Happier Than Jokes
63 happier than jokes and hilarious happier than puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about happier than that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Happier Than Short Jokes
Short happier than jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The happier than humour may include short brighter than jokes also.
- I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday. She said, "Nothing would make me happier than diamond earrings." So I got her nothing
- Wife: I used to be a Christian. Husband: Well that's fine by me
Wife: Thanks, I'm much happier being a Christine now! - My girlfriends birthday is in a week and she said "Nothing would make me happier than a diamond ring!" So I got her nothing
- A man with six kids is always happier than a man with $6 million The man with $6 million always wants more.
- My wife told me "For Valentine's Day, nothing would make me happier than a diamond necklace" So I got her nothing.
- How do you prove that your dog loves you more than your wife? Lock them both in the trunk of the car for an hour, then open it up and see which one of them is happier to see you.
- Why is a dog mans best friend? Lock your dog and wife in a trunk for an hour and see who's happier to see you when you let them out.
- Dogs are truly woman's best friend If you don't believe it, lock your dog and husband in your trunk.
Wait an hour, open it and see who is happier to see you again! - I wanted to buy my girlfriend a ring so I asked her if she would want me to buy her one. She said nothing would make me happier . So I got her nothing instead .
- Top news stories for yesterday CNN: Trump phone call
MSNBC: Trump phone call
Fox news: Does walking a dog make you happier?
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Happier Than One Liners
Which happier than one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with happier than? I can suggest the ones about funnier than and smarter than.
- Why are vegetarians happier? They don't have beef with anyone
- Wives are like boats. Happy the day you get one. Happier the day you get rid of it.
- If the punchline was in the title. Mobile users would be much happier.
- I got a sweater for Christmas. I squirter would've made me happier.
- My wife is much happier with a beer inside her. I just wish she'd drink it afterwards.
- Pokémon Go down south. I've never been happier to live in the Bible Belt.
- What's the only thing happier than a 3 legged dog? A 4 legged dog.
- 'You seem happier in summer,' said my wife. I said, 'Well, she's my favourite h**....'
Happier Than Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about happier than you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean fatter than jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make happier than pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How to test for Happiness as a Man (This really works!)
Step 1: Lock your partner & dog into a trunk of a car.
Step 2: Wait an Hour.
Step 3: Open Trunk.
Step 4: Note which one is happier to see you.
Jimmy Norton Deserves More Criticism
Jimmy should have left the show. If he's actually interested in putting out a quality comedic product, how can he remain doing the O&J show?
I'm tired of people saying that "anyone would have taken the paycheck." Jimmy's a middle-aged man with no wife, no kids, a decent amount of assets, and multiple sources of income. Why is he always so concerned about money?
2 years ago, I worked a 6-figure job that I hated to pursue an art career. I make 1/3rd of what I used to, but I'm way happier and have no regrets. If I had a wife + kids, obviously it'd be different.
Unlike Patrice or Colin or Burr, Jimmy's always been more interested in being famous than being a great comedian, and that perspective is why he'll never be a great stand-up.
Who loves you more - your SO or your dog?
Try locking them both in the your car and see who's happier to see you when you return 4 hours later
Blonde Special
The other day my neighbour, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck, and I starting jumping up and down along with her.
She said, "I have some really great news!"
I said, "Great. Tell me why you're so happy."
She stopped jumping and, breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant! I knew that she had been trying for a while so I told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier for you!" Then she said, "There's more."
I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?"
She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!"
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew. She said....
"Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack. Both tests came out positive!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A professor walks in to a class….
He has a hypothesis. He claims the people who have s**... most often are the happiest. To prove, he divides the class in to three groups. People having s**... once a month are put to one corner. They are the least happy. People having s**... once a week are put to another corner. They are slightly happier. And finally people having s**... more than once a week are put to yet another corner. They are even happier.
But o**... is still sitting in the class. To see he's the happiest of them all! The professor is shaken. This chap is going to prove him wrong! Professor walks to him and ask;
Prof.: How often do you have s**... son?
Guy: Once a year.
Prof.: Then how come you are so happy?!
Guy: IT'S TODAY! IT'S TODAY! IT'S TODAY!
Cr
Graduation unlike before
2 Asian kids graduated from High School. The school had never witnessed this phenomena, but both of them were #1 in their class. Long story short the parents couldn't be happier....it was a Nguyen, Nguyen for them.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How to find out who loves you more - your dog or your wife?
Easy. Lock them both in a trunk and watch who will be happier to see you after you open it in 15 minutes.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How do you know a dog is better than a wife?
Lock them both in the trunk of your car and see who is happier to see you after an hour when you let them out.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I actually like having s**... with a c**....
It only took 12 abortions but I feel happier now.
Nobody's happier about hurricane Irma than Hillary Clinton and Al Gore
It's the only reason their books are flying off the shelves in Florida.
Long ago, when dinosaurs walked the earth,...
A young Tyrannosaurus Rex was out on the hunt when he stopped to take a drink from a nearby lake.
There, cooling off in the water, he saw the most beautiful Triceratops in all of Pangea. He asked her her name and invited her to go out hunting but she told him she wasn't really into that kind of thing.
The T-Rex liked her anyway though so they started going together.
Even though his parents complained that it was awkward at Christmas dinner and all his friends laughed about how she had him eating salads, he still asked her to marry him.
He was happier because he'd never met a dinosaur like herbivore.
A student writes her parent's, "Deare$t Mom and Dad,
college i$ going well. I am making many friend$ and learning lot$. But $omething i$ mi$$ing, I ju$t wi$h I knew what it wa$. Anyway$, be$t wi$hes and I'll talk to you again $oon.
Her parents respond,
Dearest Daughter,
NOthing makes us happier than kNOwing you're doing well. We NOtice all the hard work and commitment you have put into your studies and it is definitely NOteworthy. We just wanted to ackNOwledge your accomplishments. Thank you for your letter and we love you.
There was once a professional French soccer team whose players were all ducks
Named Le Tariat, they were so good that all other teams were amateur by comparison. This led to a lot of resentment, and the other teams all shunned them. While most simply ignored them, a few were very mean about it.
Le Tariat hatched a plan to kidnap the meanest of the players who were shunning them. In the middle of the night they did exactly that. They were caught though, and ended up going to prison where, being much smaller than the human inmates, they had a very bad time.
So in the end, seizing the meanies of pro duck shun didn't make the pro Le Tariat any happier.
My friend John went to a psychic
He was really skeptical about it at first but seeing his friends getting happier after seances he decided to give it a try. Next day he finally met the psychic. She was a woman in her mid thirties wearing some kind of rags and a crown made out of plastic. She got out a crystal ball and started looking at John's future. Suddenly, she started laughing uncontrollably. John got furious and punched her in the nose.
It was the first time John had ever struck a happy medium.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My darling asked me what I wanted for Xmas, and I said, "Nothing would make me happier than o**... s**...."
So that's what she gave me.
Nothing.
Happiness
Vladimir Putin, Kim Jong Un and Donald Trump are on a plane. As the plane flies over a poor city, the Korean dictator looks through the window and claims:
-If I were to toss a dollar off the plane, I would make one person happy.
-If I were to throw a hundred dollars in pennies, I could make entire families happier,- says President Putin.
-Please, the amount of spare change I could find in my pockets alone would cheer up the city,- boasts President Trump.
-And if I were to throw you three off the plane, I would make the entire humanity happy,- adds the pilot.
Pre-Marriage vs Post-Marriage
Below is an example of what a typical conversation between a couple on a date will be like :
Guy: "I've never been this happier in my life..."
Girl: "Will you ever leave me?"
Guy: "Not in a million years!"
Girl: "Did you love me?"
Guy: "Of course! I'll always do!"
Girl: "Have you ever cheated on me?"
Guy: "No! I'll never have that horrific thought cross my mind!"
Girl: "Let's kiss!"
Guy: "Yes..."
Girl: "Sweetie..."
So, what happens if they got married? Well, just read in reverse.
A politician is speaking at a rally and says
"I never thought id be happier than my first time in politics but then my wife came along"
Crowd "Awwww"
"And made sure of it"
Every woman would be happy to have a new dress...
But she would be even happier to fit into an old one!
I couldn't be happier with my wife.
As soon as I show any hint of excitement or passion she immediately shuts me down.
The Royal Wedding is like my upcoming dentist appointment.
I'll be happier when it's over.
it is better to get dog than a wife...
Your wife gets mad if you come home late at night. While your dog gets even happier if you came home even later.
I saw biggish girl at the pub last night,
Her t shirt said "watch out I'm a man eater!"
I went up to her and said " excuse me, love ... About your t shirt slogan."
She interrupted me and angrily snapped " oh let me guess: you want to know how many man I've eaten? Well, you know what, I can't help my size."
I said "Actually, no, I wasn't going to say that at all. "
She looks happier and smiled as she said "Oh yes, what did you what to say then?"
"That's not how you spell manatee."
I divorced my best friend 10 years ago...
My wife is a lot happier now, but Dave.....Dave's not here
I went a little ways up in elevation, and I would've been happier
But things went really downhill after that.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I heard about this farmer who was feeding his cows m**... so they would be happier and produce more offspring.
I can't recommend it because the steaks would be too high.
Did you hear about the incontinent tomato grower?
He soiled his plants! They've never been happier.
A man's in-laws are causing him severe stress....
It's gotten so bad that he's decided to talk to his doctor about the physical pain he's experiencing. The doctor prescribes him some painkillers and sends him on his way.
A few days later, the man comes back complaining that the painkillers aren't working. The doctor ups his dose and sees him out. This process continues until a few weeks later. The man is visibly happier and healthier. The doctor asks him if the painkillers worked.
"Yep! They're finally dead."
When I was a teenager, I used to flush my anti-depressants down the toilet.
Not good for my my mental health, but the Dog was never happier.
Unfortunately, the woman I lost my virginity to died today
On a happier note, I lost my virginity today
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
As a 29 year old v**..., I hired a h**... today for $300. And have never been happier.
She said she'd do anything.
So guess who just got their college tuition paid
I finally landed my dream job as a palaeontologist
It took years of studying and hard work, but I've never been happier.
As I excavated a new find from the ground, a mother and her young son passed by. She pointed at me and told him, "This is why you need to do well at school and get a good job, or else you'll spend the rest of your life digging in a hole just like him."
Two old friends are catching up for the first time in a few months.
Dave: How's those memory pills you're on Bill, are they working?
Bill: They're fantastic mate, couldn't be happier. I'm remembering old faces, recalling old times, I'm very happy.
Dave: Hmm, what are they called, I might have to get some for myself.
Bill: Oh, umm, gee, what's the name of that flower?
Dave: Daisy?
Bill: No no no, the really pretty flower.
Dave: A tulip?
Bill: No, that's not it either, the romantic flower that grows in the garden.
Dave: A rose?
Bill: Yes! That's it, a rose. (Yelling to his wife) Hey Rose, what's the name of that medication I'm on?!
Be kind, it's my first joke...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I have found that I have been happier since I switched from coffee to orange juice.
My Dr. explained that it's the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it's the v**....
I used to put my phone under my pillow so I could feel the alarm
Now I just put it in my pants. I've never woken up happier
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Russian man dies
Russian man die, but for him suffer not over. Man very wicked, and go to h**.... There devil make punish: he burn in lake of fire. Is warm. Russian man finally happy.
So devil make lake hotter. But Russian man now is warmer. Now is happier.
Devil get very frustrate. So devil make fire lake into ice lake--lake cold as million Russian winter. But Russia man now happiest of all!
"Devil!" he say, "h**... is freeze! Russia is finally happy country!"
But is not true. Is only story.
Also, man not in h**..., only Russia.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Bull
A week after John bought a bull, he complained to his friend, All that bull does is eat grass. Won't even look at a cow.
Take him to the vet, his friend suggested.
The next week, John is much happier. The vet gave him some pills, and the bull serviced all of my cows! he told his pal. Then he broke through the fence and bred with all my neighbor's cows! He's like a machine!
What kind of pills were they? asked the friend.
I don't know, but they've got a peppermint taste.