Happy Ending Jokes

A guy at a bar says to the bartender, "I bet you $1,000 I can pee in that cup all the way over there at the end of the bar." The bartender agrees, so the guy whips it out and he pees all over the bar. Having just won $1,000, the bartender starts smiling. The guy goes over to a table where his friends are seating and collects a bunch of money from them. He walks back to the bar, gives the bartender his $1,000, and then starts laughing. The bartender asks, "Why are you laughing? You just lost the bet." The guy says, "Before I bet you, I bet all of my friends over there $2,000 dollars that I could pee all over your bar and you would be happy about it!"

Not too long ago, there was a woman who wanted to know how her husband would react if she left without telling him where she had gone. 
She decided to write him a letter saying she is tired of him and didn't want to live with him anymore.
After writing the letter, she put it on the table in the bedroom and then climbed under the bed to hide until her husband got home. 
When he eventually came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it.
After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pen and added something to the letter.
Then he started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while he did so. He grabbed his phone and dialed a number. 
His wife listened from under the bed as he started chatting to someone. 
"Hey babe, I'm just changing clothes then will join you," he said.
"As for the other fool, it finally dawned on her that I was fooling around on her and left. I was really wrong to have married her; I wish you and me had met earlier. See you soon, honey!" 
Then he hung up and walked out of the room.
In tears and very upset, she climbed out from under the bed and stumbled over to read what her unfaithful husband had written on the end of her letter. 
Through teary eyes, she read: "I could see your feet you idiot, I am going out to buy bread."

One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus and drove off along the route:

No problems for the first few stops.
A few people got on, a few got off and things went generally well.
At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on.
Six foot eight, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground.
He glared at the driver and said. "Big John doesn't pay!" And sat down at the back.
Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically meek?
Well, he was.
Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't happy about it.
The next day the same thing happened...
Big John got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down.
And the next day and the one after that, and so forth.
This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him.
Finally he could stand it no longer.
He signed up for body building courses, karate, judo and all that good stuff.
By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; what's more, he felt really good about himself.
So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus and said. "Big John doesn't pay!"
The driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and screamed. "And why not?"
With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied. "Big John has a bus pass!"

A piece of butter...

A piece of butter, Joe, has lived a long, satisfying life. He's very content with it, and he realizes that he should end his life here, on a happy note. However, before he does so, he wants to cross a few things off of his "butter list".
First, Joe finds a nearby piece of toast, and hops onto it. He spreads himself out, and relaxes there for a little while. It's fun, but he still doesn't feel completely fulfilled with his life.
Next, Joe searches for a second starchy food to hang out on. He picks a bagel, and stays even longer than he did on the toast. The feeling of being split into a circle revs his engine, and it's hard for him to leave.
Finally, Joe finds a third food and spreads on it. He stays a very long time, and another piece of butter comes over to see what's going on. Joe tells him, "I wanted to experience some new things before I die. But now that I've done all of them, I think it's a good time to go. Nice knowing you!"
He is about to pass away when the other butter stops him. "Wait, Joe!" he cries. "Don't stop now; you're on a roll!"

This construction worker was laying a full room carpet in this house...

... and upon ending his work he realised his backpack was missing. Checking the area he could notice a lump in the carpet, the size of his backpack.
He couldn't belive how unlucky he was and he decided to take a desperate measure. He was not going to destroy the recently placed carpet and inside his backpack there wasn't anything really valuable. So he starts hammering that lump to the ground. After a few minutes the backpack inside the carpet was flat and unnoticeable.
Later that afternoon the housewife gets home and is happy with the placing of the carpet. She goes to the kitchen to write him a check for the job well done and returns to him:
"Here, the check and your backpack that you left in the kitchen. By the way, have you seen my cat"?

An Australian in Greece

An Australian guy decides to travel around the Greek Islands. He walks into a bar and Jill (the Australian barmaid) takes his order, Fosters, and notices his accent.
Over the course of the night they get to know each other quite well. At the end of Jill's shift he asks her if she wants to make whoopee.
Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 for some whoopee. Jill is travelling the world and because she is short on funds she agrees.
The next night the guy turns up again, orders Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will make whoopee with him again for $200.
Jill remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree. This goes on for 5 nights.
On the 6th night the guy comes in, orders Fosters and sits in the corner. Jill thinks that maybe she should pay him more attention and shake some more cash out of him. So she goes over and sits next to him.
She asks him where he's from in Australia and he tells her Melbourne. "So am I... What suburb in Melbourne?" "Glen Iris," he replies.
"That's amazing..." she says, "...so am I - what Street?" "Cameo Street," he replies. This is unbelievable..." she says,"...what number?"
He says, "Number 20" and she is totally astonished. "You are not going to believe this but I'm from number 22 and my parents still live there!"
"I know..." he says, "...your Father gave me $1,000 to give to you!"

Two Sandwiches in a Deli

One day two sandwiches are sitting in a deli. One sandwich - a veggie sandwich - asks the other "Hey man, if you could be any kind of sandwich, what would you be?"
The other sandwich - a turkey sandwich - isn't in the mood. He retorts "I'm tired man. I don't feel like having a deep conversation right now."
But the veggie sandwich persists. "I'm sorry to bug you. It's just that I'm doing this study for a class. I need to know your response in order to fully understand the psyche and whims of a turkey sandwich. I promise, just the one question, and that's it."
The turkey sandwich replies "Look man, I'm happy just being a turkey sandwich. I know I'm not the most exotic food item out there, but I'm content with my situation."
The veggie sandwich tries taking a more motivational approach. "Come on man, I'm not trying to imply that you're not awesome. Of course you are. But surely you have dreams. We all have dreams. If you could be ANY kind of sandwich in the world, what would you be?"
The turkey sandwich is still reluctant to enter into anything resembling a philosophical conversation with the veggie sandwich. It's always ended poorly in the past, but he knows how relentless the veggie sandwich can be. "Fine," he says, knowing that he has to make a decision. "If pressed, I would be a panini."

Baked Beans.

One day I met a sweet woman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my wife and told her that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.
Upon my arrival, my wife seemed excited to see! me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."
She then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as she was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. She made me promise not to touch the blindfold until she returned and went to answer the call. The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my wife was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my wife returned, apologizing for taking so long. She asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured her I had not. At this point, she removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"

The starship Enterprise encountered an alien race...

Kirk asks "What is your method of reproduction?"
A pair of aliens, happy to oblige, touched their antennae together, and soon a bud formed on the side of one. It slowly grew into a small replica of the alien, then fell off and started running around the room.
The aliens ask "How do you reproduce?", so Kirk grabs Uhura and proceeds to demonstrate.
"Where's the baby?" the aliens ask. Kirk replies, "Well, with any luck, it'll be along in about nine months or so."
"Nine months!" the alien exclaims. "If it takes nine months, why were you in such a hurry at the end?"

The creation of the woman.

When Adam roamed the garden of Eden, he saw how happy all the pairs of animals were, and he craved a partner. He prayed all day and all night, and in the end god answered his pleads and replied.
"Adam, what are you praying for?"
"Oh almighty god! I have seen the bliss of the animals of the land and wish for a partner! I want her to be beautiful like no other, smarter almost as you, loving, caring and passionate. She should be delicate and graceful like a swan, yet swift and nimble like a fox."
"You know Adam, that's gonna cost you an arm and a leg"
Adam pauses a moment to think before replying,
"What can I get for a rib?"

I rear-ended another car this morning.

I tell you, I knew right then and there that it was going to be a really bad day.
The driver got out of the other car, and wouldn't you know it!
He was a dwarf!! He looked up at me and said, "I am 'Not Happy.'
So I said, "Well, then, which one are you?"
And, that's how the fight started.