?"
She said "because they probably only bark"
She then laughed the next half mile down the trail barking occasionally and saying "shh, shh, do you hear that? Thats a tree talking in the distance"

Did you hear the shocking news about Yahoo this morning?

Apparently they still have 500 million users.

So I heard that the hackers "Anonymous" are waging war on ISIS and al-Qaeda...

Quite ironic that 72 virgins will be attacking the terrorists!

Did you hear about what happened to the really offensive joke about cows?

[remooved]

Did you hear about the pessimist who hates sausage?

They say he fears the wurst

Did you hear about the gay French baker?

Faguette

After my prostate exam, the doctor left. The nurse came in later, with a worried look on her face, and said the three words I was dreading to hear.

Who was that?

Old German joke

An eight-year old boy had never spoken a word. One afternoon, as he sat eating his lunch he turned to his mother and said, The soup is cold."

His astonished mother exclaimed, Son, I've waited so long to hear you speak. But all these years you never said a thing. Why haven't you spoken before?"

The boy looked at her and replied, Up until now, everything has been satisfactory."

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?

Because they are dead.

A struggling artist gets his first painting in to an art gallery

A struggling artist gets his first painting in to an art gallery. An art critic approaches him:

-Would you like to hear my professional opinion on your painting?

-Sure.

-It's pretty much worthless.

-I don't mind, you can tell me anyway.

Cop: You were going 68 in a 55

Me: Dang, 68? Can you make that number a little higher so I can hear the judge saying it out loud?

Cop: Sure whatever

[Later in traffic court]

Judge: How the hell were you going 420 in a 55?

Did you hear about the depressed plumber?

He's been going through some shit

My wife was surprised to hear that I actually enjoyed her punishment of making me sleeping on the sofa. I said that it made me feel manly, like I was camping...

...with a really angry bear somewhere close by...

During a funeral...

The pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall and hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find out that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for 10 more years and then dies. There is another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.
As they are walking out, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"

I heard some guy tell two terrible Malaysian Airline jokes...

The first one got no response and the second one was shot down in flames

I heard my daughter say her first words to me today...

"where have you been in the last 20 years?"

I heard its easy to convince women not to eat tide pods..

but it's a lot harder to **deter gents**.

Sometimes I hide my wife's inhaler....

The neighbours think I am a stud when they hear her panting heavily "give it to me!"

If Al Gore tried his hand as a musician, his album would be called...

**Algorithms.**

Girlfriend thought of this while doing dishes earlier.... I could hear her laughing to herself in the other room for almost 10 minutes.

Did you hear that Auschwitz had to ask visitors to stop playing Pokemon Go?

They got tired of people pretending to be Ash.

Guy: I'm hungover

Girl: Stop flirting with me on the walkie talkies, someone's gonna hear us. Over.

A woman wants to find a husband so she puts out an ad "I'm looking for a man that won't hit me, won't run away, and can satisfy me."

A week later she hears a very loud knock at the door. She answers it and it is a man with no arms or legs, he says "I won't beat you, I have no arms. I won't run away, I have no legs."

She replies "And how do you know you can satisfy me?"

He grins and says "Did you hear me knocking?"

Did you hear about the limo driver who was in business for 25 years without a single customer?

All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.


I'm pretty sure this is the joke that will yield me my fortune.

Did you hear about the vegan transgender?

He was a herbefore.

If I owned a race horse, I would name it My Face

Just to hear the crowed chant "COME ON! COME ON MY FACE!"

"...and here comes My Face coming up from the rear!"

-Credit goes to my mother
-

Letter from 7 to 6

Dear 6,

Please stop spreading rumors about me eating 9. You shouldn't be talking. I hear you two do some pretty nasty things together.

Sincerely,
7

DIVORCED & DRUNK

A man and his wife are at a restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin at a nearby table.
His wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," sighs the husband. "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says the wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

Did you hear about the pedophile that never could win a race?

He was always coming in a little behind.

Have you heard my joke about the Ebola outbreak yet?

Eh... Nevermind. You probably won't get it.

With the rise of self driving vehicles,

we shall soon hear a country song about a guy's truck leaving him too.

Pakistan president calls to Obama in the morning

And says "I'm sorry to hear about the terrorist attacks in New York, I wanted to be the first one to call and show my support to America"

After a pause Obama replies "What attack? I have no news of such attacks yet"

A dramatic silence prevails

After a while Obama hears a voice on phone that sounded like someone shouting "shit I forgot about the time difference".

I actually heard this joke in a dream this morning

What do you call a little square that hasn't developed its new dimension yet?

Precubescent

I heard 8/10 Americans are bad at math...

Glad to know I'm in the other 2%.

Anyone need a job?

I hear Malaysia Airlines is looking for people.






^im ^so ^sorry

Jim had been out for a few days with the flu. Back at work,...

...he ran into a friend of his, who asked him, "Jim, how are you feeling?"

"I'm better, thanks. You know, it was a wonderful experience," Jim replied.

"Wonderful? How can the flu be wonderful?"

"Well, I learned that my wife really loves me. You know, whenever the mailman came by or a delivery man headed toward the door, my wife ran out to meet them? I could hear her excitedly saying 'My husband is home! My husband is home!'"

Have you heard of the Saudi Arabia gay pride anthem?

We will, we will rock you!

I heard a rumour about the Canadian Prime Minister

Not sure if it's Trudeau.

I heard a statistic that there are more men named David in charge of companies than there are women.

Well obviously. How many women do you know named David?

Did you hear about the Mexican train bomber?

He had locomotives.

What are the funniest hear jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Hear? Well, here are the best Hear puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Hear pick up lines to share with friends.

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