Happy Marriage Jokes

The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work,
“I have great news for you.

Pretty soon, we’re going to be three in this house instead of two.”
Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes.
He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said, “I’m glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us.”

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married;

and then it was too late."

A Lalu originally from Bihar now in USA went to India and brought a physiologically checked out v**.

.. from a small happy town as wife.
Ideal Lalu decided to have first night in USA.
He prepared her, took their all clothes off and was ready to p**... for i**... and young bride stopped him.
"What are you trying to do," she asked.
Lalu explained the spousal s**....
The bride said, "In that case try my back hole it will be lots of fun for you."

Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say.

 
After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
Happy Valentine's Day.

The poor wish to be rich, the rich wish to be happy, the single wish to be married, and the married wish to be dead.

I never knew the meaning of true happiness until I got married, but then it was too late...

double negatives

what is the greatest double negative/oxymoron of all time?
A happy Marriage

An old man found a box in his attic.

Inside were two knit bonnets and $250,000. He went to his wife and asked if she knew anything about it. She explained, "Every time I was mad at you, I'd knit a bonnet." The man was happy to find that, in 40 years of marriage, he'd only angered his wife twice. "OK, that explains the bonnets, but what about the money?" the old man asked. His wife smiled and said,"That's from selling all the bonnets I've made over the years."

4 rules for a happy marriage

1. It is important to find a woman who cooks and cleans.
2. It is important to find a woman who makes good money.
3. It is important to find a woman who loves to have s**....
4. It is very important that these three women never meet!!

My son came home from school absolutely ecstatic about gay marriage being legalised today.

"Why are you so happy?" I asked him, "Have you even got a boyfriend?"
He scowled at me and just said "It's the principle Dad"
"Really?" I replied "Well, at least it's not the priest again".

My Christian friend told me he doesn't believe in gay marriage.

He said there should be no such thing as a happy marriage.

Wasn't gay marriage always legal?

Because I know that people have been happy on their wedding day.

An old man was asked what the trick was to a long and happy marriage with his wife. He replied saying 'We have s**... nearly every day'

Nearly on Monday, nearly on Tuesday, nearly on Wednesday...

Two Syrian refugees land in America...

They make a bet to see who can become the most American. A year later they meet up for coffee. The first man says " I am so American. I have a hot white wife, a daughter, a house and a well paying job. I drink Budweiser with my friends after work at happy hour. I have come to accept gay marriage as a human right. I joined a bowling league and my average is above 200. What have you done?" The other Syrian looks at him and says " Shut up t**...!"

For a happy marriage....

I have always heard that you should marry your best friend.
I asked my best friend. He said he didn't swing that way.

Two women named Rachel meet and fall in love.

They decide to get married and go to the baker's to pick out a wedding cake. The baker inquires about their story and appalled, refuses to bake them a wedding cake. They are very upset and accuse the baker of narrow-mindedness and bigotry. "Oh, no, no, no," the baker responds, "I don't have a problem with gay marriage, I just can't support an inter-Rachel marriage!"
Happy Valentine's, everyone!

A dad and his son are watching the news when a story about gay marriage pops up.

the son asks, "dad, what does gay mean?"
the dad replies quickly, "gay means happy."
The son looks at him and asks him, "are you gay?"
"no son, i have a wife..."

Husband on second day of marriage...

...goes to the beautician who did his wife's bridal make up, and gifted her beautifully packed iphone 7 plus box.
She opened the box with great happiness and was depressed to see a Nokia 1100.
Husband smiled and said
' same feeling '

Good way to reduce alcohol consumption

William Sexfear's one good way to reduce alcohol consumption..
Before marriage- Drink whenever you are sad.
After marriage- Drink whenever you are happy.

An engaged man asked his father for advice for a long and happy marriage...

Dad, you and Mom have been happily married for 28 years now. How do you do it?
"That's easy son, when your Mom and I first got married, we made a deal. She would make all the little decisions, and I would make all the big decisions. "
Hey, that sounds like a good arrangement. But how do you decide what's a big decision, and what's a little decision?
"Oh, there hasn't been any big decisions yet."

Husband on second day of marriage :-

He went to the makeup artist who did his wife's bridal make up, and gifted her a beautifully packed iphone X box.
Make up artist opened the box with great happiness but was suddenly depressed to see a Nokia 1100.
Husband smiled and said "same feeling I had when I saw my wife this morning"

Today i met a guy who has been married for 57 years

Today i met a guy who has been married for 57 years, myself who has struggled with the infancy of marriage I couldn't help but ask,
"So sir, what is the secret to a happy and long lasting marriage?"
His reply,
"You will have to speak up, I'm hard of hearing"

What's a hitman's secret to a happy marriage?

He always takes out the trash, no questions asked.

At a wedding reception, the groom's grandfather stood up to make his toast. Having been married for 60 years, he wanted to pass on his secret to the newlyweds. The grandfather addressed the happy couple, saying the tip to a happy and long lasting marriage is to beat your wife up every morning.

An uncomfortable silence followed. The grandfather continued, yes, I beat my wife up every morning. I get up around 6:30 and she gets up around 8.

At a conference a s**... therapist was discussing his book s**... in a Marriage

The therapist asked the audience how many couples have s**... daily about 20% of the audience raised their hands
then he asked how many couples have s**... weekly about 30% raised their hands
then he asked how many couples have s**... monthly the remaining audience raised their hands
Finally he asked how many have s**... yearly o**... in the back stood up smiling his hand stood
the therapist asked why are you so happy if you only have s**... one time a year ?
the guy answered because today's the day

A couple are having marital difficulties,

...and the wife suggests they see a marriage counsellor.

At their first session the counsellor asks the couple to explain to each other how they feel about their marriage.

The wife says: We are at a crossroads. To the left is bitterness, resentment, divorce and a life of unhappiness. To the right is reconciliation, love and lifelong happiness.

The husband says: I think you'll find that's a T-junction.

For past 20 years, my wife has been complaining about my not putting the cap back on the toothpaste.

This anniversary, I decided to change this bad habit and make my wife happy.
For a week, I was diligent, always capping the toothpaste.
I was expecting my wife to thank me, but she never did it.
Finally, last night, she turned and looked at me and said - "Why have you stopped brushing your teeth since a week ??"
Marriage is a social crime, I tell you.