Hat Jokes

125 hat jokes and hilarious hat puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about hat that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Looking for a laugh? Check out our collection of funny hat jokes. From silly jokes to puns, we've got all the jokes you need to put a smile on your face.

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Funniest Hat Short Jokes

Short hat jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The hat humour may include short cap jokes also.

  1. Since this is the first year that I've remembered my cake day, here's my four year old's favorite joke. What did one hat say to the other hat? You stay here. I'll go on ahead.
  2. My dad says we shouldn't reward people with trophies for participation, because it's like a reward for losing. So I took his vietnam Veteran hat
  3. I've lost a lot of weight just by wearing bread on my head. It's a new loaf hat diet I'm trying.
  4. I went trick or treating as Gandhi and kept all of my candy in a hat And when someone tried to take the candy from my hat i told them "My hat my candy"
  5. My brother wanted to play cowboys and indians So I put on a ten gallon hat and and chaps and he went to MIT and graduated in computer science.
  6. I found a hat with $17.50 in it and I thought this other guy was going to pick it up but... ...he was too busy juggling.
  7. I kept pulling the string from my Christmas hat and now its half the size Oops, wrong thread
  8. Did you know that you can fit any boat on your head like a hat, if you flip it over? That makes it cap sized
  9. Did you know you can wear any boat as a hat? You just have to turn it upside down to make it cap sized.
  10. Did you hear about the cowboy who wore a hat made of paper towels? He had a bounty on his head.
    ...I'll see myself out. :-/

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Hat One Liners

Which hat one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with hat? I can suggest the ones about fedora and cowboy hat.

  1. What did the bra say to the hat? You go on a head, I'll give these two a lift
  2. How did they name Canada? They picked letters out of a hat: C eh, N eh, D eh.
  3. What do you call a lion with a fancy hat? A dandy lion.
  4. Did you know? If you put a hard hat up to your ear... can hear the OSHA
  5. Why couldnt the laptop take off his hat? He had caps lock on.
  6. What do you call a gold fish wearing a top-hat? Sofishticated
  7. If you turn a boat over you can wear it as a hat It's capsized
  8. If your rowing boat turns upside down, you can wear it as a hat.. It's capsized.
  9. What did one hat say to the other? "You stay here, I'll go on ahead...."
  10. What did the hat say to the scarf? You hang around, and I'll go on ahead.
  11. Two hats on a hat hanger, one says to the other.... You go on ahead.
  12. I recently lost lots of weight by placing bread on my head. The loaf hat diet
  13. What did the scarf say to the hat? I'm just gonna hang around here.. you go on ahead.
  14. What did the hat say to the hat rack? You stay here, I'm going to go on a head.
  15. What do you call a lion wearing a stylish hat? A dandy lion

Hat Day Jokes

Here is a list of funny hat day jokes and even better hat day puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What's it called when you sleep with 3 old people in one day? A geri-hat-trick.
  • So an LGBTQ group plan a meeting one day. And the leader of the group asks: What's on the agenda?
    One of the group members stand up and say: A top hat. Thanks for noticing!
  • It has been a bit of a strange day today... First of all I found a hat full of money in the high street, then I was chased by an angry man with a guitar!
  • Had the wierdest day first I found a hat full of change just sitting on the pavement... ...then I spent the rest of the morning being chased by an angry one-man-band.
  • My Grandfather always told me "never wear animal skin hats in the woods during hunting season" One day I asked him why and he said "Other hunters might try and make conversation with you"
  • I saw a guy wearing a stovepipe hat the other day... I said, "Hey! Abraham Lincoln called and he wants..." Then I realized, they didn't have phones in the mid 1800s.
  • I saw a pirate walking down the street the other day I said to him
    "that's an awesome outfit, but where are your buccaneers?"
    He replied
    "They're under my buckin hat!"
  • A pencil puts on a hat and turns to another pencil and says, "this hat looks terrible doesn't it?" The other pencil days, "it does, but I don't see your point."
  • Today it's National t**... Cap Day Hats off to whoever founded it.

Cowboy Hat Jokes

Here is a list of funny cowboy hat jokes and even better cowboy hat puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • A dog with a cowboy hat, spurs and a cigar limps in through the swinging doors of a saloon... ...He says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw"
  • What does a a cowboy car salesman say *tips hat* Audi
  • Why are cowboy hats curled up on the side? So they can fit three in the pickup.
  • Did you hear about the brown paper bag cowboy? He had a brown paper bag hat, brown paper bag boots, a brown paper bag shirt, and a pair of brown paper bag pants. He was arrested. For rustling.
  • I met this cowboy with a brown paper hat, paper waistcoat and paper trousers. He was wanted for rustling!
  • A stick insect walks into a bank A stick insect walks into a bank wearing a cowboy hat with two guns holstered at his side.
    He yells "HEYYYYYYY, this is a stick up."
  • Where do Arabians with cowboy hats gather? Howdy Arabia
  • Last year Chuck Norris won the prize for best float at the Carnival in Rio simply by walking in the parade wearing his cowboy hat.
  • How do cowboys feel when their hats fly off? Up-stet.
  • what does a cowboy from colorado wear? a 420-gallon hat

Hard Hat Jokes

Here is a list of funny hard hat jokes and even better hard hat puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What do you call a snake wearing a hard hat? A boa constructor
  • You know what happens when you put a hard hat up to your ear? You hear the OSHA.
  • I forgot my hard hat when I went to the building site... Health and safety came down on me like a tonne of bricks.
  • The nun at church The nun at church is always wearing a titanium hat. When I asked her about it... she said it was a hard habit to break.
  • Some jokes are intentionally hard to understand... This joke for instance, is like a hat.

Sorting Hat Jokes

Here is a list of funny sorting hat jokes and even better sorting hat puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Hagrid is so fat The Sorting Hat put him in the Waffle House
  • Yo momma is so fat, the sorting hat put her in all four houses.
  • Yo mama is so fat... That the sorting hat put her in the waffle house!
  • What did the Sorting Hat say to Basilisk? SLITHERIN!
  • What did the sorting hat say to the quadriplegic? Stay here, I'll just go on ahead.
  • Yo Mama's so fat... The Sorting Hat sorted her into the House of Pancakes.

Comical & Quirky Hat Jokes for a Roaring Good Time

What funny jokes about hat you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean scarf jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make hat pranks.

Dave was getting robbed in the desert

he gave the robber his money and asked the robber shoot a few bullets in his hat to make it believable to his wife that he was robbed.
he then asked," shoot a few bullets in the coat while you're at it, I want to look like I fought you and not look like a coward"
after the robber shot the coat, he said, "shoot a few holes-"
"please, no more holes, I'm out of bullets"
"that's what I wanted to hear. now give me back the wallet and some more money for the hat and coat you destroyed before I beat you black and blue"

A guy walks into a Muslim bookstore wearing a Make America Great Again hat...

As he was wandering around taking a look, the clerk asked if he could help the man find anything.
Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. immigration policy regarding Muslims and i**... aliens?
The clerk said, Kiss my a**...… get out… and stay out!
The man said, Yes, that's the one.  Do you have it in paperback?

A Jewish grandmother is walking on the beach with her grandson...

Suddenly, a rogue wave comes in and sweeps the grandson out to sea. Distraught, the grandmother looks to the sky and says, "Oh god, i have always been true and faithful to you. Please bring my grandson back." And with that, another wave comes in and deposits the grandson safely on the shore. The grandmother once again looks to the sky and says, "He had a hat."

A grandmother is watching her grandson....

A grandmother is watching her grandson play on the beach when a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea.
She looks up and pleads, Please God, save my only grandson. I beg of you, my life has no meaning without him. Please bring him back.
And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new.
She looks up to heaven and says: He had a hat!

A man is lying on a nudist beach wearing only a hat covering his c**...

When all of a sudden a woman passes by who remarks, "If you were even the tiniest bit of a gentleman, you would lift and tip your hat to a lady."
He replies, "If you were even the tiniest bit of a s**... woman, the hat would lift by itself."

A magician gets himself a parrot for his act

After a couple weeks of performing with the magician the parrot begins to heckle the magician during his shows. "it's under his hat, it's up his sleeve, his assistant has it."
The magician is performing on a cruise ship when the ship sinks. The magician wakes up on a piece of driftwood with the parrot standing on the opposite end. The parrot and the magician spend 2 days floating at sea without saying a word.
Finally the parrot says, "Alright, I give up. Where's the boat?"

An older man walks into a bar...

...wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard. He sits down at a bar and orders a drink. As the bartender sets it down, he asks, "Going to a party?"
"Yeah, a costume party," the man answers, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life."
"But you look like Abe Lincoln," protests the bartender.
"That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."

A man is sunbathing on a n**... beach

To prevent a sunburn, he covers his most important o**... with a hat.
A woman passes by and notices the hat.
She says, "Sir, a real gentleman always lifts his hat in front of a lady."
The man replies, "Ma'am if you were a real lady, the hat would've lifted itself."

"Dmytry! I take my hat off to you!"

"You and Sarah have been married for 50 years, whenever I see you walking around town you are still holding hands!
Well." Dmytry began
"If I let her go she will surely buy something!"
Translated from Russian, sorry if I made mistakes.

fishing by the river

A man and his friend were fishing by the river when a f**... procession approached. The man stood up, took off his hat, and waited for the procession to pass, and sat back down. His friend said,"That was very respectful of you, very nice." The man then replied,"Well we were married for 40 years."

n**... sunbathing....

A man was sunbathing n**... at the beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates. A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."
He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly, it would lift itself."

A cowboy takes a break from the range and heads out to LA for a cowboy convention . . .

When he gets to LA, he decides to stop at a local watering hole and grab a beer. He's sitting there in his hat, jeans, and boots, when a woman walks up and sits down beside him.
Woman: Are you a cowboy?
Cowboy: Well yes ma'am, I am.
Woman: Like a real deal cowboy?
Cowboy: I don't know any other kind.
Woman: I've never met a real cowboy before.
Cowboy: Well now you have.
Woman: Well?
Cowboy: Well what?
Woman: Aren't you going to ask what I am?
Cowboy: Well, uh, what are you?
Woman: I'm a lesbian.
Cowboy: A lesb- . . . I don't believe I know what that is.
Woman: It means that I like women. I like to kiss them and touch them and make love to them.
Cowboy: . . . .
The woman gets up and leaves and another woman comes into the bar. She spots the cowboy sitting there with his beer and takes a seat beside him.
Woman: Are you a cowboy?
Cowboy: Well ma'am, I thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.

A Halloween joke for you.

Little Johnny is out trick or treating on Halloween dressed as a pirate. He walked up to a house and said "trick or treat". The little old lady just gushed over his costume. She says to Johnny, "What a cute costume, but let me ask you....Where are your buccaneers?" Little Johnny says back, "They're under my buckin hat lady."

A man lies n**... on the beach...

But because his private parts aren't as tanned as the rest of his body, he place a hat on it. A few minutes later a lady walks by, fully n**.... The lady jokinly said to the man "Well, if you were a gentleman, you would raise your hat for me..." The man answered in return "Well, m'lady, the hat would raise itself, if you weren't that ugly."

When Canada was first founded, its leaders were having trouble coming up with a name.

Unable to come up with any ideas, they decided the best course of action would be to draw random letters out of a hat.
One man pulled out a letter, cleared his t**..., and read,
"C, eh."
The letter was written down. The man pulled out another letter and read,
"N, eh."
This, too, was recorded. The man drew one more letter and read,
"D, eh."

It was time to name Canada

All the 4 founding hosiers were sitting around and no one could agree on a name. They finally decided to put a bunch of letters in a hat and 3 people would draw one out at a time while the last transcribed the name.
The first guy drew and read, "C, eh?"
The next drew, "N, eh?"
Finally the last maple head drew and said, "D, eh?"

A man decided to sunbathe on the beach.

He took all of his clothes off, except that he covered his private parts with a hat to prevent a sunburn. As he's sunbathing, a woman walks past him. She looks at the man and snidely remarks:
"A true gentleman would always tip his hat for a lady."
To which the man replies:
"Ma'am, if you were a true lady, it would tip itself."

A Very Nice Golfer

There are two men playing golf, at the end of the range you can see a f**... procession going by. As the hearse drives by followed by a few cars one man kneels down, takes off his hat and puts it over his heart, and says a prayer.
The man next to him says, "Well that's the nicest thing I've ever seen a golfer do!" The man stands up says "Well it's the least I could do, I was married to her for 35 years..."

I found a hat with £17.50 in it

I thought this other lad was going to pick it up.
But he was to busy juggling.

Job Fatality in Ireland

An Irish woman is making supper when she hears a knock on the cottage door. It's the priest and he has his hat in his hand, looking solemnly at the ground.
She's says "oh no, it's bad news isn't it father!"
"Yes, tis" says the priest.
"About my husband?? is he dead, father?" She gasps.
"There was a terrible accident at the brewery, he fell into a vat of Guinness and drowned"
"Was it a quick death, father?"
"Truth be told, he got out 3 times to pee"

A hat and a tie are out running

The tie gets tired and says he needs a break.
The hat replies "Don't worry. You hang around and I'll go on ahead."

Frank and Harry are at their golf club...

As Frank gets set to take his swing, a f**... procession goes by. He steps back, takes his hat off and holds it over his heart. Harry walks over, puts his hand on Frank's shoulder and says "That was a thoughtful thing to do". To which Frank replies "It was the least I could do, we were married for 30 years."

A pirate walks into a bar...

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel tucked partially under his hat. The bartender says to him, "Oi, what's that?" The pirate responds, "Aargggh, I've got a bounty on me head."

Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How's about a second go but this time lose the hat

Ratatouille's Remy hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold

I like to sleep with the bedside lamp on, even though the wife thinks it's weird....

I don't see why, I think it makes a great hat!

On Halloween, a little boy dressed as a pirate.

He went up to a house and rang the doorbell. A man answered and said, "Well I'll be, a pirate! But where are your buccaneers?
The little boy replied, "Under my buckin' hat."

A tomato; a tap and a hat were having a race...

the tap was running but the hat was on ahead while the tomato couldn't ketchup.

A Fishing Tale

On the shore of the Indian Ocean a raggedy Indian fisherman lay dozing with a hat over his face. Beside him two fishing lines were stuck into the sand.
Up comes an American.
'What are you sleeping for?' says the American. 'You'd be better off catching fish.'
'What for?' asks the fisherman.
'What do you mean, what for? You'd catch some fish, you'd sell them and with the money you'd buy yourself a trawler.
The trawler would catch even more fish. You'd sell it and buy yourself an even bigger boat. You'd catch still more fish. You'd sell it.
Then you'd build yourself a fish processing factory . . . and get rich.
And then you could lie on the beach and sleep.'
The fisherman pulled his hat even further down over his face.
'But that's what I'm doing now.'

Girlfriend said last night "You treat our relationship like some kind of game!"

Which unfortunately cost her 12 points,a bonus chance and she has to wear the hat that looks like a colander til she rolls a double 6.

The Paper Cowboy

A cowboy walked into a bar and ordered a whisky. When the bartender delivered the drink, the cowboy asked, "Where is everybody?"
The bartender replied, "They've gone to the hanging."
"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"
"Brown Paper Pete," the bartender replied.
"What kind of a name is that?" the cowboy asked.
"Well," said the bartender, "he always wore a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes."
"How bizarre," said the cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?"
"Rustling," answered the bartender.

A woman was running late for Sunday mass.

As she ran up the church steps, she tripped and fell...her dress came up and her hat flew off. She stood up, put on her hat and started straightening out her dress when she saw a priest standing at the door,
"Excuse Father Ryan, is mass out?" she asked
The priest looked at her and said "No, but your hat is kind of crooked"

So, I have had a pretty weird morning...

First I find a hat filled with money, and then out of nowhere I get randomly chased by an angry man with a guitar!

How many magicians does it take to pull a rabbit out of a hat?

One. It's a trick question.

One morning, a priest gives a sermon on the Seven Deadly Sins

After the sermon, a guy goes up to the priest and says, "Father, thank you so much for giving that sermon. It meant so much to me, and I'll tell you why. I lost my hat last week and I couldn't find it anywhere. I finally decided to steal a new one from the store, but now that I heard your sermon, I'm not going to."
The priest smiles and says, "That's good, my son. The part about 'thou shalt not steal' moved you, did it?"
The guy says, "Nope. After that part about adultery, I remember where I left my hat."

The old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind....

The old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said: Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?
Yes, I know, said the lady, I need both hands to hold onto this hat. But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed! said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!

I made this up today! What do you call a guy who's been left at the old persons home three times in a week?

j**... hat trick.

A young woman was pulled over for speeding

A young woman was pulled over for speeding.
The State Trooper walked to her car window and opened his ticket book.
The woman said, "I bet you're going to try to sell me a ticket to the State Troopers' Ball."
The trooper told her, "Ma'am, State Troopers don't have b**...."
There was a moment of silence... The trooper tipped his hat, and returned to his car.

What did the bra say to the hat at the end of the undergarment party?

You go on ahead, I'll give these two a lift.

A sheriff walks into a saloon, the doors swinging on their hinges behind him

I'm gonna need your attention he exclaims.
Everyone in the bar hushes up.
I'm lookin' for a wanted man says the sheriff.
What's he look like sheriff? asks a patron standing at the bar.
The sheriff responds Well now, he's been seen wearing a brown paper shirt, brown paper pants, he also wears brown paper boots and has a brown paper hat. We're calling him the Brown Paper Cowboy.
There's a quiet murmur throughout the bar, until finally someone asks What's he wanted for sheriff?
Sheriff replies Rustling

A man and his boss are playing golf...

one weekend when a f**... procession goes past. The man takes off his hat and stands silently with eyes downcast. He doesn't move until the procession is out of sight. The man's boss, an elderly gentleman, approves. "You don't often see respect like that much among you young folk these days" he says as they resume their game.
"Well, I thought it was only right." Replies the man. "After all, we'd been married for ten years."

Two guys out playing golf. One is about to take his shot when he sees a f**... procession go by.

He stops, takes his hat off and bows his head until the procession passes. He puts his hat back on and gets ready to take his shot when his partner stops him and says, "Hang on. I just gotta say I've never seen anyone do that on the links before, that was really touching."
1st guy replies, "Well, you know. We were married for 20 years."

The Cure for the Common Cold

It's called "The Whiskey and a Hat Trick"
All you need is a bottle of whiskey and a hat.
First, sit on your bed. Place the hat at the foot of the bed. Proceed to drink whiskey until you see two hats, then go to sleep.
If you do this your cold will be gone in just 7 days.
If you don't, it'll last a whole week.

Sing to the tune of "Yankee Doodle"...

Helen Keller went to town,
A-ridin' on a pony,
Stuck a feather in her hat
and called it "Hunngunnggunufffungg"

What's the difference between United Airlines and a magician's hat?

You can't pull a live rabbit out of a United jet.

A state trooper pulls over a elderly lady

The state trooper approaches the car, and asks the elderly lady if she knows why he pulled her over. The elderly lady said of course i do, you wanted to give me a personal invitation to the state troopers ball the state trooper replied uh ma'am. State troopers dont have b**.... He stood there for a second, tipped his hat, and walked back to his car.

Oldie but a Goodie

Two guys were out fishing on the lake when a hearse and f**... procession passed the boat on a nearby road. One of them stood up and held his fishing hat over his heart as the hearse passed. His buddy commented, "Gee, Harry, that was really nice and respectful!"
To which Harry replied, "Well, after all we were married 40 years."

Two men are fishing from a bridge...

When one man notices a f**... procession. He quietly sets down his fishing rod, takes of his hat and bows his head. When the procession is out of sight he picks up his pole and continues fishing. The other man turns to him and says, "wow. I never knew you had a feely side in you" to which the first man replies, "it's the least I could've done, afterall, we have been married for forty years."

At the drop of a hat

I recently had s**... with my woman for the first time, and apparently she was impressed. She said, "You last so much longer than the last guy I was with! He would come at the drop of a hat!" I just smiled and said thanks but all I could think was "That's a really weird f**...."

A bra was talking to a hat. The bra said "You go on ahead...

I've gotta give these two a lift."

Cop: seen anything unusual?

Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water

A Londoner is walking his dog...

...When he passes a policeman. As he walks past, the dog leaps up and bites the copper's hat off, and tears it to pieces.
"Oi!" the policeman says, "You gonna let your dog get away with that?!"
"Ah, he's just a bleedin' dog! Leave it out!" the Londoner replies.
"I don't like your attitude!" the policeman says.
"It wasn't my 'at he chewed, it was YOUR 'at he chewed!"

Walking in the woods, I encountered a n**... man wearing a fine silk hat.

"Excuse me, sir, but why are you n**...?"
"Well, why not? No one ever comes back here."
"Well in that case, sir, why the silk hat?"
"Well, you never know. Somebody might."

Old lady on a cruise...

The old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said: Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?
Yes, I know, said the lady, I need both hands to hold onto this hat. But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed! said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!

I hear that soon Reddit will require all redditors to don a cowboy hat / boots, and dance a j**... in order to log in…

I'm not a big fan of Two-Step Authentication.

What did the bra say to the hat?

I got these two!! You go on ahead!

a**... of police powers.

A cowboy walks into a saloon wearing paper bag boots, paper bag pants, a paper bag shirt and a paper hat.
The local sheriff pulls out his gun and says " I'm arresting you."
And the cowboy says "What for?"
The sheriff replies "RUSTLING!"

jokes about hat