Hardware Store Jokes
113 hardware store jokes and hilarious hardware store puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about hardware store that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Hardware Store Short Jokes
Short hardware store jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The hardware store humour may include short target store jokes also.
- I walk into a hardware store.. "Any two-watt bulbs?"
"For what?"
"That'll do. I'll take two."
"Two what?"
"I thought you didn't have any. "
"Any what?"
"Yes please." - Went to the hardware store today... I picked up a can of insecticide and asked the guy behind the counter if this was good for ants.
Old man says "nope, it'll kill em" - A man walked into a hardware store and picked up a can of fly spray "Is this good for wasps?" he asked the assistant.
"No, it kills them." - A man walked into a hardware store and picked up a can of fly spray. "Is this good for wasps?" he asks the assistant.
To which she replies "No, it kills them." - A man walks into a hardware store and speaks to the cashier... Got any 2 watt bulbs?
For what?
That'll do I'll take two.
Two what?
I thought you didn't have any.
Any what?
Ok then! - I was at the hardware store, and an employee asked me if I wanted a ladder or a hammer. When I said I wanted the latter, I was surprised when the employee brought me a ladder
- U2 are one of Ireland's most successful bands. Or according to their tax returns, one of netherlands' least successful hardware store owners.
- A walks into a hardware store to get some nails He asks the clerk for some nails and the clerk says "ok sure, how long do you want them?" and the customer says "well I'd like to keep them." : )
- I had a big wasps nest under the eve of my roof so I went to the hardware store to find some wasp spray. I found a can and asked a worker if this was good for wasps? He says No, it kills them.
- How many DIY buffs does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but it takes two weeks and four trips to the hardware store.
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Hardware Store One Liners
Which hardware store one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with hardware store? I can suggest the ones about home depot and drug store.
- I found a shop that sells clothing made of brick. It's a hardware store.
- What hardware store would you yell out if you took a shot to the nuts? Ow! Menards!!
- A Lil Yachty concert is like a hardware store. All you see are a bunch of tools.
- What did the frog get at the hardware store? Some ribbits.
- Wich item asks the most questions in a hardware store? The 60 watt bulb
- What does a hardware store and a deadbeat dad have in common? Screws, nuts, and bolts.
- What was Bon Jovi buying at the hardware store? Signs that read "slippery when wet."
- Hey baby you like hardware stores? Because I'd like to show you menards.
- My local hardware store had a sale on all its alloys, so I purchased one It was a steel
- Why does Jesus avoid the hardware store? PTSD
- I went into my local hardware store...
- How is a one night stand like hardware store? They both involve screws, nuts, and bolts.
- Your momma is like a hardware store: 10 cents a screw.
- Your man is like the 3rd aisle at the hardware store, He just nuts and bolts.
- I pushed an Asian man into a shelf at the hardware store. It was Wong on so many levels.
Amusing & Witty Hardware Store Jokes for Laughter-Filled Fun
What funny jokes about hardware store you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean grocery store jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make hardware store pranks.
Q: Why did the bodybuilder buy tape from the hardware store?
A: Somebody told him he was ripped!
A 21-year-old is hired by a hardware store.
He shows up for his first day of work at 8 AM sharp.
The boss welcomes him, then hands him a broom.
"First, sweep out the store. Then I'll show you where the window cleaning equipment is."
"Sir," the young man protests. "You can't be serious. I'm a college graduate."
"Oh, sorry," says the manager, pointing to the broom. "No problem. I can show you how that thing works."
When Miley Cyrus gets n**... & licks a hammer it's "art" & "music". But when I do it, I'm "drunk" and "have to leave the hardware store".
The hardware store was having a sale on batteries the other day.
If you bought a battery charger, they'd give you a battery, free of charge!
A Polish Joke
A man walks up to a counter and says to the clerk, "Sir, give me your finest polish sausage!"
The man looks back at him confused. He then asks, "Sir, are you by any chance Polish?"
The first man looks back at him shocked and appalled. "How dare you assume I'm polish just because I asked for polish sausage! If I had asked for a taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? If I had asked for spaghetti, would you have assumed I was Italian? I can't believe you would assume something like that!"
The clerk looks back at him and says, "No sir, I assumed you were Polish because this is a hardware store."
Goldberg opens a hardware store.
To advertise, he rents a billboard, puts up a picture of Jesus nailed to the cross, with the caption: They used Goldberg's nails.
His son, upon seeing this, exclaims to his father, You can't use that! It will cause antisemitism!"
So Goldberg exchanges it for a picture of Jesus's body laying on the ground, hands bloodied, with the caption: They didn't use Goldberg's nails.
A guy is walking down the street and passes a hardware store...
...advertising a sale on a chain saw that is capable of cutting seven hundred trees is seven hours. The guy thinks this is a great deal and decides to buy one.
The next day, he comes back with the saw and complains to the salesman that the thing didn't even come close to cutting down the seven hundred trees the ad said it would.
"Well," said the salesman, "let's test it out back."
Finding a log, the salesman pulls the starter cord and the saw makes a great roaring sound.
"What's that noise?" asks the guy.
A man walks up to a counter and says . . .
A man walks up to a counter and says, "Gimme a kielbassi sandwich and a beer."
"Ah," says the person behind the counter. "You must be Polish."
The customer becomes irate. "Now, just a minute," he says, "I happen to take offense at that! Why are you assuming that just because I ordered a kielbassi sandwich and a beer I must be Polish?"
"Well-"
"If I ordered a plate of spaghetti, would you assume I'm Italian?"
"Well, no."
If I ordered corned beef and cabbage, would you assume I'm Irish?"
"No."
"Then why," said the customer, "are you assuming I'm Polish just because I ordered a kielbassi sandwich and a beer?"
"Well . . . this is a hardware store."
No matter how hard it tries, a pollack cannot pose as an Italian
A polish man moves to the USA; it is circa 1920. However, he's having a hard time getting started. Everywhere he goes to get a job he hears "no, we don't hire you dumb pollacks". He is saddened by these blatant stereotypes.
He sees that Italians are succeeding in the new world, and decides he is going to try to pose as an Italian. He spends weeks practicing his accent, learning the culture, and otherwise becoming an Italian.
Once he feels confident he goes into town with his newly adopted persona, and walks into a shop
He yells at the guy behind the counter in a thick italian accent "hey, get me a half pound of your best provolone and full pound of prosciutto"
The man immediately asks "Sir, are you a pollack?"
Disgruntled he goes "....uh, no no, give me my f**...' meat and cheese"
The man responds "Sir, this is a hardware store."
Got Any Grapes?
A duck walks into a hardware store and asks the man behind the counter:
"Got any grapes?"
The guy says "No, get it of here you crazy duck, I don't have any grapes."
The duck leaves and comes back the next day:
"Got any grapes?"
The guy says "No, I told you no grapes, we're a hardware store! Now get out of here."
The duck returns day after day.
"Got any grapes?"
"Got any grapes?"
"Got any grapes?"
The guy finally tells the duck "We don't have any grapes! If you ask for grapes again I'll nail your feet to the floor!"
The duck leaves, but returns the next day "Got any... Nails?"
"no"
"Got any grapes!?"
I got banned from the hardware store
Every time I walk in, all the stud finders start beeping.
A man walks into a hardware store
A man walks into a hardware store and asks the clerk for a faster way to cut down trees. "My axe isn't cutting it anymore, it's just too slow," he says.
The clerk looks around for a bit and comes back with a chainsaw. "Here, this might be what you want." The man says, "Oh yeah, I've heard of those! I'll take it!" So the clerk rings him up.
The man comes back the next day, holding the same chainsaw. "Hey, I think there's something wrong with the saw you sold me yesterday," he says. "I tried it out last night and it's even slower than my axe!"
The clerk takes it from him and looks it over. "Well, there doesn't seem to be anything wrong with it..." He pulls the starter cord and the chainsaw starts running.
The man jumps a bit and says, "Wait, what's that noise?"
Your mom's like a hardware store
Ten cents a screw.
Screw for a Hinge?
Bubba was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to the hardware store.
At the hardware store Mary saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Joe to finish waiting on a customer.
When Joe was finished, Mary asked, "How much for the teapot?"
Joe replied, "That's silver and it costs $100!"
"My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Mary exclaimed.
She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Bubba had sent her to buy, and Joe went to the backroom to find a hinge.
From the backroom Joe Bob yelled, "Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?'
To which Mary replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."
A Polish joke
A Polish man named Wojciech was fed up with being called a dumb p**... by every one he met. So one day he decided to pretend to be German. Wearing Liederhosen, knee socks and a feathered cap, he walked into a shop and told the man behind the counter:
"Hello my name is Rolf and I would like to buy some schnitzel, some saurbraten, some pretzels and some beer."
The counterman said "Get outta here you dumb p**...!".
Wojciech cried, "No no no! I am German! Don't you see my Liederhosen? Why do you think I am Polish?"
The counterman says "This is a hardware store."
Hardware Store
A friend of mine went to the hardware store to pick up a saw. When he found one that he needed he grabbed it from the shelf quickly, knocking a few other saws off the shelf with it. They fell on him and he unfortunately died.
I guess you could say he was taken by supplies.
A dog goes into a hardware store...
...and says: I'd like a job please . The hardware store owner says: We don't hire talking dogs, why don't you go join the circus? The dog replies: What would the circus want with a plumber .
-Steven Alan Green
A guy has a wasps nest in his garage
He goes to the hardware store and finds a can of spray that says it's for hornets, so he finds an employee just to check if it'll work on wasps.
"Excuse me, is this spray good for wasps?"
"No sir, it kills them."
Hardware store
So a woman goes into a hardware store to buy a hinge for a door.
She puts the hinge on the counter, and the guy says, "Excuse me lady, you wanna screw for that hinge?"
And she says, "No, but I'll blow you for that lawn mower."
What kind of cord does Albert Camus use?
And EXISTENSION CORD.
(Okay I know he denied being an existentialist because he was an absurdist but still - I made this joke up while working at a hardware store)
A duck walks into a hardware store...
He asks the clerk, "Do you got any grapes?"
The clerk looks at the duck confused and says "Well, no this is a hardware store."
The duck shrugs it off and leaves.
The next day the duck returns to the hardware store, looks around and asks the clerk, "Do you got any grapes?"
The clerk kind of irritated asks the duck to leave, as there are obviously no grapes being sold at a hardware store. Ever.
Lo and behold the following day the duck enters the same hardware store and asks the clerk "Do you have any grapes?"
The clerk, having had enough of this tells the duck, "If you ever set foot in this hardware store asking for grapes again, I'm going to staple your beak shut!"
The duck leaves, only to come walking right back in moments later and asks, "Do you have any staples?"
The clerk looks at the staples shelf, "Hmmm, sorry we are all out"
The duck looks at the clerk, "Do you have any grapes?"
I got kicked out of the hardware store today...
It's my dad's fault. He told me to buy a black and deck her.
A duck walks into a bar and asks "Got any grapes?"
Bartender says "What? Grapes? No, this is a bar, not a fruit store. Get out, duck"
Next day the duck comes back, "Got any grapes?"
Bartender says "d**... duck, I told you to get out. Quit coming here asking for grapes or I'm going to nail your beak to a barstool.
Next day the duck comes back, "Can I borrow a hammer?"
Bartender is furious, "What's with you duck? Does this look like a hardware store? It's a bar! I don't have any hammers here!"
Duck grins, "Good. Got any grapes?"
Man goes into a hardware store...
Says to the shopkeeper, "Can I have a roll of masking tape and some zip ties"
Shopkeeper smiles knowingly, "I'm sorry, thanks to the 50 Shades of Gray film we're out of stock"
The man winces and replies, "OK, just give me a chainsaw and some bin bags"
A young man was recently arrested for punching an African American women inside a local hardware store...
When the police asked why, he replied: My father asked me to go find him a Black and Decker.
Pinocchio and his girlfriend were having problems.
Every time they would have s**..., she would complain about splinters. Eventually, Pinocchio went to Gepetto for help.
Gepetto told Pinocchio to go to the hardware store and buy some sandpaper to sand off the splinters before he had s**... with his girlfriend.
A week later, Gepetto asked Pinocchio, "So how's it going with your girlfriend?"
"Who needs a girlfriend?," said Pinnochio.
Where do Knights get their armour?
The hardware store.
One I came up with when I was about 10.
A man walks into a hardware store
and asks the cashier, "Do you sell mousetraps here?" She replies, "Yes, sir, we do, but they're way in the back of the store. It'll take a while for me to get you one." The man replies, "Thank you. But please do hurry. I have to catch a bus." The cashier says back, "I'm terribly sorry, sir, but we don't have them that big."
They are opening a hardware store in Indiana where they will only employ people who have had a difficult childhood being raised in either domestic a**... or foster houses.
It will be called the Broken Home Depot.
My local hardware store was closed, so I travelled 2 hours for a wrench
Now I'm reaching new Lowe's.
They laughed at me at the hardware store
All I did was ask for some strong white caulk, that would not cause mold and that would last a long time.
We hired a teenage girl at my hardware store
I was showing her around the aisles when I picked up something off the shelf and pointed it at my self and made a beeping sound.
I said, "This is a stud-finder" and laughed.
She pulled up her sleeve, showed me her FitBit and made a beeping sound. She said, "This is a p**...-meter."
Here's one for you recent graduates.
A college grad decides to get a job at a hardware store for the summer. He shows up on his first day of work and his boss hands him a broom.
"Here, your first task is to sweep out all the aisles. After that, I'll show you where the rest of the cleaning supplies are."
The grad looks at the broom and says to his boss, "I don't think you understand, I'm a college graduate."
His boss replies, "Oh, no problem. I can show you how to use a broom."
What did the suicidal geometrist say when he went to his drug dealer's hardware store?
Hi p**... and noose please.
A woman walks into a hardware store and says, "I want to buy a hinge."
The clerk says, "Do you wanna screw for that hinge?"
The woman replies, "No thanks, but I'll blow you for a toaster."
There was a thief
He was stealing primary color paint from hardware stores.
He was caught red-handed
I hate looking for window treatment advice at the hardware store...
They always send me a blind guy.
A p**... walks into a hardware store...
... and tells the clerk, "I need some more hose."
Wife is mad at me..caught me peeing in the shower.
People at the hardware store were pretty mad too.
Why doesn't Home Depot sell many computer programs?
It's a **hardware** store.
An Englishman went into a hardware store and asked to buy a kitchen sink.
Would you like one with a plug?' asked the assistant.....'Don't tell me they've gone electric,' said the Englishman.¤
The Hardware Store
A woman goes into a hardware store and tells the the proprietor that she would like to buy a hinge. The proprietor asks her if she would like a screw to go along with the hinge. The woman responds: No thank you but I'll blow you for that toaster in the corner.
Customer at the hardware store deciding on a coat hanger
Floor worker: "Would you like a screw for that?"
Customer: "No thanks, I'll pay cash."
A man goes up to the counter to order a Polish sausage.
The cashier asks, Hey, are you polish?
The man then responds, You think I'm polish just because I ordered a Polish sausage? If I ordered a wiener schnitzel would you think I'm German? If I ordered sushi would you think I'm Japanese? If I ordered Pizza would you think I'm Italian?
The cashier responds, No, it's just that this is s hardware store.
What's the most popular hardware store in Germany?
r**...-ea
Fishing tickle
In the window of a hardware store was a sign inscribed 'Fishing Tickle.'
A customer drew the proprietor's attention to the spelling. 'Hasn't anyone told you of it before?' asked the customer.
'Oh, yes,' the proprietor responded placidly, 'many have mentioned it. But whenever they come in to tell me, they always buy something.'
Went to my local hardware store to buy a kettle
I said, would you sell me a kettle?
He said Kenwood?
I said great, what times he in?
A farmer walked into a hardware store
and while purchasing some tools was asked by the proprietor if he would like to buy a bicycle.
You won't have to keep a bicycle fed, said the storekeep, and you can ride around your farm on it. They're getting cheaper now, and I can let you have one for 35 dollars.
I'd rather put the 35 dollars into a cow, said the farmer.
Well, said the hardware man sarcastically, you'd look almighty foolish riding around your farm on a cow, now, wouldn't you?
No more foolish, I guess, said the farmer, than I would milking a bicycle.
[OC]A man walks into a hardware store
Man: Hello, I'm doing some work on my house exterior and need to get to the siding and onto the roof.
Employee: Well, we have a wide range of ladders that will do the trick. There's a 3-step ladder that will be perfect for the siding, and an extending ladder that will get you up on the roof. Do you want them both?
Man: I'll take the former now and the latter ladder later.
Two electrician friends meet at the hardware store after work
and chat about LED fixtures and other areas of illuminating rooms for a few hours. When the one electrician returns home to his wife that asks what took so long, he replies
"Me and my friend were just having a light conversation at the store."
A chappy was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge,
so he sent his wife Mary to the hardware store.
At the hardware store, while waiting her turn, Mary saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf .
When Joe was finished, Mary asked, "How much for the teapot?"
Joe replied, "That's silver and it costs $100!"
"My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Mary exclaimed.
She then proceeded to describe the hinge that she was sent to buy, and Joe went to the backroom to find a hinge.
From the backroom Joe yelled, "Mary, you wanna screw for the hinge?'
To which Mary replied, "Nope, but I definitely will for the teapot."
How do you motivate and electrician?
By telling him he conduit!
Came up with this one while working at a hardware store...
Why did Brian Christopher Lawler get thrown out of the hardware store?
He kicked the bucket.
How many dads does it take to change a bulb?
One to fetch the ladder, one to go back to the hardware store to get the right bulb, another to look up and say "yep", and the rest to just stand around, debating charcoal vs gas.
A man walks into a hardware store
So my grandpa just told this joke, it goes something like this:
A man walks into a hardware store looking for some nails, the shopkeeper walks up to him and asks how long do you want them mate? , the man responds nah I wanna keep em
Not sure if this has been posted before but I thought it was funny :)
One day the fence around a man's backyard broke down, so he searched for someone to help him fix his fence.
As he was at the hardware store looking to ask someone for help, a Buddhist monk came up to him and asked him what he needed.
My backyard fence broke down, so I'm looking for someone to help me fix it, the man replied.
The monk offered to help him for free. What an offer! The man couldn't turn him down.
So they went to the man's house to fix his fence. After they were done, the man asked him why he wanted to fix people's fences for free.
As the monk was about to answer, the whole fence came crashing down. The monk then exclaimed,
Argh! This is a shitpost!
A depressed person and a happy person walk into a hardware store, how can you tell the two apart?
The depressed one goes straight for the ropes while the happy one follows them with a camera and is wearing a green hat with three eyes on it.
A man walked into a hardware store and asked "how much is that thot".
"What?" asks the clerk.
The man pointed to the garden tools. "That h**... over there."
A c**... come to America looking for a job.
A local hardware store owner wants to prove he isn't racist so he hires him.
After he hires him, the business owner asks the c**... what skills the he has.
Nah much mister, mah Engrish nah bery Gud.
The business owner tells him to go work in the supplies department.
The business man goes out to lunch and when he gets back he asks if anyone seen the c**.... Everyone shrugs their shoulders but no one saw him leave.
Fearing the worst the look every for him.
The look high and low and all around the warehouse.
Then someone opens the broom closet, only to hear, Supplies!
I was looking for maroon spray paint but couldn't find it
True story:
Years ago I was looking for maroon spray paint but couldn't find it. I asked the hardware store employee if they had any. She'd never heard of maroon before.
You're making that up, she said.
I replied, Yeah, it's a pigment of my machinations.
In retrospect, I suppose if she'd never heard of an entire color, it would be too much to expect her to get the joke.
Three fathers were in the hospital waiting room for news about their new born children.
The nurse comes out and congratulates the first father for getting twins, the father is both happy over the news and also amazed that it's twins because he works at the "two hands hardware store".
After a while the nurse comes back out and congratulates the second father for getting triplets, he too is amazed because he works for "the three fathers of mining solutions".
After a while the nurse comes out to congratulate the third father but sees him standing in front of the open window, ready to jump out. She asks "what is his issue?". One of the fathers reply: "he works at seven eleven..."
