Hardware Jokes
132 hardware jokes and hilarious hardware puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about hardware that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Do you work in hardware engineering? Check out our collection of hilarious hardware jokes - bringing together jokes about hardware stores, computer hardware and software, and more! Get your daily dose of laughter, perfect for engineers, programmers, and anyone who loves hardware!
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Funniest Hardware Short Jokes
Short hardware jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The hardware humour may include short equipment jokes also.
- Why doesn't America parade its new military hardware and tanks down main street like other countries? Because they prefer to parade it down main street IN other countries.
- What is the difference between USA and USB? One connects to all of your devices and accesses the data, the other is a hardware standard.
- I walk into a hardware store.. "Any two-watt bulbs?"
"For what?"
"That'll do. I'll take two."
"Two what?"
"I thought you didn't have any. "
"Any what?"
"Yes please." - How many programmer does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. We don't address hardware issues.
- How many I.T. guys does it take to screw in a lightbulb? none. That's a hardware problem
but have you tried turning it on and off again? - Went to the hardware store today... I picked up a can of insecticide and asked the guy behind the counter if this was good for ants.
Old man says "nope, it'll kill em" - A man walked into a hardware store and picked up a can of fly spray "Is this good for wasps?" he asked the assistant.
"No, it kills them." - A man walks into a hardware store and speaks to the cashier... Got any 2 watt bulbs?
For what?
That'll do I'll take two.
Two what?
I thought you didn't have any.
Any what?
Ok then! - I was at the hardware store, and an employee asked me if I wanted a ladder or a hammer. When I said I wanted the latter, I was surprised when the employee brought me a ladder
- U2 are one of Ireland's most successful bands. Or according to their tax returns, one of netherlands' least successful hardware store owners.
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Hardware One Liners
Which hardware one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with hardware? I can suggest the ones about device and machine.
- How many programmers do you need to fix a light bulb? None, it is a hardware issue!
- I found a shop that sells clothing made of brick. It's a hardware store.
- Why couldn't Bill Gates get any girls? His hardware was Microsoft
- What's the best pickup line for a computer girl You turn my software into hardware
- What hardware store would you yell out if you took a shot to the nuts? Ow! Menards!!
- Why was the computer shy? Because it had hardware and software but no underware.
- A Lil Yachty concert is like a hardware store. All you see are a bunch of tools.
- What did the frog get at the hardware store? Some ribbits.
- Wich item asks the most questions in a hardware store? The 60 watt bulb
- There was a shooting at a computer hardware shop Police say it was a drive buy
- What does a hardware store and a deadbeat dad have in common? Screws, nuts, and bolts.
- What was Bon Jovi buying at the hardware store? Signs that read "slippery when wet."
- Hey baby you like hardware stores? Because I'd like to show you menards.
- My local hardware store had a sale on all its alloys, so I purchased one It was a steel
- What is the indian hardware engineer's favourite food? NAND bread
Hardware Store Jokes
Here is a list of funny hardware store jokes and even better hardware store puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A walks into a hardware store to get some nails He asks the clerk for some nails and the clerk says "ok sure, how long do you want them?" and the customer says "well I'd like to keep them." : )
- How many DIY buffs does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but it takes two weeks and four trips to the hardware store.
- Went to the hardware store today. I picked up a can of insecticide and asked the assistant if it was any good for ants.... "Nope" said the man, "it will kill them."
- I want to start a hardware store called Highs We'd be in direct competition with Lowe's.
- Wife is mad at me..caught me peeing in the shower. People at the hardware store were pretty mad too.
- I was in the garden section of the hardware store and some guy asked me if I wanted decking. Luckily I got the first punch in.
- I hate looking for window treatment advice at the hardware store... They always send me a blind guy.
- The hardware store was having a sale on batteries the other day. If you bought a battery charger, they'd give you a battery, free of charge!
- Went to my local hardware store to buy a kettle I said, would you sell me a kettle?
He said Kenwood?
I said great, what times he in? - An Englishman went into a hardware store and asked to buy a kitchen sink. Would you like one with a plug?' asked the assistant.....'Don't tell me they've gone electric,' said the Englishman.¤
Hardware Software Jokes
Here is a list of funny hardware software jokes and even better hardware software puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What is the best girlfriend for a computer geek? One that turns his software into hardware.
- There is a group of Amish engineers who created the hardware and software for a small self-driving horseless carriage. It's a little buggy.
- My 7yr old heard this... How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Zero, lightbulbs are hardware. - What's the difference between computers and people? With computers, you put the software into the hardware.
- What's the difference between a psychologist and a psychiatrist? One deals with software the other deals with hardware
- Light bulb classics. Light 'em up 1) How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
Does not compute. It's a hardware problem. - How do you turn software into hardware? Rub it.
- What's the difference between hardware and software? Hardware breaks if you*don't* maintain it.
Computer Hardware Jokes
Here is a list of funny computer hardware jokes and even better computer hardware puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A guys hits the brakes hard on a Maybach at the stop light. Behind him a Geo tries to stop but he can't make it and hits him in the back. On the Maybach's computer: New hardware detected. Install?
Cheeky Hardware Jokes to Experience Good Cheer & Frivolity
What funny jokes about hardware you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean computer jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make hardware pranks.
Q: Why did the bodybuilder buy tape from the hardware store?
A: Somebody told him he was ripped!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Are you a computer w**...? it seems you know how to turn my software to hardware.
Goldberg opens a hardware store.
To advertise, he rents a billboard, puts up a picture of Jesus nailed to the cross, with the caption: They used Goldberg's nails.
His son, upon seeing this, exclaims to his father, You can't use that! It will cause antisemitism!"
So Goldberg exchanges it for a picture of Jesus's body laying on the ground, hands bloodied, with the caption: They didn't use Goldberg's nails.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My favorite joke as a kid
A duck walks into a hardware store, goes up to the man attending the counter, and asks "Excuse me sir, do you sell any duck food here?" The man simply nods no and the duck leaves.
The next day, the duck returns to the same store. The same guy is behind the counter and once again, the duck asks "Excuse me sir, do you have any duck food today?" The man, perplexed, looks at the duck and says "This is a hardware store. We don't sell duck food. Go away." The duck leaves.
The duck returned to the same hardware store everyday for a week, same guy behind the counter each time. After the 9th visit, the guy gets really angry, looks at the duck and yells "LISTEN HERE YOU s**... DUCK! I DON'T SELL DUCK FOOD! NOT TODAY, OR EVER! IF YOU COME BACK IN HERE I'M GOING TO HIT YOU WITH A HAMMER!" The duck ran out of the store.
A couple of days passed. The duck peaks his head into the store, looks around, and then enters. He walks up to the guys and asks "Excuse me sir, I noticed that you were out of hammers in isle 5. Do you have any in back?" The guy looks at the duck and says "Sure don't. Sold out this morning." The duck looks around a says "Well if that's the case... Do you by chance have any duck food?"
A man walks up to a counter and says . . .
A man walks up to a counter and says, "Gimme a kielbassi sandwich and a beer."
"Ah," says the person behind the counter. "You must be Polish."
The customer becomes irate. "Now, just a minute," he says, "I happen to take offense at that! Why are you assuming that just because I ordered a kielbassi sandwich and a beer I must be Polish?"
"Well-"
"If I ordered a plate of spaghetti, would you assume I'm Italian?"
"Well, no."
If I ordered corned beef and cabbage, would you assume I'm Irish?"
"No."
"Then why," said the customer, "are you assuming I'm Polish just because I ordered a kielbassi sandwich and a beer?"
"Well . . . this is a hardware store."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
No matter how hard it tries, a pollack cannot pose as an Italian
A polish man moves to the USA; it is circa 1920. However, he's having a hard time getting started. Everywhere he goes to get a job he hears "no, we don't hire you dumb pollacks". He is saddened by these blatant stereotypes.
He sees that Italians are succeeding in the new world, and decides he is going to try to pose as an Italian. He spends weeks practicing his accent, learning the culture, and otherwise becoming an Italian.
Once he feels confident he goes into town with his newly adopted persona, and walks into a shop
He yells at the guy behind the counter in a thick italian accent "hey, get me a half pound of your best provolone and full pound of prosciutto"
The man immediately asks "Sir, are you a pollack?"
Disgruntled he goes "....uh, no no, give me my f**...' meat and cheese"
The man responds "Sir, this is a hardware store."
I got banned from the hardware store
Every time I walk in, all the stud finders start beeping.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Polish joke
A Polish man named Wojciech was fed up with being called a dumb p**... by every one he met. So one day he decided to pretend to be German. Wearing Liederhosen, knee socks and a feathered cap, he walked into a shop and told the man behind the counter:
"Hello my name is Rolf and I would like to buy some schnitzel, some saurbraten, some pretzels and some beer."
The counterman said "Get outta here you dumb p**...!".
Wojciech cried, "No no no! I am German! Don't you see my Liederhosen? Why do you think I am Polish?"
The counterman says "This is a hardware store."
Hardware Store
A friend of mine went to the hardware store to pick up a saw. When he found one that he needed he grabbed it from the shelf quickly, knocking a few other saws off the shelf with it. They fell on him and he unfortunately died.
I guess you could say he was taken by supplies.
A dog goes into a hardware store...
...and says: I'd like a job please . The hardware store owner says: We don't hire talking dogs, why don't you go join the circus? The dog replies: What would the circus want with a plumber .
-Steven Alan Green
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Hardware store
So a woman goes into a hardware store to buy a hinge for a door.
She puts the hinge on the counter, and the guy says, "Excuse me lady, you wanna screw for that hinge?"
And she says, "No, but I'll blow you for that lawn mower."
What kind of cord does Albert Camus use?
And EXISTENSION CORD.
(Okay I know he denied being an existentialist because he was an absurdist but still - I made this joke up while working at a hardware store)
I got kicked out of the hardware store today...
It's my dad's fault. He told me to buy a black and deck her.
Man goes into a hardware store...
Says to the shopkeeper, "Can I have a roll of masking tape and some zip ties"
Shopkeeper smiles knowingly, "I'm sorry, thanks to the 50 Shades of Gray film we're out of stock"
The man winces and replies, "OK, just give me a chainsaw and some bin bags"
A young man was recently arrested for punching an African American women inside a local hardware store...
When the police asked why, he replied: My father asked me to go find him a Black and Decker.
A man walks into a hardware store
and asks the cashier, "Do you sell mousetraps here?" She replies, "Yes, sir, we do, but they're way in the back of the store. It'll take a while for me to get you one." The man replies, "Thank you. But please do hurry. I have to catch a bus." The cashier says back, "I'm terribly sorry, sir, but we don't have them that big."
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They are opening a hardware store in Indiana where they will only employ people who have had a difficult childhood being raised in either domestic a**... or foster houses.
It will be called the Broken Home Depot.
My local hardware store was closed, so I travelled 2 hours for a wrench
Now I'm reaching new Lowe's.
They laughed at me at the hardware store
All I did was ask for some strong white caulk, that would not cause mold and that would last a long time.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
We hired a teenage girl at my hardware store
I was showing her around the aisles when I picked up something off the shelf and pointed it at my self and made a beeping sound.
I said, "This is a stud-finder" and laughed.
She pulled up her sleeve, showed me her FitBit and made a beeping sound. She said, "This is a p**...-meter."
Here's one for you recent graduates.
A college grad decides to get a job at a hardware store for the summer. He shows up on his first day of work and his boss hands him a broom.
"Here, your first task is to sweep out all the aisles. After that, I'll show you where the rest of the cleaning supplies are."
The grad looks at the broom and says to his boss, "I don't think you understand, I'm a college graduate."
His boss replies, "Oh, no problem. I can show you how to use a broom."
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What did the suicidal geometrist say when he went to his drug dealer's hardware store?
Hi p**... and noose please.
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Apparently the iPhone 7 has console-like graphics.
g**..., when are they going to start to put good hardware in these phone.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman walks into a hardware store and says, "I want to buy a hinge."
The clerk says, "Do you wanna screw for that hinge?"
The woman replies, "No thanks, but I'll blow you for a toaster."
There was a thief
He was stealing primary color paint from hardware stores.
He was caught red-handed
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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A p**... walks into a hardware store...
... and tells the clerk, "I need some more hose."
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Why doesn't Home Depot sell many computer programs?
It's a **hardware** store.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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Why doesn't McDonald's sell snails, Home Depot sell software, or Comcast sell s**...?
McDonald's is a fast food restaurant.
Home Depot sells hardware.
Comcast doesn't charge extra to screw you.
What is the difference betweeen the USA and a USB
One records and reads all of your personal data, and the other is a hardware standard.
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The Hardware Store
A woman goes into a hardware store and tells the the proprietor that she would like to buy a hinge. The proprietor asks her if she would like a screw to go along with the hinge. The woman responds: No thank you but I'll blow you for that toaster in the corner.
Customer at the hardware store deciding on a coat hanger
Floor worker: "Would you like a screw for that?"
Customer: "No thanks, I'll pay cash."
I went into my local hardware store...
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What's the most popular hardware store in Germany?
r**...-ea
Fishing tickle
In the window of a hardware store was a sign inscribed 'Fishing Tickle.'
A customer drew the proprietor's attention to the spelling. 'Hasn't anyone told you of it before?' asked the customer.
'Oh, yes,' the proprietor responded placidly, 'many have mentioned it. But whenever they come in to tell me, they always buy something.'
A farmer walked into a hardware store
and while purchasing some tools was asked by the proprietor if he would like to buy a bicycle.
You won't have to keep a bicycle fed, said the storekeep, and you can ride around your farm on it. They're getting cheaper now, and I can let you have one for 35 dollars.
I'd rather put the 35 dollars into a cow, said the farmer.
Well, said the hardware man sarcastically, you'd look almighty foolish riding around your farm on a cow, now, wouldn't you?
No more foolish, I guess, said the farmer, than I would milking a bicycle.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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What do you call it when an insect has a hardware f**...?
A butterfly nut.
[OC]A man walks into a hardware store
Man: Hello, I'm doing some work on my house exterior and need to get to the siding and onto the roof.
Employee: Well, we have a wide range of ladders that will do the trick. There's a 3-step ladder that will be perfect for the siding, and an extending ladder that will get you up on the roof. Do you want them both?
Man: I'll take the former now and the latter ladder later.
I took my old computer to a computer repair shop
I asked the shop owner "My computer is too slow. What can I do ?"
Shop owner inspected the computer and said "It needs some hardware acceleration"
Me: How much acceleration would it need ?
Shop owner: 9.8 meter per second squared.
Two electrician friends meet at the hardware store after work
and chat about LED fixtures and other areas of illuminating rooms for a few hours. When the one electrician returns home to his wife that asks what took so long, he replies
"Me and my friend were just having a light conversation at the store."
How do you motivate and electrician?
By telling him he conduit!
Came up with this one while working at a hardware store...
The horse goes into the hardware shop...
The horse goes into the hardware shop.
Horse: I would like to have a pound of bread!
Clerk: sorry but we have only pink.
Horse: no problem I came with bike.
Why did Brian Christopher Lawler get thrown out of the hardware store?
He kicked the bucket.
A man walks into a hardware store
So my grandpa just told this joke, it goes something like this:
A man walks into a hardware store looking for some nails, the shopkeeper walks up to him and asks how long do you want them mate? , the man responds nah I wanna keep em
Not sure if this has been posted before but I thought it was funny :)
Why does Jesus avoid the hardware store?
PTSD
Why does Data the android cost Starfleet so much money?
Because Data is enterprise hardware.
One day the fence around a man's backyard broke down, so he searched for someone to help him fix his fence.
As he was at the hardware store looking to ask someone for help, a Buddhist monk came up to him and asked him what he needed.
My backyard fence broke down, so I'm looking for someone to help me fix it, the man replied.
The monk offered to help him for free. What an offer! The man couldn't turn him down.
So they went to the man's house to fix his fence. After they were done, the man asked him why he wanted to fix people's fences for free.
As the monk was about to answer, the whole fence came crashing down. The monk then exclaimed,
Argh! This is a shitpost!
A depressed person and a happy person walk into a hardware store, how can you tell the two apart?
The depressed one goes straight for the ropes while the happy one follows them with a camera and is wearing a green hat with three eyes on it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man walked into a hardware store and asked "how much is that thot".
"What?" asks the clerk.
The man pointed to the garden tools. "That h**... over there."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
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A c**... come to America looking for a job.
A local hardware store owner wants to prove he isn't racist so he hires him.
After he hires him, the business owner asks the c**... what skills the he has.
Nah much mister, mah Engrish nah bery Gud.
The business owner tells him to go work in the supplies department.
The business man goes out to lunch and when he gets back he asks if anyone seen the c**.... Everyone shrugs their shoulders but no one saw him leave.
Fearing the worst the look every for him.
The look high and low and all around the warehouse.
Then someone opens the broom closet, only to hear, Supplies!
I was looking for maroon spray paint but couldn't find it
True story:
Years ago I was looking for maroon spray paint but couldn't find it. I asked the hardware store employee if they had any. She'd never heard of maroon before.
You're making that up, she said.
I replied, Yeah, it's a pigment of my machinations.
In retrospect, I suppose if she'd never heard of an entire color, it would be too much to expect her to get the joke.
