The Best 86 Hang Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Hang jokes. There are some hang hangman jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these hang hanging from ceiling puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Hang Jokes and Puns

What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

You only need one nail to hang the picture up.

Two bats are sitting in a cave...

...one looks at the other a says, "I'm hungry. Think I'll go get some blood". So he flew out of the cave.

About an hour later he returns with his face covered in blood. His buddy looks at him and says, "Wow! How did you get all that blood?".

"Well...", he replies, "you know when you are flying out of the cave, you hang a right and then you see that tree in front of you..."

"Yeah?", says his buddy.

He replies, "Well.....I didn't".

Why didn't the other viruses hang out with The Common Cold?

Because he is a bad influenza

Hang joke, Why didn't the other viruses hang out with The Common Cold?

An American woman is hiking through Germany...

She's enjoying taking in the sights and immersing herself in the culture. But one day, while hiking through a wooded area, she comes across an elderly German man taking a leak on the side of the path. He's hardly subtle about it; letting his sausage hang out for the world to see. Immediately the woman averts her eyes! "Oh, gross!" she exclaims. The Old German man, just finishing up, winks suggestively at the woman before zipping up his fly and walking away. "Danke schΓΆn"

My favorite blonde joke.

A blonde was tired of all the abuse she received because she was blond so she decided to hang herself on a tree in a field.

A man walked by and saw what was happening, approached her he asked, "What are you doing?"

She replied, "I'm going to kill myself because I can't take the abuse anymore."

The man, confused, said, "Why are you hanging by your feet? Aren't you supposed to tie the rope around your neck."

She said, "I tried that but I couldn't breathe."


A pair of jumper cables walk into a bar...

A pair of jumper cables walk into a bar. Immediately, the bartender walks up and says: "Hey! You guys can hang out here...just don't try and start anything."

Hitler asked his portrait

"What's going to happen to me when the war is over?" Hitler asked
"We're going to switch places" replied the portrait.
"How so?"
"They're going to take me down and hang you up."

Hang joke, Hitler asked his portrait

Why did the popular kittens not want to hang out with the kitten with a prosthesis?

It was an obvious faux paw.

^Cr

Why do teenage girls hang out in odd-numbered groups?

Because they can't even.

I was driving past the prison the other day...

with a friend of mine. All of a sudden he starts shouting and pointing, 'LOOK! There's a midget escaping! He's gone over the wall and is climbing down!'

I slammed on my brakes and said, 'woah, hang on. You can't say midget - it's a little con-descending.'

What's the worst thing about a woman's panties?

Your nuts hang out the side.

A homeless guy told me this joke in exchange for pocket change

You can explore hang critism reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean hang attach dad jokes. There are also hang puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


I was watching TV last night...

When an advertisement came on showing one of those African babies covered in flies.I immediately ran for the phone and rang the number that came up on the screen.
"I want one of those", I said,"they work much better than those sticky strips I hang from my ceiling".

What did the hat say to the scarf?

You hang around, and I'll go on ahead.

I realize I'm not good advising suicidal people

I said "hang in there!"

Where do all the funny people hang out at a party?

In the punch line

I am starting a support group for guys dealing with Autoerotic Asphyxiation.

Our motto is: "Hang in there, we can beat it."

Hang joke, I am starting a support group for guys dealing with Autoerotic Asphyxiation.

Vets aren't doctors:

Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?

Vet: I treat horses but maybe I can help?

Mom: My son broke his leg!

Vet: Ok hang on. My rifle's in the truck.

Why did the polar bears on Noah's Ark hang out near the insects?

They were looking for the ark tick.

What does a suicidal man say to a suicidal girl?

Hey, wanna hang?


A flyer says to another flyer:

"Yo, wanna hang out tonight?"

The other one replies: "Brochure!"

Photographers are so violent.

They'll frame you, shoot you, blow you up and then hang you.

How do you keep black people from stealing things in your back yard?

You hang some in the front.

Relax It's dark humor

Next time someone texts you to say "call me"...

Call them to say "text me". And just hang up.

I have a buddy that likes to have sex with inanimate objects.

We don't hang out much. He's always got stuff to do.

I asked my friend with an extra chromosome if he wanted to hang out...

He said he was down

A hat and a tie are out running

The tie gets tired and says he needs a break.
The hat replies "Don't worry. You hang around and I'll go on ahead."

My buddy went to get a tattoo of an Indian on his back...

Half way through he said "Don't forget to put a big tomahawk in his hand."

The tattooist said "Hang on pal, I've only just finished his turban."

Father and son during checkout at Dick's Sporting Goods...

Dad: Hang on a second, I need to use these coupons.

Son: Are these coupons only for Dick's?

Dad: No, they work for normal people too.

Cashier -- laughing too hysterically to continue for a bit...

(True Story)

When his brothel went out of business, what sign did the owner hang on the door?

Beat it, We're closed.

I'm not sure if putting Christmas lights up would offend my Jewish neighbours.

So just to be sure, i'll hang a massive swastika in my window too.

Christmas lights remind me of my friends.

They all hang together, half of them don't work, and the ones that do aren't that bright.

Yo momma so ugly ..

Her portraits hang themselves

I was sucking off my new Thai bride, last night

When I thought.. "Hang on a fuckin' minute"

What end of the rope did Aaron Hernandez hang himself with?

The tight end.

Aaron Hernandez set a new NFL record

Longest hang time by a player who doesn't punt

I was watching tv last night...

and one of those ads came on with one of those little black African babies covered in flies. I immediately grabbed the phone and called the number on the screen. I had to have one, they work so much better than those sticky strips that hang from the ceiling.

Hanging a Beggar is good in theory, but...

Is actually just Poor Execution

I had a terrible night out at the club

I'm not much of a clubber, but I was starting to get the hang of it. They played "Jump Around" and I jumped around, they played "Put Your Hands Up" and I did, everything seemed to be going well. Then they played "Come On Eileen" and I got thrown out...

People often say that I hang out with the wrong crowd...

They say things like, "Hey, we're over here," and "Hey, you don't even know those people!"

A man stands at a row of crowded urinals...

Into the silence, he says "So... I guess this is where the dicks hang out."

I heard prisoners get drunk a lot ...

They hang around bars 24/7.

You can't hang a man with a wooden leg,

You need a rope.

Woman can't get mating dogs apart

A woman had two dogs that she hadn't had fixed, but always kept them from mating. One night she wakes up at 2 AM to this terrible howling.

She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together and is unable to separate them.

She called her vet ,who answered in a very grumpy voice.

After she explained the problem to him, the vet said, Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw.

Do you think that will work? she asked.

Just worked for me, he replied.

Kevin Spacey walks into a bar

But after realizing the drinking age is 21 decides that he'd rather hang out somewhere else.

How do you get Batman into the Marvel Universe?

Hang him on the wall. Now he's a Bruce Banner.

I was depressed, after some soul searching I discovered I sexually indentify as Mistletoe..

I can't wait to hang myself on Christmas.

In high school some kids told me they'd give me $20 to hang out with them.

Turns out it was just clique bait.

Why does Princess Leia keep her hair tied up in buns?

So it doesn't Hang Solow

What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke the hole that it's often poked before?

A key!

This is one of the oldest jokes ever recorded. It was found in a 10th century book of Anglo Saxon poetry.

Whats the best way to hang yourself?

In a picture frame

I've been meaning to make more friends recently...

So I've joined a suicide cult and I'm going to hang with them for a while.

How does a cop hang a picture?

"...UP AGAINST THE WALL!"

My eldest came to me and

he told me he was feeling suicidal. I said, "Hang in there son", and pointed to the spare room.

Have you heard about the new super sensitive condoms?

They hang around after the guy leaves and talk to the woman.

The janitor lady in our apartment building wanted me to hang out with her and smoke pot. I said no.

I tend to avoid high maintenance women.

If you want to hang yourself and still need a rope...

... take the one without any customer reviews. It should be the best for the job.

Why did the chicken hang himself?

To get to the other side.

Jesus: "Pardon me, I'm afraid I don't know what to do with this cross."

Roman soldier: "Don't worry, you'll get the hang of it."

Why do white teenage girls always hang out in groups of 3, 5 or 7?

They just, like, literally can't even

Naked painting

The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes.

So the one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door."

So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?"

"Blind man!"

The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind, he can't see. What could it hurt."

They let him in.

The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice tits. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"

Whats the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus

It takes 1 nail to hang a picture

Two guys out playing golf. One is about to take his shot when he sees a funeral procession go by.

He stops, takes his hat off and bows his head until the procession passes. He puts his hat back on and gets ready to take his shot when his partner stops him and says, "Hang on. I just gotta say I've never seen anyone do that on the links before, that was really touching."

1st guy replies, "Well, you know. We were married for 20 years."

My best friend doesn't wanna hang out with me anymore because he says I'm behind the times.

Wait until everyone on MySpace hears about this.

What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

You only need one nail to hang up the picture of Jesus

What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

It only take 1 nail to hang the picture.

A Nun was taking a bath when there was a knock at the door. "Who is it?" She asked. The voice back replies "It's the blind man, can I come in?" The Nun thinks for a moment and says "yes that's fine". The door opens and the man says.

Nice tits, where you want me to hang the blinds?

A nun was taking a bath and she hears a knock at the door

"Who is it?" She asks
"I'm the blind man, may I come in?" He says
She thinks about it and decides it's okay to let him in because he can't see her. She tells him to come in.
"Nice tits! I'm here to hang the blinds."

What do Jeffrey Epstein and Halloween decorations having common?

They don't hang themselves.

Happy Early Halloween!

Being a taxi driver is boring, nobody ever talks to me. And when they can be bothered to talk, all they say is

"Hang on a minute, I don't live in the woods".

Donald Trump's lawsuits are like his regular suits,

They all hang on something useless.

What do Jeffrey Epstein and Christmas lights have in common?

You can pay someone to hang 'em

What did the scarf say to the hat?

I'm just gonna hang around here.. you go on ahead.

So a nun is having a bath, and she hears a knock on the door...

The nun shouts "who is it?" and a voice from the other side replies "it's the blind man, can I come in?"

The nun replies "sure" and the blind man comes into the room and says "nice tits luv, where do you want to hang these blinds?"

What's the difference between Jesus and a photo of Jesus?

It only takes one nail to hang the photo.

Where do the Sith hang out after school?

The Darth Mall.

Dark pickup lines

Are you suicide?
Because I think about you every day.

Are you the suicide hotline?
Because I need to get your number.

Are you a noose?
Because I'd love to hang with you.

Are you a coffin?
Because I wish I was inside you.

Are you a death certificate?
Because I wish you were mine.

Are you an electrical outlet?
Because I'd like to stick my fingers inside you.

Are you death?
Because I long for your sweet embrace.

Two cannibals meet one day.

The first cannibal says, You know, I just can't seem to get a tender missionary. I've baked them, I've roasted them, I've stewed them, I've barbecued them, I've tried every sort of marinade. Just can't seem to get them tender.

The second cannibal asks, What kind of missionary do you use?

The first replies, You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around their waist and they're sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads.

Ah, ha! the second cannibal replies, No wonder… those are friars!

LPT: NEVER hang your drivers license from your rearview mirror!

You risk being pulled over for driving with a suspended license.

A corporal needed to use the pay phone but didn't have change.

He saw a private mopping the floor nearby and asked, "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?" The private replied, "Sure, hang on." The corporal gave him an icy stare and yelled, "That's no way to address your superior! Straighten up and let's try that again! Private, do you have change for a dollar?"

The private stood at attention and boomed, "NO SIR!"

What do depressed people and leaves have in common?

They both hang from the same tree

I got the strangest recording when I called the phone company the other day.

It said, "You have been connected to the correct department on the first try. This is against company policy. Please hang up and redial."

In a a gents restroom, a man is sitting in a stall doing his business.

Suddenly the man in the next stall starts a conversation:

"Hello there!"

"Umm... Hello"

"How are you?"

"I'm uhh..fine... How about yourself?"

"I'm doing great. What are your doing right now?"

"Uhhhh..... Nothing much.... Just sitting here...."

"Shall I come over?"

"*Nervously* Noooo!! That would be so awkward"

"Alright man I'll hang up now, the idiot in the next stall is responding to everything I say."

Does anyone know where I can go to meet someone who will hang out and do things with me?

Asking for a friend.

Narcissists suck to hang out with

I'm so much better than all of them.

My wife asked if these pants make her look fat…

I replied

Definitely not. It's you that makes the pants look fat.

And oh how we both laughed and laughed.

Anyway, I'm single now in case any of you want to hang out.

I'm pretty open most days. Except for Tuesday's when I do yoga.

Why do cannibals hang out in libraries?

Because Readers Digest

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the hang hook jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working hang suicidal piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes