Hanging Jokes
193 hanging jokes and hilarious hanging puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about hanging that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
This article offers a collection of jokes about various "hanging" topics, such as Christmas lights, pictures, hanging baskets, and even hangmen! Get ready to laugh as we explore a variety of funny ideas and scenarios related to the act of hanging.
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Funniest Hanging Short Jokes
Short hanging jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The hanging humour may include short hangs jokes also.
- What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? You only need one nail to hang the picture up.
- In high school some kids told me they'd give me $20 to hang out with them. Turns out it was just clique bait.
- Actually, the past tense is "hanged", as in "he hanged himself" Sorry about your Dad, though
- I asked my girlfriend if she'd like a day of eating ice cream and hanging with her girl friends. She said "Yes!". I said "Good, because I'm breaking up with you."
- Photographers are so violent. They'll frame you, shoot you, blow you up and then hang you.
- As an executioner, I often ask prisoners for their last requests. My last inmate asked me for a high five, but I just left him hanging
- Why do white teenage girls always hang out in groups of 3, 5 or 7? They just, like, literally can't even
- Anyone know where a guy can find someone to hang out with, maybe have a few beers with, talk to, and kinda just enjoy spending time with? Asking for a friend.
- What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke the hole that it's often poked before? A key!
This is one of the oldest jokes ever recorded. It was found in a 10th century book of Anglo Saxon poetry. - Why don’t comedians like hanging out with Will Smith? Because he’s always improving their punchlines.
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Hanging One Liners
Which hanging one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with hanging? I can suggest the ones about coat hanger and suspended.
- Why didn't the japanese guy get a high five? Because Logan Paul left him hanging.
- Why do teenage girls hang out in odd-numbered groups? Because they can't even.
- Never try to hi-five Logan Paul You won't be the first person he's left hanging.
- I'm in the middle of hanging myself. The suspense is killing me.
- Aaron Hernandez set a new nfl record Longest hang time by a player who doesn't punt
- What end of the rope did Aaron Hernandez hang himself with? The tight end.
- You can't hang a man with a wooden leg, You need a rope.
- Where can I find someone to hang out with and share a companionship? Asking for a friend.
- What is a guy who hangs out with musicians called? A singer
- I like my women like I like my grenades Hanging around my belt and ready to blow.
- Hanging a Beggar is good in theory, but... Is actually just Poor Execution
- Where do superheroes hang out? Cape Town
- Anyone wanna hang out, grab a drink or shoot some pool? Asking for a friend
- What do you do when your suicidal friend asks for a hi-five? You leave him hanging....
- What's the best part of having a suicidal coat? It hangs itself
Hanging From Ceiling Jokes
Here is a list of funny hanging from ceiling jokes and even better hanging from ceiling puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- If I don't get a girlfriend by Christmas. The mistletoe won't be the only thing hanging from the ceiling.
- Gonna study hard , get a decent job , give my best at work so that I can buy a house with a strong ceiling fan I can hang myself on.
- I once tried to kill myself by hanging from the ceiling with a noose around my neck. I was unsure if it would work. The suspense was killing me.
- Did you hear about the Irishman hanging from the ceiling lighting a room? His name was Seán D'olier.
- I'm afraid my ceiling fan is going to fall down on me. Yeah, it's really been hanging over my head lately.
- I broke it I broke the ceiling fan in my room. It's been hanging over my head all day.
- A musical canon piece is currently being hung from the art gallery ceiling for all to see. We tried asking a worker for directions, but he was too busy hanging a round.
- I like my women like I like my light bulbs Dim and hanging from the ceiling
- How's it hanging? Hopefully not from the ceiling
- What is funnier than a zombie baby hanging from a ceiling fan?
Hitting it with a shovel when it comes around.
Leg Hanging Jokes
Here is a list of funny leg hanging jokes and even better leg hanging puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Vets aren't doctors: Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe I can help?
Mom: My son broke his leg!
Vet: Ok hang on. My rifle's in the truck. - Do you know you can't hang a man with a wooden leg in Maine? You have to use a rope.
- What do you call twin boys with no arms and no legs hanging from a window? Kurt and Rod
- What do you call a man with no arms and no legs hanging from your living room wall? Art.
What if he also had no tongue?
Tasteless art. - What do you call a man with no arms and no legs hanging on a wall? Art
- Stewart, Bobby, Matthew and Arthur are all hanging out at Bobby's place. Arthur turns to the group and asks "hey, you guys ever wonder about what it would be like to have arms and legs?"
- MUM There's no way you're going out in this skirt, kiddo! But mom, I've got great legs, why should I hide them?!
-
Because it's so short and your nuts are hanging out underneath! - One you haven't heard- What do you call twins with no arms and no legs, hanging by a window? Curt 'n Rod
- What's green, fuzzy , has 4 legs and can sometimes be found hanging in trees? A pool table
- In Connecticut it is i**...... To hang a man with a wooden leg. You have to use a rope just like everywhere else
Hanging Picture Jokes
Here is a list of funny hanging picture jokes and even better hanging picture puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? You only need one nail to hang up the picture of Jesus
- What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? It only take 1 nail to hang the picture.
- How many Karen's does it take to hang a picture. 1, if she talks for long enough the picture will hang itself.
- Whats the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus It takes 1 nail to hang a picture
- How does a cop hang a picture? "...UP AGAINST THE WALL!"
- Whats the best way to hang yourself? In a picture frame
- What is better, Jesus himself or a picture of Jesus? Well, a picture needs only one nail to hang
- Why is picture of Jesus better than Jesus himself? You only need one nail to hang up the picture.
- Name 3 things that don't hang themselves Pictures, Drywall and Jeffrey Epstein
- Being a picture is like being a gay man in middle east First you're framed then you're hanged almost immediately
Hanging Upside Down Jokes
Here is a list of funny hanging upside down jokes and even better hanging upside down puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Two bats were hanging upside down in a cave The first bat asks the second, Do you remember the worst day of your life?
I sure do," said the second bat. "It was the day I had diarrhea. - 2 bats hanging on a branch Two bats are hanging upside down on a branch.
One asks the other, "Do you recall your worst day last year?"
The other responds, "Yes, the day I had diarrhea!" - What do you call a Wayan's Brother hanging upside down in South America? A Mayan Brother!
- There are bats hanging of a branch upside down, all except one.
Two bats comment: "What's happened to this one?
I don't know, two minutes ago he seemed normal and then he fainted. - What do bats and Australians have in common? They both hang out upside down.
- why does a fly hang upside down ? to take the weight of its feet.
- What kind of bat hangs upside-down? An acrobat.
Hanging Up Jokes
Here is a list of funny hanging up jokes and even better hanging up puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My ex is like the Mona Lisa It's not that she is pretty or anything, but I would be ecstatic if I came home to find her hanging in the living room
- I used to hang out with a guy who crossbred insects... But I got sick of his crazy ant ticks.
- Wife and I fight over the right way to hang the toilet paper. So our therapist suggested we try the other person's way for a week.
You know, roll reversal. - Next time someone texts you to say "call me"... Call them to say "text me". And just hang up.
- Why did the popular kittens not want to hang out with the kitten with a prosthesis? It was an obvious faux paw.
^Cr - A man was sentenced to death, but wasn't told how they'll kill him. Needless to say, they left him hanging.
- There was a man on a stool with a rope around his neck. He said he'll kill himself if i didnt give him a high-five. Of course i left him hanging.
- A gay deer goes into a bar..... A gay deer goes into a bar, hangs out for a couple of hours, blows 42 bucks.
- If you want to hang yourself and still need a rope... ... take the one without any customer reviews. It should be the best for the job.
- Does anyone know where I can go to meet someone who will hang out and do things with me? Asking for a friend.
Quirky and Hilarious Hanging Jokes to Let the Chuckles Begin.
What funny jokes about hanging you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean tying jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make hanging pranks.
A man walks into a bar and sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling...
Confused, he asks the bartender "why do you have meat hanging from your ceiling?" The bartender says "I'm glad you asked, currently we have a challenge going on where if you can jump up and slap both pieces of meat with your hands I'll cover your tab for the whole rest of the night. However, if you attempt to slap the meat and miss, you have to pay for everyone else's drinks in the bar until we close". The bartender looks back at the customer and asks "So what do you say, would you like to give the challenge a shot?" The customer quickly responds with a "No". "Why not?" The bartender asks. The customer replies, "The stakes are too high".
Gambler
A guy walks into a butcher's shop and says "Sir, are you a gambling man?"
The butcher says "Why yes, as a matter of fact I am."
"Then I'll bet you $25 you can't reach up and touch that meat hanging over your head right there."
The butcher thinks for a moment and says "I'm sorry, I won't take that bet."
The guy says "But I thought you said you were a gambling man."
"I am. But the steaks are too high."
Maybe not "particle-ularily" funny...
So a priest walks into his church and sees a Higgs boson particle hanging around; says "what are you doing here?" the particle says "I've always been here - you can't have mass without me..."
*groan*
Why is six afraid of seven?
Six hasn't been the same since he came back from Vietnam. Every time he closes his eyes, he sees Charlie hiding in the darkness, dead bodies hanging in the canopy, and remembers the smell of blood and gunpowder.
When he sees seven, he is reminded of those days.
A pirate walks into a bar
with a steering wheel hanging from the front of his belt. The bar tender said, "Hey buddy, you have a steering wheel tied to your pants". To which the pirate replied, "Arr, I know. It's drivin' me nuts!"
After the resurrection, Jesus was hanging out with Peter, fishing.......
Jesus says, "I feel like performing a miracle. What should I do?"
Peter says, "How about the walking-on-water gig?"
Jesus agrees, steps out of the boat, and slowly starts sinking as he walks around.
Peter helps him back into the boat and asks, "Why didn't it work this time?"
Jesus replies, "I'm not sure, maybe it's the holes in my feet."
I try to tell this joke in english :]
There's a young boy, with no arms, nor legs called Lumpi.
Lumpi plays in front of his house in the sandbox, then a window opens on the 4th floor and Lumpi's mother yells at him "Lumpi time to eat!" and she throws down a rope.
As Lumpi sees the rope hanging out of his window, he starts to rob to the rope and bite's it! He trained hard to hold himself on the rope with his teeth. Lumpi is very hungry and starts to pull himself up only with his teeth. Lumpi pulls and pulls, he's on the 1st floor, the window opens and a young Lady smiles at him, Lumpi smiles back, then pulls again...and again, 2nd floor the window opens and an old man sees him and waves at him, Lumpi shakes his head to greet back, then he start's to pull himself up again. Lumpi, all sweaty and hungry now on the the 3rd floor, near his own window on the 4th floor. The window on the 3rd floor opens and a Lady sees him, then she says "Hi Lumpi! What are you going to eat now?" and Lumpi replies " Pizaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!...."
Sry for my bad english, I just tried to tell a joke in english that I know in my own language. :)
A priest, a rabbi, and a minister...
Are skinny dipping in the forest one day. Joking and talking philosophy and such. Suddenly they hear a large group of locals walking down the path toward them. To their dismay, they realized that they left their clothes hanging on branches on the other side of the path and would have to run past everyone to get them.
The minister gets out of the water, covers his junk and runs as fast as he can past the oncoming people to get his clothes.
The priest, in turn, gets out of the water, covers his junk and runs as fast as he can past the people to his clothes.
Finally the rabbi gets out of the water, covers his face and runs as fast as they can to his clothes.
As they dress the priest turns to the rabbi and asks,
"Why did you cover your face and not your g**...?"
"Well I don't know about you guys, but in my congregation they know me by my face."
Cheating Partner
A woman was in bed having s**... with her husband's friend, when all of a sudden the telephone rings, she answers.
After hanging up she says, ''That was Harry, but don't worry, he won't be home for a while. He's playing cards with you."
A good ole 90's joke.
A man dies and goes to heaven. When he arrives at the pearly gates he notices clocks with names hanging all over the place. The man asks god "What are all the clocks for?" God responded "Every time the clock makes a full rotation, someone on earth commits a sin." The man looked around at all the clocks and out of curiosity asked god "Where's Bill Clinton's clock?" God just pointed up to the ceiling fan.
My favorite blonde joke.
A blonde was tired of all the a**... she received because she was blond so she decided to hang herself on a tree in a field.
A man walked by and saw what was happening, approached her he asked, "What are you doing?"
She replied, "I'm going to kill myself because I can't take the a**... anymore."
The man, confused, said, "Why are you hanging by your feet? Aren't you supposed to tie the rope around your neck."
She said, "I tried that but I couldn't breathe."
A man walks into a butchers...
The man says to the butcher "Are you a gambling man?" The butcher replies "Yes, you could say that." The man says "Okay then, I bet you $100 you can't reach that meat you've got hanging from the ceiling up there." The Butcher looks up and says "No sorry" The man says "I thought you said you were a gambling man, why not?" The butcher answers. "The steaks are too high."
Two atoms were hanging out...
...and one says to the other, "Oh no! I think I've lost an electron!"
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first says, "Yes, I'm positive!"
There are 11 blondes...
hanging on the wings of an airplane. 5 on one wing, and 6 on another, and due to this, theres an imbalance and the plane will c**.... So they all decided that one of the blonde has to let go, so the wings are balanced.
After a lot of discussion, one brave blonde decides that she'll sacrifice herself for the others. She lets go, and the rest of the 10 blondes start clapping, applauding her for her bravery.......
Hope you guys like it, nd sorry if its a xpost.
The Paper Cowboy
A cowboy walked into a bar and ordered a whisky. When the bartender delivered the drink, the cowboy asked, "Where is everybody?"
The bartender replied, "They've gone to the hanging."
"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"
"Brown Paper Pete," the bartender replied.
"What kind of a name is that?" the cowboy asked.
"Well," said the bartender, "he always wore a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers and brown paper shoes."
"How bizarre," said the cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?"
"Rustling," answered the bartender.
Bill Gates Goes Fishing
Bill Gates goes fishing. Suddenly his fishing pole starts to jiggle, he quickly pulls it and see a gold fish hanging on it's edge.
"WAIT! PLEASE DON'T EAT ME!" the fish screams.
Bill answers: "oh wow, a talking fish! That's amazing! There you go little guy, I was going to release you anyway" and sets him free.
The fish turns around and say: "Thank you, now how about a wish?"
Bill answers: "Oh alright... what do you want?"
Why is an executioner a terrible high-fiver?
He always leaves you hanging
As I was walking home I passed a woman with one breast hanging out of her shirt..
So as to spare her any further embarrassment, I quietly pointed out her chestal indiscretion as I passed.
She looks down and screams "OH MY GOD!! I left the baby on the bus!!!"
So I was sentenced to death by hanging...
but my execution is being suspended temporarily.
Talented Octopus
A man walks into a bar with and octopus under his arms. He then stands up on the bar and shouts for everyone inside to hear. "I will bet anyone here 200 dollars that this octopus can play any instrument you give it". Everyone is a buzz and the bartender hands him a guitar that was hanging on the wall. The Octopus takes the guitar and strums on it with great enthusiasm and plays a beautiful arrangement. Another man pulls a harmonica out of his pocket and again, the octopus plays it superbly. A jazz band hands him all of there instruments and the octopus plays them all with amazing skill. Then, a Scottish man wearing a kilt comes up to the octopus and hands it his bagpipes. The octopus, looks at it confusingly then begins to fumble with the instrument. "Ay, you can't play er, can ye" The Scotsman says with a thick accent. The octopus responds "Play her? I'm going to screw her as soon as I get these pajamas off"
A woman is out playing golf...
...and she gets stung by a bee. It's annoying, but she finishes her game. Afterwards, she's having a drink in the clubhouse and mentions to one of the golf pros hanging out there what happened.
"Oh that's too bad," he says. "Where did you get stung?"
"Right between the first and second hole," she tells him.
"Hmmm," he says, "Sounds like your stance is too wide."
A dog lays by the railroad tracks..
And falls asleep with his tail hanging over them a little. A train comes by eventually and cuts off the tip of his tail. The dog whips around to see what happened and the train cuts off his head, too.
Moral of the story? Don't lose your head over a little piece of tail.
This is my grandpa's favorite joke. He has Alzheimers and can't remember much, but this joke is on constant replay and you can see the old twinkle in his eye when he tells it.
A man walks into a bar
He notices some pieces of meat hanging down from the ceiling. He goes up to the bartender and asks "What's with the meat on the ceiling?"
Bartender:"It's a challenge. If you can jump up and touch one, you get free beer for a night."
Man:"Nah, pass".
Bartender: "What? Why not?"
Man:"The steaks are too high"
A dslexic man walked into a bra.
His wife's washing was hanging out to dry and he wasn't looking where he was going. The man's dyslexia was admittedly pretty irrelevant to the event.
Two vampire bats are hanging from the ceiling of their cave...
... and one of them says he's hungry, so he flies off to find some food. Within a minute, he's back, blood all round his mouth, looking like he's had a really good meal.
The other bat is amazed, and says, "Where did you find so much blood so fast?"
So the first bat says, "Come with me, I'll show you." And he leads his friend to the mouth of the cave.
"See that big rock there?" He asks.
The other bat nods.
"I didn't."
Niels Bohr (true story)
a true story (supposedly)
A man goes to visit Niels Bohr, and sees a horseshoe hanging over Bohr's door (a scandinavian superstition).
The man says, "But Niels, you are a scientist! Surely you do not believe in this superstition?"
Niels replies, "Of course I don't believe in it!"
The man is confused. "Why do you have it if you don't believe in it?"
Bohr replies, "It is supposed to work, even if you don't believe in it!"
What do you call a girl hanging from a basketball rim?
Annette
Why didn't b**... in 1850 give high-fives?
Because everyone always left them hanging!
A doctor checks on two roommates in an insane asylum...
He walks into their room to find one man hanging upside down from the ceiling fan by his feet. The other man sits below him, putting together wooden blocks.
The doctor asks, "How are you two doing?"
The man on the floor says, "Oh, I'm building a castle. Don't mind that guy up there, he's okay but a little crazy, thinks he's a lightbulb."
"Well, let's get him down before he hurts himself."
The sitting man stares back in shock. "And work in the *dark*?!"
You see that wall?
A group of vampire bats are hanging out in a cave. All the food in the area is gone and they are the brink of starving to death. One of the bats decides leave to look for food out of desperation. He comes back 30 minutes later and has blood on his face. The other bats are very curious and ask him repeatedly where he got the blood from. Each time, he tries to ignore them and says he doesn't want to talk about it. After 30 minutes of questioning, he breaks down and tells the others to follow him. He flies them to a huge mountainous wall 15 minutes away, and stops. He looks at the others and says,
'You see that wall?'
And they all exciteldy repeat, 'Yea yea, we see it!'
He says again, 'Do you really see that wall?'
They all say again in anticipation, 'Yea yea we see it!'
'Well I didn't!'
A man walks into a bar
and sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the bartender what the deal was about:
"Anyone who can jump up and slap the meat earns free drinks for the rest of the night", the bartender answered. "But, if you miss you pay everyone else's drinks for the next hour. Would you like to try?"
The man thought about it for a moment, and then answers:
"Nah, the stakes are too high."
I asked Jesus what he did before he died
He said "Not much. I was just getting hammered and hanging out all day."
Dude walks into a bar and sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling...
...He asked the bartender, "What are those for?" Bartender answers, "If you can slap a piece of meat, you get free drinks for an hour. If you can't, everyone's drinks are on you. Do you want to try it?"
He replies, "Nah, the steaks are too high."
What do you call two healthcare professionals hanging out?
A paramedics.
A town decided to form a clergy group to have Catholics, Jews, Protestants and Muslims gather to talk about various issues facing their places of worship.
The Rabbi went first and said they were having a terrible issue with squirrels. He said they were hanging around outside of church and aggressively begging for food. He said they were scaring their kids. The preacher said they were having the same issue, in fact, a few of the squirrels had actually gotten inside of the church and had done some damage to the roof. The Imam agreed saying that in fact one of the squirrels had bitten a few people at the mosque. The Priest then spoke up and said they used to have the same issue but had solved it. He said they took all of their squirrels, Baptized them, confirmed them, and now they only come around on Christmas and Easter.
Who says Jesus couldn't perform miracles?
He managed to find mates named Matthew, Mark, Luke and John hanging around in the Middle East.
Mum, father hanged himself!
A little boy runs to his mum crying: "Mum, Mum", he screams, "Father hanged himself!"
"Where is he hanging?", his mum asks.
"In the attic!", the boy says.
So the mum and her son go to the attic but nobody's there.
"But he isn't there", says the mum in relief.
Then her son says: "April Fool! He's hanging in the basement!"
I was at my GF's house hanging with her and her smoking hot younger sister
My girlfriend leaves the room leaving me alone with her sister. She's been gone for a while when her sister climbs up on top of me and says "we should have s**... right this second, any way you want it, before my sister gets back". I immediately throw her off and start walking out. My girlfriend is waiting outside the room and kisses me, saying I won her trust.
Lesson learned: always keep c**... in the car
My wife came home from work and stormed angrily into the bedroom where I was sat.
"I get the impression you aren't being loyal to me," she said.
"Why?" I frowned.
"You've been very quiet recently. And you're always hanging around with that girl from work, Rachel?"
"Rochelle." coughed a voice from the wardrobe.
A man from out of town walks into a bar...
he sees large pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the bartender why the meat is hanging down from the ceiling. The bartender says "Around these parts we have a challenge. If you can jump up and touch the meat, you get it for free. If you can't you have to pay the price of the meat but you don't get it. How about taking the bet?" The man looks up at the meat. "Nah" He says. "The steaks are too high.
I once saw a skit about public hanging
It had brilliant execution.
Helping a friend
So I got a text from my friend this morning telling me he was going to kill himself.
Do I reply? Or just leave him hanging.
A man walks into a bar and sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling
The guy asks, "What's this about?" The bartender replies, "Well, if you can jump up and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you pay for everyone's drink for the next hour. You wanna do it?" The guy replies, "Nah the steaks are too high".
I was fed up with life and tried hanging myself from the side of a cliff, but I failed.
Now I'm just a cliffhanger and the suspense is killing me.
What do b**... and apples have in common?
If they're not being sold on a farm they're hanging from a tree.
Da h**..., no I didnt.
Rita found her husband hanging in his bedroom one morning with a note on his bed reading I can't take the critism anymore.
She quickly cut the rope, brought him down and managed to revive him.
As her husband lay in her arms and slowly opened his eyes, she said emotionally my dear…that's NOT how you spell criticism!
I like my women how I like my light bulbs...
Not too bright, easy to turn on and hanging from electrical wire in my basement.
11 Blondes and a brunette
There are 12 people hanging onto a rope that comes down from an airplane. 11 of them are blonde, and one is a brunette. They all decide that one person should get off because if they don't, the rope will break and everyone will die. No one can decide who should go, so finally the brunette delivers a very touching speech, ending with the words, "I'll get off." The blondes, all moved by the brunette's speech, start clapping. Problem solved.
I returned from court to see 'Welcome home dad' hanging over the foyer..
It was a suspended sentence
A pirate captain walks into a bar...
...with a peg leg, a steering wheel hanging from his pants, and a parrot on his shoulder.
Bartender: "Excuse me Captain, but you have a steering wheel hanging from your pants!"
Pirate: "Arrrrr, I know. It's driving me nuts."
My ex-girlfriend says she has a stalker. I have to say I'm surprised.
In all the time I've spent hanging around her house, hiding in the bushes, watching her come and go...I've never seen any signs of a stalker.
A man walks into a bar with his buddies and sees three steaks hanging from the ceiling.
He asks the bartender "Why are there three steaks hanging from the ceiling?"
The bartender replies "It's a contest sort of thing, actually. If you can jump and slap one of the steaks, you and your buddies get free drinks for the night. If not, you have to pay for everyone in the bar's drinks for the next hour. Wanna give it a try?"
The man thinks for a few minutes and makes his decision.
"Bartender, as much as my buddies and I would like free drinks, the stakes are just too high."
I found my son hanging from a rope in his bedroom.
On the floor was a note saying, "I can't stand the critism anymore."
I quickly cut him down, gave him CPR and he started to breathe.
As he lay in my arms I saw his eyes slowly open and I said, "That's not how you spell criticism."
Physics Joke
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are all hanging out and bored so they decide to play hide and go seek. Einstein decides to count first, and as they are counting Pascal leaves to hide in a bush. Newton on the other hand draws a box under himself and just stands there. When Einstein is done counting he walks up to Newton and is like,"Newton, you're not even hiding". Newton then says,"Ah, but you found Newtons over meters squared! You found a Pascal!!".
Thor: Brother! What are you doing this weekend?
Loki: nothing, just hanging out
Thor: oh sweet! that sounds...
Loki: no
Thor: low key
Why didn't Aaron Hernandez ever tell us why he threw away his career for a life of crime?
He wanted to leave us hanging.
I don't understand why everyone thinks the k**... are racist.
Every week at our meetings there's always tons of black people hanging around.
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs hanging on your wall?
Art.
That same guy in your pool? Bob
Same guy in your hot tub? Stew
Sitting under your car that's missing a wheel? Jack
Same guy on your porch? Matt
Same guy getting hit with a baseball bat? Homer
Same guy lying in a pile of leaves? Russel
What do you call a girl with one leg shorter than the other? Eileen
Chinese girl with the same condition? Irene.
I just found out my girlfriend faked her s**....
Not a nice way to leave me hanging.
Two snakes are hanging out, when one asks the other...
"Hey, are we venomous?"
The other snake replies, "I'm not sure."
"Well I hope not," the first snake says, "cus I just bit my tongue."
Two toothpicks are hanging out in a forest,
... when all of a sudden they see a hedgehog passing by. So, one of them shrugs and goes like, "Hm, I didn't even know they had public transportation here."
[my gf's fav joke, literal translation from German]
A guy walks into a bar and sees a bunch of meat hanging on the wall.
He sits down and asks the bartender what the deal is with the meat. Bartender says the deal is if you want a free drink you gotta jump up and touch the meat but if you miss, you buy a round for the bar. The guy takes another look at the meat and the bartender asks if he's in. No, says the guy the steaks are too high.
A man walks into a steakhouse
A man walks into a steakhouse and sees a bunch of meat hanging from the ceiling.
"What's with the meat?" he asks the hostess.
She says, "It's a contest we are running. If you can jump up and grab a piece, your entire meal is free."
"And what if I miss?"
"Then you need to buy everyone in the restaurant a drink. Do you want to try?"
He looks up again.
"No, the steaks are too high."
A guy walks in to a bar
He sees a piece of meat hanging from the ceiling so he goes up to the bartender and asks what it is
He says, so if you can jump and hit the meat, you get free drinks for the night. But if you miss, you have to buy drinks for the whole bar.
He thinks for a second and says, "nah the steaks are too high"
I called the s**... hotline today
They left me hanging
You should never give an executioner a high five...
They will always leave you hanging
Two windmills were hanging out in a field. One windmill asked the other, what type of music do you like?
The other responded, I'm a huge metal fan.
A man walks into a butchers's shop
and says to the butcher "Oi mate! Are you a gambling man?
The butcher says "Yes, I'm a gambling man".
So the guy says "Alrighty, I bet you £20 you can't touch that piece of meat hanging above your head!"
So the butcher looks up.
He looks down, and back at the man.
"I'm sorry" says the butcher, "I can't take that bet".
"Why not?" says the man, "I thought you were a gambling man?"
"I am" says the butcher, "but the steaks are too high".
You know you're drunk when you've got to swerve to avoid a pine tree in the middle of the road...
...only to realize it was the air freshener hanging from your rear view mirror.
I need to know what did Logan Paul do!
Seriously guys, don't leave me hanging
A Japanese guy tried to high five Logan Paul...
But Logan left him hanging.
Three boys are hanging around a farm trying to get a glimpse of the farmer's daughter showering.
The farmer notices them and he grabs his shotgun. They run and hide in the barn, each in one sack. The farmer arrives at the barn, and notices the 3 sacks.
He kicks one. From the sack, a sound comes out: Meow!
"Must be a cat." He moves on.
Kicks the second sack: Woof! Woof!!
"Must be a dog." He moves on.
He kicks the third sack: The sack says: "Potatoes!"
An elderly woman called 911...
An elderly woman called 911 from her cell phone to report that her car had been broken into.
"They've stolen everything! My radio is gone, my center console is gone, my mirror and the rosary beads hanging from it...even the steering wheel!"
The dispatcher responds that an officer is on the way.
Minutes later, the officer arrives and radios back into dispatch.
"Disregard that last call. She got in the back seat by mistake."
