hawaii Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious hawaii puns

Everyone in Hawaii is mad about the malfunction of the early warning system. Those fools.

Hawaii **IS** the early warning system.

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How did the Hawaiian hipster die?

He walked on lava before it was cool.

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Yet another genie in the lamp joke

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'

'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.' Poof! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas, and the love of my life.' Poof! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

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One of my grandpa's better jokes

An old man is walking along the beach one day when suddenly God appears and says to the man, "You know, you've been a good man and faithful to me all your life. I'm going to grant you one wish. What would you like?"

The man thought about it and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive there any time I want."

God said, "I can't do that, there would be too many problems. Where would I even get all the steel from? Think of something else."

So the man says, "Lord, I've been married and divorced 4 times. All 4 of my wives made me feel like I was doing everything wrong when I thought I was right. Help me understand women."

God replies, "You want two lanes or four?"

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A man walking along a California beach was in deep prayer

when all of a sudden he said aloud, "Lord grant me one wish." The sky clouded and a booming voice said, "Because you have tried to be faithful I will grant you one wish." The man said, "Build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over any time I want to." The Lord answered, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking ;the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific;the concrete and steel it would take. I can do it,but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time to think of another wish,one that will honor and glorify me". After thinking long and hard,he finally said,"Lord I wish that I could understand women. I want to know what they feel inside, what they're thinking, why they cry,what they mean when they say' nothing',and how I can make a woman truly happy." After a few minutes the Lord said, "How many lanes you want on that bridge? "

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A man is walking on a beach...

And he trips over something. He looks down, and it is an old bottle. He picks it up, and out pops a genie. "I will give you one wish, and only one. What will it be?"

The man thinks, and thinks. He lives in California, but really loves to visit Hawaii, but he despises flying. So he asks the genie, "I want a bridge from California to Hawaii, over the Pacific ocean."

The genie looks at him for a bit. He says "No, no, no. Sorry, but a bridge over the Pacific? That is too much! Please think of something else". The man is pretty angry. He really wanted that bridge, and that was really the only thing on his mind. So he thinks, and thinks, and thinks for days. He had to get the right thing. He sleeps on it, and the next day comes returns to the beach.

The genie is still there, so the man asks him, "I want to understand women."
The genie's eyes widen, and he asks him "How many lanes do you want on that bridge?"

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Why can't Admiral Ackbar fly to Hawaii?

"Aloha Ackbar" doesn't go over well at the airport

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At my friend's house, her dad told us these jokes called "Mama mama jokes." I expected old fashioned "Yo' mama" jokes. I got these.

Mama, Mama, I don't like little brother!

Shut up and eat what you're told.

Mama, Mama, I don't want to go to Hawaii!

Shut up and keep swimming.

Mama, Mama, I don't like going in circles!

Shut up or I'll nail your other foot to the floor!

Honestly, I'm scarred.

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A cyclops and his wife looking for their prefect holiday destination

Cyclobs: How do you spell Hawaii?

Wife: Well... You need two i's...

Cyclobs (putting the pen down): My life is just a joke to you isn't it, Linda?

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For our 25th anniversary, I took my wife to Hawaii...

...and for our 26th I plan to go back and get her.

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A man stumbles across an old lamp.....

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.
The genie said, "OK, You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three... You only get one wish!"

The man sat, and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"

The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible!!! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete, how much steel!! No, think of another wish."

The man said "OK, I will try to think of a really good wish". Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women, know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment, know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say "nothing," know how to make them truly happy."

The genie said, "Do you want that bridge to be two lanes or four?"

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One wish

A man is walking down the street when he stumbles upon an old lamp. Giving it a rub a genie appears and says to him, "I will grant you one wish, what will it be?"

The man thinks then says "Well, I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I get sea sick and I'm too afraid to fly over all that water. I wish there was a bridge there so I could just drive over!"

The genie replies "No way! Think of how much material that'd be! How about something else?"

The man thinks again and comes up with another idea. "You know, I've always wanted to know how women think. What they feel and their emotions and dislikes. I wish I could understand women!" He grins and looks at the genie expectantly.

"Two or four lanes?"

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What do you want to be when you grow up?

A teacher asks her class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day".

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson. "And you, Susie? " the teacher asks.

Susie says "I wanna be Johnny's bitch."

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Today, in Hawaii, a missile wasn't fired

But someone sure will be...

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Bridge to Hawaii

Greg is in his car driving on the highway by the ocean in California when he stops and asks God for just 1 wish for being a super faithful and good human being. God instantly appears and tells Greg that he has earned right for one wish.


Greg: I wish for a bridge from here to Hawaii so that I can drive there and have a great time.

God: Ehhhh…. your wish is too materistic! I would have to get the concrete, carefully think about the design, along with pipes and suspensions for balance and aesthetics. It would be quite a bit to handle on my part! Wish something else and I will grant it.

Greg: Alright…Hmmm OK I wish to be able to read women's minds. I want to know exactly what they're thinking at all times, what they mean when they say nothing . Basically, I want to understand women inside out.

God: So you want 2 lanes or 4 lanes on that bridge?

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A man finds a magic lamp...

He rubs it and a genie comes out and say "hello! You have found my lamp and I shall grant you one wish. Perhaps the one thing you want most in life." The man thinks and responds "well, I've really wanted to go to Hawaii so I want you to build a bridge from San Diego to Hawaii." The genie responds "that's impossible! Think about the logistics! How would the supports reach the bottom on the ocean? Who would maintain it? No, ask for something else." So the man thinks again and says "well, I've been divorced 4 times and my current marriage isn't going well so I just want to be able to understand what is going on in my wife's mind, just to be able to understand her more." The genie responds "do you want a two lane highway or four."

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A doctor, a lawyer, and a biker in the pub,

The doctor goes, I got my wife 2 anniversary presents instead of one. I thought if she didn't like the Mercedes, she would definitely love the trip to Hawaii.

Lawyer : oh yeah?, i got my wife 2 presents too: a pearl necklace, and in case she didn't like *that*, the diamond earrings will make her very happy, for sure.

The biker looks at both, with wounder on his face. You know what the two presents i got my wife were?, a T-Shirt and a vibrator. I thought if she *didn't* like the T-Shirt, she could go *fuck* her self.

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Little Johnny...again.

A teacher asks her class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day". The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson. "And you, Susie? " the teacher asks. Susie says "I wanna be Johnny's bitch."

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Understanding Women

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.

The genie said "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp... blah, blah, blah... This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!"

The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"

The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible! Think of the logistics of that. How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific?

Think of how much concrete... how much steel!! No. Think of another wish."

The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women...know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment... to know why they're crying, to know what they really want when they say 'nothing' ... to know how to make them truly happy."

The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?

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So a man finds a dirty lamp on the ground...

and he starts to clean it, because he thinks it may be valuable! After a while of rubbing it a genie comes out, and says "Hey! I'm a genie and normally i'd grant you 3 wishes but today i'm really tired, so I can only grant you one."

So after a while of thinking, the man says "Alright, I've always loved Hawaii. I want a bridge that goes from my backyard to there."

The genie snorts. "That's probably the dumbest wish I've ever heard! Make a different one."

So after another long while of thinking, the man says "I want to be able to know what any woman is thinking."

The genie then replies "So do you want this bridge to be invisible from other people or....

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How do Hawaiians subtly enjoy a bad joke?

with a low "ha"

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You may think i'm odd for eating ham and pineapple sandwiches..

But hey..
That's just Hawaii roll.

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Man finds a Genie in a bottle

Man walking along the beach finds a bottle, opens it, out pops a Genie
"Ok, great you found me and all but im busy and you get One Wish. Take it or leave it"

"Well, jeez, I always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I hate flying, and I get sea Sick. How bout a highway from San Francisco to Hawaii"

"Are you nuts? Do you know how long a bridge that would be? How deep the pylons would go? Why the Engineering alone would be a Monumental undertaking....Pick something else, pick something else"

"Ok, I want to understand Women"

"So you want this to be a Two or Four lane highway?"

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"We're going to be together for the rest of our lives!" smiled my wife as we flew on our dream vacation to Hawaii...

"You seem pretty sure of yourself." I replied.

"I am!" she said, gazing out the window. "The left wing's fallen off and the engine's on fire."

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A PhD student, a post-doc, and their professor are walking through a city park.

They find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.

The Genie says, I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one.

Me first! Me first! says the PhD student.

I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat with a gorgeous woman.

Poof! He's gone.

Me next! Me next! says the post-doc. I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with a professional hula dancer on one side and a Mai Tai on the other.

Poof! He's gone.

You're next, the Genie says to the professor.

The professor says, I want those guys back in the lab after lunch.

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Your best clean joke?

Mine: 3 men are wandering lost in the desert, and stumble upon a lamp. They rub it, and a Genie comes out. He tells them "I will give you each one wish."

The first man says "I really miss my family. I'd love to be back with them." *POOF* He's back with his family.

The second man says "I don't have a family, but I'd love to be on the beach in Hawaii, surrounded by beautiful women." *POOF* He's in Hawaii.

The third thinks for a little while and says "I'm lonely here. I wish my two friends were back here with me."

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The man that desired to understand women

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish."

The sunny California sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, and the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The man thought for a while, and said, "I want a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges and environmental consequences that kind of undertaking would create. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel would take over thousands of miles! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honour and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say "nothing!", and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four?"

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Yet another damn genie joke

A man is walking on the beach in California when he trips over a lamp in the sand. A genie emerges and says, "You've freed me after being in that lamp for a thousand years! In gratitude, I will give you one wish."

The man thinks for a bit and says, "You know, I'd like to visit Hawaii, but I'm deathly afraid of boats and airplanes. Can you build me a bridge to Hawaii?"

"Come on, buddy, I've been in a lamp for a thousand years; I want to get out and see the world. It would take forever to build that -- can't you ask for something easier?"

The man thinks again and says, "OK, now that you mention it, I've always wanted to understand women."

"So how many lanes did you want on that bridge?"

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My friend and I were in Hawaii, we both got messages saying ballistic missiles were closing in on us, and thought we had minutes to live.

I asked "What are you going to do?" He said "I'm fucking the first thing that moves. What are you going to do?" I said "Try to stay perfectly still".

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A Jewish congregation...

in New York honors its Rabbi for 25 years of service by sending him to Hawaii for a week, all expenses paid.

When he walks into his hotel room, there's a beautiful girl, nude, lying on the bed. She says, "Hi, Rabbi, I'm a little something extra that the president of the board arranged for you."

The Rabbi is incensed. He picks up the phone, calls the President of the Temple Board and says, "Greenberg, what were you thinking? Where's your respect? I am the moral leader of our community! I am very angry with you and you have not heard the end of this."

The girl gets up and starts to get dressed.

The Rabbi turns to her and says, "Where are you going? I'm not angry with you."

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The secret to women

A man is walking down a beach in California, when he stumbles across a magic lamp

A genie appears from the lamp and says, "Thank you sir for freeing me, in return i will grant you one wish."

The man replies "I have always wanted to walk the beaches of Hawaii, but I do not ride planes and the trip by boat is to long. I wish for a highway from California to Hawaii."

The genie looks at the man and replies, "A bridge that size takes to much magic, I am not powerful enough to create a bridge of that magnitude, however I will give you another wish.

The man replies "Fine, I wish to learn the secret to women."

Without skipping a beat the genie says, "Two lanes or four?"

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A cyclops was doing a crossword puzzle and asked his wife, "Hun, how do you spell Hawaii?"

Biting her lip, she replied, "I think you need 2 'i's."

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Did you hear about Steve Harvey's new job?

Hawaii Emergency Management Agency.

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How do Hawaiian Muslims greet each other?

"Aloha Akbar!"

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Sheikh was talking to his travel agent....

Sheikh: I am about ready for a vacation. Only this year, I am going to do it a little differently....

The last few years, I have been taking your advice on where to go....

Three years ago you said go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and spent some days and my wife Razia got pregnant.....

Then two years ago, you told me to enjoy Bahamas, and Razia got
pregnant again....

Last year you suggested Tahiti and Razia once again got pregnant.....

Travel agent: So, what are you going to do this year that is different?....

Sheikh replied: This year I'm taking Razia with me :-)

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What do you want to be when you grow up? Featuring Lil Johnny

A teacher asks her class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day". The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson. "And you, Susie? " the teacher asks. Susie says "I wanna be Johnny's bitch."

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What's the most popular game in Hawaii right now?

The floor is lava!

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"Dad, what made you fall ill in Hawaii?"

"Poi, son."

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A man comes across a genie who grants him one wish.

The man says, I would really like a bridge from San Francisco to Hawaii.

The genie says, That would be really difficult, with all the construction, engineering, not to mention the money such a bridge would require. I'm sorry, but is there anything simpler you would want?

The man thinks it over and says, You know, I've never been good at understanding women. I can never understand what my wife is saying. It's almost like she's speaking in code. Is it possible that you could make me better at understanding women?

The genie says, You want that bridge to be four lanes or six lanes?

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I went to college in Hawaii and

While I was jogging on the beach one day, I saw a man in the distance drowning !
He was waving his arms screaming:
Helllppppp.... *Shark* ... please... hellllpppppp

And then I started laughing, haha, cause I knew that that shark wasn't going to help him

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My wife said she wanted to be surprised for her birthday

So I took her sister to Hawaii for a week

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The Billionaire Kid

A teacher asks her class, What do you want to be when you grow up?

Little Stevie, always the first with his hand up and always the naughtiest says I wanna be a billionaire Miss

I'll be going to the most expensive clubs, take my best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day! .

The teacher is shocked and is not quite sure how to deal with his bad behavior on this occasion.

She decides to ignore Stevie and continue the lesson.

So Jenny. What do you want to be when you grow up? the teacher asks.

Jenny says I just wanna be Stevie's bitch!

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A man and a women are in Hawaii on their honeymoon

They start arguing over the pronunciation of "Hawaii".

The man says it is pronounced "Hawaii" while the woman firmly believes it is pronounced "Havaii".

The woman is sick of this silly argument interfering with their vacation so she asks a local how it is pronounced and he says "Havaii".

The woman was elated to hear that she was correct and thanks the local for his help.

He responds, "You're Velcome".

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A special 25th anniversary.

A husband and wife are eating dinner together, and the husband says "Honey, I came up with something for us to do on our 25th anniversary coming up next month." Surprised, his wife asks "Really?! I can't believe you remembered it, let alone have a plan for us!" The husband smiles at her and says "I'm taking you to Hawaii!" The wife was completely dumbfounded, they had never gone away on a vacation like that. She started to tear up and responded "Oh, that sounds absolutely amazing!". "And can you guess what I have planned for our 50th anniversary?" He asks her. She shook her head 'no', as she was still too shaken up to speak. He just smiles and says "I'm going to come pick you up."

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How do you treat a sunburn in Hawaii?

With Aloe-ha Vera!

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The air hostess comes to know that the old married couple is...

flying to Hawaii on their 50th marriage anniversary.

She asks them how it feels to be married for so long.

The old man replies: "It all felt like 5 minutes..."

The air hostess was about to reply on the profoundness of what he said, when he earned a slap from the old lady for his next word:

"...underwater".

--Taken from All in a day's work; Reader's digest

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I like my women like Hawaii...

Warm, wet, and Asian.

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First prize in the synagogue lottery

Rabbi announces 3rd prize in the synagogue lottery goes to Mr. Schwartz - an all-expense paid trip to Hawaii. Applause all around for Mr. Schwartz.

Rabbi announces 2nd prize goes to Mr. Litvak - a chocolate cake.

Well, Litvak goes nuts - says WTF - for 3rd prize Schwartz goes to Hawaii and for 2nd I get a cake?

Rabbis says - You don't understand - this cake was baked with loving care by the rebbitzen [wife of the rabbi]

Litvak says: "Fuck the rebbitzen"

Rabbi says - No, that's first prize.

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Kim Jong Un: I have a big button on my desk Donald Trump: I have a big button on my desk

Hawaii Emergency Alert Guy: Hold my beer

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Dream Big

A teacher asks her class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day".

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson.
"And you, Susie? " the teacher asks.

Susie says "I wanna be Johnny's bitch."

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How did the Mexican greet people in Hawaii?

Ahola.

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What doctors really thinking?

- This should be taken care of right away.

I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.


- Welllllll, what have we here…?

He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.


- Let me check your medical history.

I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending anymore time with you.


- We have some good news and some bad news.

The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it.


- Let me schedule you for some tests.

I have a forty percent interest in the lab.


- I'd like to have my associate look at you.

He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.


- I'd like to prescribe a new drug.

I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.


- This may hurt a little.

Last week two patients bit off their tongues.


- This should fix you up.

The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.


- I'd like to run some more tests.

I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.


- There is a lot of that going around.

My God, that's the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this.

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If Trump wins the election, I am moving out of the country...

Goodbye America, hello Hawaii!

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People from Hawaii are so lucky!

They get to play the floor is lava for real!

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a wife and husband are taking a trip to...

a husband and wife wanted to take a trip somewhere. after much argument, they decided to go to Hawaii. on the flight there, they were arguing about the pronunciation of the word Hawaii. the wife insisted, "it's pronounced havaii." the husband argued, " NO! its hawaii!" they both agreed to ask the first person they see after they get off the plane.

when they get off, they ask a man the name of the island. the man replies "havaii." "I TOLD YOU!" the wife gloats. "thank you, sir!" she smirks. the man tips his hat and replies "you're velcome."

EDIT-got help from my brother. i suck at writing.

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Hawaiian terrorists be like...

Aloha Akbar

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I took my wife to Hawaii for our 25th wedding anniversary. You know what I did for our 50th?

Went back and got her.

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What do you call a muslim opening a bar in Hawaii?

Aloha Snackbar.

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A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer.

All of a sudden he said out loud, "Lord grant me one wish."

At once the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish"

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, my wife says that I am uncaring and insensitive. I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say "nothing", and how I can make a woman truly happy."

After a few minutes God said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

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Little Johnny jokes

A teacher asks her class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day". The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson. "And you, Susie? " the teacher asks. Susie says "I wanna be Johnny's bitch."

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Hawaiian Punch has a new telephone number.

It's the Punch line.

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Why did the Hawaiian Hipster burn to death?

He walked on lava before it was cool.

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Kids in Hawaii are tough. Some say they are the toughest kids in the USA.

Their play time is deadly serious. They are the world champions in 'The floor is lava'.

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A catholic all boys school went on a trip...

A catholic all boys school was going on a trip to Hawaii. They are on the plane when the pilot says on the radio Father, can you come up to the cockpit really quick . So the priest gets up and makes his way over to the pilot. When he gets to him the pilot says Father, we have a big problem, there is a gas leak and i'm afraid we are not going to make it to the island. I have 2 parachutes though, I am taking one and you can take the other . The priest says What about the children?! . The pilot says fuck em! To which the priest replies, Do we have time for that?

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I found out what is going on with Hawaii

Someone stole the heart of Tafiti

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A man approached the check in counter

A man approached the check in counter, he had a flight booked to Miami. He leaned over to the lady and said "Miss I have a special request, I would like my green bag to go to London, and my red bag to go to Hawaii"

Confused, the check in lady said "I'm sorry sir we can't do that"

The man responded "Thats great news, because thats what happened last time"

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A guy is flying to Hawaii...

He's unsure of the pronunciation, not sure if its "Hawaii" or "Havaii", so when he gets off of the plane, he looks for a local.

He finds a guy that appears to be a local and asks him, "is it pronounced 'Hawaii' or 'Havaii'?"

The local responds "Havaii!"

The traveler then says thank you, that he was really confused and the local really cleared things up and the local replies "you're velcome!"

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What do Jamaican Charizards eat in Hawaii?

Poke, mon.

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THE BIG QUESTION

There once lived a very kind man who was constantly helping those in need. God noticed this ask spoke to him, "You are very generous and I shall grant you one wish." The man, overwhelmed, thought about it for a bit. Finally the man said, "I wish for a bridge connecting California to Hawaii so I can drive my motorcycle to the Islands." God said, "Think about it my son. That is a very materialistic wish and would require much material from Earth." The man thought it over a bit and replied, "God, would you teach me how to understand women?" God answered, "You want that bridge 2-lane or 4-lane?"

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They say Hawaii is the best place to go to feel like a kid again

Right now you can play "The floor is actually lava"

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Do you know the game where the floor is lava?

It's a great hit in Hawaii

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Which state is the friendliest?

Hawaii, because even when it's short it still says "HI"

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It's a great time to invest in retail clothing stock.

Pants and underwear sales in Hawaii are booming.

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A man finds a bottle with a genie inside.

*poof* I will grant you one wish, what is thy bidding master?

I want a freeway to Hawaii from Santa Barbara with a tollbooth that only I can enter!

The genie scoffs. Foolish mortal, that is not possible, even for a genie like myself. The logistics of designing and building such a thing over thousands of miles of open ocean is ludicrous, please wish for something else.

The man thinks for a moment. Hmmm, then I wish that I could actually understand women.

Do you want two lanes or four?

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Did you know Obama was from Hawaii

Kenya believe it?

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A guy finds a lamp walking through the desert...

When he rubs the lamp a genie comes out and tells the man he has one wish and whatever he wants it will be done! The guy says to the genie that he is afraid of height and wants a bridge built from California to Hawaii. The genie replies that it would take all of his powers to build that bridge, and is willing to make any other wish come true instead. The man says, I wish to know how to understand women! The genie says, so do you want 2 or 4 lanes on that bridge to Hawaii?

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What do you call it when two transgender people go on a couples cruise around Hawaii?

A trans pacific partner ship.

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"Aloha, a bar,"

said a struggling alcoholic ex-Muslim in Hawaii.

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Hawaii got nervous but...

It missed isle

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Understand women

There once was a man named John. He did a lot of praying and one day God saw this and came down to John. God said to him "John you've been doing a lot of praying so I am granting you with one wish, ask for whatever you want." John was very happy and said "God I always wanted to go to Hawaii but I am scared of flying, can you build me a road from California to Hawaii so I can drive there?" God then said "John many people will die making this bridge because it is in middle of the ocean and it is so long." John agreed and then said
"you know God my wife is always yelling at me, my mom is always mad at me and my sisters are always telling me that I'm wrong. Can you allow me to understand women." God thought for a while and then said ".....so when do you want that bridge done by?"

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Build me a bridge

A man was walking along a California beach and finds a genies bottle, he gives the bottle a rub and a genie appears and offers to grant him one wish.

The man said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm afraid of flying and I get sea sick in boats. Could you build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive there whenever I want?"

The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible! Think of the logistics! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of the concrete and steel! I could do it but it's hard for me to justify. Is there anything else you would like instead ?"

After much thought, the man said, "Iv'e been married and divorced 3 times and still don't understand women, so I wish that I could understand women."Then, after a few minutes, the genie said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

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If The Beatles were from Hawaii...

What would they have called their song, "Hello Goodbye?"

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I've been travelling around America for so long now. Hawaii, Massachusetts, Texas...

The end is NY.

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What does a Hawaiian suicide bomber say when he walks into a building?

ALOHA ACKBAR!

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I was fired for flying my plane from New Zealand to Hawaii.

They said I really crossed the line.

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What did the Hawaiian Jihadist say?

Aloha Akbar.

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I just took my girlfriend to Hawaii...

my wife was pissed.

Cr

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What's a massage with a happy ending in Hawaii called?

A lei.

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I'm having a bun filled with ham and pineapple for my lunch today

That's Hawaii roll.

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I went to the midget comedy fest in Hawaii

They called it the "Aloha"

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What does a hawaiian terrorist say?

Aloha Akbar

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A Muslim opens a cafe in Hawaii called Aloha Snackbar

Business is booming.

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What did the Hawaiian say to the visiting school kids about Mt. Kilauea?

This blows.

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How do you say hi to a Muslim in Hawaii?

Aloha Akbar.

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What did the Hawaiian terrorists say when they blew up a restaurant?

ALOHA SNACKBAR

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I don't have to go to Hawaii to hang 10

I can just stand here and smile

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What did the Hawaiian Jihadist say before he died?

Aloha Ackbar!

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What's the punchline to every joke told in Hawaii?

Alohahaha

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3 Nuns

Three nuns were on vacation and travelling in a bus. Sister Veronica was chatting with Sister Frances who was sitting next to her. Across the aisle was Sister Trudy. Sister Trudy was very hard of hearing and was leaning across the aisle and trying to hear what the other two sisters were talking about.
Sister Veronica said, "When I was in Hawaii last year, they had the hugest bananas I ever saw. They were humungous! This long!" she said as she held her hands a foot apart, "and this wide!" she said as she held her hands in a circle. "I had trouble eating one!" she said as she motioned biting down on a banana.
Sister Trudy was leaning further in the aisle, trying to tune in to the conversation of the other two nuns.
Sister Frances then said, "When I was in Florida last year, they had the hugest oranges I have ever seen." She held her palms upturned as if to hold two large oranges. "They were this big!"
Sister Trudy could no longer stand it and shouted out, "Father who????!!!"

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A lot of people say living in Hawaii is boring because it's the same beautiful day everyday.

Thanks for jynxing it assholes.

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What does a Hawaiian say when they get hurt?

Maui!

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What do Jamaicans eat when they are on vacation in Hawaii?

They eat poke mon!

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Terrorists in Hawaii be like..

..Aloha Akbar.

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The founder of the Lays potato chip company came to Hawaii the other day.

As a welcoming gift, we gave him leis.

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This year's Comic-Con will be hosted in Hawaii

in the hopes that sacrificing a few virgins will appease the angry volcano god.

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My jokes are like Missiles inbound to Hawaii.

They never land.

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If two Hawaiians are having a conversation on the U.S.S. Nimitz...

... do they speak carrier pidgin?

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Why were there so many Hawaiian lei's at the funeral?

the obituary read "Please send donations in luau flowers."

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Aloha

Aloha, I'm pretending I'm in Hawaii but really I'm just trying to get lei'd

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What happened to Hawaii when it lost all of its musical instruments?

It became an a cappellago.

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What do you call a Muslim fruit stand that sells treats on a beach in Hawaii?

'Aloha Snack bar!'

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Based on the story of the boy who cried wolf...

I'd say that Hawaii is safe for another couple missile strike warnings before they should actually worry.

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What did the Hawaiian dope dealer say to the Eskimo tourist?

Danks for da kine cold stranger!

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What did the Hawaiian wearing a hijab say as he approached the buffet?

Aloha snack-bar

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Where did Mohammed take his wife of their trip to Hawaii?

To The Aloha Snackbar

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Hawaiian joke I love, closest thing i've heard on the mainland features "a brunette, a redhead, and a blond" instead

A Hawaiian, a Japanese, and a Portagee guy are taking a break from construction on the bridge they're building. They sit down to take out their lunches they brought from home.
Hawaiian: If it's tuna salad again, I'm jumping off this bridge!
Japanese: If *I* gotta eat tuna salad one more time, I'm jumping off too.
Portagee: If I have tuna salad again, I'm gonna jump off too. I've had it.
They open their lunches and discover they all have tuna salad. They jump off the bridge.
At their funerals, their wives are weeping to themselves.
Hawaiian man's wife: If only I had known he hated tuna salad! I never woulda made again!
Japanese man's wife: I wish he had told me he didn't like his lunch! I would have made something different!
Portagee man's wife shrugs and says, "Eh, he made his own lunch."

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So there's a man riding his Harley.

All of the sudden this man hears the booming voice of God.
God says "My child, you have been so good and true to me I would like to grant you just one wish."
The man thought for a moment and then he said
"God, I wish for a bridge that stretches from California to Hawaii so I can ride my Harley to Hawaii any time I would like."
God responded "My son, I must admit that wish is quite materialistic, and the amount of energy and resources is exponential. Think for a moment and see if that is really what you want."
The man sat and pondered for a moment or two when he asked
"God, if you could give every man the sense to know what women really think and how they really feel when they feel nothing that would help me and every man on earth so much."
God paused for a moment and replied "So do you want the bridge two lanes or four lanes."

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Yo momma so dumb

she tried to avoid taxes by setting up an offshore bank account on Hawaii!

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What does a Hawaiian terrorist say?

Aloha akbar.

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What would be Obama's new nickname if he beat you five times in a row playing pickup?

"Hawaii Five O"

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Did you hear about the Muslim who started his own food stand in Hawaii?

He's calling it the "Aloha Snack Bar".

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What do you call a highway going from California to Hawaii?

An interplate highway

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What did the Hawaiian man say when he say the buffet?

Aloha Snackbar

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What do you say when you first come across a Hawaiian highjacking a plane, whilst screaming "It's a trap"

Aloha Ackbar

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A hawaiian jihadist stubs his toe before introducing himself to a tiki bar ...

"Aloha *ACK*-bar!"

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What did one Hawaiian shark say to the other?

'Oh, noβ€”not airplane food again.

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Help me write this joke. Punchline is "Aloha Akbar!"

something something Barrack Obama Hawaii Muslim

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What do you call a party thrown by a Terrorist at a bar on a hot day in Hawaii?

A-lou-AK-bar.

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Q: What do you call a whistleblower from Hawaii seeking political asylum in Russia?

A: Snowed in

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What did the muslim man say when he arrived at his resort in Hawaii?

Aloha Snackbar!

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I read a magazine article about a population increase in Hawaii.

The author was Commonawannalaya.

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What does Captain Falcon drink in Hawaii?

PUNCH!

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I'm excited to go to Hawaii

I heard as soon as you get off the plane you get lei'd.

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What's the name of the WWII Museum in Japan?

Kamikawaii in Hawaii

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What did the Muslim Terrorist say when he bombed Hawaii?

Oahu Akbar!

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What did the hungry terrorist say when he went on a vacation to Hawaii?

***ALOHA SNACKBAR***

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Hawaiians were never known to be cannibals. Maybe a nibble here and there...

You know, finger food.

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What did the Muslim say when he went to Hawaii?

Aloha Akbar!

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Why is there no Dick's sporting goods in Hawaii?

Nobody grew the balls to do it.

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What does the Hawaiian Jihadist say before exploding?

Aloha Akbar

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What does the Hawaiin ISIS member say?

Aloha Ackbar!

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Why do the birthers...?

Why do the Birthers care about where Barack Obama was born (Hawaii, not Kenya) and not where Ted Cruz was born (Canada, not Texas)?

Because Barack Obama is black.

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TIL that Hawaii is classified as a "Fly-over" state

At least by the Japaneese Empire...
(Sorry)

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What is the worst thing to hear in Hawaii?

Aloha Akbar

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What do you call it when a bunch of Judaic people organize a celebration in Hawaii?

A Jew-au

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If two Hawaiians have a conversation on the USS Nimitz…

… do they speak carrier pidgin?

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In hawaii they took too seriosly the game

Floor is lava

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Did you hear about what's happening in Hawaii?

Seems like they could use help. Hopefully President Trump offers assistance to their president.

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My buddy gave me an inside tip on real estate in Hawaii

Yeah I guess the housing mark is really hot right now.

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There is only on e way to save Hawaii

We must sacrifice a seated president to the angry volcano.

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What are the best Hawaii puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Hawaii? Well, here are the best jokes about Hawaii to have fun with.

Joko Jokes