handle Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious handle puns

How many shots can an Irish man handle?

about 10 rounds.


Im going to nickname my penis 'The Truth'...

...Because you want the truth, but you can't handle the truth, and sometimes the truth hurts.


Joseph decides it's time to tell Jesus the truth....

Since Jesus is a teenager, Joseph thinks he can handle it. He tells Jesus that he's not really his father, in a technical sense.

Jesus is incredulous. He can't believe it. He asks who his father really is.

Joseph explains to Jesus that he's the son of god. Jesus can't even comprehend this. He can only manage to stammer out "No way"

Joseph looks at him and says "Yahweh..."


What did the handless boy get for Christmas?


Just kidding, he's still trying to open his present.


I thought I heard one of the kids opening the furnace earlier

Then I remembered the handle was on the outside.


Why Did The Alcoholic Comedian Quit Performing?

He couldn't handle the boos.


If you can't handle me at my worst...

Then good for you; I commend and respect you for setting healthy boundaries.


My wife's pregnant

90yr man: My 18yr wife is pregnant,your opinion doc?

Dr: Let me tell you a story. A hunter in a hurry, grabs an umbrela instead of the gun. He moves into the jungle, and sees a lion, lifts the umbrela, pulls the handle and BANG, The lion drops dead!

Old man: That's is impossible, sumone else must have shot the lion!



My wife said she was leaving me today because he couldn't handle my OCD any more…

I said, "Close the door 5 times on your way out."


Why can't a feminist shoot a gun?

They can't handle the triggers.


I like my women like my computers

At least old enough to handle my 3 1/2-inch floppy.


[NSFW] As I was about to drop my pants, she whispered in my ear "I can handle anything you can give me"...

Apparently she can't handle disappointment.


Why can't people in wheelchairs be looked at for too long?

The can't handle stares.


Why did the ghost barf all over his date?

He couldn't handle his boos.


I was in bed with my wife....

........and was having a terrible headache. I said Go and get me something for this headache, its terrible . She went downstairs and I was lying there and she started poking me in the back with a broom handle? I said What the hell you doing woman ? She said Well its what you do when I'm in bed and say I've got a headache


How did the prostitute get a job at the zoo?

They heard she could handle a cockatoo.


The carpenter came home one day...

A carpenter came home one day only to discover his wife in bed with another man.

In a total rage, he dragged the naked man down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vice.

He then secured it tightly and removed the handle.
Next he picked up a hacksaw.

The terrified man, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off are you?"

The man, with a gleam of revenge in his eye, said, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."


My ex girlfriend wasn't able to handle my OCD

I told her to close the door five times on her way out.


A group of people asked me to make a joke about barometers

but I couldn't handle the pressure


I handle important transactions for a large multinational company ...

... is what a tell my Mum instead of saying I work at McDonald's.


Today just wasn't my day.

I got up this morning, put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. Finally leave the house for work and the doorknob comes loose and just breaks off.

I'm afraid to go to the bathroom..

*[as told by Rodney Dangerfield]*


My husband cheated

I caught my husband cheating. I'm not going to lie, I didn't handle it in the most mature way possible. I threw an iron at him and took quite a bit of money from him.

Then later we had a heart to heart and decided never to play Monopoly again. Lesson learned.


gorilla removal service

so women wakes up and walks out side to get her news paper (this is an old joke obviously) and she looks up in her tree and there is a gorilla, she freaks out runs inside and starts to think of what to do, so she picks up her phone book (really old joke) and starts going through the pages and sure enough in pest removal there is gorilla removal service. she calls the man tells her every

man: "i can handle this i'll be there in about 30 minutes"

she waits and then after awhile he shows up, he steps out the truck and he is a monster of a man, tall, broad, and hands like catchers mitts. he looks at the gorilla then begins to unpack his truck, he pulls out a cattle prod, a pair of handcuffs, a shotgun, and a chihuahua. the woman cant keep quiet anymore and asks

woman:"sir how do you plan to use this stuff to get the gorilla out of my tree?"

the man replies: "well see i'm going to climb up the tree with the cattle prod and shock the gorilla, its going to fall out the tree and this dog here is specially trained to go for the balls, when it does this the gorilla is going to cover itself and i'm just going to handcuff it and through it in my truck."

the woman nods: "well i can see that but what do you need the shotgun for?"

man: "if i fall out of that tree first you shoot that damn dog!"


So only 7 people survived the shipwreck

6 men and a woman ended up on a isolated island after surviving the shipwreck. Soon an agreement was made: each day of the week she'd have sex with one of the men.
Everything was going great, they were getting along, everybody was as happy as possible.
One day the woman dies.
After the first week things get a little strange, but they just hold on.
The second week goes by, bit they manage to keep things under control. After the third week one of them finally says:
- Well, that's it. I can't handle it anymore. There's nothing else to do. We're gonna have to bury her corpse...


A wife goes to consult a psychiatrist about her husband...

Wife: My husband is acting so weird. He drinks his morning coffee and then he goes and eats the mug! He only leaves the handle!

Psychiatrist: Yes, that is weird. The handle is the best part.



A football coach noticed that his star tackle, Bubba, had so many women hanging around that he couldn't possibly handle all of them. So one day he asked Bubba, "Just what the hell is your secret?"

So Bubba replies, "Well Coach, whenever I'm about to have sex, I always whip it out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. This numbs it and I can screw'em forever!"

The coach went home early one day, and went to the bedroom. He heard his wife in the shower. Seeing a window of opportunity, he jerked off his clothes and started banging it on the dresser.

His wife stuck her head out of the shower and asked, "Is that you, Bubba?"


The Gorilla and the Redneck

A small zoo in Georgia obtained a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became impossible to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the gorilla was in heat, and her aggressive behavior could only be relieved with sexual interaction with a male counterpart. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

After considering nearly all possible options, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Bobby Lee, a very strong physical man, had little sense but was always bragging about his honky tonk women. The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?

Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under four conditions:

"First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

"Second", he said, "you can't never tell no one about this, and I mean no one." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

"Third", Bobby Lee said, "In the event that there are offspring, I want all the children raised Southern Baptist." Once again it was agreed.

And last," Bobby Lee said, "I'm gonna need another week to come up with the $500.00."


Why some put angels as Christmas tree toppers.

One year, Santa procrastinated too much and had an hour to go over his naughty nice list.

He was in a cabin gaining some progress when he heard a knock on his door. "Santa, we need your help in the workshop!"

Frustrated, Santa yelled "I'm busy right now, handle it yourselves. I can't afford to be interrupted!" And slammed the door.

Not 15 minutes later another knock is heard and his agitation is climbing. He opens the door and yells "What?!"

It was Mrs. Claus and she said startled "I brought you some food."

His face tuning red, he says "I've got a half hour left to check this list, I can't be interrupted!" He then slammed the door on his wife. He then says "I swear, the next interruption I get I'll just lose it."

About 20 minutes passed when he heard a knock at the door. He stormed to the door with a burning hatred when he opened it. It was an angel holding a Christmas tree. "Hey Santa, where do you want the tree?"


I named my dick "The Truth"

Because bitches can't handle it.


So a man dies and finds himself in hell.

As he is sitting in the waiting lobby the devil walks up to him and they strike up a conversation.

"So what do you do here in Hell anyway?" says the man.

"Well do you like to smoke weed?" answers the devil

"Fuck yes!"

"You are gonna looove Mondays! We all gather together and smoke as much weed as we can handle!"

"What else?"

"Do you like to drink?" Asks the devil.

"Of course!"

"You are gonna loooove Tuesdays! We drink as much as we want with no risk of a hangover!"

"Awesome! Hell doesn't sound half bad!"

"and do you like to eat?" asked the devil.

"HELL YEAH!" replies the man.

"You are gonna loooooove Wednesdays! We always have a huge feast and you can eat all day without feeling sick!" says the devil.


"and are you a homosexual?"

"um.. no."

"you're gonna hate Thursdays."


Why don't they have driving classes and sex Ed on the same day in Saudi Arabia?

Because the camels can't handle it


Back in high school..

...I was a huge metal fan. In math class, I had an 8/10 girl next to me, she turns me on so much. I always try really hard to impress her, she's so hot. The teacher starts passing back last weeks test, and 8/10 looks at me, smiles, and starts playing with her hair. I can't handle it, I start spinning. The cute girl is completely staring now. I completely break down and stop spinning. She frowns, and I'm trying so hard to keep cool, but I had absolutely no power whatsoever. The teacher turns and plugs me back in, and I start spinning again. I was a metal fan in high school.


A man loses his arm in a terrible accident...

After a few months, the man (named Jerry) has become very depressed. He simply cannot handle life with his crippled body, so he decides to end it all. He goes up on top of a large building and prepares to jump. But, when Jerry looks down, he sees a man below who has no arms at all. More interestingly, this man is jumping around and dancing, just having the greatest time.

"hmmm" thinks Jerry, "how is it that i'm so sad with just one arm, yet the man with no arms is dancing with glee?"

So Jerry goes down to ask the man in person. He explains to the man his situation, and asks him: "What's your secret; how do you stay so happy that you can dance with joy even with no arms?"

The man says "my balls itch"


There's this fly buzzing around in a barn...

This fly is buzzing around a barn when he finds a huge pile of cow manure. "Yum!" says the fly and he buzzes down to it and gorges himself until he's so full that his wings can't carry him anymore.

"That's alright," thinks the fly, "If I get a little air first then I'll be able to fly no problem." So he finds a pitchfork leaning against the wall of the barn and climbs himself all the way to the top of it at the handle. With a heave he throws himself off the pitchfork, flaps his wings as hard as he can, but can't get any power and splats across the ground dead.

Moral: Never fly off the handle when you're full of shit.


Why didn't the drummer commit the crime?

He couldn't handle the repercussions.


What are the most funny Handle jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Handle? Well, here are the best Handle dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Handle pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes