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Hangs Jokes

109 hangs jokes and hilarious hangs puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about hangs that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Hangs Short Jokes

Short hangs jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The hangs humour may include short hanging jokes also.

  1. What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? You only need one nail to hang the picture up.
  2. In high school some kids told me they'd give me $20 to hang out with them. Turns out it was just clique bait.
  3. Actually, the past tense is "hanged", as in "he hanged himself" Sorry about your Dad, though
  4. I asked my girlfriend if she'd like a day of eating ice cream and hanging with her girl friends. She said "Yes!". I said "Good, because I'm breaking up with you."
  5. Photographers are so violent. They'll frame you, shoot you, blow you up and then hang you.
  6. As an executioner, I often ask prisoners for their last requests. My last inmate asked me for a high five, but I just left him hanging
  7. Why do white teenage girls always hang out in groups of 3, 5 or 7? They just, like, literally can't even
  8. Anyone know where a guy can find someone to hang out with, maybe have a few beers with, talk to, and kinda just enjoy spending time with? Asking for a friend.
  9. What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke the hole that it's often poked before? A key!
    This is one of the oldest jokes ever recorded. It was found in a 10th century book of Anglo Saxon poetry.
  10. Why don’t comedians like hanging out with Will Smith? Because he’s always improving their punchlines.

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Hangs One Liners

Which hangs one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with hangs? I can suggest the ones about hanger and hanging from ceiling.

  1. Why didn't the japanese guy get a high five? Because Logan Paul left him hanging.
  2. Why do teenage girls hang out in odd-numbered groups? Because they can't even.
  3. Never try to hi-five Logan Paul You won't be the first person he's left hanging.
  4. I'm in the middle of hanging myself. The suspense is killing me.
  5. Aaron Hernandez set a new nfl record Longest hang time by a player who doesn't punt
  6. What end of the rope did Aaron Hernandez hang himself with? The tight end.
  7. You can't hang a man with a wooden leg, You need a rope.
  8. Where can I find someone to hang out with and share a companionship? Asking for a friend.
  9. What is a guy who hangs out with musicians called? A singer
  10. I like my women like I like my grenades Hanging around my belt and ready to blow.
  11. Hanging a Beggar is good in theory, but... Is actually just Poor Execution
  12. Where do superheroes hang out? Cape Town
  13. Anyone wanna hang out, grab a drink or shoot some pool? Asking for a friend
  14. What do you do when your suicidal friend asks for a hi-five? You leave him hanging....
  15. What's the best part of having a suicidal coat? It hangs itself

Hangs Lower Jokes

Here is a list of funny hangs lower jokes and even better hangs lower puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • How do you know a palm tree is getting old? It's coconuts hang lower than its trunk.
  • Why do so many old New Yorkers move to Florida? Because every part of their body has started to sag, hang lower, or generally head South.
  • Is it normal if one of my t**... Hangs lower than the other two?
Hangs joke, Is it normal if one of my t**...

Great Hangs Jokes to Share, Laugh and Enjoy with Friends

What funny jokes about hangs you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean hanging picture jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make hangs pranks.

Men's Helpline

Men's Helpline
"Hello, you have reached the Men's Help Line, my name is Bob. How can I help you?"
"Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. You know, just the usual signs: The phone rings and when I answer, the caller hangs up. Plus, she goes out with the girls a lot. I usually try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I always fall asleep. Anyway, last night about midnight, I woke up and she was not home. So, I hid in the garage, behind my boat and waited for her. When she came home, she got out of someone's car, buttoning her blouse. Then she took her p**... out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, while crouching behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?"

furniture disease

i just got home from the doctor's and i have really bad news.
turns out i have the furniture disease.
its where your chest hangs down past your drawers

A gay deer goes into a bar.....

A gay deer goes into a bar, hangs out for a couple of hours, blows 42 bucks.

An 85 year old man goes to his doctor for his annual checkup...

... Doc says, Mr. Jones, I have bad news and worse news.
"Whats the worse news?"
"You have a relatively large brain tumor that is very aggressive and the treatment options are almost nonexistent, so I'm afraid you have about 6 months to live."
Mr. Jones hangs his head for a couple moments and looks up to ask, "And the bad news?"
"you have Alzheimers."
Mr. Jones frowns and says, "well, at least I don't have cancer."

What is the name of an Irish girl who hangs out on your lawn?


Patti O'Furniture

3 kids are discussing how they were made

One says, "The stork brought me!"
The second one says, "I was downloaded from the internet!"
The third one hangs his head down in shame and says, "Well, my family is poor, and my parents makes everything themselves."

What's white and sticky?

What's white and sticky and hangs from the clouds?
.
The second coming of the Lord

A Man Calls in Sick to Work

A man calls in sick to work. He says "Boss, I'm really not feeling well today, I'm going to have to take today off." His boss says, "Hey, just do what I do whenever I'm not feeling well. I get my wife to have s**... with me, and I always feel a million times better!" The guy says, "All right, I'll give it a try," and hangs up.
About an hour later he calls his boss again, "Hey boss, you were right! I feel lots better! By the way, you've got a NICE house!"

Quadriplegic jokes I've gathered from over the years.

What do you call a quadriplegic that hangs on your wall?
Art.
What do you call a quadriplegic that lays on your porch?
Matt.
What do you call a quadriplegic that is in a hole?
Doug.
What do you call a quadriplegic in a ditch?
Phil.
What do you call a quadriplegic doing water ski jumps?
Skip.
What do you call a quadriplegic floating in the water?
Bob.
What do you call a quadriplegic playing in a pile of leaves?
Russell.
What do you call a quadriplegic inside of your mail box?
Bill.

Ending It All

A very old woman realizes that she's seen and done everything and the time has come to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she decides to shoot herself through the heart.
Not wanting to make a mistake, she phones her doctor and asks him the exact location of the heart. He tells her that the heart is located two inches below the left n**....
The old woman hangs up the phone, takes careful aim and shoots herself in the left knee.

A man calls his wife late at night.

He says, "I'm sorry honey, but i'm going to be staying with Jack tonight."
She says, "Its ok, honey. I'll see you in the morning, love you."
"I love you, too dear. Have a good night."
The wife quietly hangs up the phone and turns to the man in her bed, "Its ok, my husband is with you tonight."
-Redd Foxx

What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?

a drummer ...

A woman and a man are lying in bed

A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other when her phone rings.
She picks up, the man looks over at her and listens. She is speaking in a cheery voice, "Hi. I'm so glad you called. Really? That's wonderful. I'm so happy for you. That sounds terrifiic. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."
She hangs up and the man asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh," she replies, "that was my husband telling me about the great time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

Just thought this when making a coffee, I'm sorry...

I've grown a f**... where I love to lick milk off white women's feet, I've been labelled a racist though... it's not my fault I'm black toes intolerant.
Thank you, thank you very much *hangs head in shame*

I r**... a girl once.

I then got AIDS.
How does a 9 year old get AIDS?
I guess my sister hangs out with the wrong group once in a while.

An unemployed guy gets a call from the lady at the Employment agency

Lady : I have two openings for you.
Guy : I know.
The lady hangs up.

What's wrinkly and hangs out your pants?

Your mother.

A man goes to a store to buy groceries.

When he gets to the Butchery, he asks for three steaks.
The butcher asks if he'd like to play a game, after which the man replies that he would.
The butcher climbs a ladder up to the ceiling, easily 9 or 10 feet, and hangs them on hooks up there.
When he climbs down, the butcher says "If you can jump up and get all of your steaks in 3 tries, all of your groceries are free."
The man asks, "What's the catch?"
The butcher replies, "If you fail to get the steaks in three tries, you have to pay for your groceries and those of the man behind you in line."
After some consideration, the man replies "No."
The butcher asks, "Why not?"
The man simply replies "The stakes are too high."

A guy is laying in bed with his mistress...

- Shouldn't your husband be coming soon? Cause I'd rather not see him, he's my best friend after all...
- Don't worry, he won't be here before an hour.
At that moment, the phone rings. The woman answers : "Hi honey. Ok honey, yes honey. Bye Honey"
She hangs up and turns towards her lover :
- It was my husband, he'll be an hour late. He's playing pool with you.

A man is getting ready to go on a business trip...

He has been suspicious of his wife cheating on him. So he places under his bed a spoon attached to a string that hangs on the metal frame with a bowl of milk under it. He measures the weight of his wife in bed alone to make sure it is not in the milk unless there is more weight.
The man leaves and comes home after a few days and looks under his bed to find a bowl of butter.

My Life s**......

...I'm 22 years old and the only job I've had so far was working in fast food. My co-worker hates me and has tried to kill me. Also I have no friends except a southern girl I like and my other friend who only hangs out with me because he is mental. I have to ride my bike everywhere because I can never get my drivers license. And the worst part is, I live in a pineapple.

How to get a day off at work

Woman: I can make the boss give me the day off.
Man: And how would you do that?
Woman: Just wait and see. She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
Boss comes in: What are you doing?
Woman: I'm a light bulb.
Boss: You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off.
The man starts to follow her and the boss says:
Where are you going?
The man says: I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark.

An old Jewish couple is going to bed

The husband can't fall asleep, so his wife asks him:
- Abraham, why can't you fall asleep?
The husband responds:
- I owe Binyamin a lot of money, and I don't think I can give it back in time.
The wife is annoyed, picks up a phone and dials a number on it:
-Hello, Binyamin? Abraham is not going to give the money back!
Then she abruptly hangs the phone, and says:
- If we are not sleeping, he is not sleeping!

So a man calls an airport

A man calls an airport. The receptionist answers.
"Hello."
"Yes, hello. I have a question. How long is the flight from Los Angeles to Paris?"
"Just a minute."
"Thanks," says the man and hangs up.

What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke the hole that it's often poked before?

A key.
~~~~~~~
This is actually a really old joke. From the time that people had keyrings that hung from their waist. It was traced to Anglo Saxxon times (10th century).

Mickey Mouse hangs himself...

He doesn't die though, it's just a case of suspended animation.

What hangs at a man's thigh and is meant to be stuck into a hole all the time?

A key.
----------
This joke was found to have been made in *tenth century England.*

Baby snake (OC)

What do you call a snake that always hangs around its mom?
A momma's boa.

Men's Help Line

MEN"S HELP LINE, "Hello, my name is Bob. How can I help you?"

Caller: "Hi, Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: If the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up. She goes out with 'the girls' a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep.
Anyway, last night about midnight, I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home, she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her p**... out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket.
Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?"

Why does tigger smell?

Becuase he hangs around with pooh!
Had to share my 5 year olds joke..

What's 18 inches long and hangs in front of an a**...

[insert name of political opponent here]'s tie

Oldest known British Joke from 10th century AD.

What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke the hole that it's often poked before?
A key

Trans-continental blonde ....

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?' The agent replies, 'Just a minute.' 'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.

An Australian bin man knocks at the door of a chinese guy

And asks 'where's ya bin mate'
The guy answers 'I bin watching TV!'
The Ozzie asks 'na mate where's ya wheelie bin'
The guy hangs his head and says 'I wheelie been w**...'

Two factory workers are talking.

Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."
The man replies, "And how would you do that?"
The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"
The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."
The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"
The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."

What do you call someone who hangs around with four musicians?

A drummer.
[Bonus]
How do you get the guitarist off your porch? Pay him for the pizza.

Boss hangs a poster in office

Boss hangs a poster in office
'I am the boss, dont forget'
He returns from lunch,
finds a slip on his desk,
'ur wife called, she wants her poster back home..!!'

Why is depressed clothing so convenient?

It hangs itself

A rope walks into a bar

And sees someone sitting at the bar reposting this joke. The rope hangs the reposter.

What's pink, wrinkly and hangs out my underpants?

My mother.

What's it called when a hippy hangs himself?

Tie-die

It's black and hangs on a wire?

A bad electrician!

A woman is suicidally depressed

She's quite obese, unattractive, and lonely. Life having dealt her a bad hand, she buys a p**... and resolves to end her own life.
Wanting it to be quick, she calls her doctor to ask him where the heart is.
"It's right under the left breast", he replies.
So she hangs up, takes a deep breath, and shoots herself in the knee.

A guy accidently calls his boss

Guy: I want a black coffee on my desk right now!
Boss: Do you not know who you're dealing with?!!
Guy: No, who is this?
Boss: Your boss...
Guy: Oh...Well do you not know who you're talking with?!!
Boss: No, i dont.
Guy: Thank god. *Hangs up*

A wife hangs up after about a half-hour on the phone.

A wife hangs up after about a half-hour on the phone. The husband is surprised, "Wow, that was quick - usually you girls are at it for two hours at least!" "Yeah, well, it was a wrong number."

The guy's first day at work.

He picks up the phone, dials the number and shouts:
"Get me one coffee and make it quick!"
The voice from phone says, "What do you want, do you know who you're talking to?"
"No I do not know."
"I'm the manager of this company, you idiot!"
"And do YOU know who are you talking to you imbecile??"
"No." the manager replies.
"Thank God!" The guy says, and hangs up.

What do you call a guy who hangs out with musicians?

A drummer.

Trump, wishing to visit New Zealand calls Bill English

Mr. English's secretary answers the phone. "Hello! This is the office of Bill English."
Trump says "Hello. This is President Donald Trump of the United States of America. I wish to know the time difference between New Zealand and Washington."
The secratary responds "Just a second, Mr. President."
Trump promptly hangs up.

A Chrome tab is just like a traumatic event

It hangs in the background, unnecessarily taking over your memory.

Three guys were traveling on a helicopter.

Suddenly, their engine stops and the chopper falls. The first guy hangs from the leg of the chopper. The second guy hangs from the first guys leg. The third guy hangs from the second guys pants.
As they were falling they agree to sing a last song. The first guy asks to sing and the other two agreed.
"If you're happy and you know it..."

What do you call it when a writer hangs himself off the side of the mountain?

A cliffhanger.

What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke the hole it has often poked before?

**A key**.
--
*Not OC. Rumored to be first joke recorded in 10th century A.D.*

A blond walks into a library while talking on her phone.

When she gets to the front desk she says, "I will have two cheese burgers and s large french fry."
The librarian looks and her and says, "ma'am, this is a library."
The blond looks around and sees all of the shelves full of books. She is very embarrassed, hangs up her phone, and leans forward to whisper, "I will have two cheese burgers and a large fry."

What's pink and wrinkly and hangs out Grandad's trousers?

Grandma on wash day.

What do you call a creepy old guy who hangs out at malls, and has s**... with under age teens?

In Alabama, your Honor, but soon it will be "Senator".

A man walks into a bar with a gun.

A man walks into a bar with a gun and yells out loud, "I have a 1911 with 7 rounds and 1 in the chamber! I heard the man who was sleeping with my wife hangs out here! Where is he!?" From the back of the bar a man shouts out, "You're gonna need more ammo!"

A blond is fed up with her life

A blond woman is fed up with life, so she goes out into the woods and hangs herself. A man walks through the woods, and sees the woman hanging from her waste on a rope tied to a tree.
"What are you doing?" - He asks.

"Hanging myself," she replies.
"Shouldn't the rope be around your neck?" he asks.
She replies, "I tried that, but I couldn't breathe."

The oldest British joke dates back to the 10th Century and reveals the b**... face of the Anglo-Saxons

What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke the hole that it's often poked before?
Answer: A key.

Friend who lives in Russia told me this joke

(English isn't my first language, sorry if the translation isn't the best)
The phone rings at 10 Downing Street.
- Hello, mister Putin would like to speak with Theresa May.
- I'm afraid she's currently sleeping.
- Very well, if she wakes up please tell her that mister Putin would like to talk to her.
- Will do.
- Thank you. *hangs up*
- Wait. What do you mean "if"?

What do you call a person from Portugal?

Portuguese.
What do you call a person from Portugal that hangs out in a pub with a pint in his hand on a match day?
Portugeezer.

A guy is sitting in the living room with his wife when the phone rings.

He picks it up, listens for a moment then says, "I don't know, maybe you should call the coast guard." "Who was that?," his wife asks when he hangs up.. "I'm not sure but they wanted to know if the coast is clear."

What's pink, wrinkly, and hangs out your pants?

Grandma doing laundry

Daddy, why do people hang horses

"Nobody hangs horses, darling," I consoled her. "Who told you that people hang horses?"
"I just heard mommy on the phone saying that her new boss was hung like a horse.

What's black and hangs from a tree?

A tire swing.

An old man goes in for his annual checkup...

After some tests, the doctor comes in and tells him "I've got some bad news and some worse news, which do you want first?". The old man says "Gimme the worse news". Doc says "You've got cancer". Old man shakes his head and asks for the bad news. Doc says "You've got Alzheimer's". Old man hangs his head low for a moment, looks up at the doctor and says "At least I don't have cancer".

One of Rob Lowe's friends is at A Lowes store

While in the store he's on the phone talking to rob. After a while rob invites him over.
He accepts and hangs up and announces in the store,
I'm going to Rob Lowe's!

What do you call a handsome t**... who hangs around liquor joints chatting up girls?

A dirty bar stud.

What hangs at a mans thigh and likes to poke holes?

A key

A little boy called Harry hangs out at the local shop.

The shop owner doesnt know why, but the other boys tease him. They say hes slow and to prove it they always give him the choice between a 5$ note and a 1$ note. He always takes the 1$ note because he likes the look more. The owner asks him one day why he always takes the 1$ to which he simply responds: If i took the 5$ one they would stop doing it.

A blonde rings up an airline and asks: "How long are your flights from America to England?"

The woman on the other end of the phone replies: "Just a minute". The blonde thanks her and hangs up the phone.

What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke the hole that it's often poked before?

A key.

What's yellow and hangs from a tree?

Me if I was yellow and hung from a tree.
What's green and hangs from a tree?
Leaves you idiot.

A film professor hangs a gun on the wall for the first day of class.

Anyone who attended the final failed.

"Only an idiot hangs a strainer from the perimeter"

" that's really a fence sieve."

An elephant is standing on a street corner with an e**....

His thing is HUGE, hangs all the way to the ground.
At that moment a mother is taking her son to school and the son looks at the elephant and says "Mommy what is that?"
Mom: "Oh that's the trunk honey"
Kid: "No mom, further back between the legs"
Mom: "Oh that? That's nothing...." and awkwardly changes the subject.
The next day, same elephant in the same condition is on the corner only this time the dad is taking the kid to school.
Kid: "Hey dad, what is that? It's not the the trunk and it's not the legs, it's in between the legs. Mommy says that's nothing."
The dad thinks for a second and then laughs, "Yeah well, mommy is spoiled."

A man is obsessed with reeling in a big fish...

A man is obsessed with reeling in a big fish, so much so that he eventually buys a huge, synthetic sturgeon and hangs it on the wall above his fireplace.
Eventually, however, looking at the fake trophy makes the man feel like a fraud, and he can't stand it.
One day, he makes a final attempt at fishing up something impressive. Finally, after hours of waiting, he reels in a record-breaking chub, one that weighs more than any other in recorded history.
A fellow fisherman passes by and is impressed.
"Wow! How did you get such a big chub?"
"I saw a plastic sturgeon!"

Light bulb

p**... and John are working on a building site. p**... says to John, I need a day off, I'm going to pretend I've gone mad!
p**... climbs up to the rafters, hangs upside down from them and shouts, I'm a light bulb! I'm a light bulb! While John looks on in amazement.
The foreman shouts, p**... go home, you've gone mad!
As p**... packs his kit, the foreman sees John packing his kit as well.
Foreman says, John where do you think you're going?!
John says, Well I'm not working in the friggen dark!

A man walks in to a bar and hangs his hat and coat on a peg

There's a dog sat in the corner which leaps up grabs the hat and rips it to pieces.
The man turns to the owner of the dog and says: Your dog's just ruined my hat
Dog owner: So what, I couldn't care less.
Man: I don't like your attitude!
Dog owner: It's not my attitude, it's your hat he chewed.

Hangs joke, A man walks in to a bar and hangs his hat and coat on a peg

jokes about hangs