Hear Jokes

148 hear jokes and hilarious hear puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about hear that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Did you hear the latest jokes? Get your laughs here with a collection of hilarious jokes! Make sure to heed the warning to not laugh too hard--you don't want to miss the next joke!

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Funniest Hear Short Jokes

Short hear jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The hear humour may include short listen jokes also.

  1. What asian stereo type do you hear the most? Personally I've got a Sony surround sound system.
  2. Did you hear about the drummer who gave all his daughters the same name? Anna 1
    Anna 2
    Anna 3
    Anna 4
  3. Did you hear about the mathematician who's afraid of negative number? He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.
  4. Did you hear about McDonald's trying to get into the high end steakhouse market? It was a Big Mcsteak
  5. Did you hear that NYC paid hillary clinton $2,000,000 as a consultant for New Years Eve? They wanted an expert on dropping the ball at the last second.
  6. An elderly couple is in church. The wife says to the husband, "I've let out one of those silent farts, what do I do?" The husband says, "Change the battery in your hearing aid."
  7. Some say that if you play Nickelback backwards you'll hear Satan. Even worse, if you play it forwards you'll hear nickelback.
  8. I took an epileptic girl to a rave I jokingly told her, "I hear this place has rave reviews", but she just rolled her eyes at me.
  9. Did you hear what NASA's new slogan will be once their budget is cut? "NASA: The Sky's The Limit"
  10. "Jesus loves you" is a wonderful thing to hear in church. But a horrible thing to hear in a mexican prison.

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Hear One Liners

Which hear one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with hear? I can suggest the ones about sense and hone.

  1. Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? I heard he made a mint.
  2. Did you hear the rumor about butter? Well, I'm not going to spread it!
  3. Why can't you hear a pterodactyl pee? Because they're dead
  4. Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere
  5. Want to hear a joke about construction? Sorry, I'm still working on it.
  6. Did you hear about the Irishman who was impervious to bullets? His name was Rick O'Shea
  7. Did you ever hear about the Mexican train killer? He had locomotives
  8. Whats the worst thing to hear during open heart surgery? Anything
  9. Did you hear about what happened to the really offensive joke about cows? [remooved]
  10. Did you hear about the pessimist who hates sausage? They say he fears the wurst
  11. Did you hear about the gay French baker? Faguette
  12. Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because they are dead.
  13. Did you hear Jeff Bezos is buying Crunchyroll? He is renaming it to Amazon Weeb Services.
  14. Did you hear about the vegan transgender? He was a herbefore.
  15. Anyone need a job? I hear Malaysia Airlines is looking for people.
    ^im ^so ^sorry

Hear Voices Jokes

Here is a list of funny hear voices jokes and even better hear voices puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I told my psychiatrist that I've been hearing voices in my head. He told me that I don't have a psychiatrist.
  • My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough. Now he can hear the voices too.
  • I was trying to convince my therapist that I don't hear voices in my head. Eventually she pointed out that I don't have a therapist.
  • I told my therapist I keep hearing voices in my head. She told me I don't have a therapist.
  • I went to the psychiatrist today I told him that I have started hearing voices.
    He told me that I don't have a psychiatrist.
  • My doctor diagnosed me with schizophrenia and ADHD. Which means I hear voices but not for long enough to drive me insane.
  • I hear voices telling me to do things I don't want to do "Take out the trash"
    "Do the dishes"
    "Clean the litter box"
    Why did I get married?
  • My doctor diagnosed me with schizophrenia and ADHD. I hear voices, but not for long enough to drive me insane.
  • I told my psychiatrist I was hearing voices. He told me I don't have a psychiatrist.
  • If you hear a supernatural voice in your head telling you to destroy statues of the Ten Commandments, you might be mentally ill. But if the voice tells you to create them instead, you might be Moses.

Did U Hear Jokes

Here is a list of funny did u hear jokes and even better did u hear puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • my grandma talking to my dad about her new hearing aid "it's the most expensive one u can buy, it cost me $4,000.
    my dad: "what kind is it?"
    my grandma: "it's 4:15pm"
  • Did u hear the joke about the cure for covid19? It's a riot
  • Apparently, Nintendo opened a hospital recently. Oh, hey, I can hear their ambulance driving by now!
    Wii U Wii U Wii U Wii U...
  • Did u hear about the cow that jumped over a barbed wire fence? It was udder destruction
  • A golden joke... Did you hear about the man who robbed the bank? He went up to the cashier and demanded all the gold. When the thief ran away, the cashier yelled, "A u!"
  • did u guys hear about the conflict in the middle east? israeli interesting
  • Did u hear about the male stripper who was considering retirement? He decided to stick it out one more year! LOL
  • What would u call a deaf man with a red hair and grey mustache.? U could call him anything... He wouldn't hear it...
  • Did u hear about the new plane that's going to be 2000 ft long? it's going to be the longest flight ever
  • Did you hear that Grey Poupon is opening a university? It's called Poupon U
Hear joke, Did you hear that Grey Poupon is opening a university?

Never Hear A Man Say Jokes

Here is a list of funny never hear a man say jokes and even better never hear a man say puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • A turkey is about to cross the road... When suddenly the chicken appears and says, 'Don't do it man! You'll never hear the end of it'
  • A turkey tries crossing the road But a chicken stops him and says 'Don't do it, man. You'll never hear the end of it.'
  • What do you never hear a blind man say? See ya later
  • Y'all ever hear about the eyeless man? They say he hears everything we say about him but he never sees it coming.

Never Hear A Woman Say Jokes

Here is a list of funny never hear a woman say jokes and even better never hear a woman say puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What do you never want to hear a woman's husband unexpectedly say "Honey, I'm home."

Did You Hear Jokes

Here is a list of funny did you hear jokes and even better did you hear puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Did you hear that the US bobsled team put Donald Trump's picture on the front of the sled? Apparently nobody else can make America go downhill faster.
  • If light travels faster than the speed of sound... how come I can hear the guy in the BMW behind me honk before the light turns green?
  • The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.
  • Did you hear of the man with the same first and last name? It was a Nguyen, Nguyen situation.
  • Did you hear about that group where only Trump supporters are allowed? Everyone else is forbiden
  • Did you hear the one about the non binary gold prospector They dug a fortune out of them/their hills.
  • Did you hear the shocking news about Yahoo this morning? Apparently they still have 500 million users.
  • Too soon for COVID jokes? COVID is like fashion…
    We started hearing about it in Italy…
    Became popular in LA and NYC…
    Florida ignored it…
    And it was all made in China in the end.
  • After my prostate exam, the doctor left. The nurse came in later, with a worried look on her face, and said the three words I was dreading to hear. Who was that?
  • I went to the doctors with hearing problems... He said "Can you describe the symptoms?"
    So I replied "Homers fat, and Marge has blue hair"
Hear joke, I went to the doctors with hearing problems...

Comical & Quirky Hear Jokes for a Roaring Good Time

What funny jokes about hear you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean hind jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make hear pranks.

Did you hear Mary Poppins stopped wearing lipstick whilst giving head?

Apparently the super colour fragile lipstick makes the d**... atrocious.

Isn't it annoying when engineering students call themselves engineers?

It's s**.... You don't hear medical students calling themselves doctors or arts students calling themselves baristas.

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it...

...then my i**... logging business is a success.

I've often heard that "icy" is the easiest word to spell

Looking at it now, I see why

I heard my son say his first words to me today...

"where have you been the last 20 years?"

My friend said to me, Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression!? I said, Go on, then. He shouted, NOT THE KRYPTONITE! I said, That's Superman.

He said, Thanks man, I've been practicing a lot.

If Al Gore tried his hand as a musician, his album would be called...

Girlfriend thought of this while doing dishes earlier.... I could hear her laughing to herself in the other room for almost 10 minutes.

Jim had been out for a few days with the flu. Back at work,...

...he ran into a friend of his, who asked him, "Jim, how are you feeling?"
"I'm better, thanks. You know, it was a wonderful experience," Jim replied.
"Wonderful? How can the flu be wonderful?"
"Well, I learned that my wife really loves me. You know, whenever the mailman came by or a delivery man headed toward the door, my wife ran out to meet them? I could hear her excitedly saying 'My husband is home! My husband is home!'"

I heard some guy tell two terrible Malaysian Airline jokes...

The first one got no response and the second one was shot down in flames

Did you hear about the limo driver who was in business for 25 years without a single customer?

All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.
I'm pretty sure this is the joke that will yield me my fortune.

Sometimes I hide my wife's inhaler....

The neighbours think I am a stud when they hear her panting heavily "give it to me!"

Have you heard my joke about the Ebola outbreak yet?

Eh... Nevermind. You probably won't get it.

During a f**......

The pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall and hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find out that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for 10 more years and then dies. There is another f**... for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.
As they are walking out, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"

So I heard that the hackers "Anonymous" are waging war on ISIS and al-Qaeda...

Quite ironic that 72 virgins will be attacking the terrorists!

Beethoven hyping the crowd.

*crowd cheers*
Beethoven: I CAN'T HEAR YOU!

I heard a statistic that there are more men named David in charge of companies than there are women.

Well obviously. How many women do you know named David?

Letter from 7 to 6

Dear 6,
Please stop spreading rumors about me eating 9. You shouldn't be talking. I hear you two do some pretty n**... things together.


A man and his wife are at a restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin at a nearby table.
His wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," sighs the husband. "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says the wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

Did you hear about the Mexican train bomber?

He had locomotives.

How many Trump supporters does it take to change a lightbulb?

Look, we can change the lightbulb. That I will tell you. We're changing it, ok? And I understand what you're saying, I hear it all the time. People call me and say "Is the lightbulb really dead?". Thats what they are asking me, its unbelievable. The lightbulb is in big trouble, that I can tell you. But we are going to change it.

Did you hear that Auschwitz had to ask visitors to stop playing Pokemon Go?

They got tired of people pretending to be Ash.

I actually heard this joke in a dream this morning

What do you call a little square that hasn't developed its new dimension yet?

The funny thing about teen pregnancy is that before it happens all you hear is "Don't do it! You'll regret it! You'll lose your freedom! Make the responsible choice!" Then after it happens, they say "We're a still disappointed, but we can still make the best of this. It's not the end of the world."

s**... auto-correct: I meant "Trump's presidency" not "teen pregnancy".

If I owned a race horse, I would name it My Face

Just to hear the crowed chant "COME ON! COME ON MY FACE!"
"...and here comes My Face coming up from the rear!"
-Credit goes to my mother

My girlfriend "Dad joked" me on a hike.

I asked my girlfriend what she thought trees would sound like if they talked while on a hike.
She said "I bet we couldn't understand them"
I said "why do you think that?"
She said "because they probably only bark"
She then laughed the next half mile down the trail barking occasionally and saying "shh, shh, do you hear that? Thats a tree talking in the distance"

A struggling artist gets his first painting in to an art gallery

A struggling artist gets his first painting in to an art gallery. An art critic approaches him:
-Would you like to hear my professional opinion on your painting?
-It's pretty much worthless.
-I don't mind, you can tell me anyway.

A woman wants to find a husband so she puts out an ad "I'm looking for a man that won't hit me, won't run away, and can satisfy me."

A week later she hears a very loud knock at the door. She answers it and it is a man with no arms or legs, he says "I won't beat you, I have no arms. I won't run away, I have no legs."
She replies "And how do you know you can satisfy me?"
He grins and says "Did you hear me knocking?"

Did you hear the news that Trump's personal library burnt down?

Unfortunately, both books were permanently destroyed.
Do you know the what the real tragedy is?
He didn't even finish colouring the second one.

My mom just told me this one

Mom: did you hear about the actress that stabbed her husband?!?
Me: really? Who?
Mom: I can't remember her name, it was Reese something...
Me: Witherspoon?
Mom: no, with her knife

Have you heard of the Saudi Arabia gay pride anthem?

We will, we will rock you!

I heard a rumour about the Canadian Prime Minister

Not sure if it's Trudeau.

I heard its easy to convince women not to eat tide pods..

but it's a lot harder to **deter gents**.

With the rise of self driving vehicles,

we shall soon hear a country song about a guy's truck leaving him too.

I heard 8/10 Americans are bad at math...

Glad to know I'm in the other 2%.

Have you heard about the guy with 5 p**...?

His underwear fits like a glove.

My wife was surprised to hear that I actually enjoyed her punishment of making me sleeping on the sofa. I said that it made me feel manly, like I was camping...

...with a really angry bear somewhere close by...

You've heard of alphabet soup. Now get ready for

Times new ramen

I got talking to this girl the other day. I asked her her name.

She said, "My name's Batarka."
I said, "That's an unusual name, you don't hear that every day."
To which she replied, "Actually, I do."

Guy: I'm hungover

Girl: Stop flirting with me on the walkie talkies, someone's gonna hear us. Over.

Did you hear about the guy who was shot with a starter p**...?

Police think it is race-related

Old German joke

An eight-year old boy had never spoken a word. One afternoon, as he sat eating his lunch he turned to his mother and said, The soup is cold."
His astonished mother exclaimed, Son, I've waited so long to hear you speak. But all these years you never said a thing. Why haven't you spoken before?"
The boy looked at her and replied, Up until now, everything has been satisfactory."

n**... painting

The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes.
So the one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door."
So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?"
"Blind man!"
The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind, he can't see. What could it hurt."
They let him in.
The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice t**.... Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"

2 foreign immigrants have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other,

''"I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. "Two dogs, please," she says. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the companions hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs." One of them opens the foil and begins to blush. Staring at it for a moment, she turns to her friend and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"

Everyone has heard of the historical figure, Karl Marx.

But no one remembers his sister, Onya, who invented the starting p**....

I asked a girl for her name.

She said it was "Pitaka"
I said: "That's an unusual name, you don't hear that every day."
To which she replyed: "Actually, I do"

Dave was getting robbed in the desert

he gave the robber his money and asked the robber shoot a few bullets in his hat to make it believable to his wife that he was robbed.
he then asked," shoot a few bullets in the coat while you're at it, I want to look like I fought you and not look like a coward"
after the robber shot the coat, he said, "shoot a few holes-"
"please, no more holes, I'm out of bullets"
"that's what I wanted to hear. now give me back the wallet and some more money for the hat and coat you destroyed before I beat you black and blue"

For cake day, I wanted to share my grandpa's favorite joke when I was growing up: Wanna hear a dirty joke?

-A man fell in a mud puddle.
Wanna hear a clean joke?
-The man took a bath with bubbles.
Wanna hear a dirtier joke?
-Bubbles was the woman next door.

Did you hear? There's this app that lets you see which of your family members would have been n**... in WWII...

It's called Facebook.

Did you hear about the house the l**... built?

Not a stud in the place, it's all tongue 'n' groove

A man goes to the white house and asks to talk to president Trump.

A guard tells him that Trump is no longer president. The man then leaves.
The man comes back the next day and again asks to speak to president Trump. The guard says "like I already told you he is no longer president".
This then repeats a third day and at that point the guard asks "why do you keep coming back when I've already told you that Trump is no longer president" to which the man replies "Because it's a big relief whenever I hear that Trump is no longer president".

I saw a woman drop her purse in the high street this morning, so…

I quickly followed her. As I was just about to tap her on the shoulder she started running for a bus. So I ran after her shouting, "You dropped your purse! You dropped your purse!"
She didn't hear me and proceeded to get onto the bus, so I got on the bus too. As I walked to the back of the bus I breathlessly said, "You dropped your purse on the floor outside McDonald's."
"Thank you so much" she said, "Where is it?"
I said, "I've just told you, on the floor outside McDonald's."

Dropped my best ever dad joke & no one was around to hear it

I'm a Refuse Driver (Garbage man) & today I was on food waste. After I'd tipped I was checking the wagon for any defects when I spotted a lone pea balanced on the lifts.
I said "hey look, an escaPEA"
No one near me but it didn't half make me laugh for a good hour or so!

What do you call a little boy made of pasta who comes to life?

(I really wish you could hear how hard I'm laughing to myself)

Hear joke, What do you call a little boy made of pasta who comes to life?

jokes about hear