The Best 80 Hard Jokes
Looking for a good laugh? Check out our collection of hard jokes! These funny jokes are sure to get you laughing out loud.
Top 10 Funniest Hard Jokes and Puns
My dad died last year when my family couldn't remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him
As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him
Harry Potter has way too many characters...
Even J.K. Rowling has a hard time keeping all the characters straight.
A blonde mom is cooking dinner when her blonde daughter walks in
The daughter asks, "Mom, why do people think we blondes are stupid?"
Her mother replies, "I'll show you", and taps hard on the kitchen counter.
Somewhat confused, the blonde daughter says, "Someone's at the door!".
The blonde mother laughs. "This is why people think we're stupid. Now watch over the stove for me while I answer the door."
My boss pulled up to work today in his brand new Lincoln
As he got out of the car, I said to him "wow, that's a nice car!" He notices my admiration and says "Well, you know what? If you work hard, and put in the hours, I'll have an even better one next year."
A married couple of 20 years are lying in bed
The man rolled over and said to his wife, "Hey, honey, I have a hard on that I just can't get rid of. Think you wanna help?"
The wife turned around and stripped naked.
The husband then rolled back over, closed his eyes, and said, "thanks, honey, that did the trick!"
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs...
Because they always take things literally.
There were 2 blondes...
So I was sat on my porch one day and I saw 2 blondes working hard at the end of the street. One was digging a hole and the other would fill it in immediately after the first was done. This went on for about 2 hours until I walked over and said "Hey, you two are working pretty hard there, but I don't understand what you are trying to achieve?"
To which one of the blondes replied "Well there's usually 3 of us, but the one who plants the trees is off sick today".
Told by a 7 year old boy: How do you drop on an egg on a concrete floor without cracking it.
Concrete floors are really hard to crack.
Then he said "you were thinking about the egg weren't you!"
What's the hardest part breaking up with a Japanese girlfriend?
You have to drop the bomb on her twice before she gets it.
Nudist colony
Q- How can you tell the blind guy at a nudist colony?
A- It's not hard.
Q- Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
A- The one carrying a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
Q- Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
A- The one who can eat the last donut.
A piece of toast and a hard boiled egg walked into a bar.....
The bartender says " Sorry, we don't serve breakfast here".
You can explore hard hard water reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean hard hard boiled egg dad jokes. There are also hard puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
A man walks into a job interview...
He sits down on a chair, and the interviewer starts questioning him.
"So son, where did you receive your education?"
The man replied "Yale".
The interviewer, pleasantly surprised, says "Yale? Hard to believe you went to Yale to become a janitor. So what's your name?"
The man replied "Yack Yackson".
My boss was honest with me today.
He pulled up to work with his sweet new car this morning and I complimented him on it. He replied, "Well, if you work hard, set goals, stay determined and put in long hours, I can get an even better one next year."
What did the egg say to the boiling water?
It's gonna take me a little while to get hard, I just got laid by this chick.
How do find the blind man at the nudist colony?
It's not hard.
What does a polish bride get on her wedding night that is long and hard?
a new last name
Two boys are in the woods...
...They were walking when they noticed two girls getting naked in a nearby pond. One kid bolted the other way and the other one chased after him. "Why did you leave man! That was the prime opportunity for us to see naked chicks!" Then the other kid said "well, my mom said if I ever see a naked girl before I'm married, I'll turn to stone and I felt something getting hard!"
My 4 year old son just got me with a dad joke I hadn't heard before.
My son was playing with his teenage mutant ninja turtle action figures, and was making them fight each other.
Me: "Where are their weapons? Are they just fighting with their bare hands?"
Son: "No, they are fighting with their turtle hands."
Doesn't have a clue why I was laughing so hard.
Lying in bed, my girlfriend turned to me and said
"You're a lot like a math exam."
I replied "Why? Because I'm long and hard?"
She said, "No, I'm cheating on you with an Asian."
Why are redneck murders so hard to solve?
There's no dental records and all the DNA matches
What's long, hard and bendable and contains the letters p, e, n, i, s?
Your spine
My boss said to me, "you're the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?"
I said, "I'm not sure; it's hard to keep track."
What's the hardest part when your ex tells you she is HIV positive
Trying to act surprised.
How do you find a blind guy at a nude beach?
It's not hard
What's the hardest part of making a vegan pizza?
Skinning the vegan.
As he inserted the rectal thermometer [nsfw]
As he inserted the rectal thermometer, I got a painfully hard and obvious erection
"Maybe you should wait outside whilst I examine your dog," said the vet.
![Hard joke, As he inserted the rectal thermometer [nsfw]](/images/jokes/hard-jokes-the-sexiest-mythological-creature-is-medusan-n-whe.jpg "Hard joke, As he inserted the rectal thermometer [nsfw]")
A wife comes home late one night
She quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"
The surgeon general warns, "do not run while smoking marijuana".
It's hard on your joints.
I'm 60 days clean now.
It's been hard showering every day, but thankfully I had heroin to help me through it.
Mahatma Gandhi was a strange person.
He walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. He often went on hunger strikes, and even when he wasn't on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. He also was a very spiritual person. Finally, because he didn't eat much and when he did his diet was peculiar, he developed very smelly breath.
He eventually became known as a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
Husband: "I want a divorce...
My wife hasn't spoken to me in six months"
Lawyer: "Think about it once again.Wives like that are hard to find."
I told my son he couldn't get a fidget spinner because his dad and I have tried so hard to make sure he didn't become autistic...
Unfortunately he died of measles a couple days ago
My boss arrived at work in a brand-new Lamborghini.
I said, "Wow, that's an amazing car!"
He replied, "If you work hard, put all your hours in, and strive for excellence, I'll get another one next year".
Braille isn't that hard to learn...
You just have to get a feel for it
I like the smell of mothballs.
But it can sometimes be hard getting their little legs apart.
Guys come on, we shouldn't give fat people such a hard time.
They have enough on their plate already.
I really love playing chess with elderly people in the park.
It's just really hard to find thirty two of them willing to do it .
A boy is loudly praying, "God please give me a bicycle."
His mom asks, "why are you praying so loudly? God isn't hard of hearing."
The boy replies, "yes but grandma is."
An idiot has a mirror in his closet
He wakes up one night and opens the closet and he sees himself. Scared, he quickly calls the cops
"Police! There's a burglar in my closet, come quickly!"
A police man arrives at the idiots house and opens the closet and finds the mirror. He takes a step back and slaps the idiot as hard as he can
"Why did you call me when you already had a policeman inside?!"
What's the hardest thing about dating a blind woman?
Getting her husband's voice just right
Raising children is hard as a trans parent
They see right through me
Quantum entanglement is not hard to understand:
Socks come in pairs. If you put a sock on your left foot, the other sock of the pair instantly becomes the right sock, no matter where it is located in the universe.
Dolphin joke...made it up myself today. :)
An aquarium guide brought a group of visitors around to see the dolphins, which were split up into two tanks. In the first tank the dolphins were all having fun, playing around with a beach ball. In the second tank the dolphins were training, working hard on a new trick. One of the visitors asked the guide, "So is this tank for the more serious dolphins?" The guide said, "Yes, for all intensive porpoises."
A school teacher in Hyderabad was once asked, "Can you make a sentence without using 'E'?"
"I doubt I can. It's a major part of many many words. Omitting it is as hard as making muffins without flour. It's as hard as spitting without saliva, napping without a pillow, driving a train without tracks, sailing to Russia without a boat, washing your hands without soap. And, anyway, what would I gain? An award? A cash bonus? Bragging rights? Why should I strain my brain? It's not worth it."
My wife and I decided to not have kids
the kids took it pretty hard
This farmer was telling me about how brilliant his sheepdog was at maths,
"Watch this," he said. "Shep, what's seven plus two, "
And the dog barked ten times.
"OK, Shep, what's fifteen plus four. "
And the dog barked twenty times.
"He's very good, " I replied, but he's a little over. "
"Yeah, " answered the farmer, "old habits die hard, he's just rounding them up. "
For my birthday, the only thing I got was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I find that very hard to deal with.
A guy walking to library and asks for a book on sea turtles.
The librarian asks "hard back?"
The guy replies "yeah little heads too."
I don't get why people say cancer is hard to beat
I'm already on Stage 4
"This is the hardest part of our job," said the police officer after Adam was pronounced dead in the accident.
"Yeah, but break the news slowly. His wife is a very sensitive person."
The police officer knocks on the door and Adam's wife opens it.
"Are you Adam's widow?" said the police.
A man is drinking in a bar when a nun harasses him about drinking.
In self-defense the man says, Who told you that drinking is bad?
Nun : "Mother Superior told me."
Man : "So, have you ever tried it?"
Nun : "No, I haven't ever taken a drink of hard liquor."
Man : "Well, don't criticize me if you haven't tried it. I'll tell you what if you try it and don't like it, I'll give up drinking for life."
Nun : "Okay but bring it in a tea cup. I don't want people thinking I'm drinking."
The man goes up to the bartender and says, Bring me a couple of shots of vodka but bring one of them in a tea cup.
The bartender looked at the man and said, Is that nun in here again?
What did the egg say to the pot of boiling water?
It might take me a minute to get hard, I just got laid this morning.
Recently got a second job as a bartender at a stripclub.
Ive never worked so hard before in my life.
After 37 years I'm finally ready to retire with $5,000,000 I've accumulated through hard work, careful saving, living a life of simple means...
...and the death of an uncle who left me $4,999,996.50
Albert Einstein challenged Mr. Bean
Einstein said to Mr. Bean: "I'll ask you a question.If you can't answer correctly, you'll give me one dollar. Then you ask me a question. If I can't answer correctly, I'll give you 1000 dollars.
Einstein: asks a question.
Mr. Bean after a little while: gives Einstein one dollar.
Einstein says: Okay, it's your turn.
Mr. Bean asks: What's an animal that has four legs, but when it's crossing a street, it has three legs and when it's on the other side of the street, it has only two?
Einstein: Thinks hard for a while.
Einstein says: I give up. *Gives 1000 dollars to Mr. Bean*
Einstein asks: What is it?
Mr. Bean: gives a dollar to Einstein.
The sexiest mythological creature is Medusa
Whenever I see her I get rock hard
Why are crimes in the 'Deep South' so hard to solve?
There's no dental records & all the DNA matches...
Don't give me excuses, I wrote the book on excuses!
Well, I started to, I mean, Its hard, and I got a lot to do...
Three dinosaurs are running across the desert when they stumble across a magic lamp.
They rub it, and a genie appears.
"I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces.
The first dinosaur thinks hard.
"Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat."
Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appears in front of him.
Not to be outdone, the second dinosaur thinks even harder.
"I know! I'll have a shower of meat!"
Immediately, huge pieces of meat rain down around him.
The third dinosaur, certainly not to be outdone, thinks harder than the previous dinosaurs.
"I've got it!" he cries, "I want a MEATIER shower!"
Why is it so hard to do inventory in Afghanistan?
Because of the tally-ban.
two hardcore trump supporters die and ascend to heaven.
God meets them at the pearly gates and asks if they have any questions.
One of them says, yes, what were the real results of the 2020 election and who was behind the fraud? .
God says, "my son, there was no fraud. Biden won the electoral college fair and square, 306 to 232 .
After a few seconds of stunned silence, the one guy turns to the other and whispers, This goes higher up than we thought .
A Husband and Wife at Custody court
The judge looks sternly at the ex wife.
Judge: why do you think you deserve custody of the child?
Ex wife: I brought him into this world so I should have custody of him
Judge: that is a simple yet good reason.
Then the judge looks towards the Ex husband.
Judge: why do you think you deserve custody of the child, sir?
The ex husband thought long and hard about his response, after a brief moment of silence. He replies
Ex Husband: if I put money into a Pepsi machine and a Pepsi comes out. Is it mine or the machines?
A Collie was talking about how hard he works on the farm where he lives.
A nearby sheep piped up 'YOU don't work hard, all you do is boss US around.' 'WHAT DID YOU SAY' shouted the collie. 'You herd me' the sheep replied
A blonde woman called her brunette friend. "I'm doing a jigsaw puzzle at my apartment, but it's way too hard for me!"
"What's the jigsaw supposed to be?" asks the brunette.
"According to the box," says the blonde, "it's supposed to be a rooster."
When the brunette arrives at the blonde's apartment, she looks at the puzzle pieces. Then she look at the box. Then she says to the blonde, "I'm afraid you will not be able to make anything even remotely resembling a rooster."
This makes the blonde furious. "Calm down," says the brunette. "Once you are relaxed, we can start putting the corn flakes back into the box."
I'm 25 years old and finally decided to tell my parents and the rest of my family that I don't want kids
The look on my mom and dad's face was pretty judgmental, but my wife and two children took it really, really hard.
Corona must have hit India hard...
I´ve not recieved a single phone call this week from
Microsoft to warn me about a virus on my computer.
Why's it so hard to solve a redneck murder?
Cause the DNA's all the same and there ain't no dental records.
A high school senior visits a psychic...
"I've applied to 10 different colleges," the student said. "Which ones will accept me? Which one will I attend?"
"That is hard to say," said the psychic. "But you will spend an absurd sum of money."
"How do you know this?" the student asked.
The psychic replied,
"It's mostly intuition."
My boss arrived at work in a brand new Lamborghini. I said wow that's an amazing car.
If you work hard, put all your hours in, and strive for excellence, I'll get another one next year.
What do you call a little boy made of pasta who comes to life?
Pi-gnocchi-o
(I really wish you could hear how hard I'm laughing to myself)
my wife left me because i'm obssesed with africa
kenya believe it?
and we have two kids together, this divorce is ghana be so hard on them
A Muslim, a Buddhist and a Christian are forced to jump off a building
So the Buddhist man jumps first. He prays: Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha... When he reaches the ground, he lands safely.
The next one is the Muslim. He jumps, and prays: Inshallah, Inshallah, Inshallah... Upon reaching the ground, he smashes so hard and dies instantly.
The last one is the Christian man. He jumps and starts praying: O u r F a t h e r i n H e a v e n, hallowed be your name. YOUR KINGDOM COME! YOUR WILL... BUDDHA, BUDDHA, BUDDHA, BUDDHA!
A man has a vision of God
God says to the man "You may ask three questions of me."
The man thinks hard, and says "God, the universe is so old...how do you keep track of it?"
God says "My child, to me a million years is only one second."
The man thinks again, and says "God, why do so many rich people forget about you?"
God says, "My child, to me a million dollars is like one cent."
The man thinks again, and says "In that case, God, will you grant me one cent?"
God says "Of course, my child. Just wait a second."
Sam: Hey Dave, I saw something really weird last night in the woods.
Dave: Oh yeah? What'd you see?
Sam: We'll it's kinda hard to explain, except it looked like a group of older women gathered around a fire, doing these weird chants and they started to get naked.. I mean that could only mean one thing..
Dave: Which is?
Sam: Exactly
An apple a day keeps anyone away
If you throw it hard enough
What's the difference between a lawyer and head lice?
One is a blood sucking parasite that is hard to get out of your hair, and the other can be killed with a special shampoo.
A guy walks into a bar....
... and orders a pumpkin spice beer. "Have you decided on a Halloween costume yet?" the bartender asks. "Not yet. I was going to go as a bandaid, but I decided against it," the guy replies. "It's really hard to pull off."
I got invited to test a new car made entirely of spare computer parts
It was a hard drive
In the dark of night, I fear vampires, but, when the first light of day breaks, I wonder why I had ever been afraid
It's hard to take vampires seriously after Twilight.
I'm always hard at work
Thankfully no one's noticed.
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the hard hard rock puns are supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working hard hard money piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.