hardware Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious hardware puns

What is the difference between USA and USB?

One connects to all of your devices and accesses the data, the other is a hardware standard.

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I walk into a hardware store..

"Any two-watt bulbs?"

"For what?"

"That'll do. I'll take two."

"Two what?"

"I thought you didn't have any. "

"Any what?"

"Yes please."

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How many programmers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. We don't address hardware issues.

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How many I.T. guys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

none. That's a hardware problem

but have you tried turning it on and off again?

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Went to the hardware store today...

I picked up a can of insecticide and asked the guy behind the counter if this was good for ants.

Old man says "nope, it'll kill em"

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How many developers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. That's a hardware problem.

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How many Software Engineers does it take to change a light-bulb?

None. It's a hardware problem.

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Here's one for you recent graduates.

A college grad decides to get a job at a hardware store for the summer. He shows up on his first day of work and his boss hands him a broom.

"Here, your first task is to sweep out all the aisles. After that, I'll show you where the rest of the cleaning supplies are."

The grad looks at the broom and says to his boss, "I don't think you understand, I'm a college graduate."

His boss replies, "Oh, no problem. I can show you how to use a broom."

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Pinocchio and his girlfriend were having problems.

Every time they would have sex, she would complain about splinters. Eventually, Pinocchio went to Gepetto for help.

Gepetto told Pinocchio to go to the hardware store and buy some sandpaper to sand off the splinters before he had sex with his girlfriend.

A week later, Gepetto asked Pinocchio, "So how's it going with your girlfriend?"

"Who needs a girlfriend?," said Pinnochio.

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How many programmers do you need to fix a light bulb?

None, it is a hardware issue!

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A man walks into a hardware store

So my grandpa just told this joke, it goes something like this:

A man walks into a hardware store looking for some nails, the shopkeeper walks up to him and asks how long do you want them mate? , the man responds nah I wanna keep em

Not sure if this has been posted before but I thought it was funny :)

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I was at the hardware store, and an employee asked me if I wanted a ladder or a hammer.

When I said I wanted the latter, I was surprised when the employee brought me a ladder

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A dog goes into a hardware store...

...and says: I'd like a job please . The hardware store owner says: We don't hire talking dogs, why don't you go join the circus? The dog replies: What would the circus want with a plumber .

-Steven Alan Green

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How many software developers does it take to fix a light bulb?

none, its a hardware issue.

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How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, it's a hardware problem!

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Hardware store

So a woman goes into a hardware store to buy a hinge for a door.

She puts the hinge on the counter, and the guy says, "Excuse me lady, you wanna screw for that hinge?"

And she says, "No, but I'll blow you for that lawn mower."

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What's the difference between USA and USB?

One connects to all of your devices and stores all your data.

The other is standard hardware.

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A redneck goes to a hardware store to buy a chainsaw.

"You should buy this one," the cashier says. "It can fell 1,000 trees in just one day."

The redneck buys the chainsaw and leaves.

The next day he returns with an angry look on his face. "You sold me a piece of junk! I've been using this damn thing all day and I only cut down one tree!"

The cashier believes he's cheated the man and gives him a brand new saw free of charge. The redneck takes it and leaves.

He comes back the next day even angrier than before. "This one's just as bad as the one you sold me earlier!"

The cashier can't believe that two of his best chainsaws would fail like that, so he decides to go home with the redneck and test the saws in the woods.

The cashier takes one chainsaw and turns it on.

The startled redneck turns to him and says, "What the hell was that noise?"

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A man walks up to a counter and says . . .

A man walks up to a counter and says, "Gimme a kielbassi sandwich and a beer."
"Ah," says the person behind the counter. "You must be Polish."
The customer becomes irate. "Now, just a minute," he says, "I happen to take offense at that! Why are you assuming that just because I ordered a kielbassi sandwich and a beer I must be Polish?"
"Well-"
"If I ordered a plate of spaghetti, would you assume I'm Italian?"
"Well, no."
If I ordered corned beef and cabbage, would you assume I'm Irish?"
"No."
"Then why," said the customer, "are you assuming I'm Polish just because I ordered a kielbassi sandwich and a beer?"
"Well . . . this is a hardware store."

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How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. That's a hardware problem.

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How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

None, it's a hardware issue.

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Goldberg opens a hardware store.

To advertise, he rents a billboard, puts up a picture of Jesus nailed to the cross, with the caption: They used Goldberg's nails.

His son, upon seeing this, exclaims to his father, You can't use that! It will cause antisemitism!"

So Goldberg exchanges it for a picture of Jesus's body laying on the ground, hands bloodied, with the caption: They didn't use Goldberg's nails.

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U2 are one of Ireland's most successful bands.

Or according to their tax returns, one of Netherlands' least successful hardware store owners.

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[OC]A man walks into a hardware store

Man: Hello, I'm doing some work on my house exterior and need to get to the siding and onto the roof.

Employee: Well, we have a wide range of ladders that will do the trick. There's a 3-step ladder that will be perfect for the siding, and an extending ladder that will get you up on the roof. Do you want them both?

Man: I'll take the former now and the latter ladder later.

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Problematic Speech Problem

So I heard this joke when I was younger and was in tears of laughter so I'd thought I'd share it here, it could have been posted before but here it is for those who haven't heard it.

So a guy (lets call him Fred) with a speech problem goes into a hardware shop and asks for a fucket, staff is confused at first and realised he means bucket.

Fred then goes into a pet shop and asks for a cocker spankit, the owner is confused and realises he means cocker spaniel (breed of dog).

Finally, Fred walks into a bakery and asks for a bum, once again, staff are confused at first, but realises he means a bun of bread.

So as he is walking down the street with his newly purchased items his brand new dog runs off the leash and Fred runs after it.
A nearby policeman notices Fred and asks him "what's the trouble mister?" Fred replies, "hold my bum and fuck it while I get my cock and spank it".

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A Blonde Goes Into A Hardware Store

A Blonde is doing some home improvement work and needs to replace a door. However, she needs two hinges and only has one. She goes down to the massive home improvement store to purchase the second one.

She finds an employee, who helps her find the hinge she needs. The employee decides to be helpful and asks "Maam, do you want a screw for that hinge?"

The blonde answers: "No, but I'll give you a blowjob for that toaster."

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Screw for a Hinge?

Bubba was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to the hardware store.

At the hardware store Mary saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Joe to finish waiting on a customer.

When Joe was finished, Mary asked, "How much for the teapot?"

Joe replied, "That's silver and it costs $100!"

"My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Mary exclaimed.

She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Bubba had sent her to buy, and Joe went to the backroom to find a hinge.

From the backroom Joe Bob yelled, "Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?'

To which Mary replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."

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A guy is walking down the street and passes a hardware store...

...advertising a sale on a chain saw that is capable of cutting seven hundred trees is seven hours. The guy thinks this is a great deal and decides to buy one.

The next day, he comes back with the saw and complains to the salesman that the thing didn't even come close to cutting down the seven hundred trees the ad said it would.

"Well," said the salesman, "let's test it out back."

Finding a log, the salesman pulls the starter cord and the saw makes a great roaring sound.

"What's that noise?" asks the guy.

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A walks into a hardware store to get some nails

He asks the clerk for some nails and the clerk says "ok sure, how long do you want them?" and the customer says "well I'd like to keep them." : )

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I used to work for a construction company, until one day...

My boss approached me on the jobsite and said, "Hey, we need a new wheelbarrow. There's a hardware store just down the street. Take this purchase order and grab us one."

So I do as I'm told and head to the hardware store. I come back a few minutes later with two wheelbarrows; one stacked inside the other.

My boss yells at me, "You idiot! I told you to buy ONE wheelbarrow!"

I reply, "Well yeah, but you didn't expect me to carry the damn thing, did you?"

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A Polish Joke

A man walks up to a counter and says to the clerk, "Sir, give me your finest polish sausage!"

The man looks back at him confused. He then asks, "Sir, are you by any chance Polish?"

The first man looks back at him shocked and appalled. "How dare you assume I'm polish just because I asked for polish sausage! If I had asked for a taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? If I had asked for spaghetti, would you have assumed I was Italian? I can't believe you would assume something like that!"

The clerk looks back at him and says, "No sir, I assumed you were Polish because this is a hardware store."

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I took my old computer to a computer repair shop

I asked the shop owner "My computer is too slow. What can I do ?"

Shop owner inspected the computer and said "It needs some hardware acceleration"

Me: How much acceleration would it need ?

Shop owner: 9.8 meter per second squared.

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A chappy was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge,

so he sent his wife Mary to the hardware store.

At the hardware store, while waiting her turn, Mary saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf .

When Joe was finished, Mary asked, "How much for the teapot?"

Joe replied, "That's silver and it costs $100!"

"My goodness, that sure is a lotta money!" Mary exclaimed.

She then proceeded to describe the hinge that she was sent to buy, and Joe went to the backroom to find a hinge.

From the backroom Joe yelled, "Mary, you wanna screw for the hinge?'

To which Mary replied, "Nope, but I definitely will for the teapot."

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A guy has a wasps nest in his garage

He goes to the hardware store and finds a can of spray that says it's for hornets, so he finds an employee just to check if it'll work on wasps.

"Excuse me, is this spray good for wasps?"

"No sir, it kills them."

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What is the difference betweeen the USA and a USB

One records and reads all of your personal data, and the other is a hardware standard.

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What are the most funny Hardware jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Hardware? Well, here are the best Hardware dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Hardware pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes