The Best 88 Handsome Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Handsome jokes. There are some handsome lady jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these handsome flirty puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Handsome Jokes and Puns

An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom"

"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff.
The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."

A plane is about to crash.

(Don't know if this is a repost. If it is, I didn't know.)

The pilot of a plane tells the passengers that the plane is going down.

A woman frantically gets up from her chair and announces, "All my life, I've never made sweet passionate love with a man. Before I die, I want someone to really make me feel like a woman."

Just then, a handsome man gets up from his chair. He walks down the aisle to the woman, removes his shirt,

and asks her to iron it.

A guy is sitting in a bar when a great looking woman comes over to him.

He's really excited, but it immediately comes clear that she is a hooker. She says, "Hey, handsome. Want to play a game? Here is how it works. I'll do absolutely anything you want for three hundred dollars, as long as you can say it in three words."
The guy thinks for a minute. Then he pulls his wallet out of his pocket, lays three hundred dollar bills on the bar, and says, "Paint my house."

Handsome joke, A guy is sitting in a bar when a great looking woman comes over to him.

A handsome black guy picks up a woman at the bar

They leave and go back to the woman's place for some drinks and soon things start to get hot and heavy. They start making out and as the black guy is kissing her neck she suddenly shouts out in pleasure, "SHOW ME THAT IT'S TRUE WHAT THEY SAY ABOUT BLACK MEN!"

So he stabs her and runs off with her purse.

Joke directed insult

A woman walks into the doctors office. She says she wants a child, but doesnt want to have sex. The doctor says ok and asks what kind of child she wants. The woman said she wanted a smart and handsome kid. The doctor then hands her a blue pill.

A few months later, the woman comes back and says she has had a miscarriage but still wants a child. The doctor says ok and asks what kind of kid she wants. The woman said she will have a regular kid this time. The doctor then hands her a red pill.

Even more months later, the woman returns and says shes had a miscarriage but still wants a kid. The doctor says ok and asks what kind of kid she will want. She says since the other ones did not work out she will have a ugly, stupid kid. The doctor says ok and hands her a pill.

*At this point the joke teller asks the victim what color they think the pill is.

*The response will most likely be "I don't know, what?"

*The joke teller then says "I don't know, try asking your mother."

Immaturity at its best.


If a threesome is with 3 people...

If a threesome is with 3 people and a foursome is with 4 people I can see why they call you handsome.

Last night on stage at the strip club ...

...was the ugliest woman I've ever seen. She danced up to me and said "Hey handsome, what would you like me to take off first?"

"My glasses" I said

Handsome joke, Last night on stage at the strip club ...

A plane is going to crash...

The passengers on board know they only have a few minutes left to live and one woman stands up from her chair and calls out to everyone. "We're all going to die...but before we do, is there anyone on board who can make me feel like a woman?"
A young handsome man rises up from his seat with a look of strong determination and nods with certainty. "Of course, I can!" And he pulls his shirt off at once.
He holds it out to her and says "Here, iron this!"

If three people in a relationship are a threesome, two people in a relationship are a twosome...

That's why people call me handsome.

Handsome

What do you call it when you have sex with three other people?

Foursome

What do you call it when you have sex with two other people?

Threesome

Why do you think people call you handsome?

A farmer has a new handsome assistant

A farmer has a new handsome assistant. One morning they want to go out into the fields to work. At the garden gate the farmer sees that the roads are muddy and realizes that he forgot his rubber boots (Wellingtons for the Brits ;)
He tells his assistant to go get the boots from the house. The assistant returns and finds the farmers very pretty wife, along with the equally pretty daughter sitting in the kitchen. He tells them: "The farmer just said it would be alright if I had sex with you right now!" The women look sceptical, so the assistant opens the window and shouts to the farmer: "Both?"
Farmer: "Of course both of them, what do you think?!"

You can explore handsome splendid reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean handsome pretty dad jokes. There are also handsome puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


The captain and the prostitute

A captain of the army goes to a prostitute and asks her :
"Say, madam, for a hundred dollars, would you accept my company ?"
And the prostitute answers : "Of course, a handsome military like you"
The captains thanks her, turns around and shout :
"Company, FORWARD !"

(I hope the joke translates well)

If 2 people having sex.....

If 2 people having sex is called a twosome, and 3 people having sex is called a threesome, then I can see why they call you handsome.

If 4 people having sex is a foursome....

3 people having sex is a threesome...

And 2 people having sex is a twosome...

Does that make me handsome?

A woman rubs a lamp and out pops a genie.

''You're a kind lady, so I'll grant you one wish,'' the genie tells her.''See this cat? I'd rather have a strong, handsome man,'' she says.The genie agrees and – poof! – the cat turns into a Brad Pitt clone. The woman leaps into his lap.''Do you have anything to say before we make love?'' she asks.''Yes,'' he says. ''I bet you wish you hadn't had me neutered last week.''

Dad, how does it feel to have such a handsome son?

I don't know son, ask your grandfather...

Handsome joke, Dad, how does it feel to have such a handsome son?

If sex with two other people is a threesome...

and sex with 3 others is a foursome,

then I guess that makes me handsome.

John Snow.

John Snow was at a bar outside the great wall drinking. A beautiful girl comes inside and her eyes meet his. She likes him, so she goes and introduce herself.

-Hello, handsome. My name is Jenny Spring. What's yours?

John laughs and continues with his drink.

-Why is this funny?

John responds,

-Nothing. I just imagine how rare it would be to have 7 inches of Snow in spring...

When 2 people have sex it's called a twosome. When 3 people do it it's called a threesom

I guess that's why they call me handsome...


I spot a beautiful woman in a night club,

I approach her and ask if she will have sex with me for a million dollars. She smiles and says "sure thing handsome" I return the smile and ask if she would have sex with me for a hundred dollars. She looks offended and says "what kind of woman do you think I am?" I say "we have already established that, I'm just negotiating the price".

"They said 'You'll never amount to anything, you aren't handsome enough to be a star, you're too short, you can't sing, you're not funny enough'"

"So anyway here's your medium Latte that'll be 3.79"

A very tall and handsome man walks into a bar

and suffers a mild concussion.

If sex with three people is called a threesome and sex with four people is called a foursome, I guess now it's clear why everyone calls me handsome.

If a twosome is with two people, and a threesome is with three people.....

I understand why people call you handsome.

A narcissist walks into a bar...

A narcissist walks into a bar and orders a drink for the handsome gent winking at him from the opposite side of the room.

The bartender looks around.
"Sir, that's a mirror."

Sex with 3 people...

Sex with 3 people is called a threesome. Sex with 2 people is called a twosome. That explains why they call you handsome.

My girlfriend broke up with me because I am extremely handsome and too many girls want me

She said something else about my chronic lying disorder but I wasn't really listening

Sex with two is a twosome, sex with three is a threesome.

Why do you think guys are called handsome?

How do attractive men pay for things?

They handsome money to the cashier

My girlfriend's father is pretty religious and said we couldn't make love...

which is rather disappointing because he's extremely handsome.

So, so very handsome

If sex between three people is a threesome.
And sex between two people is a twosome.
Then...I guess I know why everybody calls me handsome.

A guy walks into a Mexican restaurant and takes a seat...

A guy walks into a Mexican restaurant and takes a seat.

Before he gets to order a his food, the bowl of tortilla chips in front of him says "Hey, you're a handsome fellow."

The man tries to ignore the chips and orders a margarita.

The chips say, "Ooooh that drink is delicious. Great choice. You're a very smart man."

Starting to freak out, the guy screams to the waiter, "Hey what the heck, this bowl of chips keeps saying nice things to me!!"

Waiter says, "Don't worry about it, the tortilla chips are complimentary."

Sex between 3 people is a threesome, 2 is a twosome...

Does that make me a handsome guy?

What do you call a really handsome potato?

A spud.

If there's three people, it's usually a threesome. If there's two people, it's called a twosome. And if a guy is single?

He's usually called handsome.

Little Johnny goes trick-or-treating...

Little Johnny goes trick-or-treating dressed as a pirate. He rings the doorbell of the first house and an old lady answers the door, bowl of candy in hand.

She takes one look at him and exclaims, "Oh, such a handsome pirate. And where are your Buccaneers?"

Little Johnny looks up at her and replies, "Under my Buckin' hat!"

[NSFW] If sex with three people is a threesome And sex with two people is a twosome...

Then I get why some people call me handsome.

If 4 people have sex is called a four-some

3 people have sex is a three-some
and 2 people have sex is a two-some

Now you know why they call me handsome

A handsome and well dressed old man walks into a bar...

... approaches a good looking elderly lady, and says:

"Do I come here often?"

If I had a dollar every time a woman called me handsome...

I would have one dollar... thanks mom...

A British girl meets a guy...

And they hit it off immediately. The girl goes to her dad the next day to tell him about it.

"Oh, dad, he's just the sweetest! He loves dancing and photography, he's great with kids, and he volunteers at an animal shelter. He's funny, handsome, a great listener, oh! and he's a goalie for a local football team. Oh dad, what do you think?"

Her dad looked at her with an odd expression and said "Oh honey...

... *he's a keeper*"

If two people having sex is called a twosome.....

Then now i know why they call you handsome ;)

Mom am I handsome?

Son:. Mom, am I handsome?

Mother:. I don't know, ask your girlfriend.

Son: But ,I don't have a girlfriend.

Mother: Then you have your answer.

When two people do it, it's called twosome.

When three people do it, it's called threesome.
Now I think I know why all my friends call me handsome...

If it requires three people to do a threesome then...

That's why people tell me I'm handsome...

I solicited a prostitute the other night. NSFW

She said, "hey handsome. It's $20 an inch, and if it's over ten, it's free."

Best 40 bucks I ever spent.

Last night I went to a trendy new bar and was approached by a beautiful young lady who said "Hey there handsome, do you come here often?"

to which I replied "no, I usually come at home, but I am open to new experiences". These English lessons are finally paying off.

Three people having sex...

is called a threesome, four people a foursome. Now it hits me why everyone keeps calling me "handsome"...

If four people are having sex, it's a foursome. If three people are having sex, it's threesome.

Finally I understand why people call me Handsome

A man walks into a bar...

He sits down and asks the bartender for a drink. As he takes a sip he hears a voice say, "Hey there, you're looking rather handsome today!"

He looks around but can't find the person who made the comment. So he turns to the bartender and asks, "Who said that?"

The bartender said, "The peanuts. They're complimentary."

An army captain approaches a prostitute and asks her, "Would you enjoy my company for $100?"...

She looks at the handsome military officer and says, "Of course, I would be glad!"

Captain replies, "COMPANY! FORWARD!"

What do you call a handsome sprinter?

Dashing.

A threesome involves three people. A twosome involves two.

I guess that's why everybody keeps calling me handsome.

Having sex with four people is called a foursome, having sex with three people is called a threesome

Now I know why people call me handsome

I was diagnosed with Narcissictic Personality Disorder...

....or as I call it, Handsome Disease.

He wasn't the most fit or handsome guy, but she loved him for what he is.

A Millionaire.

I was sleeping round at my girlfriend's house and her dad said we couldn't sleep in the same bed

It was a real shame, I thought he was quite handsome.

My wife asked how she looks this morning.

I said, "drop dead gorgeous!"

She replied, "hope you die too! Handsome!"

I asked my girlfriend - what do you like the most about me ? Is it my handsome look ? Is it my amazing intellect ? Is it my astonishing achievements ?

She said "Its your sense of humor"

What do you call a handsome young man who is very forgetful?

What was I saying again?

The officer said You're staggering.

I said You're quite handsome yourself.
We both laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.

A man walks into a bar alone and sits down at the table. It's just him and the bartender, but out of nowhere he starts hearing these voices.

Hey there, like your shirt!
Sweet tie
Looking good with that haircut
Wow you're handsome

Blushing, but scared and confused, the man looks to the bartender and asks, Okay, am I going crazy or do you hear those voices too?

With a laugh the bartender replies, Oh, don't mind them. Those are just the complimentary peanuts!

Was sleeping in my girlfriend's house last night and her dad wouldn't let us sleep in the same bed

I was really angry because he is actually really handsome

I man and his wife walk into a disco...

And in the middle of the dance floor there is a very handsome man with a great body and expensive jewelry. Who is busting some serious moves, back flips, moon walking, running man etc.
The wife turns to her husband and says "see that man he asked me to marry him ten years ago but I said no"
The husband replies "and it looks like he is still celebrating"

Two married ladies go for a girly holiday to the Carribbean

They meet a handsome muscular black man on the first day.

They have a wild week of threesomes and parties, and on the last day the ladies say we never asked you your name.
He replies "my name is snow"
The ladies immediately burst out laughing.
The man looking rather upset asks why they are laughing.
And the ladies say "I don't think our husbands will believe that we got 10 inches of snow in the Caribbean.

Me: I know it's weird, but I like to tell dad jokes while I'm having sex

She: Whatever you're into, handsome! ;)
Me: DAD! COME ON IN! SHE'S COOL!

If you have sex with two other people it's called a threesome

If you have sex with three other people it's called a foursome.... I guess that's why they call me handsome. :(

Daddy, why are you so fat?

Well, honey, being smart, handsome, rich, talented, AND thin just wouldn't be fair, now would it?

A threesome is sex with three people. A twosome is sex with two people.

It makes sense why people always call me handsome.

A nervous man walks into the bar

He goes to the counter and starts eating the nuts. Suddenly he hears a voice say you're handsome coming from the countertop, he looks around to find the source of the voice, but is unable to do so.

He continues eating the nuts when the voice once again says you have nice hair.

The man realises that the voice was coming from the nuts. He asks the bartender what's up with these nuts?

The bartender replies: oh those? They're complementary!

I was pulled over by a police officer for drink driving.

He said walk down the path in a straight line, 3 yards into the walk, the officer said, "You're staggering" I said, "you're quite handsome yourself" We just laughed and laughed. Now I need bail money.

A man takes his place in the theatre, but his seat is too far from the stage.

He whispers to the usher "This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat and I'll give you a handsome tip". The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter. The usher looks at the quarter in his hand, leans over and whispers "The wife did it".

If being handsome is a crime...

I would be a law-abiding citizen

I met a drunk ventriloquist at the bar last night.

She said I was the most handsome man she had ever seen. I wasn't sure if it was her or the beer talking.

Got an old joke from my teacher.

A nurse was walking past a mother who recently gave birth to a son.

"Congratulations, your son's pretty handsome!" the nurse said to the mother.

Mother: "Thank you. Do you always say this to all parents?"

Nurse: "No, I only say it when I really think so."

Mother: "So what do you say to the ugly ones?"

Nurse: "Oh, I just tell them: Congratulations, they look just like you!"

A reporter is at the airport, writing a piece on the womanising reputation of airline pilots.

She approaches a handsome, uniformed captain and asks, "for my article, can you please tell me the last time you made love?

It was 1959 , says the pilot.

"Oh wow, that long ago?" she responds, "I thought you airline pilots held a reputation as real ladies men"

Pilot looks at his watch and says "Well, considering it's only 2025 now..."

If sex with 3 people is called a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome…

I understand why they call you handsome!

A man was close to passing and said to his wife "Please answer one final question honestly for me"

"Anything" replied his wife.

The man continued, "We have three sons. Two are fine strapping lads, handsome, tall, strong. They have been the pride of my life. But our third son is so different, he is small, weak, and always ill. Please tell me honestly before I die, is he actually my son?"

His wife replied sincerely "Yes, you don't have to worry, he is our son". And with his mind set at ease the man passed away.

His wife thought to herself, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other two."

One day during a war....

A tall, strong and handsome Roman soldier broke into a house where he found two luscious maidens and their matronly nurse.

Chuckling with glee, he roared, "Prepare thyselves for a conquest, my pretties."

The lovely girls fell to their knees and pleaded with him, "Do with us as thou wilt, O Roman, but spare our faithful old nurse."

"Shut thy mouth," snapped the old nurse. "War is war."

If sex with 3 people is called threesome.

And sex with 4 people is called foursome.
I guess I understand now why everyone calls me handsome.

You've heard of threesomes and foursomes

I guess that's why they call me handsome

If I had a dollar everyone called me handsome...

I'd have a dollar.

Thanks mom =(

An old woman is sitting on her porch when a genie appears

"You get one wish" he is straight to the point. woman thinks about it but she is content with her life. Just that moment her cat strolls by. With a mischievous smile she tells genie she wants her cat turned into handsome man. "Done" genie says and vanishes. And true to his word instead of a cat there is a really good looking man standing on the porch. Woman gives him an appreciative look and he smiles, leans i and whispers in her ear "I bet you wish now you haven't had me neutered."

The Three Wishes

A woman gets three wishes, BUT, says the Genie, for everything you wish, your husband will be granted your wish times 1000. She says, I would like to be beautiful. The Genie grants her wish, and says, you are beautiful, but your husband is the most handsome man alive. She says, I would like to be very rich. The Genie grants her wish, but says, you are very rich, but your husband is 1000 times richer. What is your 3rd wish? She says, I would like to have a little teeny heart attack.

What to pick

An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom"

"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff. The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."

Three people in a bed is called a threesome

Two people in a bed is called a twosome.
Now you know why people call you handsome.

Every woman I've ever been with has called me handsome.

They all stick their hand out before sex and say hand some money over.

Two people making love is a twosome…

…three people making love is a threesome

That must be why they call me handsome.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the handsome shapely jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working handsome young piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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