Hard Wood Jokes
39 hard wood jokes and hilarious hard wood puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about hard wood that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Hard Wood Short Jokes
Short hard wood jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The hard wood humour may include short hardwood jokes also.
- Next time someone complains about millennials Remind them which generation linoleumed over all those beautiful hard-wood floors.
- I have just finished making a hard-drive out of wood, but it doesn't work… It's all bark and no byte
- Yesterday I went into the woods to looks for sasquatchs but my Jean's were too tight You have no idea how hard it is to sasquatch with you sack squashed
- If I gather my material, wood you like to hear a joke? I sure wood, but it's steel hard to come up with one.
- Met a cute girl with purple hair. Jokingly asked her "Does the carpet match the drapes?"
She replies "No carpet, hard wood".
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Hard Wood One Liners
Which hard wood one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with hard wood? I can suggest the ones about wooden and wood log.
- What did the carpet enthusiast say to his mistress? I haven't had hard wood in 15 years.
- I hate peeing with morning wood... It's just so hard!
- If Hillary brought a carpet bag to New York, what did Bill bring? Hard wood.
- What do kids and japanese getas have in common? You can only make 'em with hard wood!
- Why couldn't Pinocchio get a hard-on? He was made out of balsa wood
- What do you call an old man's hard on? Petrified wood.
- I just peed with morning wood It was hard
- I have trouble p**... with morning wood... It's hard and won't go down.
Hard Wood Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about hard wood you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean firewood jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make hard wood pranks.
Two blondes suddenly got into bird hunting and were eager to try it out for themselves.
They had read that a birddog is a great and useful accessory in bird hunting, so they decided to go to the pet shop and buy one.
They asked for a well-trained birddog, and got one.
The two blondes immediately went to the woods to try it out.
The dog didn't work.
No matter how hard they tried, it just didn't follow their commands.
They became really frustrated and one of the blondes said to her companion, “Okay, we'll give him one more try. We'll throw him in the air one more time and if he doesn't fly, we're taking him back to the store!”
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A farmer and a hunter
A man is out hunting in the woods when he shoots a massive duck. The duck falls into a field owned by a local farmer. The farmer retrieves the duck but refuses to hand over the duck saying "Around here we have a little game to solve problems like this. Each person gets to kick the other is the c**... as hard as possible; the person who makes the least noise wins. Since the duck fell on my land I get to go first." The hunter eager to get his prize duck, accepts. The farmer proceeds to kick him with all of his might. The hunter collapses on the ground in agony but manages not to utter the tiniest whimper. After recovering he approaches the farmer and says "Now it's my turn, let's see if you can beat that!" To which the farmer replies "Nah it's okay you can have the duck."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An American woman is hiking through Germany...
She's enjoying taking in the sights and immersing herself in the culture. But one day, while hiking through a wooded area, she comes across an elderly German man taking a leak on the side of the path. He's hardly subtle about it; letting his sausage hang out for the world to see. Immediately the woman averts her eyes! "Oh, g**...!" she exclaims. The Old German man, just finishing up, winks suggestively at the woman before zipping up his fly and walking away. "Danke schön"
Sad loss
I woke up early as the sun shined brightly through my bedroom window. Usually the light was filtered though the leaves of a beautiful old elm tree that had been in our backyard for generations. Yesterday we had to cut her down as she had been stricken with Dutch Elm Disease. I slowly wiped a tear away then thought to myself, "Why am I being so sentimental over a tree, it's just a simple piece if wood?" My wife sensing that something was wrong asked, "What's the matter honey?" I responded, "Oh nothing, I just never thought mourning wood could be so hard." She enthusiastically sat up and said, "Well, let's have a look. I'll be the judge of that."
Told by one timer to another over a game of chess at the local coffee shop.
A guys finds himself in the woods, comes up to a river and looks around sees just before the bend a priest baptizing people. He goes up to the preacher and without saying a word, the preacher grabs him and dunks him into the water. He shouts, "Have you found Jesus yet?!" The guy, catching his breath, shakes his head a says, "No." The preacher sticks him down again, this time even longer. After bringing him back up he yells again, "Have you found Jesus yet?!?!" Again the guy, hardly being able to breathe, says, "No!" The preacher thrusts him back into the water harder and almost to the point where he drowns. He brings the man back up in the last seconds and exclaims louder than previous times, "Have you found Jesus yet?!?!?!" and the man retorts, "No, are you sure he's down here?!"
A Sioux meets a Cowboy cutting some wood
The cowboy asks, "Hey fellow, can you tell me if it's going to be cold this winter?" The indian says "Yes. It will be cold."
The Indian swings by again watching the cowboy cutting wood. The cowboy asks, "really, pal, how cold and how long you think this winter will be?" "It will be very cold and very long!" the Sioux answers.
The following day, the indian comes back and the cowboy is going crazy again preparing for winter. This one goes, "you seem so sure about your forecast. What did you see that gave you the feeling that this winter will be so hard and cold?"
"Sioux have a say," the indian goes, "When white man cuts lot of wood, winter is long and xold."
A beautiful woman asked me if the carpet matched the drapes.
I told her there was no carpet. . . just hard wood.
That's a real dream I had last night. I woke up with more giggles than I should have.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A group of hunters gathered in the woods..
A group of hunters gathered around the campfire after a long, hard day in the woods. *"3"*, said one of the hunters, and the rest laughed.
*"8"*, another said, and they laughed even more.
Now, for one of the hunters, these numbers weren't very fun. He asks, *"Why is this fun?"*. The hunters look at each other, and the leader explained, *"Well, you see son, instead of having to say the jokes to each other we've assigned* numbers *to them."* He looks at the hunter and says, *"Why don't try one?"*
The young hunter thinks for a moment, and then he says; *"42"*.
And this time, the hunters burst out in an e**... of laughter, som even falling to the ground.
Puzzled, the young one asks, *"Tell me, tell me, why was this fun?"*
The leader dries his tears with his hand, and says;
*"We hadn't heard that one before."*
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A magician calls a man onstage...
and he gives the man a sledgehammer, and he says, "I want you to take this sledgehammer and hit me as hard as you can in the head." The guy says, "Alright." The magician puts his head down on a block a wood and the guy hauls back and BAM! Pops this magician in the temple. Ten years later, the magician wakes up out of a coma in the hospital and goes, "TADAAA!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two boys are in the woods...
...They were walking when they noticed two girls getting n**... in a nearby pond. One kid bolted the other way and the other one chased after him. "Why did you leave man! That was the prime opportunity for us to see n**... chicks!" Then the other kid said "well, my mom said if I ever see a n**... girl before I'm married, I'll turn to stone and I felt something getting hard!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Unicorn hunting...
Two hunters, Paul and Kurt, were in a lodge, making small talk.
Paul asked Kurt, So, what do you hunt?
Kurt answered, I hunt unicorns.
Paul was startled, but said, Really? How do you do that?
Kurt replied, I find a v**... and hire her to help me. The v**... sits around in the woods until a unicorn comes to her. When it does, it sets off a snare.
Paul said, Boy, they must be hard to find. I've heard of them, but I've never seen one.
Kurt said, Yeah, and there aren't many unicorns around, either!
Red Neck Computer Dictionary
* LOG ON: Makin' a woodstove hot.
* LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.
* MONITOR: Keepin' an eye on the wood stove.
* DOWNLOAD: Gittin' the farwood off the truck.
* MEGA HERTZ: When you're not keerfull gittin' the farwood.
* FLOPPY DISC: Whutcha git from trying to tote too much farwood.
* RAM: That thar thing whut splits the farwood.
* HARD DRIVE: Gittin' home in the winter time.
* WINDOWS: Whut to shut when it's cold outside.
* SCREEN: Whut to shut when it's black fly season.
* BYTE: Whut them dang flys do.
* CHIP: Munchies fer the TV.
* MICRO CHIP: Whut's in the bottom of the munchie bag.
* MODEM: Whutcha do to the hay fields.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
s**... worm
A grandfather is watching his grandson playing in the yard and asks what is he doing.
The grandson says:
- I'm shoving the worms back into their hole.
- And how can you do it if the worm is all limp and flaccid?
- It's a secret grandfather!
- I'll give you 10 bucks if you teach me how to do it.
- Well, I'll spread some wood glue, stretch the worm, wait until it dries and stays hard and then just put it in the hole.
- Take your 10 bucks.
The next day the grandfather goes to the kid, takes $100 from his pocket and gives to the grandson.
- Grandfather, have you forgotten? You already gave me $10 yesterday.
- I know. Those $100 are from your grandmother.
The Thane Of Cawdor's (Scottish equiv. Of Earl) castle is protected by high stone walls. The weak point is the old wooden drawbridge, which is showing the first small signs of rot in some areas.
The smartest men in the castle assemble to advise the king, but all of their solutions involve paying for a brand new drawbridge, which the Scottish Thane is not a fan of.
Oh, the cost! He cried, isn't there anyone in the kingdom who has a better, cheaper idea for protecting the wood of this fine old drawbridge?
The court fool thinks hard for a minute, then having his eureka moment, steps forward towards his master and exclaims in a loud voice: urethane .
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What does Roomba have in common with your Mom?
They both s**... my hard wood throughout the day.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I get erections at funerals. "Mourning wood," if you will.
It's hard to come up with an original e**... joke. The competition is stiff.
Two lumberjacks are having a conversation.
One of them says "You know, I can cut wood just by looking at it!"
The other replies "That's not possible! I don't believe you!"
The first says "I know, that it's hard to believe, but I'm telling you! I saw it with my two eyes!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Sam: Hey Dave, I saw something really weird last night in the woods.
Dave: Oh yeah? What'd you see?
Sam: We'll it's kinda hard to explain, except it looked like a group of older women gathered around a fire, doing these weird chants and they started to get n**..... I mean that could only mean one thing..
Dave: Which is?
Sam: Exactly