Heal Jokes

114 heal jokes and hilarious heal puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about heal that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Heal Short Jokes

Short heal jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The heal humour may include short cure jokes also.

  1. What would you call someone with the power to heal others but chooses to be evil? The American Healthcare System
  2. If you cross your fingers after surgery you'll heal faster Or maybe that's just super stichin'
  3. Why are helium, curium, and barium known as the healing elements? Because if you can't helium.
    Or curium.
    You gotta barium.
  4. A man walks up to Jesus. I hear you healing the blind. What's the catch? Jesus turns away, cackling. You'll see! YOU'LL ALL SEE!
  5. Dentist: This will hurt a little. Patient: OK.
    Dentist: I've been having an affair with your wife for a while now."
    That's one hole that never really healed.
  6. I told my suicidal friend that time heals all wounds, and he agreed with me. His body was later found at the bottom of Big Ben.
  7. Homosexuality is not natural! Just like healing illnesses by touch, walking over water and raising from the dead after a few days.
    Homosexuality is a miracle.
  8. A man fighting a war finds an ancient lance capable of healing wounds rather than creating them. He names the weapon "Ambu-lance"
  9. Did you hear that the televangelist got himself a puppy? He taught it how to beg and heal.
  10. I started therapy the other day My therapist told me, "Time heals all wounds, physically and mentally". So I stabbed them. Now we wait.

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Heal One Liners

Which heal one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with heal? I can suggest the ones about repair and get better.

  1. My Therapist told me, "Time heals all wounds"..... So, I stabbed him. Now we wait.
  2. What's the best herbal remedy for cuts and scrapes? Thyme. It heals all wounds
  3. What do you use to heal cuts in the matrix? Neo-sporin
  4. Our divine caster lost track of his healing spells. It was a clerical error.
  5. my therapist said time heals all wounds So I stabbed him. Now we wait.
  6. The herb with the most medicinal properties is Thyme... It heals all wounds.
  7. You know what they say about herbal medicine... Thyme heals all wounds.
  8. What makes Mercy such a good medic? It must be her high heals.
  9. If you break your leg... put some herbs on it. I mean, thyme heals all wounds.
  10. Baby, give me that couch.. .. cause I need some sectional healing!
  11. Herbal Doctors, someone should tell them Thyme Doesn't heal all wounds.
  12. If your hands aren't healing... Take matter into your own hands
  13. They say that time heals all wounds... But what if you get hit in the head with a clock?
  14. What do you call an Egyptian test administrator who heals back pain? A Cairo-Proctor!
  15. Viper is also a God's creature Said Jesus after healing Peter's mother-in-law.

Wounds Heal Jokes

Here is a list of funny wounds heal jokes and even better wounds heal puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Why should you always have thyme in your first aid kit? Because thyme heals all wounds.
  • People say that time heals all wounds.
    They obviously never got roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris
  • I wonder why thyme isn't used in medicine. It's supposed to heal all wounds.
  • Time heals all wounds Unless you have type 2 diabetes.
  • Look at wounds while they heal... Is just like watching pain dry.
  • How does Jimmy Carter heal his wounds by looking at them?
  • Thyme is actually the most medicinal herb it heals all wounds
  • "Time heals all wounds ;)" - Rattlesnakes
  • [OC] Time heals all wounds.. Unless you´re a haemophiliac.
Heal joke, [OC] Time heals all wounds..

Cheeky Heal Jokes that Will Make You and Your Friends Chuckle

What funny jokes about heal you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean feel better jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make heal pranks.

The wife told me to talk to her like she was special the other day.
So I said, "gooooo ... annddd ... makkee ... meeee ... a ... cuuuppp ... offffff ... coofffeeeeeee ..."

Yo' Mama is so stanky, she gets sourdough yeast infections.

Some members of a health club were having their first meeting.
The director of the group said, "Now, I’d like each of you to give the facts of your daily routine."
Several people spoke, admitting their excesses, and then one obviously overweight members said, "I eat moderately, I drink moderately, and I exercise frequently."
"Hmm?" said the manager. "And are you sure you having nothing else to add?"
"Well, yes," said the member. "I lie extensively."

Yo' Mama is so s**..., her c**... ride dune buggies.

Q: Why was the lesbian sick?
A: She was lacking vitamin D.

Q: Why is it that so many lawyers have broken noses?
A: From chasing parked ambulances.

Yo momma is so ugly that Superman lost his supervision and went blind.

The nose drops „Big smeller" – let´s have a blow-out.

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

A healthy male organism is the one, which wakes up in the morning before the man.

My girlfriend left me because she couldn't handle my OCD. I told her to close the door five times on her way out.

If you didn't take a selfie at the gym, were you really there?

Claustrophobic people are more productive thinking out of the box.

Sometimes I shoot off at the mouth but I have turrets syndrome.

I don't engage in mental combat with the unarmed.

What type of exam does the vampire teacher give his students? A blood test.

In politics, absurdity is not a handicap.

I got a job in a health club, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

Health care is too expensive, I went to the hospital for complications from my diabetes

And It cost me an arm and a leg.

Not for your health.

A man walks into the doctor's office for his annual check up. The doctor starts to look him over and says, "you need to stop m**..."
The man looks up at the doctor concerned and asks, "why?"
And the doctor replies, "because i'm trying to examine you."

Health Class

Three boys received their grades from their s**... education instructor. One got a D+, the second a D- and the third an F.
"One day we should get her for this," said the first boy.
"I agree. But what should we do?" said the second.
"I've got it!" said the third. "We can kick her in the nuts!"

Trying to be healthier, so I found a list of 10 foods I love that fight disease...

Too bad all of them were only good for fighting starvation.

I like my health care like I like my h**... (oc)

Cheap, and accepting of all preexisting far as I'm aware I just made this up, be gentle

HEALTHY v**...

Q: What's the definition of a healthy v**...?
A: "One who has never been bed-ridden!"

Healthcare Costs in America

Chai Tea

My wife just got back from Tai Chi class. She brewed a p**... of Chai Tea. I told here it tasted pretty s**......
The bruises will heal soon.

For health reasons, my doctor says I should avoid trans fats

I'm gonna miss tumblr

What is the healthiest thing about American food?

The packaging ;)

Healthy midgets don't exist.

Midgets are always under the weather.

What's the healthiest cuisine?

Vitaminese food.

Health insurance is rare for exotic dancers.

Most strippers have little or no coverage.

I went to the health clinic the other day...

My doctor said I weighed 483 pounds but I shouldn't worry about it because we are in the UK

Who's the healthiest member of the Army?

General Wellbeing

I had a health scare recently...

My doctor said I had arthritis, I has so shocked I couldn't move a muscle... atleast I think that's the reason.

A blind man asks Jesus to heal him

"Behold. I will heal your blindness," Jesus says, "and thy m**... shall cease."
"Is m**... a sin? Is it the cause of my blindness?" asks the old man.
Jesus replied, "No, m**... is not a sin, but I'm tryiing to do an eye exam here."

What do health conscious zombies eat?


Dancing wizard and a blistered foot.

What spell does a dancing wizard cast on a blistered foot?
Heal Toe!!

What healthcare program is offered to the citizens of Pakistan?

OsamaCare... It's the bomb.

Why have U.S. healthcare providers embargoed the entire team behind the "The Land Before Time" movie series?

Because they don't cover pre-existing conditions.

Health food doesn't make you live longer.

It just makes it **seem** longer.

[nsfw] How does Jaime Lannister heal Cercei?


Why can't my master understand that I am just a Labrador and not Jesus?

He keeps telling me to heal.

What does a healthy dish and a good joke have in common?

Amy Schumer has never had any of them

What do you do when health nut shows up to your house?

You vitamin.

I have a really healthy sleep schedule. I sleep at least eight hours a day

And at least ten a night.

What does a healthy zombie eat?


I have the power to heal others. I am a villain. Who am I?

The American healthcare system.

A man goes to see his priest about his hearing...

The priest calls on the congregation for an all night extensive prayer session. They pray and sing and ask God to heal the man's hearing. Quite tired from the all night Affair, the priest visits the man the next day. Did our prayers help your hearing he asked? Oh no, the man said the hearing is not until next week.

What's the healthiest part of a donut?

The middle.

What health ailment do elderly frogs suffer from?

Ribbit-toad arthritis
I'll see myself out...

The Pope goes to Washington DC.

He's there to cure the sick, heal the masses, and all those Pope type things he does.
Donald Trump comes up to him and says, "Please Your Holiness, can you help me with my hearing?"
The pope then placed his hands over Trump's ears and blessed him.
"Well that's all well and good," said Trump, "but my impeachment hearing's not till next month."

Me: Doctor, will I be able to play the piano once my arms heal again?

Doctor: Yes
Me: Oh that's amazing, I didn't know how to play before

Your mama so fat...

...that she takes two c**... j**... to heal.

What's a Health Club Trainer's job?


I used to be healthy, but...

I just don't kale anymore.

The health benefits of vaping

Ever since I started vaping, my wife has been getting a lot less cigarette burns.

My health science teacher told me to write a 1,000 word essay on drugs

The paper became a taco and the floor was melting.

How many pain killers does it take to heal a Tape?

5 Per Cassette.

Haven't done any healthy activities during quarantine but still managed to stay in shape..

Unfortunately, the shape is potato.

A new health-tracking service is keeping flab at bay during this lockdown.


In health a cop asked what to do if your brother was smoking w**... while the parents left the house

I responded hide the snacks (he started cracking up)

How do you get a Health Practitioner to visit you?

You in-vitamin

My health insurance lapsed, and my doctor amputated my leg

Now I don't have a leg to stand on

The healing river

People heard about a healing river and the stories about its powers and so they gathered to see it with their own eyes. A lady with a sick child in her arms goes into the water on one shore and comes out at the other, the child now smiling and completely healthy. A blind man goes in and comes out seeing. Everybody is stunned. Another guy in a wheelchair goes in on one shore and comes out at the other with new rims.

My mutant power

professor x: Whats your mutant power
me: I can guess how many pulls to turn a ceiling fan off on the first try [points up] two pulls
professor x: [Stands up and pulls twice] not bad, but not a power
me: I'm kidding i can heal paraplegics
professor x: [Still standing] holy s**...

Healthy German

What did the health conscious german say, when he entered Whole Foods?
Gluten Morgen
PS: First time posting an original.

A healing priest is in the process of a miracle

Priest: Stand up!
(The man slowly stands up)
Priest: Now walk my child walk!!!
(The man slowly started walking and the crowd was shocked)
The priest then gave the microphone to the man.
Priest: Now what can you say upon this miracle of God!!??
Man: I still can't see

Can you beat my top 3 Polish jokes?

>What's long and hard that a Polish bride gets on her wedding night?
A new last name
>Did you hear about the Polish carpool?
They meet at work in the morning
>Did you heal about the Polish t**... that tried to blow up the bus?
He burnt his lips on the exhaust pipe

What is the No. 1 health risk for vegans?

Telling other people they are vegans

A health insurance company is offering a cheaper deal to anyone who ticks a box that says they promise not to eat shellfish.

They call it their No Clams Bonus.

Professor X asks a girl, "what is your mutant power?"

Girl replies: "I can guess how many pulls to turn a ceiling fan off on the first try!"
She points up and says: "3 pulls"
Professor X stands up and pulls 3 times. After the third pull the fan turns off.
Professor X: "Yeah thats cool and all, but not really a super power..."
Girl: "Yeah I was jut kidding, I can heal paraplegics"
Professor X, still standing: "Oh my god"

Professor X asks a girl, "what is your mutant power?"

Girl replies: "I can guess how many pulls to turn a ceiling fan off on the first try!"
She points up and says: "3 pulls"
Professor X stands up and pulls 3 times. After the third pull the fan turns off.
Professor X: "Yeah that's cool and all, but not really a super power..."
Girl: "Yeah I was jut kidding, I can heal paraplegics"
Professor X, still standing: "OH. MY. GODDD !!!!"

I'm trying to build interest for my new children's book

It's about a v**... whose tail hurts, and each page after the introduction is a new animal trying to help her heal or deal with the pain. Sadly, every publisher I've contacted has rejected the manuscript outright.
I'm not giving up, though. "For Fox' ache" will find it's audience someday.

If you think a healthy relationship could ever arise out of an arranged wedding...

... then I have a Bridget to sell you.

What's the difference between a mega church pastor and a crazed marine carrying a b**... plug covered in superglue?

One wants to heal your soul for money.
The other wants to seal your hole for Gunny.

A healthy marriage is built on a strong foundation

That is why my marriage is on the rocks

My health app says I took 8562 steps today

How does it know I've been stealing all those staircases?

Heal joke, My health app says I took 8562 steps today

jokes about heal