The Best 66 Handle Jokes

Following is our collection of Handle jokes which are very funny. There are some handle vice jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud. Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these handle grasp puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

I like my women like I like my plastic wrap.

Clingy, easy to handle, and microwave and freezer tested.

from a movie...

so a man and and a woman are making love, when their young boy walks in. upon seeing his parents, he cries and runs to his room. the father says "i'll handle this". he walks to the boys room and finds little john on top of grandma, just giving her the business, going up and down, up and down. then the boys looks at his father and says, "its not so funny when its your mom, is it?"

I used to make jokes about people with butter fingers;

stopped 'cause they couldn't handle it.

Today just wasn't my day.

I got up this morning, put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. Finally leave the house for work and the doorknob comes loose and just breaks off.

I'm afraid to go to the bathroom..

The locked car...

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!" His reply: "I know. I already got that side."

Why don't they teach sex-ed and drivers-Ed on the same day in the Middle East?

Because the camels can't handle it.

Why don't they have driving classes and sex Ed on the same day in Saudi Arabia?

Because the camels can't handle it

I want to handle the topic of traditional homosexual polygamy

Just like my four fathers did

Why does LeBron James wear high socks?

His Cavs can't handle the Heat

I am really proud of my self this morning..

Last night I went out with my colleagues for New Year party.
After drinking a tad too many than I could handle, I made a sensible decision to leave car at the pub and take the bus home.

I am really proud of my self this morning, I had never driven a bus before!

A group of people asked me to make a joke about barometers

but I couldn't handle the pressure

Top Handle Puns and Funny Jokes

You can explore handle knob reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean handle hacksaw dad jokes. There are also handle puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

Why didn't the drummer commit the crime?

He couldn't handle the repercussions.

A: What do you do for a living? B: I handle transactions for a multi-billion dollar company.

A: How much do you make?

B: $18,000

A: An hour?

B No, per year.

A: I thought you said you handled transactions for a multi-billion dollar company?

B: I DO! I'm a cashier at McDonalds.

My ex girlfriend wasn't able to handle my OCD

I told her to close the door five times on her way out.

My door was not working

I couldn't handle it

How did the prostitute get a job at the zoo?

They heard she could handle a cockatoo.

Why can't a feminist shoot a gun?

They can't handle the triggers.

I recently quit my job as a scuba diving instructor

I couldn't handle the pressure.

Why didn't JFK ever like vodka?

Because he couldn't handle a few shots

Why can't people in wheelchairs be looked at for too long?

The can't handle stares.

I was about to tell a hilarious joke about chemistry..

..but last time I did, I couldn't handle the reactions.

What did the bacon say to the sandwich?

This club can't even handle me right now

Why Did The Alcoholic Comedian Quit Performing?

He couldn't handle the boos.

I thought about going vegetarian

but I knew I could not handle a missed steak like that.

A man is walking by a mental hospital and hears chanting.

A man is walking by a mental hospital and hears chanting from over the fence. He stops to listen and hears that they are saying "Five! Five! Five! Five!"

His curiosity peaked, he walks until he sees a hole in the fence. He puts his eye up to the hole to try to see what's going on, when he's poked in the eye by a broom handle! Angry and in pain, he starts to walk away and hears that the chanting is now, "Six! Six! Six! Six!"

I thought I heard one of the kids opening the furnace earlier

Then I remembered the handle was on the outside.

Why did the alcoholic quit his acting career when the audience jeered at him?

He couldn't handle his boos.

If you can't handle me at my worst...

Then good for you; I commend and respect you for setting healthy boundaries.

There's a woman who gets dropped off at my building for work every day by the husband.

And every day the husband will come out and go to the passenger side to open the car door for her.

Seeing so much love from the husband I decided to ask her whether this has always been the way.
She replied no, it only started two years ago.

I asked "What made him change?"

The woman replied "Change? the inside door handle stopped working two years ago. He didn't want to change it."

My wife said she was leaving me today because he couldn't handle my OCD any more…

I said, "Close the door 5 times on your way out."

Why did the paranoid man take the elevator?

He couldn't handle the stares...

If you can't handle me at my worst

That makes two of us

What did the handless boy get for Christmas?


Just kidding, he's still trying to open his present.

A wife goes to consult a psychiatrist about her husband...

Wife: My husband is acting so weird. He drinks his morning coffee and then he goes and eats the mug! He only leaves the handle!

Psychiatrist: Yes, that is weird. The handle is the best part.

My wife's pregnant

90yr man: My 18yr wife is pregnant,your opinion doc?

Dr: Let me tell you a story. A hunter in a hurry, grabs an umbrela instead of the gun. He moves into the jungle, and sees a lion, lifts the umbrela, pulls the handle and BANG, The lion drops dead!

Old man: That's is impossible, sumone else must have shot the lion!


Did you hear about the sound technician that got fired recently?

Apparently he couldn't handle feedback.

Joseph decides it's time to tell Jesus the truth....

Since Jesus is a teenager, Joseph thinks he can handle it. He tells Jesus that he's not really his father, in a technical sense.

Jesus is incredulous. He can't believe it. He asks who his father really is.

Joseph explains to Jesus that he's the son of god. Jesus can't even comprehend this. He can only manage to stammer out "No way"

Joseph looks at him and says "Yahweh..."

How many shots can an Irish man handle?

about 10 rounds.

I like my women like my computers

At least old enough to handle my 3 1/2-inch floppy.

[NSFW] As I was about to drop my pants, she whispered in my ear "I can handle anything you can give me"...

Apparently she can't handle disappointment.

How does a tree handle an awkward situation?

It leaves.

Why did the ghost barf all over his date?

He couldn't handle his boos.

I handle important transactions for a large multinational company ...

... is what a tell my Mum instead of saying I work at McDonald's.

What did the handless kid get for Christmas?

Idk, he couldnt open it

My gym trainer asked me to eat as much as possible to gain weight. I can't handle eating so much.

I'm fed up.

An English teacher went to Germany to teach the German kids English words.

On Day one, he taught them all the English words beginning with A.

Day two, he taught them all the English words beginning with B. After day three which was words C, he thought to himself.

"How are they gonna handle D-day?"

My husband cheated

I caught my husband cheating. I'm not going to lie, I didn't handle it in the most mature way possible. I threw an iron at him and took quite a bit of money from him.

Then later we had a heart to heart and decided never to play Monopoly again. Lesson learned.

Why did Connor McGregor get a Chihuahua?

He couldn't handle a Boxer.

I'm absolutely done with friends who can't handle their alcohol.

The other day not even 3 of them could get me out of the club without dropping me.

What is long, hard to handle and keeps her up all night?

Clinical Depression

I've chosen not to vaccinate my kids...

I think it's better to let a professionel doctor handle that.

Two Israelis are sitting on the beach in Tel Aviv, reading.

One has got a quality newspaper, the other an antisemitic rag. "Why on earth are you reading that?" one asks. "I used to read aΒ quality paper like you," the other sighs, "but I couldn't handle it any more – the rockets from Gaza and Hezbollah getting stronger every day and the Iranian nuclear programme and the suffering economy and growing antisemitism across Europe…" He points to the antisemitic rag. "NowΒ I read this and I feel much better. Turns outΒ there's actually a Jewish global conspiracy and we control the entire world."

Do you want to know the real reason I can't be part of a threesome?

I can only handle disappointing one person at a time.

A Crossbow is like a Beautiful Woman

It has a lot of complicated parts and if you handle them wrong it will snap and break your fingers.

People say that the Jews did not handle the whole Jesus situation well.

I think they nailed it.

No matter what you think of the celebrities commenting on how we handle the current crisis, you should ALWAYS listen to music producers.

They give sound advice.

I just got fired from my job at the door making factory.

I just couldn't get a handle on it.

I'm so sick of my friends not being able to handle their alcohol

Last night they dropped me 3 times while carrying me home

What type of person lives to the east of Portugal and can't handle stress at all?

A Hispanic.

Why did the social awkward man never go to the second storey of his house ?

He couldn't handle the stairs.

Two men are sitting at a table.

One guy says, "I have ants"

The second guy replies, "Yeah, but my ants are taller than yours."

So the first guy now says 'Well, I have a tube of glue!",

To which the second guy replies, "And... I have an entire tin of it."

Finally, the first guy says "I have bread."

Unable to beat the first guy any longer, the second guy says "I can't handle that with my glue tin 'n taller ants."

Never challenge Death to a pillow fight

Unless you're prepared to handle the reaper cushions.

I am so sick and tired of my friends who can't handle their alcohol.

The other night they dropped me 3 times while carrying me to the taxi.

I don't know why Donald Trump wants four more years.

He can't even handle 60 minutes.

Did you know that Vegas has more Catholic Churches than casinos?

Not surprisingly, some Sunday worshipers give casino chips when the collection basket is passed. Since they get chips for many different casinos the churches have devised a system to handle the collections. The churches send all of their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then taken to the individual casinos to redeem for cash.

This is done by the chip monks.

Honey, I cleaned the bathroom!!!

Wife: Thank you
Hubby: Why do we keep the toilet brush in the shower?
Wife: What?!??!
Hubby: Why is the toilet brush in the shower?
Wife: What the hell are you talking about?!?
Hubby: The puffy thing with the handle!!
Hubby: You named the toilet brush?

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the handle grip jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working handle clinically piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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