Handsome Jokes
147 handsome jokes and hilarious handsome puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about handsome that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
For those looking for a good laugh, this article has got you covered. Check out these handsome jokes that will make you giggle. From stunningly lovely to splendidly handsome, these jokes are guaranteed to bring a smile to your face.
Funniest Handsome Short Jokes
Short handsome jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The handsome humour may include short pretty boy jokes also.
- Was sleeping in my girlfriend's house last night and her dad wouldn't let us sleep in the same bed I was really angry because he is actually really handsome
- If I had a dollar every time a woman called me handsome... I would have one dollar... thanks mom...
- My girlfriend broke up with me because I am extremely handsome and too many girls want me She said something else about my chronic lying disorder but I wasn't really listening
- The officer said You're staggering. I said You're quite handsome yourself.
We both laughed and laughed.
I need bail money. - Seafood for thought A man went into a seafood restaurant and asked for a lobster tail. The waitress smiled sweetly and said, Once upon a time there was this handsome lobster…
- I was diagnosed with Narcissictic Personality Disorder... ....or as I call it, Handsome Disease.
- Dad, how does it feel to have such a handsome son? I don't know son, ask your grandfather...
- I met a drunk ventriloquist at the bar last night. She said I was the most handsome man she had ever seen. I wasn't sure if it was her or the beer talking.
- I asked my girlfriend - what do you like the most about me ? Is it my handsome look ? Is it my amazing intellect ? Is it my astonishing achievements ? She said "Its your sense of humor"
- Mom am I handsome? Son:. Mom, am I handsome?
Mother:. I don't know, ask your girlfriend.
Son: But ,I don't have a girlfriend.
Mother: Then you have your answer.
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Handsome One Liners
Which handsome one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with handsome? I can suggest the ones about hot guy and pretty face.
- How do attractive men pay for things? They handsome money to the cashier
- He wasn't the most fit or handsome guy, but she loved him for what he is. A Millionaire.
- If being handsome is a crime... I would be a law-abiding citizen
- You've heard of threesomes and foursomes I guess that's why they call me handsome
- What do you call a handsome sprinter? Dashing.
- What do you call a handsome young man who is very forgetful? What was I saying again?
- What do you call a really handsome potato? A spud.
- A very tall and handsome man walks into a bar and suffers a mild concussion.
- One of my molars just said I'm handsome. I love having a sweet tooth.
- I don't think girls realize... ...how handsome my mom says I am.
- Moseses parents didn't start off rich but they made a handsome profit
- What do you call a handsome robot? A hunk of metal.
- I have 99 problems and being handsome solves 54 of them Therefore I have 99 problems.
- You are dark and handsome; When it's dark,you are handsome.
- What did the mushroom say to his date? I may not be handsome, but I am a fungi.
Handsome Man Jokes
Here is a list of funny handsome man jokes and even better handsome man puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- One day a handsome young man proposes to his girlfriend, but she says no. And the man lives happily ever after!
- What's the difference between a handsome man and Ross from friends searching for a melon? One's a good looking fella and the other's a food looking Geller
- An insanely desperate and lonely woman passes a note to a handsome young man, Now that you have my number, if you want to get married just give me a ring!
- I caught a man staring into my car the other day... When I confronted him of his suspicious behaviour he said: "I was merely admiring the handsome man in your car."
- George Bush is a pretty handsome man I would rate him 9/11
Hilarious Fun Handsome Jokes to Bring Joy & Laughter with Friends
What funny jokes about handsome you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean attractive jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make handsome pranks.
A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes."
The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes-that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"
The woman said, "That would be okay," and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to."
The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me."
So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said, "That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine."
So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, I'd like a mild heart attack."
Three women are out clubbing and they spot a club that says, "Women Only."
Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.
The first floor has a sign on the door that reads, "All men here are short and plain."
The women laugh and continue up to the second floor.
The sign reads, "All men here are tall and plain."
Still this isn't good enough, and the women proceed to the third floor.
"All men here are short and handsome."
The women still want more and go to the fourth floor, where the sign reads, "All men here are tall and handsome."
This is perfect and the women are preparing to go in, when they realise that there is still one more floor.
They go up one floor and read the sign.
"There are no men here. This floor is built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."
Handsome, Sweet, Intelligent, spontaneous, good-looking, nice friends, charming, funny, well...Enough about ME! How about you?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I require three things in a man. He must be handsome, ruthless and s**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
3 people having s**... is a t**..., 2 is a twosome. So next time someone calls you 'HANDSOME', don't take it as a compliment!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There are smart men, handsome men, rich men, s**... men and sweet men and then there is the combination of all. We call that one a "unicorn"
An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom"
"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff.
The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."
John( talking to his counselor ): My wife just hired a young,handsome and muscular man to be our driver..
Counselor: So,you're jealous?
John: No,im just wondering?
Counselor: Wondering about what?
John: We dont have a car.
There once was a princess who lived alone with her cat in a castle.
Being her only companion, she loved the cat very much. Little did she know, the cat was actually a handsome prince that had be cursed to live his life as a feline.
Seeing how much the princess loved the cat, the witch that had cursed him turned him back into a handsome prince, so he could spend the rest of his life with the princess.
Upon seeing the handsome prince, he said, "I bet you wish I wasn't fixed now, huh?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A plane is about to c**....
(Don't know if this is a repost. If it is, I didn't know.)
The pilot of a plane tells the passengers that the plane is going down.
A woman frantically gets up from her chair and announces, "All my life, I've never made sweet passionate love with a man. Before I die, I want someone to really make me feel like a woman."
Just then, a handsome man gets up from his chair. He walks down the aisle to the woman, removes his shirt,
and asks her to iron it.
Three women and ducks
Three women die in a car accident and go to heaven when they are at the gate god tells them that there is only one rule and that is that you may not step on a duck. They women enter and do their best to enjoy heaven while being cautious about where they step for there are ducks everywhere. After about a week one of the three women steps on a duck and suddenly this old, smelly, repulsive and hairy man is chained to her for life. This only makes the other women more careful and another month passes by when a second of the three women steps on a duck. Then chained to her is a man more repulsive then the first. The third woman becomes ever so cautious and make it a whole year without treading upon a duck. Chained to her is a handsom, muscular and wonderful gentleman. She says to him "What happened to you?" he replies " I stepped on a duck..."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Joke directed insult
A woman walks into the doctors office. She says she wants a child, but doesnt want to have s**.... The doctor says ok and asks what kind of child she wants. The woman said she wanted a smart and handsome kid. The doctor then hands her a blue pill.
A few months later, the woman comes back and says she has had a miscarriage but still wants a child. The doctor says ok and asks what kind of kid she wants. The woman said she will have a regular kid this time. The doctor then hands her a red pill.
Even more months later, the woman returns and says shes had a miscarriage but still wants a kid. The doctor says ok and asks what kind of kid she will want. She says since the other ones did not work out she will have a ugly, s**... kid. The doctor says ok and hands her a pill.
*At this point the joke teller asks the victim what color they think the pill is.
*The response will most likely be "I don't know, what?"
*The joke teller then says "I don't know, try asking your mother."
Immaturity at its best.
Ducks
Three women die in an accident and go to Heaven. There Saint Peter says, 'We only have one rule - don't step on the ducks!' They enter Heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks everywhere. In fact, it's almost impossible not to step on a duck, and the first woman accidently steps on one straight away. Saint Peter comes along with the ugliest man the woman has ever seen and chains them together saying, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!' The next day, the second woman steps on a duck and she too is chained to an incredibly ugly man. The third woman is very, very careful with the ducks and manages to avoid stepping on any of them. One day Saint Peter comes along and chains her to an incredibly handsome man. The woman is delighted but wonders why she's been blessed. She gets on her knees and prays aloud, 'Oh Lord, what have I done to deserve this bounty?' The man says, 'I don't know about you, lady, but I trod on a duck.'
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Beer
This morning I was in luck and was able to buy two boxes of "Bud Light" cheap.
I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home. I stopped at a service station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump.
She glanced at the two boxes of beer, bent over and leaned in my passenger window, and said in a s**... voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, handsome. Would you be interested in trading s**... for beer?"
I thought for a few seconds and asked, "What kind of beer 'ya got?"
Two identical twins separated at birth...
... And are put up for adoption. One of the twins gets adopted by a Mexican couple and is named Juan. The other twin gets adopted by an Egyptian family and is named Hamal.
Years later their biological mother and father receive a letter from both their children saying how through a bizarre series of coincidences they had found eachother and had tracked down their address. Enclosed was a picture of Juan smiling happily with his adoptive Mexican parents.
"Oh" the mother says to her husband. "he's so handsome! And seems so happy! I wish I knew what his brother looks like."
"Honey" said her husband "They're twins, once you've seen Juan, you've seen Hamal."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Last night on stage at the s**... club ...
...was the ugliest woman I've ever seen. She danced up to me and said "Hey handsome, what would you like me to take off first?"
"My glasses" I said
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A farmer has a new handsome assistant
A farmer has a new handsome assistant. One morning they want to go out into the fields to work. At the garden gate the farmer sees that the roads are muddy and realizes that he forgot his rubber boots (Wellingtons for the Brits ;)
He tells his assistant to go get the boots from the house. The assistant returns and finds the farmers very pretty wife, along with the equally pretty daughter sitting in the kitchen. He tells them: "The farmer just said it would be alright if I had s**... with you right now!" The women look sceptical, so the assistant opens the window and shouts to the farmer: "Both?"
Farmer: "Of course both of them, what do you think?!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman rubs a lamp and out pops a genie.
''You're a kind lady, so I'll grant you one wish,'' the genie tells her.''See this cat? I'd rather have a strong, handsome man,'' she says.The genie agrees and – p**...! – the cat turns into a Brad Pitt clone. The woman leaps into his lap.''Do you have anything to say before we make love?'' she asks.''Yes,'' he says. ''I bet you wish you hadn't had me neutered last week.''
I saw this really handsome guy running through a blizzard the other day...
He was dashing through the snow.
John Snow.
John Snow was at a bar outside the great wall drinking. A beautiful girl comes inside and her eyes meet his. She likes him, so she goes and introduce herself.
-Hello, handsome. My name is Jenny Spring. What's yours?
John laughs and continues with his drink.
-Why is this funny?
John responds,
-Nothing. I just imagine how rare it would be to have 7 inches of Snow in spring...
I would love to know what it's like to be handsome for one day...
... because everyday is just too much.
A genie appears in front of a middle-aged wife at home.
"I can grant you one wish," the genie says.
"Well," the woman said thoughtfully, "My husband hasn't been fun in bed for a while... I want you to turn my old cat into a manly friend!" She points at an old, fat cat resting lazily on the couch.
"Granted," the genie says as he disappears, and the cat transforms into a handsome, muscular Brad Pitt clone.
The woman jumps into his arms. "Any words before we make sweet love?"
"Yes," says the man. "I bet you wish you hadn't neutered me."
From My Dad: You were voted most handsome at camp!
Too bad it was a concentration camp.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"They said 'You'll never amount to anything, you aren't handsome enough to be a star, you're too short, you can't sing, you're not funny enough'"
"So anyway here's your medium Latte that'll be 3.79"
A narcissist walks into a bar...
A narcissist walks into a bar and orders a drink for the handsome gent winking at him from the opposite side of the room.
The bartender looks around.
"Sir, that's a mirror."
"I can't understand a word he says"
A: Meet my new born brother.
B: Oh, he is so handsome! What's his name?
A: I don't know. I can't understand a word he says.
what did the handsome highschool boy wear to school?
a whole lot of DAAAAAMN DANIEL
A guy walks into a Mexican restaurant and takes a seat...
A guy walks into a Mexican restaurant and takes a seat.
Before he gets to order a his food, the bowl of tortilla chips in front of him says "Hey, you're a handsome fellow."
The man tries to ignore the chips and orders a margarita.
The chips say, "Ooooh that drink is delicious. Great choice. You're a very smart man."
Starting to freak out, the guy screams to the waiter, "Hey what the heck, this bowl of chips keeps saying nice things to me!!"
Waiter says, "Don't worry about it, the tortilla chips are complimentary."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If there's three people, it's usually a t**.... If there's two people, it's called a twosome. And if a guy is single?
He's usually called handsome.
What do you call a bunch of devilishly handsome gay guys?
Succubi
I've been told I'm handsome
by my imaginary girlfriend
Did you know I am part of the 1% of
Rare, Beautiful, handsome and modest people!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If I had a dollar every time a woman called me handsome...
I would employ lots of woman whose sole job will be to call me handsome.
A British girl meets a guy...
And they hit it off immediately. The girl goes to her dad the next day to tell him about it.
"Oh, dad, he's just the sweetest! He loves dancing and photography, he's great with kids, and he volunteers at an animal shelter. He's funny, handsome, a great listener, oh! and he's a goalie for a local football team. Oh dad, what do you think?"
Her dad looked at her with an odd expression and said "Oh honey...
... *he's a keeper*"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"Why does that guy always get all the women?"
"I don't know...he isn't very handsome or rich"
"And he's a terrible conversationalist - all he does is sit there l**... his eyebrows"
I was born handsome, charming witty and wise
I'm also a compulsive liar, but I think it evens out.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If two people having s**... is called a twosome.....
Then now i know why they call you handsome ;)
I saw the most handsome guy
in the mirror.
There's a movie called beauty and the beast.
Imagine if roles were reversed and it was handsome and the feminist.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If it requires three people to do a t**... then...
That's why people tell me I'm handsome...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was stopped by a Korean p**... in the park last night. She smiled and said, "I'll eat you for breakfast, you handsome thing."
I still don't know whether she was talking to me or my dog.
Tortilla chips
So, a guy walks into a mexican restaurant and takes a seat. Before he gets to order a his food, the bowl of tortilla chips in front of him says "Hey, you're a handsome fellow."
The man tries to ignore the chips and orders a soda. The chips says "Ooooh that drink is delicious. Great choice. You're a very smart man."
Starting to freak out, the guy says to the waiter "Hey what the heck, this bowl of chips keeps saying nice things to me!" Waiter says "Don't worry about it, the tortilla chips are complimentary."
Last night I went to a trendy new bar and was approached by a beautiful young lady who said "Hey there handsome, do you come here often?"
to which I replied "no, I usually come at home, but I am open to new experiences". These English lessons are finally paying off.
A man walks into a bar...
He sits down and asks the bartender for a drink. As he takes a sip he hears a voice say, "Hey there, you're looking rather handsome today!"
He looks around but can't find the person who made the comment. So he turns to the bartender and asks, "Who said that?"
The bartender said, "The peanuts. They're complimentary."
There's a huge stigma attached to me because I'm tall and handsome.
People instantly assume that I'm pompous.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An army captain approaches a p**... and asks her, "Would you enjoy my company for $100?"...
She looks at the handsome military officer and says, "Of course, I would be glad!"
Captain replies, "COMPANY! FORWARD!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Having s**... with four people is called a f**..., having s**... with three people is called a t**...
Now I know why people call me handsome
What do they call a handsome chess player in China?
A good rooking dude
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Handsome
A t**... is 3 people having s**..., a twosome is 2 people having s**..., so why do they call men handsome?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An old lady was cleaning an ancient lamp in her attic
And then p**... , a genie appeared and asked if he can grant 3 wishes for her .
The old lady said
- I want to be young and beautiful again
- I want to very rich
- my cat should become a handsome prince
p**... the next moment she is young , sitting in her palace and her cat now transformed into a prince started crying ..
She asked what happened ?
Cat : I guess you forgot the time you had me neutered !!
Why would no fruit wanna date the handsome wholegrain bread?
Because they are in constant knead of some dough.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If s**... with three people is called a t**... and s**... with two people is called a twosome, what is s**... with one person called?
Handsome.
( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
I called my friend handsome.........
She didn't appreciate the compliment.
What does winning the lottery and getting a girlfriend have in common?
A handsome cashier tore up my chances.
Girlfriend broke up with me for being handsome with long hair...
On her way out she says, you're always lion . All I could do was nod in agreement.
I think I'm a little crazy, but I also think I must be devilishly handsome
Because everywhere I go people ask to see my nuts.
This handsome photographer was about to take a photograph of two elderly women.
He yells out, "Focus."
They reply, "Bofus?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a handsome t**... who hangs around liquor joints chatting up girls?
A dirty bar stud.
A beautiful princess kisses a frog
The frog turns into a handsome prince.
The handsome prince kisses the beautiful princess.
She turns into a delicious beer!
Two married ladies go for a girly holiday to the Carribbean
They meet a handsome muscular black man on the first day.
They have a wild week of threesomes and parties, and on the last day the ladies say we never asked you your name.
He replies "my name is snow"
The ladies immediately burst out laughing.
The man looking rather upset asks why they are laughing.
And the ladies say "I don't think our husbands will believe that we got 10 inches of snow in the Caribbean.
