hans Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious hans puns

A German was going to a trip in France...

He reached passport control and the officer asked:


"Hans Kleiner"




"No no, just visiting"


A German man visiting France

He's stopped at customs. The officer asks him, "Name?"

"Hans Muller" replies the German.


"No, just visiting this time."


A German man goes on holiday

to Poland, he gets stopped at the border (because it's an out of date joke), and the border guard checks his papers and decides to ask him a few questions


"Hans Schmidt"



"Place of birth?"



"No, just visiting"


I deleted all the German contacts out of my phone...

now its Hans free


A German man was crossing the border into France...

The French border guard asked to see his papers, as he skimmed through them he ran off a stream of questions.


The German smiled, "Hans Lehrer"


The German replied, "37"


The German shook his head,
"No, not this time."


A German boy pushed his brother off a cliff.

He then turned to his mother and said "Look Mom! No Hans!"


Why did Harrison Ford Crash his plane?

because he was flying solo and went look no hans...


A German is at the border to go to Poland.

The officer asks him:


Hans Gruber.


123 SpiegelStrasse, Berlin


Nein, just visiting.


A young couple adopt a German baby.

A young couple adopt a German baby. He was perfectly normal except for the fact he never spoke, not even a word.
One day aged five while the family were having dessert he suddenly says, "This strudel is tepid."
His parents are completely amazed. "Hans you can talk! Why haven't you spoken before now?"
The boy turned to the parents and slowly replies, "Until now, everything has been satisfactory."


A german man goes to Poland. Crossing the border, the guard asks reviews his documents.

Pole: Name?

German: Hans Guttermark

Pole: Age?

German: Neunundzwanzig.

Pole: Occupation?

German: *smiles* Nein, just visiting!ο»Ώ


In 1941, a German boy named Hans was listening to the radio.

Over the radio, Hitler announced that Germany was now going to war with the United States.

"Father, where's the United States?" asked Hans. His father pointed on a map to the continental nation in North America.

"And I'm told we're already at war with Russia," the curious lad continued. "Where is Russia?" His father pointed to where Soviet Russia lay in all its time zone-hogging glory.

"And we're also at war with the British Empire," added Hans. "Where is that?" His father pointed out all the territories of the empire upon which the sun never set.

"And where is Germany?" asked Hans. His father pointed to their country in central Europe.

Hans thought for a moment and then said, "Father, has Hitler seen this map?"


Dad's job

(German here)

The teacher asks the children what their dad's are doing for a job. All very exited shouted all different professions;

"Police Office, Fireman, banker, accountant, ..." ... only Hans remained quiet.

So, the teach asks "Hans, what is you dad doing as a job?"

"Oh, he's dancing naked at a gay club and sometimes man pay him more money and they go to a motel together".

"Is that true, Hans?" The teacher asks shocked.

"No, he's playing football (soccer) for the German national team but that would have been too embarrassing.


I just deleted all the German names from my phone

Now it's Hans free.


A German is visiting France.

The border patrol officer asks, "name?"

Hans Mueller.


No, just visiting this time.


How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?

Quite a few, after all, many Hans make light work


Die Hard is the best Christmas movie

Hans down


Hans the Norwegian

Hans was arrested for speeding... driving 66 miles an hour in a 50 mph zone. However, he explained to the officer,

"I saw a big sign vit 66 on it."

"That's Highway 66," the officer said disgustedly.

"Goodness sakes," replied Hans, "you should have seen me yesterday on highway 110!"


What did the child say after World War II ended?

"Look, ma! No Hans!"


Dad, my Geography teacher Adolf will give me a quiz tomorrow.

Sure Hans. Let me ask you some questions.

Capital of Germany? Berlin

Capital of France? Berlin

Capital of Russia? Berlin

Capital of Poland? Berlin

Capital of USA? Tokyo

Capital of China? Tokyo

Hotel? Trivago

That's my boy.


What do you call a German jazz player?

Jazz Hans.


How does this name fit?

Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, Hans Olaffsen's Laundry.
Hans Olaffsen?, he muses. How in the world that name fits in here? So he decides to walk into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter.
The tourist asks, How did this place get a name like Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?

The old man answers, Is name of owner.

The tourist asks, Well, who and where is the owner?

Me...is right here,replies the old man.

You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?

Is simple, says the old man. Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go, What your name? He say, Hans Olaffsen. Then she look at me and go, What your name?

I say... Sem Ting.


3 Women sitting in a cafΓ©.

Three women, a german, a french and a turkish one are sitting in a cafΓ©, talking about how they educate their men. So the german one starts: "I say to my Hans, Hans Im no longer doing the dishes. The first day I dont see anything, the second day neither. On the third day, look, he is doing the dishes." The french one replies: " I say to my Jeanne-Claude, I dont cook anymore. The first day I dont see anything, the second day neither. On the third day, voila, he is cooking!" At last the turkish one says : " I say to my Ahmed, I dont wash your clothing anymore. The first day I dont see anything, the second day I dont see anything, the third day I can see a little with my left eye."


Hippos, custard and tapas: the 10 funniest jokes of the Edinburgh fringe

1. Darren Walsh: I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It's Hans free.

2. Stewart Francis: Kim Kardashian is saddled with a huge arse … but enough about Kanye West.

3. Adam Hess: Surely every car is a people carrier?

4. Masai Graham: What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.

5. Dave Green: If I could take just one thing to a desert island, I probably wouldn't go.

6. Mark Nelson: Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That's not a miracle. That's tapas.

7. Tom Parry: Red sky at night: shepherd's delight. Blue sky at night: day.

8. Alun Cochrane: The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves.

9. Simon Munnery: Clowns divorce: custardy battle.

10. Grace the Child: They're always telling me to live my dreams. But I don't want to be naked in an exam I haven't revised for.


How many Germans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

I don't know the exact number, but many Hans make light work.


How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?

A lot. Many Hans make light work.


A News Anchor is in an Islamic country interviewing the civilians.

The news anchor asks a woman:"Are you being oppressed?"
The woman stutters:"I...I have to ask my husband."

Source/Inspiration: Dutch comedian Hans Teeuwen


I just deleted all the German friends off my phone

It's Hans free


Hans Wolfgang

A man, (lets call him Adam) is walking through his new city neighborhood looking for a dry-cleaners. He goes on to find one cleaners called "Hals Wolfgang's Express Clean." Curious, he walks in the building to find it almost empty, exept for the manager, a small, old, asian man. Adam walks up to the old man and starts a conversation.

Adam: Are you the owner of this store?
Man: Yes I am.
Adam: So...you're Hans Wolfgang?
Man: Yes, why?
Adam: Nothing...it's just a very unusual name for an asian man.
Man: Well, there's a story behind it. When I was comming into America a long, long time ago, they sorted us into one long line where we told our names. The man before me in that line, his name was Hans Wolfgang. After he left, I went up, and said.."Saim Ting"


Hans, how was your first day at the Coast Guard Station?

Not so good... Very boring it was. Very quiet, most of zee day, but zen... a british guy said he was sinking.

He was sinking?

Yes, so I asked him about what he was sinking, and he never replied. How rude!


Hans meets an art dealer on vacation

A German man is on vacation in Spain. He sees a local man selling artwork, so he goes over and checks out his wares. He notices a print of Picasso's Guernica on an easel. The German asks did you do this? , to which the Spaniard replied, nope. you did.


How does Kylo Ren talk on the phone in his helmet?

He uses a hans free device


What did the German kid say when he pushed his brother off a cliff?

"Look ma, no Hans"


A tourist in Chinatown sees a sign advertising "Hans Olafsen's Laundry"

He goes inside to check it out, and there's an old Asian man in the corner.
"How did this place get named 'Hans Olafsen's Laundry'?" he asks.
"It's named after me, Hans Olafsen." said the man.
"That's an unusual name for a Chinese man" observed the tourist.
"When I was in the immigration center, I followed a man named Hans Olafsen. When they asked my name, I told them 'Sam Ting'".


I know a guy who owns an electrics and wiring company. He swears by employing only Germans and sending about a dozen of them to each contract....

He reckons that many Hans make lights work.


Hans and Jervaise....

A man walks into a restaurant and orders squid. "Certainly sir," says Jervaise, the waiter. "Would you like to choose your squid from the tank over there?" "I'll have that little green one with the moustache," says the customer. "Oh no!" replies Jervaise. "But he's my favourite! He's so small and cute and friendly. Surely you'd prefer one of the bigger, meatier ones?"
"No," says the customer. "It's got to be that one". So Jervaise gets the little green squid out and puts him on the chopping block, raises his knife and ... the little squid looks up and smiles, twitching his bushy moustache into a big friendly grin!
"It's no good' says Jervaise. "I can't do it. I'll have to ask Hans who does the washing up. He's a big, tough brute - he'll be able to do the evil deed?' So out comes Hans, while Jervaise disappears off in tears. Hans picks up the knife, raises it to chop the little squid's head off and ... once again the little friendly squid looks up and smiles, wiggling his little legs and twitching his little moustache. So Hans, too, finds it impossible to kill him.
The moral?
Now Hans that does dishes can be as soft as Jervaise with vile green hairy-lip squid.


What are the most funny Hans jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Hans? Well, here are the best Hans dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Hans pick up lines to share with friends.

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