Happy Jokes

Sad news....I lost my job as a stage designer,

I wasn't very happy but left without making a scene.

The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man's wife...

Thank you for everything, Mom.
Happy Mothers' Day!

My best friend passed away recently, and grieving before his grave I said,

"Bro, I really miss you. My wife has been pregnant for 8 months now. How about you reincarnate as my child?"

A month later, my wife gave birth to a big boy. As my child grew older each day, I realized he looks a lot like my best friend.

I'm really happy that my prayer worked.

A man was meeting a girlfriend somewhere...

And she said: "is that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?"
He replied: "Either way, we're having s**... tonight"

Happy Halloween... Why did the Ghost enter the bar...

For the BOOOOS

A woman and a man are lying in bed

A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other when her phone rings.

She picks up, the man looks over at her and listens. She is speaking in a cheery voice, "Hi. I'm so glad you called. Really? That's wonderful. I'm so happy for you. That sounds terrifiic. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."

She hangs up and the man asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh," she replies, "that was my husband telling me about the great time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

England fans must be pretty happy right now.

They've been waiting years for their team to play like Spain.

My wife wasn't happy.

True story: I was at the store with my son and my wife. I have a habit of flipping my wedding ring in the air like a coin and catching it. My son saw me do it and tried to grab it in mid air, causing it to fall to the ground. He scrambled to get it and I said, "Son, hand me that! It's expensive!"

My son asked me, "how much did it cost, dad?"

I replied, "my life."

My son came home from school absolutely ecstatic about gay marriage being legalised today.

"Why are you so happy?" I asked him, "Have you even got a boyfriend?"

He scowled at me and just said "It's the principle Dad"

"Really?" I replied "Well, at least it's not the priest again".

My girlfriend was standing n**......

in front of a mirror and she wasn't happy with what she saw.
She said, "I'm fat and I am ugly I really need a compliment right now."
To which I replied, "Well your eyesight is near perfect..."

My wife was happy when I told her a put a load in the dishwasher...

Until 9 months later when Consuela's baby came out looking just like me!

My son just said, "Dad, can you tell me what gay means?"

"It means to be happy," I replied.

"Are you gay, dad?"

"No, son. I married your mother"

5 advices to men for a happy life

1. You should find a woman that helps you with the cleaning and the chores,

2. You should find a woman that is a good cook,

3. You should find a woman that you can trust and share your feelings with,

4. You should find a woman that enjoys making love to you,

5. Last and the most important thing is that these 4 women should never meet.

I don't see why we Brits don't celebrate the 4th of July. Surely 239 years of being officially separate from America is something to be happy about.

Congratulations to Tu Youyou on winning the Nobel Prize in Medicine and for being the most confusing person to sing Happy Birthday to.

A man goes into a job interview

A man goes into a job interview, and presents himself well.

The employer is shocked at how professional he is, "Wow, you have an incredible resume, and present yourself fantastically, but you seem to be missing 5 years on this part of your resume. What happened there?"

The man replied "Oh that's when I went to Yale."

The employer is even more impressed. "That's great, you're hired!"

The man is super happy and says "Yay I got a yob!"

Happy Ramadan to all my Muslim brothers and sisters!

This month, lunch is on me.

My wife's birthday is in two days, and she told me that she would be happy as long as I get her something with a lot of diamonds in it.

She's gonna love this pack of playing cards.

"What does gay mean?"

A son is on the computer and he comes across the word gay. He asks his dad, "What does gay mean?"

"It means happy."

"So dad, are you gay?" the son asks.

Dad replies, "No son, I have a wife."

The trump family is flying from New York to DC

Donald looks down on the cities below and says "I think I'll throw a 1000$ bill out of the window and make some american happy. Melanie says "Oh honey why not throw 10 100$ bills and make 10 americans happy?"
So then Ivanka says "Even better daddy, throw 100 ten dollar bills out of the window and make 100 americans happy?" To that the pilot says " Why dont you all jump out the window and make the whole country happy?"

A dad and his son are watching the news when a story about gay marriage pops up.

the son asks, "dad, what does gay mean?"

the dad replies quickly, "gay means happy."

The son looks at him and asks him, "are you gay?"

"no son, i have a wife..."

The power of Pepsi

So a couple of friends of mine, one black, one white were at a protest and wondered which carbonated drink makes the police the most peaceful. Turns out it really is Pepsi. You see, my white friend went up to the front of the protest and shouted to the cops "Anybody wanna buy some Pepsi?!" and the cops were all chill and happy, some even bought a can or two. But then my black friend went up to the front and shouted "Anybody wanna buy some coke?!"

How to be cool

A) Use happy sunglasses emoji

B)

"So is that a gun in your trousers or are you just happy to see me?"

"Both ,now get in the van"

In USSR we had this joke

An old Jew is on his deathbed. With weak voice he asks to call for a partorg because before his death he wants to join the Communist Party. A happy partorg rushes to him with filled out membership form to sign and a ready Party membership card. As the Jew signs the form he carefully takes the membership card and presses it against his heart.
In a peaceful and happy voice he whispers: "Today one more communist will die"

An Irish man frees a genie

and happy to be released from his confinement, the genie grants him 3 wishes.

The Irishman thinks about it, and says "I want me a pint of Guinness that is never empty."

So *p**...* a pint appears, filled to the rim with the rich brown drink. The man drinks it down, and when he places it back on the bar, it's filled up again.

"So, what would you like for your other two wishes, sir?"

"I want two more of these, then!"

I named my kid Bob Ross

He was a happy little accident.

I asked a p**...

"How Much For A h**...?"

Lady: "50..Do You Want One Honey?"

I: "No…No, it just makes me happy To Know How Much I Save When I Do It My Self"

A man is stranded in the desert when he comes across a genie's lamp. He rubs it and the genie grants him just one wish. The man said, "I could die happy here, if I could just get..."

... one more 's'.

I like my women like I like my mathematical constants.

Round and irrational.

Happy Pi Day everyone!

To the guy who stole my antidepresants,

I hope you're happy now

A boy asked his father, "Dad, what does gay mean?"

"It means happy son." Replied the father.

Then the boy asked, "Then Dad, are you gay?"

"No son, I am married." the father replied.

Son asks his dad the meaning of the word gay

Dad, what does gay mean?

Well, it can mean two things. It can mean that a man is attracted to another man. Or it could mean happy.

Dad, are you gay?

No son, I'm married to your mother.

Barbara Walters once did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands...

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walked behind their husbands, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime and women seemed happy to maintain the old custom.

Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you still abide by an old custom, that you once tried so desperately to change?"

The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, "Land mines."

My Tinder bio says that I have a corner office with views of the entire city, drive a $500,000 vehicle, and that I'm paid to travel.

My dates never seem too happy when I tell them I'm a bus driver.

A child asks his father what "gay" means

The father says it means happy to his son, to which the son replies "Dad are you gay?" The father laughs and says "no son I have a wife".

The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man's wife

Happy Mother's Day!

As a non-American, I love seeing Americans saying Happy 4th of July.

It's the only time Americans pronounce dates correctly.

I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn't happy at all. How much have you had to drink? she asked sternly, staring at me. Nothing I slurred. Look at me! she shouted. It's either me or the pub, which one is it?

I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, It's you. I can tell by the voice.

Is it "Happy Impeachment" or "Merry Impeachment"?

I don't want to offend anyone.

​

Treason's Greetings and Impeach Navidad!

How many anti-vaxxers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They're happy living in the dark

I absolutely HATE when people make a post subtly implying that it's their cake day just so people can wish them a happy birthday.

You won't catch me doing that today.

I nibbled on my 3 year olds ear and said "I'm going to eat your ears". She said "Papa! No! Don't e**... ears!"

"My mask will fall off!"

(True story from yesterday, happy end of 2021!)

A genie granted me one wish, so I said "I just want to be happy."

Now I'm living in a cottage with 6 dwarves and working in a mine.

There's s**... without love, and there's love without s**....

And there's us, without either.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Proud Dad momemt

My 10 year old daughter just asked me "Dad, what do you do when you break your arm in several places?" I was in the middle of going over some work and said " I'm not sure" her reply was " You stop going to those places."

***Happy tear follows***

The other day, I met a genie who granted me one wish. So, I told him: "I just want to be happy."

Now I'm living in a cottage with 6 dwarves and working in a mine.

It's 2/2/22!

Happy Twosday!

Tomorrow is 2-22-22

Happy Twos-day

The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man's wife

Thanks, Mom! Happy Mothers' Day!

A guy sees a lamp, rubs it, and a Genie comes out. The genie is so happy that he decides to grant one wish. The guy thinks about it and says "I want to be a powerful man in the world, and have a beautiful wife"

The next morning the guy awake in a unfamiliar room, and a beautiful woman said to him

"Wake up John, it's a busy day, we have a car tour in Dallas"

Lots of guys aren't too happy with getting a "dad bod" eventually in life. But I'd say im pretty excited for it

Because it's the closest thing I'm gonna get to having a father figure in my life

What has 4 legs and 1 arm?

A happy pitbull

From my niece, who doesn't know why grownups are laughing at her joke...

All of Snow White's seven dwarfs were in a hot tub, feeling happy.

So Happy got out.

She's six. Don't know where she heard this.

A Genie once granted me one wish, so I said I just want to be happy .

So now I'm living in a little cottage with 6 dwarfs, working in a mine and singing ?'Whistle while you work…….' ?

How Many Jews Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?

Who needs a light bulb when you have eight candles? Happy Chanukah, y'all.

99.99% of people are idiots

I'm just happy I belong to the 1%

The bartender says: "Not you again"

Weatherman Phil Connors walks into the bar.

Happy Groundhog Day everyone!

A man is walking through a park where he sees 2 men sitting on a bench, one of them is a young man who looks sad and the other is an old man who looks happy

he says to the young man, "Why are you so sad?"

the young man replies, "My wife left me. she said she never wanted to see me again..."


the man then talks to the old man sitting next to him and asks, "and why are YOU so happy?"

the old man replies, "I'm going through the same thing he is"

I just took an IQ test and I am SO happy...

Thank God it came back negative!

Why was the poet teaching at a prison so happy?

She had a captive audience

Why are frogs so happy?

Because they eat whatever bugs them.

After fighting off waves of attacks by the Spartans, Paris went to visit with Helen

But alas, she was not very happy.

What is wrong, my love?

It's nothing.

Come on, my love, I sacrificed so much for you, so you must divulge why you're not happy. He pleaded.

It's nothing.

I'm pleading with you! I will defeat the whole spartan army and Achiles himself to see that smile again! Please, for the love of Zeus, why are you sad?

Well, it's just…

Yes? What is it?

If you must know…

Yes? Yes? He asked, encouraging her.

I only count 999 ships.

How do I say I hate you in a nice way?

"You are the Monday of my life".

Happy Monday ya'll.

I'm so happy to finally have a stepladder!

I never knew my real ladder..