Heal Jokes

The wife told me to talk to her like she was special the other day.

So I said, "gooooo ... annddd ... makkee ... meeee ... a ... cuuuppp ... offffff ... coofffeeeeeee ..."

Some members of a health club were having their first meeting.

The director of the group said, "Now, I’d like each of you to give the facts of your daily routine."

Several people spoke, admitting their excesses, and then one obviously overweight members said, "I eat moderately, I drink moderately, and I exercise frequently."

"Hmm?" said the manager. "And are you sure you having nothing else to add?"

"Well, yes," said the member. "I lie extensively."

Q: Why is it that so many lawyers have broken noses?

A: From chasing parked ambulances.

A healthy male organism is the one, which wakes up in the morning before the man.

My girlfriend left me because she couldn't handle my OCD.

I told her to close the door five times on her way out.

Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking out of the box.

Health care is too expensive, I went to the hospital for complications from my diabetes

And It cost me an arm and a leg.

Not for your health.

A man walks into the doctor's office for his annual check up. The doctor starts to look him over and says, "you need to stop m**..."

The man looks up at the doctor concerned and asks, "why?"

And the doctor replies, "because i'm trying to examine you."

Health Class

Three boys received their grades from their s**... education instructor. One got a D+, the second a D- and the third an F.

"One day we should get her for this," said the first boy.

"I agree. But what should we do?" said the second.

"I've got it!" said the third. "We can kick her in the nuts!"

Trying to be healthier, so I found a list of 10 foods I love that fight disease...

Too bad all of them were only good for fighting starvation.

I like my health care like I like my h**... (oc)

Cheap, and accepting of all preexisting conditions...as far as I'm aware I just made this up, be gentle

Healthcare Costs in America

Chai Tea

My wife just got back from Tai Chi class. She brewed a p**... of Chai Tea. I told here it tasted pretty s**......

The bruises will heal soon.

Herbal Doctors,

someone should tell them Thyme Doesn't heal all wounds.

For health reasons, my doctor says I should avoid trans fats

I'm gonna miss tumblr

What's the healthiest cuisine?

Vitaminese food.

Health insurance is rare for exotic dancers.

Most strippers have little or no coverage.

I went to the health clinic the other day...

My doctor said I weighed 483 pounds but I shouldn't worry about it because we are in the UK

Who's the healthiest member of the Army?

General Wellbeing

A blind man asks Jesus to heal him

"Behold. I will heal your blindness," Jesus says, "and thy m**... shall cease."

"Is m**... a sin? Is it the cause of my blindness?" asks the old man.

Jesus replied, "No, m**... is not a sin, but I'm tryiing to do an eye exam here."

If you cross your fingers after surgery you'll heal faster

Or maybe that's just super stichin'

What do health conscious zombies eat?

GRAAAINS!!!

What healthcare program is offered to the citizens of Pakistan?

OsamaCare... It's the bomb.

Why have U.S. healthcare providers embargoed the entire team behind the "The Land Before Time" movie series?

Because they don't cover pre-existing conditions.

Health food doesn't make you live longer.

It just makes it **seem** longer.

[nsfw] How does Jaime Lannister heal Cercei?

Elixer

What does a healthy dish and a good joke have in common?

Amy Schumer has never had any of them

What do you do when health nut shows up to your house?

You vitamin.

What do you use to heal cuts in the matrix?

Neo-sporin

I have a really healthy sleep schedule. I sleep at least eight hours a day

And at least ten a night.

What does a healthy zombie eat?

Vegans

I have the power to heal others. I am a villain. Who am I?

The American healthcare system.

A man goes to see his priest about his hearing...

The priest calls on the congregation for an all night extensive prayer session. They pray and sing and ask God to heal the man's hearing. Quite tired from the all night Affair, the priest visits the man the next day. Did our prayers help your hearing he asked? Oh no, the man said the hearing is not until next week.

What's the healthiest part of a donut?

The middle.

What health ailment do elderly frogs suffer from?

Ribbit-toad arthritis

I'll see myself out...

The Pope goes to Washington DC.

He's there to cure the sick, heal the masses, and all those Pope type things he does.

Donald Trump comes up to him and says, "Please Your Holiness, can you help me with my hearing?"

The pope then placed his hands over Trump's ears and blessed him.

"Well that's all well and good," said Trump, "but my impeachment hearing's not till next month."

Me: Doctor, will I be able to play the piano once my arms heal again?

Doctor: Yes

Me: Oh that's amazing, I didn't know how to play before

What's a Health Club Trainer's job?

Making, JERKS BEEFY!

The health benefits of vaping

Ever since I started vaping, my wife has been getting a lot less cigarette burns.

My health science teacher told me to write a 1,000 word essay on drugs

The paper became a taco and the floor was melting.

Haven't done any healthy activities during quarantine but still managed to stay in shape..

Unfortunately, the shape is potato.

In health a cop asked what to do if your brother was smoking w**... while the parents left the house

I responded hide the snacks (he started cracking up)

My health insurance lapsed, and my doctor amputated my leg

Now I don't have a leg to stand on

The healing river

People heard about a healing river and the stories about its powers and so they gathered to see it with their own eyes. A lady with a sick child in her arms goes into the water on one shore and comes out at the other, the child now smiling and completely healthy. A blind man goes in and comes out seeing. Everybody is stunned. Another guy in a wheelchair goes in on one shore and comes out at the other with new rims.

My mutant power

professor x: Whats your mutant power

me: I can guess how many pulls to turn a ceiling fan off on the first try [points up] two pulls

professor x: [Stands up and pulls twice] not bad, but not a power

me: I'm kidding i can heal paraplegics

professor x: [Still standing] holy s**...

Healthy German

What did the health conscious german say, when he entered Whole Foods?

Gluten Morgen

PS: First time posting an original.

A healing priest is in the process of a miracle

Priest: Stand up!

(The man slowly stands up)

Priest: Now walk my child walk!!!

(The man slowly started walking and the crowd was shocked)

The priest then gave the microphone to the man.

Priest: Now what can you say upon this miracle of God!!??

Man: I still can't see

Can you beat my top 3 Polish jokes?

>What's long and hard that a Polish bride gets on her wedding night?

A new last name

>Did you hear about the Polish carpool?

They meet at work in the morning

>Did you heal about the Polish t**... that tried to blow up the bus?

He burnt his lips on the exhaust pipe

What is the No. 1 health risk for vegans?

....


Telling other people they are vegans

A health insurance company is offering a cheaper deal to anyone who ticks a box that says they promise not to eat shellfish.

They call it their No Clams Bonus.

Professor X asks a girl, "what is your mutant power?"

Girl replies: "I can guess how many pulls to turn a ceiling fan off on the first try!"

She points up and says: "3 pulls"

Professor X stands up and pulls 3 times. After the third pull the fan turns off.

Professor X: "Yeah thats cool and all, but not really a super power..."

Girl: "Yeah I was jut kidding, I can heal paraplegics"

Professor X, still standing: "Oh my god"

Professor X asks a girl, "what is your mutant power?"

Girl replies: "I can guess how many pulls to turn a ceiling fan off on the first try!"

She points up and says: "3 pulls"

Professor X stands up and pulls 3 times. After the third pull the fan turns off.

Professor X: "Yeah that's cool and all, but not really a super power..."

Girl: "Yeah I was jut kidding, I can heal paraplegics"

Professor X, still standing: "OH. MY. GODDD !!!!"

I'm trying to build interest for my new children's book

It's about a v**... whose tail hurts, and each page after the introduction is a new animal trying to help her heal or deal with the pain. Sadly, every publisher I've contacted has rejected the manuscript outright.

I'm not giving up, though. "For Fox' ache" will find it's audience someday.

If you think a healthy relationship could ever arise out of an arranged wedding...

... then I have a Bridget to sell you.

What would you call someone with the power to heal others but chooses to be evil?

The American Healthcare System

What's the difference between a mega church pastor and a crazed marine carrying a b**... plug covered in superglue?

One wants to heal your soul for money.

The other wants to seal your hole for Gunny.

A healthy marriage is built on a strong foundation

That is why my marriage is on the rocks

My health app says I took 8562 steps today

How does it know I've been stealing all those staircases?

Old joke from my m**... grandpa.

Two guys go to a preacher to be healed. o**..., Danny, has a lisp. The other, Mr. Smith, is paralyzed from the waist down and cannot walk. The preacher tells them, however, not to worry.

"The Lord is going to heal you. Are you ready?"

"Yes," says Mr. Smith,. "Yeth", says Danny.

"Okay, when I say the word, Mr. Smith, throw down your crutches! And Danny, you say the first thing that comes to your mind!"

The preacher begins some silent prayer, and after a few seconds, he shouts: "Now! Now!"

A thud is heard. "Mr. Thmifth juth fell on the flo"

Jesus walks into a bar and says "who will buy me a beer" the guy with the 1 eye walks over and buys him a beer..Jesus raises his hand and touches the guys eye healing it instantly! he then asks for another beer..an old veteran paralyzed from the chest down rolls over to him and says

Ill buy your next beer Jesus..once again Jesus raises his hand to heal the veteran and the veteran screams
"NO JESUS DON'T!!!! IM ON THE DISABILITY BENEFIT!"

Please don't post any more school shooting jokes, consider them rule 10 - overly offensive.

Let's give each other time to heal and get back to the reposts we all know and love (just kidding) - but enough is enough of these.

Did you hear that the televangelist got himself a puppy?

He taught it how to beg and heal.

What's the healthier, sister version of a dad bod?

An auntie-body.

What healthy item does Joe Biden enjoy eating?

Forbiden fruit

Go to health

A recent study shows that women who carry a few extra pounds tend to live longer than men who mention it.

Healthcare (freely translated from german)

A man really needs some vacation but can't afford any. So he decides to go to the psychiatry. He asks the doctor: "What do I have to do to stay here?" The doctor says: "We need to make a test of your menal health." He shows him a bathtub full of water. In front of it lies a spoon, a water glass and a bucket. "You have to empty the tub, what will you do?" "Ah," the man replies, "a smart person would say the bucket so I go for the Spoon." The Doctor looks seriously worried at him and says: "No, a smart person had pulled the plug - do you want a room whit a balcony?"