health plan Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious health plan puns

Speaking in German in Texas

In Texas, there is a town named New Braunfels, where there is a large
German-speaking population.

One day, a local rancher driving down a country road noticed a man using his
hand to drink water from the rancher's stock pond.

The rancher rolled down the window and shouted: "Sehr angenehm! Trink das Wasser
nicht. Die kuehe haben darein geschissen." (Translated: "Glad to meet you!
Don't drink the water. The cows have crapped in it.")

The man shouted back: "I'm from New York and just down here campaigning for
Obama's health care plan. I can't understand you. Please speak in English."

The rancher replied: "Use both hands."

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Extreme Sexual Disorder

A group of young doctors are on psychiatric residency. On the first day the senior ward psychiatrist tells them to peer into the window of a room. The take a peek and to their dismay they see a man frantically masturbating in the most violent of ways.

They ask the psychiatrist what's wrong with him. He replies, "He has an extreme sexual disorder that causes him to be driven to the point of insanity if he is not constantly sexually stimulated."

The young doctors are shocked. They move on to the next room and peer into window. They see a super hot nurse giving a man a blowjob. The doctors ask "What is wrong with him?". The psychiatrist replies, "Same disorder, different health plan."

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A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital.

During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.

"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."

"Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman.

As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.

Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?"

Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, better health plan."

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The administrator of a hospital is getting a tour of the new wing.

They walk into a room and see a man masturbating furiously.

"What's the meaning of this!?" thunders the administrator.

The head nurse explains "This man has a serious prostate condition, sir. it is very important that he ejaculates 6 times a day."

"Oh - so sorry, excuse us!" say the embarrassed administrator, and they continue the tour. They step into another room and see a man laying in bed, with a beautiful blonde nurse giving him a blowjob.

The administrator says "What the hell is going on here!?"

The head nurse says "This man has the same condition, but has a better health plan."

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A supervisor is being given a tour of a hospital by a doctor

The supervisor and doctor come across a patient in a room that is feverishly masturbating.

"What is going on here!?" the supervisor demanded.

"This man has a very rare disease," the doctor explained. "If he does not ejaculate every hour, his testicles will fill with semen and burst."

The supervisor accepted the explanation and they continued the tour coming to a room where a nurse was giving a patient a blow job.

"What is going on here!?" the supervisor demanded and the doctor says,

"Same disease, better health plan."

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The queen of England was visiting on of Canada's top hospitals,

and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating."Oh my god!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???"The doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, his balls would explode and he would most likely die instantly.""Oh, I am sorry" said the Queen. On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job.

"Oh my God", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?"The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."

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A Philanthropist visits the hospital

There was a very rich lady who gave most of her fortune to a hospital so the Chief of Staff gave her a special tour.

As they are passing one room she sees a man furiously jacking off in the corner.

That's disgusting she says but the doctor explains the the man has a rare disease that causes his testicles to swell and are quite painful if he doesn't ejaculate every hour.

Well, that's understandable then, I guess. She says and they move on to the next room.

There they see a nurse on her knees giving a patient a blow job.

Shocked, she turns to the doctor for an explanation and he says,

Same disease. Better health plan

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Shovels, Asses and Camels

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land." Nearly 75 years ago, (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land." Today, Congress has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels and mortgaged the Promised land!
I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc... I called a Suicide Hotline. I had to press 1 for English, I was connected to a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck...

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I learned a lot from my affair with my health teacher

But not enough to pull out an A so I ended up going with plan B

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Republican Health Plan

Since Republicans are dismantling Obamacare, they wanted to coin a name for their new health plan. They came up with Nobodycare.

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Obama's health care plan won't cover injuries caused by a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to the face.


Nobody would survive anyway.

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A medical student decided to study sexual dysfunction as his speciality.....

On his first day in the hospital, the chief doctor decided to show him around and to start teaching his new student about this area of medicine. As part of the training, the chief doctor decided to bring the student around to all the patients in his wing so the student could see firsthand some of the diseases.

The doctor opened the first patient's door and the student was stunned to see the patient masturbating The doctor explained that this patient had a rare sexual dysfunction that if he didn't have an orgasm every five minutes, he would go into traumatic shock.

The chief doctor proceeded to show the medical student different patients and carefully explained each problem so the student would understand well.

Finally they came upon another room and when the doctor opened the door, the student was shocked to see a nurse performing oral sex on the patient. Confused, the student asked, What disease does this man have? Oh, said the doctor, He has the same problem as the first patient, he just has a better health plan.

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What are the most funny Health Plan jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Health Plan? Well, here are the best Health Plan dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Health Plan pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes