hang Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious hang stories

What are the best Hang puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Hang? Well here is a complete list of Hang dad jokes:

What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

You only need one nail to hang the picture up.


Why do teenage girls hang out in odd-numbered groups?

Because they can't even.


Three engineers are riding in a car.

One is a mechanical engineer, one is an electrical engineer, and one is a computer engineer.

The car breaks down and coasts to the side of the road.

"Hang on," says the mechanical engineer. "The problem is probably the engine, let me have a look at it and I'll have us on the road again in no time."

"Wait," says the electrical engineer. "The way it just stopped like that, I think it's the electrical system. Let me have a look and I'll get us going again in a minute or two."

"Hold on," says the computer engineer. "Why don't we all just get out of the car and get in again, and then see if it starts?"



The inventor of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?"

God said, "Ah, yes."

"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
4. The intake is placed ! way too close to the exhaust.
5. And the maintenance costs are outrageous."

"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on." God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."


A cowboy rides into a strange town and sees carpenters finishing work on a gallows....

He sees a guy tying up his horse in front of the saloon and calls, "Hey, are you folks gonna hang someone?"

The guy nods. "Yup. We're fixin' to hang Brown Paper Larry."

The cowboy's brow furrows. "How come he's called Brown Paper Larry?"

"Well," says the guy, "the man always wears clothes made of brown paper. Brown paper shirts. Brown paper pants. Even brown paper socks."

The cowboy ponders this for a moment, then asks, "What are ya hangin' him for?"



Why did the popular kittens not want to hang out with the kitten with a prosthesis?

It was an obvious faux paw.



What's the worst thing about a woman's panties?

Your nuts hang out the side.

A homeless guy told me this joke in exchange for pocket change


What's the difference between a picture of Jesus and Jesus himself?

You only need one nail to hang a picture of Jesus.


How's it hanging

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?

The father, surprised, answers, Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20's, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30's and 40's, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions. Onions? the son asks. Yes. You see them and they make you cry.

This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?

The mother smiles and says, Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30's and 40's, it's like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50's, it's like a Christmas tree. A Christmas tree? the daughter asks. Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.


My favorite blonde joke.

A blonde was tired of all the abuse she received because she was blond so she decided to hang herself on a tree in a field.

A man walked by and saw what was happening, approached her he asked, "What are you doing?"

She replied, "I'm going to kill myself because I can't take the abuse anymore."

The man, confused, said, "Why are you hanging by your feet? Aren't you supposed to tie the rope around your neck."

She said, "I tried that but I couldn't breathe."


A zoophile, a sadist, a necrophile, a pyromaniac and a masochist hang out together...

Zoophile: "We should fuck a cat"

Sadist: "Yeah and after that we torture it to death"

Necrophile: "Awesome idea! And when it's dead we will fuck it again"

Pyromaniac: "And wenn we're done we just set that molested animal on fire!"

Then the Masochist clears his throat and whispers: "Meeoooow"


A man sits beside a woman in a bar

"Evenin' ma'am," he says, doffing his stetson.

She smiles politely, but looks him up and down. "What're you meant to be?"

"Well now, lessee here. First thing in the morning I wake up and let out the cows. Around lunchtime I'm breaking horses. In the evening I round up the steers and hang up my lasso. So I guess you could say I'm a cowboy"

"I see"

"And," he says, a little sore from her initial question, "what are you meant to be, if I may ask?"

"Well let's see here," she says. "When I wake up in the morning I think about girls. After lunch I usually masturbate to pictures of naked women. And in the evening I go to a bar to find a chick to hook up with. So I guess you could say I'm a lesbian." And with that she hops off her stool and walks away.

The cowboy thinks on this. The barman comes over, and looks him up and down.

"What're you meant to be?" he asks.

"Funny you should ask. I thought I was a cowboy. Turns out I'm a lesbian"


Two bats are sitting in a cave...

...one looks at the other a says, "I'm hungry. Think I'll go get some blood". So he flew out of the cave.

About an hour later he returns with his face covered in blood. His buddy looks at him and says, "Wow! How did you get all that blood?".

"Well...", he replies, "you know when you are flying out of the cave, you hang a right and then you see that tree in front of you..."

"Yeah?", says his buddy.

He replies, "Well.....I didn't".


Irish Sausage

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only
raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea."

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!"

Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two
pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much
trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!"
Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't worry, I have a
plan, Cheers!"

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick
the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees
and put it in your mouth."

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and
more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy - I don't think I
can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are

Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the
sausage in the third pub!"


Whats the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

The picture of Jesus only needs one nail to hang up.


A Woman Goes to the Doctor...

A woman goes to the Dr. with bruises all over her face. Understandably concerned, the doctor asks what has happened. She replies, "Well my husband gets to drinking after work in the evenings and has been beating me up....to be honest, I'm fed up with him and thinking about leaving for good." The doctor quickly replies, "Hang on right there! Before you go and get a divorce I want you to try something. The next time he comes home drunk, go into the kitchen and pour yourself a glass of sweet tea. Sit down at the table, take a drink and swish it around in your mouth. No matter what he does or says, just keep swishing that sweet tea!"

A week later the woman goes back to the doctor without a scratch on her. She says "Doctor, the sweat tea worked great but I don't understand? What's so special about it and why did it work so well??"

The doctor looks at her and replies, "It's amazing what happens when you shut the fuck up!"


Inside a supermarket, a woman spots........

a grandfather and his poorly behaved three-yearold grandson. Easy, Billy, says grandfather calmly. We won't be long.
In the cookie aisle, the woman hears the kid whining some more, I want cookies! Gimme cookies!
It's OK Billy, just a couple more minutes, and we'll be out of here. Just hang on; you're doing great, says the grandfather.
At the check out, the kid screams, CANDY! I want candy!
Billy, Billy, relax, pal. Don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes.
The woman is impressed. You're amazing, she tells the grandfather. You kept your composure no matter how loud he got. Billy is very lucky to have you as a grandpa.
Thanks, replies the grandfather. But I'm Billy. The little twerp is Michael.


What did the hat say to the scarf?

You hang around, and I'll go on ahead.


Blonde attempts Suicide

One day she comes home and says "Today is the day I will hang myself." She leaves behind a suicide note for her husband on the table which read "I'm sorry honey, I cannot go on any longer." The husband comes home and sees the note and runs outside in a panic. He sees his wife hanging from a tree. "Honey, what are you doing? Come down from there!" With which she replied "No! I'm hanging myself!" The husband says "Why is the rope around your waist? It's supposed to go around your neck!" To which she replies "I tried that! I couldn't breathe!"


On the phone: "What's got a small

dick and hangs down?"

'I dunno?'

"A bat. What's got a big dick and hangs up?"

**hang up phone on them**

Usually followed by a call back calling you a bastard or some sort :D


What did the hat say to the belt?

You hang around I'll go on ahead


What did the bra say to the hat?

You go on a head, I'll hang back with these two


Stupid Blonde Jokes

A blonde really got tired of all blonde jokes and decided to hang herself in the bathroom. As she locked the door, she yelled at her husband, "I'm hanging myself because I'm tired of jokes about us blondes being stupid!" Her husband broke into the bathroom and saw his wife with a rope tied on her toe. The husband said, "I thought you were hanging yourself." She said, "Yes, I am!" The husband replied, "Usually when people hang themselves, they tie the rope around their neck, so why is yours tied on your toe?" She said, "I tried that, but I couldn't breathe."


I was driving past the prison the other day...

with a friend of mine. All of a sudden he starts shouting and pointing, 'LOOK! There's a midget escaping! He's gone over the wall and is climbing down!'

I slammed on my brakes and said, 'woah, hang on. You can't say midget - it's a little con-descending.'


I was watching TV last night...

When an advertisement came on showing one of those African babies covered in flies.I immediately ran for the phone and rang the number that came up on the screen.
"I want one of those", I said,"they work much better than those sticky strips I hang from my ceiling".


What did the scarf say to the hat?

You go on ahead. I'll hang around


A woman and her husband find a magic mirror at a garage sale...

The wife asks the owner, "what's so special about this mirror that it's $50?" The owner says "it's a magic mirror, it will grant you any wish." After a little discussing the husband and wife decide to purchase the mirror.

They haul it home and hang it on their bedroom door. "Try it out," the husband exclaims. The wife looks in the mirror and says, "Mirror, mirror on the door. Give me boobs that touch the floor." All of a sudden, the womens breast enlarge, become voluptuous, and are so big they are touching the floor.

The husband obviously excited wants to try it out. He looks in the mirror and says, "Mirror, mirror, on the door, make my dick touch the floor." All of sudden, the mans legs fall off.


Hitler asked his portrait

"What's going to happen to me when the war is over?" Hitler asked
"We're going to switch places" replied the portrait.
"How so?"
"They're going to take me down and hang you up."


Why didn't the other viruses hang out with The Common Cold?

Because he is a bad influenza


The Blind Man

A nun is in her bathtub. She hears a knock on the door and asks "who is it?" and a voice answers "it's the blind man." The nun, figuring the man wouldn't be able to see her anyway, doesn't cover her body and tells the man to come in. When the man walks in, he looks at the nun and says "Hey, nice tits. Where do you want me to hang the blind?"


A pair of jumper cables walk into a bar...

A pair of jumper cables walk into a bar. Immediately, the bartender walks up and says: "Hey! You guys can hang out here...just don't try and start anything."


I realize I'm not good advising suicidal people

I said "hang in there!"


I love Christmas lights!

... they remind me of politicians.

They all hang together, half the buggers don't work, and the ones that do aren't that bright!


Difference's Between two Jesus's

What's the difference between a picture of Jesus and actual Jesus?

It only takes one nail to hang a picture of Jesus.


A soccer team goes to a bar after a big win.

The keeper decides to hang out with his close friend, a defense player and his girlfriend. As it comes time to head home, the defender pulls the keeper aside and decides to compliment him on his play.

"You know, you're good as a keeper."

"Oh? What brought this about?"

"Well to start, you've been keeping me from scoring all night."


What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.


What does a suicidal teenager do on the weekends?

Hang at home.


What did the hookers hang on the christmas tree?



What did the prison guard say when Epstein cried for help?

"I'll be right there, just hang on for a minute."


I have a librarian friend and a grocer friend who rarely want to hang out with me

because they're just too shelf conscious.


So there I was hanging from the ledge...

When I thought "hold on a minute..."


So I was hanging out with this tree...

It was shady, so I left.


If you ever get cold, just go hang out in a corner...

They are usually 90 degrees.


A lady goes to the store to buy a hook

..to mount on a wall to hang her coat. She walks up to the counter with it but doesn't have a screw to mount it to the wall. The checkout guy says "do you want a screw for the hook? She answers ""No but I'll blow you for that toaster."

(A version of an old Andrew Dice Clay joke)


How is a Man like a Blizzard?

You don't know when it's cumming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it will hang around.

*Was reading an old joke book this morning. Hadn't heard this in a while, figure it deserved a share.*


What do a lonely astronaut and your thumbs have in common?

They both hang out at the Space Bar.


Why is the mens bathroom such an angry place?

It's where all the pricks hang out.


If women who hang out with a group of musicians and follow them around from gig-to-gig are called "groupies", what do you call the men who do the same thing?

They are called "bassists".


how do you call those guys who hang around with musicians all the time?



Susan taught all the toddlers a new song during Sunday school.

While learning "Must Jesus Bear the Cross Alone", the children stumbled when coming to the line "The consecrated cross I'll bear." After a bit of practice, everyone seemed to have gotten the hang of it and class was let out.

The following Sunday, a concerned mother came up to Susan and asked why her daughter was so focused on a constipated, cross-eyed bear.



You've red some of the best hang jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 50 puns about hang. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty hang gags to your kids. So please respect and be a good joking daddy !

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