Haunted House Jokes

your mama is so ugly, when she went in a haunted house, she came out with a job application

I heard that you went to the haunted house and they offered you a job.

A man moves into a haunted house

After several nights of ghosts keeping him awake with their moaning and moving furniture around the house he calls an exorcist. A priest eventually comes round, performs some incantations, and sprinkles holy water around. The man was grateful for the priest's help with this haunting but says that he has no money on hand to pay him. The priest says "Fret not my son, we can send you a bill. Just pay it off within the month or we'll repossess your house."

There once was a man who made dead houses.

There once was a man who made dead houses; Stored them under his home with the bugs and the mouses; The coffins he made were of rich sleek wood; He built them as big, yet as fast as he could; For his caskets were haunted and were said to walk; one night he went to his basement, and one started to rock; It moved towards him, his insides began to soften; So he pulled out some Halls, cause Halls stops the coffin.

My house was being haunted, so my wife and I decided to look up some exorcists.

I found a really good one, but when we met with him, he seemed depressed. My wife found one that seemed much more upbeat. We discussed our options and decided to go with the happy medium.

What happened when the man couldn't afford the mortgage on his haunted house?

...it was repossessed!

My house was haunted...

... then I got a divorce.
d**... free since 2003.

What do you call

What do you call a dead chicken that's haunting your house?
A poultrygeist

How do you get into a haunted house?

By using a spookey!

Haunted House Sandwich

What did one the left headphone say to the right headphone as they walked through a haunted house?

This place feels earie.

What do you call a repetative job at a haunted house?

A day-job-boo!

What kind of cereal do you find in a haunted house?

Cinnamon Ghost Crunch

What did the homeowners of house haunted by windows have?

Phantom panes.

My house was haunted, so I got it exorcised by an expert.

Unfortunately, I couldn't afford the payment and it got repossessed.

How did the haunted house escape foreclosure?

it was repossessed

Apparently, the house was haunted.

I took that information with a pinch of salt.

Why did the comedian leave the haunted house?

He couldn't handle the booing audience.

I bought a haunted house...

sadly i couldn't keep up with the repayments so the house is now repossessed...

If ever you're going to a haunted house, you need three people.

A young priest, an old priest, and Richard Simmons, just in case you need to exercise a ghost or two.

Regarding the war on t**...

Fighting it in the Middle East seems a little crazy. I would've started with our nation's haunted houses.

Somebody told me my house is haunted.

What a freaking joke! I built this place in 1865. I'm the first owner!

What is the best deterrent of spirits for a haunted house?

Ghost hunters

A s**... club set up a haunted house last Halloween.

It was whorrifying.

I had a chance to buy a couple of haunted houses and turn them into rental properties...

but I said no, because who wants to be the lessor of two evils?

How do you know your house is haunted?

You get booed during s**....

"Dad can we go to a haunted house?"

Dad: What's wrong with the one we live in?
Son: WHAT?
Dad: Goodnight son.

some think haunted houses are on the scariest level.

I think haunted skyscrapers are scary on multiple levels.

At the amusement park's Haunted House, the toilets are three inches taller than normal.

They like to keep visitors on their toes.

I think my house is being haunted by David Carradine...

because all my doorknobs are suddenly loose.

I went to a haunted house last night

The scariest part was making small talk with the staff

If one door closes and another door opens

Your house is probably haunted.

Honestly 2017 should be recreated as a haunted house attraction.

But instead of being scared, You get angry and offended.

I just met the girl of my dreams...

Yeah I probably shouldn't have bought a haunted house.

My house is haunted by Nintendo characters.

I knew I shouldn't have fooled around with that Luigi board.

Why didn't the four year old triplets go into the haunted house?

They were all three 2².

What do you call a haunted heb house?

A poultry geist .

A psychic told me that the spirit of an old Italian chef is haunting my house.

I'm not worried though, I ain't alfredo no ghost.

Is your house haunted?

No, it's lack-ghost-intolerant

My mom told me that if I watched scary movies, the monster could come out of the TV and haunt the house..

So I only watched them at my friends' house.

In my opinion, if we're going to fight a war on t**...

A good place to start would be this nation's haunted houses

[OC] What do you put in a haunted house for retail workers?

Graveyard shifts.
(werewolf boos in the distance)

You go to a really scary haunted house, what do you wear? Depends....

...No seriously, Depends.

Take a woman you're interested in to a Haunted House. If she screams while people chase her with fake knives...

She'll probably scream when you try to actually stab her

People say that my house is haunted

They are lying cuz I've been living here for 274 years without noticing anything.

Tried to tell a joke to the ghost that haunts my house but I don't think he liked it...

...he just looked at me and boo'd.

I'm so pale...

I'm so pale that when I went outside last winter, the neighborhood kids said, "Hey, look! Frosty's on a diet!"
I'm so pale that when I worked in the ice cream parlor and was giving a kid his vanilla cone, he started l**... my hand.
I'm so pale that my house is listed as haunted. It was built last year!
I'm so pale that when I went to confession, the priest told me to eat a clove of garlic.

I visited a haunted house today, and my friends fled in t**....

I've been to this place for the last 271 years and haven't seen a single ghost.
Absolute cowards.

Do you ever wonder if your house is haunted? Follow this easy step by step process to find out for sure!

Step 1: it isn't.

Have you heard about the haunted house shortage?

Seems like a lot of people are running out of them.

My roommate says that our house is haunted.

But i live there for around 700 years and I've never seen anything.

What happens if you don't pay the priest, who comes to exorcise your haunted house?

Your house gets repossessed.

I had to call a psychic to my house due to strange sightings of a chicken's spirit haunting my home.

He called it a poultrygeist.

My Roommate told me that my house is haunted.

I've been living there for 200 years and found nothing weird.

They say that this house is haunted.

That's funny; I've lived here for 245 years, and I haven't noticed anything strange.

9 and 5 walk into a haunted house...

9 leans over and whispers "I'm squared."
5 laughs and replies "I'm not, that would be irrational."

A lady suspects her house is haunted and converts it into a tavern...

She was possessed by the entrepreneurial spirit.

Every time one door closes, another opens.

I think my house is haunted.

Who was the most frustrated ghost in the world?

The one that haunted Helen Keller's house.

The Three Stooges are spending the night in a haunted house... and get up to their usual eye-poking, nyuk-nyuking, slapstick shenanigans. In the middle of the pie fight, a poltergeist appears. Curly throws a cream pie and it turns around in midair and smacks him right in the face!

He turns to Moe and says, "Hey, I think that ghost must have been from Australia."
"Oh yeah, why?"
"Because it just threw a Boo-Meringue at me!"

Did you guys know that according to scientists, in October the mitochondria turns into the frightochondria

And becomes the haunted house of the cell

I tried stand-up before, but it didn't work out. My first audience was a real tough crowd

I was performing in a haunted house and the only responses I got were "boooo".

What do you call it when a ghost feels like it's haunted the same house before?

De ja Boo!