Hang Jokes

What are some Hang jokes?

What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

You only need one nail to hang the picture up.

In high school some kids told me they'd give me $20 to hang out with them.

Turns out it was just clique bait.

Why do teenage girls hang out in odd-numbered groups?

Because they can't even.

Photographers are so violent.

They'll frame you, shoot you, blow you up and then hang you.

Why do white teenage girls always hang out in groups of 3, 5 or 7?

They just, like, literally can't even

My buddy went to get a tattoo of an Indian on his back...

Half way through he said "Don't forget to put a big tomahawk in his hand."

The tattooist said "Hang on pal, I've only just finished his turban."

What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke the hole that it's often poked before?

A key!


This is one of the oldest jokes ever recorded. It was found in a 10th century book of Anglo Saxon poetry.

Aaron Hernandez set a new NFL record

Longest hang time by a player who doesn't punt

What end of the rope did Aaron Hernandez hang himself with?

The tight end.

I have a buddy that likes to have sex with inanimate objects.

We don't hang out much. He's always got stuff to do.

You can't hang a man with a wooden leg,

You need a rope.

Next time someone texts you to say "call me"...

Call them to say "text me". And just hang up.

Why did the popular kittens not want to hang out with the kitten with a prosthesis?

It was an obvious faux paw.

^Cr

I was sucking off my new Thai bride, last night

When I thought.. "Hang on a fuckin' minute"

What's the worst thing about a woman's panties?

Your nuts hang out the side.

A homeless guy told me this joke in exchange for pocket change

If you want to hang yourself and still need a rope...

... take the one without any customer reviews. It should be the best for the job.

Hanging a Beggar is good in theory, but...

Is actually just Poor Execution

The janitor lady in our apartment building wanted me to hang out with her and smoke pot. I said no.

I tend to avoid high maintenance women.

Have you heard about the new super sensitive condoms?

They hang around after the guy leaves and talk to the woman.

I was depressed, after some soul searching I discovered I sexually indentify as Mistletoe..

I can't wait to hang myself on Christmas.

My favorite blonde joke.

A blonde was tired of all the abuse she received because she was blond so she decided to hang herself on a tree in a field.

A man walked by and saw what was happening, approached her he asked, "What are you doing?"

She replied, "I'm going to kill myself because I can't take the abuse anymore."

The man, confused, said, "Why are you hanging by your feet? Aren't you supposed to tie the rope around your neck."

She said, "I tried that but I couldn't breathe."

How do you get Batman into the Marvel Universe?

Hang him on the wall. Now he's a Bruce Banner.

A hat and a tie are out running

The tie gets tired and says he needs a break.
The hat replies "Don't worry. You hang around and I'll go on ahead."

Why did the polar bears on Noah's Ark hang out near the insects?

They were looking for the ark tick.

I am starting a support group for guys dealing with Autoerotic Asphyxiation.

Our motto is: "Hang in there, we can beat it."

I've been meaning to make more friends recently...

So I've joined a suicide cult and I'm going to hang with them for a while.

I had a terrible night out at the club

I'm not much of a clubber, but I was starting to get the hang of it. They played "Jump Around" and I jumped around, they played "Put Your Hands Up" and I did, everything seemed to be going well. Then they played "Come On Eileen" and I got thrown out...

Two bats are sitting in a cave...

...one looks at the other a says, "I'm hungry. Think I'll go get some blood". So he flew out of the cave.

About an hour later he returns with his face covered in blood. His buddy looks at him and says, "Wow! How did you get all that blood?".

"Well...", he replies, "you know when you are flying out of the cave, you hang a right and then you see that tree in front of you..."

"Yeah?", says his buddy.

He replies, "Well.....I didn't".

A man stands at a row of crowded urinals...

Into the silence, he says "So... I guess this is where the dicks hang out."

Kevin Spacey walks into a bar

But after realizing the drinking age is 21 decides that he'd rather hang out somewhere else.

My eldest came to me and

he told me he was feeling suicidal. I said, "Hang in there son", and pointed to the spare room.

I heard prisoners get drunk a lot ...

They hang around bars 24/7.

How does a cop hang a picture?

"...UP AGAINST THE WALL!"

What did the hat say to the scarf?

You hang around, and I'll go on ahead.

Why did the chicken hang himself?

To get to the other side.

Why does Princess Leia keep her hair tied up in buns?

So it doesn't Hang Solow

An American woman is hiking through Germany...

She's enjoying taking in the sights and immersing herself in the culture. But one day, while hiking through a wooded area, she comes across an elderly German man taking a leak on the side of the path. He's hardly subtle about it; letting his sausage hang out for the world to see. Immediately the woman averts her eyes! "Oh, gross!" she exclaims. The Old German man, just finishing up, winks suggestively at the woman before zipping up his fly and walking away. "Danke schΓΆn"

Christmas lights remind me of my friends.

They all hang together, half of them don't work, and the ones that do aren't that bright.

Woman can't get mating dogs apart

A woman had two dogs that she hadn't had fixed, but always kept them from mating. One night she wakes up at 2 AM to this terrible howling.

She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together and is unable to separate them.

She called her vet ,who answered in a very grumpy voice.

After she explained the problem to him, the vet said, Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw.

Do you think that will work? she asked.

Just worked for me, he replied.

Where do all the funny people hang out at a party?

In the punch line

Jesus: "Pardon me, I'm afraid I don't know what to do with this cross."

Roman soldier: "Don't worry, you'll get the hang of it."

Donald Trump took Pope Francis for an afternoon on his yacht...

While they were out to sea, the Pope's hat blew off his head and into the water. While everyone ran frantically, Trump stood up and said "Hang on. I've got this"

Miraculously he walked to the platform level with the water, and continued walking across the top of the water, picked up the popes hat and walked back and returned it to him. Everyone was stunned at this they couldn't believe what they just saw!

The following morning CNN reported:

"Breaking: Donald Trump can't swim!"

Blonde attempts Suicide

One day she comes home and says "Today is the day I will hang myself." She leaves behind a suicide note for her husband on the table which read "I'm sorry honey, I cannot go on any longer." The husband comes home and sees the note and runs outside in a panic. He sees his wife hanging from a tree. "Honey, what are you doing? Come down from there!" With which she replied "No! I'm hanging myself!" The husband says "Why is the rope around your waist? It's supposed to go around your neck!" To which she replies "I tried that! I couldn't breathe!"

Yo momma so ugly ..

Her portraits hang themselves

What does a suicidal man say to a suicidal girl?

Hey, wanna hang?

Father and son during checkout at Dick's Sporting Goods...

Dad: Hang on a second, I need to use these coupons.

Son: Are these coupons only for Dick's?

Dad: No, they work for normal people too.

Cashier -- laughing too hysterically to continue for a bit...

(True Story)

People often say that I hang out with the wrong crowd...

They say things like, "Hey, we're over here," and "Hey, you don't even know those people!"

Teacher makes a call to her student

to inform him:"I'm busy tomorrow, so our class will be off". The student makes a phone call to his dad:"I'm off tomorrow, let's go picnic". Dad makes a phone call to his secretary immediately:"Hey, I'm busy tomorrow, let's date someday else". The secretary makes a phone call to her husband:"Hey honey, I won't be going to the business trip tomorrow, let's hang out". The husband makes a phone call to the teacher:"Hey, Sorry, my wife won't be leaving tomorrow, we can't meet". The teacher calls the student:"Forget what I said. Tomorrow we go to school"

I was watching tv last night...

and one of those ads came on with one of those little black African babies covered in flies. I immediately grabbed the phone and called the number on the screen. I had to have one, they work so much better than those sticky strips that hang from the ceiling.

Stupid Blonde Jokes

A blonde really got tired of all blonde jokes and decided to hang herself in the bathroom. As she locked the door, she yelled at her husband, "I'm hanging myself because I'm tired of jokes about us blondes being stupid!" Her husband broke into the bathroom and saw his wife with a rope tied on her toe. The husband said, "I thought you were hanging yourself." She said, "Yes, I am!" The husband replied, "Usually when people hang themselves, they tie the rope around their neck, so why is yours tied on your toe?" She said, "I tried that, but I couldn't breathe."

This punker gets on a bus and takes a seat.

His hair's all green, he's got brightly colored tattoos covering his arms and piercings all over his face. Feathers hang from each earlobe. Across the aisle sits an old man who proceeds to stare at him for the next fifteen miles. Eventually the punker gets pretty unnerved and blurts out:

Hey man, didn't you do anything crazy when you were young?

Without missing a beat, the old man replies:

Yeah, when I was in the Navy, I got drunk one night in Singapore and had sex with a Bird of Paradise. I was just wondering if you were my son.

--------------------------------------------
From Mark Z. Danielewski's "House of Leaves".

I was driving past the prison the other day...

with a friend of mine. All of a sudden he starts shouting and pointing, 'LOOK! There's a midget escaping! He's gone over the wall and is climbing down!'

I slammed on my brakes and said, 'woah, hang on. You can't say midget - it's a little con-descending.'

I was watching TV last night...

When an advertisement came on showing one of those African babies covered in flies.I immediately ran for the phone and rang the number that came up on the screen.
"I want one of those", I said,"they work much better than those sticky strips I hang from my ceiling".

A flyer says to another flyer:

"Yo, wanna hang out tonight?"

The other one replies: "Brochure!"

Hitler asked his portrait

"What's going to happen to me when the war is over?" Hitler asked
"We're going to switch places" replied the portrait.
"How so?"
"They're going to take me down and hang you up."

Whats the best way to hang yourself?

In a picture frame

I'm not sure if putting Christmas lights up would offend my Jewish neighbours.

So just to be sure, i'll hang a massive swastika in my window too.

The Dutch connection

Two people are in a restaurant in Amsterdam sitting at the bar. Both are drinking and both look depressed. After a while the man turns to the woman and says:

"Excuse me, I'm looking across and you're a very beautiful woman, you look incredible, but you look so depressed, why?"

"Well, you see the problem is my husband, he's left me, he says I'm too kinky in bed."

"My god, that's incredible, my girlfriend left me, she says I'm too kinky in bed."

After a while the woman turns to the guy and says: "Hang on, I've got a fantashtic idea, let's go back to my place for some fantashtic kinky sex."

"I like where you're coming from, let's go.

So they get back to her place and are making out in the hallway, she puts a finger to his lips and says: "Hang on, let me go and change into something a little more **uncomfortable**."

She goes to her bedroom and comes back 10 minutes later in a full on PVC gimpsuit, gimp mask and gimp ball in her mouth, 12" strap-on, whip in the right hand, tapioca pudding in the left, but he's getting his coat on ready to leave.

She takes the gimp ball out of her mouth and says in surprise: "Hang on, I thought you wanted some fantashtic kinky sex?"

He says "Yeah, I shagged your dog and shat in your purse, I'm done."

Why didn't the other viruses hang out with The Common Cold?

Because he is a bad influenza

So this guy buys a centipede from the pet store...

he takes it home and sets it up in its aquarium, and lets it get settled in for a while. After a few hours the guy gets bored and goes up to the centipede and asks, "hey, centipede, you wanna go out and get a drink? check out the ladies? you know, just hang out?" But the centipede doesn't say anything. The guy thinks, "it must be getting used to its new environment or whatever," and he goes to bed.

The next day after work, the guy's watching TV and he gets bored, so he goes up to the centipede again and taps on the aquarium glass, and says "HEY, centipede, you wanna go out, get a drink, maybe check out the ladies? Just hang out or whatever?" and the centipede doesn't say anything. The guys thinks, "that's weird, i wonder if it's sick or something. i'm not sure how centipedes are supposed to act i guess." and he shrugs it off and goes to bed.

The third day, after work, the guy gets bored watching TV and goes to the centipede again, this time getting a little exasperated. "HEY! CENTIPEDE! Do you wanna go out and get a DRINK, check out the LADIES or something?" and the centipede yells back, "I heard you the first time man, I'm getting my shoes on!"

I'm hanging myself because I'm tired of jokes about blondes

A blonde got really tired of all blonde jokes and decided to hang herself in the bathroom.

As she locked the door, she yelled at her husband, *"I'm hanging myself because I'm tired of jokes about us blondes being stupid!"*

Her husband broke into the bathroom and saw his wife with a rope tied on her toe.
The husband said, *"I thought you were hanging yourself."*

She said, *"Yes, I am!"*

The husband replied, *"Usually when people hang themselves, they tie the rope around their neck, so why is yours tied on your toe?"*

She said, *"I tried that, but I couldn't breathe."*

I asked my friend with an extra chromosome if he wanted to hang out...

He said he was down

Vets aren't doctors:

Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?

Vet: I treat horses but maybe I can help?

Mom: My son broke his leg!

Vet: Ok hang on. My rifle's in the truck.

When his brothel went out of business, what sign did the owner hang on the door?

Beat it, We're closed.

A pair of jumper cables walk into a bar...

A pair of jumper cables walk into a bar. Immediately, the bartender walks up and says: "Hey! You guys can hang out here...just don't try and start anything."

I realize I'm not good advising suicidal people

I said "hang in there!"

I love Christmas lights!

... they remind me of politicians.

They all hang together, half the buggers don't work, and the ones that do aren't that bright!

God's Flawed Design


The inventor of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?"

God said, "Ah, yes."

"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4. The intake is placed ! way too close to the exhaust.
5. And the maintenance costs are outrageous."

"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on." God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."

A depressed shirt falls into a puddle.

"I guess I'll go hang myself."

A guy wants to commit suicide

A guy wants to commit suicide but he has tried in the past and failed. This time he is ready and has a failsafe plan. He decides that he is going to swallow poison, shoot himself in the head and hang himself at the same time. He goes to the local bridge and ties a rope around the railing. He places the noose around his neck, puts the gun to his temple and takes a mouthful of poison and jumps. The gun goes off and he misses his head and the bullet cuts the rope in half. He screams as he falls into the water below. The water rushes into his mouth and washes the poison away. He swims to shore and says " Thank God, if I hadn't been able to swim I might have drowned."

A cowboy rides into a strange town and sees carpenters finishing work on a gallows....

He sees a guy tying up his horse in front of the saloon and calls, "Hey, are you folks gonna hang someone?"

The guy nods. "Yup. We're fixin' to hang Brown Paper Larry."

The cowboy's brow furrows. "How come he's called Brown Paper Larry?"

"Well," says the guy, "the man always wears clothes made of brown paper. Brown paper shirts. Brown paper pants. Even brown paper socks."

The cowboy ponders this for a moment, then asks, "What are ya hangin' him for?"

"Rustling."

What did the hanging man say before he died?

The suspense is killing me.

A soccer team goes to a bar after a big win.

The keeper decides to hang out with his close friend, a defense player and his girlfriend. As it comes time to head home, the defender pulls the keeper aside and decides to compliment him on his play.

"You know, you're good as a keeper."

"Oh? What brought this about?"

"Well to start, you've been keeping me from scoring all night."

A nun decides to dye her worn out clothes

A nun decided that it was much cheaper to just dye the colour back into her worn out clothes instead of buying new clothes. Every year, the nun would go to a nearby dye shop to dye her clothes and hang them to dry.

When she returned to the store for the 10th time, she dyed and hung her clothes. When she came back to get her clothes, they were stiff and uncomfortable. She complained to the store manager and asked why that happened to her clothes.

The store manager replied: "Well madam, old habits dye hard"

There were four engineers in a car..

..A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and an IT engineer. They were driving down the road when the car suddenly broke down.

"It must be the engine!" Said the mechanical engineer.

"Hang on, it's the battery, I know all about this." Replied the electrical engineer.

"It has to be the fuel! I'm an expert on this you know." The chemical engineer chimed in.

"Nah, nah. I know what it is." Said the IT engineer. "We all have to get out of the car, and back in again."

Why is picture of Jesus better than Jesus himself?

You only need one nail to hang up the picture.

Why did the psychic medium hang himself?

To get to the other side.

Two rabbis would go fishing regularly...

One day they decided to invite a priest that they had known for a long time. They reach their fishing hike and go out in their boat. One rabbi says: "hang on I forgot my lures," and he walks back to the shore for them. The priest stares wide eyed as the rabbi walks back over the water.

Some time later the other rabbi announces that he is thirsty and goes back walking over the water to get some soda. The priest is now really miffed. "If they can do it so can I,"and he steps outside the boat and promptly goes under.

The rabbis pull him into the boat and one of them asks the other: "should we tell him where the rocks are?"

Bad advice to a suicidal person

Hang in there

Jesus might be a telemarketer.

The other day I got a phone call from a telemarketer. The guy was trying to sell me frankincense. I really didn't want it though, so I told him I didn't want to buy any. He probably suspected I was going to hang up, so he quickly said, "But wait, there's myrrh!"

How to make Hang jokes?

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