Following is our collection of funniest Headline jokes. There are some headline newsstand jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these headline article puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
So a man escaped from a mental asylum and the first thing he did was head for the local town. In the town he found a laundrette and so he went inside and raped the workers there.
The next day's newspaper headline was " Nut bolts ,screws washers"
St. Peter tells the nuns, "since you've all dedicated your lives to God, we will let you go back and live as anyone you'd like to."
The first nun says, "I'd like to be Mother Theresa", and Peter says, "No problem."
The second nun says, "I'd like to return as Princess Diana", and Peter says, "Sure thing."
The third nun says, "I'd like to be Sarah Pippilini." St. Peter says, "I'm sorry sister but I don't know who that is." The nun holds up a newspaper and points to the headline.
St. Peter laughs and says, "No, no sister that doesn't say 'Sarah Pippilini'; it says 'Sahara Pipeline laid by 500 men in 7 days'."
A boy sits on his couch and sees a newspaper there. Curious he picks it up and reads the front headline: "Vodka Prices on the Rise." He shows this to his dad and says:
"Dad does this mean you are going to drink less?"
Dad: "No son, this means you are going to eat less."
One day a man is sitting next to a blond woman who is reading the newspaper.
She is visibly upset while reading a particular article. He can't help but look over and see what she's reading. He sees the headline
"Suicide bombers kill two Brazilian men on bus".
He understands why she is upset now, so he strikes up a conversation with her.
She confesses "I have seen these before, but this is getting crazy. I mean, two Brazilian men killed? How many is in a Brazilian again?"
You never see the headline. Physic wins the lottery.
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### NUT SCREWS WASHERS AND BOLTS
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On a press conference the coach of a famous football team announces that their best player, George Dicks, won't be playing in the next game. After the conference a reporter comes up to the coach and asks "Just wanted to check if you're okay with the headline... it'll be 'Team plays without Dicks' "
"Nah, that doesn't sound good. Change it"
So when the coach checked the newspaper the next morning, the headline read "Team plays with dicks out!"
Newspaper headline: Quatro sinko
The newspaper headline was "Ocho Sinko"
Another Cam Newton Drive Ends In Turnover
"It was delicious," says man.
You can explore headline perpetrator reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean headline obituaries dad jokes. There are also headline puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Michael Bay Leaves
It was:
"Small medium at large"
...so he chats her up on today's headline.
He: "So, yesterday was the Nymphomaniacs' Congress. I don't suppose you've attended, did you?"
She: "Well, as a matter of fact, I did."
He: "And? What's new in the world of nymphomaniacs?"
She: "Nothing much, Indians have the longest, the Irish can go the longest, same old, same old."
He: "Oh, where are my manners? The name's a O'Connor. Geronimo O'Connor."
"Nut screws and bolts".
She said the crash was so well handled it was like an artistic performance.
HEADLINE:
"Calista Flockhart to Call His Tough Luck 'Art'"
"Mayweather May Weather May Weather"
I said,"That's unpresidented!"
That is one long-lived horse.
A midget fortune teller escapes with some money and is not found by the police. Headline in the next day's newspaper:
Small medium at large.
A strange disk appeared in the sky. It would hover over groups of women and whistle. Whenever a man would approach it would fly away and hover over another group of women and whistle. The headline in a feminist paper read: Object Defying Women.
Hey, sex cells.
There's been a ground breaking discovery...
In more news, Amy Schumer has a show tonight
They're clickbait. That's what they are.
Oddly enough, the headline was "Artichokes 2 for $1 at Safeway"
Credit to my friend Chris
He broke into the local laundromat, banged the female assistant and ran off.
Headline in the local newspaper next day read,
"Nut Screws Washer and Bolts .
The headline reads: Small Medium At Large!
Small medium at large.
" It's an all out turf war. "
Unfucking Believable?
Because Buddha, pest, Hungary.
I went to blockbuster today to pick out a movie I was approached by a reporter who asked if he could do a story on me, flattered I ask why not?
I read the paper the next day and see the headline "Dumbass still goes to video store." Thank god no one found out though.
Had a player called David Dicks. When he was injured,the Newspaper wrote"Arsenal to play without Dicks". The coach was upset so the Newspaper changed the headline to read"Arsenal to play with Dicks out"... A record number of women attended the match
Most commonly referred to as "Vodka"
... and I stopped reading because that part was surprising enough.
It crashed and jammed the highway.
SMALL MEDIUM AT LARGE
No! You might not be used to it but it's called a bath
I can't trust anybody who finds that shocking.
The Popes hat blows off into the ocean so the Swiss guard and the secret service jump is trying to recover it but the current kept them away. So Trump says "I got it", and jumps overboard and walks across the water retrieves the hat and brings it back to the Pope.
CNN's headline the next day was "Trump Can't Swim!"
The newspaper headline the next day reads:
"A Massive Massacre Occurs at Mass in Massachusetts."
As they open the vault, there are only boxes. One robber opens a box and finds cups full of yogurt.
"We didn't find any money, but we got something to eat," he tells his partners. They eat their fill and leave.
The next morning's newspaper headline reads, "World's Largest Sperm Bank Robbed."
"Missing person's remains found"
The following headline appeared in the daily newspaper and threw the city hall into an uproar: "Half the city council are crooks."
A retraction in full was demanded of the editor under the threat of a libel suit. Next afternoon, the headline read, "Half the city council aren't crooks."
"Where exactly in the body is the heart?" she asks.
"About 2 cm under the nipples." the doctor answers.
Headline of the newspaper on the next day:
"Woman tried to commit suicide. Shot herself in the knee instead."
The next day's newspaper headline read: "Irish ventriloquist found beaten to death behind pub."
The headline was: Mutilated mute elated
A blonde was sitting on the train reading the newspaper. The headline blared, "12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed."She shook her head at the sad news, then turned to the stranger sitting next to her and asked, "How many is a Brazilian?"
"and that's my job" -Kris
I just read a news article with the headline "Woman beats off rapist!" and I thought... "Well... that seems like a reasonable compromise..."
NUT SCREWS WASHERS AND BOLTS!
The next day, the paper reads "Team will play without Dicks."
Outraged, the team manager demands that the newspaper change the title and resubmit their article.
The next day, the headline reads "Team to play with Dicks out."
Evidence deemed fake nudes.
I swear I see this headline like, every other month. Why do they keep resuscitating her???
The headline read "Nut screws washers and bolts"
So we could get some comedic value when the headline says The Raiders beat Meoff this past Sunday
Well there's an unexpected headline: Poland invades Germany
A newspaper editor missed this headline: "State population to double by 2040; babies to blame."
Would the headline in the newspaper be Chippendales rescue rangers?
He heard you can't arrest a sitting president.
he ate doriots
Pun in, 10 dead.
A Dan, A Clan, A Canal, Canada
Man taking grandchild to the park
The army was deciding on how much weaponry should be provided to each unit and each soldier. For this, they set up a committee and the veteran General Samuel Foot was chosen to be the head of it.
The newspapers got wind of this and published it on the front page.
The headline was "Foot Heads Arms Body."
Headline: Kim Jong, Un-Dead
One of them says some big name actress, the other says "Virginia Pippilini."
The first guy's like, "Who's that? Is she a model?"
"I don't know"
"Actress?"
"I don't know."
"Singer?"
"I don't know."
"Well if you don't know, why choose her?"
The guy pulls out a newspaper and points to the headline. "Virginia Pipeline blows 50 men dead."
The headline read
"Masked Masc for Masc Masses create Mast Mass for Masochists"
News headline the next morning:
IRISH VENTRILOQUIST FOUND BEATEN TO DEATH BEHIND PUB
One of them died.
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the headline bad headlines jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working headline really really bad headlines piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.