Heading Jokes

Following is our collection of Heading funnies and chistes working better than reddit. They include dirty puns, clean gags suitable for kids, that are actually fun like the best witze.

The Best Heading jokes

TIL: After Pearl Harbor, US warships fired upon friendly u boats heading back to port.

Whoops, wrong sub.

A woman and a man standing in an elevator...

The man asks: "Where are you going?"
"I'm going to donate my blood"
"How much do they pay for that" - asks the man
"About $30"
"Wow, all that blood for $30? I'm going to donate sperm now, and the sperm bank is giving me $100". Frustrated, the woman leaves the elevator.
The next day they meets again, and the man says: "Nice to meet you again, where are you heading today?". "Two teh spehm bahnk" - she replies with her mouth full

A snail gets mugged

A snail is heading home from work, very late one night. He gets mugged by a turtle. The policeman says "Can you describe the guy?" The snail says "I don't know . . . it all happened so fast."

A programmer is heading to the store

A programmer is heading to the store and gets a text from his wife:

While you are out, buy some eggs

He never returned.

An attractive man and a blonde meet in an elevator...

"Where are we heading today?" the man asks.

"I'm going down to give blood"

"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"

"About $30."

"Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100."

The woman slightly annoyed gets off the elevator.

The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again.

"Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?"

"Sperm bank," she mumbles with her mouth full.

Stop me if you've heard this one...

A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, You are back early, what's wrong? I was stung by a bee! she said. Where? he asked. Between the first and second hole. she replied. He nodded and said, Your stance is far too wide.

I'm using Internet Explorer to post this, so it might be a bit delayed...

But there's a plane heading towards the twin towers right now.

Dirty Joke

A man and a woman meet in an elevator. "Where are you heading today?" the man asks.
"I'm going down to give blood."
"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"
"About $20."
"Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100." The woman angrily gets off the elevator.
The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again.
"Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?"
"Sperm bank," she says with her mouth full.

Donald Trump and Joe Biden are on a plane heading straight towards a volcano. Who survives?

The United States of America.

Joe was heading towards the end of a round of golf...

...when hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty, yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden, POOF! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.

She yelled, I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?

Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life.

Better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life.

As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything for the rest of your life!!!

Then POOF! she was gone!

After Joe recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, Bill, where are you?

Bill yells back, I'm over here in the pussywillows.

Joe shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, BILL. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING !

So people are loading into an airplane

And the pilot of this airplane is blind. At the end of the take off strip is a huge lake. All the people on the plane are relaxing reading books and talking to each other as the airplane starts to roll down the strip. A few people see that they are heading towards a lake but they assume the pilot knows what he's doing. The airplane is going dangerously close to the lake and the plane is still not taking off, at this point people are starting panic. The plane is still not taking off and it's way too close to the lake. At this point everyone on the plane is screaming and yelling because the plane is about to plunge into the lake at the end of the strip. The plane is about 10 feet away from the lake then it lifts off the ground and takes off. The passengers calm down slowly and return to reading and talking . In the front of the plane the pilot laughs to himself and mumbles "one of these days the passengers won't scream and we'll all die."

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and an Italian are all on a plane.

All three are heading to China for 2 months for a business trip. The Frenchman and the Englishman start talking about the night before:

Englishman: "I'll have you know I made love to my wife 3 times and this morning she told me she adored me"

Frenchman: "Ha ha! That is very good my friend, however, I believe I have you beat; last night I made love to my wife 6 times and this morning she told me should would never love anyone else!"

The Englishman congratulates the Frenchman and then they look over at the Italian who hasn't said anything the whole flight.

Englishman: "How many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

Italian: "Once"

Frenchman: "Once? What did she say in the morning?"

Italian: "Don't stop"

Patrick wants a bike...

For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 15-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $85,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."

The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"

Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with an $85,000 mortgage and no bike!"

What is a character trait of ISIS?

a.) heading

b.) heading

c.) heading

Three men are on a boat back to North America...

A Mexican, an American, and a Canadian are all heading back to their home countries after going on a vacation in Europe. Suddenly the boat starts to sink. The Canadian says, "The boat is too heavy, we need to get rid of some stuff." The Mexican says, "We already have too many of these in Mexico!" and he throws the tacos out of the boat. The Canadian says, "We already have too many of these in Canada!" and he throws all the maple syrup off the boat. The American says, "We already have too many of these in America!" and he throws the Mexican off the boat.

*apoligies for racism, I am not a racist person*

A joke I've picked up from working in Higher Education.

At a small university there is the director of the Sociology program, the director of the Religious Studies program, the director of the Anthropology program and the university president. All four of them are heading to a conference in the next town over. The directors all decide to carpool, and the president is driving his Porsche behind them. On the way to the conference the directors loose control of their vehicle and crash into oncoming traffic. It's a horrific accident. The university president manages to stop his car, gets out, witnesses the accident and exclaims...

"Oh the Humanities!"

Fella rescued a damsel in distress.

Fella was heading home when he saw a lady beside the road with a flat tire. Being kind hearted, Fella stopped to change the tire for her. Lady was so thankful she invited Fella back to her place for a thank you drink. One thing lead to another and soon they were in the sack together. He realized the time and jumped up with a start. Running around getting his clothes on, he said, "What am I going to tell my wife?" "Wait, do you have any baby powder" he asked. "Certainly" she replied. He dusted his hands with the powder and headed home.
Walking in the door, he was greeted by his wife demanding to know where he had been. So he told her the truth, how he had stopped to change a woman's tire then wound up spending the afternoon in bed with her.
His wife looked at him for a moment, then grabbed his hands looking at them. She screamed at him, "You SOB, you spent the day playing pool again, didn't you?"

A Truck Driver's Duty

A truck driver was heading down the highway when he saw a priest at the side of the road. Feeling it was his duty, he stopped to give the priest a ride. A short time later, he saw a lawyer with a briefcase on the side of the road and aimed his truck at him.

At the last second, he thought of the priest with him and realized he couldn't run over the lawyer, so he swerved, but he heard a thump anyway. Looking back as he drove on, he didn't see anything.

He began to apologize for his behavior to the priest. "I'm sorry, Father. I barely missed that lawyer at the side of the road."

But the priest said, "Don't worry, son. I got him with my door."

Little Boy & $289,000 Mortgage

For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle.
His father said, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $289,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it.'

The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase.
So he asked, 'Son, where are you going?'

Little Joseph told him, 'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mum you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too!..

..And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $289,000 mortgage and no fuckin' bike!'

This and That are both on summer break.

That is heading to Florida. This has plans to travel somewhere, but he won't give me the details.

i have no idea where this is going

A man and a women meet on the elevator.

The man says "Where are you heading today?" She says "The blood bank." "How much do they pay?" asks the man. "$20" "Wow, I'm going to the sperm bank, they pay $100." Frustratedly, the woman leaves the elavator. The next day, both the man and the woman meet on the elavator. The man says "Fancy meeting you again, where are you off to today?" "The sperm bank" she says with her mouth full.

A Brit, Mexican, and a Texan are all on a carrier plane heading towards battle.

A Brit, Mexican, and a Texan are all on a carrier plane heading towards battle. The pilot over coms says

"There is to much wait on the plane, someone will have to jump off"

The Brit then goes to the exit of the plane and says,
"For the Queen!"
He then jumps off.

The pilot says
"We are still to heavy, one more person has to jump off"

So the Texan screams "REMEMBER THE ALAMO!"
Then trows the Mexican off.

A young couple finish their first date...

...and are heading back to their hotel room. As the man is about to open the door, the woman halts him and says, "Look, I can tell how you make love just by the way you open that door."

She continued, "For instance, my last date thrust the key into the lock and barged the door open. That showed to me that he was rough when making love, and I don't like that."

She paused for a second to recollect her thoughts and then continued, "and the date before spent ten minutes poking around trying to find the lock, and that showed to me that he had no experience, and I don't like that either."

She then fixed her eyes onto the man and asked, "So how do you open the door?"

"Well," the man replied, "first I *lick the lock*!"

A koala bear breaks in to a prostitutes home,

And starts to perform oral sex on her. He does his thing and when he is done he jumps up and heads for the door. The prostitute stops him and demands pay. The koala bear is bewildered. So she grabs a dictionary and opens it up to prostitute. Under the heading the find "a woman or man who sells sex for money." Unfazed the koala casually thumbs back to koala and points. Under the heading they find " a bear native to Australia who eats bushes and leaves."

Two blondes were in a car heading to Disneyland

They saw an intersection

It said:
Disneyland left ⬅️

So they started crying and went home.

In a classroom

The teacher is talking to little girls about Johnny's awful language 'Remember girls, when Johnny starts swearing just go out of our classroom.' Johnny came in and sat down. The teacher asked what are the buildings under construction in town. Kids say many things but then Little Johnny says 'They are building a whorehouse nearby'. And so every girl got up and started heading for the door. Then Johnny shouted 'Wait up whores, it will be done in a month, what's the rush'

Cop: Who's car is this? Where are you heading? What do you do?

Miner: Mine.

Just a typical, Wednesday taxi ride...

Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for the airport leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking driver said "Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the living daylights out of me."

The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly."

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for 25 years."

-Credits to a friend, who has an internet-phobia.

Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad...

...and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking: "What would you do if you realised that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?" Tom says: "I would switch one train to another track".

"What if the lever broke?" asks the inspector. "Then I'd run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down there" answers Tom. "What if that had been struck by lightning?" challenges the inspector.

"Then" Tom continued "I'd run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box".

"What if the phone was busy?" "In that case" Tom argued "I'd run to the street level and use the public phone near the station".

"What if that had been vandalised?" "Oh well" said Tom "In that case I would run into town and get my Uncle Leo".

This puzzled the inspector, so he asked "Why would you do that?" "Because he's never seen a train crash!"

A woman is donating some blood to make a little extra money . . .

She heads to the hospital and gets on the elevator with a man about her age. They say hello and she tells him she is heading to the 4th floor and asks if he would push the button for her. He clicks the button and also hits the 6th floor button for himself. A few weeks later the woman returns to the hospital to donate and again runs into the same man. As they enter the elevator he clicks the 4th and 6th floor buttons and asks her why she is at the hospital again. She tells him that she makes $50 by donating blood and asks why he has returned to the hospital. He tells her he makes $100 donating sperm. The following month they once again end up on the same elevator and as they enter the man asks the woman, "4th floor?". She shakes her head and says with a full mouth, "No m goin to da shixth floor"

Patrick wants a bike...

For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."

The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"

Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with an $80,000 mortgage and no bike!"

The Taxi man.

Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for the airport leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking driver said "Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the living daylights out of me."

The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly."

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for 25 years."

This Hurricane should have been called Snooki...

The're both heading to the Jersey Shore with plans to blow everyone in a 50 mile radius.

Heading to Chinatown after work...

I heard it's Erection Day.

So Little Timmy is Playing with His Legos...

...when all of a sudden his mother comes up to him. She tells him "Timmy, when your father comes home can you tell him to come to our room? Tell him it's very very important". Timmy agrees and continues to play with his legos. A couple of hours later the father comes home and Timmy runs to him and says "Daddy! Mommy says she needs you go to your bedroom, she said it's very very important!". The father starts heading to the bedroom, but Timmy begins to get curious. He secretly follows his dad and waits for him to close the door. He peeks through the keyhole and sees his mom rip off all of her clothes. Standing there naked, she tells the father very bluntly "John. I want a baby". 9 months later, Timmy receives a new baby sister. A couple days at home pass and Timmy goes up to his mom. He tells her "Mommy, when daddy comes home can you tell him to come to my room? It's super important!". A couple hours pass and the father comes home and greets his wife and newborn. She then tells him "John, Timmy wants you to go to his room, he said it was important". The father heads to Timmy's room, and after walking in Timmy begins to rip off all of his clothes. Standing in front of his father naked, Timmy says very bluntly "Daddy. I want a bike".

A pirate ship is sailing across the Atlantic..

When suddenly the lookout shouts, "Enemy ship heading our way!" The captain, as soon as he hears this, tells his first mate to go grab his red coat.

After they defeated the enemy, his first mate asks what the red coat was for. The captain responds, "Whenever I go into battle with my crew, I don't want them to lose morale by seeing my blood stain me, so I wear this coat to hide my wounds from them."

The next day the lookout warns them, "There's a fleet of five enemy ships heading our way!"

Upon hearing this, the captain tells his first mate to grab his brown pants.

Mortgage

For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."
The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"
Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with an $80,000 mortgage and no bike!"

Taxi Story

A true story from the pages of the Manchester Evening Times . . .

Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for Salford station leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking driver said "are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."

The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly."
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab.
I've been driving a hearse for 25 years."

A coffin maker was on his way to deliver a coffin

...when his car broke down. Trying not to be late he put the coffin on his head and began heading to his destination.

A policeman saw him, told him to stop and asked, "Hey what are you carrying and where are you going?"

The man replied,

"I do not like where I was buried so I am relocating."....

The policeman fainted.

A woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so bad that she ran to the clubhouse for medical assistance. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, What's wrong?

I was stung by a bee! she said. Where? he asked. Between the first and second hole. she replied. He nodded and said, Your stance is far too wide.

My friend just got a new job heading up Old MacDonald's Farm.

He's the CIEIO

As soon as the Zombie Apocalypse hits

I'm grabbing a sledgehammer and heading down to the local cemetery for the greatest game of Whack-A-Mole ever.

A Jewish girl....

.....flagged down a cab after drunken night out in town. All too late she realised the driver was heading in the wrong direction, & was driving down a dark country lane into the woods.
He stopped the car, then jumped in the back seat, pulling at the girls clothes frantically.
"Stop, stop!" she screamed.
"Don't worry love, I just want a bit of fun, I ain't going to hurt you" he explained.
"No, it's not that, could you turn the meter off first?" she replied.

Indian with his ear to the ground.

A man walking down a road happens upon an Indian with his ear to the ground.

"do you hear something?" the man asks.

The Indian says "a red wagon, two horses, family of five, heading north"

"you can tell all of that just putting your ear to the ground!? " the man asked.

"No, they just ran me over"

A lady sat in a restaurant waiting for her date to arrive...

Suddenly, she let one rip. The whole restaurant heard and turned to look at her.

Embarrassed, the lady said to the waiter "stop that!"

He said "Sure, lady. Which way was it heading?"

Why did the octopus cross the reef?

To get to the other tide.

Ha.ha.ha. I'm heading out now.

Driving home very drunk

It seems a gentleman had too much alcohol at a party, was heading home, and was pulled over by a state trooper. Upon being tested, the fellow couldn't walk a straight line any more than he could drive one, so the trooper wrote out a ticket and had just given it to the driver before an accident in the opposite lane took his attention to more important matters.

The inebriated driver, figuring that the trooper wasn't coming back to him, drove home and went to bed. he was awakened in the morning by a knock at the door, created by two more state troopers.

"Are you Mr. Johnson?" the asked? He admitted that he was.

"Were you pulled over at Main Street last night for driving under the influence?" Again, the man admitted that was he.

"And what did you do then," the troopers asked." The man replied that he drove his car home and went to bed.

"Where is your car now?" the troopers enquired. The man answered that it was in the garage.

"May we see the car?" asked the troopers. The man answered, "Sure," and opened the garage.

Inside the garage was the state troopers car.

the soap dispensing priest

Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.

Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it , not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers. He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way.

Having no place to hide , he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue. The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.

The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled , he drops a bar of soap. "Oh look" says the first nun , "it's a soap dispenser". To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood. Sure enough , he drops the second bar of soap. Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives several more tugs , then yells..."Holy Mary , Mother of God , HAND LOTION TOO!"

Guy walks into an ice cream shop

And says give me some chocolate, some marshmallows, and some almonds. The elderly gentleman working the counter says Careful son, you're heading down a rocky road.

Patrick wants a bike...

For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."
The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"
Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with an $80,000 mortgage and no bike!"

So there are a group of engineers and a group of mathematicians heading to a conference

They are sitting on a train together when both groups spot the train's ticket collector coming down the aisle. Quickly two of the engineers scuttle into the washroom, leaving the mathematicians confused. After the collector stamps all the mathematicians tickets he approaches the washroom and knocks.

"Ticket please"

A ticket slides under the door, and is stamped by the collector and returned.

"Thank you!" replies the collector.

Both groups then enjoy lots of nerdy things at the conference.

On the way home the mathematicians had learned the engineers trick. As the train pulls away the mathematicians all hide in the washroom, using the scam they had seen the engineers pull on the way there.

One engineer stands up and then knocks on the washroom declaring "Ticket please!" After which the mathematicians slides his ticket under the door.

The mathematicians pile out of the washroom and return to their seats with a grin on their faces.

Soon after the ticket collector enters the car, at which time all the engineers cram themselves into the washroom.

Help me finish a joke?

I don't even know if this is the right place for this, but I'll try it and see what happens...

This sounds ridiculous, but here goes. In a dream last night, I told a joke. I don't exactly remember all of it, and woke up towards the end. But I like the setup. Please take a look at the part that I'm able to remember and add your own interpretation. Feel free to change anything you need in order to make the joke better.

Also, if there's a better place for me to post this, please let me know.

Here's what I remember...

Three ducks are out swimming, heading "somewhere", when they come across a magic lamp. The first duck rubs the lamp and a genie pops out. The first duck asks the genie for a quicker way to reach "somewhere". With a clap of the genie's hands, a rowboat appears in the lake.

The ducks row for a while, but they get tired. The second duck rubs the lamp, and again, the genie pops out. The second duck says the boat is nice, but asks for a quicker way to get "somewhere". Again, the genie claps his hands, and an outboard motor appears at the back of the rowboat. They fire up the motor and get moving.

That's what I remember telling in the dream. I'm just curious what you all can come up with based on that. Change whatever you like, but would appreciate if we could keep the ducks, the genie, and the rowboat please. Thanks for reading.

#2857: Two priests are in a shower.

They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.

Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress.

He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, while he is halfway down the hall when he sees three newly inducted nuns from other city heading his way.

Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue.

The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.

The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood.

Startled, he drops a bar of soap.

"Oh look" says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser".

To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood. Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap.

Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice, and three times but nothing happens.

So she gives several more tugs, then yells:

"Holy Mary, Mother of God! LIQUID SOAP TOO!"

Heading to market

Little Johnny's mom sends him out to the store for some nuts so she can make brownies. On the way to the store, little johnny witnesses a horrendous car accident in which a car explodes with a man still inside. Stunned by what he jus saw he runs all the way home to tell his mom. He runs in and says, "Mom there was this giant accident!!! This guy was trapped in a car and it exploded! His body parts went everywhere! His arm flew this way and his leg the other way it was intense!" To which his mom replies, "And the nuts!?" "O I don't know where they went.."


Joke I heard when I was kid, sorry if repost or if the wording is a bit off, its been a while.

The frightened taxi driver

Last week a passenger in a taxi heading for the Boston airport, leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was quiet in the cab.

Then, the shaking driver said, "Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."

The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, " I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly"

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault."

"Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for 25 years."

Ticket Please!

A group 3 Pakistanis and a group 3 Indians were all heading to the Cricket World cup via Train. Upon entering the train the Indian group saw the Pakistanis just pay for a single while they bought 3 individual tickets.
When the conductor came along the Indians saw that all 3 Pakistanis quickly filed in to the bathroom. The conductor knocked on the door and asked for the ticket. A single hand came out and handed him the ticket. Observing this the Indians decided to try it on their return trip.
On the return trip the Indians bought a single ticket and the same group of Pakistanis bought no ticket at all! When the conductor came along the 3 Pakistanis filed into one bathroom while the 3 Indians filed into another.
Then one Pakistani came out of the bathroom knocked on the door of the Indians bathroom and asked, "Ticket please!"

Did you know I have an international bathroom?

When you're heading there you're Russian

When you're in there European

and when you're done you're Finnish

*I'll show myself out*

A programmer is heading out to the grocery store.

His wife tells him "get a gallon of milk, and if they have eggs, get a dozen." He returns with 13 gallons of milk.

Now that Neymar's out of the World cup, he's heading to Thailand.

To rescue those kids, no better diver in the world.

Donald Trump is heading to Trump Tower and bumps into a fellow on the busy sidewalk. He turns to the man and says...

"I pardon myself"

My British fathers signature Dadjoke

There once were two neighbouring farms, and the two farmers who lived there like many farmers would always adhere to their daily routine.

Every morning at 9 am after feeding all the livestock, they would arrive at their mailboxes at exactly the same time to collect their newspaper and have some smalltalk before heading back up the long road to their farms.

Farmer Brown :"Morning farmer Joe"

Farmer Joe : "Morning farmer Brown"

Farmer Brown : "I heard you had a sick cow last week"

Farmer Joe : "Oh I did all right, a very sick cow"

Farmer Brown : "Well what did you give it?"

Farmer Joe : "Turpentine"


and so they went on their way


A month or so goes by and they meet once again

Farmer Brown :"Morning farmer Joe"


Farmer Joe : "Morning farmer Brown"

Farmer Brown : "I had a sick cow yesterday and I tried turpentine like you said. It died."

Farmer Joe : "yeah mine too"

A couple of cosmonauts were heading to the moon when the unexpectedly turned around

Turns out the moon was full

Classic Cajun joke my grandpa told me.

So Boudreaux and Thibodeaux are heading to the bayou to check the trot lines. Boudreaux hooks his truck to his boat trailer and connects the trailer lights.

He says, "Thibodeaux, Check to see if my brake lights are working!"

As Boudreaux presses the brakes, Thibodeaux says, "Yea, they workin!"

Boudreaux turns on the right blinker and says, "Alright how about my blinkers?"

Thibodeaux says, "Yes, no, yes, no, yes!"

A sad story

For his birthday, little Johnny asked for a 10-speed bicycle.

His father said, Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $489,000 and your mother just lost her job.

I'm sorry but there's no way we can afford it.

The next day the father saw little Johnny heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, Son, where are you going?

Little Johnny told him, I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out.

Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.

And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a $489,000 mortgage and no fuckin' bike.

Bob and Jim are on the 18th hole...

And as Bob is about to pitch for the green they notice a funeral procession heading down the road adjacent to the course. Bob stops mid swing, drops his club, removes his hat, bows his head and stands for a moment of silence. "That's very respectful of you, Bob." says Jim. Bob puts his hat back on, picks up his club and says "Well, we were married for 35 years."

Why was the kamikaze pilot so depressed?

He felt his life was heading for a downward spiral.

3 drunk men get into a taxi...

3 drunk men get into a taxi. After listening to the instructions from the men, the driver realised that he could scam them easily. So he turned on the engine, revved it a bit and turned it off.

The first one paid, got out and walked away, the second walked out and threw up in the bushes, but to his horror, the cab driver saw the third man heading for the driver's side door, assuming the gig was up, the driver prepared to make a run for it.

Before he could, the man reached in and slapped him twice, and said in a loud voice,"next time don't drive so fast!".

(Apologies if I butchered the joke)

Timmy the Turtle...

Timmy the turtle climbed the tree with a glint in his and fierce determination. Finally, standing on the edge of a branch, he jumped and flapped his little legs as fiercely as he could. He hit the ground with a sickening thud and laid there for a few moments before heading back to the tree, blood streaming down one eye as he begins climbing again.

Mummy Robin turns to her husband as she looked down...

"Honey, do you think it is time to tell Timmy he is adopted.."

Isis bumper sticker

I'd rather be heading.

Just saw a man crying his eyes out driving an AA van

I think he's heading for a breakdown.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends.

Joko Jokes