Happy Birthday Jokes
102 happy birthday jokes and hilarious happy birthday puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about happy birthday that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Happy Birthday Short Jokes
Short happy birthday jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The happy birthday humour may include short birthday bad jokes also.
- My wife's birthday is in two days, and she told me that she would be happy as long as I get her something with a lot of diamonds in it. She's gonna love this pack of playing cards.
- What do you call a circle of $100 bills? Aretha Franklins!
(Happy birthday to the Queen of Soul!) - I was really happy when I opened four birthday cards and found a total of $200 in them. I love being a postman.
- I can see why Paul Walker jokes aren't funny anymore. Poor guy can't catch a "brake".
(P.S. Happy Birthday Paul Walker. I wish u were still here) - All 8 planets are singing Happy Birthday to the Sun and it sounds terrible. Everyone turns to Earth and Earth says, "don't look at me, I'm not flat"
- Happy Birthday! Most people don't make their own jokes, but X years ago your parents made you!
- Today we celebrate the birthday of a man who changed the way we see and understand the magic of the universe. Happy Birthday Isaac Newton.
- My girlfriend wanted to go to the most expensive spot in the city for her birthday She was not happy when I took her to Chevron
- Happy birthday Georges Seurat! I wish I could remember why he's famous but my knowledge of his work is a little spotty.
- I gifted trampoline to my son on his 7th birthday I think he was so happy he bust into tears. He cried so hard that he fell out of his wheelchair
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Happy Birthday One Liners
Which happy birthday one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with happy birthday? I can suggest the ones about birthday celebration and my birthday.
- Happy Birthday to anyone who was born today! Sorry your birthday had to be Overshadowed.
- What do you sing at a twins bat mitzvah? Happy birthday two Jews
- Amazon's birthday Today is Amazon's birthday. Many happy returns, Amazon!
- What song should every person hear before they die? Happy Birthday
- My favorite gift to give is uncertainty Or is it?
Happy birthday. - Happy Birthday to Thomas Jefferson! The founding father of light-skinned black people.
- People with one syllable names... ...really ruin the Happy Birthday Song.
- I want to wish you a Happy Birthday in Chinese. yung no mo !
- I am against picketing, but I don't know how to show it Happy Birthday man, we miss you
- What do you tell a bird for his/her birthday? Happy Birdday!
- Happy Birthday, Jesus! The lawn looks great, thanks!
- Why do we say Merry Christmas? We should say Happy 2018th Birthday Jesus!
- You can Rob Boss today . Saying it is a happy little accident for Bob Ross birthday .
- I wished Happy Birthday to him but he was crying.
- Happy birthday amazing cup cake wallpapers,chocolate cake pictures
Happy Birthday Wishes Jokes
Here is a list of funny happy birthday wishes jokes and even better happy birthday wishes puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What did the pillar say when he forgot to wish his friend happy birthday? I'll column later.
- I got my drug dealer arrested the other day Maybe next time you'll wish me happy birthday, mom
- I overheard it was my co-worker's birthday tomorrow so I wished her a happy birthday eve. She said her name is Claire and her birthday is actually tomorrow.
- Happy Birthday Jesus Christ May Allah give what you wish for.
Happy Birthday Old Jokes
Here is a list of funny happy birthday old jokes and even better happy birthday old puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What did the old Catholic priest say when he arrived at a 6 year old boys birthday party? Happy birthday.
- Happy birthday is my favorite song. Because it never gets old.
Happy Birthday Dad Jokes
Here is a list of funny happy birthday dad jokes and even better happy birthday dad puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My mom just posted in our family group: "It's our fat ones birthday today!" She is referring to our cat.
10 minutes later, I get a message from my dad: "Happy birthday kid." - Happy birthday to me. Or, as my dad likes to say... "Happy nine months after *my* happy birthday"
Howlingly Hilarious Happy Birthday Jokes for All Ages to Enjoy
What funny jokes about happy birthday you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean birthday wish jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make happy birthday pranks.
This blonde goes into the drugstore looking for a birthday card.
She asks the clerk if they have any new and different cards — something unusual.
The clerk points her to a new card just in that day — “Happy Birthday to the Boy who Popped My Cherry.”
The blonde replied, “How cool! I’ll take the whole box!”
What do cows sing at their friends birthday parties?
"Happy Birthday to MOO, Happy Birthday to Moo."
On the morning a cop walks into a bar and sees his wife with two of his best friends.
He takes a sit on the table behind them to eavesdrop then his wife says "let's have him kidnaped."
A poor guy heartbroken pulls out a gun and shoots them all and runs back to his house to grab some cash and clothe to escape.
When he finally reached his house and opens the door everyone yells happy birthday!
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Happy Birthday! You're now living proof of the old saying that "Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men."
Happy birthday, Bono. I wanted to get you the perfect present, but I still haven't found what I'm looking for.
Dave and his Bob-Ross-Obsessed friend were playing chess.
Dave made a move, and immediately regretted it.
Dave went "whelp, that was a mistake."
His friend immediately shot back "It wasn't a mistake, just a happy accident."
Dave's brother in the next room over heard and replied, "Stop talking about me!"
(My best friend's son came up with this, happy birthday Dave!)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Happy Birthday Henry
Old widower Henry is celebrating his 80th birthday in the retirement home, and his friends decide to hire a h**... to entertain him. So early that evening, a beautiful blond shows up at his door, and says "HI, I'm Susie, and I'm here to give you super s**...."
Henry looks her over, thinks for a minute, and says "Eh, I'll take the soup."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I got a divorce for my birthday.
When I woke up, my wife and kids forgot to wish me a happy birthday. I didn't get any birthday cards or phone calls. When I went into work my secretary wished me happy birthday and I felt really special.
We went out for a drink after work to celebrate and she invited me back to her place. She excused herself for a minute an went into her bedroom and returned with my wife, kids and all my friends.
I was sitting on the couch n**....
Bought my wife a burka for her birthday
She wasn't too happy. Said she won't be seen in it
Baked Beans.
One day I met a sweet woman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my wife and told her that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.
Upon my arrival, my wife seemed excited to see! me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."
She then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as she was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. She made me promise not to touch the blindfold until she returned and went to answer the call. The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my wife was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my wife returned, apologizing for taking so long. She asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured her I had not. At this point, she removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Who said r**... aren't real smart?
"Hello, is this here the Sheriff's Office?"
"Yes. What can I do for you?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor, Virgil Smith. He's drillin' holes in his farwood and hiding m**... inside!"
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the Sheriff & his deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they split every piece of wood, but find no m**.... They sneer at Virgil and leave.
The phone rings at Virgil's house. "Hey, Virgil! This here is Floyd. Did the Sheriff come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they split yer farwood?"
"Yep!"
"Happy Birthday, buddy!"
Selfless until the end.
For Pontius Pilate's birthday, the Roman soldiers lined the street to his house with Jews nailed to crosses. Walking slowly, Pilate was admiring the gesture, when he spotted Jesus on the last cross... he was was muttering something. Pilot exclaimed "fetch me a ladder! if the King of the Jews has something to say, I want to hear it!" Reaching the top of the ladder, Pilate moves in close to hear Jesus in a dry, half-audible voice, singing "Happy birthday to you..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Birthday at the old-age home
So it's Phil's 90th birthday. All of the residents of the old-age home are there. Suddenly, two people come in with a huge "Happy Birthday" cake. The top of the cake opens up, and out pops a gorgeous b**... blonde in a skimpy bikini. She goes over to Phil, sits on his lap, and says "It's your 90th birthday, and I'm here to give you super s**...."
Phil looks at her and says "Please don't take this the wrong way, but at my age, I'd rather have the soup."
Happy Birthday Ray Rice!
I offered to bring punch to the party but, his wife said she already had enough.
Helping your neighbour South African Style
Hello, is this the South African Police?
Eish-Yes. What you want?
I'm calling to report my neighbour, Hendrik van der Merwe! He is hiding dagga (Cannabis) inside his firewood.
Eeeh-Yes…Thank you for your co-operasheen and informasheen in combating crime and violence, in our society suh
The next day, the Police descends on Hendrik's house. They search the braai lapa (BBQ area) where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they chop open every piece of wood, but find no dagga (Cannabis) . They shout and swear at Hendrik and leave.
The phone rings at Hendrik's house.
Hey, Hendrik! Did the Police come?
Ja! (Yes!)
Did they chop your firewood for the braai (BBQ) tonight?
Ja… (Yes...)
Happy birthday my friend!
My girlfriend was surprised and happy when I handed her my wallet before she went out with her girlfriends for her birthday. The look on her face soured however when she held the gooey cash in her hands.
I think she misunderstood me when I said I recently came into some money.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Congratulations to Tu Youyou on winning the Nobel Prize in medicine and for being the most confusing person to sing Happy Birthday to.
A local candle shop burned down...
it didnt help that everyone stood outside and sang happy birthday
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A boy was born without a body
A boy was born without a body, no arms, no legs, he was just a head.
So for his 18th birthday his dad takes him the pub for his first pint. He takes a sip and BOOM - his body pops out. "Take another sip!" everyone shouts, then BOOM - his arms pop out. "Another!" everyone chants, so he takes another sip and his legs pop out.
The boy is really happy and he runs outside in excitement and he'**... by an oncoming truck and killed instantly.
"What a shame" his dad said.
"He should have quit while he was ahead"
Happy 47th birthday, teens logging into adults-only websites!
And the same to anyone else whose birthday actually *is* January 1st, 1969.
Important copyright notice
Remember, if you sing "Happy Birthday" to the Queen, it is still *not* royalty-free.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Did you hear that e**...?
That was just the sound of Chuck Norris blowing out his Birthday candles.
^^^Happy ^^^birthday, ^^^Chuck!
Late Night Political Jokes
"Happy birthday to Hillary Clinton, who turned 68 today. When asked what her favorite gift was, she said, 'Donald Trump.'" Jimmy Fallon
"They're talking about putting a woman on the $20 bill. And Hillary said, 'I'm available.'" David Letterman
"Chelsea Clinton gave birth to a daughter named Charlotte this weekend. Hillary Clinton was really excited until she remembered that you have to be 18 to vote." Seth Meyers
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Have you ever s**... up so bad that instead of fixing the problem you just decided to see how it played out?
I'll never do that again, Happy Birthday - Mom
What did the time traveler say at the birthday party?
I'd tell you happy birthday, but to me, you've been dead for centuries ⚡️
Please donate to national Alzheimer's awareness day which is
Uh... it's... uhh.. oh! happy birthday!
"I'm 29 years old today..."
"I'm 29 years old today," said Ralph, setting a box of donuts on the table in the office. His coworkers all wished him a happy birthday.
Next day, Ralph's secretary answers the phone...
"Hello, my name is Carl. I'm Ralph's brother in law, and I'd like to wish Ralph a happy birthday," says the man on the line.
"Birthday? You're a day late. He just told us yesterday he turned 29."
"No," says Carl. "He *was* 29 yesterday. *Today* he's 30."
(based on a true story)
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I'm so happy that 20th of April has so much attention!
Otherwise we would have forgotten h**...'s birthday! It's so nice of us to celebrate it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My birthday was last week
My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday.
My parents forgot and so did my kids.
I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday.
As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!"
I felt so special.
She asked me out to lunch.
After lunch she invited me to her apartment.
When we got there, she asked, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?"
"Okay," I replied.
She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, and all my colleagues as they yelled "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa.. n**....
Facebook Birthdays.
Facebook birthdays don't remind me to say happy birthday. Instead, they remind me to systematically remove the kids from high school who I haven't talked to in five years.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I said to this Blonde Girl, I bet you a b**... I can sing a song with your name in it, she said OK you are on, my name is Susan.
Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday dear Susan, Happy Birthday to You. You're the 14th Blonde I have sang to this week.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Today it's his birthday so what's the difference between a bag of c**... and a baby?
Eric Clapton would never let a bag of c**... fall out of the window.
Happy birthday Eric and sorry for the dark joke
For my birthday, I got loads of smiley face stickers, which I decided to send back to everyone.
Many happy returns.
My wife suggested that it might be nice if I bought her some flowers for her birthday.
For some reason, she wasn't particularly happy when I handed over a bag of wholemeal, a bag of self raising and a bag of gluten free.
Wedding day and birthday
This married couple have a wedding day that is on the same day as the wife's birthday. When asked about it, the wife said:
"It's because he convinced me to. He said it's to make the most important day of my life twice as important as any other normal wedding day. I'm happy that he's the one I'm married to."
The husband, when asked the same question:
"It's easier to remember the date that way."
Happy 65th birthday to Howard Stern
...And happy 20th to his hair, happy 30th to his legs, and happy 10th to his new teeth.
As the group of people finished their demonic chanting...
they stabbed an object, lying on the table, feeding it to someone.
♫ Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday to you ♫
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Today is 4/20 and we all know what that means -
Happy birthday, Adolf h**...!
So a dad and his son go into a bar...
His son is literally only a head (doesn't need vital organs to live in this joke)
Sons birthday so the dad buys him a shot
Son takes shot and boom he becomes a full bodied functional man
Dad is so happy he says shots all around
The son takes another shot and dies
Dad is now crying hysterically
Bartender says
Kid should've stopped while he was ahead.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A wonderful birthday poem
**MARCUS:** Happy birthday, Bob. I have a poem for you.
**BOB:** Cool! Let me hear it!
**MARCUS:** Don't worry about the past — you can't change it.
Don't worry about the future — you can't predict it.
And don't worry about the present — I didn't get you one.
Russian Prime Minister Medvedev comes to President Putin and nervously tells him to abolish time zones.
"Why"? Putin asks
" I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep, - I woke you up at 4AM in the morning, but I thought it was only evening, - I call Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and she tells me she had it yesterday, - I wish the Chinese President a happy New Year, and he says it will be tomorrow."
"Indeed" Putin replies "but that's only minor, remember when that Polish plane crashed with the president? I called them to express my condolences, but the plane hadn't taken off yet !!"
Russian Prime Minister Medvedev comes to President Putin and nervously tells him to abolish time zones.
" I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep. I woke you up at 4AM but I thought it was only evening. - I call Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and she tells me she had it yesterday. - I wish the Chinese President a happy New Year, and he says it will be tomorrow."
"Indeed" Putin replies "but that's only minor stuff, remember when that Polish plane crashed with their president? I called them to express my condolences, but the plane hadn't taken off yet!!"
A lawyer sent an overdue bill to a client. A note was attached that stated: "This bill is one year old."
By return mail the lawyer had his bill back. To it was attached a card which read: "Happy Birthday, Bill
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Husband:Happy Birthday Babyyyyy!!!
Wife:Aww Thankyou sweetheart, What you get me?
Husband:It was a surprise, but you remember that pink Lamborghini car you wanted so bad?
Wife:o**... o**... o**... o**...! YES YES YES YES
I'm Screaming Right Now o**...!!!
Husband:Well, I got you a toothbrush, Same color.
First attempt at writing a joke!
I started a new job this week.
On my first day it was my co-worker Frank's birthday; we gathered around his desk to sing happy birthday and share a cake.
Just as we finished singing the office door slammed open.
In strides a creature: upper body of a man, lower body of a horse. He screams LOOK AT ME EVERYBODY and proceeds to grab Frank's cake and gallop out of the office with it.
I was dumbfounded but my new colleagues just rolled their eyes: "oh thats just Bill" they said "always the Centaur of attention."
Russian prime minister Medvedev comes to Putin and nervously tells him to abolish time zones.
" I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep. I woke you up at 4AM but I thought it was only evening. - I call Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and she tells me she had it yesterday. - I wish the Chinese President a happy New Year, and he says it will be tomorrow."
"Indeed" Putin replies "but that's only minor stuff. Remember when that Polish plane crashed with their president? I called them to express my condolences, but the plane hadn't taken off yet!!"
What's the first way to know when you're growing old?
It's your birthday and the only ones who wish you happy birthday are your doctors.
(Not so much a joke. It's my birthday and guess who wished me happy birthday so far.)
Edit: finally, a couple of family members have said it. They're still outnumbered five to one by medical staff. Lol!
