Hard Jokes
162 hard jokes and hilarious hard puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about hard that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Looking for a good laugh? Check out our collection of hard jokes! These funny jokes are sure to get you laughing out loud.
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Funniest Hard Short Jokes
Short hard jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The hard humour may include short heavy jokes also.
- My dad died last year when my family couldn't remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him
- Harry Potter has way too many characters... Even J.K. Rowling has a hard time keeping all the characters straight.
- My boss said to me, "you're the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?" I said, "I'm not sure; it's hard to keep track."
- Corona must have hit India hard... I´ve not recieved a single phone call this week from
Microsoft to warn me about a virus on my computer. - my wife left me because i'm obssesed with africa kenya believe it?
and we have two kids together, this divorce is ghana be so hard on them - I really love playing chess with elderly people in the park. It's just really hard to find thirty two of them willing to do it .
- My boss arrived at work in a brand new Lamborghini. I said wow that's an amazing car. If you work hard, put all your hours in, and strive for excellence, I'll get another one next year.
- What did the egg say to the boiling water? It's gonna take me a little while to get hard, I just got laid by this chick.
- Told by a 7 year old boy: How do you drop on an egg on a concrete floor without cracking it. concrete floors are really hard to crack.
Then he said "you were thinking about the egg weren't you!" - My boss said to me, You're the worst train conductor we have ever had. How many derailments have you had this year? I said, I'm not sure; it's hard to keep track.
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Hard One Liners
Which hard one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with hard? I can suggest the ones about soft and rough.
- The sexiest mythological creature is Medusa Whenever I see her I get rock hard
- I don't get why people say cancer is hard to beat I'm already on Stage 4
- What does a polish bride get on her wedding night that is long and hard? a new last name
- Raising children is hard as a trans parent They see right through me
- How do find the blind man at the nudist colony? It's not hard.
- When I was young, I was poor. After many years of hard work, I am no longer young.
- Braille isn't that hard to learn... You just have to get a feel for it
- What's long, hard and bendable and contains the letters p, e, n, i, s? Your spine
- Why is it so hard to do inventory in Afghanistan? Because of the tally-ban.
- It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs... Because they always take things literally.
- My wife and I decided to not have kids the kids took it pretty hard
- Why did Bilbo Baggins live for so long? Because old Hobbits die hard...
- Friend: "how hard is it to get upvotes on reddit?" I told him it was a piece of cake.
- Why do Romans always have a hard time ending relationships? Their X is always a 10.
- To who ever put the "L" in Noel Is it that hard to follow simple instructions?
Working Hard Jokes
Here is a list of funny working hard jokes and even better working hard puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- After 37 years I'm finally ready to retire with $5,000,000 I've accumulated through hard work, careful saving, living a life of simple means... ...and the death of an uncle who left me $4,999,996.50
- It must be hard for women to work in the postal service. It's such a MAIL dominated industry.
- Let's all take a moment to Thank Amber Heard's team of Lawyers for their efforts and hard work to prove Johnny Depp's innocence.
- David was hard at work... it was really quite awkward for his coworkers.
- I got fired from my job.. ..for being a pervert
I don't understand why, though, I'm always hard at work. - I used to suffer from depression but through hard work, persistence, and never giving up I now suffer from anxiety and depression
- When I was young I was poor, but after decades of hard work I'm no longer young.
- I always wanted to be an exorcist So I studied and worked real hard to become an orcist. Then I quit.
- An employee tells his boss... Hey, that's a nice car you have there.
The boss looks at him and says:
Work hard, stay after hours, and next year, it'll be even nicer. - I used to live paycheck to paycheck But now I can happily say that after years of hard work and perseverance; I now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
Hard Man Jokes
Here is a list of funny hard man jokes and even better hard man puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A man walks into a library... And he asks "Excuse me, is The Big Book of Turtles in?"
"Hard back?"
"Yeah, with little heads" - Medusa was the hottest woman ever. Every man who looked at her got rock hard.
- How do you spot a blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard.
- Becoming a garbage man isn't hard.... you just pick it up as you go along.
^^^*I'm* ^^^*terribly* ^^^*sorry* - A young woman walks into a dry cleaner She asks the elderly owner inspecting her blouse how long it would take to clean.
Hard of hearing the man asks, "come again?"
She responds, "No, it's yogurt" - The man who wrote the hokie pokie died recently They had a real hard time trying to fit him into the coffin though.
It all started when they put his right leg in.. - What does a Polish man give his wife on their wedding night that's long and hard? His last name
- A man diagnosed with cancer was given six months to live, but he worked hard and proved them wrong. He killed himself three hours later.
- I told my date that a man like me is hard to find, and she didn't believe me. So I said, "Just ask the police."
- How do you spot a blind man at a nudist beach? It's not hard
Hard Day Jokes
Here is a list of funny hard day jokes and even better hard day puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I told my son he couldn't get a fidget spinner because his dad and I have tried so hard to make sure he didn't become autistic... Unfortunately he died of measles a couple days ago
- My dad died this day last year because we didn't know his blood type to get a transfusion.. As he was dying he kept saying be positive but it was just so hard without him :/
- What does a German bride get from her husband on her wedding day that is long and hard? A new last name.
- They Say "Do what you love and you'll never work a day in your life". Sure enough... All of these felony convictions are making it awfully hard to get a job.
- Why is Christmas just like another day in the office? Because you do all the hard work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.
- What do Polish men give their wives on their wedding day that's long and hard? Their last name.
- I was driving around in my tricycle all day I worked it so hard, it lost a wheel. The tricycle is two tired now.
- I would like to be poor one day. Because being poor everyday it's hard...
- I learned the other day that a group of baboons is called a Congress I found it extremely insulting to the hard work and productivity of baboons.
- I saw a bumper sticker the other day that said "Work hard, Pray hard".... I couldn't tell if there were Christians or Asians.
Long And Hard Jokes
Here is a list of funny long and hard jokes and even better long and hard puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Lying in bed, my girlfriend turned to me and said "You're a lot like a math exam."
I replied "Why? Because I'm long and hard?"
She said, "No, I'm cheating on you with an Asian." - What's something long and hard that every Polish woman receives on the night of her wedding? A new last name!
- My wifi password is Thorironmanhulkscarletwitchvisionhawkeyecaptainamericathanos. I know that's hard to remember, but it had to be at least eight characters long.
- What's long and hard on a black guy His prison sentence
I hope this hasn't been said before, I half came up with this all by my lonesome - I've thought long and hard, and have decided on my New Year's resolution. 3840x2160
- For those people who still carry their selfie stick with them on their travels, I have one thing to say. I hope you take a long hard look at yourself.
- My girlfriend asked for something long and hard for her birthday. So I got her a Chess set.
- Women who marry Polish men get something long and hard on their wedding day. A new last name.
- A literary analysis asked why Bilbo had such a long life, even for a hobbit. I answered: Because old hobbits die hard.
- What does a Polish man give to his bride on their wedding day that's both long and hard? His surname
Cheerful Hard Jokes for Unforgettable Laughter with Friends!
What funny jokes about hard you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean tough jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make hard pranks.
A blonde mom is cooking dinner when her blonde daughter walks in
The daughter asks, "Mom, why do people think we blondes are s**...?"
Her mother replies, "I'll show you", and taps hard on the kitchen counter.
Somewhat confused, the blonde daughter says, "Someone's at the door!".
The blonde mother laughs. "This is why people think we're s**.... Now watch over the stove for me while I answer the door."
My boss pulled up to work today in his brand new Lincoln
As he got out of the car, I said to him "wow, that's a nice car!" He notices my admiration and says "Well, you know what? If you work hard, and put in the hours, I'll have an even better one next year."
An old lady was tired of her hard life and wanted to commit s**....
She decided the best way to die was to shoot herself through the heart, but she doesn't know where the heart is. So she called her doctor and asked.
The doctor told her the heart is located 2 inches below the left n**....
The old lady hung up and shot herself in her knee.
My favourite Haiku
Space is limited
In a haiku, so it's hard
To finish what you
A married couple of 20 years are lying in bed
The man rolled over and said to his wife, "Hey, honey, I have a hard on that I just can't get rid of. Think you wanna help?"
The wife turned around and stripped n**....
The husband then rolled back over, closed his eyes, and said, "thanks, honey, that did the trick!"
There were 2 blondes...
So I was sat on my porch one day and I saw 2 blondes working hard at the end of the street. One was digging a hole and the other would fill it in immediately after the first was done. This went on for about 2 hours until I walked over and said "Hey, you two are working pretty hard there, but I don't understand what you are trying to achieve?"
To which one of the blondes replied "Well there's usually 3 of us, but the one who plants the trees is off sick today".
Must be one-of-a-kind...
Years ago, my older friend told me a joke that I have never heard from anyone else to this day. The joke itself is brilliantly s**....
"What did the egg say to the p**... of boiling water?"
"It's going to take a moment for me to get hard; I just got laid by some chick."
What's the hardest part breaking up with a Japanese girlfriend?
You have to drop the bomb on her twice before she gets it.
A piece of toast and a hard boiled egg walked into a bar.....
The bartender says " Sorry, we don't serve breakfast here".
A man walks into a job interview...
He sits down on a chair, and the interviewer starts questioning him.
"So son, where did you receive your education?"
The man replied "Yale".
The interviewer, pleasantly surprised, says "Yale? Hard to believe you went to Yale to become a janitor. So what's your name?"
The man replied "Yack Yackson".
My boss was honest with me today.
He pulled up to work with his sweet new car this morning and I complimented him on it. He replied, "Well, if you work hard, set goals, stay determined and put in long hours, I can get an even better one next year."
Went to the hardware store today...
I picked up a can of insecticide and asked the guy behind the counter if this was good for ants.
Old man says "nope, it'll kill em"
Two boys are in the woods...
...They were walking when they noticed two girls getting n**... in a nearby pond. One kid bolted the other way and the other one chased after him. "Why did you leave man! That was the prime opportunity for us to see n**... chicks!" Then the other kid said "well, my mom said if I ever see a n**... girl before I'm married, I'll turn to stone and I felt something getting hard!"
My 4 year old son just got me with a dad joke I hadn't heard before.
My son was playing with his teenage mutant ninja turtle action figures, and was making them fight each other.
Me: "Where are their weapons? Are they just fighting with their bare hands?"
Son: "No, they are fighting with their turtle hands."
Doesn't have a clue why I was laughing so hard.
A man goes to the doctor with a terrible rash on his nuts
The doctor says, "well you'll have to stop m**...". Man says "why?"
Doctor says, "because it's making it really hard to examine you"
Why are r**... murders so hard to solve?
There's no dental records and all the DNA matches
I s**... identify as a brick.
I'm always hard and I've only been laid once.
A little boy is hit by a bus...
...and things are not looking good. So an old lady leans over and says to the boy:
"Son you got hit pretty bad, I know it's hard to hear the truth but I'm afraid you might meet Jesus soon. Would you like to see a priest?"
To which the little boy replies:
"How can you think about s**... in a time like this?"
A co-worker found out I'm 'semi-retired.' "What's that like?" he asked.
"It's like being semi-e**.... It ain't too hard, but you still can't do what you want."
Original content, as far as I know. I actually said this at work today. We laughed and laughed. Then I cried a little.
What did the egg say to the boiling water?
"Sorry, it's going to take me a while to get hard, I got laid last night."
A man goes to the dentist with some broken teeth...
The dentist asks the man what happened, to which the man responds saying:
"My wife cooked some chicken and roti (Indian flatbread) but the bread was very hard and stiff."
The dentist replied: "You should have told her the bread was too hard and refused to eat it"
To which the man responds:
"Man, that's exactly what I did!"
(A joke originally told to me by my grandfather in Urdu)
What's the hardest part when your ex tells you she is h**... positive
Trying to act surprised.
How do you find a blind guy at a n**... beach?
It's not hard
What's the hardest part of making a vegan pizza?
Skinning the vegan.
They say being a hostage is hard
But I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
As he inserted the r**... thermometer [n**...]
As he inserted the r**... thermometer, I got a painfully hard and obvious e**...
"Maybe you should wait outside whilst I examine your dog," said the vet.
A wife comes home late one night
She quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"
The surgeon general warns, "do not run while smoking m**...".
It's hard on your joints.
I'm 60 days clean now.
It's been hard showering every day, but thankfully I had h**... to help me through it.
Mahatma Gandhi was a strange person.
He walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. He often went on hunger strikes, and even when he wasn't on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. He also was a very spiritual person. Finally, because he didn't eat much and when he did his diet was peculiar, he developed very smelly breath.
He eventually became known as a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
Husband: "I want a divorce...
My wife hasn't spoken to me in six months"
Lawyer: "Think about it once again.Wives like that are hard to find."
My boss arrived at work in a brand-new Lamborghini.
I said, "Wow, that's an amazing car!"
He replied, "If you work hard, put all your hours in, and strive for excellence, I'll get another one next year".
I like the smell of mothballs.
But it can sometimes be hard getting their little legs apart.
Guys come on, we shouldn't give fat people such a hard time.
They have enough on their plate already.
A boy is loudly praying, "God please give me a bicycle."
His mom asks, "why are you praying so loudly? God isn't hard of hearing."
The boy replies, "yes but grandma is."
An idiot has a mirror in his closet
He wakes up one night and opens the closet and he sees himself. Scared, he quickly calls the cops
"Police! There's a burglar in my closet, come quickly!"
A police man arrives at the idiots house and opens the closet and finds the mirror. He takes a step back and slaps the idiot as hard as he can
"Why did you call me when you already had a policeman inside?!"
What's the hardest thing about dating a blind woman?
Getting her husband's voice just right
My friend died when he couldn't remember his blood type
He kept saying "be positive", but it's hard without him.
Bringing her home to meet mother
I told my new girlfriend that my mother was very hard of hearing and that she should speak loud and slow. I told my mother that my girlfriend was mentally challenged and to please be polite.
I'm looking forward to Christmas dinner.
Quantum entanglement is not hard to understand:
Socks come in pairs. If you put a sock on your left foot, the other sock of the pair instantly becomes the right sock, no matter where it is located in the universe.
Dolphin joke...made it up myself today. :)
An aquarium guide brought a group of visitors around to see the dolphins, which were split up into two tanks. In the first tank the dolphins were all having fun, playing around with a beach ball. In the second tank the dolphins were training, working hard on a new trick. One of the visitors asked the guide, "So is this tank for the more serious dolphins?" The guide said, "Yes, for all intensive porpoises."
A school teacher in Hyderabad was once asked, "Can you make a sentence without using 'E'?"
"I doubt I can. It's a major part of many many words. Omitting it is as hard as making muffins without flour. It's as hard as spitting without saliva, napping without a pillow, driving a train without tracks, sailing to Russia without a boat, washing your hands without soap. And, anyway, what would I gain? An award? A cash bonus? Bragging rights? Why should I strain my brain? It's not worth it."
Three young boys are exploring the woods near a river
One of the boys is crouched behind a rock and is looking at something.
He calls the other two over to look with him.
In the river is a beautiful n**... woman bathing.
One of the boys immediately starts running in the other direction screaming.
What's wrong? Says one boy.
My mom told me if I ever saw a n**... woman I would turn to stone! He says And something's already turning hard!
This farmer was telling me about how brilliant his sheepdog was at maths,
"Watch this," he said. "Shep, what's seven plus two, "
And the dog barked ten times.
"OK, Shep, what's fifteen plus four. "
And the dog barked twenty times.
"He's very good, " I replied, but he's a little over. "
"Yeah, " answered the farmer, "old habits die hard, he's just rounding them up. "
For my birthday, the only thing I got was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I find that very hard to deal with.
A guy walking to library and asks for a book on sea turtles.
The librarian asks "hard back?"
The guy replies "yeah little heads too."
"This is the hardest part of our job," said the police officer after Adam was pronounced dead in the accident.
"Yeah, but break the news slowly. His wife is a very sensitive person."
The police officer knocks on the door and Adam's wife opens it.
"Are you Adam's widow?" said the police.
A man is drinking in a bar when a nun harasses him about drinking.
In self-defense the man says, Who told you that drinking is bad?
Nun : "Mother Superior told me."
Man : "So, have you ever tried it?"
Nun : "No, I haven't ever taken a drink of hard liquor."
Man : "Well, don't criticize me if you haven't tried it. I'll tell you what if you try it and don't like it, I'll give up drinking for life."
Nun : "Okay but bring it in a tea cup. I don't want people thinking I'm drinking."
The man goes up to the bartender and says, Bring me a couple of shots of v**... but bring one of them in a tea cup.
The bartender looked at the man and said, Is that nun in here again?
What did the egg say to the p**... of boiling water?
It might take me a minute to get hard, I just got laid this morning.
Recently got a second job as a bartender at a s**....
Ive never worked so hard before in my life.
Albert Einstein challenged Mr. Bean
Einstein said to Mr. Bean: "I'll ask you a question.If you can't answer correctly, you'll give me one dollar. Then you ask me a question. If I can't answer correctly, I'll give you 1000 dollars.
Einstein: asks a question.
Mr. Bean after a little while: gives Einstein one dollar.
Einstein says: Okay, it's your turn.
Mr. Bean asks: What's an animal that has four legs, but when it's crossing a street, it has three legs and when it's on the other side of the street, it has only two?
Einstein: Thinks hard for a while.
Einstein says: I give up. *Gives 1000 dollars to Mr. Bean*
Einstein asks: What is it?
Mr. Bean: gives a dollar to Einstein.
Why are crimes in the 'Deep South' so hard to solve?
There's no dental records & all the DNA matches...
Don't give me excuses, I wrote the book on excuses!
Well, I started to, I mean, Its hard, and I got a lot to do...
The creator of s**... innuendos just passed away
His wife is taking it really hard
Three dinosaurs are running across the desert when they stumble across a magic lamp.
They rub it, and a genie appears.
"I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces.
The first dinosaur thinks hard.
"Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat."
Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appears in front of him.
Not to be outdone, the second dinosaur thinks even harder.
"I know! I'll have a shower of meat!"
Immediately, huge pieces of meat rain down around him.
The third dinosaur, certainly not to be outdone, thinks harder than the previous dinosaurs.
"I've got it!" he cries, "I want a MEATIER shower!"
I don't get what's so hard about No Nut November
It's the 3rd day and I haven't eaten any nuts yet. I just distract myself by constantly m**... all day.
two h**... trump supporters die and ascend to heaven.
God meets them at the pearly gates and asks if they have any questions.
One of them says, yes, what were the real results of the 2020 election and who was behind the fraud? .
God says, "my son, there was no fraud. Biden won the electoral college fair and square, 306 to 232 .
After a few seconds of stunned silence, the o**... turns to the other and whispers, This goes higher up than we thought .
I've had a hard time figuring out why I don't consider cottage cheese truly "cheese"
But it's just a curd to me
A Husband and Wife at Custody court
The judge looks sternly at the ex wife.
Judge: why do you think you deserve custody of the child?
Ex wife: I brought him into this world so I should have custody of him
Judge: that is a simple yet good reason.
Then the judge looks towards the Ex husband.
Judge: why do you think you deserve custody of the child, sir?
The ex husband thought long and hard about his response, after a brief moment of silence. He replies
Ex Husband: if I put money into a Pepsi machine and a Pepsi comes out. Is it mine or the machines?
A Collie was talking about how hard he works on the farm where he lives.
A nearby sheep piped up 'YOU don't work hard, all you do is boss US around.' 'WHAT DID YOU SAY' shouted the collie. 'You herd me' the sheep replied
A blonde woman called her brunette friend. "I'm doing a jigsaw puzzle at my apartment, but it's way too hard for me!"
"What's the jigsaw supposed to be?" asks the brunette.
"According to the box," says the blonde, "it's supposed to be a rooster."
When the brunette arrives at the blonde's apartment, she looks at the puzzle pieces. Then she look at the box. Then she says to the blonde, "I'm afraid you will not be able to make anything even remotely resembling a rooster."
This makes the blonde furious. "Calm down," says the brunette. "Once you are relaxed, we can start putting the corn flakes back into the box."