Health Jokes

What are some Health jokes?

For health reasons, my doctor says I should avoid trans fats

I'm gonna miss tumblr

Britain's oldest woman turned 114 today

When asked the secret of her longevity, she attributed it to taking a walk at midnight every night. When quizzed on whether she was concerned about the increase in muggings in recent years, she said that she was not, and would continue mugging people as long as her health holds out.

Birthdays are good for your health

Studies have shown that people with more birthdays live longer.

Things have gotten so bad in The US that during the last parade they surrounded Donald Trump with bullet proof glass.

Just because he's a White guy with mental health issues doesn't mean he's gonna start shooting up the crowd

My friend took his grandmother to one of those health spas where tiny fish eat all the dead skin...

It cost him $300, but it was a lot cheaper than a funeral...

The doctor said I should stop eating meat immediately for health reasons...

I asked if I had to quit cold turkey.

According to my doctor it would be best for my health to stay away from trans fats

I'm really gonna miss Tumblr.

You're saying that the two people I don't want for president, one is in poor health?

I'm voting for the dying one.

I asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight...

to fulfill my fantasy... that we have health insurance.

Health Class

Three boys received their grades from their sex education instructor. One got a D+, the second a D- and the third an F.

"One day we should get her for this," said the first boy.

"I agree. But what should we do?" said the second.

"I've got it!" said the third. "We can kick her in the nuts!"

If I die...

If I were to die first, would you remarry?" the wife asks.

"Well," says the husband, "I'm in good health, so why not?"

"Would she live in my house?"

"It's all paid up, so yes."

"Would she drive my car?"

"It's new, so yes."

"Would she use my golf clubs?"





"No. She's left-handed."

A drunk man

A drunk man is questioned by a police officer at midnight, asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I am going to attend a lecture on alcohol abuse & ill effects on my health."
Officer: Really....??? Sounds interesting, Who is giving that lecture at this time of night.....???"

Man: "My Wife"!!!

I failed my Health and Safety Test today

apparently when they ask what steps you should take in case of a fire, large ones was not the correct answer

Whilst in America, my son and I went shopping in Wal-mart. I asked the cashier if they had any Kinder eggs.

"Oh no, sir, we don't sell them in the States - they are a health hazard!"

"Okay," I replied. "I'll just take these two assault rifles then."

What kind of table is good for your health?

A vegetable!

This joke was made by adorable 8-year-old niece!

It wasn't. It was made by a 27 year old. Me. It was made by me.

It's scientifically proven that birthdays are good for your health.

The more of them you have, the longer you live.

Depression in Mexico

There are been a sharp increase in depression in Mexico since Trump got into office on the platform of building a wall between the two countries.

Leading mental health experts have said that sadly many Mexicans will never get over it.

A man is waiting in the doctor's office...

When the doctor comes in and says, "There's good news and there's bad news concerning your health. Which would you like to hear first?"

"Give me the good news first." Replies the patient.

"Well, the good news is we're naming a disease after you."

Not for your health.

A man walks into the doctor's office for his annual check up. The doctor starts to look him over and says, "you need to stop masturbating"

The man looks up at the doctor concerned and asks, "why?"

And the doctor replies, "because i'm trying to examine you."

'Knock knock'

'Who's there'

'Okay Google'

'Okay Google, who?'

'Sorry I didn't catch that'

'OKAY GOOGLE WHO?'

'The World Health Organization is a specialized agency of the United Nations that is concerned with international public health. It was established on 7 April 1948, headquartered in Geneva, Switzerland.Β '

There once was a woman who had 100 children....

She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety.
Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and never told their mother afraid she would kick the dog out . In fact they never told anyone. To keep from arousing any suspicions they named the dog "This" so the name could be used in conversation.
One day This ran away. They never saw This again. No one else knew about This. No one even knew a dog named This existed.













Only Ninety's kids will remember This.

Did you hear they're remaking the show, 6 Million Dollar Man?

It used to be about an enhanced human. Now it's just a story about a guy who visits the ER without health insurance.

Fire safety

I was at the Senior Center today and failed a Health and Safety course that was put on for us old folks...

One of the questions was: "In the event of a fire, what steps
would you take?"

"Fuckin' big ones" was apparently the wrong answer.

News from the sexual health clinic

A friend of mine received news from the sexual health clinic, he opened the letter and gleefully shouted "high five!". Relieved I took a look at the letter, dont know how I'm going to tell him that it's pronounced H.I.V

My doctor said the best thing I could do for my health was to go outside more. He told me to pick a fun outdoor hobby to motivate me to get out of the house.

So I started smoking.

Did you hear about the haunted health food store?

Everything is super-natural.

Husband in coma

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there.

When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"

"What dear?" She asked gently.

"I think you bring me bad luck."

Why doesn't the United States have universal healthcare?

Because paying for health insurance should give a sense of pride and accomplishment

The World Health Organization has stated that eating bacon increases your chances of getting cancer.

Statistics also show that not eating bacon dramatically increases your chances of blowing yourself up.

My health science teacher told me to write a 1,000 word essay on drugs

The paper became a taco and the floor was melting.

Mental health hotline.

Hello, welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you have obsessive compulsive disorder, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personality syndrome, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you suffer from paranoid schizophrenia, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transfered to the mothership.

If you are hearing voices, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which button you press. No one will answer anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 96969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound button until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's and grandmother's maiden names.

If you have post traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 911.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep. Or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short term memory loss, please try you call again in a few minutes.

If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our representatives are busy.

I like my health care like I like my hookers (oc)

Cheap, and accepting of all preexisting conditions...as far as I'm aware I just made this up, be gentle

42! 42! 42!

A man Is walking past a mental health building, he can hear the patients in a yard shouting " ", not being able to see over the high walls, he finds a hole in the wall, as he looks through, a Finger pokes his eye. "43! 43! 43!" The yard shouts!

Juan Vega, the clam diver, found an injured sea otter and nursed it back to health.

From the moment the grateful otter was able to walk, it never left Juan's side. It even learned to dig for clams.

One day, a man went to Juan's house looking to hire him for a week. His wife answered the door.

'Sure,' his wife said. 'It will cost you $500.'

'That much?'

'But you're getting my husband and his otter. They bring up more clams than anyone else in town.'

'I just want Juan. I'll hire him alone for $350,' the man countered.

'Sorry,' she shrugged. 'You can't have Juan without the otter.'

Health insurance is rare for exotic dancers.

Most strippers have little or no coverage.

"How'd you know?!"

For health reasons this old guy has to quit drinking. His wife is real strict about it, won't even let him to go this local bar, which is just a block up the road.

Then she has to go out of town. She tells him, "Don't you drink one drop, don't you even go down there." And he's thinking whatever, how's she going to know?

So as soon as she's out of the house, he heads down the block to his bar. One pint turns into four, and four turns into eight, and... Realizing how drunk he is, the guy stands up and falls right over. He's so drunk he can't even walk! So he crawls out of the bar, and then has to shuffle on his stomach the whole way home. Finally he gets home and crawls into bed.

The phone rings the next morning. It's his wife. "I *told* you not to go drinking, dammit."

"How did you know?" he sputters.

"The bartender called, you left your wheelchair."

Ninety

There was once a woman who had 100 children. She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety. Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and never told their mother afraid she would kick the dog out. In fact they never told anyone. To keep from arousing any suspicions they named the dog "This" so the name could be used in conversation. One day This ran away. They never saw This again. No one else knew about This. No one even knew a dog named This existed. Only Ninety's kids will remember This.

Why condoms come in packs of 3, 6 and 12!

A man walks into the pharmacy with his 8-year old son.

They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called Condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one For Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, "two For Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replies.

"Those are for married men, son. One for January, one for February, one for March..."

Do you know why consuming ants is good for your health?

It's because they have anty-bodies!

Blonde childbirth

It's a blonde who gave birth to two beautiful babies, twins, however, she cries endlessly!
The nurse then tells him:
"But see madame! Why are you crying ? You are now mother of 2 beautiful babies, in good health!
- I know, says the blonde, but I do not know who is the father of the second!

40 years old and still single.

The son of a Billionaire was tired of his bad luck at finding a woman to marry. His father was sickly and he realized that soon he could be inheriting a fortune.

So that evening he thought of a way he could use his dad's fortune and bad health to his advantage.

He saw a beautiful woman and approached her. He told her about his father's fortune and that he will soon be inheriting it. He asked her if she would like to marry him. She told him she would get back to him in a few days.

Three days later, he received the phone call from her, all excited as she said "I'm going to be your step-mother!"

What's not 50% off today?

Health insurance

NEW study shows that Birthdays are good for your health

Statistics show that people who have more birthdays, live the longest!

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son

They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks "What's are these, dad?" To which the man matter-of-factly replies "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex". "Oh I see" replied the boys pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school".

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks "Why are there 3 in this package?" The dad replies "Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday". "Cool!" says the boy.

He notices a 6-pack and asks "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men" The dad answers "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday". "WOW!" exclaimed the boy.

"Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack. With a sigh, the dad replied "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March..."

My doctor told me to remove trans fats...

Who knew removing my tumblr app would get me back to proper health?

A man goes to the doctor

After a few tests he says
Doc, I'm not feeling too good about my future health

The doctor says
Neither do I. Mercury is in Uranus after all

The man replies
What? I don't believe a doctor believes in that astrology stuff

Oh, not that answers the doctor. My thermometer broke

A Seventh Grade Health Class

was learning about pregnancy. Young Suzy asks her teacher, "Can my grandma get pregnant?" Her teacher replies that no, she can't, shes far too old. Suzy then asks if her fifty year old mother could get pregnant. Her teacher tells her no, shes a little too old for that. Suzy, puzzled, asks if she can get pregnant. Her teacher freaks out and tells her "Don't even think about it young lady, you're far too young!" Johnny pipes up from the back of class "See, I told you we had nothing to worry about!"

Not quite the same as turning water into wine but . . .

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting home-bound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a gasoline station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said,
'If it starts, I'm turning Catholic!!'

Why condoms come in packs of 3, 6 and 12!

A man walks into the pharmacy with his 8-year old son.

They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called Condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of
3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one
For Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, "two
For Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replies.

"Those are for married men, son. One for January, one for February, one for March..."

Hello and welcome to the mental health hotline..

If you are obsessive compulsive press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid we know who you are and what you want..stay on the line and we'll trace your call.

If you are delusional press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mothership.

If you are a nymphomaniac please stop doing that with the phone..

If you are schizophrenic listen carefully - a small voice will tell you which button to press.

A Hot Thai Nurse

After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate test on the National Health Service in the UK, a friend of mine decided to have his next test carried out while visiting Thailand where the beautiful nurses are rather more gentle and accommodating.


As usual he was asked to strip off, he lay naked on his side on the bed and the nurse began the examination.


"At this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection" said the nurse.


"I haven't got an erection" said the man.


"No, but I have" replied the nurse.

Recent research shows that horses tend to have much better mental health than other farm animals

Due to their stable environment

A man walks into a drug store with his 10-year old son...

They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called Condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.."

"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses these?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack.
With a sigh, the dad replied,

"Those are for married men…
One for January, one for February, one For March......."

My doctor said I am the picture of health

The before picture

A woman pregnant with triplets gets shot

with three bullets to her womb. Miraculously she and all her children survived. However, a bullet had embedded in each of the three children. The doctor decided it would be best to leave the bullets. A few months later she gives birth to two beautiful daughters and a son, with no health complication.

~~~13 years later ~~~

The mother had decided that it would be best for the children if she never told them about the shooting. One day when one of her daughters was using the washroom she peed out the bullet. She freaked out and ran to her mother, "Mom, mom I was just using the washroom and I peed out a bullet, what is going on?!" And the mom decided it was time to come clean. "I was shot 13 years ago, and a bullet has embedded in you and your brother and sister..." A few days later her other daughter comes running "Mom, mom I was just using the washroom and I peed out a bullet, what is going on?!" and the mother responded "I was shot 13 years ago, and a bullet has embedded in you and your brother and sister..." A few days, not to the mothers surprise her son came running "Mom, mom..." "Wait, let me guess , interrupted the mother, you were using the washroom and you peed out a bullet?" "No, I was jerking off and I shot the dog!"

A duck walks into a bar, hops up on the bar, waddles down to the bartender, and asks...

... "Got any quackers?"

The barman looked at the duck for a second, then said "No, Besides, you're a duck. It's a health code violation for you to be in here, so get out before I call animal control."

The duck leaves, but comes back the next day. Same situation: "Got any quackers?"

"Look you stupid feathered, I told you yesterday that I don't have any, and you need to leave. If you come back again, I'm going to nail your bill to the bar."

The duck comes back the next day and approaches the bartender.

Duck: "Got any nails?"

Barkeep: "Uh, no."

Duck: "Got any quackers?"

A preacher…

…was asked to give a talk at a woman's health symposium. His wife asked about the topic, but he was too embarrassed to admit that he had been asked to speak about sex. Thinking quickly, he replied, "I'm talking about sailing."

"Oh, that's nice," said his wife.

The next day, at the grocery store, a young woman who had attended the lecture recognized the minister's wife.

"That was certainly an excellent talk your husband gave yesterday," she said. "He really has a unique perspective on the subject."

Somewhat surprised, the minister's wife replied, "Gee, funny you should think so. I mean, he's only done it twice. The first time he threw up, and the second time his hat blew off."

How to make Health jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Health to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Health? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Health pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes