Hands Jokes
161 hands jokes and hilarious hands puns to laugh out loud. Read human body jokes about hands that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
From funny jokes about having small hands, to jokes about having no hands, catch these hands jokes that are sure to make you smile! From comparing baby hands to adult palms, to the significance of holding hands, to the importance of washing hands, these jokes will have you laughing out loud and reflecting on the importance of hands, big and small.
Quick Jump To
- Short Hands Jokes
- Hands One Liners
- Hold Hands Jokes
- Holding Hands Jokes
- Washing Hands Jokes
- Wash Hands Jokes
- Big Hands Jokes
- More Hands Jokes
Funniest Hands Short Jokes
Short hands jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The hands humour may include short arms jokes also.
- As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said Y'know, one would have been enough.
- If any of you here are thinking of getting married, consider the following before you do. On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring.
On the other hand, you don't. - Doctor: (handing me my new born baby) I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it Me: (handing baby back to him) Bring me the one my wife made
- It is really unfortunate that Islam, Christianity, and Judaism have been fighting each other for centuries. Hindus, on the other hand, never had any beef.
- I live in Pripyat and I just finished watching Chernobyl And I gotta say I counted 17 inaccuracies on my right hand alone.
- I went into a pet shop and asked for twelve bees. The shopkeeper counted out thirteen and handed them over. You've given me one too many.
That one is a freebie. - I went to the pet shop and asked for 12 bees The clerk counted out 13 bees and handed them over.
You've given me one too many I said.
That one is a freebie - The nurse hands a man his newborn and says "I'm sorry, but your wife didn't make it." He responds "well give me the one my wife made."
- I accidentally swallowed a handful of scrabble tiles... My next bowel movement could spell disaster.
- I've decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because the weights are too heavy. I just handed in my too weak notice.
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Hands One Liners
Which hands one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with hands? I can suggest the ones about thumb and gesture.
- I can count on one hand how many time I have been to Chernobyl. It's 14.
- 6:30 is the best time on a clock hands down
- You know what has 8 legs 8 hands and 8 eyes? 8 Pirates
- Why can't dinosaurs clap their hands? Cause they're dead.
- "No thanks. I am a vegetarian." is a fun thing to say when someone hands you a baby.
- I can count the number of times I've been to Chernobyl on one hand It's seven
- If you're single and you know it Use your hands
- I broke my finger today... But on the other hand I am completely fine.
- What has five fingers and isn't your hand? My hand.
- It's so cold outside I saw a politican with his hands in his own pockets.
- My friend handed me a peach. I told him I prefer pears. So he handed me another one.
- 6.30 is the best time Hands down.
- A wife is like a hand grenade... remove the ring and your house is gone!
- I steal candy bars using slight of hand... You could say I have a few Twix up my sleeve
- What's the worst thing to feel during a prostate exam? 2 hands on your shoulders
Hold Hands Jokes
Here is a list of funny hold hands jokes and even better hold hands puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I got arrested the other day for holding a little girl's hand They wanted to know where the rest of her body was
- Magician: I can make anything disappear! Tom: (holding up a cup) Really? Make my tea disappear.
Magician: (waves hand) Done!
om: (looks in cup) It didn't work. - To whoever has my voodoo doll, please hold its hand.
- My grandfather was the type of person who never threw anything away He died in World War II holding on to a hand grenade
- Who is the most popular guy at a nudist colony? The guy that can hold a cup of coffee in each hand and 6 donuts
- When my girlfriend complains about how bad her day was I like to hold her hands Because shes deaf
- When you see a deaf couple holding hands, maybe it's not romantic. Maybe they just want each other to shut up.
- Criminal on the electric chair. The officer ask: Any last wishes? The criminal: Please hold my hand...
- What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus? I want to hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand.....
- My grandad never used to like throwing things away He died in WW2 holding onto a hand grenade
Holding Hands Jokes
Here is a list of funny holding hands jokes and even better holding hands puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What would Sir Paul McCartney sing to an octopus? I wanna hold your hand hand hand hand hand hand hand hand.
- What do you get when you hold a mothball in your left hand and a mothball in your right hand? A rather excited moth
- Why did the man with no hands get kicked out of the bar? Couldn't hold his liquor.
- What do you call a baker holding a bag of sugar in both hands? Ambidextrose.
- A hunter takes two monkeys to a taxidermist… The taxidermist asks Do you want these mounted?
The hunter responds No, holding hands would be just fine - Hand holding: You know why men hold their wife's/ girlfriend's hand in shopping malls?
Because if he doesn't , she will shop. - I like to hold hands at the movies. Which always seems to startle strangers.
- The ladies confuse me. On one hand they want me to be courteous. But they always frown when I hold the revolving door for them.
- A woman wants her two dead pet cats taxidermied. "Would you like them mounted?" the taxidermist says.
the woman replies
"no, just holding hands" - I heard Trump's staff holds up a big applause sign during his speeches... He wants everyone to give him a big hand.
Washing Hands Jokes
Here is a list of funny washing hands jokes and even better washing hands puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Lol plague inc easy mode is so unrealistic Like who wouldn't wash their hands and wear a mask during a global pandemic.
- My dad come up to my room, and handed me my soaking wet wallet, after accidentally leaving it in my jeans as they went through the wash. "Son, you're going to have to stop money laundering."
- How can you tell the difference between a biologist and a chemist in the bathroom? A biologist washes his hands after peeing, a chemist washes his hands before.
- Experts say Donald Trump been setting an outstanding example during the Covid-19 outbreak 28 consecutive press briefings spent washing his hands
- What did Hellen Kellers mother do when Hellen said a bad word? She washed her hands with soap
- There was a deaf mute who said so many dirty words that his mother had to wash his hands with soap.
- The sign said Employees must wash hands But I waited a long time and no employees showed up so eventually I washed my own hands.
- In the 80's we used to think in 2020 we'll have flying cars cities on other planets, blah blah blah.... But No! Here we are, teaching people how to wash hands !!!
- Raccoons are the animal of 2020 They always wash their hands and wear a mask
- You don't actually wash your hands... They wash each other while you just stand there staring like a creep.
Wash Hands Jokes
Here is a list of funny wash hands jokes and even better wash hands puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- [washing hands after delivering a baby] That thing really didn't want to fit in the mail box.
- How can you spot a Chemist in the bathroom? They wash their hands
before they use the toilet. - I hate people who don't wash their hands They make me sick
- What is the difference between blue collars and white collars? Blue collars wash their hands BEFORE going to toilet, and white collars - afterwards.
- How do you wash your hands on christmas? With Santatizer!
- How do elves wash their hands? With Santa-tiser.
Credit to Greencross Vets in Port Macquarie - What are some good 'your sister jokes'? Ones like: what's the difference between dinner and your sister? I wash my hands before eating dinner.
- I was washing my hands in a public bathroom yesterday and someone stole my mood ring I don't know how I feel about it...
- What did the soap say to the hands as they were being washed? "I think we're in sink."
- I was hand washing my clothes the other day... Got a little dizzy during the spin cycle.
Big Hands Jokes
Here is a list of funny big hands jokes and even better big hands puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I just quit my job at the gym because I wasn't big or strong enough I've handed in my too weak notice
- When is bedtime at Michael Jackson's house? When the big hand touches the little hand.
- I sure hope Roy Moore wins today Alabama needs a congressman who isn't afraid to get his hands on the issues before they get too big.
- Classic. Q: If you have 13 apples in one hand and 10 oranges in the other, what do you have?
A: Big hands. - My sons joke - if you've a cricket ball in one hand, and a cricket ball in the other hand. What have you got? A big cricket.
- I said "My, what big eyes you have!" Followed by "My, what big hands you have!"
And then "My what big teeth you have!"
My charity gig for children with disabilities did not start out well. - I shot a bullet into the air and it hit my hand. On one hand I'm really happy that it didn't hit my head and kill me, but on the other hand I have a big gaping hole now.
- I made a clock. The big hand is a butcher's knife, the small hand is a paring knife, and the clock face is a sharpening stone. There's never a dull moment.
- You know what they say. Big hands, big feet... Two outta three ain't bad!
- A psychic goes into a store. The shop employee hands her a sweater in size large, and she says it's too big. The employee asks how she knows without trying it on. The psychic replies, I'm a medium.
Hilarious Fun Hands Jokes to Bring Joy & Laughter with Friends
What funny jokes about hands you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean handle jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make hands pranks.
h**...
A man stands in front of a food truck and reads the menu:
"Cheeseburgers: $5
Fries: $3
h**...: $10."
He walks up to the window and asks the beautiful blonde working behind the counter, "Are you the one that gives the h**...?"
"Yes, I am," she replies seductively.
"Well, wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."
I got a phone call from my son's school today
Hello, is that Mr Jenkins?
Yes, how can I help you?
Hi, This is little Billy's music teacher calling
Oh, hi
Yeah, hi. I just wanted to let you know it looks like you have a little Elvis Presley on your hands!
Really? Wow! That's..
Yeah, we just found him dead on the toilet
Apparently as a 4-year old, h**... was saved from drowning in the river Passau by a local priest.
Goes to show once more that a lot of problems would be solved if priests could just keep their hands off kids.
What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?
GLOVES! Nah, just kidding... He still hasn't unwrapped his present.
Two guys are walking down a dark alley
when a mugger approaches them and demand their money.
They both grudgingly pull our their wallets and begin taking out their cash.
Just then, o**... turns to the other and hands him a bill. "Hey, here's that twenty dollars I owe you."
In the divorce court today
In the divorce court today an 85-year old farmer divorced his 17-year old wife, claiming he could not keep his hands off her.
He has since fired all of his hands and bought a combine harvester.
My wife shouted upstairs, "the sun's just come out."
My wife shouted upstairs, "the sun's just come out." I thought great, threw on some shorts and flip flops and shot down the stairs. I was rather shocked when I got down to find our lad holding hands with his mate Michael.
A preacher is reaching....
...the end of his sermon. He tells the congregation "Now for next week, I need everyone to read Leviticus chapter 28. It ties into my sermon" A week passes. The preacher reached the pulpit and asked "How many of you read Leviticus chapter 28?" Everyone raised their hands. The preacher looked and said "Ladies and gentlemen, there is no 28th chapter to Leviticus. Now let me start my sermon on lying."
An old couple gets pulled over and...
Lady cop - "May I see you license and registration sir?"
Old man - "ugh, what did she say?"
Old wife - "She needs to see you license and registration dear."
**The old man hands it to the lady cop and...**
Lady cop - "Oh, I see you are from New York. I used to have a lover from New York, he was the worst lover I ever had."
Old man - "ugh, what did she say?"
Old wife - "Nothing dear, She thinks she used to know you."
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar
The first one orders a beer, the second one orders a half a beer, the third orders a quarter of a beer, and this trend continues on for some time. After a while, the bartender gets fed up and hands them 2 beers, shakes his head and says, "You mathematicians just don't know your limits."
A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads...
A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads:
Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
h**...: $10.00
He checks his wallet and beckons to the s**... bartender.
"Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" he asks.
"Yes," she purrs. "I am."
"Well, wash your hands," says the man. "I want a chicken sandwich!"
Does it hurt anymore?
A woman playing Golf hit a man nearby. He put his hands together between his legs. Fell on the ground & rolled around in pain. She rushed to him & offered to relieve his pain as she was a Doctor.
Reluctantly he agreed.
She gently took his hands away. Unzipped his pants & put her hands inside.
She massaged him tenderly for a few minutes & asked: "How does it feel?"
He replied: "Feels great but I still think my thumb is broken"
What do Spiderman and I have in common?
We both end up with sticky hands after using the web.
My 4 year old son just got me with a dad joke I hadn't heard before.
My son was playing with his teenage mutant ninja turtle action figures, and was making them fight each other.
Me: "Where are their weapons? Are they just fighting with their bare hands?"
Son: "No, they are fighting with their turtle hands."
Doesn't have a clue why I was laughing so hard.
A woman goes into a pharmacy
She says to the pharmacist, "I'd like a poison that will kill my husband but make it look like he died of natural causes."
The pharmacist says, "Ma'am, not only can I not do that for you, I'm going to call the police and report you."
The woman takes out something out of her pocket and hands it to him. It's a picture of her husband having s**... with the Pharmacist's wife.
"Oh, you should have told me you had a prescription."
What's the difference between a deaf person and an Italian?
One talks with their hands and makes goofy noises at random volumes, and the other can't hear.
A boy asks his dad a question
A boy asks his dad "Why do they say gardeners have green thumbs,when their thumbs are not green?"
The dad replies,"It's just a saying son,It's like when somebody is caught stealing,they say they have been caught 'red handed',even though their hands is black."
A teacher asks her 2nd grade class...
"Who's a Trump fan?"
Not wanting to look s**... for not knowing what that meant, they all raised their hands except for Johnny.
"And why aren't you a Trump fan?" she asked, used to Johnny always trying to be different.
"Because I'm a Sanders fan" he replied.
"And why are you a Sanders fan?"
"Because mommy and daddy are"
"And if mommy and daddy were idiots, what would that make you?" she asked
"A Trump fan"
Bill Clinton says "Hey Monica, you want to see the clock in the Oval Office?.......
She says "sure"... and goes in there. Bill Clinton unzips his pants and pulls out his little Billy.
Monica says "That's not a clock".
To which Bill replies "It is if you put two hands and a face on it".
My grandma caught me m**... and she had a s**......
She has such soft hands...
A woman is at the park with her son when he starts misbehaving.
She looks at him sternly and says "If you don't stop before I count to 3, we're going home!"
1...
2...
2 and a half...
2 and three quarters...
2 and five sevenths...
Just then a man taps her on the shoulder and hands her his business card. Hi I work for Gabe Newell, co-founder of Valve, and we're looking for a new Vice President. I think you're just what we're looking for. Call me on Monday and we'll talk.
Why do bald men cut holes in their pockets?
So they can run their hands through their hair.
"Dmytry! I take my hat off to you!"
"You and Sarah have been married for 50 years, whenever I see you walking around town you are still holding hands!
Well." Dmytry began
"If I let her go she will surely buy something!"
Translated from Russian, sorry if I made mistakes.
My wife asked me: "Shall we go bowling or stay cozy home."
I replied: " I am sick of putting my fingers in holes that everyone has touched with their sweaty hands. Let's go bowling!"
They say being a hostage is hard
But I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
As I was approaching my driveway, I saw a b**... man running away with a TV in his hands and I wondered if it was mine.
Upon entering my house, I was relieved to see that mine was at home polishing my shoes.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar...
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one walks up and orders a beer, the second orders half a beer, the third one wants 1/4 of a beer, and the next wants just 1/8th. The bartender sees where this is going, and stops them before anyone else can order.
The bartender pours two beers, hands them over, and says "You guys should really know your limits".
Blonde gets caught speeding.
The cop is also a blonde.
Cop: Let me see your driver's license.
Driver: What's that?
Cop: A square thing with your picture on it.
Blonde fumbles through her purse, finds a mirror, sees herself in it, and hands it to the cop.
Cop looks at it, hands it back and says,
I'm gonna let you go without a ticket. I didn't know you were a cop.
(
My wife walked in on me...
My wife walked in on me m**... to an optical illusion. I threw my hands up and said, "Honey, it's not what it looks like!"
A Buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor and says: 'Make me one with everything'....
After a brief chuckle at the monks joke the vendor hands him his hot dog with everything and says 'That'll be $4 please'.
The monk hands over a $10 bill and waits whilst the vendor just stares back at him....
Awkwardly the monk ask's 'What about my change'?.
'Ah' replies the hot dog vendor, 'Change must come from within'.
Horrible joke
So a guy is in a bar when the woman across from him sneezes and her glass eye flies out. The man catches it and hands it back to the woman. The woman says "thanks" and then offers to buy him a drink.
The woman then offers to drive him home. On the way to his house, the man asks "Are you always this nice to men that you meet?" and she says "No, you just happened to catch my eye"
When I meet a girl for the first time I shake hands with my left.
I don't want to intimidate her with the competition right away
A woman gets up in the morning
wakes up her husband and says:
- Honey, I had a wonderful dream. I dreamed you gave me a diamond necklace for my birthday. What does it mean?
The husband answers:
- You'll know it on your birthday.
The wife's birthday arrives and the husband enters the house with a package in his hand. The woman, excited, takes it from her hands, tears the paper nervously, quickly opens the box and finds a book titled: "The meaning of dreams."
A doctor hands a man his newborn baby and says "I'm sorry, but your wife didn't make it."
The man hands the baby back and responds, "Well, bring me the one my wife made."
A doctor hands a new father his newborn baby and says, "I'm sorry, your wife didn't make it..."
The father says, "then hand me the one that my wife made!"
It was so cold in D.C. today...
that I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.
Why can't a T-Rex clap it's hands?
Because they are extinct.
Wife: "I have blisters on my hands from the broom."
Husband: (trying to be playful) "Next time take the car, silly."
A woman gets home from work and hears her husband call out from the bedroom...
Husband: can you come here and help me with this clock?
The woman walks in the room and sees her husband sitting at the edge of their bed with a r**... hard-on
Wife: thats not a clock
Husband: it will be when you put two hands and a face on it.
A boy says to his dad, "Why do they say gardeners have got green fingers when their fingers aren't green?"
His dad replies, "It's just a saying, son. It's like when someone is caught stealing something, they say that they've been caught red-handed', even though their hands are actually black."
A kid in school hands in a blank piece of paper for his art homework.
The teacher says, "What's this?"
The kid says, "A picture of a cow eating grass."
The teacher asks, "Where's the grass?"
The kid says, "The cow ate it all."
"Ok, then where's the cow?"
"It left because there was no more grass."
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first says, "I'll have a beer." The second says, "I'll have half a beer." The third says, "I'll have a quarter of a beer." And so on.
The bartender hands them two glasses of beer and says, "You guys need to know your limits."
1 and 2 went out for a walk in the snow.
1's hands got so cold that they went numb.
2's hands and feet both got cold, so he was even number.
The last time my wife and I had a fight it ended up with her literally crawling to me on her hands and knees.
She said "Get out from under that bed and fight like a man!"
A Buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor and says Make me one with everything .
The hot dog vendor hands over the sausage and bun with all the trimmings, and the Buddhist hands over a twenty. The vendor pockets it.
The Buddhist asks Where's my change? and the vendor replies change must come from within .
A gun then extends from the Buddhist's chest and he asks again.
The vendor says Whoa, man, where did that come from?
The Buddhist replies This is my inner piece .
I was with a deaf girl who knew sign language, we were watching that movie where Johnny Depp has blades for fingers. I couldn't remember what that character was called so I sign to her, What's that character's name?
Edward, says her hands.
Anthony Fauci is giving the President his daily briefing.
He concludes by saying: ''Yesterday, 300 Brazilians died of COVID.'' ''Oh no!'' President Trump exclaims. ''That's terrible!'' His staff are stunned at this uncharacteristic display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands. Finally, Trump looks up and asks: ''How many is a brazillion?''
A woman placed an ad in a news paper. 'I am looking for a male partner who needs to meet these three requirements.
1. He shouldn't beat me.
2. He shouldn't leave me.
Third and most important.
3. He should be great in bed.
One week later, her door bell rang, and she opened the door to find a man.
The man said, "Hi, I'm Peter. I don't have hands, so I can't beat you. I don't have legs so I can't leave you. I think I'm the guy."
The lady in an angry voice asked him back, "How the h**... are you supposed to be great in bed then? Didn't you read the third requirement?"
I think You're mistaken my lady.
Peter replied, "I rang the doorbell. Didn't I?"
A young couple get married and have their first night together in their new home.
As they are u**... for bed, the husband hands the wife his pants.
"Here, try these on," he says.
"What? Why?" she says.
"Just put them on," he insists.
"They're way too big," she says. "I can't wear those."
"That's right," he says. "I wear the pants in this marriage. Don't you forget it."
"Got it," she says, slipping off her p**... and handing them to him. "Here, try these on."
He holds them up and sees how tiny they are.
"Are you kidding?" he says. "I can't get into your p**...!"
"That's right. And that's the way it's going to stay until your attitude changes."
A woman was caught with drugs in her hand by a cop while in the bathroom of a nightclub
The woman swears that the drugs are not hers and promises that, "They aren't mine - I found them here and I tried to flush them down the toilet. However, every single time I flush the drugs down the drain they just keep re-appearing magically in my hands or my pockets!"
The cop, obviously in disbelief, tells the woman, "Show me."
So the woman tosses the bag of drugs into the toilet, then flushes it. The bag swishes down. The cop then stares at the woman's empty hand as the bag is flushed down.
"Well," says the cop, "where are the drugs now?"
"What drugs?"
What is something with 8 eyes, 8 legs, and 8 hands?
8 pirates
My little brother told me this joke and I am so proud of him.
A man walks into an Indian restaurant.
The waiter asks, have you ever ordered here before?
The man replies, No, I haven't.
The waiter continues, We're a little different here. Before you order, I need you read and sign this form, and he hands a piece of paper to the man.
The man squints at the paper and reads the single sentence, We have naan at this restaurant. The man looked up, puzzled, and asked why he needed to sign this worthless statement.
The waiter replied, impatiently, Just sign the naan disclosure agreement and we can move on.
An African man visits his friend in the US
I just flew in yesterday the African man says And boy are my arms tired!
You know, that's kind of an old joke here in America replied his friend.
Joke? The African man said. I've been holding my hands in the air yelling 'don't shoot' ever since I got to this d**... country .
A woman playing Golf hit a man nearby.
A woman playing Golf hit a man nearby. He put his hands together between his legs, fell on the ground & rolled around in pain.
She rushed to him & offered to relieve his pain as she was a Doctor. Reluctantly he agreed. She gently took his hands away. Unzipped his pants & put her hands inside. She massaged him tenderly for a few minutes & asked: "How does it feel?"
He replied: "Feels great, but I still think my thumb is broken"
A blond cop pulls over a blond and asks for her drivers license.
.
The blond starts looking through her car then asks, "Uhh, what are they again?"
The blond cop replies, "Ugh. It's the thing in your purse with your picture on it."
"Oh yeah," says the blond who reaches in her purse, pulls out a compact mirror, and hands it over.
The blond cop opens it, takes a look inside, hands it back, and says, "I'm sorry ma'am. If I knew you were a cop, I wouldn't have pulled you over."
I'm not thrilled my wife is into b**...
but my hands are tied
A Russian citizen is crossing the border into Ukraine and hands his passport to the customs officer.
The customs officer asks: "Name?"
The Russian replies: "Vladimir Krylov"
The customs officer continues: "Occupation?"
The Russian replies: "Not yet, just visiting."
Are you Blonde?
A blond cop pulls over a blond and asks for her drivers license. The blond starts looking through her car then asks, "Uhh, what are they again?"
The blond cop replies, "Ugh. It's the thing in your purse with your picture on it." "Oh yeah," says the blond who reaches in her purse, pulls out a compact mirror, and hands it over. The blond cop opens it, takes a look inside, hands it back, and says, "I'm sorry ma'am. If I knew you were a cop, I wouldn't have pulled you over."
Heisenberg, Schroedinger and Ohm are in a car...
Heisenberg, Schroedinger and Ohm are in a
car...
... And they get pulled over. Heisenberg is driving and the cop asks him "Do you know how fast you were going?"
"No, but I know exactly where I am" Heisenberg replies.
The cop says "You were doing 55 in a 35." Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts "Great! Now I'm lost!"
The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop open the trunk. He checks it out and says "Do you know you have a dead cat back here?"
"We do now, a**...!" shouts Schroedinger.
The cop moves to arrest them.
Ohm resists.
A Proctology exam.
A man is sitting over the counter with his pants down at the doctors office.
The doctor comes in and sits down and starts working the gloves onto his hands.
Alright Brian, it's your first proctology exam, just sit back, relax, and try not to get an e**... the doctor says.
The patient awkwardly looks back and says but my names Dan.
Doctor responds oh I know, my names Brian.
Tomorrow I'm having skin grafted from my b**... onto my hand and I cope with humor. Make me laugh.
I'm going to have to ask my girlfriend if she wants to try b**... stuff just so we can hold hands.
The surgeon's going to hand my a**... to me.
If I high five someone did they technically s**... my a**...?
My next door neighbour just knocked on my door with her dinner in her hands.
With Facebook and Instagram down she wanted me to see what she was having
I can guess what people do for a living just by looking at their hands.
I mean, I'm usually wrong. But, I can guess.
A man dies and arrives at Heaven
As he's standing at the Pearly Gates, he notices a huge wall of clocks behind St Peter.
He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St Peter replied, "Those are lie clocks, every time someone tells a lie, the hands on their clock move."
"Oh! Whose clock is that?" He says pointing.
"That's Mother Theresa's clock, it's hands have never moved."
"Wow! And whose clock is that?"
"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock, it's hands have only moved twice."
The man asks, "Where is Boris Johnson's clock?"
St Peter replies, "We're using it as a ceiling fan"
A Buddhist walks up to a hotdog stand and says to the vendor...
"Make me one with everything."
So the hotdog vendor makes him a hotdog with every topping, and the Buddhist hands him a twenty. He proceeds to eat the hotdog, but gets no change for his twenty dollar bill. He says, "Hey, where's my change?"
The hotdog vendor replies, "Change comes only from within."
(Courtesy of my fifty year old husband, who cant go five hecking minutes without making a dad joke)
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and e**... vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
My 2 year old told his first joke.
We were walking down to the car and he put his hands in his pockets. He says oh mummy what's that in my pocket.
I dont know sweetheart let's see what it is
Pulls out his hands and shouts 'my hands' and does jazz hands and kills himself laughing.
He takes after his dad. His smile and laughter made my day.
A lawyer, an environmentalist and a teacher were going the bathroom.
The lawyer gets done, washes his hands and uses the entire roll of tissue paper to wipe his hands. "I was taught to be thorough.", he said.
The environmentalist washes his hands and uses his own kerchief to wipe his hands. "I was taught to be environment friendly.", he said.
The teacher walks out without washing his hands. "I was taught not to p**... on my hands.", he says.
"Make me one with everything," says the Buddhist to the tofu hot dog vendor.
Then, after getting his tofu hot dog, the Buddhist hands the vendor a $20 bill.
The vendor takes the money and begins helping the next customer.
The Buddhist looks puzzled and asks the vendor, "Where is my change?"
The vendor replies, "Change comes from within."
I went on a date with an Italian.
We had a great conversation until we held hands, then she was speechless.
A blond cop pulls over a blond and asks for identification.
The blond asks, What's that?
The blond cop replies, It's the thing in your purse with your picture on it.
The blond reaches into her purse, pulls out her compact mirror, and hands it over.
The blond cop opens it, takes a look, and says, I'm sorry mam. If I knew you were an officer, I wouldn't have pulled you over.
A boy asked his mom "Mom, What is dark humor?"
The mom said to the boy "See that man with no hands? Tell him to clap."
The boy then said to his mom "But mom, you know I'm blind!"
