Heal Jokes
105 heal jokes and hilarious heal puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about heal that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Heal Short Jokes
Short heal jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The heal humour may include short cure jokes also.
- What would you call someone with the power to heal others but chooses to be evil? The American Healthcare System
- If you cross your fingers after surgery you'll heal faster Or maybe that's just super stichin'
- Why are helium, curium, and barium known as the healing elements? Because if you can't helium.
Or curium.
You gotta barium. - A man walks up to Jesus. I hear you healing the blind. What's the catch? Jesus turns away, cackling. You'll see! YOU'LL ALL SEE!
- I told my suicidal friend that time heals all wounds, and he agreed with me. His body was later found at the bottom of Big Ben.
- A man fighting a war finds an ancient lance capable of healing wounds rather than creating them. He names the weapon "Ambu-lance"
- Did you hear that the televangelist got himself a puppy? He taught it how to beg and heal.
- It is mean to make fun of Trump for using both hands to drink coz of his injury He touched The Bible a few weeks ago and the injury hasn't healed yet.
- My dog has to wear this cone till he heals from surgery. It helps with the biting, but the barking? He sounds like a sub-whoofer.
- Working for Jesus would be terrible. One day, one of Jesus' disciples walked up to him to ask for a sick leave, and He replied "and you are healed."
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Heal One Liners
Which heal one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with heal? I can suggest the ones about repair and get better.
- What's the best herbal remedy for cuts and scrapes? Thyme. It heals all wounds
- What do you use to heal cuts in the matrix? Neo-sporin
- Our divine caster lost track of his healing spells. It was a clerical error.
- The herb with the most medicinal properties is Thyme... It heals all wounds.
- You know what they say about herbal medicine... Thyme heals all wounds.
- What makes Mercy such a good medic? It must be her high heals.
- If you break your leg... put some herbs on it. I mean, thyme heals all wounds.
- Baby, give me that couch.. .. cause I need some sectional healing!
- Herbal Doctors, someone should tell them Thyme Doesn't heal all wounds.
- If your hands aren't healing... Take matter into your own hands
- They say that time heals all wounds... But what if you get hit in the head with a clock?
- What do you call an Egyptian test administrator who heals back pain? A Cairo-Proctor!
- Viper is also a God's creature Said Jesus after healing Peter's mother-in-law.
- [nsfw] How does Jaime Lannister heal Cercei? Elixer
- Why did the doctor float away after healing Liam Neeson He became Heal-Liam
Cheeky Heal Jokes that Will Make You and Your Friends Chuckle
What funny jokes about heal you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean feel better jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make heal pranks.
A man went with his wife on honeymoon and they were getting undressed together for the first time.
The man took off his shoes and socks and his toes were all twisted and discolored.
"What happened to your feet?" his wife asked.
"I had a childhood disease called Tolio."
"Don't you mean polio?"
"No, tolio, it only affects the toes."
Men then removed his pants and revealed an awful-looking pair of knees.
"What happened to your knees?" she asked.
"Well, I also had Kneesles."
"Don't you mean measles?"
"No, kneesles, it only affects the knees."
When he removed his shorts, his wife gasped and said, "Don't tell me, you also had Smallcox!"
The wife told me to talk to her like she was special the other day.
So I said, "gooooo ... annddd ... makkee ... meeee ... a ... cuuuppp ... offffff ... coofffeeeeeee ..."
Some members of a health club were having their first meeting.
The director of the group said, "Now, I’d like each of you to give the facts of your daily routine."
Several people spoke, admitting their excesses, and then one obviously overweight members said, "I eat moderately, I drink moderately, and I exercise frequently."
"Hmm?" said the manager. "And are you sure you having nothing else to add?"
"Well, yes," said the member. "I lie extensively."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Yo' Mama is so s**..., her c**... ride dune buggies.
„And, Johnny? How did your school report turn out?" asks mother.
„Come on mom, the most important thing is that I'm healthy!"
Q: Why was the lesbian sick?
A: She was lacking vitamin D.
Q: Why is it that so many lawyers have broken noses?
A: From chasing parked ambulances.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and my flawless dance moves.
The nose drops „Big smeller" – let´s have a blow-out.
If you are ill, so lie down and you'll walk it sooner loose.
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
A healthy male organism is the one, which wakes up in the morning before the man.
Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking out of the box.
Sometimes I shoot off at the mouth but I have turrets syndrome.
Lately I've been trying to touch my toes, which I don't find so complicated, but my knees just can't get it straight.
I don't engage in mental combat with the unarmed.
In politics, absurdity is not a handicap.
I got a job in a health club, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
My bed wasn't feeling well this morning, so I had to stay home to take care of it.
I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I've never looked back since.
When I read about the dangers of smoking I sworn wouldn't buy any newspaper!
Health care is too expensive, I went to the hospital for complications from my diabetes
And It cost me an arm and a leg.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Health Class
Three boys received their grades from their s**... education instructor. One got a D+, the second a D- and the third an F.
"One day we should get her for this," said the first boy.
"I agree. But what should we do?" said the second.
"I've got it!" said the third. "We can kick her in the nuts!"
Trying to be healthier, so I found a list of 10 foods I love that fight disease...
Too bad all of them were only good for fighting starvation.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I like my health care like I like my h**...
Cheap, and accepting of all preexisting conditions...as far as I'm aware I just made this up, be gentle
How does Jimmy Carter heal his wounds by looking at them?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
HEALTHY v**...
Q: What's the definition of a healthy v**...?
A: "One who has never been bed-ridden!"
Healthcare Costs in America
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Chai Tea
My wife just got back from Tai Chi class. She brewed a p**... of Chai Tea. I told here it tasted pretty s**......
The bruises will heal soon.
For health reasons, my doctor says I should avoid trans fats
I'm gonna miss tumblr
What is the healthiest thing about American food?
The packaging ;)
What's the healthiest cuisine?
Vitaminese food.
Health insurance is rare for exotic dancers.
Most strippers have little or no coverage.
I went to the health clinic the other day...
My doctor said I weighed 483 pounds but I shouldn't worry about it because we are in the UK
Who's the healthiest member of the Army?
General Wellbeing
I had a health scare recently...
My doctor said I had arthritis, I has so shocked I couldn't move a muscle... atleast I think that's the reason.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A blind man asks Jesus to heal him
"Behold. I will heal your blindness," Jesus says, "and thy m**... shall cease."
"Is m**... a sin? Is it the cause of my blindness?" asks the old man.
Jesus replied, "No, m**... is not a sin, but I'm tryiing to do an eye exam here."
Dancing wizard and a blistered foot.
What spell does a dancing wizard cast on a blistered foot?
Heal Toe!!
What healthcare program is offered to the citizens of Pakistan?
OsamaCare... It's the bomb.
Why have U.S. healthcare providers embargoed the entire team behind the "The Land Before Time" movie series?
Because they don't cover pre-existing conditions.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Health food doesn't make you live longer.
It just makes it **seem** longer.
Why can't my master understand that I am just a Labrador and not Jesus?
He keeps telling me to heal.
What does a healthy dish and a good joke have in common?
Amy Schumer has never had any of them
What do you do when health nut shows up to your house?
You vitamin.
I have a really healthy sleep schedule. I sleep at least eight hours a day
And at least ten a night.
What does a healthy zombie eat?
Vegans
What's the healthiest part of a donut?
The middle.
What health ailment do elderly frogs suffer from?
Ribbit-toad arthritis
I'll see myself out...
The Pope goes to Washington DC.
He's there to cure the sick, heal the masses, and all those Pope type things he does.
Donald Trump comes up to him and says, "Please Your Holiness, can you help me with my hearing?"
The pope then placed his hands over Trump's ears and blessed him.
"Well that's all well and good," said Trump, "but my impeachment hearing's not till next month."
How does a healthy person cure someone with flu?
by coughing on them.
I'm so healthy, I eat lots of greens
the lettuce was green
the potato was green
the meat was green
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
When a healthy m**... dies of Cancer young.
You don't feel so bad for living up life and out living him.
Healthcare is the least communist this possible
Because communism kills people and healthcare saves people.
I wonder why thyme isn't used in medicine.
It's supposed to heal all wounds.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Your mama so fat...
...that she takes two c**... j**... to heal.
I used to be healthy, but...
I just don't kale anymore.
The health benefits of vaping
Ever since I started vaping, my wife has been getting a lot less cigarette burns.
My health science teacher told me to write a 1,000 word essay on drugs
The paper became a taco and the floor was melting.
How many pain killers does it take to heal a Tape?
5 Per Cassette.
Haven't done any healthy activities during quarantine but still managed to stay in shape..
Unfortunately, the shape is potato.
A new health-tracking service is keeping flab at bay during this lockdown.
Fatbit
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
In health a cop asked what to do if your brother was smoking w**... while the parents left the house
I responded hide the snacks (he started cracking up)
How do you get a Health Practitioner to visit you?
You in-vitamin
My health insurance lapsed, and my doctor amputated my leg
Now I don't have a leg to stand on
The healing river
People heard about a healing river and the stories about its powers and so they gathered to see it with their own eyes. A lady with a sick child in her arms goes into the water on one shore and comes out at the other, the child now smiling and completely healthy. A blind man goes in and comes out seeing. Everybody is stunned. Another guy in a wheelchair goes in on one shore and comes out at the other with new rims.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My mutant power
professor x: Whats your mutant power
me: I can guess how many pulls to turn a ceiling fan off on the first try [points up] two pulls
professor x: [Stands up and pulls twice] not bad, but not a power
me: I'm kidding i can heal paraplegics
professor x: [Still standing] holy s**...
Healthy German
What did the health conscious german say, when he entered Whole Foods?
Gluten Morgen
PS: First time posting an original.
A healing priest is in the process of a miracle
Priest: Stand up!
(The man slowly stands up)
Priest: Now walk my child walk!!!
(The man slowly started walking and the crowd was shocked)
The priest then gave the microphone to the man.
Priest: Now what can you say upon this miracle of God!!??
Man: I still can't see
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Can you beat my top 3 Polish jokes?
>What's long and hard that a Polish bride gets on her wedding night?
A new last name
>Did you hear about the Polish carpool?
They meet at work in the morning
>Did you heal about the Polish t**... that tried to blow up the bus?
He burnt his lips on the exhaust pipe
What is the No. 1 health risk for vegans?
....
Telling other people they are vegans
A health insurance company is offering a cheaper deal to anyone who ticks a box that says they promise not to eat shellfish.
They call it their No Clams Bonus.
Professor X asks a girl, "what is your mutant power?"
Girl replies: "I can guess how many pulls to turn a ceiling fan off on the first try!"
She points up and says: "3 pulls"
Professor X stands up and pulls 3 times. After the third pull the fan turns off.
Professor X: "Yeah thats cool and all, but not really a super power..."
Girl: "Yeah I was jut kidding, I can heal paraplegics"
Professor X, still standing: "Oh my god"
Professor X asks a girl, "what is your mutant power?"
Girl replies: "I can guess how many pulls to turn a ceiling fan off on the first try!"
She points up and says: "3 pulls"
Professor X stands up and pulls 3 times. After the third pull the fan turns off.
Professor X: "Yeah that's cool and all, but not really a super power..."
Girl: "Yeah I was jut kidding, I can heal paraplegics"
Professor X, still standing: "OH. MY. GODDD !!!!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I'm trying to build interest for my new children's book
It's about a v**... whose tail hurts, and each page after the introduction is a new animal trying to help her heal or deal with the pain. Sadly, every publisher I've contacted has rejected the manuscript outright.
I'm not giving up, though. "For Fox' ache" will find it's audience someday.
If you think a healthy relationship could ever arise out of an arranged wedding...
... then I have a Bridget to sell you.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the difference between a mega church pastor and a crazed marine carrying a b**... plug covered in superglue?
One wants to heal your soul for money.
The other wants to seal your hole for Gunny.
A healthy marriage is built on a strong foundation
That is why my marriage is on the rocks
