headaches Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious headaches puns

Blowjobs do not relieve headaches

The other day, I had an astoundingly painful headache and I couldn't help but complain about it to my girlfriend. She surprised me by saying, "Ya know, blowjobs can be a natural cure for a headache..."
So, I thought it was worth a shot. But that day I learned my girlfriend is damned a liar.
I sucked three dicks and my head still fucking hurt.

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A guy goes to see his doctor about his headaches

They have tried several treatments, and none have worked.

The doctor says, "This sounds crazy, but I used to have headaches like yours. One night I was with my wife, and I went down on her. She squeezed my head really hard with her thighs, and my headache went away. It works every time."

The guy says, "At this point, I'll try anything."

A couple of weeks later, the guy stops by the doctor's office, "Doc, I don't know how to thank you. I took your advice, and you were right, as soon as she squeezed my head with her thighs, my headache was gone. The headache has come back a few times, but I do the thing, get squeezed, and it's gone. It's a miracle."

The doctor says, "Well, I'm glad I could help."

The guy says, "Well, thanks again, Oh, and by the way, you have a beautiful home."

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Headaches

A man and his wife are getting into bed for the night. The man brings a glass of water and a bottle of aspirin to the bedroom and sets it down on his wife's nightstand. She asks him "What's that for?" to which the man replies "That's for your headache." "Headache? I don't have a headache..." The man responds "Well then, looks like we're having sex tonight!"

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Ebola causes headaches, feelings of nausea and is very difficult to get rid of.

Is it a virus or a free U2 album?

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I unplugged my carbon monoxide detector from the wall today

All that beeping was giving me headaches and making me feel nauseous

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A man suffering from persistent headaches for years finally decides to go to the doctor.

After several exams, meetings with consultants and various tests, the doctor tells, "You have an unusual condition in which your testicles are pressed up against the base of your spine, causing your headaches. We don't know how this is caused, but the only long term solution available is to remove them permanently."

After much angst, the man decides to go through with the procedure. The operation is complete, and the man wakes up headache free. Delighted with his new lease on life, he decides to treat himself to a new custom made suit.

Arriving at the best suit-maker in town, the tailor tells the man he's so good that he doesn't need a tape measure to know his sizes.

Intrigued, the man said "prove it."

"Very well. You shirt size is a 42" collar"

The man nods.

"Your jacket is a size 40"

Impressed now, the nods again.

"Your waist size is 36" and your legs 34""

"Right again" said the man. "But I bet you can't guess my underwear size."

"I would say a 32, sir" said the tailor

"Wrong!" said the man. "Worn a size 30 all my life."

"Oh no, sir, you wouldn't want to do that. A size 30 would push your balls up against your spine and give you terrible headaches."

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You shouldn't worry about headaches

I mean, it's all in your head.

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Migraine headaches

There was this guy who constantly get migraine headaches, he tried all different type of drugs and it didn't work for him. So he decided to go to the specialist. He told the doctor about his migraine and also let him know he tried all the drugs that are available in market but they still didn't help him. Doctor said "I know what you mean, I had the same problem, but I did something out of ordinary and it worked. Whenever I get headaches I go down on my wife and give her best oral sex. When she about to climax she squeezes my head with her thighs and its been helping me with my headaches. And you should try it out."

After couple of months doctor meets that guy on street and asks him I haven't seen you for long time after your visit, how's your headaches?

The guy said your technique really worked, but I just have one question who made that portrait of you and your wife top of your bed?

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The teacher asks her class for some examples of medicines tgey use at home

Little Kevin promptly raises his hands and says, "Tylenol! For headaches!"

The teacher says, "Very good, Kevin, anyone else?"

Little Lisa answers from the back, "Um, Ambien, my Mom tells me it helps her sleep...?"

The teacher smiles at her and says, "Good job, Lisa," then turns to her class and goes on, "Listen here children, always be careful with medicines at home, okay? Now, does anyone else have another example?"

Little Johnny raises his hands slowly and says, "Viagra? For diarrhoea?"

The teacher freezes for a second, before the rest of his statement hits her and she stammers out, "F-for diarrhoea?"

Little Johnny explains, "Yeah, my Mom keeps telling my dad to take it, it'll harden his shit up."

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Chronic headaches treatment

A man visits a doctor about chronic headaches. The doctor prescribes some medication, and says to the man: "Stress is the source of your headaches. Myself, I do have a lot of stress, and there's nothing better than sex with my wife. [laughing]". Finally, the doc schedules the man for a checkup visit the following month, and the man leaves.

Next month, the man returns, and the doctors inquires if his condition has changed. The man says: "The treatment you prescribed really made a difference. I feel like a new person. Thank you." The man, gets up and is about to exit. On the way out he says: "By the way doc, you have a beautiful home."

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I go to the doctors office...

And tell the doctor that I've been having headaches and pains in my side.

The doctor says, "We'll run every test we can." then takes some blood and leaves the room.

The doctor comes in a short time later and says "Sir, this is pretty serious, I need to ask you to stop masturbating."

Horrified I ask "Why? What's wrong doctor?"

He says "I'm trying to examine you."

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A man goes to his doctor for an annual checkup

"Doc, I feel great, my headaches are gone, my hearing is better and I can finally stand uo straight."

"That's good to hear, here your test results say that your body has miraculously improved. For a 50 year old man like you, you have the physical abilities of a 30 year old."

"Thanks doc."

"Tell me, how did you make such a recovery."

"My wife's been giving me the silent treatment for a month"

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Side effects may include increased or decreased intelligence, headaches, red eyes, loss of sleep, drowsiness, suicidal thoughts, narcolepsy, unsuppressed crying, and death.

Ask your doctor if you should take school today.

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what do you call a painter who gets terrible headaches?

an aspirin artist.

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I've had chronic chest pain and headaches for a while so I went to a family doctor for an X-ray, but he wouldn't help me.

I'm a orphan.

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What do you call an evil person with headaches?

Advillians

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I went up to a shop assistant.

I said, "Have you got anything for headaches?"

She said, "There's a Slipknot CD in my bag."

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You got problems with parenting...

You start to get headaches. I follow the instructions on the aspirin bottle:


"Take two and keep away from children."

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The doctors were concerned...

..about my headaches, so they sent me for a brain scan.
They found nothing.
Still concerned, they gave me an IQ test.
The results were negative.

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My mother went to the doctor complaining of muscle pain, joint pain and frequent headaches

The doctor examined her and diagnosed her with hypochondria. She replied 'oh no, not that as well'.

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A man who has been having terrible headaches goes to the doctor with his wife...

...the doctor examines him and afterwards takes his wife aside. The doctor confides in the wife that the man has a terrible strain on his body and will die if undergoes any undue stress. "That means," the doctor says, " you can not let him do any chores around the house. You must let him watch what he wants on television. He needs to be kept in a state of relaxation at all times. If he needs something you bring it to him, if he asks for something, he gets it. He should be kept in his favorite chair, with his favorite food and favorite things all around. Sex is right out, except for you giving him oral sex when he wants it. Do you understand what all this means?"
The woman, shaken replies, "Yes, doctor, yes I do." She thanks him and collects her husband.
Once in the car, her husband asks, "So, what did the doctor tell you?"
The wife looks at her husband and says, "Honey, you're going to die."

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What does U2's album and Ebola have in common?

Both cause headaches, feelings of nausea, and are difficult to get rid of.

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Girls are like Beer

They give you pleasure at night.
But give you headaches in the morning.

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Ebola causes nausea, headaches and is hard to get rid of.

Is it a disease or a U2 album?

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Headaches aren't real..

They're all in your head.

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"Doctors report a new super effective painkiller."

Its axed shaped for splitting headaches!

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What's white, digs holes in your garden and helps with headaches?

A paracetamole!

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Bob mixing up his 'N's and his 'D's was never really a problem...

Until his doctor told him to slam Advil for his headaches

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What's a selfish headaches favorite crop to grow?

Mygraine

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Where do math teachers with headaches live?

Advil

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A blowjob is the best cure for female headaches

Your man cant hit you while doing it

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Headaches

Doctor: "I recommend that you take a pain reliever for those headaches."
Me: "OK, which kind?"
Doctor: "Aleve it up to you."

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What are the best Headaches puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Headaches? Well, here are the best jokes about Headaches to have fun with.

Joko Jokes