Headline Jokes
96 headline jokes and hilarious headline puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about headline that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Headline Short Jokes
Short headline jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The headline humour may include short news jokes also.
- If a rich man dies from a drug overdose, the headline should read "Pills bury dough boy" Credit to my friend Chris
- Did you hear about those new corduroy pillowcases? I'm surprised if you haven't, they're making lots of headlines.
- What's a headline that's worse than "Missing person remains missing" "Missing person's remains found"
- So the world's oldest woman died today.... I swear I see this headline like, every other month. Why do they keep resuscitating her???
- A Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a pub. The Scotsman says "round of drinks for everyone on me." The next day's newspaper headline read: "Irish ventriloquist found beaten to death behind pub."
- A guy escaped from the lunatic asylum. He broke into the local laundromat, banged the female assistant and ran off.
Headline in the local newspaper next day read,
"Nut Screws Washer and Bolts . - Budweiser starts a collaboration with SpaceX to be the first beer on Mars I can already see the headlines...
"Colonist discovers water on Mars!" - Had to stop following Business Insider for the headline: "Amy Schumer's new comedy movie is shockingly awful" I can't trust anybody who finds that shocking.
- "I wish..." "I wish I was rich.", I said while throwing a coin into a wishing well.
Reading the newspaper the next day, the front page headline was:
"Rare coin worth millions found in well" - Did you see the headline about Mayweather being afraid to go outside in the heat? "Mayweather May Weather May Weather"
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Headline One Liners
Which headline one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with headline? I can suggest the ones about topic and titles.
- THIS JUST IN!!!!! Corduroy pillow are making headlines.........
- Someone threw a grill at my face. The attack made headlines.
- What rock star is headlining at the annual Fanfiction Convention? Slash
- Spiders are making newspaper headlines. Well, the ones in my house are.
- Forehead wrinkles. They're making headlines.
- IKEA made headlines today... ...due to their new range of corduroy pillowcases
- What would the news headline be if virginity could be restored? Unfucking Believable?
- Fake news isn't the problem It's Fake headlines.
- Confucious say He who sleep on corduroy pillow make headlines
- How come you never see a headline like "Psychic Wins Lottery"
- Ever wonder why You never see the headline. Physic wins the lottery.
- There are so many puns in headlines Why don't they just call em wrinkles
- Headline: Comedians are now outlawed... In more news, Amy Schumer has a show tonight
- TMZ Headline: Mama June... Hit from Behind...
- Headline Long detailed story with certain words
Punchline
Headline Ends Jokes
Here is a list of funny headline ends jokes and even better headline ends puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Headline: Rapid inflation leads US Treasury Department to consider ending penny production But that just doesn't make any cents
- What did the headline read for Cam Newton's Car Accident? Another Cam Newton Drive Ends In Turnover
Howlingly Hilarious Headline Jokes for All Ages to Enjoy
What funny jokes about headline you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean announcement jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make headline pranks.
Three nuns at the pearly gates with St. Peter.
St. Peter tells the nuns, "since you've all dedicated your lives to God, we will let you go back and live as anyone you'd like to."
The first nun says, "I'd like to be Mother Theresa", and Peter says, "No problem."
The second nun says, "I'd like to return as Princess Diana", and Peter says, "Sure thing."
The third nun says, "I'd like to be Sarah Pippilini." St. Peter says, "I'm sorry sister but I don't know who that is." The nun holds up a newspaper and points to the headline.
St. Peter laughs and says, "No, no sister that doesn't say 'Sarah Pippilini'; it says 'Sahara Pipeline laid by 500 men in 7 days'."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Lots of Russian jokes recently, here is another one.
A boy sits on his couch and sees a newspaper there. Curious he picks it up and reads the front headline: "v**... Prices on the Rise." He shows this to his dad and says:
"Dad does this mean you are going to drink less?"
Dad: "No son, this means you are going to eat less."
I just came from a domestic violence awareness concert...
...headlined by the Black Eyed Peas
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Brazilian people killed.
One day a man is sitting next to a blond woman who is reading the newspaper.
She is visibly upset while reading a particular article. He can't help but look over and see what she's reading. He sees the headline
"s**... b**... kill two Brazilian men on bus".
He understands why she is upset now, so he strikes up a conversation with her.
She confesses "I have seen these before, but this is getting crazy. I mean, two Brazilian men killed? How many is in a Brazilian again?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A mental patient escapes from an asylum, goes into a laundrette and rapes a bunch of women. The police arrive and he escapes. Newspaper headline the next day reads....
.
---
### NUT SCREWS WASHERS AND BOLTS
---
.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I wouldn't say Scotsmen are cheap but...
A Scotsmen and a Jewish man were having a magnificent meal at one of the most expensive restaurants in The world. After the meal their waiter came over to present the check and a Scottish voice said "that's all right laddie just g**... the check to me".
Headlines in the local newspaper next day read: "Jewish ventriloquist found beaten to death".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A football player is seriously ill
On a press conference the coach of a famous football team announces that their best player, George d**..., won't be playing in the next game. After the conference a reporter comes up to the coach and asks "Just wanted to check if you're okay with the headline... it'll be 'Team plays without d**...' "
"Nah, that doesn't sound good. Change it"
So when the coach checked the newspaper the next morning, the headline read "Team plays with d**... out!"
Eight mexicans drowned in the lake over the weekend.
The newspaper headline was "Ocho Sinko"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
HEADLINE: MAN EATING LIZARD FOUND IN FOREST
"It was delicious," says man.
Did you see the headline about the film director who stormed off set after someone filled his trailer with herbs?
Michael Bay Leaves
Breaking News: A Pillow
Did you hear about the corduroy pillow on the news?
... It made headlines...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Reporters asked Harrison Ford's wife if she thought he was too old to fly
She said the c**... was so well handled it was like an artistic performance.
HEADLINE:
"Calista Flockhart to Call His Tough Luck 'Art'"
Headline: "American Pharoah Wins 1st Triple Crown Title Since 1978"
That is one long-lived horse.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why will people click on any link with s**... or eggs in the headline?
Hey, s**... cells.
After being found guilty of massive tax fraud and sentenced to 30 years in prison, a world renowned clairvoyant used his short stature to escape and is currently on the run from authorities.
The headlines read 'Small Medium at Large'
What were the headlines like when the shovel was invented?
There's been a ground breaking discovery...
Did you hear about the tragedy in France?
I was very confused reading headlines saying, "Nice attack, 78 dead".
BREAKING: A Tiny Fortune Teller Has Robbed a Bank And Is Now On The Loose!
The headline reads: Small Medium At Large!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If hillary nukes Russia I can see the headlines now
"Everyone in Moscow commits s**..."
Donald Trump has been making headlines, "Trump Taps Secretaries." by grabbing Generals.
He's come a long way from grabbing privates.
A headline writer tells a joke. "Why Buddhist god so ornery?"
Because Buddha, pest, Hungary.
Gandalf is Attending a Rock Concert...
Gandalf gets up on stage before the main act of a rock concert. He stares at the crowd, who cheer for the headlining band. "I am a conjurer of Cheap Trick!" He yells, and crowd surfs off to Valinor.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Video store
I went to blockbuster today to pick out a movie I was approached by a reporter who asked if he could do a story on me, flattered I ask why not?
I read the paper the next day and see the headline "d**... still goes to video store." Thank god no one found out though.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
In the 90's Arsenal Soccer Club
Had a player called David d**.... When he was injured,the Newspaper wrote"arsenal to play without d**...". The coach was upset so the Newspaper changed the headline to read"Arsenal to play with d**... out"... A record number of women attended the match
SNL should parody CNN by having Tina Fey be a news correspondent delivering headlines from a canoe.
They call the segment "Fey Canoes."
Saw a headline that started with "45% of Alabama GOP voters think" ...
... and I stopped reading because that part was surprising enough.
Trump invites the Pope on his yacht...
The Popes hat blows off into the ocean so the Swiss guard and the secret service jump is trying to recover it but the current kept them away. So Trump says "I got it", and jumps overboard and walks across the water retrieves the hat and brings it back to the Pope.
CNN's headline the next day was "Trump Can't Swim!"
A Bostonian shooter opens fire on a Catholic meeting, killing 28 and injuring dozens more.
The newspaper headline the next day reads:
"A Massive Massacre Occurs at Mass in Massachusetts."
Retraction
The following headline appeared in the daily newspaper and threw the city hall into an uproar: "Half the city council are crooks."
A retraction in full was demanded of the editor under the threat of a libel suit. Next afternoon, the headline read, "Half the city council aren't crooks."
Name change
Did you hear about the guy who legally changed his name to 'Username'? When he died, all the headlines read: "Username checks out!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Did you hear about the deaf person who was cut up but was surprisingly happy about the whole thing?
The headline was: Mutilated mute elated
How many???
A blonde was sitting on the train reading the newspaper. The headline blared, "12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed."She shook her head at the sad news, then turned to the stranger sitting next to her and asked, "How many is a Brazilian?"
A short fortune teller committed a crime, and the police put almost no effort into catching her
Headlines the next day read: Small medium largely ignored.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I heard he got caught but got off easy
I just read a news article with the headline "Woman beats off r**...!" and I thought... "Well... that seems like a reasonable compromise..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A football team loses its star player Dante d**... due to an injury...
The next day, the paper reads "Team will play without d**...."
Outraged, the team manager demands that the newspaper change the title and resubmit their article.
The next day, the headline reads "Team to play with d**... out."
I want to move to whichever alternative universe The Onion get their headlines from...
It seems saner.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
In Headlines Today: White House s**... Scandal
Evidence deemed fake n**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Did you see the story in the newspaper about the s**... attack at the laundry?
The headline read "Nut screws washers and bolts"
I've been reading so much about the scary trade disputes between the US and Canada, I see headlines when I blink...
...Frankly, I'm tariff-eyed.
Say what you will, but today's young professionals are the ones that will eventually find the cure for cancer. I can see the headlines now:
"Millennials Killed Cancer"
Have you seen the hype about these cordroy pillow cases...
They're making headlines everywhere
Future Headline: Trump refuses to rise to take the oath at his trial.
He heard you can't arrest a sitting president.
A renowned scientist is frustrated with the popularity of misinformation. In an interview, he tells the press my research is meaningless if taken out of context!
The next day, the public is taken by storm as headlines spread that Renowned Scientist Claims That His Research is Meaningless!
Mentally tough people are better at this important skill:
>!Resisting clickbait headlines.!<
Foot Heads Arms Body
The army was deciding on how much weaponry should be provided to each unit and each soldier. For this, they set up a committee and the veteran General Samuel Foot was chosen to be the head of it.
The newspapers got wind of this and published it on the front page.
The headline was "Foot Heads Arms Body."
News headline indicates there's been a zombie outbreak in North Korea
Headline: Kim Jong, Un-Dead
A couple of italian guys are discussing who, if they could choose any woman in the world, they'd rather bang
One of them says some big name actress, the other says "Virginia Pippilini."
The first guy's like, "Who's that? Is she a model?"
"I don't know"
"Actress?"
"I don't know."
"Singer?"
"I don't know."
"Well if you don't know, why choose her?"
The guy pulls out a newspaper and points to the headline. "Virginia Pipeline blows 50 men dead."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I read a news story recently about a large group of secretive gay vigilantes who founded a temple to the god of sailing that moonlights as a b**... club.
The headline read
"Masked Masc for Masc Masses create Mast Mass for Masochists"
According to a news headline, the world's fattest family has lost 600lbs.
One of them died.
Did you hear about the guy who was run over in a freak steamroller incident in a printing shop?
He made quite a splash across the headlines, but left a good impression on paper
Badoom pssshhh
Can't come in
A theatre manager was worried that his headlining act hadn't turned up yet. His assistant came up to him.
"Sir, you just received this letter from the headlining act"
The manager took the letter and read it.
"Dear sir, I am afraid I cannot come in for the show tonight as I have..."
The manager stopped reading and kept staring at the letter.
"I can't read his writing, is that an I or an O?"
The assistant looked at the letter.
"It's an I"
"Thank goodness, I thought he'd shot himself"
Legal Humor
A recent news headline indicated that lawyers were now being used as experimental test subjects in place of laboratory rats. I read further because this just didn't seem right, but the story gave several very solid reasons for the substitution of lawyers for rats.
First: There are more of them.
Second: The researchers had a tendency to become attached to the laboratory rats.
Third: There are just some things you can't get a rat to do.
What's the difference between Reddit and Twitter?
Doesn't matter. No one reads beyond the headline anyway.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An English bishop was visiting New York and had been warned about quote-hungry American reporters.
As he was walking down the stairs off the plane, a voice amid the camera flashes called out "Hey, Bishop! Will you be visiting any s**... clubs while you're in New York?"
The bishop gave a crinkly smile and said innocently: "Dear me, are there such establishments in this city?"
When he got to his hotel, the headline in the evening paper read: **l**... BISHOP'S FIRST QUESTION: "ARE THERE ANY s**... CLUBS IN NEW YORK?"**
A German woman swore an oath to prepare her large field for planting using only the teachings of Lao-tsu, an ox and a pig. Local farmers call this "impossible".
# Headline:"Frau vows to plow with Tao, cow and sow... somehow."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I went to a concert hosted by the Dyslexics Support Group.
q**... Latina was the headliner and they put on a h**... of a show.
A newspaper kiosk in Russia
Man comes in, buys a newspaper, browses the headlines and throws it away.
This repeats day after day, after a while the kiosk owner asks "Say, why do you buy a newspaper but only read the headlines, what are you looking for?"
"An obituary"
"But they are way back in the newspaper."
"The one I'm looking for will be a headline"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman in her 90s calls her doctor and asks:
"Doctor, where is the heart?"
To which the doctor replies: "it is at the height of your left n**..."
The elderly woman thanks the man and ends the call.
A new day arrives and the doctor reads the headline of his newspaper
"Elderly woman wants to commit s**..., shoots herself in the knee"
Did you see the newspaper headlines about the Christmas Eve robbery at the German bakery? It said…
STOLLEN STOLEN!!
