JokoJokes

Healthy Jokes

159 healthy jokes and hilarious healthy puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about healthy that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Discover the simple, heart-healthy and funny jokes that can help make healthy living more enjoyable. From clean, safe humor to jokes about healthy eating, diet and more, find out how to add a little extra laughter to your healthy lifestyle today. Learn about the benefits of laughing healthily for your physical and mental health, and how to bring more humor into your family, church, and diet.

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Funniest Healthy Short Jokes

Short healthy jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The healthy humour may include short healthier jokes also.

  1. Chocolate is bad Taxi driver: Son, don't eat chocolate cause it's not healthy!
    Guy: My grandfather lived 108 years.
    Taxi driver: Eating chocolate?
    Guy: No, minding his own business.
  2. Making jokes about Trump taking us to war is all fun and game until You realize you're a healthy young man
  3. My grandad is a real inspiration to get healthy, he starting running a mile a day when he was 65.... Now he is 70, we have no idea where he is
  4. If you can't handle me at my worst... Then good for you; I commend and respect you for setting healthy boundaries.
  5. Why are Japanese people so obsessed with healthy diets? It's because they never want to see another Fat Man in their lives.
  6. When Chuck Norris was born… The doctor said Congratulations! You have two healthy parents.
  7. I think my doctor really likes my choice of sensible footwear… I overheard him telling his colleague that I had, "Serious healthy shoes."
  8. An Apple Watch is an amazing way of keeping healthy Just got mine and I already lost 400 pounds!
  9. The reason why many Americans don't eat healthy, is because eating healthy would cause you to lose weight. And America never loses
  10. Did you know there is a condition that causes ones hair to be soft and healthy The condition is called "er," but most people call it conditioner

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Healthy One Liners

Which healthy one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with healthy? I can suggest the ones about fitness and safe.

  1. My doctor told me that I had a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
  2. What would Cardi B be called if she decided to live a healthy lifestyle ? Cardi O
  3. I'm an antivax parent, I want to keep my 3 children healthy
  4. Why is NTFS healthy? Because it's FAT free.
  5. How can we stop anticipating things? I do it a lot and I don't think it's healthy.
  6. Why is Japan such a healthy nation? Last time they had a fat man 60,000 people died
  7. My wife and I are arguing about getting gym memberships It's a healthy debate
  8. How do Catholic church priests stay healthy? They exorcise.
  9. What do you call a healthy Hispanic man? Manuel
  10. What healthy item does Joe Biden enjoy eating? Forbiden fruit
  11. What does a bad gynecologist and a healthy dog have in common? A wet nose.
  12. Why are anteaters so healthy? They are full of anty-bodies.
  13. A Dairy Farmer got into the healthy Oat Milk business. He *barley* made ends meet.
  14. Why is beef jerky healthy? Because it's cured.
  15. Do you know why ants are so healthy? Because they have little antibodies...

Eating Healthy Jokes

Here is a list of funny eating healthy jokes and even better eating healthy puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Subway A restaurant that managed to convince everyone that eating an entire loaf of bread is healthy.
  • I make my girlfriend work out 5 times a week and eat healthy. I don't want her getting fat like my wife.
  • I said to myself, "Thomas, today is the day you start eating healthy and exercising". Thank God my name isn't Thomas!
  • Why don't people believe me when I tell them I have a date every night? What's wrong with eating healthy?
  • What does Thanos like to eat? A healthy and perfectly balanced breakfast. As all breakfasts should be.
  • My doctor told me to drink less, sleep more, eat healthy & exercise everyday. So today I'm making a big change in my life. I'm no longer going to that doctor.
  • The best part about working out and eating healthy food: Eventually you'll be dead and won't have to do this anymore.
  • Subway The company that managed to convince people that eating an entire loaf of bread is healthy.
  • They say six is afraid of seven because seven ate nine. But why? Seven did the healthy thing. ...eat three squared meals a day.
  • My non-vegetarian friend told me to eat chicken, it's very healthy. I said no, it WAS healthy but you ate it.

Healthy Eating Jokes

Here is a list of funny healthy eating jokes and even better healthy eating puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Why are tightrope walkers so healthy? They eat well-balanced meals.
  • They say you are what you eat No wonder my healthy grandma died as a vegetable.
  • 5 easy steps for eating healthier today 1. Go to kitchen
    2. Look around in search of healthy snack
    3. See cake sitting on counter
    4. Eat all of it
    5. Leave kitchen
    ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
  • In 2017 I'm going to start eating healthy again. This marks the end of my cheat decade.
  • You should really eat more turnips. They're really healthy Turnip, for what?
  • My girlfriend told me I should start eating healthy food... So when I went to McDonalds for lunch, I decided: 2 BLT.
  • When I was a child I had a rare condition that meant I had to eat dirt 3 times a day to be healthy Lucky my older brother told me about it really
  • What does a healthy zombie eat? Vegans
  • I heard it was healthy to eat nuts So I've been eating lots of doughnuts
  • I eat healthy every day For about six hours
    Between breakfast and lunch
Healthy joke, I eat healthy every day

Healthy Living Jokes

Here is a list of funny healthy living jokes and even better healthy living puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Birthdays are healthy for you Studies show that the more birthdays you have, the longer you tend to live!
  • Scientist have found out that birthdays are healthy. Scientists have discovered that people with more birthdays tend to live longer.
  • Why were some people living in the 80s so healthy? Because they had good high jeans
  • What you call a healthy, large aquatic mammal living in a structure that gives access to ground water that is located west of England? A well Welsh well whale
  • A child is raised with antivaxxor parents... And lives a very happy and healthy life.
    Thats it. Thats the joke
  • When a healthy m**... dies of Cancer young. You don't feel so bad for living up life and out living him.

Healthy Diet Jokes

Here is a list of funny healthy diet jokes and even better healthy diet puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Doctor said a healthy diet consisted of a lot of colors... So I ate skittles
  • If greens are the staples of a healthy diet... I'm gonna need some paperclips.
  • "With our special weight loss supplements and a healthy diet, you can lose over 30 pounds a month!" Fat chance...
  • All my friends from Ecuador seem to be really healthy. I guess the Quito diet is working for them.
  • Healthy human blood must be a low-carb meal... Because it's the most-keto diet.
  • What disease do mumble rappers catch when their diet is not healthy enough? Skrrrvy

Healthy Food Jokes

Here is a list of funny healthy food jokes and even better healthy food puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Healthy German What did the health conscious german say, when he entered Whole Foods?
    Gluten Morgen
    PS: First time posting an original.
  • Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M's because let's be honest here.
  • Someone asked me whether or not I believed Indian food is healthy. I told them I'm a naan-believer.
  • I've got a really healthy relationship with food. This afternoon I ate a muffin in the gym.
Healthy joke, I've got a really healthy relationship with food.

Make fun with this list of one liners, jokes and riddles. Each joke is crafted with thought and creativity, delivering punchlines that are unexpected and witty. The humor about healthy can easily lighten the mood and bring smiles to people's faces. This compilation of healthy puns is not just entertaining but also a testament to the art of joke-telling. The jokes in this list are designed to display different humor styles, ensuring that every reader at any age finds something entertaining. Constantly updated, they offer a source of fun that ensures one is always smiling !

Charming Humor Healthy Jokes with Loads of Fun

What funny jokes about healthy you can tell and make people laugh? One example I can give are clean health wellness jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help make healthy prank.

An old man is being interviewed on live TV

Hello everybody. We are with Michael, who is 97 years old. Michael, tell us, what's your secret?
During the war, I s**... off a enemy soldier in exchange for food.
I meant about your age.
Ah… Eating healthy.

There were three friends...

There were three friends - a lawyer, a doctor and a manager. The three of them were talking about the merits of having a wife vs. the merits of having a mistress.
The lawyer says, "It is more convenient to have a mistress. If you have a wife and want a divorce, there are all sorts of legal issues."
The doctor remarks: "It is certainly better to have a wife as it gives you a sense of security which in turn lowers your stress and helps you lead a healthy life."
The manager differs by saying: "I don't agree with either of you. I think it's best to have both. So when the wife thinks you're with the mistress and the mistress believes you are with your wife - you can go to the office and finish some work."

2 old buddies mourning the loss of a friend

2 old friends are catching up at an old pal's f**.... One takes a moment to pause and finally asks the question.
"So... How'd it happen?"
To which the other responds.
"Well, as I understand it, he went to the doctor the other day and the doctor said he was 'as healthy as a horse.' But on the way home he broke a leg."

Texas: The Miracle State

At the urging of his doctor, Bill moved to Texas.
After settling in, he met a neighbor who was also an older man.
"Say, is this really a healthy place?"
"It sure is," the man replied.
"When I first arrived here I couldn't say one word. I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn't have the strength to walk across a room and I had to be lifted out of bed."
"That's wonderful!" said Bill. "How long have you been here?"
"I was born here."

A lady almost 9 months pregnant falls down some stairs and knocks herself out...

When she wakes up, she is in a hospital bed.
Doctor: "We had to deliver your fraternal twins while you slept, but they are completely healthy. Also, your brother stopped by and named them for you"
New Mother: "My brother named them? But he's an idiot! What are their names?"
Doctor: "Well, the little girl is named Denise."
New Mother: "Well, that's not so bad. What about my son?"
Doctor: "Denephew."

Why was Jeffrey d**... so healthy?

Because he ate five fruits a day!

Three guys go to Heaven.

At the pearly gates, St Peter asks the first one:
"What did you do on Earth, son?"
I was a lawyer for public interest, i helped people keep their jobs"
"Come in, son!"
"And you?" to the second guy.
"I was a doctor, i helped people be healthy"
"Please come in, son"
Third guy answers: "I was a musician"
St Peter: "Oh, there's a door in the back"

A long day at the hospital

After a long day working at the hospital 3 doctors are walking home:
- "After seeing so many patients, it's really nice to see normal, healthy people" says the first doctor, a GP
- "Not only that, they are actually alive" answers the coroner
- "Who cares about all that! Just look at all those faces! Lovely, lovely human faces!" shouts the proctologist

A 3 months pregnant woman falls into a coma...

6 months later she awakes and she asks her doctor about her babies. And he replies
"Oh you had happy healthy twins. One boy, and one girl. Luckily your brother was here to name then"
"Oh god no" says the woman "my brothers an idiot. What are their names"
"The girls name is denise" says the doctor
"Oh thats not to bad, and the boy?"
"Denephew"

An old cowboy told his grandson...

An old cowboy told his grandson "The secret to a long, healthy life is to put a pinch of gunpowder in your oatmeal every morning." The grandson took this advice to heart, and everyday for the rest of his life put a pinch of gunpowder in his oatmeal every morning. When he died at the age of 132 he left behind 5 children, 12 grandchildren, 35 great grandchildren, 78 great great grandchildren, and a 50 foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

List of the shortest books

1. The Australian Book of Foreplay.
2. Contraception by the Pope.
3. The American Guide to Etiquette.
4. Healthy Marriages by the British Royal Family.
5. Consumer Marketing Ethics.
6. Career Opportunities for History Majors.
7. My Life's Memories by Ronald Reagan.
8. Integrity by Bill Clinton.
9. The Wit and Wisdom of George W. Bush.
10. What I've Accomplished by Barack Obama.

A German baby's parents are concerned that he never speaks...

It has gotten to the point where he is five years old and has said not a word, so his parents take him to the doctor. Everything's fine, he's healthy, not messed in the head. So then one day the German baby is having some apfelstrudel when he says "mother, zis strudel is quite tepid." The parents are amazed! "Wolfgang, you've finally spoken after all these years! What's happened?"
"Up until now, everyzing has been satisfactory."

Lively Old Lady

A doctor made a house call on an elderly lady, back when they made house calls. She was spritely and healthy, and the doctor remarked on her good condition.
"Have you ever been bedridden?" he asked.
"Oh my, yes" she said. "Many times, and twice in a buggy"

An old man and his wife die...

An old man and his wife die in an accident and go to heaven. There, an angel gives them a beautiful house by the beach and everything they want. All they have to do is stay in the vicinity and enjoy themselves.
The old man turns to his wife and says: "You idiot! We could have come here 10 years ago, but noooo, you wanted to eat healthy"

A nutritionist is giving a speech at a conference on eating healthy

Red meat is terrible for your metabolism, soda rips apart your gastric wall. Fast food is almost all fat and sugar but there's one food that is the worst of all. Almost all of us eat it sooner or later and the negative effects can last for years after a single consumption. Does anyone know what this is?
After a moment of silence an elderly specialist sitting in one of the front rows gets up and says "wedding cake"

A man travels to an island...

A person travelling remarks on how healthy the locals look, and an attractive man says, "Yes, it's the island. When I first arrived I was bald, didn't have teeth, and couldn't walk -- but now look at me."
The traveler: "Wow... That's amazing. So where are you from?"
"I was born here"
Credit to /u/TheNightWind.

My 82 year old grandmother is still healthy and active. She doesn't even need glasses.

She drinks her whiskey straight from the bottle.

I'm in trouble with my wife. I totally forgot her 'special birthday' that was such a big deal apparently.

Still, everything went fine and it was a healthy baby boy!

A man takes his dog to the vet...

The vet picks up the dog and looks at him. After a moment he turns to the man. "Sir," he says, "your dog is healthy but I'm afraid I'm going to have to put him down."
"Why?" the man demanded.
The vet replied, "Because he's heavy."

A Jewish guy, a Catholic guy and a m**... are having dinner together...

...and they are bragging about their families.
"My wife and I have 4 strapping young boys" says the Jewish man. "If we have one more, we would have our own basketball team."
"Well, good for you" says the Catholic. "But we have 10 healthy sons. If we would have one more we would have our own football team."
"That's nothing" says the m**.... "I have 17 wives. If I have one more I would have my own golf course."

A woman who has just given birth has fallen into a coma.

After 7 months the mother finally awakes and asks the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: Good news, you had twins! a boy and a girl. They are healthy, luckily your brother named them for you.
Mother: Oh no, not my brother! he's so s**...! What did he name my daughter?
Doctor: Denise.
Mother: well that isn't so bad, and what did he name my son?
Doctor: Denephew.

A 5-year-old sat next to a pregnant lady.

Boy: Why is your tum-tum so huge?
Lady: Because I have a baby inside it.
Boy: Is it a nice baby?
Lady: It is a very nice healthy baby.
Boy: Then why did you eat it?

A dead lawyer

lawyer dies in his sleep and arrives at the gates of heaven.
He asks St Peter "Why am I here? I was healthy, and so young!"
St Peter replies "Young? You were 103 years old!"
The lawyer says "What? No! I was 36!!"
St Peter looks at his ledger and then says "Ahh, I see the problem. We were going by hours billed."

Vampires at the bar

Rich Vampire: I want a fresh blood from a healthy human!
Ordinary Vampire: Ordinary blood please!
Poor Vampire: Excuse me! Can you give me a hot water? I'll make tea instead. (pulls out t**...)

Why are gluten-free children so healthy?

Because they're not i**....

I walked into the doctor's office one day.

"It appears that you are severely depressed, so I reccomend you take some medication for this..." the doctor told me, writing something down.
I asked, "How much longer do I have to live?"
Confused, the doctor replied "Sir, besides depression, you're actually very healthy."
I asked again "I know, but how much longer do I *have* to live?"

A doctor is talking to a patient.

P: Am I going to be okay?
D: You're as healthy as a horse-
P: YAY!
D: -with cancer.

3 Irish brothers always get a pint together after work

2 of them moved away, and the 1 brother who stayed would order 3 pints so it would feel like any other night at the pub with his brothers
One day he orders 2 pints, the pub falls silent and the barkeep says they are on the house and offers his condolences. The barkeep then asks which brother had died and the guy says his brothers are both healthy. "But you only ordered 2 pints" to which he replied "oh, I quit drinking"

A kid takes a taxi home while he eats a chocolate bar....

Taxi driver: Son, don't eat chocolate cause it's not healthy!
Kid: My grandfather lived 108 years.
Taxi driver: Eating chocolate?
Kid: No, minding his own business.

An elderly man walks into confession and says...

Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and eleven healthy grandchildren, and last night I had an affair with two 18 year old girls. I made love with both of them… twice.
The priest said, Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?
Never Father… I'm Jewish.
So then, why are you telling me?
I'm telling everybody!

A guy starts his first day at a bakery...

The boss says, "We're a healthy, whole-food bakery, so we put vegetables in every type of bread that we make." He shows the new guy to the back room, where there are rows of file cabinets with pictures of vegetables on them.
"Here's where we keep the carrot dough," the boss says, opening a file drawer with a picture of a carrot on it. "And here's the zucchini dough."
"But what's this one with the picture of Kevin Spacey on it?" The new guy asks.
"Oh," the boss responds, "That's the pea dough file."

An elderly patient needs a heart transplant and discusses his options with his doctor.

The doctor says, 'We have three possible donors.
One is a young, healthy athlete.
The second is a middleaged businessman who never drank or smoked, and the third is an attorney who just died after practising law for 30 years.'
'I'll take the lawyer's heart,' says the patient.
'Why?' asks the doctor.
The patient replies, 'It's never been used.'

What's the difference between a healthy vampire and a sick vampire? [OC]

One sleeps in a coffin,
The other coughs while sleepin'.

I have a really healthy sleep schedule. I sleep at least eight hours a day

And at least ten a night.

I do agree that its healthy to laugh at your own mistakes...

But if you are a plastic surgeon you should probably do it in private.

Little Johnny, The UPS Guy, And Johnny's Mom

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and r**..., and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?" His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."

The doctor said "You're as healthy as a horse!"

"Unfortunately, that horse has cancer. And so do you. That'll be $75,000 for this consultation. Thank you."

During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?"

He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now."
I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."
He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."

The worst thing you can do is go to the doctor

You come in healthy and walk out with cancer

I was looking for a new psychic when I noticed they were either obese or anorexic.

Is it that hard to find a healthy medium?

I finally understand why vegans are so healthy

Because every time they go out they have to walk twice as far to find a vegan friendly restaurant!

Worms

Four earthworms are placed in four separate test tubes:
1st in beer
2nd in wine
3rd in whiskey
4th in mineral water
The next day, the teacher shows the results:
The 1st worm in beer, dead.
The 2nd in wine, dead.
The 3rd in whiskey, dead.
The 4th in mineral water, alive and healthy.
The teacher asks the class:
- What do we learn from this experience?
And a child responds:
- Whoever drinks beer, wine and whiskey, does not have worms.

An eighty year old man is in the hospital waiting room about to be a first time father.

The nurse comes out of the opperating room as say "Good news sir your wife just gave birth to twins. You have two healthy baby boys. "
The old man stands up excitedly takes off his hat and says to the nurse "It just goes to show you even if you have snow on the roof you can still have a fire in the furnace!"
The nurse replied: "Well you better change your filter because the babies are black"

A young lawyer died and stood before the gates of Heaven.

Lawyer: "St. Peter, what happened? I was as healthy as an ox, and I'd barely passed my 48th birthday!"
St. Peter: "48? According to your billable hours you were 172."

[OC] What is the one thing anti-vaxxers hate more than vaccines?

Giving their child a long, healthy life

An old man was sitting next to a kid

And he saw the kid eating a lot of chocolate, pack after pack...
So the man asked the kid: do you think it's healthy for you eating all that chocolate?
So the kid answered: My grandpa died at 100 years old
-And you think it's because he ate chocolate?
-No, it's because he minded his own business.

A man sells a dog.

The buyer asks, Is he healthy?
My dog is very healthy, the seller answers.
Is he smart?
My dog is very smart.
Is he loyal?
Yes, my dog is extremely loyal! I'm selling him for the fifth time already.

Today marks 5 weeks of isolation...

I'm walking 2 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour. Eating fresh vegetables and home cooked meals every day. The change has been fantastic! I feel great!
Zero alcohol, a healthy diet, gluten free, caffeine free, sugar free and a 1 hour home workout each day! Lost 20 lbs and gained muscle mass. I've even cut my screen time in half and am reading a book a week.
I have no idea who wrote this, but I am really proud of them so I decided to copy and paste.

In order to stay healthy during this pandemic, I've been dancing in public while insulting people.

I practice social diss dancing.

A person at the store asked me if doughnuts are healthy.

I don't know, but i never met a sick one in my entire life.

A man walks into a bar and orders 7 shots at once

The bartender brings out the shots and the man downs each one quickly.
The bartender is a little concerned by this and decides to say something
Bartender: "Hey Buddy, why don't you pace yourself a little? That can't be healthy."
Man: "You would be drinking like this to if you had what I have."
Bartender: " Oh I'm sorry. I shouldn't have pried. Although if you don't mind me asking, what do you have?"
Man: "75 cents."
.

A wealthy man had a homeless man come to his door begging for money.

The man said I'm glad to help, but its healthy to work for your money. I've got a porch out back that needs painting. All the painting supplies are ready in the garage. If you paint the porch, I'll pay you $300. The homeless man agrees and heads to the back. About four hours later he goes to the front of the house and rings the doorbell. The man answers and says let's head back and see how well you painted the porch. The homeless man says alright, and, by the way, it's not a Porsche, it's a Lamborghini.

Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life?

During his routine medical check, the long suffering patient asked the doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life?"
"I doubt it", said doctor, "Mercury is in Uranus right now."
The patient said, " I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."
Neither do I", replied the doctor, "My thermometer just broke in your a**...."

A guy is having a check up at the doctor's...

"Do you think I will have a long and healthy life?"
"I doubt it" sais the doctor shaking his head "Mercury is in Uranus right now"
"I don't believe in that astrology c**..., doc"
"Yeah, neither do I. My thermometer just broke"

A man's wife is close to giving birth but he has to go away on business.

He asks his brother to look after his wife. A couple days into the trip and his brother calls from the hospital.
"I have good news and bad news. Good news is you have perfectly healthy twins! A boy and a girl! The bad news is they had to put your wife under for the birth. She's fine, but they needed names for the birth certificates, so I had to name them."
Father says, "That's not bad news. I trust you. What did you name the girl?"
"Deniece."
"Oh, that's a beautiful name! I knew I could trust you. What did you name the boy?"
"Denephew"

A kid once asked his father during dinner, "Dad, is eating flies healthy for you?"

The dad, disgusted, quickly replied, "hush now son, we don't discuss things like that over dinner. Ask me later."
Afterwards, the dad approached his son and asked him, "now, remind me of what you wanted to ask again?"
The son replied, "oh don't worry about it now dad. There was a fly floating in your soup before, but it's gone now."

A little girl is in a taxi with her mother

The little girl was eating a chocolate and soon after she finishes the first one she opens a second one.
The taxi driver trying to make some conversation says to the little girl:
TD: "Are you sure all that chocolate is healthy for you?"
Girl: "You know, my grandfather lived for 135 years"
TD surprised: "Because he ate so much chocolate?"
Girl: "No, because he was minding his own business"

I always ask a funny question on first dates.

"Are you a serial killer? "
Its healthy to avoid competition in a relationship.

Healthy joke, I always ask a funny question on first dates.

jokes about healthy

Jokes are a form of humor that often involves clever wordplay, puns or unexpected twists in a story. These are usually short narratives or anecdotes crafted with the intent of amusing its audience by ending in an unexpected or humorous punchline. Jokes are a universal form of entertainment that people of all ages like adults, teens, kids and toddlers can enjoy. JokoJokes' FAQ section has answers to questions you may have!

The impact of these healthy jokes can be both social and psychological. They can help to ease tensions, create bonds between people, and even improve overall mental health. The success of a joke often relies on the delivery, timing, and audience. Jokes can be used in various settings, from social gatherings to professional presentations, and are often employed to lighten the mood or enhance a story.