Handsome Man Jokes

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes."
The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes-that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"
The woman said, "That would be okay," and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to."
The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me."
So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said, "That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine."
So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, I'd like a mild heart attack."

A brunette who really hated blondes was walking through the desert when she came across a magic lamp.
After rubbing the lamp the genie told her that she got three wishes with one catch: All the blondes in the world would get twice whatever she asked for.
So the brunette thought a while and then wished for a million dollars.
"Every blonde in the world will get two million."
The brunette said that was fine and then she asked for an incredibly handsome man.
Every blonde in the world will get two incredibly handsome men.
The brunette said that was fine too and the genie granted her wishes.
"Now for your third wish." said the genie.
"See that stick over there?", asked the brunette,
"I want you to beat me half to death with it."

John( talking to his counselor ): My wife just hired a young,handsome and muscular man to be our driver..

Counselor: So,you're jealous?
John: No,im just wondering?
Counselor: Wondering about what?
John: We dont have a car.

A real woman ...

A real woman ....
is a man's best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day. She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his deepest emotions, and give in to his most intimate desires.
She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, s**..., seductive and invincible...
No wait...
Sorry....
I'm thinking of whiskey. It's whiskey that does all that.

A Plane is Crashing over the Atlantic

A plane is halfway between New York and London when the pilot announces to the passengers that two engines have failed, and that they will be making an emergency landing in about 30 minutes. Most of the passengers are relatively calm, except for a woman in the back of the plane, who is in absolute hysterics. She is screaming and crying, until she stands up and shouts, "Please! Before I die, I want someone in here to make me feel like a real WOMAN!" A tall, handsome man with a sophisticated English accent stands up and slowly walks to the back of the plane. He sensually removes his shirt, approaches the woman and says, "Here. Iron this."

Three women and ducks

Three women die in a car accident and go to heaven when they are at the gate god tells them that there is only one rule and that is that you may not step on a duck. They women enter and do their best to enjoy heaven while being cautious about where they step for there are ducks everywhere. After about a week one of the three women steps on a duck and suddenly this old, smelly, repulsive and hairy man is chained to her for life. This only makes the other women more careful and another month passes by when a second of the three women steps on a duck. Then chained to her is a man more repulsive then the first. The third woman becomes ever so cautious and make it a whole year without treading upon a duck. Chained to her is a handsom, muscular and wonderful gentleman. She says to him "What happened to you?" he replies " I stepped on a duck..."

A cheeky sacrifice

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny, so the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. The doctor took a large piece from her buttocks.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his baby face!
One day, when he was alone with his wife, he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice and said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"
"My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

High School Reunion

I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma on the wall, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago.
Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?
Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.
After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School.
"Yes. Yes, I did. I'm a Mustang," he gleamed with pride.
"When did you graduate?" I asked.
He answered, "In 1975. Why do you ask?"
"You were in my class!" I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely.
Then that ugly, old, bald, wrinkle-faced, fat, gray-haired, old man asked me:
"What did you teach?"

Got this one in a forward from my dad - I did not see that one coming.

 
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD..
WELL .. . . YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.
MY NAME IS MARY , AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.
I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.
COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?
UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.
THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.
AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL .
YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.
WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.
HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?'
YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED.
HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.
THEN, THAT UGLY,
OLD,
BALDING,
WRINKLED FACED,
FAT-ASSED,
GRAY-HAIRED,
DECREPIT
s**...
ASKED
"WHAT DID YOU TEACH?

Elderly Woman and Her Cat

An elderly woman sitting on her porch, petting her beloved cat. A genie walks up her sidewalk. "Ma'am, you have lived a happy and simple life, I wish to grant you three wishes."
The woman smiles, "Oh, I have to think, well, I would like to be 18 again." The genie nods his head and she transforms into her 18 years old self. "I would like lots of money!" she wishes. He nods again and piles of gold and coins pile all beside her. The woman stops, "My cat here has been loyal and sweet, could you turn him into a young, handsome man?" The genie nods his head a third time and disappears. Turning around she sees a young man, fit, gorgeous and perfect.
"Why hello" she says coyly. He looks at her, "Don't look at me, you had me neutered."

Ducks

Three women die in an accident and go to Heaven. There Saint Peter says, 'We only have one rule - don't step on the ducks!' They enter Heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks everywhere. In fact, it's almost impossible not to step on a duck, and the first woman accidently steps on one straight away. Saint Peter comes along with the ugliest man the woman has ever seen and chains them together saying, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!' The next day, the second woman steps on a duck and she too is chained to an incredibly ugly man. The third woman is very, very careful with the ducks and manages to avoid stepping on any of them. One day Saint Peter comes along and chains her to an incredibly handsome man. The woman is delighted but wonders why she's been blessed. She gets on her knees and prays aloud, 'Oh Lord, what have I done to deserve this bounty?' The man says, 'I don't know about you, lady, but I trod on a duck.'

Difference between the words potentially and realistically

A kid goes up to his father and asks him, "Papa, I don't understand the difference between the words potentially and realistically. Could you explain it for me?"
"Of course son. Go to your mother, sister and brother and ask them if they would have s**... with Brad Pitt for a million dollars and see what they say."
The kid goes up to his mother and asks her if she would do the deed with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.
"Well, we sure could use the money and he is quite a handsome man. I suppose I would do it."
The boy then goes to his sister and asks if she would let Pitt hit it for a million dollars.
"Well yeah, he's still hot for an older guy."
The lad then goes to his brother and asks if he would allow Brad Pitt to lay pipe in his backyard.
"Honestly bro, I'd do it for that much money."
The boy then runs to his father with his findings. "Papa, I understand now. Potentially, we're sitting on 3 million dollars but realistically we live with 2 w**... and a fairy.

A lady on the beach

There was a lady lying on the beach one day who had no arms and legs. Whenever a handsome fellow would walk by her though she would start crying, and eventually one stopped and asked her "what is wrong?"
She replied with "Since I have no limbs, nobody has ever hugged me before."
The man feeling bad picks her up and gives her a long and very satisfying hug. As he sets her down and starts to leave, she starts crying again. So he asks her again "Lady, what is wrong?"
She replied with "Since I have no limbs nobody has ever kissed me before."
The man then kisses her very romantically and loving. Though as soon as he gets up and leaves she starts to cry again, and he asks her "Lady, what is wrong now?"
She replies "I have never been s**... before."
So the man picks her up and carries her into the ocean and tosses her as far as he can. Then he says "Well, you are now."

The beard (no, not that, an actual beard)

A married man was visiting his girlfriend when she requested that he shave his beard. "Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face."
James replied, "My wife loves this beard, I couldn't possibly do it, she would hate me."
"Oh please?" the girlfriend asked again.
"Oh really, I can't," he replies. "My wife loves this beard!"
The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighs and finally gives in. That night James crawls into bed with his wife while she was sleeping.
The wife is awakened somewhat, feels his face and replies, "Oh Michael, you shouldn't be here, my husband will be home soon!"

The old dentist

I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma, which showed his full name.
Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name who had been in my high school class some 40-odd years ago. Could this be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?
Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.
After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School.
"Yes. Yes, I did. I'm a Mustang," he beamed with pride.
"When did you graduate?" I asked.
He answered, "In 1959. Why do you ask?"
"You were in my class!" I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, old, bald wrinkled, fat, gray, decrepit son-of-a-gun asked, "What did you teach?"

Old Lady and the Fairy Godmother

An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when, all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.
Well, now, says the old lady, I guess I would like to be really, really rich. *p**...* Her rocking chair turns to solid gold. She smiles and says, Gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess. *p**...* She turns into a beautiful young woman.
Your third wish? asked the fairy godmother.
Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. Ooh… can you change him into a handsome prince? she asks. *p**...* There before her stands a young man, more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine.
She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak. He saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear, Bet you're sorry you had me neutered!

An old lady received 3 wishes...

An old lady sat on her front porch, rocking away the last days of her long life, when all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appeared and informed her that she would be granted three wishes.

Well, now, said the old lady, I guess I would like to be really rich.
*p**...* Her rocking chair turned into solid gold.
And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess.
*p**...* She turned into a beautiful young woman.
Your third wish? asked the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wandered across the porch in front of them. Ooh – can you change him into a handsome prince? she asked.
*p**...*
And there before her stood a young man more handsome than anyone could have possibly imagined. She stared at him, smitten. With a smile that made her knees weak, he sauntered across the porch and whispered in her ear,
Bet you're sorry you had me neutered.

A bartender notices a hideous man at the bar surrounded by several hot women...

...the bartender said to him, "please don't get offended when I tell you this, but I couldn't help noticing you have several beautiful women hanging all over you, and, forgive me, but you are not exactly the most handsome person I've seen. In fact, you are quite ugly. Now normally, I would think that these ladies are attracted to you because of your money, but I can tell by the way you're dressed and the fact that they are buying YOU drinks, it's not the money. Tell me, sir what is it about you that attracts all these b**...?"
The man paused a moment, licked his eyebrows, and said, " I haven't the faintest idea."

A woman is traveling in an airplane..

All of a sudden the airplanes engine stalls. "The plane is going down. I repeat, the plane is going down!" The Pilot announces,
The woman starts to panic. "No! No! I can't die like this! I've been single for 15 years! I need a man to make me feel like a woman one last time!"
A very handsome man from the front of the plane stands up. "I can help you with that." He starts slowly walking toward her.
She is shocked at how s**... he is, and starts to tingle and sweat. He keeps walking toward her, slowly taking off his shirt one button at a time.
She rips her shirt off and pulls her skirt down. Exposing her bra and p**.... "Oh yes." She says.
He approaches her, unbuttons his last button, and takes off his shirt, revealing a washboard set of abs. He tosses her the shirt and says, "Iron this, woman."

Wife vs. Girlfriend vs. beard

A married man was visiting his girlfriend when she requested that he shave his beard.
Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face.
James replied, My wife loves this beard, I couldn't possibly do it, she would kill me!!
Oh please? the girlfriend asked again, in a s**... little voice…
Oh really, I can't, he replied. My wife loves this beard!!
The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighed and finally gave in and s**... his face smooth.
That night James crawled into bed with his wife while she was sleeping.
The wife was awakened somewhat, felt his face and replied, Oh Michael, you shouldn't be here, my husband will be home soon!

So these two ladies die

and are waiting in purgatory to hear the results of their life audit. A door opens and two men walk in. An angel walks in with an ugly, hunch backed gremlin of a man. The angel says "Nancy, in 1982 you killed a duck, your punishment will be to spend your eternal life with this man". He slaps the the shackles on each of their arms and are sent off for eternity. A little while later another angel walks in with a gorgeous hunky stud. He slaps the shackle on her and the handsome man and are sent on their way. During their walk shes thinking she must have be a good person during her life on earth, when she's interrupted by the man's muttering "I shouldn't have killed that duck".

Three women go to heaven...

Upon entering the pearly gates God states, "You can live a blissful life with anything you can dream of for all eternity. However, you must not step on any of the ducks!" The women look around to see the floor crowded with waddling ducks. Years go by without a hiccup. Finally after 10 years the first woman makes the dreaded mistake and steps on a duck. Immediately she in handcuffed to the most hideous, grotesque man she has ever seen. God states, "This shall remain for all eternity!" Five years later the second women makes the same crucial mistake and "p**...!" another hideous mate handcuffed for the rest of time. Finally after decades, "p**...!" the final women is suddenly strapped to the most handsome, perfect man she has ever seen. She screams to God, "What did I do to be so lucky?!!" At that moment the man looks over and says, "I don't know about you, but I just stepped on a duck!"

I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.....

I noticed his BDS degree on the wall, which bore his full name.
Suddenly, I remembered a tall , handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 25-odd years ago.
Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?
Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.
After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended St Mary's high school.
"Yes. yes, I did.' he gleamed with pride.
"When did you graduate?" I asked.
He answered, "In 1989. Why do you ask?"
"You were in my class!!!!", I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely.
Then, that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled faced, gray-haired, decrepit, s**..., asked,
"What did you teach" ?

A very handsome man gets into a terrible car accident....

The doctors save his life, but he loses one eye. Before a nice glass one can be fitted, he is temporarily given a wooden eye.
The man becomes very depressed because of his eye loss and sits at home, moping around. Eventually his friends come over and drag him out to a bar to try and cheer him up. While at the bar, he's still just sitting there looking depressed, not really talking. One of his friends suggests he tries to talk to a cute girl who seems alone at the bar.
"No, she'll never go for a man with a wooden eye," the man says.
"Okay, how about that girl over there?" His friend responds. "She has a really big nose".
The man walks over to the girl and asks, "Would you like to dance?"
Very excited, and shocked, to be asked to dance by such an attractive man, the woman responses "Would, I?! Would I?!"
To which the man quickly responds "Big nose! Big nose!"

A bus full of ugly people c**... on the side of the road...

...all of them die.
God, being the gracious being he is, decides to give them all one wish before he lets them into heaven.
Down the line they go:
"I wish I was beautiful."
"I wish I was handsome."
"I wish I was attractive."
....
This goes on for a while.
Finally, God comes to the last man. He's been snickering to himself the entire time in line.
God says, "Now sir, what do you wish for?"
Without missing a beat he replies...
"Make em' all ugly again."

Another bar joke

A man is sitting at the bar drinking a beer. He hears "nice suit". He looks around, but there is nobody near him. He shrugs it off, takes another sip. He hears "nice shoes too!" Startled, he looks around again this time searching for hidden cameras, or a television or some explanation for the voice. Still nothing. A few minutes pass and he forgets about it again going back to his beer. He then hears "you're very handsome". A little unnerved he asks the bartender "man, I don't want to sound strange, but I swear I keep hearing this voice talk to me..." the bartender replies nonchalantly "complimentary peanuts".

A guy walks into a Mexican restaurant and takes a seat...

A guy walks into a Mexican restaurant and takes a seat.
Before he gets to order a his food, the bowl of tortilla chips in front of him says "Hey, you're a handsome fellow."
The man tries to ignore the chips and orders a margarita.
The chips say, "Ooooh that drink is delicious. Great choice. You're a very smart man."
Starting to freak out, the guy screams to the waiter, "Hey what the heck, this bowl of chips keeps saying nice things to me!!"
Waiter says, "Don't worry about it, the tortilla chips are complimentary."

A young woman accidentally summons a genie.

"What is your wish?" asked the genie.
"World peace!" blurted the idealistic but naive young woman.
"People give me that all the time. I am not that powerful. Sorry. Wish something less powerful." replied the genie.
"This dog is very loyal and loves me. Turn him into a man so he will also be loyal and loves me." the woman asks the genie.
The genie snaps his fingers. The dog turns into a handsome young man and the genie disappears.
The young man sadly looks at the woman and says "I really wish you didn't have me neutered."
________________
with inputs from /u/KJBenson

A man finds a lamp..

Out of the lamp comes a Genie, the Genie says to the man you know the deal 3 wishes. There's only one catch, whatever you wish for your mother-in-law gets double.
The man thinks a bit on his first wish and says Genie, I want to be handsome. The Genie says waaa-laaa you're a good looking man but, your mother-in-law is now gorgeous.
The man then thinks upon his second wish and says Genie, I want to be rich. The Genie snaps his fingers and says your bank account now has 5 Million dollars in it but, your mother-in-law now has 10 Million.
The Genie then says this is your last wish.
The man thinks long and hard and looks at the Genie and says Genie, I want you to beat me half to death.

A blonde and a brunette are on an elevator when...

... a handsome young man enters on the next floor. He is absolutely stunning and both women are enamored. He smiles politely at them and selects his floor, turning around to face the door in process. That is when both ladies noticed he had a horrible case of dandruff.
The brunette whispers to the blonde, My goodness that is the sexiest man I have ever seen in my entire life.
Whispering even quieter, I think he could definitely benefit from a little Head & Shoulders. Giving a subtle hint to her nearby friend.
Upon hearing this, the blonde stares blankly for a few moments replying, Well... okay... but... I'm not exactly certain how to give Shoulders.