Hardware Jokes

Following is our collection of funnies and chistes working better than reddit. They include Hardware puns, dirty or clean gags suitable for kids, that are actually fun like the best witze.

The Best jokes about Hardware

What is the difference between USA and USB?

One connects to all of your devices and accesses the data, the other is a hardware standard.

I walk into a hardware store..

"Any two-watt bulbs?"

"For what?"

"That'll do. I'll take two."

"Two what?"

"I thought you didn't have any. "

"Any what?"

"Yes please."

How many programmers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. We don't address hardware issues.

How many I.T. guys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

none. That's a hardware problem

but have you tried turning it on and off again?

Went to the hardware store today...

I picked up a can of insecticide and asked the guy behind the counter if this was good for ants.

Old man says "nope, it'll kill em"

A man walked into a hardware store and picked up a can of fly spray

"Is this good for wasps?" he asked the assistant.

"No, it kills them."

How many developers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. That's a hardware problem.

Here's one for you recent graduates.

A college grad decides to get a job at a hardware store for the summer. He shows up on his first day of work and his boss hands him a broom.

"Here, your first task is to sweep out all the aisles. After that, I'll show you where the rest of the cleaning supplies are."

The grad looks at the broom and says to his boss, "I don't think you understand, I'm a college graduate."

His boss replies, "Oh, no problem. I can show you how to use a broom."

Pinocchio and his girlfriend were having problems.

Every time they would have sex, she would complain about splinters. Eventually, Pinocchio went to Gepetto for help.

Gepetto told Pinocchio to go to the hardware store and buy some sandpaper to sand off the splinters before he had sex with his girlfriend.

A week later, Gepetto asked Pinocchio, "So how's it going with your girlfriend?"

"Who needs a girlfriend?," said Pinnochio.

How many programmers do you need to fix a light bulb?

None, it is a hardware issue!

A man walks into a hardware store and speaks to the cashier...

Got any 2 watt bulbs?

For what?

That'll do I'll take two.

Two what?

I thought you didn't have any.

Any what?

Ok then!

A man walks into a hardware store

So my grandpa just told this joke, it goes something like this:

A man walks into a hardware store looking for some nails, the shopkeeper walks up to him and asks how long do you want them mate? , the man responds nah I wanna keep em

Not sure if this has been posted before but I thought it was funny :)

I was at the hardware store, and an employee asked me if I wanted a ladder or a hammer.

When I said I wanted the latter, I was surprised when the employee brought me a ladder

A dog goes into a hardware store...

...and says: I'd like a job please . The hardware store owner says: We don't hire talking dogs, why don't you go join the circus? The dog replies: What would the circus want with a plumber .

-Steven Alan Green

How many software developers does it take to fix a light bulb?

none, its a hardware issue.

How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, it's a hardware problem!

Hardware store

So a woman goes into a hardware store to buy a hinge for a door.

She puts the hinge on the counter, and the guy says, "Excuse me lady, you wanna screw for that hinge?"

And she says, "No, but I'll blow you for that lawn mower."

A man walks up to a counter and says . . .

A man walks up to a counter and says, "Gimme a kielbassi sandwich and a beer."
"Ah," says the person behind the counter. "You must be Polish."
The customer becomes irate. "Now, just a minute," he says, "I happen to take offense at that! Why are you assuming that just because I ordered a kielbassi sandwich and a beer I must be Polish?"
"Well-"
"If I ordered a plate of spaghetti, would you assume I'm Italian?"
"Well, no."
If I ordered corned beef and cabbage, would you assume I'm Irish?"
"No."
"Then why," said the customer, "are you assuming I'm Polish just because I ordered a kielbassi sandwich and a beer?"
"Well . . . this is a hardware store."

Goldberg opens a hardware store.

To advertise, he rents a billboard, puts up a picture of Jesus nailed to the cross, with the caption: They used Goldberg's nails.

His son, upon seeing this, exclaims to his father, You can't use that! It will cause antisemitism!"

So Goldberg exchanges it for a picture of Jesus's body laying on the ground, hands bloodied, with the caption: They didn't use Goldberg's nails.

[OC]A man walks into a hardware store

Man: Hello, I'm doing some work on my house exterior and need to get to the siding and onto the roof.

Employee: Well, we have a wide range of ladders that will do the trick. There's a 3-step ladder that will be perfect for the siding, and an extending ladder that will get you up on the roof. Do you want them both?

Man: I'll take the former now and the latter ladder later.

U2 are one of Ireland's most successful bands.

Or according to their tax returns, one of Netherlands' least successful hardware store owners.

What is the best girlfriend for a computer geek?

One that turns his software into hardware.

Screw for a Hinge?

Bubba was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to the hardware store.

At the hardware store Mary saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Joe to finish waiting on a customer.

When Joe was finished, Mary asked, "How much for the teapot?"

Joe replied, "That's silver and it costs $100!"

"My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Mary exclaimed.

She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Bubba had sent her to buy, and Joe went to the backroom to find a hinge.

From the backroom Joe Bob yelled, "Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?'

To which Mary replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."

A guy is walking down the street and passes a hardware store...

...advertising a sale on a chain saw that is capable of cutting seven hundred trees is seven hours. The guy thinks this is a great deal and decides to buy one.

The next day, he comes back with the saw and complains to the salesman that the thing didn't even come close to cutting down the seven hundred trees the ad said it would.

"Well," said the salesman, "let's test it out back."

Finding a log, the salesman pulls the starter cord and the saw makes a great roaring sound.

"What's that noise?" asks the guy.

A walks into a hardware store to get some nails

He asks the clerk for some nails and the clerk says "ok sure, how long do you want them?" and the customer says "well I'd like to keep them." : )

Three fathers were in the hospital waiting room for news about their new born children.

The nurse comes out and congratulates the first father for getting twins, the father is both happy over the news and also amazed that it's twins because he works at the "two hands hardware store".

After a while the nurse comes back out and congratulates the second father for getting triplets, he too is amazed because he works for "the three fathers of mining solutions".

After a while the nurse comes out to congratulate the third father but sees him standing in front of the open window, ready to jump out. She asks "what is his issue?". One of the fathers reply: "he works at seven eleven..."

A Polish Joke

A man walks up to a counter and says to the clerk, "Sir, give me your finest polish sausage!"

The man looks back at him confused. He then asks, "Sir, are you by any chance Polish?"

The first man looks back at him shocked and appalled. "How dare you assume I'm polish just because I asked for polish sausage! If I had asked for a taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? If I had asked for spaghetti, would you have assumed I was Italian? I can't believe you would assume something like that!"

The clerk looks back at him and says, "No sir, I assumed you were Polish because this is a hardware store."

I took my old computer to a computer repair shop

I asked the shop owner "My computer is too slow. What can I do ?"

Shop owner inspected the computer and said "It needs some hardware acceleration"

Me: How much acceleration would it need ?

Shop owner: 9.8 meter per second squared.

A guy has a wasps nest in his garage

He goes to the hardware store and finds a can of spray that says it's for hornets, so he finds an employee just to check if it'll work on wasps.

"Excuse me, is this spray good for wasps?"

"No sir, it kills them."

A chappy was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge,

so he sent his wife Mary to the hardware store.

At the hardware store, while waiting her turn, Mary saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf .

When Joe was finished, Mary asked, "How much for the teapot?"

Joe replied, "That's silver and it costs $100!"

"My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Mary exclaimed.

She then proceeded to describe the hinge that she was sent to buy, and Joe went to the backroom to find a hinge.

From the backroom Joe yelled, "Mary, you wanna screw for the hinge?'

To which Mary replied, "Nope, but I definitely will for the teapot."

An elderly lady goes to the local hardware store

An elderly lady goes to the local hardware store and approaches the young salesman on duty.

Her: I'd like to buy a trap to deal with a vermin problem I've been having

Him: Well, many of our customers like to go for a trap, some of them even go as far as to spend the extra penny for a no-kill trap. Would you like me to go outback and bring out a selection to show you?

Her: Yes yes, but be quick about it, I've a bus to catch!



Him: I'm sorry to inform you ma'am, but we don't sell traps quite THAT large!

What is the difference betweeen the USA and a USB

One records and reads all of your personal data, and the other is a hardware standard.

How many dads does it take to change a bulb?

One to fetch the ladder, one to go back to the hardware store to get the right bulb, another to look up and say "yep", and the rest to just stand around, debating charcoal vs gas.

I found a shop that sells clothing made of brick.

It's a hardware store.

Why couldn't Bill Gates get any girls?

His hardware was Microsoft

A duck walks into a bar and asks "Got any grapes?"

Bartender says "What? Grapes? No, this is a bar, not a fruit store. Get out, duck"

Next day the duck comes back, "Got any grapes?"
Bartender says "Dammit duck, I told you to get out. Quit coming here asking for grapes or I'm going to nail your beak to a barstool.

Next day the duck comes back, "Can I borrow a hammer?"
Bartender is furious, "What's with you duck? Does this look like a hardware store? It's a bar! I don't have any hammers here!"

Duck grins, "Good. Got any grapes?"

We hired a teenage girl at my hardware store

I was showing her around the aisles when I picked up something off the shelf and pointed it at my self and made a beeping sound.

I said, "This is a stud-finder" and laughed.

She pulled up her sleeve, showed me her FitBit and made a beeping sound. She said, "This is a pedo-meter."

Got Any Grapes?

A duck walks into a hardware store and asks the man behind the counter:

"Got any grapes?"

The guy says "No, get it of here you crazy duck, I don't have any grapes."
The duck leaves and comes back the next day:

"Got any grapes?"

The guy says "No, I told you no grapes, we're a hardware store! Now get out of here."
The duck returns day after day.

"Got any grapes?"

"Got any grapes?"

"Got any grapes?"

The guy finally tells the duck "We don't have any grapes! If you ask for grapes again I'll nail your feet to the floor!"
The duck leaves, but returns the next day "Got any... Nails?"
"no"
"Got any grapes!?"

How many software developers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

I'm sorry, that appears to be a hardware problem.

A farmer walked into a hardware store

and while purchasing some tools was asked by the proprietor if he would like to buy a bicycle.
You won't have to keep a bicycle fed, said the storekeep, and you can ride around your farm on it. They're getting cheaper now, and I can let you have one for 35 dollars.
I'd rather put the 35 dollars into a cow, said the farmer.
Well, said the hardware man sarcastically, you'd look almighty foolish riding around your farm on a cow, now, wouldn't you?
No more foolish, I guess, said the farmer, than I would milking a bicycle.

Wife is mad at me..caught me peeing in the shower.

People at the hardware store were pretty mad too.

3 guys were riding in a car; a hardware technician, a systems analyst and a programmer.

The systems analyst is driving and when they come to a steep hill he finds that the brakes have failed and the car is accelerating out of control.

So, he pumps the emergency brake, downshifts the gears, and rubs the wheels' rims against the curb. He finally wrestles the car to a stop. The three climb out and assess the situation.

Hardware tech: "Let's try and fix it. I'll crawl under the car and take a look. "

Systems analyst: "No. I think we should get someone qualified to fix it, a specialist in brakes."

Programmer: "Why don't we just get back in and see if it happens again?

Two electrician friends meet at the hardware store after work

and chat about LED fixtures and other areas of illuminating rooms for a few hours. When the one electrician returns home to his wife that asks what took so long, he replies

"Me and my friend were just having a light conversation at the store."

My 7yr old heard this...

How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Zero, lightbulbs are hardware.

A woman walks into a hardware store and says, "I want to buy a hinge."

The clerk says, "Do you wanna screw for that hinge?"

The woman replies, "No thanks, but I'll blow you for a toaster."

They are opening a hardware store in Indiana where they will only employ people who have had a difficult childhood being raised in either domestic abuse or foster houses.

It will be called the Broken Home Depot.

My favorite joke as a kid

A duck walks into a hardware store, goes up to the man attending the counter, and asks "Excuse me sir, do you sell any duck food here?" The man simply nods no and the duck leaves.

The next day, the duck returns to the same store. The same guy is behind the counter and once again, the duck asks "Excuse me sir, do you have any duck food today?" The man, perplexed, looks at the duck and says "This is a hardware store. We don't sell duck food. Go away." The duck leaves.

The duck returned to the same hardware store everyday for a week, same guy behind the counter each time. After the 9th visit, the guy gets really angry, looks at the duck and yells "LISTEN HERE YOU STUPID DUCK! I DON'T SELL DUCK FOOD! NOT TODAY, OR EVER! IF YOU COME BACK IN HERE I'M GOING TO HIT YOU WITH A HAMMER!" The duck ran out of the store.

A couple of days passed. The duck peaks his head into the store, looks around, and then enters. He walks up to the guys and asks "Excuse me sir, I noticed that you were out of hammers in isle 5. Do you have any in back?" The guy looks at the duck and says "Sure don't. Sold out this morning." The duck looks around a says "Well if that's the case... Do you by chance have any duck food?"

The horse goes into the hardware shop...

The horse goes into the hardware shop.
Horse: I would like to have a pound of bread!
Clerk: sorry but we have only pink.
Horse: no problem I came with bike.

I was in the garden section of the hardware store and some guy asked me if I wanted decking.

Luckily I got the first punch in.

A man goes up to the counter to order a Polish sausage.

The cashier asks, Hey, are you polish?

The man then responds, You think I'm polish just because I ordered a Polish sausage? If I ordered a wiener schnitzel would you think I'm German? If I ordered sushi would you think I'm Japanese? If I ordered Pizza would you think I'm Italian?

The cashier responds, No, it's just that this is s hardware store.

I hate looking for window treatment advice at the hardware store...

They always send me a blind guy.

How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Zero, that's a hardware problem.

My buddy's daughter came up with this. She is 4.

A man walks into a hardware store

and asks the cashier, "Do you sell mousetraps here?" She replies, "Yes, sir, we do, but they're way in the back of the store. It'll take a while for me to get you one." The man replies, "Thank you. But please do hurry. I have to catch a bus." The cashier says back, "I'm terribly sorry, sir, but we don't have them that big."

A depressed person and a happy person walk into a hardware store, how can you tell the two apart?

The depressed one goes straight for the ropes while the happy one follows them with a camera and is wearing a green hat with three eyes on it.

Why was the computer shy?

Because it had hardware and software but no underware.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends.

Joko Jokes