The Best 74 Headline Jokes

So a man escaped from a mental asylum.....

So a man escaped from a mental asylum and the first thing he did was head for the local town. In the town he found a laundrette and so he went inside and raped the workers there.

The next day's newspaper headline was " Nut bolts ,screws washers"

Lots of Russian jokes recently, here is another one.

A boy sits on his couch and sees a newspaper there. Curious he picks it up and reads the front headline: "Vodka Prices on the Rise." He shows this to his dad and says:
"Dad does this mean you are going to drink less?"
Dad: "No son, this means you are going to eat less."

A Brazilian people killed.

One day a man is sitting next to a blond woman who is reading the newspaper.

She is visibly upset while reading a particular article. He can't help but look over and see what she's reading. He sees the headline
"Suicide bombers kill two Brazilian men on bus".

He understands why she is upset now, so he strikes up a conversation with her.

She confesses "I have seen these before, but this is getting crazy. I mean, two Brazilian men killed? How many is in a Brazilian again?"

Ever wonder why

You never see the headline. Physic wins the lottery.

A mental patient escapes from an asylum, goes into a laundrette and rapes a bunch of women. The police arrive and he escapes. Newspaper headline the next day reads....

.

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### NUT SCREWS WASHERS AND BOLTS

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A football player is seriously ill

On a press conference the coach of a famous football team announces that their best player, George Dicks, won't be playing in the next game. After the conference a reporter comes up to the coach and asks "Just wanted to check if you're okay with the headline... it'll be 'Team plays without Dicks' "

"Nah, that doesn't sound good. Change it"

So when the coach checked the newspaper the next morning, the headline read "Team plays with dicks out!"

Four Mexicans drowned over the weekend

Newspaper headline: Quatro sinko

Eight mexicans drowned in the lake over the weekend.

The newspaper headline was "Ocho Sinko"

What did the headline read for Cam Newton's Car Accident?

Another Cam Newton Drive Ends In Turnover

HEADLINE: MAN EATING LIZARD FOUND IN FOREST

"It was delicious," says man.

Did you see the headline about the film director who stormed off set after someone filled his trailer with herbs?

Michael Bay Leaves

Did you see the headline about the 5 foot tall psychic that escaped from prison?

It was:

"Small medium at large"

A man sees a really attractive woman on a train reading the newspaper

...so he chats her up on today's headline.

He: "So, yesterday was the Nymphomaniacs' Congress. I don't suppose you've attended, did you?"
She: "Well, as a matter of fact, I did."
He: "And? What's new in the world of nymphomaniacs?"
She: "Nothing much, Indians have the longest, the Irish can go the longest, same old, same old."
He: "Oh, where are my manners? The name's a O'Connor. Geronimo O'Connor."

Did you hear the newspaper headline about the escaped lunatic who raped a woman and ran away?

"Nut screws and bolts".

TMZ Headline: Mama June... Hit from Behind...

Reporters asked Harrison Ford's wife if she thought he was too old to fly

She said the crash was so well handled it was like an artistic performance.

HEADLINE:

"Calista Flockhart to Call His Tough Luck 'Art'"

Did you see the headline about Mayweather being afraid to go outside in the heat?

"Mayweather May Weather May Weather"

Headline: "American Pharoah Wins 1st Triple Crown Title Since 1978"

That is one long-lived horse.

Sexist UFO

A strange disk appeared in the sky. It would hover over groups of women and whistle. Whenever a man would approach it would fly away and hover over another group of women and whistle. The headline in a feminist paper read: Object Defying Women.

Why will people click on any link with sperm or eggs in the headline?

Hey, sex cells.

What were the headlines like when the shovel was invented?

There's been a ground breaking discovery...

You won't believe what every headline on the Internet is these days.

They're clickbait. That's what they are.

I read a story about a Florida man named Arti that was paid a buck to strangle 2 innocent people in a Safeway parking lot...

Oddly enough, the headline was "Artichokes 2 for $1 at Safeway"

If a rich man dies from a drug overdose, the headline should read "Pills bury dough boy"

Credit to my friend Chris

A guy escaped from the lunatic asylum.

He broke into the local laundromat, banged the female assistant and ran off.

Headline in the local newspaper next day read,

"Nut Screws Washer and Bolts .

BREAKING: A Tiny Fortune Teller Has Robbed a Bank And Is Now On The Loose!

The headline reads: Small Medium At Large!

What did the headlines read after the midget fortune-teller escaped from jail?

Small medium at large.

What would the news headline be if virginity could be restored?

Unfucking Believable?

A headline writer tells a joke. "Why Buddhist god so ornery?"

Because Buddha, pest, Hungary.

Video store

I went to blockbuster today to pick out a movie I was approached by a reporter who asked if he could do a story on me, flattered I ask why not?

I read the paper the next day and see the headline "Dumbass still goes to video store." Thank god no one found out though.

In the 90's Arsenal Soccer Club

Had a player called David Dicks. When he was injured,the Newspaper wrote"Arsenal to play without Dicks". The coach was upset so the Newspaper changed the headline to read"Arsenal to play with Dicks out"... A record number of women attended the match

Saw a headline that started with "45% of Alabama GOP voters think" ...

... and I stopped reading because that part was surprising enough.

Did you read the headline about the fruit truck?

It crashed and jammed the highway.

What did the headlines say about the midget psychic who escaped from jail?

SMALL MEDIUM AT LARGE

Jeremy Kyle Headline : Did my parents try to drown me as a baby

No! You might not be used to it but it's called a bath

Had to stop following Business Insider for the headline: "Amy Schumer's new comedy movie is shockingly awful"

I can't trust anybody who finds that shocking.

Trump invites the Pope on his yacht...

The Popes hat blows off into the ocean so the Swiss guard and the secret service jump is trying to recover it but the current kept them away. So Trump says "I got it", and jumps overboard and walks across the water retrieves the hat and brings it back to the Pope.

CNN's headline the next day was "Trump Can't Swim!"

A Bostonian shooter opens fire on a Catholic meeting, killing 28 and injuring dozens more.

The newspaper headline the next day reads:
"A Massive Massacre Occurs at Mass in Massachusetts."

[NSFW]Four robbers break into a bank at midnight.

As they open the vault, there are only boxes. One robber opens a box and finds cups full of yogurt.

"We didn't find any money, but we got something to eat," he tells his partners. They eat their fill and leave.

The next morning's newspaper headline reads, "World's Largest Sperm Bank Robbed."

What's a headline that's worse than "Missing person remains missing"

"Missing person's remains found"

Retraction

The following headline appeared in the daily newspaper and threw the city hall into an uproar: "Half the city council are crooks."

A retraction in full was demanded of the editor under the threat of a libel suit. Next afternoon, the headline read, "Half the city council aren't crooks."

An old woman is visiting the doctor

"Where exactly in the body is the heart?" she asks.

"About 2 cm under the nipples." the doctor answers.

Headline of the newspaper on the next day:

"Woman tried to commit suicide. Shot herself in the knee instead."

A Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a pub. The Scotsman says "round of drinks for everyone on me."

The next day's newspaper headline read: "Irish ventriloquist found beaten to death behind pub."

Did you hear about the deaf person who was cut up but was surprisingly happy about the whole thing?

The headline was: Mutilated mute elated

How many???

A blonde was sitting on the train reading the newspaper. The headline blared, "12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed."She shook her head at the sad news, then turned to the stranger sitting next to her and asked, "How many is a Brazilian?"

Headline: Kris Jenner Worries About Kylie Jenner's Privacy: 'There's Always Somebody Trying to Exploit' Her

"and that's my job" -Kris

I heard he got caught but got off easy

I just read a news article with the headline "Woman beats off rapist!" and I thought... "Well... that seems like a reasonable compromise..."

What was the news headline when a crazy man sexually assaulted two laundry women and ran away?

NUT SCREWS WASHERS AND BOLTS!

A football team loses its star player Dante Dicks due to an injury...

The next day, the paper reads "Team will play without Dicks."

Outraged, the team manager demands that the newspaper change the title and resubmit their article.

The next day, the headline reads "Team to play with Dicks out."

In Headlines Today: White House Sex Scandal

Evidence deemed fake nudes.

So the world's oldest woman died today....

I swear I see this headline like, every other month. Why do they keep resuscitating her???

Did you see the story in the newspaper about the sex attack at the laundry?

The headline read "Nut screws washers and bolts"

We should change the Cleveland Browns name to Meoff

So we could get some comedic value when the headline says The Raiders beat Meoff this past Sunday

Cause and Effect in the News

A newspaper editor missed this headline: "State population to double by 2040; babies to blame."

If Chippendales goes to a national park and rescues the park rangers..

Would the headline in the newspaper be Chippendales rescue rangers?

Future Headline: Trump refuses to rise to take the oath at his trial.

He heard you can't arrest a sitting president.

a pun walked in, killed 10 people, the news paper headline was..

Pun in, 10 dead.

What was the headline when a former Ghostbuster's family dug a really long ditch in his home country?

A Dan, A Clan, A Canal, Canada

A headline: Elderly Man Found Pushing Stroller With Body Parts sounds butch worse than

Man taking grandchild to the park

Foot Heads Arms Body

The army was deciding on how much weaponry should be provided to each unit and each soldier. For this, they set up a committee and the veteran General Samuel Foot was chosen to be the head of it.

The newspapers got wind of this and published it on the front page.
The headline was "Foot Heads Arms Body."

News headline indicates there's been a zombie outbreak in North Korea

Headline: Kim Jong, Un-Dead

A couple of Italian guys are discussing who, if they could choose any woman in the world, they'd rather bang

One of them says some big name actress, the other says "Virginia Pippilini."

The first guy's like, "Who's that? Is she a model?"

"I don't know"

"Actress?"

"I don't know."

"Singer?"

"I don't know."

"Well if you don't know, why choose her?"

The guy pulls out a newspaper and points to the headline. "Virginia Pipeline blows 50 men dead."

I read a news story recently about a large group of secretive gay vigilantes who founded a temple to the god of sailing that moonlights as a BDSM club.

The headline read

"Masked Masc for Masc Masses create Mast Mass for Masochists"

A Scot and an Irishman walked into a pub. The Scot said, "All drinks are on me!"

News headline the next morning:

IRISH VENTRILOQUIST FOUND BEATEN TO DEATH BEHIND PUB

According to a news headline, the world's fattest family has lost 600lbs.

One of them died.

An elderly Jewish man is sitting on a park bench reading the Tehran Times

A friend sees him and says, "Oy, Moishe! How can you read that rag? Don't you know the things they say about us?"

To which the man replies, "Well, I used to read to read the Jewish papers, but they're so depressing. Every headline is 'Jews Being Persecuted!' 'Jews Living in Poverty!' 'Jews Being Oppressed!'. But now I read these Arab papers and the headlines are all 'Jews Own All the Banks!' 'Jews Control the Media!' 'Jews Run the World!'. It's much more uplifting!"

Legal Humor

A recent news headline indicated that lawyers were now being used as experimental test subjects in place of laboratory rats. I read further because this just didn't seem right, but the story gave several very solid reasons for the substitution of lawyers for rats.

First: There are more of them.

Second: The researchers had a tendency to become attached to the laboratory rats.

Third: There are just some things you can't get a rat to do.

Did you hear about the guy that escaped from a loony bin, went to the laundromat and assaulted some patrons, then ran away?

The headline in the paper read,

> Nut Screws Washers and Bolts.

"I wish..."

"I wish I was rich.", I said while throwing a coin into a wishing well.

Reading the newspaper the next day, the front page headline was:

"Rare coin worth millions found in well"

What's the difference between Reddit and Twitter?

Doesn't matter. No one reads beyond the headline anyway.

Headline: Rapid inflation leads US Treasury Department to consider ending penny production

But that just doesn't make any cents

A newspaper kiosk in Russia

Man comes in, buys a newspaper, browses the headlines and throws it away.

This repeats day after day, after a while the kiosk owner asks "Say, why do you buy a newspaper but only read the headlines, what are you looking for?"

"An obituary"

"But they are way back in the newspaper."

"The one I'm looking for will be a headline"

Headline News

The police have confirmed that the man who fell from the roof of a nightclub and died was not a bouncer.