Happy Hour Jokes

A woman meets with her lover, who is also her husband's best friend.
They make love for hours. Afterwards, as they lie in bed, the phone rings.
Since it's the woman's house, she picks up the receiver.
The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation:
"Hello? Oh, hi... I'm so glad that you called... Really? That's wonderful... Well, I'm happy to hear you're having such a great time... Oh, that sounds terrific... Love you, too. OK. Bye-bye."
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh," she replies, "That was my husband telling me about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

Gone Fishin

A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation...
(She is speaking in a cheery voice)
"Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh" she replies, "That was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

The Fishing Trip

On Friday afternoon, a man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go on a fishing trip with my boss. We'll be gone a week. This is a great chance for me to work on that promotion! Would you please pack some clothes for me and set out my rod and tackle box. I'll swing by the house to pick them up in an hour. Oh! And please pack my new blue pajamas."
The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy, but does exactly what her husband asked.
The following weekend the husband comes home very tired, tan and happy. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he has had a good time.
I did! he says as he carries his things into the bedroom. You wouldn't believe all the fish we caught! Some bass, some catfish, and a few trout.
As he tosses his suitcase onto the bed, his wife leans against the doorjamb.
"Really." She says.
Yup, he says. Then he glances up at her, By the way, why didn't you pack my new blue pajamas like I asked?"
The wife crosses her arms and replies, "I did. They're in your tackle box."

Air Traffic Control

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.
One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"
The tower responded, "Who is calling?"
The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"
The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference.. . If it is a commercial flight, it is 3 o'clock . If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to "Happy Hour."

Caught in the blizzard [An old one but a good one]

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realise it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbours will *talk* if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
About nine months later, Jack received a letter. Finding it hard to believe what he read, Jack decided to confront his friend. He went to find Bob and asked him, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north?"
"Yes, I do."
"Did sneak into her house in the middle of the night and sleep with her?"
"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."
"And, when she asked you your name, did you tell her my name instead of yours?"
Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"
"Well ... she just died and left me her 5 million dollar estate."

A fine country lady is hosting a dinner party

and she wants to serve her famous Mushroom Soup. She invites over the whole neighborhood for dinner. The day of her big event she runs out of mushrooms and the small country store is sold out. She panics! "What evah shall I do??" she pleads to her husband.
"Well" he says "There are lots of mushrooms growing back in the cow pasture. We could use those." "Absolutely not!" she yells. "Those might be poisonous!"
He replies "Tell ya what, I'll go back and pick some and you make a small batch of soup. We'll feed it to the dog, Jack. If he is OK in an hour or so, we'll know they're OK". With no other options, she agrees. He goes and gets the mushrooms, she makes up some soup and old Jack just LOVES it. He horfs it right down and is just happy as a clam.
Few hours go by and old Jack is just dandy. The lady of the house goes into full Dinner Party mode. She is running behind schedule now so she calls the neighbor girl over to help her prepare. The lady figures she should warn the girl about Jack but doesn't want to confess the whole story. She tells the girl to just keep a CLOSE EYE on Jack, that he is very special to the family, and to let her know if anything comes up.
A few hours later the guests start to arrive and they all sit down for an absolutely wonderful presentation of Mushroom Soup. The guests are raving about it. They can't get enough. Everyone is just having a wonderful evening,..
When all the sudden the neighbor girl bursts into the room in hysterics! "OLD JACK IS DEAD!!!!" she cries. "HE'S DEAD, JUST.. DEAD!!"
The country lady immediately jumps into action. She calls the paramedics, the hospital and the police! They all arrive quickly and begin pumping stomaches and administering anti-poison medicines. People are puking in the yard, screaming, and crying. Ambulance after Ambulance comes and goes with guest after guest for what seems like hours.
Finally.. at 5am an exhausted lady and her helpful neighbor girl are setting in the kitchen trying to take stock in what happened. The neighbor girl looks over at the lady and says
"It really is a shame. The guy that ran over old Jack didn't even stop."

The blonde and the mailman

A blonde is sitting at home one morning when the elderly mailman comes to the door.
"I hear you're retiring," she says.
"Yes, ma'am. I'm turning 65, so it's time for me to enjoy my golden years."
"I see," says the blonde. "Well... would you like to come upstairs with me?"
So she takes him up to her bedroom where she spends an hour making passionate love to him. When they're done, she gets her purse, hands him a dollar, wishes him a happy retirement, and sends him on his way.
That afternoon she's having coffee with a friend, and she mentions how she spent her morning.
Her friend is aghast. "Why in the world would you do something like that?"
"It was my husband's idea."
"Your husband's???"
"Yeah. I told him the mailman was retiring and asked if he thought we should do anything special for him. He said, 'Screw him, give him a dollar'."

Happy Hour

A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender how much for a cup of coffee. The bartender replies: "Two cents."
The guy thinks it's a joke and asks: "Ok, how much for a beer?"
Bartender replies: "Two cents."
The guy gets angry: "And the steak dinner? How much?"
Bartender replies again: "Two cents."
The guy has had enough of the joke and says: "Can I speak to the manager?"
Bartender replies: "No, he's upstairs with my wife."
Guy: "What is he doing with your wife?"
Bartender: "The same thing I'm doing to his business."

The Husband's Best Friend

A woman meets with her lover, who is also her husband's best friend.
They make love for hours. Afterwards, as they lie in bed, the phone rings. Since it's the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation:
"Hello? Oh, hi... I'm so glad that you called... Really? That's wonderful... Well, I'm happy to hear you're having such a great time... Oh, that sounds terrific... Love you, too. OK. Bye-bye."
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh," she replies, "That was my husband telling me about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

A lorry driver is driving 200 penguins to London Zoo

when his lorry breaks down on the motorway. The driver gets out of the cab and is looking at the engine when a second lorry driver stops in front of him and asks if he needs help. The penguins' driver explains that he is taking the penguins to the zoo and asks if the other man would 
take the penguins there. He agrees. 
Some hours later, the 2nd lorry driver drives past the first one, who is still waiting on the motorway. The penguins are still on the lorry, and look happy. 
"I thought I asked you to take those penguins to the zoo," shouted the first driver. 
The second replied, "I did, but I had some money left, so we're going to the cinema now." 

A man was at a boxing convention ...

He walked around for a while and managed to see some screenings of his favourite boxing matches of history. He also managed to win a new pair of gloves in a raffle. However, he still couldn't find what he was looking for, the one thing he had been waiting for all this time. After hours of searching he stumbled across a queue of people. He asked one of the people in the queue, "Hey, what's this queue for?" The man in the queue replied, "this is the queue to take a shot at Floyd Mayweather." The man was ecstatic. He had finally found it. He explained to the man in the queue, "I'm so happy I found this. I've been searching ages for this punchline."

A boy asks a girl to prom.

She says yes. He's happy and immediately goes to the tux store. There's a huge line, so he waits in the tux line for a while and gets a tux. After that, he goes to get a corsage, but there's a line. He waits in the flower line for almost an hour, but eventually he gets a rose for the girl, and he's happy. He goes to rent a limo, stands in the limo line for a while, and eventually gets one, picks up the girl, and takes her to prom. They're having fun, dancing, and eventually she says she's thirsty. He says he'll go get punch. He walks over to the punch, gets two cups. There is no punch line.