Happiness Jokes

My best friend passed away recently, and grieving before his grave I said,

"Bro, I really miss you. My wife has been pregnant for 8 months now. How about you reincarnate as my child?"
A month later, my wife gave birth to a big boy. As my child grew older each day, I realized he looks a lot like my best friend.
I'm really happy that my prayer worked.

A muslim woman is getting arrested

The police officer handcuffs her
You have the right to remain silent he says.
She suddenly starts laughing. The police officer notices, and questions her behavior.
Why, you see, I'm just happy to finally have a right!

A conversation between my mother and my wife.

Wife: Hi mom, I am so happy to see you. How long will you be staying?
Mother-in-Law: As long as you want me to...
Wife: What! you wont even stay for coffee?

This is my dad's (a math major) favourite joke. What's the difference between an Engineer and a Mathematician?

A mathematician and an engineer are living together in a dorm when a fire starts in their room.

The mathematician wakes up and sees the fire. He quickly scans the room and sees a fire extinguisher and goes back to bed, happy knowing a solution exists.
The engineer wakes up, sees the fire and uses the extinguisher to put it out.

A little girl is attending her first wedding...

And as the priest is reading the vows, she leans over to her mother and whispers, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness," her mother explains, "and today is the happiest day in her life."
The child ponders this for a moment and then asks, "So why is the groom wearing black?"

Advice from my father

Son, you need a woman who can cook, a woman who can clean, a woman that is great in bed. Most importantly, you must make sure these three women never meet.
Happy Saturday night from Pennsylvania

A woman and a man are lying in bed

A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other when her phone rings.
She picks up, the man looks over at her and listens. She is speaking in a cheery voice, "Hi. I'm so glad you called. Really? That's wonderful. I'm so happy for you. That sounds terrifiic. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."
She hangs up and the man asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh," she replies, "that was my husband telling me about the great time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

England fans must be pretty happy right now.

They've been waiting years for their team to play like Spain.

My wife wasn't happy.

True story: I was at the store with my son and my wife. I have a habit of flipping my wedding ring in the air like a coin and catching it. My son saw me do it and tried to grab it in mid air, causing it to fall to the ground. He scrambled to get it and I said, "Son, hand me that! It's expensive!"
My son asked me, "how much did it cost, dad?"
I replied, "my life."

Are candles happy or sad when they are put out?

They are delighted.

My son came home from school absolutely ecstatic about gay marriage being legalised today.

"Why are you so happy?" I asked him, "Have you even got a boyfriend?"
He scowled at me and just said "It's the principle Dad"
"Really?" I replied "Well, at least it's not the priest again".

Met a Dwarf Today....

This morning on the way to work I drove into the back of a car, at some lights, whilst not really paying attention.
The driver got out and he was a dwarf.
He said, "I'm not happy."
I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"

I quit drugs, and it made everyone happy.

Except for my lamp. It won't talk to me anymore.

Happy Thanksgiving Guys!

I hope Internet Explorer sends this in time.

My wife was happy when I told her a put a load in the dishwasher...

Until 9 months later when Consuela's baby came out looking just like me!

I don't see why we Brits don't celebrate the 4th of July. Surely 239 years of being officially separate from America is something to be happy about.

I accidentally rear ended someone at a stop light while not paying attention..

We get out to exchange information, and I notice the guy is a midget. The first thing he says is, "I'm not happy." To which I replied, "Well which one are you then?"

Where's your bin?

A man sees that his neigjhbnour doesn't have his wheeled trash bin.
"Hey bub, where's ya bin`"
"I took a little vacation for a few weeks,"
"No. I meant where's your bin?"
"Told ya, vacation, at the beach!"
"No man. Where's ya wheely bin?"
"Ok, fine! I've wheely been to jail! Happy now?"

Statistics show that six out of seven dwarves aren't happy

I woke up this morning and realised I didn't have to go to school today. I was so happy...

then I remembered I'm an unemployed 43-year-old.

What do you call a circle of $100 bills?

Aretha Franklins!
(Happy birthday to the Queen of Soul!)

What do you call a happy cow?

Laughing stock.
What do you call a grumpy cow?
A Feminist

My boss phoned me and he wasn't happy.

"You're late!" he yelled. "We've got an important meeting in ten minutes!"
I said, "I'm on my way to my car as we speak."
He said, "Do you think you'll make it?"
I said, "Probably, it's only a few feet away."

I call my wife "Happy Meal"...

She's not enough to satisfy me but she comes with a toy...

There are 70 ways to make a man happy...

One is booze and the other is 69.

I didn't know what happiness was until I got married.

But by then it was too late.

A couple was having a conversation, when...

...the husband turns to his wife and tells her: "I bet you can't say one thing that will make me happy and sad at the same time."
The wife thinks about it for a second and then replies: "Yours is bigger than your friends'."

The trump family is flying from New York to DC

Donald looks down on the cities below and says "I think I'll throw a 1000$ bill out of the window and make some american happy. Melanie says "Oh honey why not throw 10 100$ bills and make 10 americans happy?"
So then Ivanka says "Even better daddy, throw 100 ten dollar bills out of the window and make 100 americans happy?" To that the pilot says " Why dont you all jump out the window and make the whole country happy?"

Two women named Rachel meet and fall in love.

They decide to get married and go to the baker's to pick out a wedding cake. The baker inquires about their story and appalled, refuses to bake them a wedding cake. They are very upset and accuse the baker of narrow-mindedness and bigotry. "Oh, no, no, no," the baker responds, "I don't have a problem with gay marriage, I just can't support an inter-Rachel marriage!"
Happy Valentine's, everyone!

I just got fired from my job in Museum

They said they're not happy with my work here, which is ridiculous, i only worked here for 2 days and already sold 2 picassos.

Happiness is like peeing in your pants

Everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth

For anyone who says "money cant buy you happiness"

You obviously have never paid for a divorce.

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO LIVE HAPPY LIFE!

1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman, whom you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be in it with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other

Does anyone else feel that white bread is superior?

Or am I just breadjudiced?
Perfect day for a dad joke. Happy Fathers Day, folks!

My sister is moaning and screaming in her bedroom because she is sick.

I'm happy that her boyfriend is there to comfort her.

In USSR we had this joke

An old Jew is on his deathbed. With weak voice he asks to call for a partorg because before his death he wants to join the Communist Party. A happy partorg rushes to him with filled out membership form to sign and a ready Party membership card. As the Jew signs the form he carefully takes the membership card and presses it against his heart.
In a peaceful and happy voice he whispers: "Today one more communist will die"

Your dog loves you more than your wife does.

Want proof? Lock them both in the trunk of your car. Let them out an hour later and see which one is happy to see you.

An engaged man asked his father for advice for a long and happy marriage...

Dad, you and Mom have been happily married for 28 years now. How do you do it?
"That's easy son, when your Mom and I first got married, we made a deal. She would make all the little decisions, and I would make all the big decisions. "
Hey, that sounds like a good arrangement. But how do you decide what's a big decision, and what's a little decision?
"Oh, there hasn't been any big decisions yet."

Husband on second day of marriage :-

He went to the makeup artist who did his wife's bridal make up, and gifted her a beautifully packed iphone X box.
Make up artist opened the box with great happiness but was suddenly depressed to see a Nokia 1100.
Husband smiled and said "same feeling I had when I saw my wife this morning"

What starts with M, ends with E and can bring two people eternal happiness?

Me, I'm a divorce lawyer

I just gave a homeless guy 530 dollars and my new iPhone x

He was so happy he even put his knife back in his pocket

A man is stranded in the desert when he comes across a genie's lamp. He rubs it and the genie grants him just one wish. The man said, "I could die happy here, if I could just get..."

... one more 's'.

Today I donated a laptop, a smartphone and $500 to a poor guy.

Can't express the happiness I got when I saw him putting the knife back in his pocket

My girlfriend said I believe in you and it made me happy.

But then I realised she had just affected a culturally inappropriate Jamaican accent to break the news that she was moving out.

Happy Pi Day

Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π.
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell.

HAPPY FOURH OF JULY

Looking for the T?
It's in Boston Harbor.

Why were the Mongols always so happy?

They were nomads.

New research shows 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

This is my first time. Please be gentle.

Barbara Walters once did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands...

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walked behind their husbands, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime and women seemed happy to maintain the old custom.
Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you still abide by an old custom, that you once tried so desperately to change?"
The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, "Land mines."

A flat-Earther died, and to his surprise found himself standing on a cloud in front of the gates of heaven

A flat-Earther died, and to his surprise found himself standing on a cloud in front of the gates of heaven. God himself was there and told him he would be happy to answer any questions the man might have - about anything across the entirety of Space and Time.
So of course the man said - "Was I right? Is the earth actually flat?" and God chuckled and said "Of course not".
The man shook his head in disbelief, shaken to his very core, before murmuring "...this goes even higher than I thought..."

When I was a child, I didn't like eating sprouts.

I told my mom I wasn't hungry.
She said:
the children in Africa would be happy with sprouts!
I replied:
and the moms in Africa would be happy with a child that's not hungry!