Heading Jokes

138 heading jokes and hilarious heading puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about heading that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Whether you're looking to make the people in your office laugh, or just want something to entertain you while heading out the door, these jokes about heading out and getting in the right direction will put you in the right direction. Enjoy these hilarious jokes about loudspeakers, corridors and directions.

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Funniest Heading Short Jokes

Short heading jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The heading humour may include short headed jokes also.

  1. At a recent rally, somebody threw a beer at Trump's head... He's fine. It was a draft, so he dodged it.
  2. Today I learned that if you're in a canoe and it flips over in the water.... can safely wear it on your head....because it's capsized.
  3. A cop stops a miner for speeding on the highway COP: Whose car is this? Where are you headed? What do you do?
    miner: mine
  4. "Yoda, are you sure we are heading in the right direction?" Yoda replies: "off course we are"
  5. A doctor says "The good news is it's all in your head." "The bad news is it's brain cancer."
  6. The cop asked, "Whose car is this? Where are you headed? What do you do?" The miner replied, "Mine."
  7. I've lost a lot of weight just by wearing bread on my head. It's a new loaf hat diet I'm trying.
  8. A new strain of head lice has been discovered which is resistant to conventional treatments. That has left scientists scratching their heads.
  9. (from my 11 yo) What does Darth Vader say after cutting someone's head off with a lightsaber? "I find your lack of face disturbing."
  10. A policeman stops a car... Policeman: Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living? Miner: Mine.

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Heading One Liners

Which heading one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with heading? I can suggest the ones about titles and section.

  1. "Yoda, are you sure we're headed in the right direction?" Aaaaaaa.....
  2. What happened to king Henry the VIII's wife's head? (removed)
  3. I like my girls like I like my Dumbledore Head Masters
  4. I treat women like I do numbers.... If they're under 16, do them in your head.
  5. Yo mama so fat... I pictured her in my head and broke my neck.
  6. What did the bra say to the hat? You go on a head, I'll give these two a lift
  7. I have 3 eyes, 6 heads and 15 limbs, what am I? A liar.
  8. I got hit on the head with a can of soda yesterday. Lucky it was a soft drink
  9. My friend threw a can of coke at my head today... Luckily it was a soft drink.
  10. Dating women is like squaring numbers If they're under 15, just do them in your head.
  11. "sometimes you just need a car ride to clear your head." - John. F. Kennedy
  12. If your boat turns upside down you can wear it on your head It's capsized.
  13. Dentist: When was the last time you flossed? Shaking my head. Dude, you were there!
  14. Who has two thumbs and is headed to the hospital? Not me. Christ that tablesaw was sharp.
  15. Why do cops have really clear skin? They're great at popping black heads.

Heading Out Jokes

Here is a list of funny heading out jokes and even better heading out puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Barbies promote unrealistic expectations of women's bodies. Women's heads are much harder to put back on in real life.
  • There's a support group for people addicted to plastic surgery... The head of the group walks in and says, "I'm seeing a lot of new faces this week, and I have to say I'm pretty disappointed."
  • Before my surgery today, the anesthesiologist asked if I'd like to be knocked out with gas or he could just hit me over the head with a canoe paddle. So I guess it was... ether/oar situation.
  • If I were a farmer, how would I measure my height? From my head, tomatoes.
    hope no one has heard this before, thought of it while driving.
  • My wife packed my bags and told me to leave . . . As I was headed out the door, she said "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death." I said, "so now you want me to stay?"
  • My mom said that if I don't get off my computer and do my homework, she's gonna slam my head on the keyboard. But I don't give a fuskhhkxkhdkhhskhd
  • A person with an art degree walks into a bar. They then head behind the counter and start serving drinks.
  • A guy walking to library and asks for a book on sea turtles. The librarian asks "hard back?"
    The guy replies "yeah little heads too."
  • BOSS: I've called you here because I suspect one of you is an owl?
    ME: Who?
    *everyone stares at me, even Gary whose head is turned 180°*
  • I told my psychiatrist that I've been hearing voices in my head. He told me that I don't have a psychiatrist.
Heading joke, I told my psychiatrist that I've been hearing voices in my head.

Witty Heading Jokes for Laughter-Filled Fun with Friends

What funny jokes about heading you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean topic jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make heading pranks.

A Jewish girl....

.....flagged down a cab after drunken night out in town. All too late she realised the driver was heading in the wrong direction, & was driving down a dark country lane into the woods.
He stopped the car, then jumped in the back seat, pulling at the girls clothes frantically.
"Stop, stop!" she screamed.
"Don't worry love, I just want a bit of fun, I ain't going to hurt you" he explained.
"No, it's not that, could you turn the meter off first?" she replied.

Taxi Story

A true story from the pages of the Manchester Evening Times . . .

Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for Salford station leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking driver said "are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."

The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly."
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab.
I've been driving a hearse for 25 years."

In a classroom

The teacher is talking to little girls about Johnny's awful language 'Remember girls, when Johnny starts swearing just go out of our classroom.' Johnny came in and sat down. The teacher asked what are the buildings under construction in town. Kids say many things but then Little Johnny says 'They are building a w**... nearby'. And so every girl got up and started heading for the door. Then Johnny shouted 'Wait up w**..., it will be done in a month, what's the rush'

Two blondes are heading to Disney World, on their way there, they see a sign that says "Disney World Left"...

... They quickly head left and have a great vacation at Disney World.

So people are loading into an airplane

And the pilot of this airplane is blind. At the end of the take off s**... is a huge lake. All the people on the plane are relaxing reading books and talking to each other as the airplane starts to roll down the s**.... A few people see that they are heading towards a lake but they assume the pilot knows what he's doing. The airplane is going dangerously close to the lake and the plane is still not taking off, at this point people are starting panic. The plane is still not taking off and it's way too close to the lake. At this point everyone on the plane is screaming and yelling because the plane is about to plunge into the lake at the end of the s**.... The plane is about 10 feet away from the lake then it lifts off the ground and takes off. The passengers calm down slowly and return to reading and talking . In the front of the plane the pilot laughs to himself and mumbles "one of these days the passengers won't scream and we'll all die."

This Hurricane should have been called Snooki...

The're both heading to the Jersey Shore with plans to blow everyone in a 50 mile radius.

Heading to Chinatown after work...

I heard it's e**... Day.

God was heading out for his annual summer vacation when an angel stopped him...

"Where are you going this year?" the Angel asked.
"Well, definitely not Earth" God said. "I went there one year and got a girl pregnant. They haven't stopped talking about it since."

Bag limit.

A guy was on his boat fishing in a pond and caught way over the bag limit. He was heading back to the dock when the game warden stopped him and asked to check what he caught. The warden opens the fishermen's cooler and sees that the guy has surpassed his limit by about 20 fish. The warden tells the man he has too many fish and he is going to cite the fishermen. The fishermen says "No, you see these are my pet fish. I didn't catch them I called them to me". The warden doesn't believe the guy, and so the fishermen tells the warden he will show him. The guy dumps the cooler of fish in the water. The warden waits a minute and says to the guy "ok now call the fish back".
"What fish?"

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and an Italian are all on a plane.

All three are heading to China for 2 months for a business trip. The Frenchman and the Englishman start talking about the night before:
Englishman: "I'll have you know I made love to my wife 3 times and this morning she told me she adored me"
Frenchman: "Ha ha! That is very good my friend, however, I believe I have you beat; last night I made love to my wife 6 times and this morning she told me should would never love anyone else!"
The Englishman congratulates the Frenchman and then they look over at the Italian who hasn't said anything the whole flight.
Englishman: "How many times did you make love to your wife last night?"
Italian: "Once"
Frenchman: "Once? What did she say in the morning?"
Italian: "Don't stop"

A Pirate Captain Spots a Naval Ship On The Horizon

... He turns to his first mate and says "Get me my red shirt!". The first mate asks why and the captain replies, "If I get injured in battle I wouldn't want my crew to worry about me". The first mate nods and fetches the shirt.
The pirates engage the naval ship but soon discover it was a the flagship of a much larger naval fleet that was heading in their direction.
The captain turns to his first mate and says "Fetch me my brown pants!"

Three men are on a boat back to North America...

A Mexican, an American, and a Canadian are all heading back to their home countries after going on a vacation in Europe. Suddenly the boat starts to sink. The Canadian says, "The boat is too heavy, we need to get rid of some stuff." The Mexican says, "We already have too many of these in Mexico!" and he throws the tacos out of the boat. The Canadian says, "We already have too many of these in Canada!" and he throws all the maple syrup off the boat. The American says, "We already have too many of these in America!" and he throws the Mexican off the boat.
*apoligies for racism, I am not a racist person*

I shared a shuttle ride today with a linguist heading to Turkey to study Tuva t**... singers. (No joke!) I was reminded of this joke: Two linguists were walking down the street. Which one was the expert in contextually-indicated deixis and anaphoric reference resolution strategies?

The other one.

Did you know I have an international bathroom?

When you're heading there you're Russian
When you're in there European
and when you're done you're Finnish
*I'll show myself out*

Indian with his ear to the ground.

A man walking down a road happens upon an Indian with his ear to the ground.
"do you hear something?" the man asks.
The Indian says "a red wagon, two horses, family of five, heading north"
"you can tell all of that just putting your ear to the ground!? " the man asked.
"No, they just ran me over"

What is a character trait of ISIS?

a.) heading
b.) heading
c.) heading

A tourist is cycling in the Dutch countryside...

...when a passing car slows down beside him. The driver rolls down the window and asks You're awfully fast – are you heading to Sexbierum?
The cyclist replies Just the beer and the r**.... I'm married.

I'm heading to Thailand next week for a birthday party.

My mother-in-law is turning 19.

Fella rescued a damsel in distress.

Fella was heading home when he saw a lady beside the road with a flat tire. Being kind hearted, Fella stopped to change the tire for her. Lady was so thankful she invited Fella back to her place for a thank you drink. One thing lead to another and soon they were in the sack together. He realized the time and jumped up with a start. Running around getting his clothes on, he said, "What am I going to tell my wife?" "Wait, do you have any baby powder" he asked. "Certainly" she replied. He dusted his hands with the powder and headed home.
Walking in the door, he was greeted by his wife demanding to know where he had been. So he told her the truth, how he had stopped to change a woman's tire then wound up spending the afternoon in bed with her.
His wife looked at him for a moment, then grabbed his hands looking at them. She screamed at him, "You s**..., you spent the day playing pool again, didn't you?"

Why was the kamikaze pilot so depressed?

He felt his life was heading for a downward spiral.

What's a Muslim soccer player's favorite way to move the ball?

A. k**.... B. Heading. C. Kneeing?

A woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so bad that she ran to the clubhouse for medical assistance. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, What's wrong?

I was stung by a bee! she said. Where? he asked. Between the first and second hole. she replied. He nodded and said, Your stance is far too wide.

A snail gets mugged

A snail is heading home from work, very late one night. He gets mugged by a turtle. The policeman says "Can you describe the guy?" The snail says "I don't know . . . it all happened so fast."

Today I saw this AA man crying hysterically in his van…...

I thought, "He's heading for a breakdown."

My friend crashed his plane recently

his life has been heading in a downward spiral.

What's the worst thing about your gran's f**...?

Heading your head off the coffin after l**... her out.

A lady sat in a restaurant waiting for her date to arrive...

Suddenly, she let one rip. The whole restaurant heard and turned to look at her.
Embarrassed, the lady said to the waiter "stop that!"
He said "Sure, lady. Which way was it heading?"

Joe was heading towards the end of a round of golf...

...when hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty, yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.
All of a sudden, p**...! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.
She yelled, I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?
Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life.
Better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life.
As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything for the rest of your life!!!
Then p**...! she was gone!
After Joe recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, Bill, where are you?
Bill yells back, I'm over here in the pussywillows.

Two blonde girls are heading to Disneyland...

While driving they see a sign "Disney Left". They cry and head home.
(Little bro told me this one. Not sure if it has been told before.)

Who would guess that people will fight to get into trains heading for German camps.

A coffin maker was on his way to deliver a coffin

...when his car broke down. Trying not to be late he put the coffin on his head and began heading to his destination.
A policeman saw him, told him to stop and asked, "Hey what are you carrying and where are you going?"
The man replied,
"I do not like where I was buried so I am relocating."....
The policeman fainted.

I'm using Internet Explorer to post this, so it might be a bit delayed...

But there's a plane heading towards the twin towers right now.

This and That are both on summer break.

That is heading to Florida. This has plans to travel somewhere, but he won't give me the details.
i have no idea where this is going

What does the train say as its heading toward Auschwitz?


A joke I've picked up from working in Higher Education.

At a small university there is the director of the Sociology program, the director of the Religious Studies program, the director of the Anthropology program and the university president. All four of them are heading to a conference in the next town over. The directors all decide to carpool, and the president is driving his Porsche behind them. On the way to the conference the directors loose control of their vehicle and c**... into oncoming traffic. It's a horrific accident. The university president manages to stop his car, gets out, witnesses the accident and exclaims...
"Oh the Humanities!"

Bob and Jim are on the 18th hole...

And as Bob is about to pitch for the green they notice a f**... procession heading down the road adjacent to the course. Bob stops mid swing, drops his club, removes his hat, bows his head and stands for a moment of silence. "That's very respectful of you, Bob." says Jim. Bob puts his hat back on, picks up his club and says "Well, we were married for 35 years."

Heading upstairs to bed last night I started to pull my boxers off...

The wife said 'You spoil them dogs!'

One time I went to my gf's house

and she wasn't there. Her sister was there with s**... l**... and she said "I feel something for you and I want to have s**... with you", I was astonished and so I started heading to the car. Then my girlfriend appeared and said "I love you because you didn't cheat on me".
Morale of the story: always have the condoms in your car.

Heading to work this morning there was a car parked on the train tracks, with a bumper sticker that said "Honk if you love Jesus!"

That train engineer must have REALLY loved Jesus.

I'm sorry Ray, but I'm heading back ...

Straight to that point.

I was heading for the bowl of juice at the party last night. Before I could grab the ladel, another guy walked in front of me and took the last of the juice before I could get any...

...He beat me to the punch.

Modern economy vs the Titanic

Both heading in the same direction, but the game of musical chairs was more fun on the Titanic

Is it a bird? Is it a plane?

Whatever it is, its heading straight for the World Trade Center.

Kanye name his son North West,

So no matter who many people make fun of him, with a name like that we know he is heading straight to the top.
And a little to the left

A programmer is heading out to the grocery store.

His wife tells him "get a gallon of milk, and if they have eggs, get a dozen." He returns with 13 gallons of milk.

TIFU. I was heading northbound and attempted a U-turn.

Here's where things went south.

Isis bumper sticker

I'd rather be heading.

Classic Cajun joke my grandpa told me.

So Boudreaux and Thibodeaux are heading to the bayou to check the trot lines. Boudreaux hooks his truck to his boat trailer and connects the trailer lights.
He says, "Thibodeaux, Check to see if my brake lights are working!"
As Boudreaux presses the brakes, Thibodeaux says, "Yea, they workin!"
Boudreaux turns on the right blinker and says, "Alright how about my blinkers?"
Thibodeaux says, "Yes, no, yes, no, yes!"

A Brit, Mexican, and a Texan are all on a carrier plane heading towards battle.

A Brit, Mexican, and a Texan are all on a carrier plane heading towards battle. The pilot over coms says
"There is to much wait on the plane, someone will have to jump off"
The Brit then goes to the exit of the plane and says,
"For the Queen!"
He then jumps off.
The pilot says
"We are still to heavy, one more person has to jump off"
So the Texan screams "REMEMBER THE ALAMO!"
Then trows the Mexican off.

Why did the octopus cross the reef?

To get to the other tide.

As soon as the Zombie Apocalypse hits

I'm grabbing a sledgehammer and heading down to the local cemetery for the greatest game of Whack-A-Mole ever.

Two blondes were in a car heading to Disneyland

They saw an intersection
It said:
Disneyland left ⬅️
So they started crying and went home.

One Direction broke up...

They are finally heading in the right direction.

A programmer is heading to the store

A programmer is heading to the store and gets a text from his wife:
While you are out, buy some eggs
He never returned.

A couple of cosmonauts were heading to the moon when the unexpectedly turned around

Turns out the moon was full

Just saw a man crying his eyes out driving an AA van

I think he's heading for a breakdown.

Timmy the Turtle...

Timmy the turtle climbed the tree with a glint in his and fierce determination. Finally, standing on the edge of a branch, he jumped and flapped his little legs as fiercely as he could. He hit the ground with a sickening thud and laid there for a few moments before heading back to the tree, blood streaming down one eye as he begins climbing again.
Mummy Robin turns to her husband as she looked down...
"Honey, do you think it is time to tell Timmy he is adopted.."

An ISIS fighter I stopped at a roadblock

The soldier stops him, "Where are you heading?"
The fighter take out his knife and points in front of him and replies, "I'll beheading that way."

Patrick wants a bike...

For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 15-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $85,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."
The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"
Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be d**... if I'm staying here by myself with an $85,000 mortgage and no bike!"

What did the farmer say to the dead chicken

Where are you heading off to?

Drinking tea is bad for you.

Tea is more dangerous than beer. You should avoid it, and just say NO.
I discovered this last night. I had drunk 14 beers, until 3:00 am at the pub, while my wife was sitting at home, drinking tea.
You should have seen how angry and violent she was when I got home.
I was peaceful, silent, and heading to bead as she shouted at me... All Night Long. Even into the next morning!
Please, ladies.... If you can't handle your tea, then just don't drink it!

Once a ship got stuck in the ocean.

A sailor comes to the captain and asks:
-Captain, do you know where are we heading?
-Off course, my boy!

Stop me if you've heard this one...

A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, You are back early, what's wrong? I was stung by a bee! she said. Where? he asked. Between the first and second hole. she replied. He nodded and said, Your stance is far too wide.

Did i ever tell u about the time i went to see a drag race?

Yeah... I wasnt expecting to see a bunch of dudes dressed as ladies heading for the finish line.

Self-discipline is drinking 10 shots of tequila

and heading back to the right home.

Donald Trump is heading to Trump Tower and bumps into a fellow on the busy sidewalk. He turns to the man and says...

"I pardon myself"

On my one month anniversary

My girlfriend made it a point to ask me where i see us heading as couple. Apparently downhill wasn't the correct answer.

Now that Neymar's out of the World cup, he's heading to Thailand.

To rescue those kids, no better diver in the world.

Apparently Neymar is heading to Thailand to help with rescuing the kids from the cave

They need the world's greatest diving expert

What does the English soccer team have in common with the Thai boys?

They're both heading home

I spotted a Marmite van on the motorway.

It was heading yeastbound.

My friend just got a new job heading up Old MacDonald's Farm.

He's the CIEIO

Heading off on a walk once, I said Tally h**...!

And then had to explain to my friend from Tallahassee that I wasn't insulting her.

What did the executioner say to his wife before he left for work?

I'm just heading off!

Eating clean

means I just took a shower and I'm heading to McDonald's..

Cop: Who's car is this? Where are you heading? What do you do?

Miner: Mine.

My blind girlfriend broke up with me as soon as we started heading to gym

She said she just couldn't see us working out

Who's going the wrong way?

A man is listening to the radio in his car when the broadcast is interrupted: Attention! Attention! A driver is heading down the highway in the wrong direction
The man scans the road, clogged with oncoming traffic, and nutters to himself, What do you mean *a* driver? I see hundreds of them!

Dad joking my way out the door.

As I was leaving the office today heading to a job I said to our receptionist "I'll be black later" to which she instantly replied with "I'll be white here"... I got to the door before it clicked.

I'll admit I didn't appreciate the direction NFS 2015 was heading towards.

when they headed to the city there was a lot of traffic

Guy walks into an ice cream shop

And says give me some chocolate, some marshmallows, and some almonds. The elderly gentleman working the counter says Careful son, you're heading down a rocky road.

High school math teachers true-love story....

After being separated for years by cruel fate, the two star-crossed lovers raced towards each other like two freight trains... one leaving Cleveland at 6:30pm and traveling south at 55mph and the other having left Topeka at 4:15pm heading east at 35mph...

Heading joke, High school math teachers true-love story....

jokes about heading