Headache Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

My carbon monoxide detector won't stop beeping.

It's giving me a headache, and dizziness, and nausea.

I had to remove the battery from my carbon monoxide detector.

The constant beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick.

A man tells his wife before he goes to bed, "I'm gonna go get your aspirin"

The wife says, "Aspirin? I don't have a headache."
"Ah, HAH!!" The man exclaimed

Chinese Sick Day

Ho Chow calls in to work and say,

"Hey boss, I no come work today, I very sick. Got headache, stomach ache, and legs hurt. I no come work today"

The boss says, "You know something Ho Chow, I really need you today. When I get sick like you do, I go to my wife and ask for sex. That make everything better and I go to work. You try that."

Two hours later ho Chow calls again and says,

"I try what you say and I feel great! I be at work soon. You have really nice house by the way!"

I took the batteries out of my carbon monoxide alarm today

The loud beeping was giving me a headache.

A man goes up to his wife...

He holds out his hand offering her two aspirin and a glass of water.

She says with a puzzled look on her face "But I don't have a headache?"

He replies with a smirk on his face "good! We can have sex then."

Chinese man calls in sick

Ho Chow calls in work and say, "Hey, I no come work today. I really sick, got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come to work."

The boss says, "You know what Ho, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and ask her for sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."

Two hours later Ho Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."

Layoffs

The boss has to lay off one person from his department and he's narrowed the choice down to Ann or Jack. First he invites Ann in.
The boss says "I have a problem, I have to lay you or Jack off"
"You better jack off, I've got a headache"

Why did the console gamer get a headache at the art museum?

Too many frames.

The boss of a small company has two employees, Jack and Jill…

Just recently the company has been doing badly, so the boss decides one of them must go.

Arriving at his office on Monday, the first person he sees is Jill, so he asks her to step into his office and explains his dilemma.

"Look Jill, I'm afraid I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off."

Jill replies, "You'll have to jack off then, 'cause I've got a headache."

I had to take the batteries out of my carbon monoxide detector.

All the beeping was giving me a headache and making me sleepy.

Jack and Jill work together in an office...

Things are getting very slow and the manager realizes he has to let one of them go but he can't decide. The manager approaches Jill and says "I have to lay you or Jack off".

"Jack off!" snaps Jill "I have a headache".

Headaches

A man and his wife are getting into bed for the night. The man brings a glass of water and a bottle of aspirin to the bedroom and sets it down on his wife's nightstand. She asks him "What's that for?" to which the man replies "That's for your headache." "Headache? I don't have a headache..." The man responds "Well then, looks like we're having sex tonight!"

I took the batteries out of my carbon monoxide detector today

The loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.

When I get a headache, I take 2 aspirins and keep away from children, just like it says on the bottle.

A wheat farmer has a headache and all his crops disappear

Ahh Migraines!

Last night in bed,

my wife said we should try some role reversal. So I told her, I had a headache.

Buying aspirin

Joe has always had an uncontrollable twitch in his left eyelid since young. Fred has a splitting headache and asks Joe to go get some aspirins. Half an hour later Joe comes back with a dozen packets of condoms.

"I asked you to get me aspirins, not condoms."

"Yeah, I went to a dozen drug stores, but have you ever tried asking for aspirin with a tic in your eye?"

A man gives his wife a glass of water and two aspirin

His wife says, "What are these for? I don't have a headache."

The man replies, "Great! Let's f***!"

I handed my wife some paracetamol.

I handed my wife some paracetamol (i.e Tylenol), to which she gave me an odd look. She asked me "why would I want these?"

"Do you not have a headache?"

"No" she responded.

"Not feeling unwell at all?"

"No, I am feeling perfectly fine".

"That's great, we can have sex this evening then".

My Dad had a headache the other day so I asked if he needed any pills.

He said "The only pills that could have stopped this head ache should have been taken 16 years ago"

I took the batteries out of my carbon monoxide alarm...

...the loud ringing noise from it was giving me a headache and making me dizzy.

Hung Chow Calls into work and says "Hey boss, I no come into work today, I really Sick...

I got Headache, stomachache, and my legs hurt. I no come to work."

The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and i go to work. You try that."

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."

I used to have a girlfriend who, whenever she had a bad headache, would go into the cupboard, find my oats I'd normally eat for breakfast and then throw them in the garbage.

Apparently she couldn't cope with my grains.

I had to turn off my carbon monoxide detector...

...The constant beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick.

Helpful Daughter

Little Susie, a six year old , complained:"Mother, I've got a stomach ache."

"That's because our stomach is empty", the mother replied. "You would feel better if you had something in it."


That afternoon her daddy came complaining that he had a severe headache all day.

Susie perked up: " That's because it's empty", she said. "You'd feel better if you had something in it."

I hate the reasons girls come up with to avoid sex

"I'm tired, I've had a long day, I have a headache, I'm your sister"....

I live with my wife in a two story house...

"I'm too tired" and "I have a headache" are the only two stories I hear...

A husband tells his wife, Honey, I got you some Aspirin!

The wife says, But I don't have a headache.

Great! Let's have sex!

I'm fed up with the excuses women come up with to avoid having sex...

I'm tired. I'm washing my hair. I've got a headache. I am your sister-in-law.

Not Tonight

Guy brings his wife a glass of water and two pills. She looks puzzled. "What's this?"

He says, "Oh, these are your aspirin, sweetheart."

She says, "I don't have a headache."

To which the husband replies, "AH HA!"

Girl, are you a 3D movie?

Because you're too expensive and giving me a headache.

Lee has a terrible headache

Lee calls in work and say "I no come work today. I really sick, got headache, stomach ache, and legs hurt. I no come to work today."

His boss says "I really need you today, Lee. You know, whenever I am not feeling OK like you, I go ask my wife for sex. I always feel better after."

A couple of hours later, Lee calls in. "I do what you say. I feel great now. I be at work soon. You have nice house"

My carbon monoxide detector keeps beeping

It's really giving me a headache

A Wife's Headache

A man walks into his bedroom, where is wife is reading. "Honey, I brought you some aspirin for your headache."


"I don't have a headache."

"Gotcha!"

Young couple codewords

The bashfull newlyweds decided to talk about "laundry" when one was interested in sex. A Year later, when the new was off, the Husband asked "do you want to help me do the laundry tonight?"
Wife: "No, I am too tired".
The next night: "I have a headache". Next
On the following night: "I just don't feel like it".
Finally wife says: "How about doing the Laundry tonight".
Hubby's reply: "No worries, Dear, it was just a small load and I did it by hand!"

My missus asked me where her Valentine's day card was.

I said, "Sorry, I had a headache."

A Pakistani living in England (offensive)

A Pakistani who had recently moved to England had been feeling extremely ill for a week and so decided to visit the doctor. The doctor asked what was wrong with him and the Pakistani complained of a terrible headache and sickness. Upon hearing this the doctor told him to get a bucket at home and fill it with fish, human faeces and milk and leave it out in the sun for a couple of days before putting it next to his bed as he slept at night and taking it everywhere with him. Astounded, the Pakistani left and did what he was told despite being surprised that he should do such a thing.

Three days later the Pakistani returned to the doctor "It's a miracle!" he exclaimed"I got better overnight! How could have it worked?" to which the doctor replied "It was simple, you were homesick."

A guy walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm

He says, "Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."

His wife, lying in bed replies, "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."

The man says, "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."

I think i am allergic to leather.

Every time i wake up with my shoes on, i have a huge headache.

A husband walks into the bedroom...

... and hands his wife 2 Advils. She says: "But honey, I don't have a headache!" ... To which he replies: "Aha, I got you! Let's have sex then!"

Saw others translating Russian and Romanian jokes and thought I'd share two Hungarian ones (but be warned, Hungarian humor is terrible)

GyΓΆrgy had a headache and asked his friend for advice, and his friend said he could cure the headache by hammering a nail into the place it hurt. So he lined up the nail and was getting ready to hit when he saw GyΓΆrgy cringing. "What are you scared of?" the friend asked, and GyΓΆrgy replied, "I'm scared that you'll miss!"

---------------

A man says to a woman, "I wish you would bring your smile over to my place."

The woman replies, "Aren't you a ladies' man!"

And the man replies, "No, I'm a dentist."

---------------

Still reading? You're crazy! Okay, here's a "bonus" one.

An electrician enters the room in the hospital where they keep the patients on life support and he calls out, "Take a deep breath, everyone! I need to change a fuse!"

Laundry

A shy young couple invent a name for making love "doing the laundry." One night the husband wakes up and asks his wife if she wants to "do the laundry."She complains that she's got a headache so the husband goes back to sleep. In the morning he asks if she'd like to "do the laundry," but his wife complains she's too tired, after having a restless night. That afternoon he asks if she's ready to "do the laundry," but she's too busy with her chores. The same evening his wife snuggles up to him and asks if he still wants to "do the laundry." "No, it's okay," he replies. "It was a small load, so i did it by hand!"

I had to take the batteries out of my carbon monoxide detector

The constant beeping gave me a headache and made me feel sick.

"My wife is like Whiskey."

"Oh yeah, she gets better with age?"

"No, she gives me a headache."

Adam is lonely...

So God creates Eve. God orders Adam to reproduce with Eve. "How?," Adam asks. "First, you must hug and caress Eve." Adam asks "God, what is hugging and caressing?" And God explains.

"I liked hugging and carressing, what's next?" Adam asks. "Next you must kiss Eve," God answers. "What is 'Kiss'?" Adam asks, and God explains.

"I liked kissing Eve, what's next?" God answers, "Next, you must lay with Eve and make love to her." Adam asks, "What is making love?" And so God explains.

Next day, Adam asks in a frustrated tone, "God... What is a *headache?*"

A deaf couple are on a road trip

My deaf professor told me this joke (in sign language) in college:

A deaf couple are on a road trip. The wife signs to the husband that she is tired, and they should look for a motel for the night. The husband pulls over into the next motel, and they reserve a room.

In the middle of the night, the husband wakes up with a splitting headache. He signs to his wife his wife if they have any ibuprofen. The wife groggily replies to check the glove compartment in the car.

The man, half asleep, gets out of bed, walks out to the car, and finds the pills in the glove compartment.

He gets out of the car to make his way back to the room, but immediately forgets which room is his. So he gets back into the car and SLAMS on the horn and holds it.

Little by little, every room in the motel turns on their light. All but one. That's his room!

Old sex life.

An elderly woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her Husband's sex drive.

'What about trying Viagra?' asks the doctor.

Not a chance' says Mrs. Murphy. "He won't even take an aspirin for a headache."

'No problem,' replies the doctor. 'Drop it into his coffee,he won't even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how you got on.'

A week later Mrs. Murphy returns to the doctor and he inquires as to how things went.

'Oh it was terrible, just terrible doctor.'

What happened?' asks the doctor.

'Well I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to
make wild passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible!

'What was terrible?' said the doctor, 'Was the sex not good?'

'Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years...
but I'll never be able to show my face in McDonald's again!'

So there's this married couple...

They've been married for many years, and like a lot of married folk, they have a few inside jokes that they've come up with while married. A special one of these was calling sex, "doing the laundry."
So, one night, the husband, Fred, says to his wife Joanne, "Hey, lets do some laundry," while giving her a sly look. She says oh, my back hurts, I have a headache, etc. And Fred just shrugs and continues. Joanne calls back to Fred a few minutes later, "You know what, I'm feeling better. Let's do some laundry." Fred replies, "It was a small load, I did it myself."

I'll be here all night

Quickly after robbing my bakery, a man got a severe headache

Serves him right. It's not his grain, it's migraine

tom and his boss

n the morning Tom calls to his boss:
- Good morning, boss, unfortunately I'm not coming to work today. I'm really sick. I got a headache, stomach ache, and my both hands and legs hurt, so I'm not coming into work."
The boss replies:
- You know Tom, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife, and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better, and I can go to work. You should try that.
2 hours later Tom calls:
- Boss, I followed your advise, and I feel great! I'll be at work soon. By the way, you got nice house.

Helping The Doctor

A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work to go fishing, so he approached his assistant.

"Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients".

"Yes, sir!" answers Murphy.

The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: "So,Murphy, how was your day?"

Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so I gave him Paracetamol."

"Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon," says Murphy.

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in!
Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!'"

"Tunderin' lard Jesus Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor.

"I put drops in her eyes."

A day in court....

A man appears before a judge one day, asking for divorce.

The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says, "Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce?"

"Because," the man says, "I live in a two-story house."

The judge replies, "What kind of a reason is that? What is the big deal about a two-story house?"

The man answers, "Well one story is I have a headache and the other story is It's that time of the month!"

What do trees take when they have a headache?

Aleve.

I just took the batteries out of my carbon monoxide alarm

The loud beeping was giving me a raging headache and was making me feel sick and dizzy

The similarities between alcohol and girls...

... Both have the quality of giving pleasure at night and headache in the morning.

An infallible way of curing a headache...

Put your head through a window and the pane will disappear.

Headache

Guy gets home from the bar and he wants some sexy time but he finds his wife asleep. So he proceeds to go to the bathroom and makes a lot of noise rummaging the medicine cabinet. The wife wakes up.

Wife: What's with the noise?
Husband: just open up your mouth.

She opens up jet mouth and he proceeds to shoot two pills into her mouth.

Wife: what was that?
Husband: two ibuprofen for your headache.
Wife: but I don't have a headache.
Husband: that's what I wanted to hear

headache

Husband: "Here's a pill for your headache."
Wife: "But I don't have a headache."
Husband: "Gotcha!"

Doctor: How's your headache?

Husband: She's out of town.

Husband: Hey honey I brought you some Tylenol for your headache.

Wife: I don't have a headache

Husband: Great because I also bought condoms

My brother was worried last night that he wouldn't be able to fall asleep because he had a headache.

I told him to make a stiff nightcap and drop a couple of pills in it. You know, just take Aleve of Absinthe.

My girlfriend said..

"We should spice things up and try reversal of roles in the bedroom"

So I have a headache.

Why Victoria Got Fired

Victoria calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I can't come to work today. I'm really sick. I have a headache, stomachache and my legs hurt. I can not come to work."

Pao says, "You know Victoria, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my husband and tell him to give me sex. Makes everything better and I can go to work. You try."

Two hours later Victoria calls again: "Boss, I did what you said and I feel great. I will be at work soon. You have a nice house."

A wealthy woman with a headache goes with her husband to a party.

After 20 minutes, she says, "Honey, I'm not feeling too well. You stay and have a nice time. I'll be at home waiting for you later.

She drives backs to her large home, walks upstairs, begins filling the tub, and walks into her bedroom. The butler is there.

She says to him, "Unbutton my shirt. Now, take it off. " He does. She says, "Take off my shoes and my skirt," so he does. She says, "Take off my bra." He complies. She says, "Now, I like you, and I won't say anything to my husband about this, but if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you'll be fired."

The Farmer

A Farmer, carrying a sheep under one arm, storms into his bedroom where his wife is in bed, quietly reading.

The farmer stares his wife directly in the eyes and yells "THIS IS THE PIG I HAVE SEX WITH WHEN YOU HAVE A HEADACHE!!"

The farmers wife looks him up and down and states " Thats a sheep, not a pig"

The farmer replies "I WASNT TALKING TO YOU!!"

My self esteem is so low....

The other night my hand told me that it had a headache.

This is the pig I sleep with when you've got a headache

A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says "this is the pig I sleep with when you've got a headache"

"That's a sheep you idiot," says his wife.

"I know, I was talking to the sheep! "

Alex The Gardener

A supervisor of a landscaping business got a call from one of his workers on Friday afternoon "Hey boss, it's me Alex, I'm not feeling so good today, I've got a big headache and just don't feel well." The boss replies; "You know, when I don't feel well, I like to go to my wife and ask for sex, then I feel much better. You should try it."

Three hours later, the boss gets a phone call from Alex; "You were right boss, I did what you said and I feel great, I'll be at work soon! By the way, you have a really nice house!"

My carbon monoxide alarm went off in the middle of the night

It gave me a really bad headache, so I had to turn it off.

Went to the doctors the other day..

Went to the doctors the other day.
Get into the surgery when his phone rings.

Doc said "I gotta go. Look after the surgery for me while I'm gone. Don't worry, there's only 3 more patients, it won't take long. I'll be back in 15 minutes."
And off he goes.

When he comes back, he asks "How did it go?"

"First person came in - headache. I said 'Take paracetamol.'"

"Well done." Said the Doc.

"Second person came in - Indigestion. I said 'Take gaviscon.'"

"Well done!"

"Third one came in. Couldn't believe it! Beautiful young girl. Took all her clothes off, jumped on the bed and shouted 'Help me! Help me! Help me! I haven't seen a man in years!'"

"Wow! What did you do?"

"I put drops in her eyes"

Ever heard about the bread theif that always has a headache?

He's got my grains.

Headache

Doc: Hows your headache?

Husband: She's fine.

When I have a headache, I take an Advil and follow the instructions on the bottle:



"KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"



(based on Kauffman, G. and Blakeley M. eds. 1980. Pulling Our Own Strings. Page 51)

I had a terrible headache in a Chinese restaurant last night and asked for them to turn off the lights

or just dim sum.

Doctor: How's your headache?

Man: She is fine.

Taking a sick day

An employee walks in to his boss's office and tells him he has an upset stomach and a really bad headache. He then asks his boss what he should do. His boss says, "When I get to feeling really sick like that, I go home, lay down, have sex with my wife, then sleep the day away. I always awake feeling much better the next day."
The employee shows up the next day bright eyed and bushy tailed, walks in to his boss's office and said "Gee boss, that worked really well! I feel loads better! Nice house by the way..."

I've just had to take the batteries out of the Carbon Monoxide alarm

The loud beeping was giving me a headache and I was starting to feel sick and dizzy

Husband walks into the bedroom with a sheep, his wife on the bed..

Husband: "this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache"
Wife:"I think you'll find that that's a sheep"
Husband: "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep"

Putin and Medvedeev talking

- We need to change these time zones, they are giving me a big headache, says Putin
-Why? asks Medvedeev
-I'm calling Beijing to give my congrats for their national holiday and they tell me it's tomorrow. I call Warsaw to express my condolences for the airplane crash in Smolensk and they tell me the plane didn't take off yet!

"Doctor, I've listened to your advice, about getting my family involved in trying to help me recover."

He said, "Well, I've told you what the cures are. There are three. Two of them your children should have been able to aid you with, the third is sex."


"Yes," I said, "of that I am aware."


"So..." he began. "What does your son give you?"


"Ibuprofen."


"What does your daughter give you?"


"Paracetamol."


"Then what does your wife give you?"


"A headache."

Daddy, is Santa coming tonight?

No sweetie, mommy has a headache.

Wanna do some laundry?

So a married couple, trying to keep their sex private from their kids, use the phrase "wanna do some laundry?" when they want to have sex.

One day the husband comes home and asks his wife, "hey, wanna do some laundry?" To which she replies, "no laundry is getting done today. I have a headache."

The husband comes home the next day and asks again, but his wife responds, "I already told you no laundry is getting done in this house."

Five days later the wife asks the husband, "hey wanna do some laundry?" And he replies, "no thanks. I had a small load so I did it by hand."

My girlfriend has been trying new things in the bedroom lately..

...I have a headache, I'm stressed, and I've eaten too much are among her many new techniques.

Terrible Headache

A patient to a doctor:
- Doc, I guess I am allergic to leather shoes. Whenever I wake up with my shoes on, I feel terrible headache.

Do you suffer from an addiction to water?

Can you not live without your water?

Do you try to quit, and come back to drinking water again?

Do you suffer from any of the following withdrawal symptoms when trying to quit?

* Headache?
* Fatigue?
* Dry throat?
* Dry mouth?
* Darker urine?
* Craving more water?
* Hunger?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, please call the water addiction hotline, 1-5-STOP-WATER.

What is it called when a blonde has a headache?

Phantom pain

What are the funniest headache jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Headache? Well, here are the best Headache puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Headache pick up lines to share with friends.

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