The Best 78 Hear Jokes

Following is our collection of Hear jokes which are very funny. There are some hear hark jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these hear heard puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

What Asian stereo type do you hear the most?

Personally I've got a Sony surround sound system.

Did you hear Mary Poppins stopped wearing lipstick whilst giving head?

Apparently the super colour fragile lipstick makes the dicks atrocious.

Isn't it annoying when engineering students call themselves engineers?

It's stupid. You don't hear medical students calling themselves doctors or arts students calling themselves baristas.

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it...

...then my illegal logging business is a success.

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl pee?

Because they're dead


Did you hear about the drummer who gave all his daughters the same name?

Anna 1
Anna 2
Anna 3
Anna 4

I've often heard that "icy" is the easiest word to spell

Looking at it now, I see why

Did you hear about the mathematician who's afraid of negative numbers?

He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.

I heard my son say his first words to me today...

"where have you been the last 20 years?"

My friend said to me, Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression!? I said, Go on, then. He shouted, NOT THE KRYPTONITE! I said, That's Superman.


He said, Thanks man, I've been practicing a lot.

Did you hear about McDonald's trying to get into the high end steakhouse market?

It was a Big Mcsteak

Top Hear Puns and Funny Jokes

You can explore hear ear reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean hear things you will never hear a man say dad jokes. There are also hear puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


Did you hear that NYC paid Hillary Clinton $2,000,000 as a consultant for New Years Eve?

They wanted an expert on dropping the ball at the last second.

If Al Gore tried his hand as a musician, his album would be called...

**Algorithms.**

Girlfriend thought of this while doing dishes earlier.... I could hear her laughing to herself in the other room for almost 10 minutes.

Jim had been out for a few days with the flu. Back at work,...

...he ran into a friend of his, who asked him, "Jim, how are you feeling?"

"I'm better, thanks. You know, it was a wonderful experience," Jim replied.

"Wonderful? How can the flu be wonderful?"

"Well, I learned that my wife really loves me. You know, whenever the mailman came by or a delivery man headed toward the door, my wife ran out to meet them? I could hear her excitedly saying 'My husband is home! My husband is home!'"

I heard some guy tell two terrible Malaysian Airline jokes...

The first one got no response and the second one was shot down in flames

Did you hear about the limo driver who was in business for 25 years without a single customer?

All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.

I'm pretty sure this is the joke that will yield me my fortune.

Sometimes I hide my wife's inhaler....

The neighbours think I am a stud when they hear her panting heavily "give it to me!"

Have you heard my joke about the Ebola outbreak yet?

Eh... Nevermind. You probably won't get it.

During a funeral...

The pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall and hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find out that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for 10 more years and then dies. There is another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.
As they are walking out, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"


So I heard that the hackers "Anonymous" are waging war on ISIS and al-Qaeda...

Quite ironic that 72 virgins will be attacking the terrorists!

Letter from 7 to 6

Dear 6,

Please stop spreading rumors about me eating 9. You shouldn't be talking. I hear you two do some pretty nasty things together.

Sincerely,
7

Anyone need a job?

I hear Malaysia Airlines is looking for people.

^im ^so ^sorry

Did you hear about the pedophile that never could win a race?

He was always coming in a little behind.

DIVORCED & DRUNK

A man and his wife are at a restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin at a nearby table.
His wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," sighs the husband. "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says the wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?

Because they are dead.

Did you hear about the pessimist who hates sausage?

They say he fears the wurst

Did you hear that Auschwitz had to ask visitors to stop playing Pokemon Go?

They got tired of people pretending to be Ash.

Did you hear the shocking news about Yahoo this morning?

Apparently they still have 500 million users.

I actually heard this joke in a dream this morning

What do you call a little square that hasn't developed its new dimension yet?

Precubescent

The funny thing about teen pregnancy is that before it happens all you hear is "Don't do it! You'll regret it! You'll lose your freedom! Make the responsible choice!" Then after it happens, they say "We're a still disappointed, but we can still make the best of this. It's not the end of the world."

Stupid auto-correct: I meant "Trump's presidency" not "teen pregnancy".

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?

Great food, no atmosphere

Did you hear what NASA's new slogan will be once their budget is cut?

"NASA: The Sky's The Limit"

If light travels faster than the speed of sound...

how come I can hear the guy in the BMW behind me honk before the light turns green?

If I owned a race horse, I would name it My Face

Just to hear the crowed chant "COME ON! COME ON MY FACE!"

"...and here comes My Face coming up from the rear!"

-Credit goes to my mother
-

I took an epileptic girl to a rave

I jokingly told her, "I hear this place has rave reviews", but she just rolled her eyes at me.

My girlfriend "Dad joked" me on a hike.

I asked my girlfriend what she thought trees would sound like if they talked while on a hike.
She said "I bet we couldn't understand them"
I said "why do you think that?"
She said "because they probably only bark"
She then laughed the next half mile down the trail barking occasionally and saying "shh, shh, do you hear that? Thats a tree talking in the distance"

A struggling artist gets his first painting in to an art gallery

A struggling artist gets his first painting in to an art gallery. An art critic approaches him:

-Would you like to hear my professional opinion on your painting?

-Sure.

-It's pretty much worthless.

-I don't mind, you can tell me anyway.

A woman wants to find a husband so she puts out an ad "I'm looking for a man that won't hit me, won't run away, and can satisfy me."

A week later she hears a very loud knock at the door. She answers it and it is a man with no arms or legs, he says "I won't beat you, I have no arms. I won't run away, I have no legs."

She replies "And how do you know you can satisfy me?"

He grins and says "Did you hear me knocking?"

Did you hear the news that Trump's personal library burnt down?

Unfortunately, both books were permanently destroyed.

Do you know the what the real tragedy is?
He didn't even finish colouring the second one.

My mom just told me this one

Mom: did you hear about the actress that stabbed her husband?!?

Me: really? Who?

Mom: I can't remember her name, it was Reese something...

Me: Witherspoon?

Mom: no, with her knife

Have you heard of the Saudi Arabia gay pride anthem?

We will, we will rock you!

Some say that if you play Nickelback backwards you'll hear Satan.

Even worse, if you play it forwards you'll hear Nickelback.

Did you hear about the gay French baker?

Faguette

I heard a rumour about the Canadian Prime Minister

Not sure if it's Trudeau.

I heard its easy to convince women not to eat tide pods..

but it's a lot harder to **deter gents**.

With the rise of self driving vehicles,

we shall soon hear a country song about a guy's truck leaving him too.

Did you hear about the vegan transgender?

He was a herbefore.

I heard 8/10 Americans are bad at math...

Glad to know I'm in the other 2%.

Have you heard about the guy with 5 penises?

His underwear fits like a glove.

The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested

I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.

My wife was surprised to hear that I actually enjoyed her punishment of making me sleeping on the sofa. I said that it made me feel manly, like I was camping...

...with a really angry bear somewhere close by...

You've heard of alphabet soup. Now get ready for

Times new ramen

After my prostate exam, the doctor left. The nurse came in later, with a worried look on her face, and said the three words I was dreading to hear.

Who was that?

Did you hear about what happened to the really offensive joke about cows?

[remooved]

"Jesus loves you" is a wonderful thing to hear in church.

But a horrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

Did you hear of the man with the same first and last name?

It was a Nguyen, Nguyen situation.

Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers?

I heard he made a mint.

Want to hear a joke about construction?

Sorry, I'm still working on it.

Did you hear about the Irishman who was impervious to bullets?

His name was Rick O'Shea

Guy: I'm hungover

Girl: Stop flirting with me on the walkie talkies, someone's gonna hear us. Over.

Did you hear about the guy who was shot with a starter pistol?

Police think it is race-related

Old German joke

An eight-year old boy had never spoken a word. One afternoon, as he sat eating his lunch he turned to his mother and said, The soup is cold."

His astonished mother exclaimed, Son, I've waited so long to hear you speak. But all these years you never said a thing. Why haven't you spoken before?"

The boy looked at her and replied, Up until now, everything has been satisfactory."

Naked painting

The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes.

So the one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door."

So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?"

"Blind man!"

The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind, he can't see. What could it hurt."

They let him in.

The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice tits. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"

Did you ever hear about the Mexican train killer?

He had locomotives

2 foreign immigrants have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other,

''"I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. "Two dogs, please," she says. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the companions hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs." One of them opens the foil and begins to blush. Staring at it for a moment, she turns to her friend and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"

Everyone has heard of the historical figure, Karl Marx.

But no one remembers his sister, Onya, who invented the starting pistol.

I asked a girl for her name.

She said it was "Pitaka"

I said: "That's an unusual name, you don't hear that every day."

To which she replyed: "Actually, I do"

Did you hear about that group where only Trump supporters are allowed?

Everyone else is forbiden

Dave was getting robbed in the desert

he gave the robber his money and asked the robber shoot a few bullets in his hat to make it believable to his wife that he was robbed.

he then asked," shoot a few bullets in the coat while you're at it, I want to look like I fought you and not look like a coward"

after the robber shot the coat, he said, "shoot a few holes-"

"please, no more holes, I'm out of bullets"

"that's what I wanted to hear. now give me back the wallet and some more money for the hat and coat you destroyed before I beat you black and blue"

For cake day, I wanted to share my grandpa's favorite joke when I was growing up: Wanna hear a dirty joke?

-A man fell in a mud puddle.

Wanna hear a clean joke?
-The man took a bath with bubbles.

Wanna hear a dirtier joke?
-Bubbles was the woman next door.

I heard millenials like suicide jokes.

So I've been dying to make one.

Why can't you hear a psychiatrist go to the bathroom?

Because the 'P' is silent.


I work in mental health and a patient told me this one the other day

You hear about that mechanic who almost died?

... He had an auto-body experience

A heart was caught stealing a Honda

I guess you could say he was under cardiac arrest

So me and the girlfriend are on the couch watching some TV...

I hear my phone that I left in the kitchen get a text, so I get up to look...

It came from the GF: *"Please bring the chips on your way back".*

1980s European leaders Mitterrand, Brezhnev and Thatcher were flying around Europe in a helicopter, trying to recognize cities without seeing them.

Thatcher went first. She stuck her ear out the window and stated: "I can hear Big Ben chime. This is London!"

Next was Mitterrand. He stuck his nose out and stated: "I can smell fresh baguette. This is Paris!"

Last was Brezhnev. He stuck his hand out and yelped: "What... hey! Somebody stole my watch! This is Moscow."

I heard that masturbating too much makes you forget sources.

I don't remember where I heard that though.

One more Russian one

2 guys are lost in the middle of siberian forest. One of them says "shoot. Maybe someone will hear us". So the guy shoots once, twice, thrice but no one came to help. His friend said shoot more and the guy replied "I can't. I'm out of arrows"

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the hear mutes jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working hear apparently piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes