Health Jokes
166 health jokes and hilarious health puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about health that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Looking for a fun way to lift your spirits and get a giggle? Check out these hilarious health-related jokes! Perfect for health care professionals, health and safety experts, health insurance agents, nutritionists and more, these jokes cover everything from hygiene to mental health to nutrition. Get a few laughs during your health class or just while you're out exploring health food options.
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Funniest Health Short Jokes
Short health jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The health humour may include short fitness jokes also.
- Birthdays are good for your health Studies have shown that people with more birthdays live longer.
- American kid: Mommy, what's a "Canadian"? Well, dear, that's an unarmed citizen with health insurance.
- The doctor said I should stop eating meat immediately for health reasons... I asked if I had to quit cold turkey.
- You're saying that the two people I don't want for president, one is in poor health? I'm voting for the dying one.
- I asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight... to fulfill my fantasy that we have health care
- The World Health Organization has officially announced that dogs are not able to contract COVID-19 and have released them all from quarantine. It's safe to say that WHO let the dogs out.
- I failed my Health and safety Test today apparently when they ask what steps you should take in case of a fire, large ones was not the correct answer
- What kind of table is good for your health? A vegetable!
This joke was made by adorable 8-year-old niece!
It wasn't. It was made by a 27 year old. Me. It was made by me. - Food Coma…. A health forum speaker asks, Which food causes extreme suffering for years after eating it.
After a long silence, an old man answered,
Wedding Cake ……. - My dad works for a company that focuses on the health of the lower 3/4 of the body, and yesterday he just became the CEO. Now he's the Head of Shoulders, Knees, and Toes!
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Health One Liners
Which health one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with health? I can suggest the ones about medical and hospital.
- For health reasons, my doctor says I should avoid trans fats I'm gonna miss tumblr
- What does dark humor and health care have in common? Not everyone gets it...
- I used to think that alcohol was bad to my health So i quit thinking.
- Did you hear about the haunted health food store? Everything is super-natural.
- Health insurance is rare for exotic dancers. Most strippers have little or no coverage.
- I started doing lunges this year for my health I think it's a big step forwards.
- I've lived on Mars for years However, only eating chocolate has taken a toll on my health
- What's not 50% off today? Health insurance
- Why do ghosts love health food Because it's super natural
- What do you call adolescents who are into health and fitness? Proteens
- My doctor said I am the picture of health The before picture
- What do you call a health conscious cannibal? A humanitarian
- What do you call a horse with good mental health? Stable
- Why don't snails use the internet? Salt is bad for their health.
- Why did the robot see a psychiatrist? Because he had metal health problems...
Mental Health Jokes
Here is a list of funny mental health jokes and even better mental health puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Recent research shows that horses tend to have much better mental health than other farm animals Due to their stable environment
- Hi, I'm a mental health therapist helping people to be more at peace with their lives. Check out my Instagram! I'm a content creator.
- The new Joker went to see a doctor for his mental health, but didn't make an appointment. It was a Joaquin.
- What do you call the Mental Health class at Hogwarts? Defence against the Dark Thoughts.
- Apparently people who exercise have been shown to recover better and be less at risk from mental health issues... So who said you can't run away from your problems.
- Why is crushing pop cans taxing on one's mental health? Because it's soda pressing.
- My pronouns are Rare/Medium Rare. And if you don't use these, my feelings and mental health is at steak...
- In a bid to entice republicans, Biden vows to pick up right where Reagan left off... With rapidly detiorating mental health.
- My mental health is like a rainbow All over the spectrum
- I have a weird mental health issue where I have to get out and pull my car every time I go through a tunnel. It's car-pull tunnel syndrome.
Health Wellness Jokes
Here is a list of funny health wellness jokes and even better health wellness puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- It's good that it's called 'public health England' (PHE) Because 'public health Uk' wouldn't work so well
- Donald trump said he cares more about the health and safety of the American public than he does about money. Well *I* laughed when he said it.
- So a farmer goes to the doctor... And the doctor says, "I need to talk to you about your overall health." and the farmer says, "Well my overalls are just fine thanks you!".
- A original joke. Did you know that cardi B has a famous cousin who's well known in the health department?
Her name is cardi O - Your mom is so far That we're very concerned about her well-being and health. Is everything ok at home?
- My bed wasn't feeling well this morning, so I had to stay home to take care of it.
- Man: "When I bend my arm like this it hurts?"
Doctor: "Well, stop doing it!" - My mom drinks Diet Coke despite knowing full well of the repercussions to her health. You might say she's a sodamasochist.
Health Insurance Jokes
Here is a list of funny health insurance jokes and even better health insurance puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Did you hear they're remaking the show, 6 Million Dollar Man? It used to be about an enhanced human. Now it's just a story about a guy who visits the ER without health insurance.
- Why doesn't the United States have universal healthcare? Because paying for health insurance should give a sense of pride and accomplishment
- A really hot gal in my apartment complex said she wanted us to be "friends with benefits" Does anyone know where I can get a group health insurance plan?
- I texted my mom at 5am telling her trump won, she asked why I was up so early. I told her "I don't know. Maybe the sound of my health insurance flying away woke me up."
- A health insurance company is offering a cheaper deal to anyone who ticks a box that says they promise not to eat shellfish. They call it their No Clams Bonus.
- What kind of health insurance does a llama need? Ollamacare
- What's it called when you're still on your mom's health insurance? Yomamacare
- I can't believe the way they used the Childrens Health Insurance Program during the budget debate... It was like a bargaining CHIP.
- I used to look both ways before I crossed the street... then I got health insurance.
- Canadian Defenition Canadian (noun):
An unarmed american with health insurance
Health Care Jokes
Here is a list of funny health care jokes and even better health care puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- The 40 year old health care worker who cares for newborns started questioning her career choices, then flipped out and left town I guess she was having a midwife crisis
- This is 40 Questioning her career choices, a 40-year old health care worker who treated pregnant women bough a bright red convertible and skipped town. She was having a midwife crisis.
- You should not vaccinate your children. Get a health care professional to do it.
- A microbiologist quit caring about his own health. He started gaining a lot of weight. He's a biologist now.
- Don't worry about losing health care under the Trump administration We won't need it after the EPA starts restricting oxygen
- The World Health Organization has your best interests in mind.... WHO cares
- Today our leaders closed of the southern border preventing people from coming to our country for a better life a better education and much needed health care! As a Canadian I am outraged!
- The tagline of World Health Organization WHO cares!
- Health care is too expensive, I went to the hospital for complications from my diabetes And It cost me an arm and a leg.
- An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but.... Unaffordable health care keeps them at bay.
Health And Safety Jokes
Here is a list of funny health and safety jokes and even better health and safety puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Im currently doing my dissertation on the safety of a new handheld device for the world health organisation New phone WHO diss
- I forgot my hard hat when I went to the building site... Health and safety came down on me like a tonne of bricks.
- What R&B singer works for the Occupational Safety and Health Organization? Billy OSHA
- Health and Safety, that's a minefield but don't tell them.
Hilarious Fun Health Jokes That Will Have You Rolling with Laughter
What funny jokes about health you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean nutrition jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make health pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Fire safety
I was at the Senior Center today and failed a Health and Safety course that was put on for us old folks...
One of the questions was: "In the event of a fire, what steps
would you take?"
"f**...' big ones" was apparently the wrong answer.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Health Class
Three boys received their grades from their s**... education instructor. One got a D+, the second a D- and the third an F.
"One day we should get her for this," said the first boy.
"I agree. But what should we do?" said the second.
"I've got it!" said the third. "We can kick her in the nuts!"
If I die...
If I were to die first, would you remarry?" the wife asks.
"Well," says the husband, "I'm in good health, so why not?"
"Would she live in my house?"
"It's all paid up, so yes."
"Would she drive my car?"
"It's new, so yes."
"Would she use my golf clubs?"
"No. She's left-handed."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I like my health care like I like my h**...
Cheap, and accepting of all preexisting conditions...as far as I'm aware I just made this up, be gentle
A recently conducted study reveals...
Birthdays are good for health
people with more birthdays were found to have lived longer
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Final exam
My psychology professor wrapped up the class and dicussed the final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up, barring a health trauma or death in the immediate family. My friend Johnny smirked and asked, "What about extreme s**... exhaustion?"
After the chuckling died down, the professor replied, "Nope, you can use your other hand to write."
There once was a woman who had 100 children....
She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety.
Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and never told their mother afraid she would kick the dog out . In fact they never told anyone. To keep from arousing any suspicions they named the dog "This" so the name could be used in conversation.
One day This ran away. They never saw This again. No one else knew about This. No one even knew a dog named This existed.
Only Ninety's kids will remember This.
Hello, welcome to the mental health hotline.
If you are Obsessive Compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are codependant, have someone press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5,6. If you are paranoid, we know which one you want.
Do you know why consuming ants is good for your health?
It's because they have anty-bodies!
Whilst in America, my son and I went shopping in Wal-mart. I asked the cashier if they had any Kinder eggs.
"Oh no, sir, we don't sell them in the States - they are a health hazard!"
"Okay," I replied. "I'll just take these two assault rifles then."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Now that I'm almost 30, there is nothing more s**... to me, than a girl who is fully covered...
...By her health insurance provider.
The World Health Organization has stated that eating bacon increases your chances of getting cancer.
Statistics also show that not eating bacon dramatically increases your chances of blowing yourself up.
Husband in coma
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"
"What dear?" She asked gently.
"I think you bring me bad luck."
My doctor said the best thing I could do for my health was to go outside more. He told me to pick a fun outdoor hobby to motivate me to get out of the house.
So I started smoking.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
News from the s**... health clinic
A friend of mine received news from the s**... health clinic, he opened the letter and gleefully shouted "high five!". Relieved I took a look at the letter, dont know how I'm going to tell him that it's pronounced H.I.V
42! 42! 42!
A man Is walking past a mental health building, he can hear the patients in a yard shouting " ", not being able to see over the high walls, he finds a hole in the wall, as he looks through, a Finger pokes his eye. "43! 43! 43!" The yard shouts!
What's brown and very bad for your dental health?
A baseball bat.
Love him or hate him at least President Trump is raising awareness of one of the greatest challenges facing America.....
....Mental Health. 'Cause either that dude is crazy or I am and my best guess is before all this is said and done we're all going to need a little therapy.
Smoking seriously harms you and others around you
So smoke casually for the sake of public health
'Knock knock'
'Who's there'
'Okay Google'
'Okay Google, who?'
'Sorry I didn't catch that'
'OKAY GOOGLE WHO?'
'The World Health Organization is a specialized agency of the United Nations that is concerned with international public health. It was established on 7 April 1948, headquartered in Geneva, Switzerland. '
The Perfect Man
So one day, a man is sitting at work with his co-worker:
Man: I'm really happy with life right now. Kids are doing great in school, wife loves me and puts out every night, and my doctor says I'm the picture of perfect health.
Co-worker: Wow! That sounds so great! Is there anything wrong with you?
Man: Well my therapist says I'm a compulsive liar, but what does she know?
Depression in Mexico
There are been a sharp increase in depression in Mexico since Trump got into office on the platform of building a wall between the two countries.
Leading mental health experts have said that sadly many Mexicans will never get over it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"Gymnasium" in ancient Greek means "n**... exercise"…
…but try telling that to the receptionist at the health club…
My doctor told me to remove trans fats...
Who knew removing my tumblr app would get me back to proper health?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The one about the Pakistani Mental Health Hotline
*Hotline*: Pakistani Mental Health Hotline, how can I help you?
*Caller*: My life s**..., I see no way out.
*Hotline*: Do not worry, we are here to help you.
*Caller*: I'm feeling suicidal. What should I do?
*Hotline*: How close are you to India?
*Caller*: Don't know exactly, maybe 400km.
*Hotline*: So can you drive a truck?
Everyone is concerned about Trump's health after he posted an incomprehensible tweet about his covfefe
But don't worry. Dr. Hufghfufu just assured the media that he's agvofofi.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Did you hear about the doctor who sent a group of crows to a mental health institution?
He committed a m**....
Britain's oldest woman turned 114 today
When asked the secret of her longevity, she attributed it to taking a walk at midnight every night. When quizzed on whether she was concerned about the increase in muggings in recent years, she said that she was not, and would continue mugging people as long as her health holds out.
A slightly overweight transgendered person walks into a health food store
the manager instantly runs up and tells her to leave the store, "why?" she asks confusedly, the manager points angrily at a sign on the door
"No trans fats"
(I dont mean to offend anyone, I just heard this from a trans friend.)
A video game character walks into a health bar...
... and he remarks "that's the fourth wall I've walked into today!"
Blonde childbirth
It's a blonde who gave birth to two beautiful babies, twins, however, she cries endlessly!
The nurse then tells him:
"But see madame! Why are you crying ? You are now mother of 2 beautiful babies, in good health!
- I know, says the blonde, but I do not know who is the father of the second!
Cigarette packets says smoking kills so I stopped smoking them
I just smoke the ones that seriously damage health instead
I have a really healthy sleep schedule. I sleep at least eight hours a day
And at least ten a night.
Things have gotten so bad in The US that during the last parade they surrounded Donald Trump with bullet proof glass.
Just because he's a White guy with mental health issues doesn't mean he's gonna start shooting up the crowd
What's it like to be drunk?
A boy was riding home from school with his dad. He had just started learning about alcohol and drinking in his health class.
"Dad, when you're drinking how do you know you're drunk?"
"Well son, when you're drunk your speech is slurred and your vision gets worse and worse. A drunk person would see 4 cars in front of us and not 2."
"But Dad, there's only 1 car in front of us!"
I have this problem where I hallucinate different types of health professionals,
So I'm seeing a psychologist
My health science teacher told me to write a 1,000 word essay on drugs
The paper became a taco and the floor was melting.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you say to a 20 year old with no legs, one eye and no health insurance?
Thank you for your service
Some people say that leafy greens are the best thing for colon health
But I think fiber makes a solid number two.
I lost 5 pounds. That's good for your health!
The colombians disagree.
My friend travels from town to town giving seminars on the health benefits of eating dried grapes.
He is just out there, raisin awareness.
A man went to the hospital to visit his mother-in-law, who was in serious condition. On the way back the wife, very worried, asks: "So, honey? How's my mom doing?"
He replies: "She looks great! She is in good health! She will still live for many years! Next week she will be released from the hospital and will come and live with us, forever!"
"Wow that's amazing!" - says the wife - "But this is very strange, dear... yesterday she seemed to be on her deathbed, the doctors said she should have a few days to live!"
"Well, I don't know how she was yesterday" - he replied - "But today when I arrived at the hospital, the doctor told me that we should prepare for the worst"
The secret of long life
A young man met a cowboy who was 104, still active and in good health. He asked the old-timer what the secret was to his longevity.
The old man said, "You gotta sprinkle a little gunpowder on your oatmeal every morning see. If you do, you'll live to a nice, ripe old age."
So the young man did this religiously every day for the rest of his life, and sure enough, lived to the age of 100.
When he died he left behind 6 children, 10 grandchildren, 56 great-grandchildren...and a 16 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
Healthy German
What did the health conscious german say, when he entered Whole Foods?
Gluten Morgen
PS: First time posting an original.
I feel bad for current college students...
Back when I was in school, our national health emergency was caused by drinking Four Lokos.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with asbestos
My grandfather worked around asbestos for 60 years and never developed any health issues. It did take 3 straight days to cremate him, but that's besides the point.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A nurse had s**... with the health minister to get a COVID-19 vaccine.
When asked why she did it, she said "It was worth a shot."
I went to join a health club today and saw a sign on its door that said 'Look better in 10 days or your money back.' I then wrote out a check and handed it over to the girl at the front desk.
The girl looked at me and said, Keep it. We're gonna mail it back to you anyways.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I've been doing my psychology PhD thesis on the mental health and wellbeing of little people. After 4 long years and multiple studies, I've concluded...
6 out of 7 dwarves aren't Happy.
The Mandalorian fell on hard times and had to take a job in a body building and health food shop. Turns out he was unexpectedly great at it and smashed the commission targets. He'd just direct people to the protein powder section, and say...
..."This is the whey"
(Sorry)
I was telling my children about the health benefits of eating dried fruits recently
It's really all about raisin awareness.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
m**... is perfectly normal and healthy . it releases dopamine and reduces stress . improves prostate and cardiovascular health ...
and i still got thrown off the bus
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A 45 year old woman arrives home from her doctor's exam, just gleaming with happiness.
Her husband, being a grump, asked: What's got you so happy!?
The woman says, The doctor said I am in great health. He was also impressed and said I have the b**... of a 20 year old!!
The husband scoffs.
Then asked, Really? And what did he say about your 50 year old a**...!?
She responds, I don't know. He never asked about you.
Long term pain
During a congress about health care, the speaker asks:
"which food causes extreme suffering, even after years of being eaten?"
After a long silence an elderly raises his hand and replies "A WEDDING CAKE"
The secret to a long life.
Everyone asked a 100 year-old man for his health secrets:
The old man said: I'll tell you you a secret.
I've been married for 75 years. Promised my wife when we got married that when two people quarrel, the loser has to walk for 5 kilometers.
I've been walking 5 kilometers everyday for 75 years!
Everyone asked again: But how come your wife's very healthy as well?
The old man answered: I'll tell you another secret: she'd been following me to make sure I really finish the 5 kilometers!
Everyone asked a 100 year-old man for his health secrets:
The old man said: I'll tell you you a secret. I've been married for 75 years.
Promised my wife when we got married that when two people quarrel, the loser has to walk for 5 kilometers. I've been walking 5 kilometers everyday for 75 years!
Everyone asked again: But how come your wife's very healthy as well?
The old man answered: I'll tell you another secret: she'd been following me to make sure I really finish the 5 kilometers!
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.
When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he said, You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side… You know what?
What dear? She asked gently.
I think you bring me bad luck.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Basic Psychology
The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an o**... test. Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"
A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The benefits of F***ing
1.F***ing once a week is good for your health, but it's harmful if done every day.
2. F***ing relaxes your mind and body.
3. F***ing refreshes you.
4. After F***ing, don't eat too much; go for more liquids.
5. Try F***ing in bed 'cause it can save you valuable energy.
6. F***ing can even reduce your cholesterol levels.
SO, REMEMBER ..
Fasting is good for your health
