Take your foot off his head.
**
Apparently the super colour fragile lipstick makes the dicks atrocious.
"Don't call me son," I said. "You're not my dad."
He scratched his head. "No, but I brought you up, didn't I?"
Looking at her lifeless there, I decided to have one last go. Right in the middle she opened her eyes and shouted BOO! Honestly, some people are fucking sick in the head.
beat the shit out of hippies.
And says to the Maitre'd "Table for 26 please"
Confused, the Maitre'd does a quick head count, and says "But there are only 13 of you."
Jesus replies "Yes, but we are all going to sit on the same side"
He goes home and tears his pants off, eager to show his girlfriend.
She looks at him and shakes her head saying "there you go again trying to put words in my mouth".
He orders nine shots.
The bartender apprehensive asks, "whats the occasion?"
The man mumbles, "first blowjob."
The bartender brightens up and pours nine shots and lays them out.
The man downs all nine in a row.
The bartender still smiling says,
"hey, make it an even ten. On the house."
The man shakes his head,
"No thanks. If the first nine didn't wash out the taste, I doubt one more would help."
the brewmaster of Budweiser orders first and proudly asks for the most popular brew in America, a Bud Light.
the brewmaster of Miller smiles and asks for a true original, a Miller Lite.
the brewmaster of Guinness winces and orders a Diet Coke.
"a Diet Coke?!," exclaim the others.. "don't you drink Guinness?"
"well shit no one else was having beer I didn't want to be the only one," he complained.
Beats by Dr.
- Hello, I'd like to reserve a table for the pharaoh Sakhrakhotep I.
- Could you spell it out, please?
- Of course. Bird, two triangles, wavy line, the sun, bird again, jackal's head and a scarab.
And asks 'where's ya bin mate'
The guy answers 'I bin watching TV!'
The Ozzie asks 'na mate where's ya wheelie bin'
The guy hangs his head and says 'I wheelie been wanking'
The head of the group walks in and says, "I'm seeing a lot of new faces this week, and I have to say I'm pretty disappointed."
The other day, I had an astoundingly painful headache and I couldn't help but complain about it to my girlfriend. She surprised me by saying, "Ya know, blowjobs can be a natural cure for a headache..."
So, I thought it was worth a shot. But that day I learned my girlfriend is damned a liar.
I sucked three dicks and my head still fucking hurt.
A man with a very small head walks into a bar, and the bartender asks, "Why is your head so small?"
He replies, "I was stuck on this island and there was nothing but beautiful women there who had never seen a man before. So I had sex with all of them. Their leader, who was the most beautiful of all, had the power to grant anybody one wish, so I asked her to have sex with me. She said she would grant me anything but that, so I said, "Would a little head be out of the question?"
I'm a corrections officer, getting ready to head out at shift change:
Inmate: "drive home safe"
Me: "yeah you too..."
Me: (thinking "oops, ouch")
Coworker: "Muahahaha"
Inmate: (hops into his imaginary car and shuffles to his cell making farting engine noises, screeches the brakes, steps out of his car and into his cell. Pokes his head out) "Made it home safe dad"
Me and my coworker burst out laughing
From my head, tomatoes.
Hope no one has heard this before, thought of it while driving.
Honey, I got hit by a car outside of the office. Tina brought me to the hospital. They have been taking tests and doing x-rays. The blow to my head is very strong, may be serious. Also, I have 3 broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound fracture on my left leg and they may have to amputate the right foot.
Wife's Response:
Who is Tina?
I never found it.
(removed)
Father, why do we wear these shawls on our head?
To keep the harsh sun off our scalp He answers.
What about these long robes father?
To protect us from the blistering wind that carries stinging sand. Father says patiently.
And our sandals?
To shield our feet from the searing rocks of course.
Then why the fuck do we live in England, father?
Head Masters
And a short man with dandruff gets on and then comes off on the next floor.
The brunette goes, "Wow, that guy could really use some Head and Shoulders."
The blonde says, "How do you give shoulders?"
No offense anyone...hehe
and they hand me the bill. I notice that by the paint it says $0. I say, "you guys did such a good job, why aren't you charging me for the paint?" The head painter looks at me and says, "don't worry about the paint, it's on the house."
They then head behind the counter and start serving drinks.
If they're under 16, do them in your head.
I pictured her in my head and broke my neck.
Two men were playing golf one afternoon when just as they are about to play an important putt on the final hole for the match a large funeral procession passes by on the road at the side of the golf course. One of the men stops in mid putt, removes his cap, bows his head in prayer. The second man retorts "Woah man, that was really respectful". "Well, we had been married for over 25 years" said the other man.
Rihanna trips and gets her head stuck between the railings.
Without a sideways glance, Usher pulls aside her G-String and fucks her senseless.
He stands back and tells Justin, "Your turn!"
Justin burst out into tears.
"Whats wrong?", asks Usher.
Justin sobs, "My head won't fit in the railings."
You go on a head, I'll give these two a lift
Thursday night I gradually woke up stiff as a plank in hospital's ICU, tubes up my nose & down my throat, wires monitoring every function & all around my head, hell of a pain over my left ear, and a gorgeous nurse hovering over me.
It was obvious I'd been in a serious accident.
She looked deep & steady and I heard her slowly say,
'You may not feel anything from the waist down.'
I managed to mumble in reply,
'Can I feel your tits, then?'
This guy brings his best mate home, unannounced, for dinner at 6:30pm, after work.
His wife screams her head off while his friend sits open mouthed and listens to the tirade.
"My bloody hair and makeup are not done, the house is a fucking mess, the dishes aren't done. Can't you see I'm still in my fucking pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight?! Why the fuck did you bring him home unannounced you stupid idiot?"
"Because he's thinking of getting married."
So, the heads of Coors, Budweiser and Guinness are all sitting in a restaurant. When the waitress comes over she takes their drinks order first
- 'Ill have a silver bullet' says the Coors guy
- 'Ill have the king of beers' says the Budweiser guy
- 'Lemonade please' says the head of Guinness
The other two look at him ... 'Lemonade?'
'Well if you're not drinking beer neither am I'
is an owl?
ME: Who?
*everyone stares at me, even Gary whose head is turned 180°*
One day, they wake up to the smell of pancakes cooking. The first mole sticks his head out of the hole and says "I smell pancakes!" The second mole sticks his head out of the hole and says "I smell syrup!" The last mole tries to stick his head out of the hole, but gets stuck behind the other two, so he said "All I smell is molasses."
Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Head? Well, here are the best Head dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Head pick up lines to share with friends.