Hard Water Jokes
76 hard water jokes and hilarious hard water puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about hard water that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Hard Water Short Jokes
Short hard water jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The hard water humour may include short fresh water jokes also.
- What did the egg say to the boiling water? It's gonna take me a little while to get hard, I just got laid by this chick.
- What did the egg say to the boiling water? I'm not sure if I can get hard, I was just laid this morning.
- What did the egg say to the boiling water? "Sorry, it's going to take me a while to get hard, I got laid last night."
- What did the egg say to the boiling water? "Not sure I can get hard..just got laid 10 minutes ago"
- What did the egg say to the boiling water? Sorry I can't get hard right now. I just got laid.
- What did the egg say to the boiling water? It may take me a while to get hard. I just got laid by a chick.
- What did the egg say to the boiling water? Don't expect me to get hard in three minutes, I just got laid this morning!
- What did the egg say to the boiling water? I don't know if I can get hard I just got laid this morning!
- What did the egg say to the boiling water? It might take a while for me to get hard because I just got laid last night.
- There are two eggs in a pan of boiling water One says "oh! I've got a small crack."
The other replies "don't worry, I'm only half hard."
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Hard Water One Liners
Which hard water one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with hard water? I can suggest the ones about water freezes and water boils.
- Historians found hard proof that Jesus could walk over water They call it ice
- Carrying water isn't very hard But carrying lighter fluid is easier
- Solid water is called ice. It's the cold, hard truth.
- Briefly explain 'hard water' ice
- Why can't you wash your hands with ice? Because it's hard water.
- What did the egg say to the water? I cant get hard, i just got laid by the chicken.
Hard Water Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about hard water you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean drinking water jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make hard water pranks.
What did the egg say after he was put in a p**.
.. of boiling water? I just got laid by a chick and now I'm getting hard.
Why It s**... to Be an Egg...
You only get laid once, you only get hard once, and when you DO finally get hard, it takes under three minutes and you're already in hot water.
short jokes
I have gotten some good jokes from yall... I hope yall enjoy these
Sorry no Easter jokes if you celebrate Easter or anything like that... have a good one
Q. Why did the man put his money in the freezer?
A. He wanted cold hard cash!
Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A. Frostbite.
Q. Where do polar bears vote?
A. The North Poll
Q. What dog keeps the best time?
A. A watch dog.
Q. What did the grape do when it got stepped on?
A. It let out a little wine!
Q. How do you make a tissue dance?
A. Put a little boogey in it!
Q. What did the water say to the boat?
A. Nothing, it just waved.
Q. What did the fish say when he swam into the wall?
A. Dam!
What did the egg say to the p**... of boiling water?
Its going to take me a while to get hard because I was just laid.
We put Granddad into a nursing home yesterday
I called Grandma to see how he was doing.
"Oh, dear, he's like a fish out of water!" she told me.
"Is he finding hard to adjust?" I asked.
"No, he's dead."
Regular Russia, not the Soviet one
Ivan and Igor are standing at a bus stop in Russia. It is freezing cold and raining hard. A limo drives by and splashes icy water all over them. Ivan says to Igor, This is a terrible place to live, I want to go to America. Igor responses, Why do think America would be any better. Ivan stares at Igor in disbelief, Do you know what would happen in America? If a limo drove by and splashed you, the rich man would pull over, apologize, help you into the car, take you to his home, make you nice drink, feed you dinner, let you sleep in his warm bed, and then, the next morning, he would drop you off where ever you wanted to go. Igor says, Really? This happened to you?! Ivan, No, my wife.
Why God?
One day it began to rain very hard. It rained for hours. There was a man standing outside his house in the rain praying.
When the rain was up to his knees a canoe came by. The people in the boat told him to get on board before he drowned. The man replied "don't worry God will save me."
When the rain was up to his waist a small boat came by. The people in the boat told him to get on board before he drowned. The man replied "don't worry God will save me."
When the water was up to his neck a larger boat came by. The people on the boat told him to get on board before he drowned. The man replied "don't worry God will save me."
Eventually the water went over his head and he drowned. When he got to heaven he asked God why God didn't save him. God then responded "What are you talking about, I sent a canoe, a small boat, and a large boat to save you."
So the boss wants to fire one of his employees...
When his company fell on hard times, the boss realized that he'd have to lay off one of his two middle managers. As both Jack and Liz were equally honest and dedicated to their jobs, he was unable to decide which one to fire. To resolve his dilemma, the boss arbitrarily decided that the first to leave his or her desk the next morning would be the one to get the ax. The next morning found Liz at her desk, rubbing her temples. Asking Jack for some aspirin, she headed for the water fountain and that's where the boss caught up with her. "I've got some bad news for you, Liz," he said. "I've got to lay you or j**...." "j**...," she snapped. "I have a headache."
There was a support group for ugly people.
and each month when they would meet, there would be a small bus to pick them all up and take them to the meeting. Well one stormy night after picking everyone up the bus driver lost control of the bus on a bridge and it plummeted into the water and all of those hideous ugly people drowned.
So they go to heaven and St. Peter is there and he says
"Wow, you guys had it rough! I mean look at you!"
and then he says
"You know what? I am going to give each of you one wish, and then send you back to earth, here line up and tell me what your wish is."
So the ugly people lined up and the person in the front of the line says
"Oh I got it!, I want to be beautiful!"
So St. Peter complied.
The next person in line sees what happened to the first person
and says "Make me beautiful too!"
So he did.
At that moment, there seemed to be someone giggling from the end of the line. St. Peter didn't know what was so funny but he kept on granting wishes and one by one each person in line asked to be beautiful.
Finally St Peter gets to the end of the line and the last person is just about to explode with laughter. He can hardly contain himself.
St Peter says... "Ok.. what is your wish?"
and the man says
"Make em' all ugly again!"
Tie Salesman
A fleeing criminal, desperate to escape the police, runs into the desert with hardly any water. Very soon, he runs out of drinking water, and hours later, he is already plodding under the merciless desert sun.
He is close to desperation when suddenly sees something far off in the distance. Hoping against hope that it is water, he starts running towards what he thinks is an oasis, only to find a little old man with a little stand, full of ties.
'Hey you, do you have water?' Pants the criminal.
The old man replied, 'I have already finished my water, but would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.'
The criminal, frustrated shouted, 'you m**...! Do I look like I need a tie? I should kill you right here, but I have to find some water first!"
'There's no call for threats,' said the old tie seller indignantly, 'but even though you don't want to buy one of my ties and you treat me like this, I'll help you. If you continue over that hill for about 3 miles, you'll find a restaurant with great food and all the ice cold water you can drink. Good luck!"
Muttering in disgust, the criminal staggered away over the hill. Several hours later the other man sees him crawling on the dune back towards him. When he finally arrives, he lays on his back, panting.
"Everything ok?" Asked the tie salesman as he bends over to hear the raspy whisper of the other man.
"They won't let me in without a tie..."
Kids jokes
Q: What did the ocean say to the airplane?
A: Nothing, it just waved.
Q: Do old planes retire?
A: No, they just get more turbulent.
Q: Why did the young plane study so hard?
A: He really wanted a higher education!
Q: Did you hear the joke about the jet?
A: It's over your head.
Q: What do you call a flying policeman?
A: A helicopper!
Q: What travels around the world and stays in a corner?
A: A stamp!
Q: What keeps jazz musicians on earth?
A: Groovity!
Q: What goes up and down but doesn't move?
A: The temperature!
Q: I'm not an airplane, but I can fly through the sky. I'm not a river, but I'm full of water. What am I?
A: A cloud
Three blondes and a brunette walk into a bar.
The blonde girls explain to the bartender that they've never ordered a shot before, and ask what he recommends. He decides on something exciting for their time with hard liquor, and pours them each a flaming shot. He then turns to the brunette, and asks what she'd like to drink.
"I'll just have a water, thanks."
"You their driver?"
"No, I'm not even with them. I just want to be able to remember this."
Fish out of water.
I was on the phone to my Grandma the other day and we were discussing how my Grandpa was getting on in the nursing home.
I said, "How is he coping, getting on all right?".
She replied, "Oh, no, he's like a fish out of water..."
So I said, "Aww is he finding it quite hard to adjust?"
She replied, "No, he's dead."
Two guys are playing tennis.
After they finish their game, one turns to the other and tells his friend his elbow really hurts. His friend tells him to go down to the local pharmacy. At the pharmacy they have a machine where you put in $5 and a u**... sample, and the machine will tell you what's wrong and how to cure it. The friend is astonished so he goes down. He puts in the $5 and a u**... sample and the machine prints out a little sheet of paper. On the paper it says: You have tennis elbow, rest your elbow, stay away from strenuous activity, and it should go away. This guy is amazed. He drives home quickly, thinking he can test the machine. So, he grabs a big glass. He puts some tap water in, gets his wife and daughter to pee in it, and just for fun he masturbates into it. He goes back down puts in $5 and the sample. A large list prints out. It says: You have hard water get, a water softener, your daughter is addicted to h**..., get her into rehab, your wife is cheating on you, get a lawyer, and if you don't quit m**... your tennis elbow is never going to go away.
Computer diagnosis
One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor."
His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
Simply put in a sample of your u**..., and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about and it will only cost you $10.00."
Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a u**... sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.
The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read:
1. You have tennis elbow.
2. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor.
3. It will be better in two weeks.......
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled.
He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and u**... samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he m**... into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its alights, and printed out the following analysis:
1. Your tap water is too hard.
2. Get a water softener.
3. Your dog has ringworm.
4. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
5. Your daughter is using c**....
6. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
7. Your wife is pregnant ....... twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
8. And if you don't stop m**..., your elbow will never get better.
There are 3 nuns two that are crying and one who is laughing...
a priest goes up to the first crying nun and asks, "What is wrong sister?" The nun says, "I broke into somebody's house." The priest says, "Go drink from the holy water it will wash away your sins." The next nun says, "Father I stole someone's car." The priest says, "Go drink from the holy water it will wash away your sins." The priest goes up to the laughing nun and asks, "Why are you laughing so hard?" The nun says, "I peed in the holy water."
Christ and Moses...
...are playing a round of golf. Jesus is on the green, but he puts away his putter and takes out a driver. Moses says "Put that away. You'll never get it in." "Nonsense," replies Jesus. "If Sam Snead can do it, I can do it too." Jesus hits the ball too hard, and it falls into the water. Moses rolls his eyes, parts the waters, and brings the ball back. Not one to be deterred, Jesus takes out the driver again, saying "If Sam Snead can do it, I can do it too." The ball once again goes into the water, Moses parts it, retrieves the ball, and gives it back. When once again Jesus fails to get the ball in, Moses refuses to help. So, Jesus steps out onto the water and proceeds to search for the ball. A man walking by looks incredulously at Jesus, turns to Moses and says "Who does that guy think he is, Jesus Christ?" "No," replies Moses. "Sam Snead."
The Spaghetti Joke. Two men had a plane c**... in the desert and survived.
They had water, but no food. After a couple of days wandering in the desert they saw the remaining of another plane that was crashed a few days ago with a dead pilot. So one man says to the other "Let's open the dead pilot's stomach, perhaps what he ate is still there." The other agrees, they open the pilot's stomach and see the he had spaghetti.
The second man starts eating hungrily, the first man refuses politely. "You said to open his stomach and now you refuse?" asks the second man, "No thank you, I don't feel like it." The first man replies. So they continue walking, after a few hours, the spaghetti which was rotten in the dead pilot's stomach is hard to digest, so the guy who ate it starts to v**.... The other guy starts eating the vomited spaghetti. "What the heck are you doing?" asks the guy who vomited the spaghetti. And the man replies: "I like my spaghetti warm."
Must be one-of-a-kind...
Years ago, my older friend told me a joke that I have never heard from anyone else to this day. The joke itself is brilliantly s**....
"What did the egg say to the p**... of boiling water?"
"It's going to take a moment for me to get hard; I just got laid by some chick."
Told by one timer to another over a game of chess at the local coffee shop.
A guys finds himself in the woods, comes up to a river and looks around sees just before the bend a priest baptizing people. He goes up to the preacher and without saying a word, the preacher grabs him and dunks him into the water. He shouts, "Have you found Jesus yet?!" The guy, catching his breath, shakes his head a says, "No." The preacher sticks him down again, this time even longer. After bringing him back up he yells again, "Have you found Jesus yet?!?!" Again the guy, hardly being able to breathe, says, "No!" The preacher thrusts him back into the water harder and almost to the point where he drowns. He brings the man back up in the last seconds and exclaims louder than previous times, "Have you found Jesus yet?!?!?!" and the man retorts, "No, are you sure he's down here?!"
2 whales
Two Whales, Bob & Brenda, are swimming in the cold arctic waters when Bob spies a boat. "It can't be!" exclaims Bob. "What" asks Brenda. "You see that boat in the distance, Brenda? Well that's the whaler that murdered my parents!" "Oh Bob, that's awful" replies Brenda. "Quick, Brenda, I have a plan! you go port side & I'll go starboard & we'll blow as hard we can out of our blow-holes & sink the boat!" so Bob & Brenda position themselves either side of the boat & blow with all their might. Sure enough, the sea turns to foam & the boat capsises throwing the sailers into the sea. Brenda turns to leave. "Where do yu think you're going?" asks bob. "We're not done yet! Now we're going to eat the sailors!" "Look" replies Brenda "I don't mind doing the b**... but there's no way I'm swallowing s**...!!"
Whenever I have s**..., my eyes water and I find it hard to breathe...
The doctor says its the mace.
Girls are magic...
Girls are magic... They get wet without water, can bleed without injuries and get boneless things hard!
Dirtiest clean joke I know...
What did the egg say to the boiling water....? It's gonna take a minute for me to get hard, I just came outta this chik! :p
I just tripped hard on what I thought was acid,
my lab partner assured me it was just water though.
"Man, I hit the bottle real hard last night..."
"I didn't know you drank"
"Yeah, water..."
Drink 'Till She's Cute
A man stopped at his favorite watering hole after a hard days work to relax. He noticed a man next to him ordered a shot and a beer. The man drank the shot, chased it with the beer and then looked into his shirt pocket. This continued several times before the man's curiosity got the best of him. He leaned over to the guy and said, "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice your little ritual, why in the world do you look into your shirt pocket every time you drink your shot & beer"? The man replied, "There's a picture of my wife in there, and when she starts lookin' good, I'm headin' home"!
At first I found flying a Boeing 747 on top of water hard
But soon after it was plane sailing.
What did the egg say to the boiling water?
How do you expect me to get hard when I got laid just a moment ago.
Egg to the boiling water
'It's gonna take a minute for me to get hard, I just got laid by a chick'
Jack and Sue
The manager of a company has to make a hard choice, whether or fire Jack or Sue. They are both superb workers, but the company has been running into hard times.
The manager decides that whomever drinks from the cooler first will be laid off the following morning.
Sue, who always comes in bright and early, had a horrible hangover from partying to hard last night, and goes to the fountain to drink some water with her advil.
The manager walks up to her, sighs and tells her, "Sue, I'm sorry. I either have to lay you or j**...."
Turning to face the manager, Sue smiles and says, "Please just j**..., my head is killing me."
The Old Fisherman
It was raining hard and a big puddle had formed in front of the little Irish pub.
An old man stood beside the puddle holding a stick with a string on the end and jiggled it up and down in the water.
A curious gentleman asked what he was doing.
"Fishing," replied the old man.
"Poor old chap.." thought the gentleman, so he invited the old man to have a drink in the pub.
Feeling he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the gentleman asked, "And how many have you caught today?"
"You're the eighth."
A frog is arrested for m**......
Mr. Frog was arrested and sentenced to 30 years for m**.... For 30 years he was stuck in a small cell. His interaction with the outside world was the guards and all these flies that would swarm through his cell window.
Every day the guards would check on Mr. Frog and bring him fresh water. The guards were always amazed that the frogs only activity was gulpng these flies but he always had a huge frog grin throughout the decades.
Finally, it was time for Mr. Frog to be released. He hopped back to his old pond and encountered an old acquaintance.
"You're out! Was your time locked up hard and boring?"
"No," replied Mr. Frog, "time is fun when you're having flies."
Eggs have it bad for boiling water.
Unfortunately, it'll take them a while to get hard since they just got laid by a chick.
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead escape from their cells on a prison island...
... They sneak past the guards and make it to the shoreline. The mainland is a kilometre away, through dangerous waters.
The brunette, being the bravest, leaves first. She swims as hard as she can, but after only a few hundred meters she becomes exhausted and drowns.
The redhead leaves second. She is smarter and swims more slowly, but just as she passed half way a shark eats her.
The blonde, a natural athlete, embarks on her perilous swim. Miraculously, she avoids all sharks and swims until she is only 50m from the shoreline!
Exhausted, she says, "It's too far, I can't make it!", and swims back.
Why do early 19th century women find it hard to boil water?
Because it gives them the vapors.
What did the egg say to the boiling water?
It'll be a minute before I get hard. I just got laid by a chick.
Tomato
Not sure if this translates well from my Albanian origins
So their was a farmer woman and she is tending her crops and notices her tomatoes are brown and rotten. She looks over to her neighbors and they were bright red and juicy.
So one day she sees her neighbor and asks him.
Her what's your secret? My tomatoes will never get like yours and I water them every day
Farmer says My secret is at night I water them n**... and they get embarrassed and blush
So she goes out at night and gets n**... and waters the tomatoes.
2 weeks go by and the neighbor sees her and asks how her tomatoes are doing.
She responds tomatoes are still brown and rotten but the cucumbers are long hard juicy and thick
What did the egg say to the p**... of boiling water?
What did the egg say to the p**... of boiling water?
"It might take me a minute to get hard... I just got laid this morning."
I hired a German plumber the other day to fix my shower.
He accidentally connected the gas supply to the water supply.
I guess old habits die hard.
A galley ship's commander addresses the slaves.
"I have good news," the commander says. "For all your hard work, you're each going to receive an extra r**... ration!" The galley slaves cheer, but are quickly silenced by the commander. "And now the bad news," he says. "The Captain wants to go water skiing."
What did the egg say to the p**... of boiling water?
It might take me a minute to get hard, I just got laid this morning.
A blond woman drives by a cornfield.
While driving, she looks out her window and saw that in the middle of the cornfield was another blond woman, sitting in a boat, and rowing as if the boat was in water.
The blond in the car was amazed by what a s**... thing she was looking at. So she stops her car, gets out, and yells "It's blonds like you that give blonds like me such a hard time in the world!"
The blond in the boat then yells, "What's wrong? You want to fight about it?"
So the blond that was driving answered, "I would, but I don't know how to swim."
Two whales are swimming along in the ocean...
When one whale spots a fishing boat. So he says to the other whale "Hey, that is the boat that harpooned Frank, we should get back at them"
The other whale says "Oh yeah? What should we do?"
"I say we both go under their boat, and blow our blowholes as hard as we can, that will knock over their boat!" And so both whales went under the boat, and with a powerful blast they were able to capsize the boat and send all the sailors into the water.
The first whale then says "Now that they are all in the water, I say we eat them!"
And the second whale replies "Woah, woah, woah. I was all for the b**... but I won't s**... any s**...".
Grandad went into a nursing home,
so I rang them to see how he was.
Nurse said, "He's like a fish out of water."
I said, "So he's finding it hard to adjust?"
She said, "No, he's dead!"
What did the egg say to the boiling water?
It's going to take me a while to get hard, I just got laid by a chick.
What did the egg say to the boiling water?
I was laid this morning..... I don't know if I can get hard just yet
My grandmother always had an amazing way with words.
One day, I gave her a call after my grandfather had been put into a retirement home. I asked her how he was doing, she said, He's like a fish out of water. I asked, Is he finding it hard to fit in? And she replied, No, he's dead.
Quitting drinking's been a lot easier ever since I became friends with the Antichrist
Hard to get buzzed someone turns all your wine into water...
Gary and Pete, 2 alcoholics, were lost at sea.
While floating in their small boat, they spotted a bottle on the water.
Gary quickly grabbed the bottle and took out the cork.
To his shock, a genie flew out.
"You have freed me. You may have a wish."
Gary thought hard and pointed at the sea.
"Turn all this water into Guiness."
There was a flash and the genie was gone, leaving a frothy sea of Guinness.
"why would you do that?!" complained Pete.
"What, you don't want beer?" asked Gary.
Pete shook his head and sighed.
"Now we'll have to p**... in the boat."
Women Are Magic
The can get wet without water, bleed without injury, and make boneless things hard!
Old Man Jack married an old maid
Life had been hard on old Ethel. But they were truly in love, and their families agreed it was best for them to live out their final days in joy.
On their wedding night, Jack lay on the bed and watched his new bride undress.
She took out her glass eye and placed it in a velvet case.
Next, she removed her false teeth and put them in a glass of water.
Taking off her wig, she placed it on a small bust on the dresser.
She removed her prosthetic leg, and stood it beside the chair.
Jack finally spoke: "When you get to the part I'm waiting for, just toss it over."
The workout
A triathlete walks into a bar to replenish some carbs after a hard workout and orders a beer. "I just got done doing a 10-mile open water swim," he brags to the bartender. "Ten miles, huh? That's impressive," the bartender replies. "I'd struggle to do that much on a bike." "Yeah, well bikes aren't that good in water," the athlete says.
Two eggs are put into a p**... of boiling water, what did one egg say to the other?
It's going to take me a minute to get hard, I got laid last night