Headline Jokes
96 headline jokes and hilarious headline puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about headline that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Headline Short Jokes
Short headline jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The headline humour may include short heading jokes also.
- If a rich man dies from a drug overdose, the headline should read "Pills bury dough boy" Credit to my friend Chris
- Did you hear about those new corduroy pillowcases? I'm surprised if you haven't, they're making lots of headlines.
- What's a headline that's worse than "Missing person remains missing" "Missing person's remains found"
- So the world's oldest woman died today.... I swear I see this headline like, every other month. Why do they keep resuscitating her???
- I would be SHOCKED if you haven't heard about these new corduroy pillows. I mean, they're making headlines all over the world.
- A Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a pub. The Scotsman says "round of drinks for everyone on me." The next day's newspaper headline read: "Irish ventriloquist found beaten to death behind pub."
- A guy escaped from the lunatic asylum. He broke into the local laundromat, banged the female assistant and ran off.
Headline in the local newspaper next day read,
"Nut Screws Washer and Bolts . - Budweiser starts a collaboration with SpaceX to be the first beer on Mars I can already see the headlines...
"Colonist discovers water on Mars!" - A Scot and an Irishman walked into a pub. The Scot said, "All drinks are on me!" News headline the next morning:
IRISH VENTRILOQUIST FOUND BEATEN TO DEATH BEHIND PUB - Had to stop following Business Insider for the headline: "Amy Schumer's new comedy movie is shockingly awful" I can't trust anybody who finds that shocking.
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Headline One Liners
Which headline one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with headline? I can suggest the ones about news and topic.
- THIS JUST IN!!!!! Corduroy pillow are making headlines.........
- a pun walked in, killed 10 people, the news paper headline was.. Pun in, 10 dead.
- Have you heard the news? Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
- Have you heard of the new corduroy pillow? It's making headlines.
- Have you guys heard about those new courdoroy pillows? They're making headlines
- Did you hear about corduroy pillows? They're making headlines.
- Someone threw a grill at my face. The attack made headlines.
- Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines everywhere!
- What rock star is headlining at the annual Fanfiction Convention? Slash
- Have you heard about the new Corduroy pillow cases? They have made all the headlines.
- Spiders are making newspaper headlines. Well, the ones in my house are.
- Forehead wrinkles. They're making headlines.
- HEADLINE: MAN EATING LIZARD FOUND IN FOREST "It was delicious," says man.
- Hear About the new corduroy pillows yet? I guess they really makin headlines
- URGENT BREAKING NEWS... Corduroy pillow cases are making all the headlines.
Headline Ends Jokes
Here is a list of funny headline ends jokes and even better headline ends puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Headline: Rapid inflation leads US Treasury Department to consider ending penny production But that just doesn't make any cents
- What did the headline read for Cam Newton's Car Accident? Another Cam Newton Drive Ends In Turnover
Howlingly Hilarious Headline Jokes for All Ages to Enjoy
What funny jokes about headline you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean titles jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make headline pranks.
Did you hear about the guy who escaped from a lunatic asylum, r**... a bunch of old women in a laundrette then ran away?
The newspaper headlines the next day read:
#**NUT SCREWS WASHERS AND BOLTS**#
Three nuns at the pearly gates with St. Peter.
St. Peter tells the nuns, "since you've all dedicated your lives to God, we will let you go back and live as anyone you'd like to."
The first nun says, "I'd like to be Mother Theresa", and Peter says, "No problem."
The second nun says, "I'd like to return as Princess Diana", and Peter says, "Sure thing."
The third nun says, "I'd like to be Sarah Pippilini." St. Peter says, "I'm sorry sister but I don't know who that is." The nun holds up a newspaper and points to the headline.
St. Peter laughs and says, "No, no sister that doesn't say 'Sarah Pippilini'; it says 'Sahara Pipeline laid by 500 men in 7 days'."
Lots of Russian jokes recently, here is another one.
A boy sits on his couch and sees a newspaper there. Curious he picks it up and reads the front headline: "v**... Prices on the Rise." He shows this to his dad and says:
"Dad does this mean you are going to drink less?"
Dad: "No son, this means you are going to eat less."
I just came from a domestic violence awareness concert...
...headlined by the Black Eyed Peas
A Brazilian people killed.
One day a man is sitting next to a blond woman who is reading the newspaper.
She is visibly upset while reading a particular article. He can't help but look over and see what she's reading. He sees the headline
"s**... b**... kill two Brazilian men on bus".
He understands why she is upset now, so he strikes up a conversation with her.
She confesses "I have seen these before, but this is getting crazy. I mean, two Brazilian men killed? How many is in a Brazilian again?"
A mental patient escapes from an asylum, goes into a laundrette and rapes a bunch of women. The police arrive and he escapes. Newspaper headline the next day reads....
.
---
### NUT SCREWS WASHERS AND BOLTS
---
.
I wouldn't say Scotsmen are cheap but...
A Scotsmen and a Jewish man were having a magnificent meal at one of the most expensive restaurants in The world. After the meal their waiter came over to present the check and a Scottish voice said "that's all right laddie just g**... the check to me".
Headlines in the local newspaper next day read: "Jewish ventriloquist found beaten to death".
An inmate from a mental asylum escaped and started r**... people.
The next day headlines read : Nut bolts and screws.
Did you hear the newspaper headline about the escaped lunatic who r**... a woman and ran away?
"Nut screws and bolts".
Breaking News: A Pillow
Did you hear about the corduroy pillow on the news?
... It made headlines...
Did you see the headline about Mayweather being afraid to go outside in the heat?
"Mayweather May Weather May Weather"
Have you heard about these new corduroy pillows?
They've really been making headlines.
-courtesy of my 8 year old niece.
Why will people click on any link with s**... or eggs in the headline?
Hey, s**... cells.
Lunatic escapes from an asylum, goes to a launderette where he rapes three women before running off into the woods. Next morning's newspaper headlines read....
# **NUT SCREWS WASHERS AND BOLTS**
Have you heard about the psychic dwarf that escaped from prison last week?
You should see the headlines: "Small Medium at Large"
If hillary nukes Russia I can see the headlines now
"Everyone in Moscow commits s**..."
What did the headlines read after the midget fortune-teller escaped from jail?
Small medium at large.
In the 90's Arsenal Soccer Club
Had a player called David d**.... When he was injured,the Newspaper wrote"arsenal to play without d**...". The coach was upset so the Newspaper changed the headline to read"Arsenal to play with d**... out"... A record number of women attended the match
Saw a headline that started with "45% of Alabama GOP voters think" ...
... and I stopped reading because that part was surprising enough.
What did the headlines say about the midget psychic who escaped from jail?
SMALL MEDIUM AT LARGE
Retraction
The following headline appeared in the daily newspaper and threw the city hall into an uproar: "Half the city council are crooks."
A retraction in full was demanded of the editor under the threat of a libel suit. Next afternoon, the headline read, "Half the city council aren't crooks."
A boy is born without eyelids...
A boy who was born without eyelids is making national headlines as he has just undergone experimental surgery to use his f**... to craft new eyelids. The surgery was a success and the boy is recovering perfectly. However, he will be a little cockeyed.
Name change
Did you hear about the guy who legally changed his name to 'Username'? When he died, all the headlines read: "Username checks out!"
How many???
A blonde was sitting on the train reading the newspaper. The headline blared, "12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed."She shook her head at the sad news, then turned to the stranger sitting next to her and asked, "How many is a Brazilian?"
A short fortune teller committed a crime, and the police put almost no effort into catching her
Headlines the next day read: Small medium largely ignored.
A lunatic seduced the laundry woman ...
A lunatic seduced the laundry woman to get her keys, and promptly escaped from the asylum.
Next day, the headlines read *Nut Screws Washer and Bolts!*
A panda walks into a restaurant and orders a sandwich.
After eating, the panda pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter, and leaves.
Next day, the headlines read *Panda eats shoots and leaves!*
What was the news headline when a crazy man s**... assaulted two laundry women and ran away?
NUT SCREWS WASHERS AND BOLTS!
A football team loses its star player Dante d**... due to an injury...
The next day, the paper reads "Team will play without d**...."
Outraged, the team manager demands that the newspaper change the title and resubmit their article.
The next day, the headline reads "Team to play with d**... out."
Have you heard the exciting news about corduroy pillowcases?
They're making headlines all around the country
Did you see the story in the newspaper about the s**... attack at the laundry?
The headline read "Nut screws washers and bolts"
I've been reading so much about the scary trade disputes between the US and Canada, I see headlines when I blink...
...Frankly, I'm tariff-eyed.
Say what you will, but today's young professionals are the ones that will eventually find the cure for cancer. I can see the headlines now:
"Millennials Killed Cancer"
Have you seen the hype about these cordroy pillow cases...
They're making headlines everywhere
Future Headline: Trump refuses to rise to take the oath at his trial.
He heard you can't arrest a sitting president.
A renowned scientist is frustrated with the popularity of misinformation. In an interview, he tells the press my research is meaningless if taken out of context!
The next day, the public is taken by storm as headlines spread that Renowned Scientist Claims That His Research is Meaningless!
Mentally tough people are better at this important skill:
>!Resisting clickbait headlines.!<
News headline indicates there's been a zombie outbreak in North Korea
Headline: Kim Jong, Un-Dead
Did you hear about the psychic dwarf that escaped prison?
News headlines say "Small medium at large".
A couple of italian guys are discussing who, if they could choose any woman in the world, they'd rather bang
One of them says some big name actress, the other says "Virginia Pippilini."
The first guy's like, "Who's that? Is she a model?"
"I don't know"
"Actress?"
"I don't know."
"Singer?"
"I don't know."
"Well if you don't know, why choose her?"
The guy pulls out a newspaper and points to the headline. "Virginia Pipeline blows 50 men dead."
I read a news story recently about a large group of secretive gay vigilantes who founded a temple to the god of sailing that moonlights as a b**... club.
The headline read
"Masked Masc for Masc Masses create Mast Mass for Masochists"
According to a news headline, the world's fattest family has lost 600lbs.
One of them died.
Hey did you hear about those corduroy pillow cases?
They're making *headlines* everywhere!
Have you heard about corduroy pillows lately?
Have you seen this, have you heard this?
They're making headlines
An elderly Jewish man is sitting on a park bench reading the Tehran Times
A friend sees him and says, "Oy, Moishe! How can you read that rag? Don't you know the things they say about us?"
To which the man replies, "Well, I used to read to read the Jewish papers, but they're so depressing. Every headline is 'Jews Being Persecuted!' 'Jews Living in Poverty!' 'Jews Being Oppressed!'. But now I read these Arab papers and the headlines are all 'Jews Own All the Banks!' 'Jews Control the Media!' 'Jews Run the World!'. It's much more uplifting!"
Can't come in
A theatre manager was worried that his headlining act hadn't turned up yet. His assistant came up to him.
"Sir, you just received this letter from the headlining act"
The manager took the letter and read it.
"Dear sir, I am afraid I cannot come in for the show tonight as I have..."
The manager stopped reading and kept staring at the letter.
"I can't read his writing, is that an I or an O?"
The assistant looked at the letter.
"It's an I"
"Thank goodness, I thought he'd shot himself"
An Irishman and an Scotsman's walk into a pub together
The Scotsman's yells out "Drinks for the house, on me!"
The next day the headlines read: "Irish ventriloquist found beaten to death behind pub."
Did you hear about the guy that escaped from a loony bin, went to the laundromat and assaulted some patrons, then ran away?
The headline in the paper read,
> Nut Screws Washers and Bolts.
"I wish..."
"I wish I was rich.", I said while throwing a coin into a wishing well.
Reading the newspaper the next day, the front page headline was:
"Rare coin worth millions found in well"
What's the difference between Reddit and Twitter?
Doesn't matter. No one reads beyond the headline anyway.
An English bishop was visiting New York and had been warned about quote-hungry American reporters.
As he was walking down the stairs off the plane, a voice amid the camera flashes called out "Hey, Bishop! Will you be visiting any s**... clubs while you're in New York?"
The bishop gave a crinkly smile and said innocently: "Dear me, are there such establishments in this city?"
When he got to his hotel, the headline in the evening paper read: **l**... BISHOP'S FIRST QUESTION: "ARE THERE ANY s**... CLUBS IN NEW YORK?"**
A German woman swore an oath to prepare her large field for planting using only the teachings of Lao-tsu, an ox and a pig. Local farmers call this "impossible".
# Headline:"Frau vows to plow with Tao, cow and sow... somehow."
I went to a concert hosted by the Dyslexics Support Group.
q**... Latina was the headliner and they put on a h**... of a show.
A newspaper kiosk in Russia
Man comes in, buys a newspaper, browses the headlines and throws it away.
This repeats day after day, after a while the kiosk owner asks "Say, why do you buy a newspaper but only read the headlines, what are you looking for?"
"An obituary"
"But they are way back in the newspaper."
"The one I'm looking for will be a headline"
Headline News
The police have confirmed that the man who fell from the roof of a nightclub and died was not a bouncer.
A woman in her 90s calls her doctor and asks:
"Doctor, where is the heart?"
To which the doctor replies: "it is at the height of your left n**..."
The elderly woman thanks the man and ends the call.
A new day arrives and the doctor reads the headline of his newspaper
"Elderly woman wants to commit s**..., shoots herself in the knee"
Have you read about the new corduroy pillow cases?
Apparently, they're making headlines all over!
Did you see the newspaper headlines about the Christmas Eve robbery at the German bakery? It said…
STOLLEN STOLEN!!
