Hates Jokes
148 hates jokes and hilarious hates puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about hates that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Hates Short Jokes
Short hates jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The hates humour may include short despise jokes also.
- I absolutely HATE when people make a post subtly implying it's their cake day, just so people can wish them. You won't catch me doing that today.
- I hate how politically correct the world is these days, you can't even say black paint You have to say
Leroy, please paint that wall - Fishermen hate him- You won't believe the one item he uses to catch more fish than anyone else Click bait.
- Don't you hate it when you can't sleep because you are reminded of a mistake you made 2 years ago? I hate it when my kid cries in the middle of the night
- Let's discuss who the most hated world leader is as of now I think Putin just Trump-ed all of his competitors
- I like to stand in the corner of my psychiatrist's waiting room and blow on anyone who walks by... Most people hate it, but I'm a fan...
- My wife accused me of hating her family and relatives... I replied, "No, I don't hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine."
- I hate it when engineering students refer to themselves as engineers... Like you don't see med students calling themselves doctors or arts students calling themselves unemployed.
- My girlfriend hates it when I sneak up on her. Also the police say I should stop referring to her as my girlfriend.
- You're offered $50,000, but if you accept it the person you hate the most in the entire world will get $100,000. You taking it? Yes why wouldn't I want $150,000.
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Hates One Liners
Which hates one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with hates? I can suggest the ones about love hate and hatred.
- I hate when my girlfriend gets mad at me for being lazy It's not like I did anything
- Why does spiderman hate driving with his evil twin? Because he's a bad parallel Parker
- Why do librarians hate tennis? Too much racket.
- I hate how funerals are always at 9 or 10am... I'm not really a mourning person.
- Did you hear about the pessimist who hates sausage? They say he fears the wurst
- Why does Oedipus hate profanity? He kisses his mother with that mouth.
- Why did Stalin only write in lowercase? Because he hated Capitalism
- I hate being bipolar, it's great
- I hate it when people use "you're" and "your" incorrectly There so dumb
- I hate being schizophrenic So do I
- What do you call a group of people with something in common, but hate each other? drivers
- I hate people who talk behind my back. They discussed me.
- I read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. At first I hated it, but by the end I loved it.
- Is it wrong to hate a specific race Because I really hate marathons
- Why do Native Americans hate snow? Because it's white and settles on their land.
God Hates Jokes
Here is a list of funny god hates jokes and even better god hates puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Speed dating Her: I hate it when people get excited when they find out they have smallest thing in common.
Me: Oh my God! Me too! - I hate it when people compare Freddie Mercury to God I mean He's good but He's no Freddie Mercury.
- Why does God hate Trig? Cos it's a Sin
- God I hate hidden microphones They bug me so much!
- God I would hate it if this covid pandemic kept going all the way through to tick season. I really don't like corona with Lyme.
- I hate when people compare Eminem to God I mean, he's great and all, but he's no Eminem.
- I hate when my friends always talk about Norse gods Like bro it's Loki annoying
- Why do Jehovah's witnesses hate Halloween? They don't like people knocking on their door!
- Why does God hate it when you throw spaghetti in the ocean? It's a pasta sea.
- I don't see why everyone hates the euthanasia I mean for god sakes, they're just kids!
Cheerful Fun Hates Jokes to Brighten Your Day with Humor and Joy
What funny jokes about hates you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean disliked jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make hates pranks.
Never treat a woman like an object...
It hates that.
I just don't get some people. I mean, you compliment on their mustache out of sheer politeness...
...and all of a sudden she hates your guts.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
After record breaking single day sales at Chic-Fil-a amid the same s**... controversy
today CEO of Jack in the Box Ted Fuller said he "hates Jews and Mexicans."
My missus hates it when I put her chocolate bars in other chocolate bar wrappers.
It gets her Snickers in a Twix.
I've been sleeping with my maid for the past 3 years.
Just don't tell me wife, she hates it when I call her that.
I'm still on my first marriage, and... Wait, that sounded very negative, as if I don't expect this marriage to last.
My current wife hates it when I talk like that.
I love my girlfriend, but...
My wife hates her!
I complained to my psychiatrist that everyone hates me.
He said "Don't be ridiculous! Everyone hasn't met you yet"
The Government
Don't lie..
Don't cheat.
Dont steal.
Don't sell drugs.
Don't kill.
The Government Hates Competition
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Little Erika hates hypocrisy..
Little Erika gets up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. As she passes her parents' bedroom she peeks in through the keyhole. She watches for a moment, then continues on down the hallway muttering to herself, "And she gets mad at me for s**... my thumb . "
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
No one in here better be making any jokes about Fred Phelps' death
God hates gags.
What do you call a Parrot that loves maths and hates food?
a polynomeal
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So there's this new t**......
So there's this new t**... in the store, and he's complaining about how he hates his job and wishes he was something better. His complaining starts to really annoy everyone when an older t**... walks up, slaps him, and looks him sternly in the eyes and says, "s**... it up."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's black and blue and hates s**...?
The boy scout in my trunk.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To push Jake off a cliff.... he really hates Jake.
as told by my 6 year old who hates a kid named Jake.
Why did the gamer refuse to join the Boy Scouts?
He hates camping
Why aren't there any Calculus teachers in Little Rock, Arkansas?
Because everyone there hates integration.
How can you tell someone hates vegans, cross fitters, and atheists?
Don't worry, they'll repost a joke about it.
Kim Jong Un recently banned the blues scale...
He hates Seoul music
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug
to the IT guy and tell him I've successfully installed Java.
He hates me.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I made a deposit at the s**... bank last night.
She really hates it when I call her that though.
I heard this girl talking about how much she hates stalkers.
I nearly fell out of my tree.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why Gordon Ramsey hates WWE
Because it's f*cking RAW
I've only seen "Babe" once, but I've said "That'll do, pig" 1000 times.
My wife hates me.
I've just bought a house with period features
She hates that nickname.
The Dad joke pay-off [not actually a joke, sorry]
Dad, a little after lunchtime: "Are you hungry?"
Son: "No."
D. "Really? You've hardly had anything to eat all day."
S. "Okay, really I am, but I don't want to say it because then you'll do that joke again."
Son hates joke so much he would rather go hungry than risk hearing it one more time. Now my legacy is in place, I may die a happy man.
Life is like a bag of jelly beans
Everyone hates the black ones
Why does Jesus Jaywalk?
Because he hates crosswalks
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the difference between a slab of meat and someone who hates high school students?
One's protein, the other's anti-teen.
A Trucker Hates Lawyers so Much That When he Sees Them he Always Runs Them Over
One day he sees a priest hitchhiking and decides to give a ride to the holy man. As they go along the road, the trucker spots a lawyer by the side of the road and steers to run him over. At the last minute he remembers the priest in the truck and swerves away hoping to avoid judgment of his sins.
He says "I'm sorry father, I don't know what came over me!"
The priest replies, "Don't worry, I got him with the door!"
Conversation that just happened between a friend (lawyer) and I (Architect).
Friend: Everybody hates lawyers, until they need one.
Me: Everybody loves architects, until they need one.
The cashier at my local grocery store hates me...
I'm always paying in 1$ bills and I use a lot of them. I attempted to calm her down with some humor.
"I'm an exotic dancer...and I'm really good at it", I said with a wink.
She replied with a glare, "I doubt that. If you were any good you'd be paying with $5's"
Whats big, pink, long and my girlfriend hates when I put it in her mouth?
Our miscarriage.
A Man was talking with his best friend.
About how much he hates his Mother in law.
Friend says " Well without your Mother in law you wouldn't have your wife so you cant hate her."
Man says "No pretty sure thats mainly the reason I hate her."
My girlfriend hates when I make jokes about her weight...
She needs to lighten up.
My girlfriend hates it when I surprise her when shes sleeping...
OK, so she's not my girlfriend yet...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
ALL THE g**... ON AN ISLAND
My brother hates gay people -- hates us. 'We should take all you g**... and stick you on an island.' 'Well they have, Frank. We call it Manhattan.'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why does Gordon Ramsey like to have s**... with a c**...?
Because he hates it raw.
What do you call...
What do you call it when a man who Hates games, cant stop playing side scrolling shooters?
A contr-addiction
What image format does Gordon Ramsay hates the most?
.raw
Our family surname is Daniels
So rather hilariously we named our first child Jack.
She hates it.
My friend said he hated grapefruit with a passion.
I asked him if he also hates passion fruit with a grape.
Why does Jesus hates playing video games?
Because it takes him three days to respawn.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to d**...…
Mostly because his name is Steve…
Why does Snow White own an Android?
Because she hates Apples.
There's a homophobic monster under your bed...
That hates the monster in your closet.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There is a new t**... religion that hates addition
The Tally Ban
What do you call a camel that hates cows?
Drama-dairy.
Courtesy of my eight-year-old
What do you call someone who hates brown rice?
Ricist.
What's a dentist's favorite time of the day?
Five o'clock, because he hates his job and lives for the weekend.
As a 30 year old man, I can tell you that dating never gets any easier......
I've been with my girlfriend for 6 months now, and last night we had dinner at her parents house. Her Mother doesn't care for me, but her Father hates me; which is weird, because we used to play football together in high school.
Why doesn't sherlock holmes ever drink tea made in hospitals?
He really hates more ER tea
My son said he hates paraphrasing.
Or something like that.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What t**... group hates modern broadcast systems?
The Teleban
Can someone explain this joke my dad told me?
My dad told me there was a joke inside of the mirror but all I ever see is that one kid he always hates and gets mad at.
My friend hates his job at the art museum.
He only does it for the Monet.
I have a friend who says that he hates all comforters.
I told him that he shouldn't make blanket statements like that.
My wife says she hates being on her period . . .
. . . so I asked if she would prefer my exclamation point.
The beard or me. You must choose.
A guy decides to grow a beard and his girlfriend hates it. She finally tells him: it's time to choose me or the beard.
He says: "What? Choose between the love of my life and a source of irritation that needs constant attention and tending? That's an easy decision....The hard question is who gets the apartment?"
My girlfriend hates it when I call her 'curvy'.
She says it's Scoliosis.
You know who really hates spoiled children?
Cannibals.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What should you do if someone hates on your puns?
Punish them.
I don't understand why Ice Cube hates the police so much...
They are a really good band
The main reason everybody hates flat Earthers
...is because they're so edgy.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a masseuse that hates women?
A massagynist.
So, I introduced my gf to my family today...
I still don't know why my wife hates her so much.
White light hates passing through a prism.
It shows its true colors.
I have a t-shirt that says, "Hope is contagious."
My ex-girlfriend Hope really hates that shirt.
My girlfriend said she hates being on her period.
I told her it was better than being in a comma.
When im alone i like to pretend im a wind turbine. My wife hates it...
But im a big fan.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife hates cleaning so now I'm paying for a maid, she hates changing diapers so now I'm paying for a nanny...
And she hates having s**... with me so now I'm paying for a tennis coach.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a blind person who hates jews.
A not-see.
My friend is a male stripper. He hates his job and wants to quit, but the pay is too good.
So he decided to stick it out for a little longer.
Why didn't they make today a national holiday to signify the first moon landing?
Because everyone hates moon days.
An American and a German are discussing freedom of speech.
The German says:
>Here in Germany, contrary to what a lot of you Americans think, we do have freedom of speech. Everyone here hates Putin, but I could walk right up to the Bundestag and proclaim: "I love Vladimir Putin!" And I wouldn't even be arrested!
The American replies:
>Ah, yes, but in the USA we're even freer. I could walk right up to the White House and shout "I love Vladimir Putin"... and they'd let me in!
My girlfriend hates it when I tap the brakes to make the car bounce when I listen to hiphop.
But when I think about it, she never did like brakedancing.
Tom and his buddy got drunk
Tom took it too far and puked on his shirt.
"Oh no! My wife will kill me she hates when i drink"
"Dont worry. Take this 20$ bill and tell her someone else puked on you and gave you the money for the cleaning."
So it was done.
Tom went home and his wife starts nagging and screaming to poor Tom.
"No honey someone puked on me and gave me 20 bucks for the cleaning. See?"
"And what is the second bill for?"
"Oh someone crapped in my pants too."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My Chinese friend really hates shoes that have to be tied
He's such a lacist
What do you call a country that hates the 5th letter of the alphabet?
Haiti
Why did Al Capone refuse to carry pennies?
Because he hates coppers, see?
