Happy People Jokes

A teacher asked, "Johnny, can you tell me the name of three great kings who have brought happiness and peace into people's lives?" Little Johnny responded, "Drin-king, smo-king, and f*c-king."

1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it’s more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemies but remember their name.

3. Help someone when they are in trouble and they will remember you when they're in trouble again.

4. Many people are alive only because it’s i**... to shoot them.

5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk!

At Comic Con, all I could think was how happy these people's moms must be to have the house to themselves for a few hours.

All of these people here talking about how they love with their whole heart.

.. I'm just happy I didn't bite anyone today.

Valentine's Day for people who are single.

For people who are sad about being single: it's called Single Awareness Day

For people who are happy about being single: it's called Single Independence Day

For people who just don't care about being single: it's just called Thursday

For people like me: I call it Date With My Right Hand otherwise known as Everyday

Happy Birthday!

Most people don't make their own jokes, but X years ago your parents made you!

A man goes to the doctor...

and he says to the doctor: "Doctor I take a dump every morning at exactly 7:30, and I hate that it happens that early every day.

The doctor replies: "Well, you should be happy. You are blessed with amazing intestines. Some people would kill for that!"

To which the man says: "Yeah, that's great and all but I don't wake up until 8."

From the AnnCoulter AMA...

Dogs are better than people and I can prove it: Put your ex and your dog in the trunk of your car and drive around like crazy for an hour. Open the trunk. Who's happy to see you?

Lorraine and Clearly

A guy had an abusive girlfriend named Lorraine. Lorraine didn't know her boyfriend was cheating on her with a lovely girl named Clearly. In August Lorraine died. At the f**..., People wondered why the guy wasn't sad,and why he was so happy.
When they asked him why he was so happy at the f**... he sang....
" I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone !"

High Spirits

When people are happy, they are in high spirits. When they are not, they are high on spirits.

Birthday at the old-age home

So it's Phil's 90th birthday. All of the residents of the old-age home are there. Suddenly, two people come in with a huge "Happy Birthday" cake. The top of the cake opens up, and out pops a gorgeous b**... blonde in a skimpy bikini. She goes over to Phil, sits on his lap, and says "It's your 90th birthday, and I'm here to give you super s**...."

Phil looks at her and says "Please don't take this the wrong way, but at my age, I'd rather have the soup."

Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people.

So overweight people are now average, which means you have met your New Year's resolution.

Happy new year!

What do you call the happy fellow that brings death to the people?

The grin reaper

I tell people that money can't buy happiness.

It reduces the odds of being robbed.

Some people brings happiness wherever they go

I bring happiness whenever I go

Why do happy people like to sleep in late?

Because they aren't mourning people.

I just made this up!! Could you all help me with the wording? It feels like it could be a little better I just don't know how to word it differently while using the same "mourning" pun as the punch line.

What are the advanteges of a long distance relationship?

All four people are happy.

Why is Jesus happy people hang pictures of him?

It only takes one nail to put him on a wall.

My Indian colleague asked me if black Friday is some how related to black people, I said yes and its manners to wish them "Happy b**... Friday".

Why are people at Star Wars conventions so happy?

Because of the Endor-fans.

Why do black people only have nightmares?

Because we killed the one who had a dream.
Happy MLK day

People say money is not the key to happiness

But with enough money, you can have a key made.

How are rookie marathon runners like people with erectile dysfunction?

There both just honestly happy to finish

In a way, I'm happy that Brexit happened.

Now I don't need to correct people when they refer to the UK as England.

Obama, Clinton, and Trump are on a plane...

.... Obama says, i can drop 1 $1,000 bill and make someone really happy! OK, Clinton says... I can drop 10 $100 bills and make 10 people really happy. I got you, Trump says... I can drop 100 $10 bills and make 100 people happy!
The pilot pops his head around the corner and says "I can drop one plane and make a 155 million people happy".

People say money can't buy happiness...

They must have never met a Russian Olympic medalist then.

What blood type do happy people have?

B Positive.

Learning to write jokes is like when you first start having s**......

You think it's easy and it's gonna make people happy but you end up just leaving people feeling confused and disappointed

Donald Trump and Mike Pence are on a plane...

Suddenly Mike Pence says "I can throw 100 dollars out of the plane and make 100 people happy".

Donald says "I can throw 1000 dollars out of the plane and make 1000 people happy".

The pilot over heard this and said, "I can throw both of you out of this plane and make the whole country happy."

A rabbi comes home and tells his wife

A rabbi comes home and tells his wife: "Honey, I made seven people happy today. I had three couples married."

"Who's the seventh person?" asks the wife.

"Do you really think I did it for free?" says the rabbi.

If blind people could see how the world is today

I think they'd be pretty happy

What's the difference between pushy people and Alabaman men?

Pushy people are insisters.
Alabaman men are in sisters.

P.s. Happy National Siblings Day!

Money can't buy happiness.

It just makes other people look more miserable.

Chris Cornell dies and goes to heaven

At the gate, St. Peter says, "because your beautiful voice and amazing talent brought happiness to so many people, we'll grant you one wish".

Chris thought about it for a moment and replied, "I'd like the world to be a kinder, better place".

So St. Peter killed Roger Ailes.

What starts with M, ends with E and can bring two people eternal happiness?

Me, I'm a divorce lawyer

Some stereotypes just aren't true, not all gay people are flamboyant and constantly happy

Some of them are l**...

What makes9/10 people happy?

g**...

Always remember that other people aren't responsible for your happiness.

They're responsible for your unhappiness.

There are 2 types of people.

The 88% that is normal and the 22% that is r**....

I'm happy that i'm in that 88%.

Happy Birthday to Thomas Jefferson!

The founding father of light-skinned black people.

Kim Jong Un and Putin are riding in a plane together

When they flew over Russia, Putin said, "I threw 100 dollars out the window and made 100 of my peasants happy"

When they flew over North Korea, Kim said, "I threw 1,000 dollars out the window and made 1,000 of my peasants happy"

When they flew over the Ocean, the pilot told the co-pilot, "I could throw 2 people out of the window and make everyone happy"

The Washing Machine Criminal

Around my city this guy called Cal had been breaking into houses destroying the washing machines by placing a brick in them.
He did it for 2 months, the police never caught him.
Recently he was found dead. I'm never happy about people dying but on the bright side.

Washing machines live longer with Cal gone...

The President of Iran calls Trump & tells him "I had a dream last night...."

"New York was in ruins & aflame, with Iranian flags flying above."

Trump replies: "Funny, I had a dream last night too. Teheran beautiful and prosperous, happy people celebrating in the streets, with big banners hanging everywhere."

"What did the banners say?", asked the Iranian President.

"I don't know," Trump answers, "I can't read Hebrew."

People with one syllable names...

...really ruin the Happy Birthday Song.

A lawyer saw a bunch of homeless people eating grass... He goes over and asks them why are they doing that and they tell him that they are homeless and have nothing to eat. Eager to help them out he escorts them to his mansion.. They are very happy and thankful.. He takes one look at them, smiles

And tells them "this is my yard, eat as much as you want, i won't charge you."

What's the difference between making people happy and disappointing them?

One is a great way to lift spirits and the other is a great way to

A joke from my five year angel of a girl: what did the people say to the people?

*Do you want to kill each other because we're friends?*

Happy humanity everyone, it was a nice ride.

Tightrope walkers are often very happy people.

Because they have a balanced lifestyle.

Some people cause happiness wherever they go

while some, whenever they go

What makes 9/10 people happy

Gang r**...

"We've had complaints about you," said my boss.

"What are they?" I asked.

"They're what people make when they aren't happy with something," my boss replied.

Why does killing people in GTA make me happy?

It's the only time I'm ever wanted

Unlike most people, I'm happy that Trump pulled out of Paris.

Can you imagine how narcissistic their kids would have been?

What did people say in January, to celebrate Van Gogh's new prosthetic?

Happy New Ear!

The Trump Family is flying from New York to DC

Donald-"I think I'll throw a $1000 bill out the window and make some American happy"
Melania- "Why don't you throw ten $100 bills and make ten Americans happy?
Ivanka- "It will be even better if you throw one hundred $10 dollar bills and make one hundred people happy?
The pilot hears the conversation and exclaims "Why don't y'all jump out the window and make the entire country happy?"

As the group of people finished their demonic chanting...

they stabbed an object, lying on the table, feeding it to someone.

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♫ Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday to you ♫

Why is Santa white?

Because that's the only way to convince people to be happy for a guy to come down their chimney while they slept

100K people are having s**... right now.

75,000 are kissing

50,000 are hugging

And you? Well, you're reading this.

^(Trust me, I'm not happy about this either)

My friend doesn't believe in wishing people for any occasion. But she makes an exception on one day for me.

Happy fools' day.

Bride

The night before her wedding, the bride-to-be talked with her mother. "Mom," she said, "I want you to teach me how to make my new husband happy."

The mother took a deep breath and began, "When two people love, honor, and respect each other, love can be a very beautiful thing..."

"I know how to f*c**..., mother," the bride-to-be interrupted.
"I want you to teach me your lasagna recipe."

Some people create happiness wherever they go.

Others, whenever they go.

You know what actually makes me laugh?

People trying to be unique as possible when it comes to making people saying happy cake day to them

Imagine how happy barn owls were ....

when people finally started making barns.

Why are short people always sad?

They cant reach happiness

South of the border

You know what, I don't care what people say but south of the border there is the country with senseless violence, looting, drugs etc. that I would not dare to touch with a ten feet pole!
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I am so happy I live in Canada!

I saw a couple of homeless people today

I split a 10 dollar bill for them.

They didn't seem so happy after that.

Short people are always sad

Because they can never reach happiness

When I told my therapist about being unhappy, he said, "When it comes to happiness, a good analogy is a 3D-printer."

"Oh," I said, "You mean that I should make my own happiness?"

"No," he said. "I meant, most people don't have it, and many don't even know what it is."

You know you're getting old when

when you go to an antique auction and three people bid on you.

Happy Cake Day to me!

People always ask me how I know so many Dad jokes.

Well it's because I keep them in a Dad-a-base.

Happy Father's Day!

I absolutely HATE when people make a post subtly implying that it's their cake day just so people can wish them a happy birthday.

You won't catch me doing that today.

A girl goes to a movie theatre…

…with her dog.
The movie didn't have a happy ending and many people were crying at the end of the movie and her dog was crying as well. A lady sitting next to her saw the dog crying and said That's absolutely amazing. I can't believe your dog is crying

She responded: I can't believe either …. because he didn't like the book

Happy Friday!

If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there'd be a shortage of fishing poles.

Some people like to call their mistakes "happy accidents."

Others get creative and give them cute little names like Nathan, or Thomas, like my parents did.

Trump comes to the fortune teller

Trump comes to the fortune teller and asks how she sees his future.
She looks into the crystal ball and says:
You are travelling down the Constitution Ave. On both sides are cheering and happy crowds with flags and flowers...Go on, tell me more! Jumps Trump.
Everyone is happy, people are hugging each other, continues the fortune teller.
And they shake my hands? Trump interrupts again.
No, the coffin is closed.

Jeff Bezoz on a plane with Donald Trump

Jeff Bezoz and Donald Trump Are on a plane. Jeff says "I could drop a dollar bill to the ground and make one person happy. Donald Tump says "I could drop 100 dollar bills to the ground and make 100 people happy." . Pilot walks out of the cockpit and says "I could drop this plane to the ground and make 7 billion people happy!"

My 11 yo son got out the car at school the other morning, right at the moment the gritter was driving by us spraying rock salt everywhere..

He got straight back in the car, looked at me with a completely serious face and said I've just been assaulted .

ETA: thank you so much for the awards, I showed him some (SOME!) of the comments 😂 and it made his day, he was delighted that people actually enjoyed his joke to even just upvote and comment on it but actually couldn't believe that people actually awarded it too ( people gave Reddit awards to it?? For my joke?? Like, did they actually mum or are you just saying that?! so yea, thank you kind Redditors for making my 11yo extremely happy! You guys are the best 😊

My older brother told me gay meant happy

I still don't understand the weird expressions people gave me when I told them, my brother makes me gay.

99.99% of people are idiots

I'm just happy I belong to the 1%

Why are gay people always so happy?

'Cause they can't keep a straight face!

Some people call their mistakes "happy accidents"

But some people get more creative and give them cute little names like Nathan or Thomas, just like my parents did.