Handle Jokes
116 handle jokes and hilarious handle puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about handle that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
This article is about the different ways to handle jokes. Learn the methods of multitasking to effectively handle jokes with care, from knowing when to joke around to understanding the difference between door handles and love handles. Learn the tricks and tips to maintain a vice-like grip on humor.
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Funniest Handle Short Jokes
Short handle jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The handle humour may include short managed jokes also.
- I told my wife, "You are so skinny." Then I grabbed her by the love handles and said, "Just look at all this skin."
- I thought I heard one of the kids opening the furnace earlier Then I remembered the handle was on the outside.
- If you can't handle me at my worst... Then good for you; I commend and respect you for setting healthy boundaries.
- North Korea is handling Covid surprisingly well Last week 9/10 doctors said Covid-19 was under control,
This week the stat went up to 9/9! - My wife said she was leaving me today because he couldn't handle my OCD any more… I said, "Close the door 5 times on your way out."
- I just got a wooden motorcycle. It has a wooden frame, wooden handle bars, wooden wheels, and a wooden seat. Guess what? It wooden start.
- Aerosmith According to fellow band members, Aerosmith's Steven Tyler handles a pen very femininely. Rumour has it he doodles like a lady.
- I just got fired from my job at the door making factory. I just couldn't get a handle on it.
- Why did the polka musician’s wife file for divorce? She couldn’t handle all the band’s constant “in and out” motions!
- Why did the accordion player get a divorce? His spouse couldn’t handle the constant bellowing.
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Handle One Liners
Which handle one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with handle? I can suggest the ones about hold and control.
- How many shots can an irish man handle? about 10 rounds.
- I don't know why Donald Trump wants four more years. He can't even handle 60 minutes.
- Why Did The Alcoholic comedian Quit Performing? He couldn't handle the boos.
- I like my women like my computers At least old enough to handle my 3 1/2-inch floppy.
- Why did the sun have trouble making friends? It was always too hot to handle.
- Why didn't the drummer commit the crime? He couldn't handle the repercussions.
- Why did the paranoid man take the elevator? He couldn't handle the stares...
- I recently quit my job as a scuba diving instructor I couldn't handle the pressure.
- Why are all exorcists alcoholics? Because they can't handle their spirits.
- Why does lebron james wear high socks? His Cavs can't handle the Heat
- Someone stole my car's steering wheel I just can't handle it anymore.
- Why are fat people good at handling conflicts? They are often the bigger man
- What is long, hard to handle and keeps her up all night? Clinical Depression
- My door was not working I couldn't handle it
- If you can't handle me at my worst That makes two of us
Door Handle Jokes
Here is a list of funny door handle jokes and even better door handle puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My ex girlfriend wasn't able to handle my OCD I told her to close the door five times on her way out.
- Why do all the doors in 10 Downing Street have handles? That place already has enough knobs.
- I used to have a fear of door knobs ...I sought professional help as it was more than I could handle.
- Fixing a door myself proved to be rather difficult. I could never quite get the handle on it.
- Mommy! What's a nymphomaniac? Quiet son and help me pull granny off the door handle!
- Most people would hate having a bedroom door without a handle... ..but I'd say it's my most prised possession.
- There are many facts about doors... but that would be too much information to handle.
- For years I've had trouble with my front door. Finally I got a handle on it.
- Yo momma's like a door handle... everybody gets a turn
- He opens the door then turns the handle.
Handle With Care Jokes
Here is a list of funny handle with care jokes and even better handle with care puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My wife wasn't amused... Her: Be careful traffic is crazy.
Me: If I can handle you, traffic should be a cinch! - On the front of my boxer shorts it reads handle with care I have a fragile package.
Broom Handle Jokes
Here is a list of funny broom handle jokes and even better broom handle puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- halloween When I told my wife to use a vacuum instead
of a broom the witch flew of the handle. - Q: Why didn't the witch fly on her broom when she was angry?
A: She was afraid she would fly off the handle.
Love Handle Jokes
Here is a list of funny love handle jokes and even better love handle puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My wife told me that cooking was getting very very difficult due to her 8 months pregnancy So I added telescope handles on all of the kitchen utensils. I love my wife.
- Why do girls always work at the deli Because they love handling meat
- Why did the gay chef love making dill crackers? Because he got to handle the dill dough.
Comedy Handle Jokes to Make Your Friends Giggle
What funny jokes about handle you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean tract jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make handle pranks.
I like my women like I like my plastic wrap.
Clingy, easy to handle, and microwave and freezer tested.
I used to make jokes about people with butter fingers;
stopped 'cause they couldn't handle it.
Today just wasn't my day.
I got up this morning, put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. Finally leave the house for work and the doorknob comes loose and just breaks off.
I'm afraid to go to the bathroom..
The locked car...
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!" His reply: "I know. I already got that side."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I want to handle the topic of traditional homosexual polygamy
Just like my four fathers did
I am really proud of my self this morning..
Last night I went out with my colleagues for New Year party.
After drinking a tad too many than I could handle, I made a sensible decision to leave car at the pub and take the bus home.
I am really proud of my self this morning, I had never driven a bus before!
A group of people asked me to make a joke about barometers
but I couldn't handle the pressure
A: What do you do for a living? B: I handle transactions for a multi-billion dollar company.
A: How much do you make?
B: $18,000
A: An hour?
B No, per year.
A: I thought you said you handled transactions for a multi-billion dollar company?
B: I DO! I'm a cashier at McDonalds.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How did the p**... get a job at the zoo?
They heard she could handle a cockatoo.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why didn't JFK ever like v**...?
Because he couldn't handle a few shots
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why can't people in wheelchairs be looked at for too long?
The can't handle stares.
I was about to tell a hilarious joke about chemistry..
..but last time I did, I couldn't handle the reactions.
What did the bacon say to the sandwich?
This club can't even handle me right now
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A hipster politician was found dead today of an apparent s**....
He won the popular vote and just couldn't handle it.
I thought about going vegetarian
but I knew I could not handle a missed steak like that.
Why was the surfer such a bad cook?
All he could handle was the microwave
There's a woman who gets dropped off at my building for work every day by the husband.
And every day the husband will come out and go to the passenger side to open the car door for her.
Seeing so much love from the husband I decided to ask her whether this has always been the way.
She replied no, it only started two years ago.
I asked "What made him change?"
The woman replied "Change? the inside door handle stopped working two years ago. He didn't want to change it."
A wife goes to consult a psychiatrist about her husband...
Wife: My husband is acting so weird. He drinks his morning coffee and then he goes and eats the mug! He only leaves the handle!
Psychiatrist: Yes, that is weird. The handle is the best part.
My wife's pregnant
90yr man: My 18yr wife is pregnant,your opinion doc?
Dr: Let me tell you a story. A hunter in a hurry, grabs an umbrela instead of the gun. He moves into the jungle, and sees a lion, lifts the umbrela, pulls the handle and BANG, The lion drops dead!
Old man: That's is impossible, sumone else must have shot the lion!
Dr: EXACTLY!!
Did you hear about the sound technician that got fired recently?
Apparently he couldn't handle feedback.
Joseph decides it's time to tell Jesus the truth....
Since Jesus is a teenager, Joseph thinks he can handle it. He tells Jesus that he's not really his father, in a technical sense.
Jesus is incredulous. He can't believe it. He asks who his father really is.
Joseph explains to Jesus that he's the son of god. Jesus can't even comprehend this. He can only manage to stammer out "No way"
Joseph looks at him and says "Yahweh..."
A doorman quits his job.
He just couldn't handle it anymore.
How does a tree handle an awkward situation?
It leaves.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why did the ghost b**... all over his date?
He couldn't handle his boos.
I handle important transactions for a large multinational company ...
... is what a tell my Mum instead of saying I work at McDonald's.
What did the handless kid get for Christmas?
Idk, he couldnt open it
My husband cheated
I caught my husband cheating. I'm not going to lie, I didn't handle it in the most mature way possible. I threw an iron at him and took quite a bit of money from him.
Then later we had a heart to heart and decided never to play Monopoly again. Lesson learned.
Dating a UPS employee is great
They really know how to handle your package
I've chosen not to vaccinate my kids...
I think it's better to let a professionel doctor handle that.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Do you want to know the real reason I can't be part of a t**...?
I can only handle disappointing one person at a time.
Did you hear the one about the alcoholic unicyclist?
He couldn't handle bars.
A Crossbow is like a Beautiful Woman
It has a lot of complicated parts and if you handle them wrong it will snap and break your fingers.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
People say that the Jews did not handle the whole Jesus situation well.
I think they nailed it.
A few months ago my friend lost three toes in a work accident. Today his wife left him because she said that she couldn't handle it....
.....I guess she was lack toes intolerant.
No matter what you think of the celebrities commenting on how we handle the current crisis, you should ALWAYS listen to music producers.
They give sound advice.
I'm so sick of my friends not being able to handle their alcohol
Last night they dropped me 3 times while carrying me home
Why did the social awkward man never go to the second storey of his house ?
He couldn't handle the stairs.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Honey, I cleaned the bathroom!!!
Wife: Thank you
Hubby: Why do we keep the toilet brush in the shower?
Wife: What?!??!
Hubby: Why is the toilet brush in the shower?
Wife: What the h**... are you talking about?!?
Hubby: The puffy thing with the handle!!
Wife: MY LOOFA
Hubby: You named the toilet brush?
What did the Dentist say when he was being prosecuted in court?
YOU CANT HANDLE THE TOOTH!!!!!!
Two friends are arguing...
"Look, I have a colony of ants!"
"Well, I have taller ants than you"
"Oh, well I have a tube of glue"
"Hah, I have an entire tin"
"I got bread!"
"Argh, you win! I can't handle that bread with my glue tin 'n' taller ants"
Two friends were comparing their belongings
The first guy goes: 'i have ants'
The second guy : 'well i have taller ants'
The first guy : 'well i got a tube of glue'
The second guy : 'and i have an entire tin of it'
The first guy: 'i got bread as well'
The second guy: 'ugh you win, i can't handle that with my glue tin 'n taller ants.'
A man was telling friends how first-aid classes had prepared him for an emergency.
I saw a woman hit by a car, he said. She had a broken arm, a twisted knee and a skull fracture.
How horrible! What did you do?
Thanks to my first-aid training I knew just how to handle it. I sat on the curb and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man walks into an auto shop.
He walks straight up to the front desk and says, Listen, I need some repairs, but I've got a really suped up, high powered, custom car, so I don't know if you'll be able to handle it.
The employee says, I can see if it's something we can manage, how many pistons does it have?
The customer thinks, I'm not exactly sure, but I know it has a s**...-ton.
The employee replies, Well, I need to know if it has a p**...-ton.
The ninja master asked a student if they thought they could handle the next challenge.
The disciple answered, shuriken!
bad day today
I put on my shirt, a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom!!
Credit Rodney Dangerfield
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Someone asked me what was my secret to a successful marriage after having kids? I told them it's Vaseline, but not for what you're thinking.
Rub a scoop onto the door handle and the kids can't turn the k**... to get into the house.
A frightened man came to the KGB. "My talking parrot has disappeared."
"That's not the kind of case we handle. Go to the criminal police."
"Excuse me, of course I know that I must go to them. I am here just to tell you officially that I disagree with the parrot."
I asked a musician why they all drink so much after their shows.
He said: Because we can't handle the boos.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
s**... with a fat woman is like subscribing to Netflix
You have so much content, you can't handle it.
Slots
A woman is on vacation in Las Vegas, playing the slot machines. It's her first time in a casino, so she asks a casino employee, "How does this work?" The worker shows her how to insert a bill, how to hit the spin button, and to operate the machine's release handle. "And where does the money come out?" the woman asks.
The casino employee smiles, motions to the far wall, and says, "Usually at the ATM."
Why is it smart to ask your coffee mug for advice?
Because it always has a handle on every thing.
One that made the wife groan
A few weeks ago I was talking to my wife about how our taste buds have changed since we were kids.
I said "Yeah, I still can't handle mushrooms though, they are awful"
Her "I don't know, mushrooms have grown on me"
Me deadpan "Well, you should probably shower more often then."
I wonder if the Drunken Samurais of old could handle their drinks well..
I hope so, for their Sake
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why doesn't Putin visit the Queen?
He can't handle UK rain.
I went to a mug making workshop today, but it was pretty tough and ended up with a bowl..
I just couldn't handle it.
Why can't your PC handle naval merchant vessels?
It doesn't have a USB-seaport!
You know when things are getting bad when people only want their kids to live a long and healthy life they will enjoy...
And you have to wonder how their children are going to handle the pressure of those unrealistic expectations?
While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section.
One asked the other if she would like a beer.
The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable purchasing it.
The first nun replied that she would handle it without a problem. She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier was surprised, so the nun said, This is for washing our hair.
Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer. The curlers are on me. -
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three soldiers are talking about how they would solve different problems...
When asked what would they do if they woke up in the middle of the night with a hole in their tent, the Army private says "I would dig through my pack to find something to repair it until morning"; the Marine says "I'd roll over and go back to sleep, a Marine can handle getting a little wet"; the Air Force airman says "I'd call the front desk and ask why the h**... there's a tent in my room".
When my girlfriend's father asked me what I do for a living, I was embarrassed to say that I work at McDonald's, so instead, I said …
"I handle transactions for a multi-billion-dollar company and industry on a daily basis
and help provide around $2 billion to the US economy each year"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
When I told my friend I was getting a jeep he was hating on it saying s**... like "What about the glaciers and the rainforests?"
I was like "Bro, this thing has 4WD Low Range and diff locks, it'll handle that s**... easily"
I just left my position as tire pump salesman
Couldn't handle the pressure...
On which side a mug has its handle?
Outside.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Meanwhile in the restroom
I was in Walmart using the restroom and just as I closed my stall door, a voice from the next stall said,
\- Hi! How are you?
Embarrassed... I said,
\- I'm all right!!"
The voice said,
\- "So what are you up to?
I said,
\- Ummm... Just trying to handle a little private business over here!
Then I hear,
\- Can I come over?
Annoyed... I said,
\- Excuse me?!?!."
Then the voice said,
\- Listen, I will have to call you back, there's an idiot in the next stall answering all my questions!"
