Hard Of Hearing Jokes
120 hard of hearing jokes and hilarious hard of hearing puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about hard of hearing that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Hard Of Hearing Short Jokes
Short hard of hearing jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The hard of hearing humour may include short deaf jokes also.
- What do you call a little boy made of pasta who comes to life? Pi-gnocchi-o
(I really wish you could hear how hard I'm laughing to myself) - A boy is loudly praying, "God please give me a bicycle." His mom asks, "why are you praying so loudly? God isn't hard of hearing."
The boy replies, "yes but grandma is." - A young woman walks into a dry cleaner She asks the elderly owner inspecting her blouse how long it would take to clean.
Hard of hearing the man asks, "come again?"
She responds, "No, it's yogurt" - Did you hear about the alligator who couldn't get a hard-on? He had a reptile dysfunction.
- Did you hear about the two mute people who were telling each other jokes? They laughed so hard they broke their fingers.
- [OC] Did you hear the political interview in regards to homosexuality? It was hard to get a straight answer.
- Did you hear the local concrete plant was flooded last week? They're having a hard time moving inventory now.
- Did you hear about the guy who watched that new Bruce Willis film five times in a row? He was a Die Hard fan.
- Did you hear about the guy and girl who mutually decided to break up because the guy had ED? There were no hard feelings.
- Did you hear about the guy who has reverse erectile dysfunction? He having a real hard time at the moment.
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Hard Of Hearing One Liners
Which hard of hearing one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with hard of hearing? I can suggest the ones about hearing loss and deaf people.
- Went to the doctor's today, he told me I was going deaf That news was hard for me to hear
- Did you know? If you put a hard hat up to your ear... ...you can hear the OSHA
- I hear cancer is hard to beat No one got past stage 4.
- Did you hear about the guy who made an outfit out of super glue? It was hard to pull off.
- What does a hard of hearing christian say when they get scared? OH CHEESE AND FRIES
- I was going to take communist studies with Mr. Karl But I hear he Marx pretty hard.
- Did you hear about the guy who stole a sundial? They say he's doing hard time.
- What do you call a hard-of-hearing country and western singer? Dolly Pardon.
- You hear about the French magician with a thick accent? He was a hard act to follow.
- SIGN LANGUAGE WRITTEN ALL-CAPS WHY? DEAF, HARD-OF-HEARING PEOPLE QUIET WORDS CAN'T HEAR
- Have you been to the FPH sub today? I'm hearing Finding it is Pretty Hard.
- did you hear about the broken ipod that played hard to get? she's impossible to turn on
- Hear about that woman who f**... so hard she died. Her epitaph read: "Let her RIP!"
- What do you call a guy with an ear f**... Hard for hearing.
- This may be hard for you to hear... ...but you're going deaf in both ears.
Silly Hard Of Hearing Jokes for a Good Time with Friends
What funny jokes about hard of hearing you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean hearing aids jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make hard of hearing pranks.
Monica Lewinsky walks into the dry cleaners. The old man behind the counter is hard of hearing and doesn't understand her request, so he says, "Come again." Monica responds, "No, this time it's mustard."
Luella and Rose
There were these two sisters Luella and Rose. They were going
to get a picture taken of themselves as they just got their checks.
They go to the studio and after the photographer fools with the
camera he tells Rose to sit quietly because he had to focus.
Well, Luella being hard of hearing says, "Huh?"
Rose says, "Be still girl he's gonna focus!"
Luella looks and says, "Both of us?"
A woman walks into a dry cleaner...
and says "I've got another dress for you"
The man behind the counter, whose a little hard of hearing, reply "come again?"
The woman responds with "No this time its mustard"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An old man doesn't feel well...
So he and his wife go to the doctors office. When they meet with the doctor he says "We need to do a full workup and run some tests. I'm going to need a u**... sample, a stool sample and a s**... sample". The old man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and says "eh?". His wife just rolls her eyes and says "Frank, just give him your underwear!"
Joe goes down to the docks...(long)
... to look for a job. He sees three old sailors sitting on a bench in front of a large ship, having a conversation. As Joe walks past to them, he hears what they're saying.
- Number four! says the first sailor, and the other two starts to laugh.
- Number six! says the second one with a giggle, and the other two starts to laugh.
Joe is a little bit confused, so he walks up to them and asks:
- Hey! I heard what you were talking about, and I have to ask, what's so funny about some numbers?
- Well, says the third sailor, we have been out on the sea for more than thirty years. By this time we all know each other very well, so we decided to put numbers on our jokes instead re-telling them every time.
- That sounds a bit weird, says Joe.
- Maybe, says the second sailor, why don't you try for yourself?
- Okay then, number eightythree, Joe says.
All three sailors start to laugh really hard, one of them even falls of the bench and can hardly breathe.
- What was so funny about it? Joe asks.
Still giggling, the first sailor answers:
- Never heard that one before!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Did you hear about the woman who injected concrete into her buttocks?
Talk about hitting rock bottom.
ALTERNATE: What a hard-a**....
My second favorite joke that came to me in a dream.
Woke up thinking I had told this one to all of my friends and they thought it was truly dumb. I told it to them IRL anyway:
Everybody else went back to the hostel, so I ended up walking around Switzerland by myself at one in the morning. I'm passing this bar when I hear people cheering. I could use a drink so I pop in, and I find all of the chairs pushed aside, and there's a guy in the middle of the floor juggling big slabs of beef. Right? So I grab a beer and sit down to watch, and it's actually, just, mesmerizing. The meat is raw, so it's sort of rippling through the air, fascinating to watch. I heard the guy next to me speak English, so I lean over and I ask him if this is primarily a Swiss sport or what. He says, "Yeah, it's hard to get people interested in sirloin juggling. You're not likely to make any money or even make a name for yourself, and yet the steaks are so high."
So I have this friend Jonathan...
Jon's been on a bit of a dry spell with the ladies lately. I suppose I should tell you a bit about Jonathan. He's a bit hard of hearing, but the ladies still love him despite that and his slightly diminutive stature, probably because he's usually the life of the party, buying drinks, etc. Anyway, back to the problem at hand.
We went to lunch the other day at a nice, quiet cafe. We started chatting about the usual, work, sports, whatever, but it came clear that Jon actually had invited me to give him some advice. He told me about his dry spell and of course I wanted to get to the root of the problem. A few minutes pass in silence. Finally, I ask, "Can I ask you a question?"
"WHAT?"
(Oh right, the hearing thing) "I said, CAN I ASK YOU A QUESTION?"
"OK!"
"WHY DO YOU KEEP GETTING TURNED DOWN?"
"TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT!?"
Lindsay Lohan got her blouse dirty...
..and had to take it to the dry cleaners. She says "I need to get this cleaned" to the man behind the counter. The man who was hard of hearing replies "come again?", Lindsay responds "No, mustard".
Did you guys hear about the Great Potato Famine in Ireland?
Seriously, how hard is it to feed your potatoes?
A man hard of hearing flies to Indonesia to cure his arthritis...
He returns without luck, determined to give the doctor a piece of his mind, but the doctor corrects him: "I said that the most threatening inflammation was *in your knees again*.
Why can't you hear a dog whistle?
Because they have a hard time puckering their lips the right way.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So, get this. My friend was over at my house the other day for dinner, and starts screaming at me "Eating meat is m**...!"
Or she may have been screaming "Eating me is m**...!" It's hard to hear through the oven.
A man walks into a bar and sees a tiny man playing a tiny piano.
He asks the bartender about it and is tould that there is a genie in the bar that will give a one a free wish. Then, the bartender tells him that somebody asked for a million bucks the day before but was instead given a million ducks, so the genie must be hard of hearing. So the man asks the bartender "what did you ask for" and the bartender said "do you really think that I asked for a twelve inch pianist."
Did you hear that Bruce Willis is going to star in a movie where he goes undercover as an elderly nun?
It's called Old Habits Die Hard
Irishman and a Texan
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back. The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer.
One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. Is your bet still good? , asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone? .
The Irishman replies, Oh…I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first .
A Texan walks into an Irish pub...
and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."
The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Ten minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 10 minutes you were gone?"
The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".
I don't think that's a drool stain.
A pretty young girl goes into a her local dry-cleaners with an evening dress under her arm. She shows the dress to the old man behind the counter and asks
"It's really not too dirty except for this one stain, can you take care of the stain for me, please?"
The old man is hard of hearing and says
"Come again?"
The girl replies
"No, just some mustard."
A lady walks into a dry cleaners...
...she's carrying a beautiful black dress. She tells the clerk, "I'll need to pick this up tomorrow."
The clerk, hard of hearing and distracted, innocently asks, "come again?"
Unfazed, she replies, "No. Vanilla ice cream this time."
How do you sell a chicken to someone who is hard of hearing?
HEY! DO YOU WANT TO BUY A CHICKEN!?!?!
The Dad joke pay-off [not actually a joke, sorry]
Dad, a little after lunchtime: "Are you hungry?"
Son: "No."
D. "Really? You've hardly had anything to eat all day."
S. "Okay, really I am, but I don't want to say it because then you'll do that joke again."
Son hates joke so much he would rather go hungry than risk hearing it one more time. Now my legacy is in place, I may die a happy man.
Three hard-of-hearing friends are sitting together on a bench.
One says "Wow, it sure is windy."
Another corrects, "No, it's Thursday."
The last one says "So am I, let's go inside and drink some tea."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A little boy is hit by a bus...
...and things are not looking good. So an old lady leans over and says to the boy:
"Son you got hit pretty bad, I know it's hard to hear the truth but I'm afraid you might meet Jesus soon. Would you like to see a priest?"
To which the little boy replies:
"How can you think about s**... in a time like this?"
I asked my hard-of-hearing dad if he could remember the other unit for a Joule per second...
"What?!"
"Thanks!"
Not only are Hamilton tickets hard to get, I hear they are expensive.
I wouldn't pay more than one Pence to see it.
My wife has cancer and the doctor has prescribed heavy morphine doses for the pain and distress.
It works, when I have taken them I can hardly hear her crying at all.
3 men, hard of hearing: "Its Windy out, isn't it?"
"No, it's Thursday", responds the second; to which the third replies "Me too, let's go grab a beer".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Did you hear about the obscenely hard gardening class required for botany majors?
It was said to be a w**... out class
Called my doctor about hearing loss, he asked me what were the symptoms.
I told him it was a show on Fox about an abusive alcoholic father, but that's hardly relevant.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The hard of hearing s**......
got really disappointed when he finally arrived at his uncle's wheat farm.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
10-inch BIC
Two guys are out fishing on a boat when one of them wants to have a smoke.
1: You got a lighter?
2: Yes. *pulls out a 10 inch long BIC lighter*
1: Woah, where'd you get that!?
2: I have a personal genie.
1: Cool! Can I make a wish?
2: Sure, just be very clear, he's a bit hard of hearing. *Summons genie*
1: I wish for a million bucks!
*The genie snaps his fingers and a million ducks fly overhead.*
1: Wow, your genie really s**... at hearing.
2: I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC?
Winston goes to church
Winston goes to church and the vicar says "What's wrong my son?"
Winston says "I want you to pray for my hearing".
The vicar puts his hands on Winston's ears and prays hard for ten minutes.
"So how is your hearing?" asks the vicar.
"I don't know", says Winston, "it isn't until next Wednesday".
The Justice League has a vacancy and the number 7 is interviewing to fill a superhero position...
Batman: Thank you for coming, 7. Its been rough since the Flash took off and we're having a hard time finding someone to replace him. Let's get right to it. What is your first power?
Number 7: Well, for my whole life I've been in prime condition and I don't anticipate that changing anytime soon.
Bathman: That's great to hear. What do you consider your second power to be?
Number 7: 49
As a man who's hard of hearing, I'm terrified
What's all this talk about Nut Neuter Reality?
Today i met a guy who has been married for 57 years
Today i met a guy who has been married for 57 years, myself who has struggled with the infancy of marriage I couldn't help but ask,
"So sir, what is the secret to a happy and long lasting marriage?"
His reply,
"You will have to speak up, I'm hard of hearing"
Bringing her home to meet mother
I told my new girlfriend that my mother was very hard of hearing and that she should speak loud and slow. I told my mother that my girlfriend was mentally challenged and to please be polite.
I'm looking forward to Christmas dinner.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
When you hear kids playing outside, sometimes it's hard to tell if they're having fun or being brutally murdered.
I just sit and pray for m**....
Did you hear about the pornstar that died while on the set?
Her co-workers have been taking it pretty hard.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
New Year and my hard of hearing aunt hired a new chef for her new chain of baker's.
But Louis c**... is not the master baker she thinks he is.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman gets home from work and hears her husband call out from the bedroom...
Husband: can you come here and help me with this clock?
The woman walks in the room and sees her husband sitting at the edge of their bed with a r**... hard-on
Wife: thats not a clock
Husband: it will be when you put two hands and a face on it.
Did you hear about the new fashion trend of sticky clothing?
Its popular, but its really hard to pull off.
Did you hear about the guy who put on a clean pair of socks every day of the week?
By Friday he could hardly get his shoes on.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I loved watching "Leave it to b**..."
Just so I could hear June say "Gosh Ward, you sure were hard on the b**... last night"
Your mum told me to tell you that...
She loves you.
At least I think that's what she said. It was hard to hear her properly with her mouth full.
Why do adrenaline junkies dig conventions for the hard of hearing ?
It's always a near deaf experience.
A pony walks into a bar
Says to the bartender Let me get one Apple martini
bartender leans in closer and says what?
Pony says one. Apple martini, please .
Bartender asks, something about a Bikini?
Pony starts to get a little frustrated but manages to say a little louder now ONE APPLE MARTINI
Bartender said oh! It's hard to hear you, you're a little horse
Joe goes to church and starts praying hard. The pastor comes up and asks: 'what's wrong?'
Joe says: "I want you to pray for my hearing."
The pastor puts his hands on Joe's ears and starts shaking and praying hard for ten minutes.
Pastor says: "So how's your hearing" ?
Joe says: "I don't know, it's not till next Monday."
If I gather my material, wood you like to hear a joke?
I sure wood, but it's steel hard to come up with one.
If it's hard to come up with a joke...
Yew can always resort to tree puns; I hear they're pretty poplar these days.
Did you hear about the old intercontinental ballistic missile that couldn't get hard...
He had projectile dysfunction.
Did you hear about the impotent monkey?
No matter how hard he tried he couldn't come off his tree.
Is Brett Kavanaugh hard of hearing or something?
Everytime he hears a testimony, he just keeps asking, "Pardon? Pardon?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I have a s**... f**... but...
But that just means I get hard when I hear unintelligible jazz singing
Patient: So, do you think me being hard of hearing has contributed to my bird phobia?
Doctor: maybe a smidgen.
Patient: WHAT?!? WHERE?!?
Did you hear about the really forgiving guy who was rendered impotent in an accident?
There were no hard feelings.
Did you hear about the legless alcoholic nun?
Try as hard as she might, she just couldn't kick her habit.
I finally got such a roof box for the car.
I finally got such a roof box for the car. Really practical, I have to say. You hardly hear the children anymore.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There once was a guy with a f**... for loud sounds
he was hard at hearing
Did you hear about the soldier who got fired?
His superiors had a hard time finding a man of similar caliber.
A soldier was having a psychiatric test prior to discharge.
The psychiatrist asked, "Tell me, Private, what would happen if I cut off one of your ears?"
"It would be hard to hear", replied the soldier.
"Good", said the psychiatrist. "What would happen If I cut off your other ear?"
"I wouldn't be able to see."
"That's interesting , why do you say that?"
"Because my cap would fall over my eyes."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A judge walks out of his courtroom in Soviet Russia chuckling to himself.
Another judge stops him and says, "What's so funny?"
"I just heard this funny political joke in my courtroom." the first judge says.
"Really?" says the second judge, "Tell it to me, I want to hear it."
The first judge says, "No way. I gave the poor guy 20 years hard labor for it."
Well Done?
Kevin was furious when his steak arrived cooked too rare.
'Waiter,' Kevin shouted, 'Didn't you hear me say "well done"?'
'Of course I did, sir, I can't thank you enough, sir,' replied the waiter. 'I hardly ever get a compliment.'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A blonde joke
A blonde gets an opportunity to fly to a nearby country. She has never been on an airplane anywhere and was very excited and tense. As soon as she boarded the plane, a Boeing-747, she started jumping in excitement, running over seat to seat and starts shouting, "BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO....."
She sort of forgets where she is, even the pilot in the c**...-pit hears the noise. Annoyed by the goings on, the Pilot comes out and shouts "BE SILENT!"
There was pin-drop silence everywhere and everybody is looking at the blonde and the angry Pilot. She stared at the pilot in silence for a moment, concentrated really hard, and all of a sudden started shouting,"OEING! OEING! OEING! OE...."
My Father in Law is hard of hearing, and he told me an original joke about hearing aids
Or at least he said he'd never heard it before.
I told my deaf girlfriend that we should see other people.
She said that was hard to hear.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Did you hear about the medusa who was smokin' hot?
One look at her made every man rock hard
