The Best 55 Hardware Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Hardware jokes. There are some hardware specs jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these hardware hardware store puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 of the Funniest Hardware Jokes and Puns
Goldberg opens a hardware store.
To advertise, he rents a billboard, puts up a picture of Jesus nailed to the cross, with the caption: They used Goldberg's nails.
His son, upon seeing this, exclaims to his father, You can't use that! It will cause antisemitism!"
So Goldberg exchanges it for a picture of Jesus's body laying on the ground, hands bloodied, with the caption: They didn't use Goldberg's nails.
A man walks up to a counter and says . . .
A man walks up to a counter and says, "Gimme a kielbassi sandwich and a beer."
"Ah," says the person behind the counter. "You must be Polish."
The customer becomes irate. "Now, just a minute," he says, "I happen to take offense at that! Why are you assuming that just because I ordered a kielbassi sandwich and a beer I must be Polish?"
"Well-"
"If I ordered a plate of spaghetti, would you assume I'm Italian?"
"Well, no."
If I ordered corned beef and cabbage, would you assume I'm Irish?"
"No."
"Then why," said the customer, "are you assuming I'm Polish just because I ordered a kielbassi sandwich and a beer?"
"Well . . . this is a hardware store."
How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, it's a hardware problem!
U2 are one of Ireland's most successful bands.
Or according to their tax returns, one of Netherlands' least successful hardware store owners.
How many programmers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. We don't address hardware issues.
A dog goes into a hardware store...
...and says: I'd like a job please . The hardware store owner says: We don't hire talking dogs, why don't you go join the circus? The dog replies: What would the circus want with a plumber .
-Steven Alan Green
A guy has a wasps nest in his garage
He goes to the hardware store and finds a can of spray that says it's for hornets, so he finds an employee just to check if it'll work on wasps.
"Excuse me, is this spray good for wasps?"
"No sir, it kills them."
How many developers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. That's a hardware problem.
Hardware store
So a woman goes into a hardware store to buy a hinge for a door.
She puts the hinge on the counter, and the guy says, "Excuse me lady, you wanna screw for that hinge?"
And she says, "No, but I'll blow you for that lawn mower."
How many programmers do you need to fix a light bulb?
None, it is a hardware issue!
Went to the hardware store today...
I picked up a can of insecticide and asked the guy behind the counter if this was good for ants.
Old man says "nope, it'll kill em"
You can explore hardware programmers reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean hardware repair dad jokes. There are also hardware puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Pinocchio and his girlfriend were having problems.
Every time they would have sex, she would complain about splinters. Eventually, Pinocchio went to Gepetto for help.
Gepetto told Pinocchio to go to the hardware store and buy some sandpaper to sand off the splinters before he had sex with his girlfriend.
A week later, Gepetto asked Pinocchio, "So how's it going with your girlfriend?"
"Who needs a girlfriend?," said Pinnochio.
How many I.T. guys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
none. That's a hardware problem
but have you tried turning it on and off again?
They are opening a hardware store in Indiana where they will only employ people who have had a difficult childhood being raised in either domestic abuse or foster houses.
It will be called the Broken Home Depot.
What is the difference between USA and USB?
One connects to all of your devices and accesses the data, the other is a hardware standard.
We hired a teenage girl at my hardware store
I was showing her around the aisles when I picked up something off the shelf and pointed it at my self and made a beeping sound.
I said, "This is a stud-finder" and laughed.
She pulled up her sleeve, showed me her FitBit and made a beeping sound. She said, "This is a pedo-meter."
How many software developers does it take to fix a light bulb?
none, its a hardware issue.
Here's one for you recent graduates.
A college grad decides to get a job at a hardware store for the summer. He shows up on his first day of work and his boss hands him a broom.
"Here, your first task is to sweep out all the aisles. After that, I'll show you where the rest of the cleaning supplies are."
The grad looks at the broom and says to his boss, "I don't think you understand, I'm a college graduate."
His boss replies, "Oh, no problem. I can show you how to use a broom."
Why couldn't Bill Gates get any girls?
His hardware was Microsoft
I found a shop that sells clothing made of brick.
It's a hardware store.
A woman walks into a hardware store and says, "I want to buy a hinge."
The clerk says, "Do you wanna screw for that hinge?"
The woman replies, "No thanks, but I'll blow you for a toaster."
I walk into a hardware store..
"Any two-watt bulbs?"
"For what?"
"That'll do. I'll take two."
"Two what?"
"I thought you didn't have any. "
"Any what?"
"Yes please."
I hate looking for window treatment advice at the hardware store...
They always send me a blind guy.
How many software developers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
I'm sorry, that appears to be a hardware problem.
Wife is mad at me..caught me peeing in the shower.
People at the hardware store were pretty mad too.
What is the difference betweeen the USA and a USB
One records and reads all of your personal data, and the other is a hardware standard.
I was at the hardware store, and an employee asked me if I wanted a ladder or a hammer.
When I said I wanted the latter, I was surprised when the employee brought me a ladder
A man goes up to the counter to order a Polish sausage.
The cashier asks, Hey, are you polish?
The man then responds, You think I'm polish just because I ordered a Polish sausage? If I ordered a wiener schnitzel would you think I'm German? If I ordered sushi would you think I'm Japanese? If I ordered Pizza would you think I'm Italian?
The cashier responds, No, it's just that this is s hardware store.
[OC]A man walks into a hardware store
Man: Hello, I'm doing some work on my house exterior and need to get to the siding and onto the roof.
Employee: Well, we have a wide range of ladders that will do the trick. There's a 3-step ladder that will be perfect for the siding, and an extending ladder that will get you up on the roof. Do you want them both?
Man: I'll take the former now and the latter ladder later.
I took my old computer to a computer repair shop
I asked the shop owner "My computer is too slow. What can I do ?"
Shop owner inspected the computer and said "It needs some hardware acceleration"
Me: How much acceleration would it need ?
Shop owner: 9.8 meter per second squared.
A walks into a hardware store to get some nails
He asks the clerk for some nails and the clerk says "ok sure, how long do you want them?" and the customer says "well I'd like to keep them." : )
Two electrician friends meet at the hardware store after work
and chat about LED fixtures and other areas of illuminating rooms for a few hours. When the one electrician returns home to his wife that asks what took so long, he replies
"Me and my friend were just having a light conversation at the store."
My 7yr old heard this...
How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Zero, lightbulbs are hardware.
The horse goes into the hardware shop...
The horse goes into the hardware shop.
Horse: I would like to have a pound of bread!
Clerk: sorry but we have only pink.
Horse: no problem I came with bike.
How many dads does it take to change a bulb?
One to fetch the ladder, one to go back to the hardware store to get the right bulb, another to look up and say "yep", and the rest to just stand around, debating charcoal vs gas.
A man walks into a hardware store
So my grandpa just told this joke, it goes something like this:
A man walks into a hardware store looking for some nails, the shopkeeper walks up to him and asks how long do you want them mate? , the man responds nah I wanna keep em
Not sure if this has been posted before but I thought it was funny :)
A man walked into a hardware store and picked up a can of fly spray
"Is this good for wasps?" he asked the assistant.
"No, it kills them."
I was in the garden section of the hardware store and some guy asked me if I wanted decking.
Luckily I got the first punch in.
What is the best girlfriend for a computer geek?
One that turns his software into hardware.
A man walks into a hardware store and speaks to the cashier...
Got any 2 watt bulbs?
For what?
That'll do I'll take two.
Two what?
I thought you didn't have any.
Any what?
Ok then!
I had a big wasps nest under the eve of my roof so I went to the hardware store to find some wasp spray. I found a can and asked a worker if this was good for wasps?
He says No, it kills them.
Went to the hardware store today. I picked up a can of insecticide and asked the assistant if it was any good for ants....
"Nope" said the man, "it will kill them."
A man walks into a tiny hardware store
looking for something to rid of a wasp problem. After 10 mins of walking around the store all he can find is ant spray. So he goes up to the counter and asks the clerk, Is this any good for wasps? Without a word, the clerk takes the can from his hands, reads the back for ingredients. No. he replied, That'll kill them.
A guy at the hardware store tried to sell me a 50ft spool of rope for $2, but I refused.
I hate long good buys.
How many software developers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Zero, thats a hardware issue.
What's the best pickup line for a computer girl
You turn my software into hardware
A man walks into a hardware store and speaks to the cashier...
"Have you any two watt bulbs?"
"For what?"
"That'll do, I'll take two."
"Two what?"
"I thought you didn't have any."
"Any what?"
"Yes please!"
A man walked into a hardware store and picked up a can of fly spray.
"Is this good for wasps?" he asks the assistant.
To which she replies "No, it kills them."
Polish guy goes into a store
"I'd like a pound of Kielbasa"
Clerk: you must be a Polack
Pole: why do you say that? If I asked for bratwurst, would you call me a Kraut?
Clerk: No
Pole: If I asked for Italian Sausage, would you call me a Dago?
Clerk: No
Pole: then why are you calling me a Polack when I ask for kielbasa?
Clerk: this is a hardware store
There is a group of Amish engineers who created the hardware and software for a small self-driving horseless carriage.
It's a little buggy.
A guy walks into a store and says to the clerk, I'd like a pound of kielbasa please.
The clerk looks at him, squints his eyes, and says, You're Polish, aren't cha?
The man looks surprised and says, Now how did you know that? Was it because I asked for the national meat of Poland? Or did something else give it away?
The clerk replies, It's because this is a hardware store.
How many computer programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None, it's a hardware problem.
How many DIY buffs does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but it takes two weeks and four trips to the hardware store.
Apple has announced new hardware that mounts directly to your forehead and lets you surf the internet using augmented reality glasses.
It's called the iBrowser
I want to start a hardware store called Highs
We'd be in direct competition with Lowe's.
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the hardware dev jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working hardware computer hardware piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.