Happy Birthday Jokes

Following is our collection of cheery puns and happily one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Happy Birthday jokes for adults, dirty festive jokes and clean jolly dad gags for kids.

The Best Happy Birthday Puns

People say to me Jesus was not Jewish

## I say ofcourse he was Jewish

+ 30 years old, Single, Living at home with his parents
+ Working in his father's business
+ His mother thought he was God's gift

## He's Jewish. Give it up

****
_by Robin Williams_

Happy Birthday Robin!

Congratulations to Tu Youyou on winning the Nobel Prize in Medicine and for being the most confusing person to sing Happy Birthday to.

What do you call a circle of $100 bills?

Aretha Franklins!


(Happy birthday to the Queen of Soul!)

Happy Birthday to anyone who was born today! Sorry your birthday had to be

Overshadowed.

Baked Beans.

One day I met a sweet woman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my wife and told her that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.
Upon my arrival, my wife seemed excited to see! me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."
She then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as she was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. She made me promise not to touch the blindfold until she returned and went to answer the call. The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my wife was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my wife returned, apologizing for taking so long. She asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured her I had not. At this point, she removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"


Who said rednecks aren't real smart?

"Hello, is this here the Sheriff's Office?"
"Yes. What can I do for you?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbor, Virgil Smith. He's drillin' holes in his farwood and hiding marijuana inside!"
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."
The next day, the Sheriff & his deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they split every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.


The phone rings at Virgil's house. "Hey, Virgil! This here is Floyd. Did the Sheriff come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they split yer farwood?"
"Yep!"
"Happy Birthday, buddy!"

Happy Birthday Henry

Old widower Henry is celebrating his 80th birthday in the retirement home, and his friends decide to hire a hooker to entertain him. So early that evening, a beautiful blond shows up at his door, and says "HI, I'm Susie, and I'm here to give you super sex."

Henry looks her over, thinks for a minute, and says "Eh, I'll take the soup."

I got a divorce for my birthday.

When I woke up, my wife and kids forgot to wish me a happy birthday. I didn't get any birthday cards or phone calls. When I went into work my secretary wished me happy birthday and I felt really special.

We went out for a drink after work to celebrate and she invited me back to her place. She excused herself for a minute an went into her bedroom and returned with my wife, kids and all my friends.

I was sitting on the couch naked.

All 8 planets are singing Happy Birthday to the Sun and it sounds terrible.

Everyone turns to Earth and Earth says, "don't look at me, I'm not flat"

A Jewish man is turning 40 years old...

So his mother decides to send him 2 neckties. On his birthday, she calls him.

"Happy Birthday, son!" "Thanks, mom." Replies the man.

"Did you get the ties I sent you?" Asks his mother. "Yes," says the man, "in fact I'm wearing one right now." "So what's wrong with the other one?"

"I'm 29 years old today..."

"I'm 29 years old today," said Ralph, setting a box of donuts on the table in the office. His coworkers all wished him a happy birthday.

Next day, Ralph's secretary answers the phone...

"Hello, my name is Carl. I'm Ralph's brother in law, and I'd like to wish Ralph a happy birthday," says the man on the line.

"Birthday? You're a day late. He just told us yesterday he turned 29."

"No," says Carl. "He *was* 29 yesterday. *Today* he's 30."

(based on a true story)


Birthday at the old-age home

So it's Phil's 90th birthday. All of the residents of the old-age home are there. Suddenly, two people come in with a huge "Happy Birthday" cake. The top of the cake opens up, and out pops a gorgeous busty blonde in a skimpy bikini. She goes over to Phil, sits on his lap, and says "It's your 90th birthday, and I'm here to give you super sex."

Phil looks at her and says "Please don't take this the wrong way, but at my age, I'd rather have the soup."

Happy Birthday!

Most people don't make their own jokes, but X years ago your parents made you!

Late Night Political Jokes

"Happy birthday to Hillary Clinton, who turned 68 today. When asked what her favorite gift was, she said, 'Donald Trump.'" Jimmy Fallon

"They're talking about putting a woman on the $20 bill. And Hillary said, 'I'm available.'" David Letterman

"Chelsea Clinton gave birth to a daughter named Charlotte this weekend. Hillary Clinton was really excited until she remembered that you have to be 18 to vote." Seth Meyers

Today we celebrate the birthday of a man who changed the way we see and understand the magic of the universe.

Happy Birthday Isaac Newton.

I said to this Blonde Girl, I bet you a blow job I can sing a song with your name in it, she said OK you are on, my name is Susan.

Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday dear Susan, Happy Birthday to You. You're the 14th Blonde I have sang to this week.

What do you sing at a twins bat mitzvah?

Happy birthday two Jews

A wonderful birthday poem

**MARCUS:** Happy birthday,Β Bob. I have a poem for you.
**BOB:** Cool! Let me hear it!
**MARCUS:** Don't worryΒ about the past β€” you can'tΒ change it.
Don't worry about the future β€” you can'tΒ predict it.
And don't worry about the present β€”Β I didn't get you one.

What did the pillar say when he forgot to wish his friend happy birthday?

I'll column later.


Happy Birthday Ray Rice!

I offered to bring punch to the party but, his wife said she already had enough.

As the group of people finished their demonic chanting...

they stabbed an object, lying on the table, feeding it to someone.








β™« Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday to you β™«

What did the old Catholic priest say when he arrived at a 6 year old boys birthday party?

Happy birthday.

Important copyright notice

Remember, if you sing "Happy Birthday" to the Queen, it is still *not* royalty-free.

Today is 4/20 and we all know what that means -

Happy birthday, Adolf Hitler!

Today it's his birthday so what's the difference between a bag of cocaine and a baby?

Eric Clapton would never let a bag of cocaine fall out of the window.

Happy birthday Eric and sorry for the dark joke

I got my drug dealer arrested the other day

Maybe next time you'll wish me happy birthday, mom

My favorite gift to give is uncertainty

Or is it?

Happy birthday.

Happy birthday to me. Or, as my dad likes to say...

"Happy nine months after *my* happy birthday"

In honor of my cakeday...

Why did the students eat their homework?

Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.


What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake?

"What's eating you?"


Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor?

Because it was feeling crumby!

My mom just posted in our family group: "It's our fat ones birthday today!"

She is referring to our cat.

10 minutes later, I get a message from my dad: "Happy birthday kid."

Dave and his Bob-Ross-Obsessed friend were playing chess.

Dave made a move, and immediately regretted it.

Dave went "whelp, that was a mistake."

His friend immediately shot back "It wasn't a mistake, just a happy accident."


Dave's brother in the next room over heard and replied, "Stop talking about me!"




(My best friend's son came up with this, happy birthday Dave!)

What do cows sing at their friends birthday parties?
"

Happy Birthday to MOO, Happy Birthday to Moo."

I want to wish you a Happy Birthday in Chinese.

yung no mo !

Marvin Gaye's Last Day on Earth

Marvin (holding present): Happy Birthday Dad!!!

Dad: Marvin, if this is another tie, I'm gonna kill you.

Facebook Birthdays.

Facebook birthdays don't remind me to say happy birthday. Instead, they remind me to systematically remove the kids from high school who I haven't talked to in five years.

I am against picketing, but I don't know how to show it

Happy Birthday man, we miss you

People with one syllable names...

...really ruin the Happy Birthday Song.

My doctor sang this to me at my birthday

"Happy birthday to you. You live in a zoo. You have terminal cancer. Your family'll miss you"

Selfless until the end.

For Pontius Pilate's birthday, the Roman soldiers lined the street to his house with Jews nailed to crosses. Walking slowly, Pilate was admiring the gesture, when he spotted Jesus on the last cross... he was was muttering something. Pilot exclaimed "fetch me a ladder! if the King of the Jews has something to say, I want to hear it!" Reaching the top of the ladder, Pilate moves in close to hear Jesus in a dry, half-audible voice, singing "Happy birthday to you..."

I found a really chewed up pencil

I can't tell if it's 2B or not 2B.

Happy Birthday/Deathday Shakespeare!

Happy Birthday to Thomas Jefferson!

The founding father of light-skinned black people.

Happy Birthday, Jesus!

The lawn looks great, thanks!

A local candle shop burned down...

it didnt help that everyone stood outside and sang happy birthday

Please donate to national Alzheimer's awareness day which is

Uh... it's... uhh.. oh! happy birthday!

What did the time traveler say at the birthday party?

I'd tell you happy birthday, but to me, you've been dead for centuries ⚑️

This blonde goes into the drugstore looking for a birthday card.


She asks the clerk if they have any new and different cards β€” something unusual.
The clerk points her to a new card just in that day β€” β€œHappy Birthday to the Boy who Popped My Cherry.”
The blonde replied, β€œHow cool! I’ll take the whole box!”

Happy birthday, Bono. I wanted to get you the perfect present, but I still haven't found what I'm looking for.

Happy birthday amazing cup cake wallpapers,chocolate cake pictures

I wished Happy Birthday to him but he was crying.

Have you ever screwed up so bad that instead of fixing the problem you just decided to see how it played out?

I'll never do that again, Happy Birthday - Mom

Happy Birthday! You're now living proof of the old saying that "

Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men."

On the morning a cop walks into a bar and sees his wife with two of his best friends.


He takes a sit on the table behind them to eavesdrop then his wife says "let's have him kidnaped."
A poor guy heartbroken pulls out a gun and shoots them all and runs back to his house to grab some cash and clothe to escape.
When he finally reached his house and opens the door everyone yells happy birthday!

I overheard it was my co-worker's birthday tomorrow so I wished her a happy birthday eve.

She said her name is Claire and her birthday is actually tomorrow.

Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday.

My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.

This week I got divorced.

last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.

Helping your neighbour South African Style

Hello, is this the South African Police?
Eish-Yes. What you want?
I'm calling to report my neighbour, Hendrik van der Merwe! He is hiding dagga (Cannabis) inside his firewood.
Eeeh-Yes…Thank you for your co-operasheen and informasheen in combating crime and violence, in our society suh
The next day, the Police descends on Hendrik's house. They search the braai lapa (BBQ area) where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they chop open every piece of wood, but find no dagga (Cannabis) . They shout and swear at Hendrik and leave.
The phone rings at Hendrik's house.
Hey, Hendrik! Did the Police come?
Ja! (Yes!)
Did they chop your firewood for the braai (BBQ) tonight?
Ja… (Yes...)
Happy birthday my friend!

Happy Birthday question from grandpa

Hey nephew are you trying to overtake me?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

JESUS!

Happy Birthday Jesus Christ

May Allah give what you wish for.

Happy birthday is my favorite song.

Because it never gets old.

What did the suicide bomber say to the birthday boy?

Happy birthday, have a blast!

Why did I get divorced?

Well, last week it was my birthday, my wife didn't wish me a happy birthday, my kids didn't, and even my parents didn't even remember. I went to work and none of my colleagues nor my friends wished my a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, Happy birthday boss I felt so special. She invited me to lunch, then after lunch she invited me to my apartment. We went there and she said Do you mind if I go to the bedroom real quick? I said okay and 5 minutes later she comes out with a big birthday cake, my friends, my family, my kids my friends, and my colleagues all came out and yelled SURPRISE!!!! While I was laying on the sofa naked...

Why did the man get a divorce?

Why did the man get a divorce? Well, last week was the man's birthday. His wife didn't wish him a happy birthday. His kids and his parents forgot as well. He went to work and not even one of his colleagues wished him a happy birthday. As the man entered his office, his secretary said "Happy birthday, boss!" The man felt so special. She asked him out for lunch. After lunch, she invited him to her apartment. When they got there, she said "do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay" he said. She came out with a birthday cake, his wife, parents, kids, and colleagues all yelling "SURPRISE!" while he was waiting on the couch naked.

Happy birthday Canada. 148 years later, and you guys STILL can't say "about" right.

I suffer from premature congratulations...

I always tell people happy birthday one day too early..

My family forgot to tell me happy birthday

I forgot to call the fire department.

There is an abundance of happiest jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 66 funniest jokes and happy birthday puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any joyful witze you can hear about happy birthday.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes