hay Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious hay puns

What's the difference between a female farmer and Hitler's girlfriend?

One bails her hay and the other heils her bae

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Why did the scarecrow win an award?

Because he was outstanding in his field!

The job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in his jeans.

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A horse walks into a barn

A horse walks into a barn

The Barntender says, "Hay, the usual?"

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Translated Chinese joke

Good news: Today is the little Johnny's first time flying!

Bad news: The engine caught fire as soon as he took off

Good news: He took a parachute with him so he could bail out

Bad news: The parachute failed midair

Good news: He saw a huge stack of hay right beneath him

Bad news: The top of the haystack is smeared with sh!t

Good news: He didn't land on the sh!t

Bad news: He didn't land on the haystack either

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How do you find a needle in a hay stack?

Lock a junkie in the barn

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A little blue bird was flying south for the Winter

A little blue bird was flying south for the Winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large hay field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and took a dump on him. As the frozen blue bird lay there in the heap of steaming pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:

(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

(3) And when you are in deep shit, it is best to keep your mouth shut!

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An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink.

As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life, breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

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It might seem unusual to feed a horse using one's anus.

Butt hay, who am I to judge?

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An old joke told in the Soviet Union...

Every other Friday a factory guard saw a worker coming out of the factory pushing a wheelbarrow packed with hay.

The guard searched inside the hay, found nothing and let the guy go. This ritual repeated over several years until a time when the guard was about to retire.

When the guy pushing the wheelbarrow appeared at the gate he told him: I know you are stealing something. I am just about to retire and this is my last day here. I will not tell anybody, but, please, let me know what are you stealing. The guy smiled and answered, Oh, I am stealing the wheelbarrows.

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What do you call religious hay?

Christian Bale.

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As a famous scarecrow once said...

"This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

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As a scarecrow, people say I'm outstanding in my field.

But hay, it's in my jeans.

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A blonde and a brunette bought a farm...

...and although the farm came stocked with a barn full of hay, some chickens, and a few horses, they only had one cow and needed a bull to raise more. They checked the newspaper listings and found a bull for sale a few hundred miles away.

The brunette bought a train ticket and took their remaining $50 to buy the bull. When she arrived, the seller refused any offers below $45, leaving the brunette without enough cash to get her and the bull home. She decided she would send a telegram to her friend to pick them up.

At the post office, the postman tells her a telegram will cost her $5 per word. Since she only has $5 left, she can only send one word to her friend. Thinking long and hard about what to send, she finally decides on "comfortable". The postman looks puzzled and asks, "Why comfortable?"

The brunette says, "My friend is blonde and reads really slowly. To her, it will say 'Come-for-ta-bull.'"

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A cowboy is walking naked down main street...

and the sheriff came driving by and saw him. BWOOP BWOOP! He pulls over and talks to him.
"Son, why are you naked in the middle of town?"
The cowboy chuckles and says "Well, it's a long story."
"There is a naked cowboy on main street in my town. I got time for a long story, let's hear it."
"Alright, so I was throwin' hay in my barn when a pretty little blonde lady comes in and says 'It's mighty hot in here, why don't you take your shirt off?' I did and she did the same, and I didn't mind. Then she says 'why don't ya set down and take your boots off?' I do and she set down beside me. Then she says 'why don't ya take them pants off?' I do and she does the same. Then she looks at me and says 'now go to town.' So here I am!"

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What do you call hay for Catholic horses?

Christian Bale

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The new supermarket

A new supermarket just opened up nearby.

It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.
Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and
smell fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and there is
the scent of freshly mowed hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled
steaks with onions.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens clucking and
cackling, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon
and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked
bread and cookies.

I don't buy toilet paper there anymore, though.

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A new Supermarket opened near me.....

A new supermarket opened near my house.

It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.

And, just before the mister turns on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and experience the scent of fresh hay.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying on the stove.

The veggie department features the smell of freshly buttered corn.

I don't buy toilet paper there anymore

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Hillbilly Stripper

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old John Deere tractor.

He performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt.

Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.
Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the world're ya doing, Billy Bob?"

"Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob.
"But me 'n the wife been havin' trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."

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A queen asked a beardless knight...

A queen asked a beardless knight, "tell me true: have you fathered any children?" "In truth, my Queen, I have not." "I believe it," she replied, "for it's known to all that one can look at the hay to see if the pitchfork's any good."

"Tell me true," asked the knight, "have you any hair between your legs?" "In truth, young knight, I have not." "I believe it," he replied, "for it's known to all that when too many walk a road, the grass stops growing."

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The farmer asked the scarecrow why he keeps his job in the field...

The farmer asked the scarecrow why he keeps his job in the field. The scarecrow turned to the farmer and said, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay... it's in my jeans."

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Little Johnny at the Farm

Little Johnny lives on a farm with his family. One evening the family notices that one of the donkeys had manage to get out of the stables.

Johnny's dad tries to lead the donkey back into the stables but the stubborn animal will not budge. Johnny's mom tries to coax the donkey with carrots and hay, but the donkey just ignores the food.

Seeing his parents becoming increasingly agitated at the stubborn animal, Johnny offers to try and get the donkey back into the stables. He quickly fetches a pail of water from the trough and proceeds to dump it over the donkey's head. Both of his parents stare in awe as the donkey calmly saunters back into the stables and gently closes the door behind itself.

Still in disbelief at what he just saw, Johnny's father asks Johnny, Son, how did you know to do that?

Johnny replies, I was walking past y'alls bedroom last night when I overheard ma telling you, 'If you wet the head first, it'll go right in.'

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a farmer interviewed about his two white and black cows

reporter: what do you feed the cows?

farmer: the white or the black one ?

- the white one.

- hay.

-and the black one?

-also hay.

- where do they sleep?

-the white or the black one?

- .....the white one!

- in the barn

-and the black one ???

- also in the barn.

-!!!?? WHY DO YOU HAVE TO ASK WITCH ONE IM REFERRING TO IF THE ANSWER IS THE SAME FOR BOTH OF THEM??

-oh please forgive me but the WHITE one is mine.

-and the black one??

-also mine.

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A new supermarket opened near my house.

A new supermarket opened near my house. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and experience the scent of fresh hay.

When you approach the eggs case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.

I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.

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So my mom got me a box of tin soldiers...

I smashed up my majors and tore down my generals. The dog ate my lieutenants and I lost the colonel. The sergeants were lost in uncle John's hay so now I'm stuck playing with my privates all day.

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A buddy and I are in the same programming class

My friend starts writing down a note

I look at it

He says "Hay! That note is private"

I respond "But we are in the same class"

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Being a scarecrow isn't easy...

but hay, it's in my jeans

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What does a slutty Mexican horse eat?

Whore hay

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A woman is visiting a farm...

A woman is visiting a farm and sees an attractive but naive farmhand. She goes to talk to him and convinces him to meet her in the barn later. Once she has him alone in the barn she says, "Take off your clothes."
"Well all right" he says and does so.
"Now take off all my clothes". He complies.
She lies back on a hay bale and says, "Now put it inside me." He does. "Now pull it almost all the way out". So he does. "Now push it back in." To which the farmhand says, "Lady, you gotta make up your mind, I've got chores to do!"

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Farming isn't for everyone..

But hay, it's in my jeans.

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Did you hear they banned round hay bales in Kentucky?

Cows couldn't get a square meal.

(h/t my grandma who tells this joke like it is her job)

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Automatic Water Mister

The new neighborhood supermarket has an automatic water mister to Keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh hay.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.

I don't buy toilet paper there anymore!

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What do you call a bundle of hay in a church?

Christian Bale.

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Scarecrows love farming

When I asked him why he loved farming so much he just said, "Hay, it's in my jeans."

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Did you hear that the Department of Agriculture is outlawing round bales of hay?

They claimed the cows weren't getting a square meal.

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What do you call Australian hay?

Hi. (Say it out loud)

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What are the most funny Hay jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Hay? Well, here are the best Hay dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Hay pick up lines to share with friends.

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