Hans Jokes
81 hans jokes and hilarious hans puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about hans that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Enjoy hilarious Hans jokes inspired by Sankt Hans, Hans Solo, Hans Gruber, and other well-known Hans characters. From Ich and Sven to Von, these jokes are sure to make you and your friends laugh out loud. Start celebrating the midsummer holiday with a few Hans-themed jokes.
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Funniest Hans Short Jokes
Short hans jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The hans humour may include short jokes also.
- A German was going to a trip in France... He reached passport control and the officer asked:
"Name?"
"Hans Kleiner"
"Age?"
"31"
"Occupation?"
"No no, just visiting" - Why did Princess Leia date so many guys before she found Han? She was looking for love in Alderaan places.
- Kylo Ren: I've always hated being an only child Han: You're not an only child. You're a Solo child.
- Han Solo's diet mainly consists of protein and fat... But he allows himself one carb a night.
- A German boy pushed his brother off a cliff. He then turned to his mother and said "Look Mom! No Hans!"
- A German is at the border to go to Poland. The officer asks him:
Name?
Hans Gruber.
Address?
123 SpiegelStrasse, Berlin
Occupation?
Nein, just visiting. - Han Solo ordered a steak in the shape of a Wookie. He sent it back to the kitchen because it was a little chewy.
- Han and Leia never planned on having a baby. They decided their form of birth control would be the pull-out method. But Han shot first.
- Did you hear Han Solo will be running next years London Marathon? He says he reckons he'll be able to finish in less than 26 miles
- Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I've never seen Han so low.
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Hans One Liners
Which hans one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with hans? I can suggest the ones about and .
- Why didn't Han Solo enjoy his steak dinner? It was Chewie.
- Yodas Logic Han Solo: Yoda are we going the right way?
Yoda: Offcourse we are - What's Han Solo's favorite type of video game? First person shooter.
- Who plays Han Solo in the norwegian version of Star Wars? Harrison Fjord!
- I recently got rid of all the German contacts on my phone Now it's Hans-Free
- Why was Leia disappointed on her wedding night? Han shot first.
- Watching Solo die was my favorite part of The Force Awakens.... Han's down.
- Why did Han Solo call Chewbacca a noob? He made a Wookiee mistake
- What was wrong with Han Solo's "Hanburgers"? They were really Chewie!
- Die Hard is the best Christmas movie Hans down
- What did the child say after World War II ended? "Look, ma! No Hans!"
- What do you call a German jazz player? Jazz Hans.
- How does Han Solo like his is Tauntaun steaks? Chewie and Luke-warm
- What Star Wars character would be best at limbo? Han So Low
- Casinos make a lot of money from Han Solo They never tell him the odds
Hans Solo Jokes
Here is a list of funny hans solo jokes and even better hans solo puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Ill be spending this valentines day like Han. Solo.
- What's Han Solo's favorite gum? Big League Chewie
- why does Han Solo like gum so much? Because it's chewy
- Why did Han Solo become a vegetarian? Because the last steak he ate was really Chewy.
- Why did Han go out Black Friday shopping.? ... because the prices were Solo
- What does Han Solo hate most? Sub-parsecs.
- What did Han Solo's last name change too after he married Leia? Han Duet.
- In a way, Han Solo was a bit like a modern Icarus. They both got too close to the son.
- What happened to Han when Chewie wouldn't do the marathon? He Ran Solo...
- How did the captain of the Millennium Falcon satisfy himself before he met Leia? With his Hans, Solo
Happy Hans Jokes for a Lighthearted Night with Friends
What funny jokes about hans you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make hans pranks.
Hans Wolfgang
A man, (lets call him Adam) is walking through his new city neighborhood looking for a dry-cleaners. He goes on to find one cleaners called "Hals Wolfgang's Express Clean." Curious, he walks in the building to find it almost empty, exept for the manager, a small, old, asian man. Adam walks up to the old man and starts a conversation.
Adam: Are you the owner of this store?
Man: Yes I am.
Adam: So...you're Hans Wolfgang?
Man: Yes, why?
Adam: Nothing...it's just a very unusual name for an asian man.
Man: Well, there's a story behind it. When I was comming into America a long, long time ago, they sorted us into one long line where we told our names. The man before me in that line, his name was Hans Wolfgang. After he left, I went up, and said.."Saim Ting"
Hans and Jervaise....
A man walks into a restaurant and orders squid. "Certainly sir," says Jervaise, the waiter. "Would you like to choose your squid from the tank over there?" "I'll have that little green one with the moustache," says the customer. "Oh no!" replies Jervaise. "But he's my favourite! He's so small and cute and friendly. Surely you'd prefer one of the bigger, meatier ones?"
"No," says the customer. "It's got to be that one". So Jervaise gets the little green squid out and puts him on the chopping block, raises his knife and ... the little squid looks up and smiles, twitching his bushy moustache into a big friendly grin!
"It's no good' says Jervaise. "I can't do it. I'll have to ask Hans who does the washing up. He's a big, tough brute - he'll be able to do the evil deed?' So out comes Hans, while Jervaise disappears off in tears. Hans picks up the knife, raises it to chop the little squid's head off and ... once again the little friendly squid looks up and smiles, wiggling his little legs and twitching his little moustache. So Hans, too, finds it impossible to kill him.
The moral?
Now Hans that does dishes can be as soft as Jervaise with vile green hairy-lip squid.
What is Dale Earnhardt's philosophy on big government?
HANS off.
Hans the Norwegian
Hans was arrested for speeding... driving 66 miles an hour in a 50 mph zone. However, he explained to the officer,
"I saw a big sign vit 66 on it."
"That's Highway 66," the officer said disgustedly.
"Goodness sakes," replied Hans, "you should have seen me yesterday on highway 110!"
How does this name fit?
Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, Hans Olaffsen's Laundry.
Hans Olaffsen?, he muses. How in the world that name fits in here? So he decides to walk into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter.
The tourist asks, How did this place get a name like Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?
The old man answers, Is name of owner.
The tourist asks, Well, who and where is the owner?
Me...is right here,replies the old man.
You? How did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?
Is simple, says the old man. Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Documentation Center. Man in front was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go, What your name? He say, Hans Olaffsen. Then she look at me and go, What your name?
I say... Sem Ting.
Hans meets an art dealer on vacation
A German man is on vacation in Spain. He sees a local man selling artwork, so he goes over and checks out his wares. He notices a print of Picasso's Guernica on an easel. The German asks did you do this? , to which the Spaniard replied, nope. you did.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How many Germans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
I don't know the exact number, but many Hans make light work.
A tourist in Chinatown sees a sign advertising "Hans Olafsen's Laundry"
He goes inside to check it out, and there's an old Asian man in the corner.
"How did this place get named 'Hans Olafsen's Laundry'?" he asks.
"It's named after me, Hans Olafsen." said the man.
"That's an unusual name for a Chinese man" observed the tourist.
"When I was in the immigration center, I followed a man named Hans Olafsen. When they asked my name, I told them 'Sam Ting'".
Hans Zimmer was inspired by one composer in particular when writing the Inception soundtrack...
Brahms
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why do all the ladies love Hans Solo?
He's Hung So Lo.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
In 1941, a German boy named Hans was listening to the radio.
Over the radio, h**... announced that Germany was now going to war with the United States.
"Father, where's the United States?" asked Hans. His father pointed on a map to the continental nation in North America.
"And I'm told we're already at war with Russia," the curious lad continued. "Where is Russia?" His father pointed to where Soviet Russia lay in all its time zone-hogging glory.
"And we're also at war with the British Empire," added Hans. "Where is that?" His father pointed out all the territories of the empire upon which the sun never set.
"And where is Germany?" asked Hans. His father pointed to their country in central Europe.
Hans thought for a moment and then said, "Father, has h**... seen this map?"
Austria, mid-1950s
Once upon a time in an Austrian elementary school, the children were preparing for the school play. This year it was about classical musicians. The teacher asked some students who they'd like to portray in the production. Hans wanted to be Mozart, Johan wanted to be Beethoven, and Karl wanted to be Brahms. When little Arnold was asked, he replied "I'll be Bach!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why did Harrison ford c**... his plane?
because he was flying solo and went look no hans...
The mother of all Dad jokes.
Dad: *Picks up caterpillar* I'll name him Hans!
Person: "Why?"
Dad: "Because he's got lots of Hans!"
What's Hans Zimmer's favorite food?
Top BRAAAAAHHHHMMMMMen
Can you tell me what the Hanson song MmmBop is about?
You think you can, but you don't know.
Hans and Klaus went mountain climbing with their mother, but she slipped and fell 1,500 feet to her death. Klaus exclaims, "Look Hans, no Ma ! .
A News Anchor is in an Islamic country interviewing the civilians.
The news anchor asks a woman:"Are you being oppressed?"
The woman stutters:"I...I have to ask my husband."
Source/Inspiration: Dutch comedian Hans Teeuwen
What do you call an old film composer?
Hans Zimmer-frame
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What did the handicapped racecar driver say?
"I have no Hans"
How does Kylo Ren talk on the phone in his helmet?
He uses a hans free device
A German man goes on holiday
to Poland, he gets stopped at the border (because it's an out of date joke), and the border guard checks his papers and decides to ask him a few questions
"Name?"
"Hans Schmidt"
"Age?"
"32"
"Place of birth?"
"Dusseldorf"
"Occupation?"
"No, just visiting"
An old German saying:
One Hans makes light work
What did Hanson say when they played bop it?
Mmmm bop it!!
A German man was crossing the border into France...
The French border guard asked to see his papers, as he skimmed through them he ran off a stream of questions.
"Name?"
The German smiled, "Hans Lehrer"
"Age?"
The German replied, "37"
"Occupation?"
The German shook his head,
"No, not this time."
Hans, how was your first day at the Coast Guard Station?
Not so good... Very boring it was. Very quiet, most of zee day, but zen... a british guy said he was sinking.
He was sinking?
Yes, so I asked him about what he was sinking, and he never replied. How rude!
Why was Hans the thief not happy being in the party full of paladins?
They kept casting lay on Hans.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?
Quite a few, after all, many Hans make light work
How did Hansel and Gretel get lost in das woods?
the trail was crumby.
You can have my Die Hard puns...
When you pry them from my cold, dead, Hans.
There's a new German brand of shoes called
Hans off the vall.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why is Harrison Ford a lousy lover?
Because he prefers going Hans Solo.
My breaker box wasn't functioning properly so I called 6 of my German friends over to see if they could fix it and they did! You know what they say...
Many Hans make light work.
What do you call the pilot of the Millennial Falcon?
Hans YOLO!
What did the German dad say to his wife while he was giving the baby a bath?
I'm washing my Hans.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Without sausage and eggs please
~ Hans, 53, calling for a Thai p**....
Cringey star wars joke
Just thought of a cringey star wars joke while being unable to sleep
Q- What was Hans Solo's response to Princess Leia when she asked where he had been all her life?
A- In Alderaan places
Swedish recruit goes in to the Supply Sergeant for his first weapons issue:
*" Hallo, my name is Hans ... where are my arms? "*
A little boy is sitting with his grandfather (Hans) on a hill overlooking their small town.
The grandfather points out a church in the middle of town and says, "you see that church? I built it, but do they call me "Hans the Church Builder"? No."
A couple minutes later, Hans points out a long brick wall along the outskirts of town. He says to his grandson, "you see that brick wall? I laid all those bricks, but do they call me "Hans the Brick-Layer"? No."
A little while later, Hans points to a bridge just outside of town and says "you see that bridge? I built that bridge! Do they call me "Hans the Bridge-Builder"? No! But you f\*\*k *one sheep*..."
The W.H.O. have just put an eminent German Doctor in charge of their pandemic response..
He's Dr Hans Sanitizer.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My incompetent uncle Hans worked at a sausage shop in Frankfurt. One day he fell into the mixer.
Hans is literally the wurst.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?
One pair of Hans should suffice
My uncle Hans (a hotdog lover) has been very ill recently. Last night, craving a hotdog, he went on a drive to the nearest hotdog stand. Sadly, as he was driving, he became even more unwell...
...he took a turn for the wurst.
What do you call a German masseuse?
Hans
A German gets off a flight to Paris, and is going through customs
Customs agent: "Name?"
German: "Hans."
Agent: "Home city?"
German: "Dusseldorf."
Agent: "Occupation?"
German: "Nein, nein, just for a visit."
Why did Hansel and Gretel claim they were sick?
They had Munch hausen.
"Clever Hans" was a horse that could count. But you know what's more impressive than a counting horse?
...a spelling bee.
Holly Gennaro was angry with me for dropping her wristwatch when I saved her at Nakatomi Plaza. But what could I do?
My Hans slipped.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Say what you will about Die Hard, but it has the best ending for a Christmas movie…
Hans down.
